Thinking Hard With Andy & Blaine

Te Gusta Losing, Numbnuts?

2012-02-12T06:54:00.000-05:00

Hey, everybody, and welcome back to the blog. I want to get the somber stuff out of the way first. Yesterday, pop music star Whitney Houston was found dead in her hotel room. It's starting to sound like she drowned in her bathtub. It's a tragic end to the diva who, quite frankly, I'm surprised hadn't died of a drug overdose during her marriage to Bobby Brown. I'm not sure if she had a drug issue before she married him, but it sure became a BIG problem after they married. It's sad that someone with such an amazing career in the 80s and early 90s went on to have so many troubles. And I can think of only a few less glamorous ways to die than in the bathtub of your hotel room (possibly surrounded by drugs...but that has yet to be proven). So, Whitney Houston fans, try to keep "The Bodyguard" Whitney in your heart as you mourn her passing...and not the "Bobby Brown fucked that chick UP" Whitney.

Alright, so let's get down to this. Hey, in case you missed it, the New York Giants won the Super Bowl last Sunday in dramatic fashion. This followed an email sent by Patriots QB Tom Brady's wife, Giselle Bundchen, to family and friends, asking them to "pray for Tommy." Well, her behavior only got weirder (and more obnoxious) during and after the big game. She was quoted by The Insider after the game as saying "My husband cannot fucking throw the ball and catch the ball at the same time." At least one of Brady's teammates says she should shut up and go back to looking cute. I don't think she can do either. Have you seen her face? Ugh. And honestly, with that attitude, I think she ought to rename herself Giselle Bitchen. (I wish I could have come up with something clever that went with "Cum Dumpster," but I couldn't)

Hey, have you had a bad break-up recently? You might be able to find out WHY your heart was shattered on the new website WotWentWrong.com. Dumpees can register and send an email to the heartbreaker in question, who in turn can respond to the website and not to the user him/herself in as much or as little detail as desired. Because nothing says "I wish you all the best" than letting everyone on the internet read "Teresa was so bad in bed, it was like fucking a fish. And don't even get me started on how she SMELLS..."

Thirsty? Looking for a bridge between your meal and your dessert? Jack in the Box can help. The fast-food joint is offering a Bacon Shake. Yes. That's right. A BACON milkshake. Don't worry about getting chunks of pork as you're slurping your straw...it's made with a bacon syrup with no chunks whatsoever (unless you count the ones I'm blowing at the THOUGHT of this monstrosity). Sixteen ounces of this bad boy will get you 773 of your daily calories...and 24 ounces will give you 1,081. But don't go looking for this on the drive-thru menu. It's a SECRET item that you can only get if you know about it ahead of time. It's like walking up to that shady-looking dude on the street corner and saying "No, that meth you're selling won't kill me fast enough...but that BACON SHAKE in your pocket is EXACTLY what I'm looking for."

Finally, a lesson from local television...not to pimp out a weather forecast that may or may not actually happen, but to ALWAYS know who you're about to interview ahead of time. Anchors hate surprises:

I'm sure the anchor yelled at the producer for this error...because that's all anchors ever do. They yell at, berate, criticize and talk down to producers. Though in all fairness to Fox, I'm sure they're used to fuck-ups like this during every newscast. It's in their contracts.

-B-

I'm In A Shitty Mood

2012-02-05T07:03:00.000-05:00

Hi. I'd be able to write a full blog today if it wasn't for the fact that some a-hole hacked my Xbox 360 account and caused me to lose $125. So now I'm going to be chatting online live with Microsoft to try to get my money back. Meantime, watch this video. It shows how movie marketers made it look like there were people flying over the skies of New York City to promote the new film "Chronicle." It's pretty badass. They're using ultralight parts and radio controls:

When I see you next week, I'll either have my $125 back...or I'm leaving Microsoft.

-B-

Pancakes Soothe My Anger

2012-01-29T07:02:00.000-05:00

Hello, one and all, and welcome back to the blog. By this time next week, we should have a winner of the Florida GOP primary and I'm going out on a limb to make my prediction. The winner of Tuesday's primary will be...that one guy. With the thing. Who's always talking about that stuff. Y'know, about the government. Who's been kinda up and down in the polls. You know the one...the guy they've made fun of on Saturday Night Live. The guy who says he can beat Obama in November. Yeah, that one.

Also, one more bit of business before we get down to it. NBC's spy comedy "Chuck" officially came to an end Friday night after five seasons. The writers got to do an official send-off. It was amazing. Honestly, it was one of the most relate-able shows I've ever watched. If you've ever felt like a geek or nerd and wished something big would happen to you to prove to yourself that you're a bigger deal than what others thought of you, this was the show to watch. And it was funny. And charming. And I'm sad to see it go. I can only hope that if I ever write a TV show, I can put a voice to it that is so welcomed as the writers of "Chuck" did. Thanks guys for five great years.

You ever have those days/weeks/months/jobs where you try to do your work, but it seems like EVERYONE is critical of what you're doing? I'm thinking about starting a Twitter account called "Stupid Shit Heard In My TV Studio/Newsroom." It would start with "But the State of the Union happens EVERY year...can't we start the show with something ELSE???"

Speaking of stupid things that can occasionally be heard by inappropriate people at inappropriate times, what's the deal with leaving cell phones on during movies or stage/musical performances? Seriously, people! You are NOT so fucking important that the world won't wait 2 hours for you to finish enjoying your day before turning your cell phone back on. And if you ARE so fucking important...why not find someone else to cover for you for a couple of hours? Case in point, an orchestral performance was stopped in the UK a couple of weeks ago because someone in the front row left their cell phone on...and it rang. And rang. Yes, the person who didn't have the common decency to turn off the phone in the first place didn't want to admit to leaving it on, so they didn't even TRY to stop it from ringing. One thing that DID stop? The orchestra. Yup. They waited for the inconsiderate fucker's phone to stop ringing before resuming. That kinda spoils it for everyone else in the audience. I prefer the route of the Slovakian violinist, who found himself in the same situation recently and decided it would not stop him from being a professional...

COME ON! PHONES HAVE A "SILENT" FEATURE!!! JUST USE THAT!!!!!!

Also, would you PLEASE watch where you're driving???

Watch out for the pole!: MyFoxBOSTON.com

Wow, that happened at such a high speed, I'm not sure the driver had time to swerve and avoid the crash, or even hit the brakes. Hey, with that kind of clarity at the wheel, there's definitely a future for that guy as a news anchor. Yep, the pancakes didn't COMPLETELY soothe my anger.

-B-

A Big Week For Fat People

2012-01-22T06:49:00.000-05:00

Two major events happened that should make "rounder americans" very happy. 1. Newt Gingrich won the South Carolina primary. True, he stores most of HIS fat in his head, but still. 2. Burger King is going to try out home delivery. Yes, you read that right. Burger King no longer wants people to WALK OFF their ridiculously greasy and cholesterol-heavy meals. Now the restaurant wants to bring it RIGHT to the customers' front doors! Tip: if you leave the door unlocked and say "Come on in" when they arrive, you can retain the quite-literal hold your couch has on you. In fact, the couch will actually meld into your fat.

Speaking of horrendous things that fat people do, Paula Deen has been trying to kill us all for the past three years. Okay, that's a SLIGHT exaggeration. In reality, she said this week she's had Type 2 diabetes for the past three years. So, while her body has been responding (as many bodies do) quite NEGATIVELY to the incredibly high number of jowls she has, she has been encouraging US to eat the same butter-rich foods that got her diabetes! So apparently Paula Deen is NOT a chef but a teacher of Darwin's Theory of Evolution: Survival of the Fattest. If she can't live past her 60th birthday, none of us can! It's diabolical! MWAHAHAHAHAHA..*ahem*...

While I'm on the subject of old ladies, I'm adding a new Friend of the Show this week. It's written by a 24-year-old woman who's enjoying the exploits of the dating world...along with her GRANDMOTHER. Yes, you can find the entertaining (not ALWAYS hilarious, but entertaining nonetheless) "Granny is my Wingman" blog in the Friends of the Show section.

So when I saw the headline in Toledo, Ohio, this week "Reporter Pole Dances During Live Shot," I was expecting a reasonably attractive woman in a tight outfit and tall boots. Two out of three ain't bad...

There are some things you just can't un-see. But much like actually strippers, he still got the CLAP at the end of the day. (For the record, we here at Thinking Hard strongly support the right-to-work for any female american and fervently believe that if you have a moneymaker, by all means shake it. You'll make more money than me.)

Sure, it's funny when one person at a TV station does something ridiculous on TV. But what if it's SEVERAL people, including the person in charge of all the action, the NEWS DIRECTOR? There's a trial going on in Cleveland, Ohio, and while other stations are using the basic "inside the courtroom" video to cover it, one station is going above and BEYOND to give its viewers an update on the action. Ladies and gentlemen, I give to you the most Bat-Shit Crazy thing I've seen at all this week...The Puppets' Court:

ONE! ONE news director who's going to get fired! TWO! TWO news directors who are going to get fired! THREE! THREE news directors...

-B-

Third Place Is All I Need

2012-01-15T12:24:00.000-05:00

Welcome back to Thinking Hard. Hey, does anyone remember the ShamWow or the SlapChop? Well, now there's a new item to take care of (among other things) unsightly and unwelcome hair:

A brief note before going further...we have a new Friend of the Show. My buddy Mark has Graves Disease and it forced him to leave a job he loved. I want more people to know about this disease and what the people who have it are dealing with. So he's our new Friend of the Show. Check it out under "Graves New World."

We're getting really excited here at the offices for the new Batman movie out this summer. But a TV station in Los Angeles apparently LOVES Batman...as exhibited by their over-the-top response to a live interview with the guy who originally played Robin. Boy Wonder, meet Girl Blunder...

And did she say she also has a Catwoman costume??? Holy unemployment line, Batman!

Anybody watching the primaries? Anybody??? Well, we wrap today's blog with the man who won in New Hampshire...and a guy who seriously needs to raise his standards...

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart

Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c

Indecision 2012 - New Hampshire Primary Results

www.thedailyshow.com

Daily Show Full Episodes

Political Humor & Satire Blog

The Daily Show on Facebook

This week's blog...featuring autocorrections from my new tablet

2012-01-08T05:54:00.000-05:00

For the record, I had two misspellings in the title alone because my fingers are so freaking fat...not that the ladies are complaining.

Not a lot going on in this week's blog. Maybe I'd have more if the Iowa caucuses actually MEANT something. But I do want to offer up this little gem from Green Bay, where an anchorman had a true Anchorman moment..

I do love lamp.

Things are going to get a little somber for a moment here. We here at Thinking Hard lost a colleague and friend this week....rather, I lost a colleague and friend this week. Ken Ward was a reporter I worked with in Charlotte. We worked the overnights together for about a year. Every morning at 3am, I could count on him to show up to work with a smile. Ken passed away unexpectedly this week at the age of 44. It hit me hard. He had been ready to move to Florida for a new job with his new wife and young child. It's my hope that he passed peacefully in his sleep. We should all be that lucky. Ken was a good guy taken far too soon. And if that isn't a motivator to live life to its fullest every day, I don't know what is. From the most cynical guy you know, be good to each other and love one another as you want to be loved. Thanks for reading my weekly ramblings. Ken, we miss you, man.

-B-

We Made It...Now It's Time For The Apocalypse

2012-01-01T06:15:00.000-05:00

Happy new year! Congratulations on making it through 2011...and good luck in 2012, when the world is supposed to end. Good times.

You might recall our Christmas blog last week. We had one clip in particular that really surprised some people. A meteorologist in Los Angeles walked off in the middle of a live shot, complaining and bitching that he wasn't getting enough time to do his weather and his live interview...all live on air. The folks at the Thinking Hard offices REALLY liked it when the anchors openly mocked him on air. It was pretty funny to poke fun at a guy who was generally being an asshole. If you missed last week's blog, please check it out. Anyway, so the a-hole in question went on the show days later to, presumably, explain his temper tantrum and sit next to the producer that he called out on air, presumably to apologize. Well, those things KIND OF happened...

Yeah, that guy's still a douchebag. Holler at me when he comes off his high horse. Dick.

So I was making some New Year's resolutions and I decided one of them will be to write more letters to my pen pal, Ranjib. Occasionally he'll send me pictures of his homeland, but he recently sent a picture of HIMSELF to me. I thought that was really sweet. Then I saw he had a pretty obvious fashion faux pas. See if you can spot it:

Yes, he IS wearing OLD Air Jordans! Come on, Ranjib! If a shit-ton of americans can storm shoe stores to pay $180 (!) for a pair of shoes, SURELY you can too! Maybe I'll send him some for his birthday. I bet he'll get a bang out of that.

No, I'm not ending on a 9/11 joke (too soon?). Here's how we end this week's blog: we here at Thinking Hard hope 2011 was tolerable for you, and we hope 2012 brings new and exciting things for you and the ones you love. Happy New Year!

-B-

Merry Christmas To All, And To All A Good Fight

2011-12-25T06:06:00.000-05:00

Hey, everybody, and welcome to this special Christmas edition of Thinking Hard. Yup, we're one of the few offices actually OPEN on Christmas Sunday. That's wrong on so many levels. Well...TWO levels, anyway.

Let's start with a holiday shopping idea if you can find any stores open today...do NOT expect to find the new Air Jordans available ANYWHERE but eBay. Nike released the shoes early Friday morning and I learned a LOT about the current state of our economy: white people be POOR! Shoppers turned out to local shoe stores in DROVES across the country to lay down $180 for the shoes (which, incidentally, were NOT personally worn by Mr. Jordan, God rest his soul...wait, what? He's NOT dead? But what's he doing? I haven't seen him in weeks...). Well, these bright young consumers were NOT going to be held down by the MAN who did NOT want them to put their HARD-EARNED money back into the economy. They weren't going to wait in LINES holding TICKETS...because there's no order in the NBA, so there shouldn't be order buying shoes from an NBA legend! That's not what Mr. Air would've wanted! So I'm seeing all this video at these stores of people bum-rushing the EVIL GLASS DOORS blocking them from entering their favorite stores (that's un-American! Who puts LOCKS on DOORS???) and I can't help but notice...there are only about TWO white people in line to buy the shoes amid THOUSANDS of...um...NON-white people. And that's when it hit me: white people are POOR. They can't afford to drop $180 on a pair of shoes. But apparently the economy is GREAT for african-americans. I felt like I was playing a game of "Where's White-O?" in the sea of humanity out at these stores. So a big thank you goes out to the african-americans who braved the stores that refused to recognized the Emancipation Proclamation passed 150 years ago. And a big thank you as well to the companies who are WELL-compensating their african-american employees. And if anyone would like to support the poor white american working class, call me.

Hey, primaries and caucuses are coming up fast. The GOP candidates are making their cases for votes. Ron Paul stands to have a good showing in the Iowa caucuses. But he might be working a little TOO hard to support white America...

Well if THAT'S all it takes to get rid of Ron Paul... Actually, it takes even LESS to get rid of Newt Gingrich. His own staff FORGOT to apply to have his name put on the primary ballots in Virginia, as did Texas Governor Rick Perry. And there are NO write-ins on the primary ballots in Virginia. I guess they can be forgiven. After all, Gingrich is old...and Perry has the mental capacity of a 5-year-old...girl.

Hey, if you ever get out to Los Angeles, be sure to watch local TV station KTLA. They have a lot of fun. In fact, they've spent a few segments lately poking fun at an audio clip that accidentally aired of one of their reporters asking an intern to fetch him a cup of coffee (doesn't he know? Talent is supposed to ask PRODUCERS to do mundane things like that!). Let's take a look at all the fun and frivolity...

You might have noticed a LOT of time with that weather guy, Henry DiCarlo. Apparently he lost his joviality as Christmas got closer:

I guess he only likes to waste air-time when HE'S the one in charge of timing. I REALLY liked the anchor's response about cheese and "whine." For Christmas, I'd give that guy a pink slip. And that's why I'm not in charge. Anywhere.

I hope you all have a wonderful holiday with friends and family, remembering the true reason and spirit of the season. We'll be back next week to kick off 2012. Have a bang-up final week of 2011!

-B-

I'm Ronery, So Ronery

2011-12-20T08:51:00.000-05:00

Not even Arrec Bawdrin could save Kim Jong-Il. Sad. He was probably too busy playing Words With Friends to help him. "Yes, I KNOW CPR, but I'm trying to figure out how to play this Q and this J on this triple-letter, triple-word score block of letters. Hang on. Let me just check Wikipedia..." (yes, that's for you, James)

Hey, welcome back to the blog. Thanks for your patience as we returned from our holiday flights. Smooth sailing, no screaming children. Oh, wait, I'm told we have some breaking news coming in from Fox News Channel about politics...

(If you don't see it, I'll explain it for you at the end. Hint: you need to know some geography.)

Y'know, as a producer in TV news, I should tell you I'm not busy goofing off during a newscast...trying to make sure things don't go to shit if we have technical issues, trying to fill time if anchors stop reading...it's really a lot of juggling. But not quite as much juggling as what goes on in Portland, Oregon:

(Somebody ought to get slapped for that.)

Oh, I'm being told we have another update from Fox News, this time about the democrats:

While we're talking about politics, anybody watch MSNBC? One of their big political correspondents is Chuck Todd. But did you ALSO know he's an avid bird-watcher?

Maybe he's taking up sign language. Oh, sorry to interrupt, but we have another update coming in from Fox News, this time looking at the poll numbers for the GOP presidential candidates...

For those of you keeping score at home, there have been a total of four errors in the Fox News graphics I've shown you. Here's what you should have spotted:

1. Utah is labeled with a "NV" for Nevada in Graphic #1.
2. Vermont is labeled with a "NH" for New Hampshire in Graphic #2.
3. In Graphic #3, Mitt Romney is NOT half-black, half-white.
4. The graphics people at Fox News are NOT competent

Now, who knows what will happen to the inept graphics department at Fox News. All I know is I'd be swearing up a storm in the control room if that shit hit my newscast. I just hope I wouldn't be caught on AIR dropping any f-bombs...

Well, if I did, at least I'd make it on Thinking Hard...

-B-

Tape Delay

2011-12-18T10:43:00.000-05:00

If you've tuned in for this week's Thinking Hard blog, just wait longer. The writers are still on holiday vacation, but they'll return to the office Tuesday morning. That's the last time we get Rod Blagojevich to book our flights...he kept trying to sell our seats!

Happy Anniversary! Now For Some Words, Friends...

2011-12-09T16:43:00.000-05:00

I realize I'm a little early this week with this, but I was afraid I'd miss my deadline because I'm stuck playing Words With Friends with this guy, username AlecB, who just will NOT stop playing words! I've lost a lot of sleep because this guy is so addicted to this game. But there WAS a game a few nights ago where he stopped playing for a little while. I wonder what happened...

For those of you who don't watch TV or read the interwebs, Alec Baldwin was booted from an American Airlines flight earlier this week because he refused to turn off his phone when the plane door closed...y'know, like federal regulations say you're SUPPOSED to. He was just so involved in his game of Words With Friends. So he pitched a fit, the plane was delayed, and Baldwin threw a temper-tantrum on Twitter. Dude, seriously? It seems as though NO ONE remembers the whole "calling your daughter a rude little pig" thing...UNTIL you start acting like an asshole AGAIN! Let's face it: people enjoy watching you on 30 Rock because it was your comeback tour for calling your daughter a pig. But if you were to leave that show, we wouldn't care, because Tina Fey is fantastic. So please, Mr. Baldwin, step off your high horse and turn off your phone when asked. #who'salecbaldwin?

And now, our new favorite game here at Thinking Hard: "Drunk or Stroke?" And here's tonight's competitor, from Mankato, Minnesota...

And now, a story that defies explanation, even here at Thinking Hard...where chaos reigns supreme. I'm posting this article about the owner of the NBA team Orlando Magic, who reportedly drunk-dialed player Dwight Howard. A reporter from WFTV got a hold of a transcript of that call...that was partially faked by an internet writer. Hilarity ensued. With video. My favorite type of hilarity.

And now, our new segment for all of you space fans out there called "Hey, Look, The Moon"...

That is all.

-B-

The Cain Train Has Derailed

2011-12-04T06:25:00.000-05:00

Goodbye, Herman Cain. Let this be a reminder to everyone...your illicit affairs should only happen AFTER you are elected President.

Welcome back to "TV Behaving Badly." I'm always proud to work in an industry where so many people create so many live fuck-ups...and then those fuck-ups are blasted all over the internet. I love the high-tech generation. For example, Reverend Billy Graham went to the hospital last week for pneumonia. Doctors caught it early and were very positive about his health...and then the CBS station in Charlotte, NC, reported Graham had died Saturday morning...and then had to RETRACT said story because they'd gotten it wrong. Apparently it all comes down to an initial report that came into the station's newsroom and NO ONE thought to check with another source to make sure this actually happened! This is the same station that showed the graphic "Man Killed To Death" a few weeks ago. It's also one of the top stations in the market, so, y'know, apparently people love watching a train wreck. That's why so many people watched Britney Spears' reality show. Hey, it could've been worse. It could've been a racist look at Black Friday shoppers last week by a TV station in Baltimore...

Y'know, Black Friday must be really stressful, especially for the REPORTERS...

Personally, I'm sick of the random people who think it's awesome to do stuff during live shots to get on TV. HOWEVER, I do NOT agree with this YouTube poster who decided to use the term "fat kid" in the headline. Not cool, dick.

Hey, give me 30 seconds and I'll give you TWO errors in spelling in a St. Louis newscast. Two things to remember...the town's name is PITTSfield and the word is spelled SOUTHWEST...

Now, for a completely NSFW moment here on Thinking Hard. It's so NSFW, for the first time in a LONG time, I'm posting the link here instead of embedding the video. The Tampa Bay Fox affiliate had to apologize to viewers because during a live postgame show for the Buccaneers last weekend, a camera crew interviewed a player in the locker room...with another player's PENIS being caught on camera behind him! Talk about your "talking head" interviews...

Finally, how do you like your Christmas ruined? Do you prefer to find out from your parents about Santa Claus...or would you rather find out about it from some bitch on an anchor desk? You can thank this Fox Chicago anchor for her efforts in killing Christmas. Her comments start with about :90 left in this clip:

Shopping Mall Santas Scaling Back Kids' Expectations, Profiling Parents: MyFoxCHICAGO.com

YGBFKM! (You gotta be fucking kidding me!) At least they made her apologize and ready angry letters on air...

Is Santa Real? FOX Chicago News Anchor Robin Robinson Apologizes For Saying He's Not: MyFoxCHICAGO.com

That really pisses me off. Moreso than the "fat kid" video earlier. ARGH! I'M SO ANGRY! If only there was something that could make me feel better, like an unexpected developing national network story...

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart

Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c

Brian Williams' "Nightly News" Fire Alarm

www.thedailyshow.com

Daily Show Full Episodes

Political Humor & Satire Blog

The Daily Show on Facebook

Ahhh...that's the stuff. A quick note...the staff of Thinking Hard (read: me) is heading for holiday vacation this week, but will make every effort to post the annual "Happy Anniversary" blog while on the road. But if for some reason it doesn't come, just remember we asked Santa to deliver it...and Santa doesn't exist, right, Fox Chicago???

-B-

Pepper Spray...Apparently It's Tasty

2011-11-27T05:36:00.001-05:00

Welcome, shoppers, to the Thinking Hard Superstore Black Friday Shoptacular. You'll find aisles of endless deals...like a 400-inch flat-screen TV for just $1. And WE'LL pay YOU if you walk out of the store with ANY computer in our electronics department. Make sure you're armed and dangerous when our doors open at 5am Thanksgiving morning!

Yeah, it's like that. First, some stores opened MUCH earlier this Black Friday than before...mostly because they're not anticipating large holiday crowds because, y'know, the nation's broke. Some opened Thursday night. That pissed off some of the employees who work at those stores. They were upset that their minimum wage job was cutting into their family time. Some advice for those people: don't like it? Grow up and get a real job. Get a career. ANYBODY with an ounce of common sense knows that if you plan to work for any retailer over the holidays, you're going to work shittier hours and deal with more outrageously stupid shoppers. If that doesn't appeal to you, there are newspaper routes and janitorial positions elsewhere. Otherwise, suck it up, because you get Christmas off. (Disclaimer: I have worked retail and I worked retail over the holidays and I know from EXPERIENCE that it sucks...and that's why I pushed myself harder to get a career outside of retail sales.)

And let's talk about the Black Friday shoppers, shall we? We had an arrest for CHILD NEGLECT at a local mall because some stupid woman left her BABY and her 2-YEAR-OLD children in the car at 5am while she went inside to shop. By the way, it was about 30 degrees outside. Well, lady, if you were looking at saving money during the holidays, freezing your kids to death is one way to go... Also, RIDICULOUS amounts of shoppers got into fights at stores across the U.S. Many of those incidents happened at Walmart stores. I don't mean to call Walmart out here (because, hey, I shop there all the time and they have some REALLY good prices on DVDs and food), but come on, shoppers! Yes, some of us joke that Walmart is "Target Of The Damned," but you're not helping STOP that stereotype when (no joke) one of you PEPPER-SPRAYS the other customers in line, just so you can get to the cash register and pay for your stuff! Bunch of idiots that shop at Walmart...and I've seen a LOT of them. And if you ever want to see a retail employee that clearly is pondering suicide, ask a Walmart employee where to find their pet food department. It's like their eyes are just straight black. Hollow. Eerie.

Oh, let's step away from the checkout lanes to discuss pepper spray. Police used pepper spray to get some "Occupy Douchebagia" protestors to leave the University of California. To be fair, the cell phone video shows protestors sitting calmly among the police...and one officer just starts spraying people left and right. The only things missing are police kicking the students and Rodney King looking on saying "Wow, and I thought I had it rough." (google it) Now, I'm sure some of you might be surprised by this, but Fox News anchor Megyn Kelly dropped a comment on Bill O'Reilly's show this week that almost appears to DEFEND the police, implying it's not that bad to be pepper-sprayed. She called it a "food product!"...

After days of internet onslaught, Kelly backpedalled a little to say she wasn't diminishing the actions of police. She just meant to point out that officers were within their rights and what they did becomes more of an ethical question than a legal one. So, yes, Megyn (with a Y) Kelly, pepper spray is essentially a food product...much like pizza is a vegetable. In fact, some bullets in guns are made of iron, which is also present in our bloodstream, so SHOOTING people with iron bullets is more humane than other bullets and should be considered HELPING those people who have natural iron deficiencies in their blood. So, officers, fire away. Let's start with Megyn Kelly, shall we?

Speaking of crazy fucking women that are given WAY too much airtime on Fox News, let's talk about Michele Bachmann. The crazy-eyed GOP presidential candidate made an appearance on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon and his house band, The Roots, played a catchy tune as Bachmann was introduced. Even Bachmann commented that she liked it...until she learned the name of it. It's called "Lyin' Ass Bitch." THEN Bachmann was outraged...

Mrs. Bachmann, if I may, you are exactly right. The Roots should NOT have played "Lyin' Ass Bitch" as you walked in. It was entirely inappropriate. They SHOULD have played Buckcherry's "Crazy Bitch." All I have to do is see you look into a camera and I KNOW that's more accurate.

One more thing before I go...there's a DMV office in Washington, D.C., that EVERYONE should visit. You can get your driver's license...tax stickers...and even find out if you have HIV. That's right. The office gives FREE HIV TESTS. I presume it will also offer condoms to put over your stick shift.

-B-

Job Hunting With Demi, Ashton and Bridget

2011-11-20T07:18:00.000-05:00

(A special thanks to start this week's blog to Bridget Russo, for making these pictures possible.)

Hey everyone, I'll try to make this week's blog quick...Ashton's in bed waiting for me. Seriously, Demi's surprised Ashton cheated on her with a younger, less skeletal woman after six years of wedded bliss. I'M more surprised that it took Ashton a WHOLE SIX YEARS to think "Wow, 50's not looking so hot."

Big news this week involving Chesley "Sully" Sullenberger. You might remember him as the airline pilot who made an emergency landing in the middle of the Hudson River, saving his entire crew and passengers. It will CONSTANTLY be referred to as the "Miracle on the Hudson." (See also this blog, which referred to the whole media debacle as the Cirque du Sully) Well, this week, he flew a vintage-ish plane for charity. After he landed, another pilot took off to fly the plane away...but had to make a (wait for it) EMERGENCY LANDING at the airport in Charlotte, North Carolina. Holy crap, Sully! What's up with the planes you're in? You MUST be the world's most dangerous man! In fact, I don't think flying planes is a dangerous enough job for you. You've heard of the cable show "Dirty Jobs with Mike Rowe"? I propose a show called "Dangerous Jobs with Sully...Don't Laugh at My Nickname or I'll Fly Your Plane." Seriously, can you imagine how he'd do at some other jobs?...

Knife salesman. Who better to sell you a set of the sharpest Ginsu knives in the world?? For an added bonus, his infomercial would show him juggling the knives...blindfolded...strapped to the wing of a plane in mid-air...with STILL enough ability to notice when the plane's pilot passed out, so he'd walk up to the cockpit and land the plane safely. In a river. Because it's kind of his thing now. And in his first interview after the averted disaster, his first comments would be "NOW how much would you expect to pay???"

The weird guy who sticks his head in an alligator's mouth. Okay, first, what kind of medical and dental do these guys get, because I'm sort of looking for a new job. Second, how has Sully NOT done this yet? He'd be perfect! The absolute calmest man to ever try it. Wait...is he wearing ALLIGATOR BOOTS? OH MY GOD, HE'S ALREADY DONE IT...AND THE ALLIGATOR LOST!! I envision his last words to that alligator were "Take that, you croc-sucker." Or not. Sully seems pretty clean with his language. I imagine in the cockpit of the Miracle on the Hudson flight, as the plane went down, he shouted "Holy...COW!" and then after the flight he apologized to his co-pilot about the language.

Rancher. Cowboy. Call it what you will, but the mere job has been the prime example for everything macho in the U.S. for decades. It seems like everyone who slaps on that 10-gallon hat suddenly becomes a chick magnet, never mind the alligator boots. Sully would probably still trade the cowboy hat for his pilot's cap. And can you imagine what he'd do to the guys who'd try to steal his cattle? He'd stop them in their middle-of-the-night thievery and say "Gentlemen, I believe you're lost. This is not your farm." And they'd run away in fear. Because Sully is that awesome.

UPS driver. Ladies, have you ever seen a man sexier than some of the guys they hire to drive the UPS vans?...what?...that's a woman??...ew. But think about it. He's the perfect choice. He had more experience with Brown than most people...did you CHECK the underwear of the passengers on the Miracle on the Hudson plane? It's a good thing they landed in a dirty river: "What? No, of COURSE I didn't crap my pants! I must've picked up something from the Hudson."

Window washer. One of my favorites. C'mon, this suits Sully so PERFECTLY. Consider this: window washers spend most of their days HUNDREDS of feet in the air. For Sully, that would be like going from riding the Regurgitron 5000 roller coaster to the Ladybug kiddie ride! And as a pilot, he has to pay close attention to meticulous details, just like a window washer making sure he didn't miss any spots...as well as making sure the brakes are set on the platform hanging hundreds of feet in the air. And don't have any safety concerns for Sully. If the platform starts falling, he'll find a way to land that thing in a bucket of water.

Finally, the job with the most potential danger of all...

Look, there's GREAT potential for screaming kids at any ice cream parlor. And even though the PASSENGERS of Sully's flights are WELL-accustomed to the hollering and bawling of small children (parents, PLEASE give us ear plugs...it's the humane thing to do), Sully himself is not. He's locked in a soundproof cockpit with a headset on, listening to air traffic control chatter. In fact, I imagine he considered a career as a flight attendant, but decided to be a pilot instead JUST so he could avoid hearing the screaming young'uns. (Great name for a band, by the way...Screaming Young'uns) So if he dared work at an ice cream parlor, he'd practice the one skill he'd absolutely need to prevent a child from crying. Picture this: a child orders a single scoop of Rocky Road ice cream. Sully scoops it up and politely hands it to the child. The child takes one lick of the ice cream...and bumps the scoop off the cone, sending it plummeting to the floor. Sully, wasting no time, goes all Matrix-like and DIVES over the counter, reaching out his arm just as the ice cream barrels toward the linoleum. And at the last possible second GRABS the scoop and places it back on the child's cone, thus averting disaster. Because, you know, that's how he rolls.

Before I leave you today, a quick update on the Penn State scandal...and quite a shocker on national TV this week:

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Bob Costas would later recount that he had planned a sit-down interview with Sandusky's attorney and about ten minutes before air time, that attorney said "What if I could get Jerry on the phone?" Attorney for Jerry Sandusky...the one job even SULLY isn't crazy enough to do.

-B-

Three Quick Punchlines...

2011-11-13T06:15:00.000-05:00

If an older woman is into younger guys, she's called a Cougar.

1. If an older GUY is into younger GUYS, is he called a Nittany Lion?
2. If a black pizza entrepreneur is into women looking for jobs, is he called a Republican Presidential Candidate?
3. ....um...hang on, I'll remember it...the EPA?

That's right...BIG week in news for us here at Thinking Hard. We pretty much had a giant newsgasm. And who would've thought that the big story to start the week would be so easily forgotten? GOP Presidential Candidate Herman Cain is being accused now by four women who say he sexually harassed them and even tried to push one's head into his lap to...um..."examine his zipper." At least two of them were paid off several years ago and still came forward. STILL not enough to knock him off the top of some of the latest GOP polls. That's basically like the republicans saying "Hey, that's a lot better than what I did with my teenage stepson last night."

And that leads us right into another big news story...the sex scandal that rocked Penn State. Seems quite a few years ago, a grad assistant caught one of the football team's coaching staff raping a player in the showers. So he reported it to coach Joe Paterno...who reported it to HIS superiors...who did nothing. In this entire chain of command of "good ol' boys," NO ONE CALLED THE POLICE. It's like the Catholic Church. Now, don't get me wrong...the offending staff member (perhaps I should use neither "staff" nor "member" in this story) lost his key to the boys' locker room. Wow. It cost the National Restaurant Association more to sweep the Herman Cain stuff under the rug than this ACTUAL CASE OF RAPE. So, as you can imagine, the students at Penn State took to the streets of the campus to defend the victim...Joe Paterno. That's right. In a tribute to the true classiness of Penn State, they RIOTED after the university fired Paterno this week, not making any comments about how they feel bad for the REAL victim (the player) but instead taking up for the man who THEY believe was the victim (Joe Paterno). Hell, even that idiot Ashton Kutcher tweeted his support for Joe Pa because he thought the coach was being pushed out because of his age...and not, y'know, because he helped cover up a rape case on campus. In the midst of the melee on Penn State's campus, students even tipped over a live news truck, which the station later reports could have started a large fire/explosion because it started leaking gasoline. So, with a couple of exceptions, to the entire campus of Penn State...Fuck. You. You whiny, bitchy bunch of pussies who think football is the only thing that matters. You uninformed, poorly educated miscreants. You pieces of shit. I wonder how YOU'D react if someone you trusted (i.e., a coach, a father, a priest) betrayed that trust in the most horrible way possible by inserting his penis into your body without ANY agreement on your part...then you kept it quiet because of the way others viewed your attacker. I find myself often disappointed by the human race's desire to continue procreating and adding more people to this planet, but you, Penn State students, you make me think of the 4-year-old children I hear screaming and crying in the store because they can't have a little toy, totally oblivious to the fact that their mothers can't afford the toy and can barely afford FOOD to put on the TABLE. But I guess some thanks are in order. Thank you for proving that this new generation is a generation of selfish fucking bastards with absolutely no regard to their common man. Football above all, right? Assholes.

*sigh* Thanks for letting me get that off my chest. Now, let's hit that third big news story of the week, which was, uh...um...er...

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Indecision 2012 - Mercy Rule Edition

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(side note: even though I was ready and waiting for the Rick Perry jokes here, I still fell for the intro about the three funniest movies Adam Sandler has been in...and only being able to name two...because Sandler hasn't done anything TRULY funny since Happy Gilmore...and Jack & Jill has "giant turd" written all over it)

And now, the bonus. Here at Thinking Hard, we offer you the big stories...but we also offer you a story or two you might not have heard about. This time, it's a story out of Minneapolis, Minnesota. A reporter thought he stumbled onto the story of the lifetime...a puppy mill was raising dogs not for pets, but for food. The reporter thought he found a connection that the mill sent the dogs to New York's Chinatown. He even called one place and asked if they sold dog meat...and the person on the phone said yes. Turns out, there was something a little lost in translation. The person on the other end of the phone thought the reporter said DUCK meat, which the business DOES sell. But it does NOT sell DOG meat. Apparently, the puppy mill DID send some living dogs, but the shipment was intended for a PET STORE and the address was just incorrectly labeled. The New York Health Department investigated and found no evidence of dog meat being sold. So, the reporter is in the DOGHOUSE and has a little egg on his face. Tell you what...let's allow people in Taiwan's popular news agency to make things a little worse for him:

Delightful. I think that reporter needs to book a trip to a secluded island for a while. He can fly RyanAir, which announced this week it's looking at offering in-flight porn. But only in the COCKpit.

-B-

Kim Kardashian's Single Again!

2011-11-06T06:42:00.000-05:00

...so, you know, if you're a professional athlete who makes a shit-ton of money, is at least PARTLY african-american, and is blind, deaf AND stupid (gotta be all three), she's available.

Something that should be noted off the top of this thing: Andy Rooney has died. The LONGtime 60 Minutes correspondent passed away Friday...thus proving that the only thing keeping him alive all these years was bitching about random shit in a public forum. So that means I'LL be around for a while yet.

Also, let me get THIS out of the way...if you see me in a bar or a club or something, I'm 6'8". This should save you any time of walking up to me, shouting near-incoherently "How tall are you???" and then walking away when I tell you. True story. I don't think that chick knew how to respond.

Hey, it's (off-year) Election Day this Tuesday! That means many (okay, just a few) voters will hit the polls this week to support their (mayoral, city council or school board) candidate! Go team! Okay, let's not kid ourselves...this year's Election Day means shit. It's NEXT year's Election Day that's the big one. Will Herman "Would you like fries with that shake...wait, come back, what'd I say??" Cain be the GOP's pick for president? Will it be Mitt "Seriously, I'm only giving this one more shot before going back to my used car lot" Romney? Rick Perry seemed pretty popular...until the speech in New Hampshire:

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Indecision 2012 - Ruh Roh Edition

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You might have noticed Stewart taking a jab or two at Herman Cain...that apparently upset one of New York's most upstanding citizens:

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Conservative Minorities vs. Liberal Minorities

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Today's lesson: our blacks are better than their blacks. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go ask Justin Bieber to impregnate my sister.

-B-

Know Fear

2011-10-30T06:40:00.001-04:00

Ah, happy Halloween, one and all. Welcome to the time of year when everything you fear comes to the forefront to taunt and tickle you. This is, without a doubt, one of my favorite times of the year. So keep your eyes and ears open for that extra chill and the occasional ghostly laugh.

That said, what really frightens me THIS year is the "Occupy Wall Street" protesters. They've been out there long enough to look AND smell like the walking dead. But you can tell they're not zombies yet...even ZOMBIES are more focused in what they want than the protesters. The Wall Street Occupiers would likely say "Braaaains...well, maybe a lower income taxxxxx...and more jobsssssss...how about those unionssss...and regulate Wall Streettttttt...THEN maybe a brain or twooooooo." But the protests have started to get violent. People in Oakland were hit with tear gas and other non-lethal weapons as police tried to get them to move along. Let's take a look at some of the crime at the protests in Portland, Oregon, as presented briefly on a TV station there:

*facepalm* Well, at least now I know that graphic designer is VERY afraid this time of year. Jobbbbbbbb...and braaaaaaaains...

(By the way, what frightens ME most this year is the report that Lindsay Lohan is posing in Playboy. Ew. Why would I pay to see something I could see for free in any New York clinic?)

-B-

Libya and Lohan

2011-10-23T07:13:00.000-04:00

Welcome back, everyone, and let's just get this week's big news story out of the way first:

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No'Amor Qaddafi

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Ah, Fox and FIENDS. I'm going to start calling him Steve DOUCHEY. Anyway, congratulations to Libya for successfully running the "Pizza-Delivery-Turned-Execution" scam. Let's see what legendary singer Harry Belafonte thinks about it:

Oh. Maybe we should check out how the Charlotte CBS station reporting the breaking news:

(Quick note: that station has dropped ALL KINDS of misspellings and grammatical errors on their graphics lately...but that is BY FAR the funniest.)

Maybe we can get a comment from the brother of South Carolina's Lieutenant Governor...

Or not. And we could have asked the morning show at WPIX to report on Gadhafi, but they were talking high heels...and orgasms...and they were apparently drinking:

I'm sure Lindsay Lohan will at least have something to say. She's working in the morgue, so I'm sure she'll come across Gadhafi's body (take that whichever way you prefer). After all, that's her punishment for showing up late to her original community service. Well, at least now we can CONFIRM Lohan's career is dead.

-B-

Good Mourning, Angels

2011-10-16T05:47:00.000-04:00

Another one's biting the dust, kids! This is my SECOND favorite time of year for television (right behind Premiere Week)...when all of the new shows that absolutely suck are cut from the network lineups...and others, which are apparently fucking a leprachaun, suck but are STILL granted a full season.

Since Hollywood is obsessed with remaking proven franchises and not gambling on new(er) ideas, Hawaii Five-O was recreated with some success for CBS last season. So a group of writers decided to remake Charlie's Angels for ABC this season...with no success. Minka Kelly, you can go back to acting in...whatever it is you act in...because ABC has canned the show. I believe the show will end up having 6-8 episodes this season. That's roughly the same number of SEASONS that its predecessor aired back in the day. I think that only goes to show you: hot chicks fighting crime will only get you so far. Unless your name is Nikita.

Now I have to frantically go change my costume for Halloween. Wearing a white strapless pantsuit and calling everyone I meet "Charlie" now seems passe.

-B-

Gotcha, Journalism

2011-10-09T07:20:00.000-04:00

Wow, Hard Thinkers, what a week in politics! Big news! Former Alaska governor and current gene-pool reject Sarah Palin says she's NOT running for president in 2012! I'm shocked!...no wait, I'm not. I was more shocked to find out soylent green is people. I was more shocked to find out circus peanuts will NOT make "circus peanut butter." Let's face it. Sarah Palin was never going to run for president unless people dropped to their knees every time they saw her stupid campaign-but-not-really-a-campaign bus, arriving in cities where she could easily draw some of the attention away from the ACTUAL candidates. She's like that bratty little brother or sister who, every time you brought home a paper with an "A" on it from school, would drop some beautiful knowledge like "Well, I saw Timmy Smith pick his nose and eat his booger! And then we called him Booger Brain! And then we laughed because we thought it was funny! And then I wondered what boogers taste like...because I'm awesome!" Sarah Palin's bus had more useless shit in it than ANYTHING Bret Michaels was a part of (Rock of Love? Nobody?). Simply put, Sarah Palin is a cocktease. She held her presidential campaign out in front of potential voters (all 5 of them) like she tempts Todd with her stretch marks on a nightly basis: "Oh, come on now, dontcha know there Todd...dontcha think this mark here is SEEEXXXY? Ya know, you can still kinda see a little bit of Trig's little baby penis in this mark right here...wait, where are ya goin'?" Palin's the person that injects herself into group conversations because she thinks she's interesting and attractive...and doesn't realize that everyone else hates her. I AM that guy! I know EXACTLY what I'm talking about! So now she's just a bitch who left her job before her contract was up without having any sights on another REAL job (yes, that's a dig at Fox News) and who's taking care of her young daughter and THAT daughter's baby. Seriously, I kinda expect the Palins to show up on Hillbilly Handfishin' and say "Hey, this is a LOT fancier than how we do it at home!"

Not to be overlooked, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie announced AGAIN this week that he will NOT be running for president. Yes, the guy who directed people asking if he would run to a website that featured 2 minutes of clips of him saying "No, I will not run" 80 different ways had to AGAIN repeat himself and say he's not running. 1. The republicans are getting desperate for a candidate (as proven by Herman Cain's surprising rise in the polls) and 2. Republicans don't pay attention, as proven in 2004 when they re-elected "W" and yet now they complain that we shouldn't have gotten into wars in Iraq and Afghanistan. Keepin' in classy, GOP. I'm-a let my boy, Jon Stewart, drop a little knowledge on Chris Christie's LATEST "No, I'm STILL not running" news conference:

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Indecision 2012 - The Great Right Hope - Not Chris Christie's Time

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Now, some quick hits:

*Steve Jobs died this week...man, he was REALLY disappointed there was no Iphone 5 announcement.

*Dear "Occupy Wall Street" protesters: you're only slightly less ridiculous than the Tea Party protesers. But you need two things. 1. More direction...the protests should not be a "Aw, come on out and be angry at whatever you like, even if your cat's litter box has nothing to do with Wall Street." 2. Get a map...the Brooklyn Bridge is NOT Wall Street. In fact, Google Maps tells me Wall Street doesn't cross any body of water. See how easy that was! Just go to Google!

*For those of you taking part in the office pool, NBC's racy "The Playboy Club" is the first new show of the new season to get canceled...not because it's so risque, but no one gives a shit anymore about Playboy unless the bunnies are "getting married" (*snicker*) to Hef. (c'mon, Sarah Palin will run for president before Hef gets married) The second show to get cut? NBC's latest theft from the BBC sitcom department, "Free Agents." Hey, NBC, you got lucky with "The Office." You can stop now.

And now, it's time for "This Week in TV News Fuck-ups"...

First, let's go big with Good Morning America. The show ran a story on the Conrad Murray trial. You remember Murray...he's the guy on trial for making Michael Jackson in worse shape than he was when he was accused of being a child molester. So they ran a computer animation of a procedure doctors did to try to save Jackson, but whoever made the animation misspelled "balloon." Someone caught it and made a note to fix it, but they were apparently out of Post-It Notes:

Hey, that's actually a great move...I can't even TELL "balloon" is misspelled anymore. Mike Moskowitz will update his resume.

Next up, your five-day forecast for the greater Orlando area. Be sure to pack a jacket Saturday morning:

"And coming up for the weekend, it looks like we have a 100% chance of a frozen apocalypse...so be sure to bring those plants inside!"

Finally, it looks like someone found a way to make those local TV sports shows interesting:

Nah, not interesting enough...it's getting canceled with "The Playboy Club." On the plus side, Sarah Palin just figured out what word to throw on the side of her bus in 2016.

-B-

Greetings To Our Readers In The Netherlands...Or Who Are Searching For Naked Snooki Pics

2011-10-02T06:55:00.000-04:00

No joke, wandering through the stats of who finds Thinking Hard via Google searches is pretty fascinating. We recently had a european visitor who was looking for an image of Don Swayze with his more talented (and deceased) brother, Patrick. You're welcome. You can thank us by sending us your marijuana.

Speaking of drugs, I swear EVERY SINGLE republican running for U.S. President is high. Has anyone actually been WATCHING the debates? Check this out...

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Indecision 2012 - The Great Right Hope - Rick Santorum & Crowd Response

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To be fair to American Idol, I'm sure Paula Abdul would vote for Palin...in the democratic primary.

Hey, while I'm talking about things that are batshit crazy (BSC), let's consider the big story on Capitol Hill this week. A news publication had day-long Twitter coverage of a hostage situation in Congress, with leading members of Congress holding a group of schoolchildren hostage. Before you blow a gasket, the publication in question is The Onion. You know, the SATIRICAL, ENTIRELY FAKE newspaper. So it begs the question of WHY Capitol Police feel the need to LAUNCH AN INVESTIGATION INTO THE REPORTS???? Really, officers? The rest of America gets the joke...but not you? You hear a "Knock, knock" joke and you immediately go to the door to see who's there? And these guys are the ones in charge of protecting our lawmakers in Washington! I'm fully aware the police probably get the joke and are just upset that someone made a mockery of them. In that vein, I'm going to launch an investigation into my crazy aunt who sent me a birthday card that implied I'm so old, the candles on my cake could burn down the city. That's like yelling "Fire!" in a crowded movie theater!

And now, a final thought from James, the narcoleptic news anchor...

That guy throws 20 extra Zs in Syracuzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

-B-

Did You Know Camels Have Toes?

2011-09-26T02:37:00.000-04:00

Third post in a week...I must be drunk on power. Anyway, check out this special visit by two Playboy bunnies to the WGN (in Chicago) weather screen. It turns out everything about one bunny is invisible...except her vagina:

Insert your own "dense moisture" joke here.
-B-

That's Right...Two Posts In A Week!

2011-09-25T06:44:00.000-04:00

For those of you who only tune in on Sundays for the latest hard thoughts, keep scrolling down after today's installment to check out the special MID-WEEK post! It's fantastic!...or not...

I'm not even going to touch the most recent republican presidential debate this week. After cheering Texas for executing the most inmates, some people in the audience of this week's debate booed a gay soldier's question from Youtube for the candidates about the liberties of "Don't Ask, Don't Tell." Methinks thou dost protest TOO much. Seriously, why do people have to be a bunch of bigoted assholes? These are the same people who defend our right to invade other countries. So, basically they're saying "Let's invade another country!...but not that gay guy...we don't want him in the middle of a war...so he can survive...so he can come visit me in my closet...wait, what?"

Hey, ladies, do you know what your boyfriends/husbands hate doing, besides talking about their feelings? And listening to you complain about how you have to have children NOW before your "biological clock" runs out? It's shopping at IKEA. So the swedes did something nice for the fellas:

That's IKEA's new Manland. Guys can get dropped off while their ladies shop...and watch TV, relax on a sofa and eat a free hot dog. It saves men from asking "I have to assemble THAT?" until they get home.

For those of you who still buy books printed on paper (and not e-readers), you might know that Borders is now closed. The bookstore chain gave me many pleasant memories (and coupons for 40% off) before it up and died. But apparently there were some employees of the store that were unhappy while the business was still OPEN. Check out THIS sign posted at a Borders store by the employees:

Can you imagine what will happen when Walmart closes? "Dear shoppers, our nametags don't say 'Hey, Bitch' so please stop naming us that...especially the men...unless we ASK for it."

-B-

It's Shit Like This That Makes Chicago Awesome

2011-09-21T18:57:00.000-04:00

Yeah, I know, I don't normally blog during the week, but this...

...is apparently a thing. And that is FUCKING AWESOME!!!! They don't have MUCH of a webpage, but here is a link to check it out. Also on the list of Skeeball League cities...CHARLOTTE, NORTH F'N CAROLINA, HOME OF THE THINKING HARD CASTLE!!! Charlotte's webpage, incidentally, isn't very exciting. It's just an email address. Sign up now for a Thinking Hard Skeeball team...and grab those huge, hard balls.

-B-

Help, I've Been Kidnapped By A Member Of "Journey"

2011-09-19T10:36:00.000-04:00

...nope, STILL don't care about the kidnapping/tryst of Michaela Salahi. I imagine I'll see her gate-crashing the Democratic National Convention here in Charlotte next year, though.

Hey, special day here at the Thinking Hard offices as I turn a year older today. Nothing reminds a guy how old he is like a co-worker in her early 20s ask "What's layaway?" That aside, I went to my very first NFL tailgate yesterday at the Panthers/Packers game. It was pretty fun, considering I don't have a vested interest in either team, nor did I have tickets to the game itself. But fun nonetheless. However, it was not my favorite moment in football this week. THIS clip of an ABC/ESPN commentator during Monday night's Dolphins/Patriots game was my favorite moment...listen closely at the 29 second mark and see if you can tell which word the censors SHOULD have caught:

But that's only my SECOND-favorite televised highlight from a sports commentator. Check out THIS clip following Saturday's "controversial" (I guess? I don't watch much boxing) title fight featuring Floyd Mayweather (who the crowd apparently does not care for very much). This is the post-match interview, and it starts a little slow, but it's TOTALLY worth the payoff at the end of the 2-and-a-half minute clip:

Oh, hey, did anyone catch that NBC's Twitter feed was hacked on the Friday before 9/11 and the hackers wrote there was a terror attack at ground zero? Let's hear it for news stations using Twitter as an ACTUAL NEWS SOURCE. Any newsmen from the 80s are sitting there shaking their heads because they remember the "good ol' days" when sources had to be confirmed and news stations had to stand by their reports. Ah, nostalgia. (PS: Fuck you, Twitter.)

All right, this is my stop. I have to ~~go look at leaked photos of Scarlett Johansson naked~~ go party up birthday or something like that. I would like quickly to thank all of you who read this for supporting my weekly ramblings. It is my hope that you find SOMETHING each week that entertains you. And if not, I'll brave the cease and desist order and post the Scarlett pics.

-B-

There Was Something I Was Supposed To Remember...

2011-09-11T07:10:00.000-04:00

Ah, yes, it's September 11th...again. And on this, the tenth anniversary of the devastating terror attacks, the media are insistent upon showing every single news story and TV program they have in the vault that has anything to do with Ground Zero. So when the media say "Never Forget," they REALLY mean "(we will) Never (let you) Forget (as long as you keep giving us big ratings every time 9/11 rolls around)." Well, in honor of 9/11, we here at Thinking Hard have a few OTHER things we don't want you to forget:

*Never forget...that even though there are almost ten different republicans vying for the White House, there are really only two that stand a chance (and the American people apparently LOVE the death penalty)...

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Oh My God, Rick Perry Is Going to Be Our Next President - Second Installment

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*Never forget...that one Saturday Night Live sketch from at least ten years ago where Alec Baldwin appears as a chef (of sorts) with the last name of Schweddy (pronounced "Shweaty") on an NPR talk show talking about his famous food product, the Schweddy Balls. Funny for its time...a DECADE ago...but apparently Ben & Jerry's just got the joke because that's their new flavor of ice cream: Schweddy Balls. It has some chocolate/rum balls in the ice cream. Dear Ben & Jerry's, I have a joke that you probably haven't heard/understood yet: "Knock, knock..."

*Never forget...that spiders are no joking matter:

(Right, Holly?)

*Finally, never forget...that the assholes who decide they want to start a holy war in other countries are just assholes that represent a small group of assholes in an otherwise HUGE world of people. Don't take out the acts of a few dicks on an entire population of people who follow one religion. Remember, Americans are probably viewed as a bunch of dicks who invade countries (like Afghanistan and Iraq...where Bin Laden was NOT hiding), but only a PART of our population agreed with the military insurgence in those countries. Can't we all just get along?

-B-

Rocked Me Like A Hurricane

2011-09-04T10:29:00.001-04:00

So, Irene DID cause some death and destruction last weekend...I guess now I have to apologize to her. I'm sorry, Irene. But thank you...for beautiful TV moments like THIS reporter, who thought SEWER foam was SEA foam. Tip: don't be eating anything while you watch this clip:

Reporter Gives Update Covered In Sea Foam: MyFoxNY.com

(Update: city officials say that this sea foam is actually sea foam...without sewage. *sigh* At least it gave me a laugh for about four days.)

But there's a much BIGGER media storm brewing. It's called the "Comedy Central Roast." Oh, wait until they get a load of THIS year's roastee: Charlie Sheen. Yes, you read that right. The kids over at Comedy Central are going to roast Charlie Sheen. In what's usually a no-holds-barred session of bashing of the guest of honor, it should prove to be entertaining up until the point when Sheen gets HIS turn on the microphone...and then it'll just get BSC (I'm bringing it back, kids...Bat Shit Crazy). But what's perhaps the MOST insane move is one of the roasters. MIKE F'N TYSON will be roasting Charlie Sheen! What is Comedy Central thinking??? Do they not recall when The Situation bombed HORRIBLY during the Donald Trump roast??? (I posted that clip a few months ago here on the blog...go searching for it) And as one media agency reported, you have a wife-beater/rapist roasting a hooker-beater/drug addict. So, you know, there's that.

I'm currently chilling in Chicago with the fam, but we'll be back from our On Location shoot for next week's blog. And hopefully, I won't be flying back to Charlotte on "Abstinence Air." Seriously, it's like the people that board that flight saw Oprah outside the terminal shouting "You get a screaming kid! You get a screaming kid! And YOU get a screaming kid! EVERYBODY gets a screaming kid!!" Ugh.

-B-

Thinking Hard: The ORIGINAL East Coast Natural Disaster

2011-08-27T04:18:00.000-04:00

I also toyed with calling this week's installment "Eff you, Irene" (you're welcome, Holly). Yes, if you're reading this on Saturday, you'll recognize this is an EARLY blog post. That's because I'm working Sunday morning because of this "frightening" hurricane that's now a Category ONE (as of Saturday, 8/26, 4am)...oooo, scarrrry. Now, don't get me wrong. When this storm was forecast as barrelling right at Charlotte (where I live) back on Tuesday, I was a little concerned. I don't do well with watersports, but I was ready to buy a kayak in case the water made it to my 2nd-floor apartment. But now, it's not going to do anything to my neck of the woods. I just stepped outside and felt a solid breeze, but that's it. Yet the local media insists on extended coverage of the storm that no one here gives a shit about...unless they have beachfront property, which, in that case, fuck them. So the storm is expected to make landfall here in a little while, then head north to New York where people are FREAKING THE FUCK OUT. To be clear, I DO understand that the city was built on a harbor of the ocean and any hurricane problems could cause a soggy Big Apple. But New York has already freaked out once this week for something that wasn't major: an east coast earthquake. Yes, a 5.8 earthquake hit Virginia this week and spread outward. My co-workers in Charlotte felt it. I did not. I was disappointed as I really wanted to feel a tame earthquake, just to say I had felt it. The quake also spread to New York, where video footage this week showed people "escaping disaster" by heading TO THE ROOF OF 30 ROCK! Are you guys fucking kidding me??? You DO understand gravity, right? I know it's a long way down to street-level for some of you...and if any buildings fall into the street, you're dead...but if you're on the TOP of a TALL BUILDING when something SHAKES IT or BRINGS IT DOWN, there's a good chance you WILL PLUMMET TO YOUR DEATH (see also 9/11/01). Perhaps your building's disaster plan should be fine-tuned. Fortunately, no one died in this week's quake, but the Washington Monument has some cracks in it, so it's going to be extracted and replaced with a wooden monument. (what...no one reading this blog studies history? COME ON! I'm trying to make a clean historical joke about George Washington's wooden dentures!)

One thing I AM excited about is the bevy (great word) of new words in Merriam-Webster's dictionary this week. Keep in mind, this is different than the Oxford English Dictionary's annual list of new words. Merriam-Webster is just catching up. An example of how far behind the old M-W is: they just added "cougar." Seriously? Cougars have been in the lexicon for YEARS! Also added: bromance, which has been around as long as Matt Damon and Ben Affleck have been ~~sleeping together~~ "working on movies together." Also: duathlon. Really? How has THIS not been in the dictionary? I would've thought it would be listed in the "see also" section under TRIathlon. How about this one: parkour. Yes, parkour, James Hartsell. The internet fad of the early 2000s is FINALLY making it into the dictionary, now that it's no longer relevant. Way to go, Merriam (and don't you go trying to blame Webster for this one!). Honestly, the only word the dictionary's adding that's TRULY relevant right now is the same one that makes me want to burn every copy of the dictionary I own: tweet. Merriam-Webster, see also "How I Feel About Hurricane Irene." Dicks.

-B-

I'd Like Some Frequent Flyer Miles To Bangkok

2011-08-21T06:10:00.000-04:00

Hello, Hard Thinkers. Thanks for joining us this week, but I'll have to make this fast. I REALLY want to book a flight to Asia on an airline called Cathay Pacific. The airline is in the middle of a major scandal in which pictures were leaked (no pun intended) of a flight attendant giving a pilot oral sex mid-flight. But hey, we're classy here at Thinking Hard, so instead of JUST showing you pictures of the incident, we're going to show you the amazing Taiwanese computer animation re-enactment (this IS safe-ish for work, but you might decide to hold off until you're in a public library, just to be safe):

(That is SO much more amusing in a foreign language.) Also, in case you were curious, the airline DOES have a frequent flyer program...they call it Marco Polo. Most. Interesting game of Marco Polo. Ever.

Hey, a recap from last week...Stephen Colbert sold his Rick Parry (the "A" is for America...yes, he and I both know Rick's last name is spelled P-E-R-R-Y) campaign ad to my old station in Des Moines...and then the bosses at my old station decided not to run with the ad. Obviously this sat well with Colbert, who made fun of the station for mentioning the ad for FREE during a newscast AND calling out reporter Katie Eastman for her "news story" about a large yard sale. Well, now Colbert wants Eastman to join his cause and some posters on her Facebook page also want her to join in the fun. I should warn Ms. Eastman...WOI is NOT a station where any kind of fun can be had. I guarantee if she responds in any way, she'll be canned. So Colbert also decided to call out the station's GM, Ray Cole:

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Wait, wait, I understand we're now going LIVE to WOI for an update...

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I tell you, this is the most PR WOI has gotten in the past 20 years. Down side: no one there is smart enough to use it correctly. (but to be fair, it is GREAT to see John Walters say "My bad" on Colbert!) Seriously, I'm shocked as shit to see the management allowed the news team to do the Colbert segment.

While we're talking about politics, let's touch on the second-place winner in the Ames Straw Poll. What's that? You say you DON'T know who that is because NO ONE talked about him this week? Here, let me help:

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I'm not even a republican, but I think that's almost as ridiculous as a politician showing up to do an interview about a new book, but is completely unprepared to talk about ANYTHING in that book:

O'Donnell's response for walking off Morgan's show: it was borderline sexual harassment. Classy. You're right, Christine, you're not a witch. You're a bitch.

-B-

To Prepare For The Future, One Must Look To The Past

2011-08-14T06:49:00.000-04:00

One of the biggest questions I get is "Blaine, why do you insist on wearing your underwear OUTSIDE of your clothes?" It's because I'm Batman...shhh, don't tell anyone. Another of the big questions I get is "Blaine, what did you do before Thinking Hard and working in the unseasonably warm city of Charlotte, North Carolina?" Good question. Before I moved here, I lived in Louisville, Kentucky, home of the Kentucky Derby (and let me tell you, if you want to see a bunch of people flashing their chests...including some GUYS...go to the infield of the Kentucky Derby). But before then, I worked in my hometown of Des Moines, Iowa. I worked for the perpetual number 3 TV station. Higher management there had some...um...issues. So I wasn't completely horrified when I escaped. I figured I'd never have to hear about my old station ever again. And just when I was lulled into a false sense of security, they went and did something stupid: they made it on The Colbert Report...

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(For the record, John Walters and Brad Edwards have been there forever and are two of the most personable on-air talents I have ever enjoyed working with...any other on-air talent that worked there when I did has jumped ship. Good for them.) And even though it SEEMS like Colbert is satirizing the station's news content with a story about a garage sale, it's entirely accurate. I'm glad to see things haven't changed much in my absence.

While we're glossing over the massive stock market movements over the past week, let's continue our look at the Iowa Straw Poll. The state has hosted the unusual pre-voting forum for years as a way to draw more people to the state in the middle of August, where the only real draw is deep fried (insert your favorite dessert or condiment here) on a stick. Buncha fatties walking around the Iowa State Fair, I tell you what. But the straw poll means dick. Much like the Iowa Caucuses, where Hillary Clinton won before the 2008 election...congratulations, President Pantsuit...what?...what do you mean "didn't win"? Well, while Rick Perry/Parry skipped the Straw Poll, Michele Bachmann won it. Perhaps you've seen her major cover photo on Newsweek:

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I'd buy the issue and frame it, but I'm a little concerned it would frighten small children. You might also remember Bachmann's husband claims he can "fix" gay people. To that end, there's been discussion this week that popular Sesame Street characters Bertram and Ernest (adding a little class to the show, I see) should get married. NO! Uh-uh! And it's not because of the whole gay marriage issue (which I support...why not let gays and lesbians be as miserable as heterosexual married couples and NOT go cranking out a shitload of unnecessary children). It's because it's already been done. You might have heard about a bawdy little Broadway puppet musical called "Avenue Q." In it, two puppets named Rod and Nicky (who are similar to Bert and Ernie) find love with each other. In fact, when New York approved same-sex marriages, the puppets got married on the first day! So, Bert and Ernie, your shark has already been jumped. Better find some new schtick that makes you one-of-a-kind. Like NOT wearing turtleneck sweaters, Bert.

Finally, if you're familiar with me or this blog, you know how much I LOATHE Twitter. If ever there was a complete waste of space, it would be a tie for first place between Twitter and Thinking Hard (thanks for reading). But I DO enjoy good humor. That said, if you are indeed a Twitter-er...er... might I suggest following the user @Channel11News. It's a completely fictional account and it's funny for anyone who's ever seen those ridiculous "What's in your water COULD kill you!" commercials. Highlights include:

"Stories we're working on: Summer's best fruit salad recipe. Also, the area man who can't stop killing robins." (I have a Robyn I'd like that guy to meet)

"We'll take you inside a kindergarten classroom where the kids are learning telemarketing and light welding. What's your stance?"

Personally, I think child telemarketers would be easier to hang up on.

-B-

Choose Your Own Adventure

2011-08-07T06:07:00.000-04:00

You wake up in a dark room. You don't remember much, except that you'd been excited to see that the federal government passed a deal this week to raise the debt ceiling...then the Dow Jones plummeted 500 points Thursday...THEN Standard & Poor's downgraded the U.S. credit rating (which is what some analysts said would happen anyway since the government needed the ceiling raised by FOUR trillion dollars and the debt plan only called for about TWO trillion). So you went out and drank away your financial woes. Now you're here...laying on the floor in this dark room.

Do you...

a. feel around for a light switch to see where you are?
b. call out to the darkness and see if anyone responds?
c. roll back over and go back to sleep?

-------------------------------
a. Feel around for a light switch.

You start stumbling around like an idiot, hoping you don't accidentally fall on something sharp as you grope around the room. Then you accidentally hit a mug full of hot coffee...

Now you've done it. The hot coffee spilled on a napping guard armed with a Taser. He shocks you. You are dead.

THE END

-------------------------------
b. Call out to the darkness.

You call out to the darkness, hoping someone, ANYONE, will hear your crys for help. Suddenly, several armed police officers rush in with their guns all trained on one spot...you. You beg and plead for them to explain what's going on. One officer says "So, you thought you could commit a crime...and then take suspicion off yourself by REPORTING on the crime on local television news:"

You try to explain it's just a coincidence that has happened before, but the police don't believe you. You spend the next 10 to 20 years in a small confined space learning exactly how Bubba "likes it" (which, by the way, is "start slow and romantic, then get dirty and loud").

THE END

-------------------------------
c. Roll back over and go back to sleep.

You briefly consider getting up to explore, but you realize your situation probably will not change in the next few hours (whatever it is that happened to you) and you REALLY need to sleep off that hangover. As you roll over and drift back to dreamland, your hand brushes against your stomach and feels a couple of freshly-stitched areas about where your kidneys would be. For an instant, you remember a beautiful young woman coming to speak to you at the bar. She told you she was a motocross rider...which you thought seemed ridiculous because of the last time you saw women on a motocross track:

The images of women on dirtbikes falling all over the place make you smile as you fall back asleep. The detectives who find your body later see your smile and think maybe you died in the middle of making love. Guess you fooled them.

THE END
-B-

I Keep Hitting My Head On This Stupid Debt Ceiling!

2011-07-31T06:36:00.000-04:00

Good morning, Hard Thinkers...depending on which day of the week you read this blog, we're either on our way to a total economic collapse or it has already happened. Or, you know, Washington lawmakers decided to stop bickering like little children and ironed out a deal. Either way, mazel tov. If you're going to buy your Casey Anthony Halloween mask, now's the time to hit ebay. (shit you not, this really exists)

Hey, don't get me wrong...it's hard out there for a ~~pimp~~ congressional lawmaker. But these tough times are hitting people hard all over the place. Take the news media. It's getting so people in Philadelphia can't hear about animal hoarding without someone butting their nose into the story:

Fox 29 Reporter Attacked During Live Report: MyFoxPHILLY.com

My favorite part of that clip? The look on the anchor's face at the end. I can't tell if it's a look of disinterest or indifference. A quick note...the guy with the tattoo on the back of his arm that jumped the attacker is one of the animal cruelty officers on the scene. Looks like an episode of Dog the Bounty Hunter.

While we're on the subject of tattoos, you probably know by now (if you gave a shit in the first place) that Sandra Bullock's ex Jesse James has broken up with walking graffiti art Kat Von D. Want to know how to get rid of Kat Von D quickly during an interview? Start talking about Sandra Bullock's ex Jesse James:

Kat Von D Walks Out on GDLA Interview: MyFoxLA.com

Best Kat Von D interview ever...the one that never happened. (by the way, Kat, on behalf of producers everywhere who put together a newscast based on specific times for segments: fuck you) You hear the gang at Good Day L.A. referring to Sandy, who is obviously Sandra Bullock. They were also asked not to talk about Jesse James's mistress, Bombshell McGee. Kat Von D's response on (meh) Twitter? “Dear GoodDayLA, thanks for the waste of a perfectly good morning. Lack of compassion n respect for eachother never fails to dissapoint me.” Hey lady, you're going to put yourself out there AND try to promote your show, you better damn well be ready to answer questions about the newest things going on in your life...for better or worse. And it's DISAPPOINT with ONE S and TWO Ps. Idiot.

Want to know which network news anchor wouldn't put up with shit like that?:

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I'll leave you with one more clip today. It's of a live report where people were expecting to see and hear from the woman accusing former IMF chief Dominique Strauss-Kahn of sexual assault. See if YOU can figure out something big is happening before the live reporter does:

Here's a tip...if you are the ONLY REPORTER left at a spot while there's something going on somewhere else, you are probably going to get yelled at by the boss. The funniest part of that clip to me is that the REPORTER posted the video HIMSELF! "Hey, you should've seen all those reporters running behind me to show something about the World Trade Center...I guess it blew up or something...anyway, I'm going to continue my story about adorable homeless cats on the streets of New York." Hey, next we'd like you to interview Kat Von D...I'm sure there's NO CHANCE WHATSOEVER that you'll actually ask her something pertinent.

-B-

The Blogging Dead

2011-07-24T05:50:00.000-04:00

It's been a hard week for us here at Thinking Hard. Too much death in the headlines. For starters, BIG news on a popular singer...that's right, Jennifer Lopez's marriage to Marc Anthony is dead. Reports have come out (mostly from the tabloids, so take these with a grain of salt) that Anthony once cheated on Lopez with a flight attendant (named Steve) and that he'd been controlling what J-Lo was wearing in public and during photo shoots. Those reports also say Anthony was jealous of J-Lo's career. Yes, Mr. Anthony, J-Lo's career is so big, she's become the host of a television talent competition instead of releasing album after album after album. She's basically following David Hasselhoff's career path. Well, I'm sorry for their twin 3-year-old kids...but mostly I'm sorry they were born into a marriage that was never going to work anyway. Remember...friends don't let friends procreate.

Okay, so I totally baited you there. I know there was a MUCH bigger death in the headlines in recent hours. I am, of course, talking about the death of...Borders Bookstores. The company announced this week it would hold closing out of business sales at its almost 400 stores around the country. No joke...I walked into a local store here Friday morning (the same morning that the email came out from the company announcing the closures) and that store was PACKED! It made me a little sad...and angry, given all of the SCREAMING CHILDREN!!! Parents, PLEASE find a sitter instead of taking your children shopping with you! Otherwise you're just unwilling spokespeople for abstinence.

Oooohhhh, you were waiting for the OTHER big death in the headlines. That's right, you can't try to make her go to rehab anymore, bitches. Amy Winehouse was found dead yesterday. Police say the cause of death is ~~the combination of alcohol, meth, cocaine, heroin, oxycontin, cough syrup and Pop Rocks~~ "unexplained." Can't imagine what killed her. But, in honor of her passing, let me offer one of the "star's" final performances from Belgrade back in June, apparently singing her hit "Mklsdf slskdf":

She's the only person I know who probably stumbled incoherently into her death bed. There's no "I want to be alone" here...more like "I want a macabutter car mmlsih and LET ME INTRODUCE sdklfj." Some say her passing is sad...I say the way she lived is sad.

-B-

I'm On Vacation

2011-07-17T06:39:00.000-04:00

I'm taking a few days off from life to ~~go to Orlando and meet up with Casey Anthony~~ relax in the warm summer sun. It's up to you to entertain yourself this week...just DON'T do it on Facebook:

Instead, go see the new Harry Potter movie. It's good. It's better in 3D. If you don't have that kind of time or money, try the recent trend of remixing that crazy cat lady's eHarmony dating video. I prefer this version with Gnarls Barkley...and Keyboard Cat:

Debbie, from the bottom of my heart, thank you for reminding me why dating is a TERRIBLE idea.

-B-

I Like Swimming, And I Have Children, But They Don't Live With Me

2011-07-10T07:31:00.000-04:00

Yep...I've already taken the time to start an online dating profile for Casey Anthony. Jurors acquitted her this week on all charges that she killed her daughter, Caylee, or had anything to do with her death. Here's a fun fact...it took jurors in the Rod Blagojevich trial more than a WEEK to come back with a verdict when they had the evidence right in front of their faces...it took jurors in the Casey Anthony trial only about 11 HOURS to come back with a verdict because they say there was NO evidence linking Anthony to the crime. After the verdict, the defense team went to a bar to celebrate...and one of the attorneys had a special message for the media:

That's Cheney Mason, whose bird show has earned him a complaint from the Florida Bar Association. The Bar says Mason did not maintain the integrity of the profession...which MUST be an ironic by-law. Anyway, Cheney, hear me out: I agree with you. For the last three years, members of the national media (I'm looking in the direction of YOUR pantsuit, Nancy Grace) have skewered Casey Anthony. I watched the "Waiting For What Will HAVE To Be A Guilty Verdict" coverage and they spent hours talking about how guilty Casey Anthony is and how exactly she manipulated everyone in her life. Media's supposed to be non-biased. Anyone out there who bitches about Fox's Unfair and Unbalanced coverage should have been absolutely pissed off at the bias by some (not all) media outlets on the Anthony trial. So, yes, regardless of whether she did it, Casey Anthony got a bum rap from the media and journalists probably deserved that middle finger...but not from you, Cheney Mason. That middle finger seems almost celebratory. But Juror No. 3 told ABC News after the verdict that many of the jurors were sick to their stomach that they'd have to acquit Anthony. But they had to do what jurors do...look objectively at the evidence presented. And the prosecution just didn't have enough evidence directly tying Casey Anthony to the death of her daughter. It sucks, but it's true. What's ALSO true, Mr. Mason, is the defense didn't win this case...the prosecution lost it. Remember, Jose Baez's opening statement promised to tie Casey Anthony's dad to the crime AND prove he molested his daughter. Not only did the defense NOT prove this, but the judge forced Baez not to mention it during the closing argument because they hadn't proved a thing! So, Mr. Mason, you can keep celebrating your courtroom wins...as long as you face prosecutors who rode the short bus to law school. Ass. Also, I'm thinking about selling bumper stickers: "Honk If Casey Anthony Should Be The Next 'Bachelorette.'"

The OTHER thing that caught our attention at Thinking Hard this week came from Katie R., who, incidentally, will be celebrating her birthday this week. Happy birthday. And nothing says "happy birthday" like a woman dying after having sex with a dog. No joke. The Irish woman met a guy in a bestiality chat room back in 2008. They hooked up...and by "they," I mean the woman and the dog...and she died soon after. Only recently did investigators find out it's because the woman had a severe allergy, possibly from the dog's semen! Just another crazy news story of "Man Humps Dog."

-B-

So You Brought Zima And Condoms..To Teach Her A Lesson?

2011-07-02T17:42:00.000-04:00

Oh, you know it's gonna be a sweet blog when the title refers to the "Dateline: To Catch A Predator" series. For those of you young'uns out there who never enjoyed the pedophilic fun, here's a brief primer: NBC gave reporter Chris Hansen free reign to work with a shitload of anti-pedophile activists to entrap them at homes by convincing them online that there were teenage boys/girls home alone who were easily imbibed with alcohol. There were hidden cameras all over the house. And the "bait boy/girl," who was generally a young-looking woman of legal age, would say "Come on in and sit in the kitchen, I just have to get something from upstairs." Idiots enter the kitchen...and in walks Chris Hansen and a photojournalist to do a brief "So, what are you doing here?...oh, you just wanted to teach him/her a lesson about internet safety...and that's why you showed up naked (no joke, it happened on at least one occasion and was NOT pretty) with a 6-pack of Zima and a box of condoms...let me read back some of the transcript from your online conversation...she said 'I might be too young for you,' and you said 'You've got to learn sometime' (seriously, this was my favorite part of the interview)." And after Hansen grilled them for a few minutes and they appeared shameful, he let them leave. Which they did...into the waiting hands of sheriff's deputies outside. It was such an awesome show that had to be canceled when one of the guys killed himself (not on camera). In fact, when it started, the guys were confused when they first saw Hansen walk into the kitchen. But then, you could tell the show was gaining popularity because the pedos recognized Hansen as soon as he walked in. It was great! So, with all of Hansen's work with hidden cameras, imagine my surprise when HANSEN was caught on hidden camera walking into a Palm Beach hotel with a woman 20 years younger than him (a reporter, too, no less) who's not his wife...and not walking out until the next morning. Also, the National Enquirer broke the story. Yes, catching famous men cheating on their wives IS what's keeping the Enquirer in business. "So, Mr. Hansen...you brought this woman to a hotel for the night to teach her a lesson about reporter ethics?"

One might assume that ALONE would make this an awesome week for me...but OH NO. Not by a LONG shot. Have you perhaps heard about this Florida mom on trial for killing her young daughter? I know, it hasn't really been in the headlines lately (seriously, there's a series of fucking APPS for this trial!). Her name's Casey Anthony and, in a horrible yet honest vision of my dating life, she was attractive enough (before the jail time waiting for her trial) that I probably would've tried to pick her up in a bar. So the trial's kind of been a media circus, but the judge appears to not be putting up with any shit, which is kind of awesome...especially when a news photographer in the courtroom saw a guy in the audience flip off the prosecutor and that photographer TOLD THE JUDGE! Surely this kid will get off easy because he's 28-year-old TGI Friday's server (who probably lives in his parents' basement), right?:

Downside, that kid won't survive 6 MINUTES in jail, let alone 6 DAYS. Upside, he might like it...and those shiny handcuffs probably could be considered "flair" if he doesn't get canned at TGI Friday's. Douche.

So, you're sitting there thinking "Okay, Blaine, so there were a couple of pretty funny stories this week for Thinking Hard, but I'm still not convinced it was one of the best weeks ever based only on TWO stories." Well, first, fuck you. I'm the one writing for an hour online...all you have to do is read and watch it. Second, I'm not done yet. Not even close. See, there was a verdict in ANOTHER big trial this week that I've SOOOOO been looking forward to. Former Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich (a Democrat) has been on his second trial for fraud/corruption/what else ya got charges after he was caught on a wiretap trying to sell President Obama's old Senate seat after he was elected to the White House. The first case ended in a mistrial. The second time around, he spent FOUR DAYS on the stand, blithering and babbling incoherently, making me wish I was a court reporter in Chicago. Blago's been convinced all this time he'd be acquitted...let's see how THAT worked out for him:

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I wonder if he'd consider selling his hair because IT'S fucking golden.

(Public service announcement: people on Twitter are sending out a total of 200 million tweets a day...really, people? I think it's time to cut back, don't you? -- That public service announcement was less than the maximum characters for a tweet...don't make me tweet that.)

While I'm talking about bad habits, let's look at another fantastic piece of video. This time, we're looking at a breaking news report from a fire in Houston at an abandoned business with tanks that used to store petroleum. I should also point out that Texas has been dealing with REALLY dry weather and wildfires. For 20 points, see if YOU can figure out what the reporter is doing wrong here:

That guy sent out an apology on the station's Facebook page to assure angry viewers that he was standing on CONCRETE when he put out his cigarette. And he pulled an Ashlee Simpson on SNL when he blamed a "technical glitch" for the reason he was caught on air smoking. Dude, it wasn't the glitch that people were upset about...it's that you were around an already flammable situation with a lit cigarette. Next time, just chew the gum until you get back in the live truck.

I can see I"m starting to win you over, but it's not quite enough. You're thinking "Blaine, this is entertaining, but it needs to be BIGGER. Do you have anything in a Size 12 politically awkward moment?" You're in luck...courtesy Chris Wallace on Fox News talking to Republican presidential candidate Michele Bachmann (also a Minnesota congresswoman):

Wallace later apologized. But you don't seem quite sold just yet. "Bigger," you demand. Well, I will tell you I am here for the PEOPLE! RISE UP AND BE HEARD! YOU WANT BIGGER, I'LL GIVE YOU THE BIGGEST I'VE GOT (that one's just for the online predator people watching Thinking Hard):

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart

Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c

Mark Halperin Calls Obama a Dick

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Aaaaand I'm spent. Thank goodness I keep this 6-pack of Zima handy.

-B-

Making So Much Out Of So Little

2011-06-26T07:05:00.000-04:00

Welcome back, readers...I hope you all survived the weekend threat of drunk drivers. Yes, it's the summer, or as we here at TH like to call it "Darwin Season." See, it seems more people like to drink more during the summer (alcohol, by the way, does NOT cool you off...instead, it just serves to dehydrate you further...drink water) and then they get into their cars and drive drunk. Take Ryan "I'll Live Up To This Show's Name Someday" Dunn, who was one of the guys in "Jackass." Dunn died after drinking and speeding at 140 MPH (!!) and crashing his car. Now, I'll give you that any deadly accident is tragic. But what's more tragic is his buddies aren't learning from this. They figured he'd die in a car crash someday. No joke. They even joked about it behind the scenes of "Jackass." Also, Bam Margera got REALLY pissed off when Roger Ebert posted this tweet: "Friends don't let jackasses drive drunk." I mean REALLY upset. Bam was dropping f-bombs and ripping on Ebert. Roger took the high road and apologized soon after, but I question whether Bam will really learn anything from this. I'm not condoning Ebert's joke (moreso the timing than anything else), but Bam, if you REALLY care about your buddy's death, you'll hop right on the television and internet and start doing a shitload of "Don't Drink and Drive" commercials. Don't just get pissed off at Ebert...because, quite frankly, he's right. You guys knew Dunn's behavior was dangerous and you just let him keep on doing it. That makes you assholes. So don't be a dick, Bam...get out there and prevent someone else's buddy from making the same mistake.

I'll step off my soapbox for an instant... to make room for Jon Stewart. James sent me this clip of Stewart on Fox News Sunday with Chris Wallace. I'll say that I respect both of these men for what they do. Wallace seems like a very competent journalist and Stewart makes me laugh regularly. But I think Wallace has been drinking a little too much of the Fox Kool-Aid...as exhibited in this clip when he doesn't defend Fox and instead tries to attack Comedy Central. Really?:

I also found it interesting that after the interview, Stewart was FACT-CHECKED. Awesome. A comedy program about the news is being fact-checked. Okay, let's see if they're checking anyone else:

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart

Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c

Fox News False Statements

www.thedailyshow.com

Daily Show Full Episodes

Political Humor & Satire Blog

The Daily Show on Facebook

Delightful. Let's also see how Stewart reacted to the assertion (then the "take-back" of said assertion) by John "You Kids Get Off My Lawn...And By Lawn, I Mean The United States" McCain that ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS are responsible for the devastating wildfires in Arizona (again, by request by James):

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart

Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c

Aliens vs. Senator

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Daily Show Full Episodes

Political Humor & Satire Blog

The Daily Show on Facebook

And now, this moment with a narcoleptic dog:

And now, this moment of seeing too many balls in South Carolina...

Hey, did you happen to catch the Southwest Airlines pilot this week, accidentally caught on airline radio ranting about how he can't pick up any flight attendants because they're too old, too gay or too "grande"? This will be the best 2 and a half minutes you'll listen to all week:

That pilot? Suspended...then let BACK ON THE JOB. Good thing there's no sexual harassment policy at 16,000 feet.

Hey, it's summertime, and when people aren't drinking and driving, they're heading to the big summer blockbusters at the movies. What's that you say? You've squandered all day reading this blog, so you don't have any TIME to go to the big movies? Well, then, let me offer you the Cliffs' Notes versions...brought to you by they same crew that brought you "Kids Reading Kanye West's Tweets":

(Rings are for girls...)

There's always time for Mike Tyson. And finally, a little something for the ladies in the crowd:

Happy birthday, Melissa!

-B-

Really, Vancouver?

2011-06-19T05:26:00.001-04:00

We here at Thinking Hard hear so many good things about the fine folks in Canada. They're always polite. They have a great health care system. Sure, it gets a little frosty in the north for 10 months out of the year, but otherwise, they seem like friendly folks. Then I saw Vancouver's reaction to the Canucks losing the Stanley Cup Finals to the Boston Bruins. Boston's response? Some celebrating in the streets. Nothing really out of hand. Vancouver's response? Fires and RIOT POLICE! You gotta be fucking kidding me!! You'd think it was a soccer game in Brazil! Top elected officials and sports stars are sad that the Vancouverans acted like a bunch of spoiled little pricks! On the plus side, television stations got to jump into some special "Extended Vancouver-age." What, too soon? Well then TAKE OFF...eh?

You know who else lost big this week? Anthony Weiner. The guy officially resigned this week as New York Representative. The press conference where he announced his resignation was pretty somber...until a guy in the crowd (no joke) blurted out "Goodbye, pervert!" But the shame wasn't just on Weiner...it was also on the network coverage. Good luck living THIS shot down:

Hey, want to know how to piss people off? Shoot a short video at an airport where there's NO ONE ELSE... make it at night when you're stranded... clearly DON'T HURT ANYBODY... and post it on the internet. I give you the groundbreaking short film from Dallas-Fort Worth Airport:

This week, the news stations have been loving this shit. No one called security on these guys and they cleaned up after themselves and did NOTHING ILLEGAL OR TERRORIST-RELATED. Yet some random airline passengers commented a few days after the video was posted that they shouldn't have to pay for such reckless behavior. Riiiight. I'll give you that these guys need to recharge their ipod or find something else to do, but they didn't hurt anyone. In fact, people are more often injured in a "Jackass" movie.. and that shit rakes in MILLIONS OF DOLLARS! So I hope these young filmmakers are able to use this and make a higher-budget production...like "Stuck 3D" with James Cameron.

While we're talking about people behaving inappropriately, there's a lawsuit being filed against the driver who got into a car crash in Virginia. The Washington Post got a hold of the lawsuit paperwork. See if YOU can figure out what the driver was doing wrong at the time of the crash:

Paragraph 10. “At the time of the collision, Defendant was going 85 miles per hour.”

Paragraph 12. “At the time of the collision, Defendant was having sex with a female.”

Paragraph13. “At the time of the collision, Defendant was driving admittedly drunk.”

Paragraph 14. “At the time of the accident, Defendant was partially or totally in the backseat of the car.”

If you guessed "The Defendant didn't use his turn signal while changing lanes," you're right. Seriously, though... 85 while having sex partially or totally in the backseat of the car?? How tall IS this guy??

Finally, I'd like you to meet a woman who likely would never get any action...INCLUDING in the back/front of a speeding car. Here's her online dating video. Yeah, with that video, I'm sure she's going to spend a LOT of time at home, stroking her ~~pussy~~ cats. And she'll cry a lot about it afterward. Now you know why I don't date.

-B-

Yup, That's A Picture Of My Dick

2011-06-12T05:45:00.000-04:00

So the Rep. Anthony Weiner (D-NY) Twitter scandal isn't ~~dong~~ done by a long shot. This week, Weiner admitted to the media that it was, indeed, his penis hiding in the underwear in that infamous Twitter picture. And he, indeed, sent it to a woman who was not his wife. And he, indeed, had inappropriate relations and conversations with other women who were not his wife. And his wife is, indeed, pregnant with their first child. Wow, talk about having a bad week. All over a little piece of "junk" mail. So, obviously Weiner's college buddy, Jon Stewart, would have a little something to say about it. But wait until you see what happens to him during the first segment:

The Daily Show - Jon Stewart Press Conference
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The Daily Show - Jon Stewart Press Conference - John Oliver Takes Over
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The Daily Show - The Wangover
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Some day, someone will come out and suggest having sex while reading Thinking Hard. Some day.

Who's having a worse day...Anthony Weiner or this news anchor in Roanoke, VA? You make the call:

Fun side note...when that video was done, YouTube seemed to believe that I would ALSO enjoy this video of a hippo spraying people at a zoo with poo. Let's take a moment to enjoy:

I mean, if I wanted to see shitty video of a hippo, I'd go back to the nip-slip by Khloe Kardashian on Fox News...wait, what? We have that clip available? Well, by all means...

I think I just threw up a little in my mouth...kinda like when I heard Sarah Palin say late last week that Paul Revere performed his famous "The british are coming" ride to warn not only the americans, but also the british. Now, anyone who's taken a history class outside of Wasilla, Alaska, knows the ride was designed for Revere to warn the americans and had nothing to do with the british. However, when asked about the ride during her bus tour, she said "He who warned the british that they weren't gonna be takin' away our arms by ringing those bells, and makin' sure as he's riding his horse through town to send those warning shots and bells that we were going to be sure and we were going to be free, and we were going to be armed." Okay, first, thanks for limiting my need to use the period key, but the comma key is getting a little tired. Second...no. No no no no no no no no no no no no no no. If you had given that answer on Jeopardy, Alex Trebek would not only look on you in disdain, but he'd demand that your third-born child be sacrificed because of your stupidity. So Fox News anchor Chris Wallace did his job as a journalist and called Palin out on it. Here's her response: "I didn't mess up about Paul Revere. Part of his ride was to warn the british that were already there. That, hey, you're not going to succeed. You're not going to take American arms. You are not going to beat our own well-armed persons, individual, private militia that we have. He did warn the British." Man, I really hope she gets nominated for next year's election. But, hey, it's not like Fox can recognize the woman anyway...check out the picture being used for this Sarah Palin story. It's Tina Fey imitating Sarah Palin:

Now THAT'S a dick move.

-B-

Pouring One Out For My Homies Who Left The Newsroom This Week

2011-06-05T05:55:00.000-04:00

What's up and welcome back. We're now in the HEAVY heat before the dog days of summer...seriously, 95 degrees at the end of May??? Stupid heat.

It was only made worse yesterday as I lugged what felt like my body weight in comic books (don't judge) to get them signed (read: make them worth more) at the local comic convention. An older guy ahead of me in a VERY slow-moving line turned and said to me (in my best old southern guy voice) "It's almost lahk (like) a lahn (line) at an amusement pahk (park)." Yeah...except for it's INDOORS. If the convention had been held outdoors, I would have passed out in the first ten minutes. But it was totally worth it for 15 bucks.

Hey, do you remember me telling you about the news director in Syracuse who left after someone sent out a company-wide email from his account saying he and the station's consumer reporter were having an affair? Well, now a few weeks after the fact, that reporter has also resigned. Seems like something that should have happened sooner. I thought it weird that the news director would leave and the "object of his affection" would continue HER job. And again, no update to the rumors that the news director's own DAUGHTER sent out the email...but I still think that's humorous and worth noting.

Also relating to inappropriate behavior and "worth noting"...

The Daily Show - Distinguished Member of Congress
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Ah, journalism. Jon's done a great job with this story. He hasn't pulled any punches all week. He's treated the story with the same type of humor the show always offers...which is unexpected since Weiner and Jon are so tight. I'm impressed that The Daily Show has been able to stay its course despite the possible conflict of interest.

Y'know, that makes me think...I hope my blog does some good for someone someday. It's nice to think that my time's not being wasted. I'd almost like to see something similar to what happened for the guy who started this blog called "This Guy Has My Macbook." See, some asshole stole his Macbook laptop computer. So he used a program he'd already installed on the computer to spy on the thief and take random pictures of the thief and the activity on the computer. Quite frankly, a BRILLIANT move...considering it worked. This week, police found the thief and the computer and got it back to its owner. That's awesome. So tune in next week for the new blog "This Guy Has Eaten My Soul." Here's a preview:

This is a picture of him after he just finished eating my soul.

Special shout-out to Katie and Mark, two of my dearly departed co-workers in the newsroom. You guys are great co-workers and fantastic friends and you'll be missed in the office, but we'll be drinking together soon.

-B-

Oh No, Oprah's Gone...What Do I Do Now???

2011-05-29T06:07:00.000-04:00

Welcome to this Memorial Day Weekend edition of Thinking Hard...which will have nothing to do with Memorial Day.

Hey, remember that crazy story about Arnold Schwarzenegger having a love-child? TMZ (yes, THAT TMZ) is reporting Maria Shriver was the one who leaked the news about the affair to the media! Holy shit! Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned...by another woman who is equally as unattractive. TMZ says Maria actually wanted to hold a news conference and announce all the sordid details publicly. But her friends "talked her off the ledge" and she leaked the information instead. TMZ also says she was unhappy in the marriage for almost two years and just hadn't gotten around to filing for divorce. The matter of divorce is not something to joke about, especially for the couple (and children, if there are any) involved...so I won't. What I WILL say is Maria and Arnold both made a terrible decision in getting married anyway. It's clear she at least respected the institution of marriage if she spent two years unhappy without filing for divorce. HE, on the other hand, couldn't wait to find a woman who wasn't so brittle. Bottom line, the institution of marriage isn't what it was 20 or 30 years ago. People get married at the drop of a hat nowadays...and think having children is the way to feel better about it when things get rough. Seriously? The kids might as well be born singing the lyrics of one of my favorite Stabbing Westward songs: "I can not save you...you can't even save yourself."

Speaking of people doing bat-shit crazy (bringin' back the BSC, baby!) things with children, the Casey Anthony murder trial is in full swing. You'll remember her as the Florida woman who killed her 2-year-old daughter, Caylee, then went out clubbing and groped other women and men. (a side note: I apparently attract BSC women because the first time I saw this chick, I thought she was hot) This week, her lawyers suggested her FATHER helped get rid of the toddler's body AND molested Casey when she was younger. But my favorite part of the trial was the media coverage... specifically when reporters LITERALLY tried to trip up the defense team:

What the *bleep* indeed.

While I'm on the subject of reasonably attractive women who turn out to be cold-blooded bitches, let's talk a moment about Katy Perry. Yeah, I easily overlooked the BSC in HER eyes and thought she might be nice. It turns out she's not. The Smoking Gun website got a hold of her contractual agreement with limo drivers while she's on tour. The paperwork says drivers may not
stare at the back seat in the rearview mirror. The driver also may not converse with her, nor ask for autographs or pictures, and especially not while driving. (THAT part I understand) The driver is not even supposed to open the door for Perry -- her security will do that. Perry also likes the
presidential suite in a five-star hotel, but absolutely no carnations in her dressing room. Ah, I can't wait until Thinking Hard makes ME rich and famous...so I can make ludicrous requests and basically act like a dick. I mean, it's not like the limo driver is gonna throw shit at her or anything. Not like those rude basketball fans did to Charles Barkley:

Not as funny as Tracy Morgan calling Sarah Palin a hot piece of ass during the TNT pre-game, but still..

-B-

Did I Sleep Through The Rapture?

2011-05-22T06:15:00.000-04:00

Man, I WISH something would happen that I can talk about in my blog...oh, wait...

Former California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger admitted this week to fathering a child with one of his housekeepers. She had the child TEN YEARS AGO... and his soon-to-be-ex-wife Maria Shriver only JUST found out! What, did she just MISS the little latino kid with the huge f'n gap in his top front teeth??? Everyone's been jumping on the "Sperminator" and "True Lies" jokes based on Ah-nold's movies...we here at Thinking Hard go a little deeper (pun intended). So go see Ah-nold's new movies: "Eraper" and "End of Lays." By the way, have you SEEN the housekeeper he slept with? Ew.

Also in the "Men Are Dumb When It Comes To Sex" category, the former head of the International Monetary Fund is charged with raping a maid at a hotel in New York City. Hopefully he at least gave her a good tip. (haha...triple entendre!)

And that brings us back to Osama bin Laden...which I'll let Jon Stewart handle:

The Daily Show - Daily Show: Whackistan
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Oh yeah...Donald Trump's not running for president. Shocker.

You know, the only thing that would've made this week MORE fun would be if Jon Stewart went on Bill O'Reilly's show to debate the appearance of rapper Common (no relation to Waka Flocka) at the White House Def Poetry Jam...oh, wait...

Honestly, if the two of them had a show together, I'd watch it nightly.

The next date of the end of the world is sometime in 2012. Get your tickets now. And to the guy who blew ALL of his savings on billboards, ads, etc. on warning people the world would end yesterday: I'll take you to see "The Hangover 2."

-B-

Two And A Half Meh (Now Fortified With Ashton Kutcher)

2011-05-15T06:15:00.000-04:00

Well, Jon Cryer, you had a good run at it.

Hey, welcome back to the almost-as-spectacular-as-#200 blog #201 here at Thinking Hard. Seriously, I did a SHITload of drinking in celebration of last week's momentous occasion. Sure, I might have done a striptease the next day at work, but I didn't do NEARLY as bad as THESE newspeople behaving badly:

(Thanks James for tracking down this video.)

Sometimes, it's just an occasional subtle misspelling:

(It's SEPARATED...with two As)

(Um, you have just one extra I there...too bad that was a commercial. I bet someone got bitch-slapped for that one.)

Or you could just be the ~~news director~~ former news director at WSYR. He resigned this week after an email was sent out to the ENTIRE STATION that he was having an affair with a consumer affairs reporter. This wasn't just a "reply all" situation. This was intentionally sent out to every person with a company email address. The reporter is still employed. Many at the station believe the news director's DAUGHTER sent out the email using her father's account. "Yeah, Dad, fuck you! That's for all those ~~nights when you crept into my bedroom and asked me if I wanted to work out with your Shake Weight~~ 'Toddlers & Tiaras' pageants!"

But you know me...almost no one in news will be a bigger douchebag than anyone at Fox News...

The Daily Show - Tone Def Poetry Jam
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The Daily Show - Tone Def Poetry Jam - Lyrics Controversy
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Man, I wish I worked for a place where an idle conversation of "You'll never guess what I heard..." or "Hey, I hear Billy Graham is in the hospital..." turns into the top story of the week.

-B-

Blog #200!...Say Hi To Ya Mutha For Me

2011-05-08T07:20:00.000-04:00

Woohoo! We've reached the 200th installment of Thinking Hard! If only we had a reason to celebrate... I'll warn you now, this blog's a little video-heavy. Quite frankly, I'm exhausted. I just went with a few..um..."friends" for a...uh..."hunting trip" to Paki...er...Liechtenstein last weekend, then we went...um..."fishing" with the proper "bait," but still didn't catch that swordfish I was hoping for. I had to take a much smaller...um..."trophy" and stuff it and mount it on my wall. And that's why there are no pictures.

Seriously, I can't do this story justice. Jon?

The Daily Show - Big Deady
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The Daily Show - To Kill a Mockingturd
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Meanwhile, local news outlets scrambled to get this story on the air. Here was how it looked to (no surprise) a Fox station in Sacramento, CA:

And here's how the brits got it wrong on BBC News's website:

And, yes, even our two local morning anchors here in town did it. The male anchor mixed up "Obama" and "Osama." And the female anchor started talking about "Vice President Bin Laden." So it happens. But when I first saw the breaking news on Sunday night, one of my big thoughts was "FINALLY! An international news story that will WARRANT the attention it's about to get!" Not like that abortion of a social event...the royal (?) wedding of Willie and Kate. And because I'm feeling generous today, here's special, never-before-seen footage from the blessed event:

The Daily Show - The Wedding Banners Uncensored
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Now THAT'S the coverage the royal (?) wedding deserved.

Can I officially call coverage of the sneak attack on Osama bin Laden "gotcha" journalism? If not, I'll leave it to Sarah Palin to define it. You might remember her infamous interview with Katie "Kiss My Ass, CBS" Couric before the 2008 election, where Couric asked Palin what magazines and newspapers she reads...and Palin couldn't name anything. So imagine my surprise when THIS clip hit the interwebs this week. MSNBC caught up with Palin at last weekend's White House Correspondents dinner (y'know, the one where Obama basically told Donald Trump to suck it). They asked her (and several other attendees) who she thinks the most influential journalist is. Her response...wait for it:

Seriously, it's a wonder that woman remembers to breathe in the morning.

To be fair, public officials are caught doing some pretty stupid things on camera...but perhaps NONE quite as bad as THIS:

Can you imagine being the guy who suggested THAT story in the morning meeting? "Say, I was just checking a porn sit...I mean, my EMAIL...at my desk and came across...er, no, bad choice of words...FOUND this video clip..."

But then there are people who have opinions about news and really shouldn't. Take KERO in Bakersville, California, for example: the station tried to kick off its May sweeps with a bang by doing a story about how strip clubs are actually faring WELL in this economy (note: check the lottery too. Both cost about a dollar for a much-needed scratch-off.). So the chief meteorologist...you know, the guy whose SOLE JOB is to talk about WEATHER and nothing but WEATHER...says he has a problem with it because of his christian values. He asks for the night off that the story is scheduled to air, but because it's sweeps, no major newscast talent is allowed to take a vacation day. So he sucks it up, does the adult thing...AND DOESN'T SHOW UP TO WORK! Listen, man, I understand the need to take a stand for your religion. Muslims do it all the time when they say "Osama bin Laden and al-Qaida DON'T represent what our religion stands for." So might I suggest your next career be in the clergy...since you've been fired for breach of contract? Also, if you find another job as a meteorologist somewhere, could you PLEASE keep your moral highground to yourself because you are a WEATHERman and not a NEWSman? Seriously, that's as obnoxious as having a traffic reporter who feels the need to act like a news director... In fact, if I might make a suggestion, maybe he should be in charge of all future stories like THIS:

It's a good thing the "crocodilian" didn't get her...she's obviously brilliant and a very integral part of this morning newscast.

Hey, happy mother's day! And happy 200th blog!!! Geronimo!!

-B-

In Absentia

2011-05-01T05:56:00.000-04:00

It's a shame there wasn't anything really big happening this week (other than the 300+ people killed by violent tornadoes in the southeast). So let me take this time to share a story with you:

When I was growing up, my parents taught me a lot. One of the more important lessons they gave me was a little background on bullies. See, I was bullied quite a bit growing up because I was the nice kid, the boy scout, the kid who got all the As and stayed out of trouble. When I thought I got detention in the third grade, I remember breaking down and crying at my desk...right next to my best friend, whom I had been conversing with...and that got me in trouble. As I looked up, however, I noticed I had only received a warning from the teacher. Not actual detention. Yeah, that was my screwed-up life growing up. My parents had instilled in me an attitude of hard work and staying out of trouble. So when I had trouble with a bully, my folks explained that bullies are just people who attack those they perceive as weaker...just to get a response. That part of my life came to mind recently as Donald Trump repeatedly called out President Obama, calling into question his birth in the United States. Here's the President's response:

The Daily Show - Believe It or Believe It - Obama Releases Long-Form Birth Certificate
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(Yeah, I know...I saw it in there too. We're going to pretend it didn't happen Friday morning...)

The Daily Show - Longformers
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So, Trump bullied President Obama into giving up his birth certificate. It's a bad precedent for the President. Now Trump's calling for school records...next it'll be the latest health exam...then it'll be DNA analysis of his hair. I appreciate what the President was trying to do. He was trying to shut Trump/Palin (2012!) up so the media would start focusing on the things that matter: the budget, jobs, health care, Will & Kate's...WHOAWHOAWHOA! Not getting mentioned here! Anyway, my point is, when my bully wouldn't shut up in school, I kicked him in the shin and he pretty much left me alone (don't judge...I was in 2nd grade). Since it's clear the birth certificate didn't work, I hope Mr. Obama finds a good "kick to the shin" to shut Trump up. Doesn't the President get three free kills by the Secret Service? Or is that just in the Simpsons?

See you all back here next week for Blog #200!
-B-

Love Letters

2011-04-23T05:06:00.001-04:00

I keep hearing that 2012 is the year the world ends. That said, let's check in with the frontrunner thus far in the republican ticket for the presidential election:

Please, oh PLEASE give me a Trump/Palin 2012 ticket! Dear republicans, if you want to convince the world that you REALLY don't give a shit about who's in the White House, as long as it's not a black guy, THIS is your best shot. Might I also make a suggestion: Secretary of Defense....CHARLIE SHEEN!-Love, Blaine.

Seriously, though, has Trump lost it? I know he's getting old (yet, his hair doesn't seem to age at all...), and senility is to be expected, but can ONE member of his family or "posse" PLEASE step up and tell him he's off his rocker??? I realize you'll probably lose your inheritance...if that's the case, I'll pay you to be my butler. And I'll pay you in love. Meanwhile, President Obama seems to be frustrated...if you believe the last part of THIS reporter's story:

Dear humble reporter, when the President asks that you please let him finish, how about you not act like a dick at the end of your story and badmouth the guy? It was a polite request that didn't interrupt your interview...and it even suggested that you'd be invited back again. That's like going to a house party and getting drunk off your ass. You have a great time, the host is tolerable...but you keep breaking his good china. So on your way out, he thanks you for coming and asks you next time to maybe not drink so much. Don't be a dick about it and tell your friends later that the host wouldn't stop in lecturing you about your drinking problem. Accept it and try to improve your behavior next time. Also, I'm disinviting you from the Thinking Hard 200th Blog Party. -Love, Blaine.

While I'm on the subject of drinking in clearly inappropriate places, let's take a trip to Springfield, Massachusetts. A TV anchor was invited to speak to a room full of adults and students about stopping bullying. It was a fundraiser honoring an 11-year-old boy who hanged himself after being bullied at school. A noble opportunity for a member of the media to become more highly-regarded and chance to teach the youth of the world something important...until people HEARD him speak. He spent some of the speech slurring his words (tip: "bully" only has two Ls, not twenty) and later admitted he'd been drinking beforehand. His station later told him there were two options: quit or be fired. He resigned. "Rememmmber kisss...don't buddy udder kisssss."

Hey, anybody see those deadly storms that ripped through the east coast last weekend? Yeah, those were intense. I don't think there was a single local TV station that DIDN'T break into local programming to warn viewers to get in their basements. HOWEVER...every time that happens, there are always a few assholes who will call or email the stations because they're upset that the life-saving information interrupted their treasured programming. This blog by WJLA in Washington, D.C., expresses that outrage better than I can...and uses some actual comments from actually stupid viewers. See, they were upset that a rerun of "Jeopardy!" was knocked off the air for tornado warning coverage. It never fails...I've taken those calls when the meteorologists take the air to try to save people's lives. And I'm not even directly impacted by the D.C. viewer complaints, but it still pisses me off that there are so many people out there who care more about television programs than other peoples' lives. Dear angry viewers-- fuck off. Go ahead and turn to another channel. Oh, wait, that's right, you can't...because EVERY OTHER LOCAL STATION IS DOING THE SAME THING! SO YOU SIT THERE AND DEAL WITH IT AND PICK UP A DAMN BOOK IF YOU'RE UNHAPPY! Also, you SUCK at "Jeopardy!" -Love, Blaine

And let's wrap this all up with a message of love from James H. to a reporter covering a Charlie Sheen appearance...

Dear reporter, you've got a little somthing...um...right about...no, that's not it...it's right...uh...y'know, never mind.-Love, James.

-B-

Counting Up To 200 Posts...

2011-04-17T06:17:00.000-04:00

Only a few more weeks and we at Thinking Hard will hit our 200th post...which I think is good for a free burrito at Qdoba or something like that.

Big news out of Charlie Sheen this week...he said in a radio interview this week he thinks there's an 85% chance he'll be re-hired to star in "Two and a Half Men." As long as he's forecasting, he can also mention a 100% chance of complete delusion. Look, I'm all about talented people in Hollywood getting a second chance after they've had a bad day or something like that. But, first, Sheen's "bad day" was a meltdown that rivals the one the people in Japan are worried about. Second, I said TALENTED. Sheen's a big name and was a popular actor in the 80s and 90s, but let's face it...without "Two and a Half Men," he would be reliving that opening (and closing) scene of the classic film "Sunset Boulevard," where the guy is laying face down in the water, presumably drowned, in the pool of a posh mansion. I'm an old-school kind of guy, who believes if someone you work with is an asshole who's easily replaceable, he should be replaced...whether it be on a sitcom or on a morning TV news show. There's no excuse for treating your co-workers like shit, regardless of how big you think you are.

Speaking of how big they think they are, let's talk the federal budget. So, the government didn't shut down and we have a new budget...that'll run us until September, when we can start all this bullshit all over again. Seriously, I'd move to Canada if it wasn't for the shitty weather. And I'd move to London if I didn't have to deal with that obnoxious wedding in a couple of weeks. And I'd move to Japan, but...well, I don't necessarily need an extra arm coming out of my forehead. So, thanks big government, for helping us realize we're SOOOO much better off in a democracy than a monarchy! Keep up that "hard work!"...asses.

Hey, you know what I found this week? A feed full of clever ways Borders Bookstores employees found to say "fuck you" to the customers who bailed on them for online retailers (*cough* Amazon! *cough*). Let's sit back and enjoy a look at people who, much like some people in TV, have lost all will to live:

I LOVE YOU, BORDERS!
-B-

The Hottest Mess Of Them All

2011-04-10T08:07:00.001-04:00

Hey, gang, welcome back to Thinking Hard. First, how about a big round of applause for guest blogger Holly Iverson! Fantastic blog...and a good lesson to "wrap ya tings." Thanks for covering for me while I was on vacation, Holly! (more on the vacation in a moment...)

Okay, before we get to the tournament, a couple of quick mentions...of people who STILL don't understand there's a deadline in making the brackets for the Hottest Mess Tournament. Two weeks ago, Chris Brown tried to punch and bite his way in...didn't happen. Now, this meteorologist trying to tie the forecast in with the reports of the missing cobra in NYC:

Wow, there HAVE been a lot of people having strokes on-air lately, haven't there?

Another late effort to enter the tournament, this one from a Mr. G. Beck. His entry says he's a paranoid crackpot who draws the attention of a large (and largely under-educated) group of americans. Unfortunately for Mr. Beck, his ratings have fallen as his insanity has grown. So much so that Fox "News" decided NOT to renew his contract. YES, ladies and gentlemen, THE DAYS OF "BECK"ONING ARE OVER! I think former MSNBC anchor Keith Olbermann put it best on his blog:

Whatever show(s) he does, whatever Beckian Stamp Of Batcrap Crazy Nonsense he produces, whatever he sells for $19.95 a pop, whatever hour is the 60 minutes of Revelation – whatever The Plan is – he’s got a big problem now.

It’ll be on against Fox News.

Hey, Glenn, I want you to know you always have a job opportunity here at Thinking Hard...getting my coffee.

Also trying to enter the tournament...former entrant Paris Hilton. She says at the ripe old age of 30, she's accomplished all of the goals she's had in life. We here at Thinking Hard have obtained that list of Paris Hilton's goals:

1. Be a whore
2. Do a homemade porno
3. Be useless

Well then, on behalf of everyone here at Thinking Hard, Ms. Hilton, congratulations. I look forward to reading your obituary shortly.

All right, enough fun and games...let's wrap of this year's Hottest Mess Tournament.

Women's Final: Snooki vs. Lindsay Lohan

I'll be honest...I totally expected Snooki to come out on top here (though, from what I hear, she prefers the bottom because she doesn't have to exert herself). In fact, I expected her to BOMB (or is it GRENADE?) horribly at Wrestlemania last weekend. I expected to see her fall on her face, right before my eyes. In fact, when she first got into the ring, 75,000 people BOOED her! I was so excited to be there, booing with all of the fans. Then we saw THIS:

HOLY SHIT! Snooki can move!! Now, to be fair, she essentially just used her sheer body mass to take out her opponent...but she was a LOT more aerodynamic than I expected. Even LiLo can't do that.

Winner: Lindsay Lohan

Men's Final: Charlie Sheen vs. Moammar Gadhafi

Well, there goes my script for their buddy-cop movie. Let's face it...Gadhafi is a one-man shit show. He's clearly out of his gourd and thinks his people like them. I don't know which CNN channel HE'S watching...but "his people" wouldn't take a shit on him if he was on fire. But that PALES in comparison with his ludicrous (not Ludacris) american counterpart. Charlie Sheen has now been on tour for a week, doing...something...on stage. Every review I've seen makes it look like Sheen just shows up at the theater, walks on stage, drops a few catchphrases and sounds like a fantasy novel...for AN HOUR! I've seen reports of people booing him (folks, if you're just going to drop 50 bucks to boo some guy for an hour, I'm going to start charging per pageview of Thinking Hard), others walking out...even a show last night that had someone shout "Start the show!" 20 minutes into the "performance." It was clear Sheen WANTED to do what Conan O'Brien did SUCCESSFULLY last year between his two television contracts. But let's face it: Charlie Sheen has lost his damn mind. And Gadhafi's crazy...but even HE won't go on a stupid live tour.

Winner: Charlie Sheen

So, for the first time ever in Hottest Mess Tournament history...

Intergender Finals: Lindsay Lohan vs. Charlie Sheen

For this monumental (heavy on the "mental") occasion, we've brought in a very special guest commentator...legendary actress Betty White! Betty, thanks for being here. Give us YOUR thoughts on the competitors in this year's tournament (I swear, this is an actual quote):

"I think they are terribly ungrateful. I cannot stand the people who get wonderful starts in show business, and who abuse it. Lindsay Lohan and Charlie Sheen, for example, although there are plenty of others, too. They are the most blessed people in the world and they don't appreciate it."

Wow! We actually have a rebuttal (heavy on the "butt") from Ms. Lohan:

"I've always been a fan of hers. It's just a bit strange when people feel they must speak publicly about others. Especially a grown woman."

Um, Lindsay, it's not like you're 16 anymore (even though you still party like it)...I think that ALSO makes you a "grown woman." And there are FAR WORSE things you're doing that would be considered "strange" for a grown woman to do than be a celebrity who's generally well-behaved and decry the attitudes of the more spoiled celebrities.

But let's not discount the Charlie Sheen-type of crazy. In fact, in this tournament final, Sheen invited Lohan up to his room to enjoy some time with him and his goddesses. So it all comes down to this moment. Sheen walks out of the bedroom having contracted about 20 more STDs than when he started...and Lohan's claim to fame is now that she slept with Charlie Sheen.

Hottest Mess of 2011: Lindsay Lohan (Thinks he's winning: Charlie Sheen)

I believe that's back-to-back victories for LiLo (which is just how she likes it...on her back).

-B-

Guest Blogger: Holly Iverson!!!

2011-04-06T14:34:00.003-04:00

Hey, Hard Thinkers. Normally you'd see more of the Hottest Mess Tournament, but we're de-toxing this week in favor of a guest blog by intern Holly Iverson. We're thrilled to have her...and please give her your undivided attention:

Well hello there. Thinking Hard asked me to write about my trip to the wonderful and very colorful Bahamas (I'm not just talking about the buildings). I agreed, but I should've agreed on only one condition: that you listen to what I consider my cruise theme song, while reading the post. After all, I was on a boat and, it was goin' fast and... well, you get the point.

Here's a little background information about my trip: I booked a 5 night cruise to the Bahamas on the Carnival Fantasy (see exhibit A) with my friend from college, Christine. Yes, Christine's a female. Yes, so am I. No, we're not lesbian lovers. Apparently, if you're going to go on a cruise with a friend of the same sex, you're supposed to bring several of them along... not just one. We got funny looks the whole time, and it wasn't just because my sunglasses left a very unflattering sunburn line around my face. Lesson learned.

Exhibit A:

The boat holds somewhere around 2,400 people like me, and about 850 people who, unfortunately, have to work. Needless to say, it was a big boat with some great views...

The best view was from our stateroom though..

The views off the boat were okay too, I guess.

But the most remarkable thing about the trip was meeting the locals. Yes, they really do worship Bob Marley and yes, the really do say 'Mon at the end of most sentences. They also have great pick-up lines. Apparently, American girls are so attractive in their eyes, even the older women couldn't stop hitting on me and Christine (maybe they heard that we shared a room.. hmm...). Every straw market booth we walked by, someone would say, "Hey pretty girl, come and take a look at what I got. It's free to look! See anything you like?" Okay, fine. I knew they weren't hitting on us, they just wanted our money. But the compliments were a good self-esteem booster when I realized (on a daily basis) that it was only 11:30 am and me and Christine had already finished our second ice cream cone. Yea, that's what happens when there are 5 ice cream machines, strategically placed around the boat. I could hardly go to the bathroom without being bombarded with cookies and ice cream and... pizza...

Anyway, even if I had been interested in one of the locals, I was kindly reminded by the government to be careful before... rocking the boat...

Thanks ya'll... I reckon I've had a blast writin' for ya'll.

For The Last Time, Chris Brown, You CAN'T Be In The Tournament!

2011-03-27T05:48:00.004-04:00

What's shaking, Hard Thinkers? The Hottest Mess Tournament is in full swing, but before we get to this weekend's action, I need to warn you that the most offensive, yet hilarious graphic error EVER from a number three television market is coming. You've been warned.

Also, Chris Brown, singer that assaulted his girlfriend Rhianna, you have ALSO been warned. Look, the tournament committee set the brackets last weekend. Though I appreciate the overzealous effort to be considered, you were just a bit too late (and will probably be forgotten by this time next year). Brown appeared on "Good Morning America" this week to promote his new album. First, he performed a song. Then, Robin Roberts sat down with him to talk about "the album" (and when I say "the album," I really mean everything that went down with him and Rhianna a couple of years ago). Now, truth be told, he seemed very calm in answering Robin's questions and trying to steer her back to the subject of his album. But that's not the price you pay to get to promote your shit on network TV. Robin GENTLY peppered him with the occasional Rhianna question, wrapped the interview...then Brown stormed off the set, started yelling, ripped off his shirt and threw a chair at a window in a dressing room! It sent glass flying down onto the streets of New York! Security removed Brown...and he did NOT return to perform his second single. How's that "anger management" thing working out, Chris? I'd have felt a little bad for Brown getting hit with questions from something that happened two years ago if not for a couple of things. First, GMA says it cleared all of the questions with Brown's people (would explain why he canned his publicist later in the week). Second, if he had sat down and answered these questions TWO YEARS AGO, he could have gotten them out of the way and moved ahead with his...er..."career?" Brown apologized later in the week during an interview on BET. I WAS, however, amused by his "tweet" following the interview, upset that he was being made out to be the bad guy, but people like Charlie Sheen are embraced by the media. Dude, he's FUNNY crazy...you're VIOLENT crazy.

Speaking of, let's get right to the tournament...

Men's Semifinals: Charlie Sheen vs. The Situation

Last week, I showed you the clip of The Situation doing a HORRIBLE job roasting Donald Trump. While that was good enough to get INTO the tournament, this is the BIG time, baby! You have to step up your game if you want to win! I mean, REALLY step up your game. Like, say a late-night talk show host is interviewing some random "celebrity" (in this case, we'll go with billionaire Mark Cuban) that has NOTHING to do with you at all. You just gotta do something like THIS:

Winner: Charlie Sheen. Hands down.

Again, fair warning...coming up, the most offensive, yet hilarious moment in live local news.

Men's Semifinals: David Arquette vs. Moammar "Check Your Spelling At The Door" Gadhafi

Poor David Arquette. He's had it tough. The man-child's filmography is basically FOUR "Scream" movies and a movie about pro wrestling. But somehow he stumbled into marriage with Courteney Cox (and guesses as to who married UP in that situation?). He was doing okay until she realized she married a 5-year-old in a 40-year-old's body. So how did David deal with it? He called into Howard Stern and spilled ALL the gory details about his sex life (or what was left of it) with Courteney. Then he went into rehab. Lately, he's been a lot calmer. I expect to see him on GMA in a couple of years to promote a movie...then being hit with questions about his failed marriage. Attention GMA: you might consider removing all chairs from the building that day. As painfully crazy all of that might seem, it STILL pales in comparison to a dictator who thinks the people shouting for him to leave the country actually LOVE him. A guy who thinks he can beat NATO. A guy who has somehow found seven different ways to spell his last name! This one's easy.

Winner: Moammar Gadhafi

So we'll have Sheen vs. Gadhafi in the men's final. Guess we'll have to put their buddy-cop movie on hold. A reminder, the offensive, yet hilarious local news error is coming. Hide your children, hide your wives...

Women's Semifinals: Snooki vs. Fox Anchor Gretchen Carlson

Yes, Jon Stewart and I have taken our share of potshots at the "hired for her looks-ish, definitely NOT her brains" Fox anchor Gretchen Carlson. Sure, Fox went ahead and put an attractive monkey on set to do the verbal equivalent of taking a dump on the set, sniffing it...then eating it. She's against everything anyone with a functional brain cell stands for. HOWEVER...that's NOTHING compared to the alternative. Snooki "wrote" a book, thinking we want to know all about her life. She appeared in a suggestive pose on the cover of Rolling Stone (I about lost my lunch). And then, two weeks ago, Snooki made a guest appearance on the pro wrestling program "Monday Night Raw." Here's a quick recap:

I had to be talked out of burning my Wrestlemania tickets.

Winner: Snooki

Women's Semifinal: Sarah Palin vs. Lindsay Lohan

Lindsay Lohan made it big in last year's tournament. But let's not count Palin out of it just yet. She's spent the last year haunting our televisions as a pundit on Fox "News." And she hunted live game in her reality series (believe me, "Sarah Palin's Alaska" is a LOT closer to Russia than it is on an actual map). She also played supportive candida...I mean, MOTHER...when Bristol slogged her way through "Dancing with the Stars." Let's go to the other competitor. Lindsay Lohan's accused of stealing jewelry that she's seen on surveillance tape wearing at another store. Plus...she's Lindsay Lohan. She TRIED to distance herself from this tournament by talking about changing her last name this week from Lohan to Sullivan, which is her mother's maiden name. Oh, Lindsay...I could make your new nickname SulLi if I chose. But no matter how many times you change your name, you can NEVER escape the Hottest Mess Tournament.

Winner: Lindsay Loha...er, Sulliva...er, the Bearded Lady...er, whatever. Her.

So Snooki will face Lindsay and Charlie will face Moammar for the right to head to the intergender finals...and a shot at glory.

And now, the moment I've been warning you about. This is from an NBC affiliate in Youngstown, OH:

Mmm...cock for breakfast.

Wait, I don't think that was it.

Hang on, I'm sure I have it somwhere...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...ah, here it is. From NBC affiliate (what's up with these NBC stations???) WMAQ in Chicago, IL, on the death of media darling polar bear Knut:

Faaaaaaaaiiiiiiilllllllllllllll! (That's the World Cup of Failure) A special thanks to Intern James for bringing that one to the table.

Quick note: next week, I'll be (gag) watching Snooki live at Wrestlemania, but I've arranged a special guest blogger. You'll love her. We'll wrap the tournament in two weeks.

(PS: if you like what you see, I've dropped new buttons at the bottom of the blogs that allow you to link up to the social media, including Facebook and Twitter. As always, your patronage is appreciated.)

-B-

Hottest Mess 2011 - A Change Of Pace & The Play-Ins

2011-03-20T05:24:00.004-04:00

It's that time again...it's March, baby! And while basketball fans have THEIR tournament this month, we here at Thinking Hard bring back our annual Hottest Mess Tournament! But, much like our "Fan Favorite" bracket last year, we're switching things up again and trying something new. I am pleased to unveil this year's...Hottest Mess BATTLE OF THE SEXES Tournament! That's right! This year, we have a women's bracket and a men's bracket...and when the smoke from THOSE brackets clears, the women's winner and the men's winner will duke it out for a shot at this year's Hottest Mess (someday-we'll-make-it) Trophy!

Before we get to this year's competitors, a special Honorary Mention goes out to one of the hottest messes out there...the American public. The Pew Research Center released a study this week that shows television is still the most popular medium for news...and the most popular network is FOX! Meanwhile, those of us with common sense are still looking for the parts of the channel's "news" coverage that live up to the "fair and balanced" mantra of the network.

But I apparently can't ignore the juggernaut that is Fox News any longer, so Fox & Friends anchor Gretchen Carlson will be one of the women playing-in for a shot in the hottest mess tournament. If you don't remember Ms. Carlson, here's a look from The Daily Show (December '09) at the lovely and misguided former CBS correspondent:

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart

Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c

Gretchen Carlson Dumbs Down

www.thedailyshow.com

Daily Show Full Episodes

Political Humor & Satire Blog

The Daily Show on Facebook

How could I have left her out of the tournament for THIS LONG? Ms. Carlson, my humblest apologies. She'll face Bristol Palin...AND Miley Cyrus in a FIRST-EVER THREE-WAY PLAY-IN GAME! Can you feel the excitement???

Gretchen Carlson vs. Bristol Palin vs. Miley Cyrus (play-in)

So it's been a quiet couple of months for Bristol. After her rhythm-deficient stint on "Dancing with the Stars," she seems to have gone into hiding in her cave in Alaska, only making casual appearances foraging for food on her mother's brief reality series. However, she's trying to follow in her mother's footsteps by ALSO releasing an autobiography. I believe it's called "Condoms and Their Many Improper Uses, or How I Learned To Stop Crossing My Legs." But is it enough to take out two VERY tough competitors?

Miley Cyrus has been all over the place, smoking fake marijuana, disrupting her parents' marriage, but is SHE tough enough in this match-up? I would have said yes, if not for her IMPRESSIVE "fuck you" to her critics during her monologue on Saturday Night Live several weeks ago:

She redeemed herself a little in the eyes of the Tournament Committee. She also isn't a hot enough mess at THIS point to win this play-in game. No, the honor of facing the number one seed at this year's tournament will go to...Gretchen Carlson! Never before have I seen so much air time given to one anchor who is so clearly clueless about much of the news she's bullshitting about. Some days, it feels like she's about to wrap up a story and she sees a note in the teleprompter from a producer that says "Gretchen, we're light...talk about what YOU think about this story." It's almost like Ashton Kutcher is running the Fox control room and is "Punk"ing America. I really hope that's the case, because there's no excuse for her drivel on TV, no matter HOW many people watch it. But let's be honest...people aren't LISTENING to the women on Fox News...they're watching them on "mute." It's like when a guy goes to a bar and sees this really hot woman. They start chatting and she starts babbling incoherently about her 20 cats and how she thinks Obama is an alien (not the illegal kind...the E.T. kind) and she can travel back and forth in time in her sleep, but only twice a year, and only for an hour either way. And even though the guy realizes this woman CLEARLY has no understanding of ANYTHING, including Daylight Saving Time, he's desperate and horny and she's hot, so he nods politely and smiles in agreement with everything she says, just to get some lovin'. So, Ms. Carlson, welcome to the big dance.

Play-In Winner: Gretchen Carlson

She'll face number-one seed Snooki in the women's semis. The other half of the semis will feature media darling Sarah Palin taking on media darling Lindsay "Oh, THIS necklace??" Lohan.

Let's go over to the men's bracket and check out who's in the Play-In game to face the number-one seed:

Gilbert Gottfried vs. The Situation

The Situation wasn't nominated until about 5 days ago, and it was for THIS performance at the Comedy Central Roast of Donald Trump:

Wow. That's almost as awkward as accidentally watching a best friend's homemade sex video. Only The Situation made me more violently ill to watch. In fact, at about 3:30, you can see Ice-T in the crowd about to lose his lunch. However, that's not NEARLY as appalling as what Gilbert Gottfried did to get into this Play-In. After the disaster in Japan, he dropped several...um, jokes?...on his Twitter feed (making America dumber, 140 characters at a time). I mean, these were TERRIBLE, TASTELESS jokes. Like: "Japan is really advanced. They don't go to the beach. The beach comes to them." SERIOUSLY??? To be fair, Gottfried hasn't really been funny for years (unless you count his stint as the AFLAC duck...a job which he was fired from after her Japan tweets). I present Exhibit A, ANOTHER Comedy Central Roast, this time for David Hasselhoff:

The Roast of David Hasselhoff

Gilbert Gottfried - Lisa Lampanelli's Trouble

www.comedycentral.com

New Whitney Cummings Special

Jokes

The Comedy Awards

So, for the three people out there following Gilbert's tweets, he's sorry he offended you. For the rest of us, there's the Hottest Mess Tournament.

Play-In Winner: Gilbert Gottfried

Gottfried wins the right to take on the number-one seed for the men: Charlie Sheen! (We thought about making him do play-by-play for the tournament, but he was an obvious number-one seed) The other bracket features Libyan president Moammar Gadhafi (competing by proxy from his bomb shelter) taking on "actor" David Arquette. So, here's the bracket for this year's tournament:

Start your pools now!...just don't let Snooki near the water. I don't have THAT much chlorine.

-B-

Fuck Me, I'm Irish

2011-03-13T05:52:00.004-04:00

Just wait a few days and you'll see THAT on a t-shirt.

Hey, thanks for joining us again here at Thinking Hard. Charlie Sheen could NOT join us today because he's too busy off battling the wizards that sparked the devastating earthquake and tsunami in Japan. In all seriousness, my heart goes out to the survivors and families of the victims of Friday's 8.9 earthquake. I watched a lot of the live video feeds from Japan's TV stations and it was horrific to watch a tidal wave of water rush over the countryside, destroying everything in its path, while tiny cars did their damnedest to try to outrun the water. I hope nothing like that ever happens near me or my family.

All right, enough seriousness...today's a day we salute Media Behaving Badly. For starters, Chrysler made the mistake of giving its social media agency the password for its Twitter feed. Yeah, I know that sounds ridiculous, but stay with me...an employee of the agency hopped on Chrysler's Twitter feed this week and posted the following:

I find it ironic that Detroit is known as the #motorcity and yet no one here knows how to fucking drive.

No matter HOW MUCH you might agree with that, you just can't do that online. Same with posted home sex videos...that shit stays online FOREVER. Chrysler went ahead and fired that particular agency, which is now working on a "Don't Tweet & Drive" ad campaign.

How about the anchors that forget they're wearing a microphone? You know the cardinal rule: Don't say ANYTHING with a mic on you that you don't want heard because you NEVER know when your mic's on. Case in point: a Philadelphia sports radio personality was on WTXF this week, talking briefly on-air with an anchor about a story. Then the camera went to the other anchor to look ahead at other stories. Listen CLOSELY (read: turn up the volume on your computer because this audio's very low) to the two points that sports radio guy could be heard on-air:

Okay, now turn your volume back down. The radio guy apologized later. But we viewers are still left wondering about the big story: WHAT bullshit happens all the time??

Better yet, let's combine social media with people on TV. This guy from WXIA in Atlanta offered a somewhat scathing look at his own station's coverage of severe weather this week:

Granted, we in journalism are pretty jaded and think rain is rain, big whoopty shit. But to go ON RECORD and call it "performance art" takes some SERIOUS balls.

Of course, that's NOTHING compared to what happened on Fox last weekend. During the animated sitcom "Bob's Burgers," the show went to commercial on a joke that suggested the meat in the aforementioned "Burgers" was actually people. The first ad that ran IMMEDIATELY after? Taco Bell defending its "mystery meat." While not a DIRECT link, it does explain all those reports of people finding thumbs in their fast food meals. Next, Taco Bell will unveil its new entree, "Soylent Green Stuffed Burrito." (it's an old sci-fi joke...look it up)

But let's be honest. Fox isn't about "entertainment." It's about "news." Like getting to the HEART of the issue with the Wisconsin teachers vs. the government:

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart

Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c

Crisis in Dairyland - Tape Residue

www.thedailyshow.com

Daily Show Full Episodes

Political Humor & Satire Blog

The Daily Show on Facebook

Oh, quickly, want to give a shout-out to the writers at Saturday Night Live, who apparently have been following Thinking Hard's Hottest Mess Tournament the past THREE YEARS. This was the open to the show last night. (I tried posting the video, but there was an error on NBC's side of things, so I just tossed in the link) Thanks for watching, SNL writers...I'll be suing you shortly.

-B-

This Week, We Have A Guest Blogger!

2011-03-06T05:51:00.002-05:00

Welcome to this very special installment of Thinking Hard. This is simply a HUGE day! We have a guest blogger today, and I don't want to waste any more time getting to him. You know him from some insane TV interviews this week, and he'll soon be co-starring with Libyan president Moammar Gadhafi in a buddy-cop flick called "He Said WHUH?" Please welcome....CHARLIE SHEEN!...

Hey, what's up? This is a pretty gnarly office...I could probably fit 2...maybe 3 hookers in here...

Ahem...Mr. Sheen, it's great to have you here, but would you mind getting on with the blog, please?

Dude, chill, stop acting like such a troll. Yeah, okay, let's get this over with so I can go serve my time on "Drugged Out with the Stars?" Heh heh, you see what I did there? I added a question mark after the word "stars" because there's NO way those talentless hacks have a THIMBLEFUL of the mojo I have going. I mean, come on, look at the line-up...Sugar Ray Leonard is so punch drunk, after the judges give their scores, he'll say "Wow, I feel real sorry for that Sugar Ray guy. I should send him some of my albums...that I don't remember recording..." HA HA! You see that? I just knocked out a boxing champion with my WORDS, man. Beat that! And that Wendy Williams chick...she's the only TV interview I turned DOWN because, hey, that chick is NUTS. Though she DOES have bigger breasts than my pornstar girlfriend...maybe I'll call up my service and have her delivered to my room tonight...ha ha, winning. And don't even get me STARTED on that Karate Kid guy, Ralph Macchio...I'll take the "Macho" out of his last name just by LOOKING at him. They'll have to call him Ralph Ci. He's scared of me. I can see it in his eyes because I have this thing I do where I can see someone's aura and soul and find out exactly what they think of me. In fact, it's the ONLY thing I can see in their aura and soul...because I'm all that matters. And Kirstie Alley? I'm fine with her...as long as she's not on top. I can handle a LOT, but even my TIGER BLOOD isn't strong enough for that.

Hey, former "Dancing" contestant Bristol Palin (I'm sure I know her from somewhere...OH YES! MALIBU EARLY 2008! I asked her if it was cool that I didn't use a condom. She said she was cool it with because she's indestructible like me. Hot chick. Wonder whatever happened to her...) is jumping on the "What Charlie Sheen's About To Do" bandwagon and writing a book! She's calling it "Not Afraid of Life." Although, as I recall, she WAS afraid of math, science, history...you know, all the crap you're told in school that you'll eventually need, but you don't. She's totally winning. I think I'm going to call my book "Not Afraid of Anything...including Life, just like that Palin girl."

While we're talking about teachers, did you see all those pansy-ass teachers complaining about their paychecks in Wisconsin?

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Man, that governor dude is a troll to deny those teachers their money. He's a stupid, stupid little man and a p**sy punk that I'd never want to be like. He and my damn producer on "Two and a Half Men" should get together and talk about how they WISH their lives were as awesome as mine. I'll take a piss on them from my private jet flying at 37,000 feet over their crappy little 5-bedroom homes. Then I'll snort cocaine off a stripper...now THAT's a Mile-HIGH Club.

You know who else I have problems with? These people:

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No, not the church people (although they're a bunch of assholes). No, not BYU (although, hey kid, if that sports thing doesn't work out for you, let's do a sitcom together). No, I'm talking about the "Supreme" Court. Those guys are FULL of themselves to think THEY'RE "Supreme." I had a pizza last night that was more "supreme" than those jagoffs.

Hey, I found out my "Home Away From Home", the Playboy Mansion, has this major disease running through it. Imagine my relief when I found out it was just Legionnaires' Disease and not something SERIOUS like HIV or Hep C...though, with MY tiger blood, it wouldn't bother me at all. Hell, I'd f**k that monkey in Outbreak and I wouldn't have to worry about catching anything at all. That's just how awesome I am.

Oop, I'm being told it's time for me to go do my interview with the morning announcements kid at PS 22 in New York City. Man, I'm sure I'll be such a thrill for them...it's not like they've done anything exciting recently, like sing at the Oscars. Hey, you need me to pee in a cup before I go? No? Okay, rad. Oh, and here's a cat doing weird shit to close the show...

-B-

Remember, You Can't Have The Flu Without An F-U

2011-02-27T06:07:00.002-05:00

So I broke down this week and set up a Twitter account for work. I don't post, only follow the major news sources (CNN, ABC, etc.) so I don't miss out on any breaking news. My boss convinced me it'd be a good idea. It's not. First, I don't post, so don't try to find and follow me. Second, I had two followers within my first 24 hours of signing up...again, I don't post, so don't try to find and follow me. Apologies to "100 Black Men" for the block. Third, CNN was showing some a major traffic pile-up in St. Louis this week (live, of course) because of slick roads. SIX HOURS after they put the shot up, they ran the tweet "20 car pile-up in St. Louis LIVE"...and as soon as that tweet posted, CNN shut down the shot. Twitter fail. On every level, Twitter fail.

Before I lose track of where I am, welcome back to Thinking Hard. It's been a rather odd week. Not the least of which is finding out a potential reason Borders is failing. I went in Friday to buy a book that's listed as "likely in store" on the store website. When I asked a store clerk where to find it, he said they'd only received one copy of it...and a store employee had CHECKED IT OUT! LIKE IN A LIBRARY! Look, if I can't sit down and read the whole book in the aisles without buying the book, your employees shouldn't be able to either. Give them a discount, but don't take an item for sale out of the store. I'm aware that GameStop (video game store) employees enjoy a similar luxury. I'm also not cool with that.

My rant continues...with a healthy Sheen to it. Yes, in case you haven't been following the headlines in the last few days, Charlie Sheen has forced the shutdown of his own CBS show, "Two and a Half Men." Jon Cryer's gotta be slapping himself in the forehead, thinking "WHY? WHY did I believe my agent when he said a TV show with Charlie Sheen would be a good career move? I'd rather go shoot a sequel to a Molly Ringwald movie! Any of them!" So Sheen called into a radio show this week and badmouthed the producer of the show. AND made himself look insane. Check out part of the ranting letter that TMZ got a hold of from Sheen:

I fire back once and this contaminated little maggot can’t handle my power and can’t handle the truth. I wish him nothing but pain in his silly travels, especially if they wind up in my octagon. Clearly I have defeated this earthworm with my words – imagine what I would have done with my fire breathing fists.

Then, as if he hadn't done enough, he went off on the PRESIDENT OF CBS on Friday. Man, when Sheen goes down, he goes down in a blaze of glory. Oh, and he recently told Lindsay Lohan to amp it down. Yes, THAT Charlie Sheen, in the same breath as his fire-breathing insanity, told Lindsay Lohan to bring it down a few notches. Can I get an order of self-awareness at Table 2 1/2 please???

While I'm on the subject of insanity, how about what happened on NBC's Today show this week? While the anchors were outside setting up the stories of the next half-hour, some lunatic hopped the barrier and claimed he was God's gift to music. What's even MORE insane was Ann Curry's response from INDOORS:

Yes, Ann Curry, you jumped in and saved the show. You're a hero...if for a moment the word "hero" means "dolt."

Also in the category of "Insane People On TV," some jackass in Oklahoma tried to steal from a hardware store this week...and he would've gotten away with it too, if it weren't for the meddling CHAINSAW he tried to shove in his SHORTS! You know you're a dangerous criminal when employees who see you in the store say (I shit you not) "I felt sorry for him, I thought the gentleman was crippled." I didn't figure out if that person meant MENTALLY or PHYSICALLY crippled.

Let's not kid ourselves, though...there are some REALLY stupid people out there (mostly living in the mountains of North Carolina). Take the parents of a teenage student in Florida. This week, they took what they saw as a final resort to get their son to learn...humiliated him. They made him stand on the street with a sign that read "GPA 1.22 ... honk if I need education" for several hours. If I may pose a suggestion: wouldn't that time have been better spent STUDYING????

Has the world gone INSANE??? If only there was something to calm me down...

Ahhhh, that's the stuff. March Madness is coming...
-B-

I, For One, Would Like To Welcome Our Computer Overlords

2011-02-20T06:48:00.004-05:00

More on Watson, the IBM computer, kicking the tar out of two Jeopardy champions in a moment. First, let's start Thinking Hard right with congratulations to one-half of the "My Two Dads" of this blog. After spending a few years in Peru, Andy has returned to the States...and has been hired back into the TV news producer fold! Some might think he's crazy for getting BACK into TV, but once the bug hits you, you're infected for life. So, congratulations Andy! You can still go read of his exploits from his time in Peru (and some absolutely breathtaking photos) under "Gringo in Peru" in our "Friends of the Show."

I also want to address something serious. More than a week ago, crowds of egyptians celebrated the downfall of Hosni Mubarak. Many TV networks sent reporters to cover the crowds and, as is part of the job, those reporters and their crews went right in the thick of the mobs. CBS reporter Lara Logan might not have such great memories of the historic day, however. It came out this week that Logan became separated from her crew...and the revellers punched her and sexually assaulted her. Soldiers and egyptian women finally came to her aid, but surely not before she suffered a lot of physical and emotional trauma. Even though I sit behind a desk in a safe, windowless newsroom, I am aware of the risks that all reporters and photographers face any time they're sent into the field to cover a story. They're usually just "this close" from become part of the story. And on the national and international level, many reporters seem to defy death or serious injury as they earn their sometimes-paltry TV salaries. Other reporters have not been so lucky to survive. For every Lara Logan or Bob Woodruff, there are countless other reporters, writers, photographers...all embedded in the danger zone with a constant concern for personal safety. Daniel Pearl is one of the most notable cases in recent history...he was a bureau chief for the Wall Street Journal and was kidnapped and killed by al-Qaeda following 9/11. To Ms. Logan and the other reporters who put their lives in the line of fire for the sake of free press and information...please be careful out there.

While protests against tyrannical leaders grip the world, some people are focusing on a different "travesty"...Justin Bieber's loss at the Grammys. Wait, WHAT? Surely I'm not reading this correctly...I'm being told I AM reading this correctly. It turns out "The Beeb" lost the Best New Artist Grammy last week to jazz singer Esperanza Spalding. Instead of taking the loss in stride, The Beeb's young (and stupid, stupid) fans took to the internet. Nope, not Facebook. Also, not Twitter. They went into Spalding's Wikipedia page and made notes in the entry that she won the award "by stealing it from Justin Bieber." Another person edited the entry to say "GO DIE IN A HOLE…WHO THE HECK ARE YOU ANYWAY?" Little harsh, don't you think? I mean, the Bieber bio-flick "Never Say Never" also came in second place last weekend to Adam Sandler's latest drivel. But you don't see the fans going after Adam Sandler, whose "talent" as of late is a bit questionable ("Grown-Ups," anyone?). Hell, Eminem lost a major Grammy to country group Lady Antebellum, but you don't see HIS fans calling for the band to go Ante-belly-up! And these are EMINEM FANS we're talking about! I'm GIVING EMINEM'S FANS CREDIT FOR NOT GIVING OUT DEATH THREATS, UNLIKE A BUNCH OF GIRLS WHO HAVE FEWER DADDY ISSUES THAN EMINEM HAS MOMMY ISSUES! Oh my God, get a hobby! So, in a moment of "Go Fuck Yourselves, Bieber Fans," here's a look at the Best New Artist of 2010...performing at the WHITE HOUSE...

While I'm on the subject of singers that need to be removed from the human race, Billy Ray Cyrus went all Igor this week, saying The Dr. Frankenstein..er, DISNEY Channel created a monster by signing his daughter (what's her name again?) to star in "Hannah Montana." He says the show destroyed his family. And that's saying something, coming from the guy who's best known (and ONLY known) for "Achy Breaky Heart."

As I'm thinking about monsters, check this out...a couple kayaking in a lake in Britain (not Loch Ness) was out kayaking and spotted what some say is the "cousin" of the Loch Ness Monster. It's one of the best pictures of the creature to date. Check it (it's the bumpy thing in the bottom right hand corner)...

One scientists believes it's just a larger-than-average catfish. Could be...catch it, feed a starving third-world nation.

Hey, Alvin Greene lost ANOTHER political race in South Carolina this week. He got 36 votes...or one-percent. Someday, someone will hear "Jim DeMint started the recession" and think "This guy should tour with Waka Flocka."

A sad week for book lovers...Borders declared bankruptcy. It's going to close about 200 stores. "Dear Borders, perhaps you wouldn't have to close if you didn't sell books that were misprinted right on the front cover...like this Batman graphic novel I bought this week. Can you pick out what word is missing?..."

Seriously, DC comics! You're in charge of TWO things...pictures and words! And you can't get WORDS right??? Least of all, you apparently have something against the word "of"!!! Well, DC, let me put this to you in terms you can understand: G- -uck yourselves. And can I put the next Batman book on reserve? Thanks.

Maybe a computer would have caught the error...like Watson, the genius, Jeopardy-winning computer:

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Watson's pretty smart, with the exception of answering "Toronto" in a Final Jeopardy question about "U.S. Cities."

But technology can do some pretty amazing things. Take New York, for example. There's now an app that can help people find the nearest five venues to find free condoms in the city as part of a safe-sex campaign. Researchers are now working on an app that can help people find hookers within a three-block radius, with filters for price, role-playing, STDs (and the probability of contracting them)...and whether they have a little "surprise" in the front of their pants (if you're into that).

And now, another moment with "Simon's Cat"...

In today's moment with "Blaine's Cat," Blaine finds a crusty and crystallized section of cat piss in his coat closet. There will be no more moments with "Blaine's Cat."

Finally, I wanted to share with you all what I did last night. I went to a performance of "Video Games Live." A video game composer travels the nation and has local orchestras and choirs perform some of the most popular video game music ever. I can sense you pulling away from me, so here's a little taste...from "The Legend of Zelda":

Epic.
-B-

(Special director's commentary for today's blog:
"What?? Internet Explorer's CRASHING?? I must have too much video in. Dammit. I really wanted to show the reporter getting tased and the anchor laughing on-air at 'Crusty Buttocks.' Actually, now that I think of it, if I want to see anchors acting like retards, I'll watch my own show."
"Oh, but I REALLY wanted Eminem dropping the f-bomb at the Grammys! Ah well, I'm sure he'll do it again."
"Why is SIMON'S CAT taking forever to load on YouTube??? It's not even that much animation!!! And what's that smell? Smells like cat pee...")

Introducing Our New Intern...Intern Hosni

2011-02-13T07:28:00.002-05:00

We here at Thinking Hard would like to welcome our newest intern. We asked for his resume, but he scoffed at us and walked right into the manager's office. We haven't gotten him to move since. He keeps thanking us for the support we're giving him...but we're actually telling him to leave. Perhaps there's a language barrier. We also can't ascertain what his prior position was...we'd like to call his previous employer to see if this is an ongoing problem. But regardless, welcome Intern Hosni. He's also spent the last several hours telling us how awesome things have been in Egypt for the past 30 years. We're working to translate "Dude, we don't care" into his native tongue.

A quick update from last week's Blog-a-palooza...remember the anchor from KPRC, Owen Conflenti, who was caught only on HD sticking his middle finger up at someone in the studio? He gave a brief apology to the Houston Chronicle, saying "I’m sorry to everyone for my offensive gesture on television last week. My actions were careless and unprofessional. I can assure my viewers it will never happen again.” He went on to say "What's HD again?" Seriously, I'm glad an anchor in a large market can humble himself and admit when he's done something that makes him look like a huge boob on live TV instead of trying to blame it on some producer. I wonder if he's looking for a job in Charlotte...

And now, a new segment on Thinking Hard...Simon's Cat. Intern Holly was kind enough to show us a selection of animated shorts on YouTube that are simple and humorous...especially for people who own cats. For those of you who don't, you might find this cute. You might also appreciate the simplistic animation style. Or you might not care at all...which breaks Intern Holly's heart. And is that something you REALLY want to do so close to Valentine's Day??? You monster!...

Live well.
-B-

Don't They Know The Cameras Are Rolling???

2011-02-06T06:41:00.007-05:00

Y'know, for as many stupid people I see waving at cameras at breaking news stories or even behind the set of the unnecessary fourth hour of NBC's Today show, I'm CONTINUOUSLY amazed by the number of people who KNOW there's a camera there and yet seem oblivious to the fact that it's turned on. Now, don't get me wrong... there are some errors, flubs, etc. that never make it to the airwaves, thanks to the watchful eyes of producers and directors (you all know you're awesome) who stop things like "Super Bowel" from appearing on the screen. But there are always OTHERS who don't seem to catch themselves. This blog is dedicated to them.

Let's start in Chicago, where there's a big race for mayor underway. When I say Rahm Emanuel is in the running and there have been some rather...um..."colorful" comments in the campaign, you might assume I'm referring to Rahm. No. I'm not even referring to the MEN in the race...are you ready for a CATFIGHT:

Hm...a crackwhore for mayor. I can get behind that idea. Speaking of white stuff and mudslinging, did you know there was a huge-ass winter storm across a good chunk of the nation this week? For the first time in twelve years, it was bad enough to force Chicago to close its schools! TWELVE YEARS! Compared to the mountain counties in North Carolina, those kids have already earned TWO Ph.D.s! In fact, here's a NASA satellite look at the storm:

Pretty cool, right? If you're not meteorologically (that's such a hard word for anchors to say!) inclined, Intern James was able to find this dumbed-down version of the storm:

So obviously it sucks being a reporter or meteorologist having to go outside and do their jobs and cover this storm. That's a job that has certain drawbacks:

To be fair, he wasn't so upset about the salty spray as he was about not getting a courtesy tap on the top of his head. But at least he knew he was ON AIR. Not like the school superintendent in New England:

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Who doesn't love a good F-bomb on live TV?

Then there are the situations when graphics are CLEARLY wrong. Take this shot from The Daily Show this week. I'm going on record that I LOVE Jon Stewart and the crew at the show. They do endless hours of fact-checking, but something about this clip from CNN's most recent New Year's Eve coverage seems...off. Take a close look at the date listed in the upper left hand corner:

3...2...1...Happy New Month! Or how about this shot from the new Cartoon Network/DC Comics series "Young Justice." Obviously, Cartoon Network has basically said "Fuck It" to offering anything instructional:

A quick check on Google will tell you the word is CARIBBEAN...1 R, 2 Bs. Not the other way around. But hey, if you THINK it's right, it MUST be. Y'know, with mistakes like that on children's TV, it's no wonder kids are playing video games and not paying attention which train they're falling in front of:

That happened in Milan, Italy, this week. Good thing that the off-duty policeman was able to jump in and grab the boy before anything happened to him.

I want to take a moment and go back to The Daily Show. They did great coverage of a woman who always LOOKS like she knows the camera's on...but never quite SOUNDS like it:

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Besides, she can see Russia from her backyard. She communicates with her handlers using flashlight-morse code...and even the RUSSIANS think she sounds like an idiot.

One more hit today...and it has to do with anchors adapting to the "new" high-definition technology. You might recall the old days of standard-def, when you could only see a small portion of TV...then high-def came along and expanded the left and right sides of the screen to show more content. Somebody should draw the lines on the set for THIS guy...this one's just for you HD viewers!:

(Funny story...the TV station pulled all remnants of the video version of this off YouTube, but didn't get a hold of still pictures on smaller websites...like Thinking Hard. Some days, it PAYS to be the little guy.)

Keep it classy!
-B-

Let's Make This Quick..."Skins" Is On

2011-01-30T05:54:00.004-05:00

Today's Thinking Hard is brought to you by THIS guy:

That's the FORMER Fox Charlotte guy who got knocked down by his producer last week. Since the last installment of Thinking Hard, both he and the producer have been charged with a misdemeanor AND both have been canned. I side with the producer, but I understand the company had to let both guys go. You can't have that resentment festering in a newsroom. However, if I may speak for a moment to the bosses over at Fox...next time, make sure you have warm bodies to step in when you fire your on-air "talent." At the printing of this post, the station had THREE news-readers on its morning show...and only ONE ANCHOR for all seven days of its evening broadcasts. Now THAT'S must-see TV.

Also, a quick note from a TV station in Hartford, Connecticut, and a cautionary tale about viral petitions gone wrong... WTNH decided not to renew the contract of its veteran meteorologist, who had worked at the station for 26 years. They were going to let him ride out the rest of his contract and work through the end of February. So, 10,000+ people signed a Facebook petition to keep him on the air. The station's response? Managers decided to let him go EARLIER! They said they didn't want all the attention that the Facebook petition had wraught. Ah, social media...is there no career you can't end?

Hey, the Super Bowl is set. The Green Bay Packers are in the big game, as well as THIS team:

That's from the CBS station in Louisville, KY. I miss Louisville. Anyway, so the Pack will be concentrating on stopping the Jews at the Super Bowl...er, wait, no, that's not right. Well, it's gonna be a "Heil" of a game...um, no...can I get a better writer in here? This dude looks like Hitler.

You know, this is a perfect moment for Jon Stewart to step in...

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Of course, Fox HAS to have the last word...or at least it TRIED to...

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And while we're on the subject of Fox News, it reminds me that the Hottest Mess Tournament is coming up. And that reminds me of one of the tournament favorites over the past couple of years, Sarah "Don't Test Me...I'm Just Crazy Enough To Run For President In 2012!" Palin. For as much as I rip on the Tea Party for supporting her, it's nice to see she's getting some mainstream attention again. Take it away, "30 Rock's" Tracy Morgan:

Can't tell if Palin was flattered or not, but I think I just found a reason to start a MEN'S bracket this year...

FREE EGYPT! AND PESHAWAR!

-B-

Apparently "Dump" Is An Offensive Word

2011-01-23T06:07:00.003-05:00

Hey, welcome back to the blog. We've been following a major news story this week...check that: a major newsROOM story. A douche-y local Fox anchor got KNOCKED THE FUCK OUT by a producer in their newsroom this week. Apparently, the anchor had been telling the management about things the producer was writing about the management on his Facebook page. When confronted, the anchor stood his ground and pulled the glasses off the producer's face...then hilarity ensued as that producer KICKED THE SHIT OUT OF THE ANCHOR IN THE NEWSROOM! The anchor claims he got a nose injury by tripping over a desk during the fight and that he and the producer are "buddies again." Riiiight. You guys can relive your good times together in the unemployment line. Why is it there are so many anchors who feel they have to brown-nose so much? Seriously. The postings on the Facebook page were just frustrated rants and saying "Hey, do you know what this guy's been writing about you on a Facebook page that no one else gives a shit about" to the management is just a dick move. And while the producer probably shouldn't have hit the anchor (maybe...possibly...okay, he SHOULD HAVE FUCKING LEVELED HIM), I'm pretty sure that anchor had it coming and that no one felt sorry for him. So, remember kids, be careful who you "friend" on Facebook and be careful of what you put on the internet. The open spaces of the world wide web probably aren't the safest spots to write about managers who think "Everybody Poops" but not everyone can "take a dump."

Speaking of shitty jobs, did anyone catch last weekend's Miss America "pageant"? Yeah, me neither. But you know the pageant's question-and-answer competition is GREAT for soundbites every year. Here's what this year's winner, Miss Nebraska Teresa Scanlan, responded when, in a question regarding WikiLeaks, she was asked how to balance the public's right to know with the need for government security:

"You know, when it came to that situation, it was actually based on espionage, and when it comes to the security of our nation, we have to focus on security first, and then people's right to know. Because it's so important that everyone in our borders is safe, and so we can't let things like that happen, and they must be handled properly, and I think that was the case."

Y'know, I think that actually would have had MORE of a point if she started talking about teaching and using "maps and such" in third-world countries.

Check THIS out...talk show host and Slim Jim fanatic (but only if it's charred with a cigarette lighter) Wendy Williams is going to host a "game show" on Game Show Network. It's called "Love Triangle" and it'll focus on one person using a lie detector to decide between two relationships. Dear Wendy...When describing an ACTUAL triangle, please remember it's a figure that has THREE SIDES. Seriously, Game Show Network, what the hell are you doing? This is as terrible a "game show" idea as that ridiculous show "Baggage" with Jerry Springer, where contestants would check out some single people with suitcases that reveal some emotional baggage they have. I like to think of it as "Deal-breaker or No Deal-breaker." But come ON, GSN! You are just one Valerie Bertinelli TV movie away from being the fourth Lifetime channel.

Oh, hey, breaking news! We just got home video in of the fight in the Fox newsroom! Here, we'll all watch it together for the first time:

Wait, no, I'm being told that's just home video of a guy playing the new motion-controller Kinect for the Xbox 360. The difference between the cat and the Fox anchor? None. They're both p***ies.

-B-

Television Viewers Are Dumb

2011-01-16T08:06:00.005-05:00

Let me rephrase that...the television viewers who think their opinion will impact what is shown on TV are dumb. Let's start at the top...this week, my area was bitch-slapped by Mother Nature like Snooki's mom should have slapped her. Snow...turning to freezing rain...turning to dangerously icy streets that STILL aren't completely clear almost a week later. Monday's news coverage? SnOMG storm coverage. Little else. This is the one time when I think the balls-to-the-wall storm tracker 8000 coverage was warranted, and I'm a tough sell. So you can imagine my surprise when a viewer sent an email complaining that there was too much snow coverage on and nothing about last weekend's shooting in Tucson that "involved an assassination attempt on a U.S. Representative." Um, two things...one, take a look outside your window. Which story impacts YOU DIRECTLY that morning? Two, I can't help but notice your email completely absent of a mention of anyone DYING in the shootings, including a NINE-YEAR-OLD GIRL BORN ON 9-11!!! Oh, you just happened to forget that? You're a fucking idiot. So are the bulk of the people who complain just to be an asshole. Perhaps my opinion could be better summed up by an anchor who's been on the air for years in Phoenix, Arizona (you know...Arizona...the state where the shootings actually happened). KPNX kept breaking into network programming to bring live, local updates on the shooting. Here's the problem: "network programming" just happened to be "football playoffs." So you KNOW a bunch of (sometimes drunken) assholes called into the KPNX newsroom to politely request that the station perhaps shorten the important coverage, possibly even being more strategic about when to potentially break in with the very-important news. I believe the calls went like this: "You *********s, I'm watchin' the ****** game! **** you!" So give it up to anchor Mark Curtis, who posted THIS on his Facebook page:

I love football as much as anybody. For goodness sakes I was a sportscaster for 25 years… but for people to call and bitch about coverage of todays shooting in Tucson interrupting their halftime hilites drives me CRAZY! 18 people were shot today including a U.S Congresswoman…and 6 were killed including a 9 year old…

Hells yes! It's those same fuckers who call upset that tornado coverage is keeping them from watching "Dancing with the B-listers." People...PRIORITIES!!! Get them straight!!! How important IS that touchdown versus having an actual idea about what's going on in the world around you? No wonder people think Sarah Palin's brilliant! They're not even WATCHING the news!

Although, to be fair, news coverage isn't entirely without its faults. Check out this awkwardly-worded headline from the Boston Herald website this week:

Wait, did the ax attack cause the son to "split"? I have a very bizarre mental image in my head.

I'll toss in one more and end my rant...for now. This is video of a Seattle TV station doing its early morning "stormcam" coverage of a winter storm. Traffic's light this time of morning...which is probably a good thing, considering the traffic sign that shows up when the truck turns onto a side street at about the :24 mark:

Did you see it? Here's what that sign says:

I'd use the word "fail" if it hadn't been banished.

-B-

Alcohol: Making People Crazier Since 325 A.D.

2011-01-09T05:17:00.002-05:00

Please read today's blog as though you're hearing it from a homeless guy with a great voice but WEIRD Blacula-style hair. I hope all of his new offers also come with a dental plan.

Hey, welcome back to Thinking Hard, where drinking is key...except for Paula Abdul. You might remember her as the crazy, drunk/drugged-out judge of America Idol for several seasons. Now she's judging her own dance show. During an interview promoting the show, she said she's never been drunk or on drugs. Paula, a word of caution: just because you don't REMEMBER those moments doesn't mean they didn't happen. I'm sure your buddies Simon Cowell or Randy Jackson will be happy to replay some American Idol clips where you were either REALLY happy about some of that singing or...

I would be remiss if I didn't at least mention the big national story that occured in the past 24 hours. Some lunatic in his early 20s took a gun to a political event in Tucson, Arizona, yesterday and opened fire. He killed at least six people, including a 9-year-old child who was born on (wait for it) September 11, 2001. He also shot a congresswoman in the head, but she's recovering. Investigators are looking into reports that the suspect was talking about inventing a new type of currency and complaining about the illiteracy rate in Arizona. People who knew him described him as a pot-smoking loner and he tried to enlist in the military, but was not successful...for undisclosed reasons. Now the debate begins about all the high emotions in the current state of politics. Elected officials are getting more threats of violence and death than before. And while I'd like to partly blame Sarah Palin for her strong push of the "Joe Six-Pack" Tea Party Movement to get EVERYONE with an opinion (and, perhaps, a gun) involved in politics, I just can't do it. Sure, all of what I just pointed to is true. However, I don't really believe that's what happened here. This guy wanted to be heard and clearly had some mental issues that allowed him to think violence was the answer. And again, while I believe that describes about 75% of the Tea Party, I believe most of those people have enough common sense NOT to just show up at an event and start shooting, especially if one of those victims is a NINE-YEAR-OLD CHILD! Many in the Tea Party have children or have relatives with children and would have the common decency not to shoot one (on purpose, anyway. Maybe an accident involving loading a shotgun, but not on purpose). This was just a guy who went off the rails. A guy with mental issues, probably not the least of which includes paranoid schizophrenia or multiple personality disorder. Do I think the political debate has gotten a little out of hand, thanks in part to Fox "News" and MSNBC? Sure. Do I believe this kid is an example of that? No. And I fully expect to write an "I'm sorry, I was wrong" blog in the next few weeks.

A complete 180-degree switch here...Snooki from Jersey Shore hired a firm to help put her name on some licensed products. So get ready for the "Snooki Weave," the "Snooki Spray-On Tan" and the "Snooki 'Too Much Smooshing' Home STD Test."

Hey, do you know a small child? One who got several presents for Christmas? This guy's 3-year-old son apparently loves books...he and his parents have special reading time before bed. But he doesn't love books ENOUGH on a day when kids open a shitload of brand-new toys and video games:

After the video was shot, this boy's parents apparently straightened him out on "How to pretend you like everything you open"...and Daddy plans to wrap more books for him next year. We at Thinking Hard will eagerly await that video.

Hey, sports fans...anyone who's ever watched a hockey game live knows the joy and dismay that comes when a player shoots a puck at the goal, only to hit the piping of the goal and bounce off with that metallic "Ting!" running through the arena. I'm not sure if this "Ting!" would make me impressed if I took the shot:

Though I guess that's not as bad a day on the job as THIS guy. He's a news photographer in North Carolina and was sent out to get some video of a home where a guy had been accused of mistreating horses on his property. And apparently, you're only allowed on the guy's property if you're mistreating horses...and don't have a camera:

Now I bet THAT guy thinks books are poo.
-B-

Bring It On, 2011!

2011-01-02T06:43:00.002-05:00

Happy New Year from all of us (me) here at Thinking Hard! And we start the new year with a new Friend of the Show. She lives in Washington, DC, and writes a blog about the science(ish) of being single. It's quite an entertaining blog and great for people of both genders to read, especially those starting 2011 on the single side of things. Remember: being single means having to deal with one fewer schedule.

I'm REALLY going to be excited about South Carolina politics in 2011. Remember Alvin Greene? You know, the guy who wanted to make action figures out of himself and held a memorable interview with MSNBC, answering every question (including one about where he got the nickname "Turtle") with "Jim DeMint started the recession"? He was only one of about 12 people to show up at his not-really-gonna-happen-victory party on election night. Anywho, he's trying it AGAIN! He'll be running in a special primary in February (with the winner advancing to an election in April) for a South Carolina House seat, left vacant by the death of the previous representative. Hey, if Alvin Greene is suited for ANYTHING, it's to run in a SPECIAL election. At last word, he was watching the news in his parent's basement, waiting to hear the name of his opponent so he could blame the recession on them. Good luck, Alvin!

Ever been to an "adult bookstore" (read: porn store) and thought to yourself "Wow, I wish I could just have a little more privacy because that creepy guy on the next aisle keeps giving me this look..."? Then Huntsville, Alabama, has the solution for you: a DRIVE-THRU PORN STORE. Works just like a McDonald's, except you DEFINITELY want to hold the "special sauce" on that Big Mac.

Hey, because it's the new year, Michigan's Lake Superior State University has released 2011's list of banished words and phrases for misuse, overuse or general stupidity. Couple of shout-outs to Sarah Palin: "refudiate" and "momma grizzlies." No more BFFs. And don't even THINK about using the nouns "Facebook" and "Google" as verbs. Also, kindly remove "viral," "epic," and "fail" from your lexicon.

And while we're at it, here's a 10-minute viral video of some of the best fails of 2010, thanks to James Hartsell. I don't know that I'd call any of these "epic"...but, spoiler alert: most of them involve motorized vehicles...or a stripper pole...or Justin Beiber...

Happy new year...here's hoping 2011 is a little SAFER than 2010. Or not.
-B-

United Airlines STILL HAS MY BAGGAGE!!!

2010-12-27T08:00:00.003-05:00

Greetings and welcome to the post-holiday hangover here at Thinking Hard. We've all been hitting the egg nog pretty heavily after trips to visit family and friends for Christmas. Three of us have decided to take up recreational alcoholism to survive NEXT Christmas.

Well, for those of you who DON'T have a window or don't live on the eastern seaboard, the east coast of the US got SLAMMED with snow, making for a white Christmas in many spots (how sweet)...and making for many, MANY stranded travelers throughout (not quite as sweet). Seriously, I got home yesterday to North Carolina from Chicago and I barely recognized the place. Now the snow's over and all the melting can begin...and refreezing...and melting...and refreezing...ah, I love winter, especially in a state that's apparently not equipped to handle it.

My baggage from my flight home yesterday? Still MIA. The delivery service was supposed to call me last night between 6:30 and 10:30 to schedule a drop-off time. I went to bed at 11:15 because I got tired of waiting. It's now 8am the next day. Still no call. United customer service last night (most likely stationed somewhere in Dubai) told me the company had my bag and they were just working on getting it to me. She was very helpful...until she asked me how I would rate her service in the survey to follow the conversation. Okay, I understand wanting to track your own progress in dealing with customers, I get that. But you do NOT ask what someone is going to put into an anonymous survey! If I'd bothered to stick around for the survey, I'd have docked her a point just for that. That's like walking into a news station with a gun and asking to talk to a reporter. Yeah, they'll get RIGHT on that. Speaking of...

So usually all the crazy shit happens when I'm overworked during the holidays and my BOSS is out of town. But this time around, I was out and my boss was on duty when a woman walked into our building last week, showed security a gun (which turned out not to be loaded) and asked to speak to our consumer reporter by name. I've dealt with some of these people by phone...some nice, some just giant pains in the ass who can't make a simple phone call but want our reporter to do it for them. My heart goes out to these people who feel wronged by a big-time company (as I sit here waiting for my baggage to arrive), it really does. But I'm going to go through the United as long as I can WITHOUT DROPPING F-BOMBS ON THE PHONE (customer service tip: they will hang up on you if you drop an f-bomb on the phone), then I'll just have them pay me for what was in my luggage and be done with it. Voila. No need to get the big, bad TV involved...and no need to call and be a pain in the ass for a producer who's just trying to do his damn job. And the aforementioned armed lady could have made a couple of extra bucks by PAWNING THAT DAMN GUN!!! Oh, a TV station WILL take you seriously if you show up with a gun...so will the SWAT team that arrives shortly after. Really, people???

You know what will make me feel better? Videos. Here's some holiday cheer from SNL...and a special guest in the monologue who REALLY wanted to be there. You might remember him from Thinking Hard a few weeks ago:

Nope, that didn't do it. Maybe I need something a little more hardcore:

Hm...nope, not what I'm looking for. Perhaps a little Akon?:

Nah, that's really just "Dick in a Box"...literally. OH! I'VE GOT IT!!!!

Reminds me of watching "Cats & Dogs: The Hunt For Kitty Galore" while at home on vacation...with two pugs. If you ever want to drive two dogs (and EVERY PERSON WATCHING) crazy, just do that. Strange...they had the same reaction to seeing Sarah Palin on TV. How odd.

-B-

A Quick Shout From The Land Of "Dang!" Root Beer

2010-12-19T22:06:00.002-05:00

No joke...I have found Dang! Root Beer in the midwest on my Christmas vacation. I'll remember this the next time I make fun of the country folk in the south. Maybe.

Hey, we here at Thinking Hard would like to welcome the holiday gift of Noah Hartsell into the world. James, we're sending you earplugs and whiskey. Is it too much to hope that Noah's Christmastime arrival means he's a child of immaculate conception?

So I don't have much time since I'm on vaca, but a quick note that the Senate and House both voted to repeal the "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy in the military. Yes, I'll trade more tax cuts for the rich and less money for the already starving schools of America to allow gays in the military. Much as I appreciate Obama's imitation of Howie Mandel (I keep waiting for him to say "John Boehner...deal...or no deal?"), I really hope the deal pays off better in the long run than it looks on paper.

All right, that's enough rambling for now. I have to go deal with family. First, I need to find some Four Loko.
-B-

Happy Third Anniversary!

2010-12-12T05:12:00.004-05:00

Welcome, readers, to the third anniversary of the birth of the brainchild that is Thinking Hard! Did you send us a card? Yes, it's true. December 12, 2007, Andy and Blaine welcomed you into the home of Thinking Hard and politely asked to keep your feet off the table...MOST of you have been courteous enough to do that. Others, not so much (Sarah Palin, I'm looking in your general direction of Alaska/Russia). Anyway, in honor of our third anniversary, Intern Melissa ran in the inaugural "Thinking Hard's Running For A Cause Or A Cure Or Something Like That" Half-Marathon yesterday...wait, no, I'm being told that the race just happened to be scheduled this weekend and has nothing to do with Thinking Hard whatsoever. Man, we REALLY need to get our PR department ON that. Anyway, congrats to Melissa for rocking an amazing time of 2:04:17! Seriously, 13.1 miles in TWO MINUTES! That's FANTAST...oh, wait, sorry, I'm being told that's two hours, not minutes. But still, way to kick ass, Melissa!

Let me start today with an issue I addressed last week...federal tax cuts. So, after Congress decided not to go with extending Bush-era tax cuts last weekend, President Obama, Leader of the Free World, went to it to negotiate a deal with the GOP. And it's been quite a while since I've seen someone CAVE ON AN ISSUE SO EASILY! Seriously, Mr. President? Your argument for working out a deal to extend the tax cuts for everyone, INCLUDING WEALTHY SENATORS, is kind of a "Well, I'll agree to it, but House Speaker John Boehner and the other members of the GOP will eventually have to own up to their mistake." I like the IDEA of the justification, Mr. Obama. I LIKE the idea of telling the GOP they can fuck up anything they like, but come election time, they'll have to pay for it. However, you seem to have forgotten something: THE AMERICAN PEOPLE BLAME YOU FOR EVERYTHING! In two years, when Sarah Palin has stupidly been selected to run against you for the White House, the voters won't say "Oh, that's right, we're in a federal deficit because the GOP decided to keep spending and Mr. Obama TRIED to tell them, but eventually decided it would be a good life lesson for the GOP and, ultimately, us if the republicans were allowed to make mistakes and realize they're not perfect. I'll re-elect Obama because he's like a responsible father for the nation." No. They're going to say "Obama fucked it up!"...and in South Carolina and Texas, they'll add "Because he's black." President Obama spoke later and said "We don't negotiate with hostage-takers (referring to the GOP)...unless there's a threat of violence against the hostages (referring to the American people)." Um...wait, what??? And in other news, we DO negotiate with terrorists. Ridiculous!

*sigh* Okay, in other sad news this week, John Edwards finally killed Elizabeth Edwards. Sure he didn't do it DIRECTLY, but we all know it was the shock of seeing who it was he cheated on her with. But I have to say, I think the Associated Press tried a little too hard to bring up the bad blood on their national wires this week:

I'm pretty sure Rielle Hunter was reclining in SEVERAL of those GQ pictures. Couldn't have held off on that particular feature story for a day or two, Associated Press?

Do you text? Then I'm sure at one point or another, the auto-correct function on your phone has hosed you. You try to type "I'm hungry for a meal" and the phone mistakenly writes "I'm hungry for a male." Hilarity ensues. Well, there's a blog dedicated to these mishaps called damnyouautocorrect.com. Consider it an IMMEDIATE friend of the show.

Speaking of social networking, a new study came out recently on the number of people who use the much-maligned-by-Thinking-Hard network Twitter. The Pew Research Center found that 6% of all Americans use Twitter. In the battle of the sexes, 10% of women use Twitter, while only 7% of men do, thus proving that women think their lives are so important that other people MUST know about them. Of the races, 18% of Twitter users are hispanic, 13% black and only 5% white. And 0.0001% of those users is a TV anchor who writes every other Twitter message starting with "OH MY GWAD, YOU GUYS! WHY DON'T YOU LIKE AVATAH???"

And in other obnoxious phenomena, did you know there's a new game on the iPod/iPad based on the classic 80s cartoon "The Smurfs"? For those of you who don't remember, The Smurfs was a show about slavery, where a king of this race of little blue people (who, with perverse joy, demanded the others call him "Papa") forced his minions to work all day collecting valuable "smurfberries," while he started his own harem with the only woman of the people. They even had a "language" of sorts, though, how can you really consider it a language when the word "smurf" is used in lieu of about 90% of the english language. Anyway, there's a new game on the iPod/iPad about the lives of these slaves. It doesn't cost anything to PLAY, but you CAN buy in-game items to help make the game go faster. Which makes it a GREAT idea to hand to a 5-year-old child who knows nothing about the current rate of exchange. Well, how bad can these items really be? Let's see...a wheelbarrow...SIXTY BUCKS???? FOR A WHEELBARROW?? IN A VIDEO GAME??? What mothersmurfer thought THAT was a good idea????

Anyway, thanks for joining me for this third anniversary post. I'm heading home for the holidays this week, but I'll try to drop a blog or two while I'm there. For anyone who won't be checking in for a while, from all of us (me) at Thinking Hard, have a very blessed and joyous holiday season.

-B-

Wikileaks Called...They Won't Post My Blog Because It's Too Embarrassing

2010-12-05T05:52:00.002-05:00

Hey, do you like paying more taxes? No? Congress says: too bad. After the House of Representatives approved a bill to extend the Bush-era tax cuts for the low- and middle-class, but not the wealthy (yes, Mr. Wickersham, $250k IS considered "wealthy"...even if it's you), the Senate voted on the bill Saturday and denied it. That's despite support from 53 democrats. Look, republicans, can we have a chat?...SERIOUSLY??? You want to fuck Americans because YOU don't want to have to pay taxes on all that lobbying money you're getting in office??? Look, I knew you were corrupt and evil and greedy bastards, but even THIS is pushing it! And that just COMPOUNDS the bad news for the nation, considering the latest unemployment numbers show the highest national rate of unemployment in SEVEN MONTHS! Hey, Johnny No-Job...happy fucking holidays! Hope you didn't put any of your family's presents on that credit card because the job market just punched you in the face...and Congress kicked you in the dick while you were down! I'll be avoiding the Sunday morning news shows because all republicans are going to say is "Obama isn't doing what's right for America." Hey, republicans, you want to ingratiate yourselves with voters before your anticipated upheaval of the White House in 2012? Start by HELPING OUT THE VOTERS! I understand wanting to throw your weight around since you haven't been in control of any part of Congress for a few years, but THIS ISSUE?? REALLY??? Why not pick another issue? Like what John McCain is working on. In fact, with all the problems in Washington, let's see what life WOULD have been like if voters had picked the OTHER guy for president:

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Well, at least Palin knows how to whore herself out...and passed along that genetic trait to her daughter. Say, while we're talking about people who REALLY need to stop tweeting (Melissa, I'm glancing in YOUR direction), you all remember Kanye West, right? He's that performance artist who claims to be a singer, but just babbles things incoherently at the most inopportune times. Kinda like a black Borat. Well, he's CLEARLY not going to stay off Twitter. Fortunately, SOMEONE found a way for us to enjoy his tweets...

Just head to babelgum.com to check out more of the adorable tweets. While YOUR tweets will probably never be reenacted by children, there IS something unique you CAN do with your tweets. If you send your tweet to @TalayRobot the tweet will be sent to a robotic arm at Sony Music's London studio. An HD camera will record the arm doing its thing and a soundtrack will be added...then the tweet will be sent back to you! Looks a little something like this:

While we're on the topic of social networking, word came out this week there's a show in development based on the more recent social network, foursquare. Yes, FOURSQUARE is getting a TV show!!! Again I ask: WHERE IS THINKING HARD'S SHOW????

Finally, I received word this week that former "Walker, Texas Ranger" star Chuck Norris was made an HONORARY Texas Ranger this week! (Seriously, Texas? Too much time on your hands?) Bad guys, beware! I learned from the internets that Chuck Norris can travel through time by running 88 miles per hour. (also, if you're looking for that perfect holiday gift, www.chucknorrisfacts.com will put a Chuck Norris fact on a t-shirt and sell it to you...I wonder if I can get one with a Sarah Palin tweet on it)

-B-

Black Friday Deals On Sarah Palin Jokes

2010-11-28T05:41:00.002-05:00

I'd like to start this week's installment of Thinking Hard by saying I SURVIVED BLACK FRIDAY! At 10am Friday, I went to a Target, a Best Buy, another store and a Starbucks and finished all of my shopping by 11:15am. Seriously, the longest line I stood in had only about 5 people for 3 cashiers. I didn't even have to get trampled for my trouble. I think some crazy people enjoy the rush of shopping at 3 or 4 in the morning...when you can find the same deals at 10am. More power to you, but I don't want to have to wear a protective cup to avoid serious injury in the throng of shoppers.

So, big week for the Palin family. America FINALLY came to its senses and voted Bristol off "Dancing with the Stars," giving Dirty Dancer Jennifer Grey the win. Sarah's had a busy week too. She talked to Sean Hannity on Fox "News" about whether she'd do another interview with "Gotcha Journalist" Katie Couric. Her response (keep in mind she's talking to SEAN HANNITY of FOX NEWS):

“As for doing an interview, though, with a reporter who already has such a bias against whatever it is that I would come out and say? Why waste my time? No. I want to help clean up the state that is so sorry today of journalism. And I have a communications degree. I studied journalism, who, what, where, when, and why of reporting. I will speak to reporters who still understand that cornerstone of our democracy, that expectation that the public has for truth to be reported. And then we get to decide our own opinion based on the facts reported to us. So a journalist, a reporter who is so biased and will, no doubt, spin and gin up whatever it is that I have to say to create controversy, I swear to you, I will not my waste my time with her. Or him."

"Spin and gin up?" Anyway, I guess I can appreciate the point by Mrs. Palin as she's speaking to SEAN HANNITY of FOX NEWS about journalists not spinning the facts and just presenting the information. And I can understand Sarah's concern about Katie Couric's bias...Couric, while speaking to a VICE-PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE, believed said candidate would be well informed of world events and at least know the name of ONE WEEKLY NEWS MAGAZINE. Personally, I'm offended by Couric's lack of integrity and ethics and am going to write a stern letter to...that one magazine...with the, y'know, the writers and the pictures...they did a story recently on Iran or Iraq or Afghanistan, didn't they?...

Sarah showed how CLEARLY in the know she is on Glenn Beck's radio show this week. After a show of military force in North and South Korea, Palin offered HER opinion on the events:

Now, I'll be totally fair to Sarah here...she clearly just mis-spoke when she announced the U.S. support for NORTH Korea (or she didn't know there were TWO Koreas since she can't see THEM from her backyard). However, in listening to the first 20 or so seconds of her comments, I didn't get the sense that she had ANY idea what Beck was talking about. It kinda just sounded like "Let's support South Korea in whatever they do...even if it involves murdering children."

Palin was also a topic of discussion on "Larry King Live" without even having to be a guest. In fact, former President George H. W. Bush ("Thousand Points of Light" Bush, not "nu-cue-lar weapons" Bush) and his grandmo- er, I mean WIFE, Barbara Bush, were asked their opinion of the former VP candidate. Babs said it best:

"I sat next to her once. Thought she was beautiful. And she's very happy in Alaska, and I hope she'll stay there."

While Barbara was on a roll of saying what America thinks, she went on to ask George if he realized that people think she's his grandma and not his wife.

A tough week for "Sarah Palin's Alaska" on TLC...after a record-breaking premiere for the cable network, the second episode DROPPED 40% of its viewers. When asked about the drop in viewership, Palin replied, "I want to help clean up the state that is so sorry today of television ratings. And I have a communications degree."

Avril Lavigne did something interesting at the American Music Awards Sunday. She was describing the nominees for the alternative artist award and coined the new word "amaze-balls." Sarah Palin replied, "Oh, come ON! Why is she just making up words???"

In non-Sarah Palin news...an artist in New York is planning a new exhibit: he's had a small, flat camera implanted in the back of his head and will take still images of what's going on BEHIND him, to be put on display. In a related story, a creepy guy living near the artist had a small camera implanted in the top of his big toe and will be walking barefoot while suspiciously close to women's dressing rooms and ladies wearing skirts.

Hey, on a serious note, people who know me know I'm not always on Facebook and don't always appreciate it for what it is (though my hatred for Twitter is MUCH greater). However, I read a story this week about a brave woman who used Facebook in an emotional way. A 19-year-old woman in Argentina was at a park with her boyfriend when he started going through her text messages. He flew into a rage, accused her of betraying him and started hitting her. She reported the attack to police. She also took pictures of the injuries and posted them to Facebook saying, "Someone who claims to love you cannot do this to you. I’m uploading these pictures to give courage to other girls who have gone or are still going through what I’ve been through.” Her family didn't even know what she'd been going through. But her father, who's the president of the soccer team on which her now-ex-boyfriend played, fired the guy. Many people online have offered their support to this woman. And regardless of whether she has to see any of the strangers on Facebook face-to-face, I believe it took a lot of strength to be able to stand up in the world of social networking and say "This happened to me...and I don't want it to happen to you." The growth of social networking in the past few years has been HUGE, and quite frankly, this woman is probably reaching more people by doing this than if she limited her conversations to family and friends. It's good to see someone doing something IMPORTANT with social networks instead of offering pure drivel...like this blog. And this rather UNUSUAL push for a new guest host of Saturday Night Live:

To be fair, he can't be any worse than Scarlett Johansson. Man, that guy was terrible. Wait, what?...NOT a dude?...
-B-

If You Touch My Junk, I'll Have You Arrested

2010-11-21T08:54:00.003-05:00

Hey, you know what, Johnny Antiestablishment? You have one of three options: walk through the body scanner, get a patdown, or DON'T FUCKING FLY, YOU MORON! Personally, I'd prefer you take Option 3...because it means I'll get MY patdown sooner. In a line I wish I'd come up with this week, I wonder if TSA will start charging people who want a patdown a "baggage handling fee." Seriously, if you assholes complaining about the patdowns and body scanners (that are, mind you, in place to prevent ANOTHER 9/11 attack) have a BETTER idea that doesn't start with "just let" and end with "us through," the TSA's website is www.tsa.gov. I'm sure they'd love to hear your brilliant idea.

On another note of how americans just don't have a clue, Bristol Palin made it to the finals of "Dancing with the Stars." So, for those of you who haven't been watching this season, the finals are the chick from "Dirty Dancing," a chunky black kid whose claim to fame is being a chunky black kid on Disney Channel programming... and a chick who REALLY should have just said "No" to Levi...the daughter of a woman that the world should just say "No" to.

Speaking of Sarah Palin, her TLC reality show scored record premiere ratings for the network last week (Kate Gosselin's gonna be PIIIIISSSSSSSSED). And she told Barbara Walters she believed she could beat President Obama in 2012, which caused Walters' head to explode. Also, Ms. "Fox News, would you mind funding my 2012 presidential campaign" Palin received what I can only assume are accolades for her CREATIVE (read: awful, just plain awful) use of the English language:

Thanks, Oxford Dictionary for a notoriously bad idea: encouraging stupid people to expand the English language. And believe me, I know a lot about notoriously bad ideas. I keep having them. But nowhere NEAR as bad as the idea NBA star Tony Parker had: he's rumored to have slept with the wife of a former teammate. Don't remember Tony Parker? Here's a refresher: he married Eva Longoria. Now they're getting a divorce. And now, an open letter from Thinking Hard to Tony Parker:

Dear Tony,
REALLY?!
Love, Blaine
PS: Since you're great at having bad ideas, can you please send me your soon-to-be-ex-wife's phone number?

Hey, I went to see "Morning Glory" yesterday. Entertaining movie. I'm a big Rachel McAdams fan (read: stalker). It was fun to see how morning news was portrayed, especially the anchors who are difficult to work with. Hm...

Speaking of news, there are just some things on local news that I'll never understand HOW they make it on TV, but they entertain me nonetheless:

Well, THAT woman probably won't be out to do any Black Friday shopping this week. Ah, yes, how I love the holiday tradition of peaceful shopping among quiet, friendly customers. It's so tranquil. Hm, maybe I'll see what THIS store has to offer:

...perhaps not. Black Friday shopping seems like a notoriously bad idea.
Happy Thanksgiving!

-B-