You know, if there's one question I get from readers of Thinking Hard this time of year, it's "Why aren't you wearing pants?" And if I get TWO questions, it's "Why aren't you wearing pants?" and "Who's in this year's Hottest Mess Tournament?"
It's....time.
As you know, we expanded the tournament this year. There are now SEVENTEEN entrants! Obviously, they're going to need to be split up into four divisions. AND...we're going to have our first PLAY-IN GAME! (I LOVE this time of year!)
So, let's start things off with the brand-new POLITICS REGION. These entrants are seeded by bracket. The top-seeded Hot Mess in the Politics Region is...drumroll...Sarah Palin! She will face off in the opening round against the number-four seed...Oprah Winfrey! On the other side of the bracket, the number-two seed is...Hillary Clinton! She'll face off against the number-three seed...Patti Blagojevich!
Wow! Big names! Big Start! Let's keep it rolling...
The winner of the Politics Region will face the winner of the new SKEWED REALITY REGION for the divisional championship (and the right to go to the national championship). The top seed goes to...PARIS HILTON! You might remember she lost in the first round of last year's tournament, but she lost to the woman who came in second overall, Lindsay Lohan. Hilton will compete in the first round against the number-four seed...HOLLY MADISON! On the other end of the bracket, the number-two seed is...LINDSAY LOHAN! Lohan will take on the number-three seed...HEIDI MONTAG!
Moving on to the bottom of the brackets...
We have the brand-new ENTERTAINMENT ETC. REGION! Competitors in this category could be singers, actresses, porn stars, street performers/hookers...this is pretty much a catch-all region...since I'm sure the men they've been with have "caught all" they really care to have. Let's start with the number-one seed...BRITNEY SPEARS! Spears came in third in the tournament last year and hopes to have a strong showing this year. Her opponent is the fourth-seeded...AMY WINEHOUSE! Winehouse stumbled out of the tournament in the first round last year. The other side of the bracket looks like this...number-two seeded MILEY CYRUS (It's STILL a felony!) takes on the number-three seeded SKINNY BITCHES OF 90210!
Man, I can't wait to see how that comes out. Speaking of coming out, our last region...THE OEDIPUS COMPLEX! These are all competitors who are mothers...but probably shouldn't be. No surprise here, the number-one seed is...NADYA SULEMAN, THE OCTO-MOM! She'll take on the number-four seed...to be determined by the play-in game. Stand by for that. Let's check out the other half of the Oedipus Region...number-two seeded ANGELINA JOLIE looks to take on number-three seeded ASHLEE SIMPSON-WENTZ!
Now for the play-in game. These two competitors are playing for the number-four seed in the Oedipus Region. And this matchup is...BRISTOL PALIN vs. KATE FROM "JON AND KATE PLUS 8!"
Now, if you've never seen "Jon and Kate Plus 8" on TLC, this couple had twins...then a short time later had sextuplets (stop me if you've heard this one...*cough*NadyaSuleman*cough*). I keep seeing clips of the show where Kate treats Jon like her ninth child. She bashes him in front of the children. These kids are going to grow up thinking their daddy is a butler or something and their real daddy ran off with the maid. They might as well call it "Kate Plus 9." There's even been talk recently that Jon might have cheated on Kate, but both deny it. Kate was quoted as saying "We love each other very much...ISN'T THAT RIGHT, DEAR???" Apparently she had a car battery attached to his nipples.
But Bristol Palin's having her own issues. She just announced that she called off her engagement with the guy who tapped that as...I mean, conceived a beautiful baby boy with her. Now, his sister claims Bristol is too controlling and won't let the man see his child. Plus, she's a Palin.
Winner: BRISTOL PALIN! WHOA! We have Bristol Palin on one half of the board and Sarah Palin on the OTHER half! We could end up with a Mom-War in the Championship Game! Palin moves on to face Nadya Suleman in the opening round.
Well, that's the layout for this year's tournament. I have a bracket I'm going to try to post soon, but if not...well, you'll survive right?
LET THE MADNESS BEGIN!!
-B-
Sunday, March 15, 2009
Friday, March 13, 2009
And now for something slightly different...
Hey, Hard Thinkers (take that however you prefer), we're going to change things up a little bit today. If you're a faithful reader (and why wouldn't you be???), you know I'm likely in this blog to let my mind wander, hit on several items in one blog and be as entertaining as possible. Not today.
One quick note and I'll be on to the main topic...a former colleague of mine passed away this week. Chuck Olmstead was one of the most entertaining people I had the fortune of meeting in Louisville, Kentucky (and there were a lot...most of them reading the very blog). Fresh out of Iowa, he surprised me on several levels...his deadpan humor, his ability to dig a story out of nowhere, his ability to TELL that story in a way that entertained AND informed me, and his New England accent (somewhat out of place in Louisville, Kentucky). But he was always genuine whenever I talked to him. If he was in a bad mood, I knew it...but he never took it out on me. If he was in a good mood, I knew it...and he shared it with me. A quick wit, a sense of style...Chuck Olmstead had it all. Thanks, Chuck, for sharing it with me.
Now to the business at hand. If you read last week's blog (and why wouldn't you???), you probably saw my clip of a Daily Show story on all the errors committed by CNBC during the build-up to our current economic crisis. Well, Mad Money host Jim Cramer got a little peeved by how many times HE appeared in the story, pushing people to buy when they should have sold. He spoke out against Jon Stewart on "Today"...and Stewart continued to tweak that nerve:
So, Stewart hosted Cramer for a lengthy interview that some call a "ripping" by Stewart. I disagree. I think it was a poignant debate and if anyone who criticizes the Daily Show as "liberal" or "just a comedy show", but has/had money in the stock market, I think Stewart cemented himself as "not just another comedy show host...but someone who knows what the fuck he's talking about and is willing to stand up for those who like him AND those who hate him." I hear he's putting it on business cards. Please take about 23 minutes out of your day and watch this entire interview. Thank you, Jon:
Part One:
Part Two:
Part Three:
-B-
One quick note and I'll be on to the main topic...a former colleague of mine passed away this week. Chuck Olmstead was one of the most entertaining people I had the fortune of meeting in Louisville, Kentucky (and there were a lot...most of them reading the very blog). Fresh out of Iowa, he surprised me on several levels...his deadpan humor, his ability to dig a story out of nowhere, his ability to TELL that story in a way that entertained AND informed me, and his New England accent (somewhat out of place in Louisville, Kentucky). But he was always genuine whenever I talked to him. If he was in a bad mood, I knew it...but he never took it out on me. If he was in a good mood, I knew it...and he shared it with me. A quick wit, a sense of style...Chuck Olmstead had it all. Thanks, Chuck, for sharing it with me.
Now to the business at hand. If you read last week's blog (and why wouldn't you???), you probably saw my clip of a Daily Show story on all the errors committed by CNBC during the build-up to our current economic crisis. Well, Mad Money host Jim Cramer got a little peeved by how many times HE appeared in the story, pushing people to buy when they should have sold. He spoke out against Jon Stewart on "Today"...and Stewart continued to tweak that nerve:
| The Daily Show With Jon Stewart | M - Th 11p / 10c | |||
| Basic Cable Personality Clash Skirmish '09 | ||||
| ||||
So, Stewart hosted Cramer for a lengthy interview that some call a "ripping" by Stewart. I disagree. I think it was a poignant debate and if anyone who criticizes the Daily Show as "liberal" or "just a comedy show", but has/had money in the stock market, I think Stewart cemented himself as "not just another comedy show host...but someone who knows what the fuck he's talking about and is willing to stand up for those who like him AND those who hate him." I hear he's putting it on business cards. Please take about 23 minutes out of your day and watch this entire interview. Thank you, Jon:
Part One:
Part Two:
Part Three:
-B-
Saturday, March 7, 2009
CNBC-Bashing (and a sack lunch)
Well, North Carolina survived its snowstorm last weekend. Actually, it was the biggest I've seen since I've been here...up to 6 inches! (that's what she said) Tomorrow, it's going to be almost 80 degrees. And people wonder why my sinuses have left the building...
So, John McCain's daughter is writing a blog about her personal life, politics and dating (how original...I hear she called it "Thinking Hardly with Meghan McCain). To be totally fair, she's cute and if I didn't know her father was older than dirt, I'd probably buy her a drink. According to her blog, that's where things would go wrong: "nothing kills my libido quite like discussing politics." Humma-what???
Yeah, apparently Daughter Time (whose father would then be...come ON people, keep up!) is having trouble finding a guy she's interested in. Apparently she's turned off by Obama supporters AND McCain supporters. Check out this date she went on:
Nothing makes me more ill than the idea of some guy bragging to his friends that he was going to go on a date with “John McCain’s daughter.” (Unfortunately this has happened more times than I would like to count and each time I can sense it within the first 30 seconds of meeting them.) One extreme fan of my mother’s recently told me I could be “his Cindy.” And then asked me if I ever wore pearls because they probably would look as good on me as they do on my mother. No, I'm not kidding. Any guy that has a fetish for older women in pantsuits and large pearls obviously only finds my last name attractive about me.
Also, if you're looking for cheesy lines on a date with Meg McCain, here's what you should avoid:
Once I went out with a guy who said the food I had ordered was a “maverick choice” and proceeded to tell me, “Wow, straight talking must run in the family.” It’s like someone taking Lisa Marie Presley out on a date and singing “Hound Dog” in the middle of dinner.
Actually, I feel bad for her. Dating is hard anyway, let alone if you're the daughter of the guy who lost to "that one." So, guys, dating advice for Meghan McCain...avoid talking politics. Or war. Or pearl necklaces...
Speaking of parents and their children, I've added a special "Friend of the Show." A guy is showing pictures on his blog of his children's lunchbags. Here's the thing...he draws and colors the pictures on the bags ON HIS LUNCH BREAK AT WORK! Such a huge effort for something that his children might not be old enough to cherish...and might just throw away. You really have to check out the detail on these bags. Just click on "Lunch Bag Art"...when you're done reading this blog, of course.
Hey, anybody watch the Bachelor lately? Some people are pissed off because this single father asked a woman to marry him on the final episode...then weeks later broke it off on national television and asked one of his other "castoffs" to be with him instead. Stay tuned for ABC's newest reality show, "Sloppy Seconds."
I've been getting a lot of response from readers about who I should enter into this year's "Hottest Mess" tournament. Last year's winner, Angelina Jolie, still has not responded to let me know if she's coming. She and Brad must be busy, spending all their time with television interviews about their Oscar wins...oh, wait, that's right, THEY DIDN'T WIN. Stay tuned for ABC newest reality show starring Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt, "Sloppy Seconds."
Moving ahead, Captain Chesley "Sully" Sullenberger is planning to write a memoir. You might not have heard of this guy...apparently he landed a plane safely in the Hudson River recently. I'm kidding. EVERYONE has heard of this guy. Now, it's gone from a "Miracle on the Hudson" to a real "Cirque du Sully."
Hey, that sounds like something you'd see on The Daily Show. That brings me back to the title of this blog..."Don't Fuck With The Daily Sh.." Oh, wait, sorry...it's "CNBC-Bashing." I don't know if you saw it or not, but CNBC (known for its accurate reporting that there's nothing wrong with the economy and we should all rush right out and buy stocks like they're bottles of spoiled milk, just taking up space in the refrigerated section of your local grocer) recently had its analyst, Rick Santelli, on the network and he ripped on President Obama's economic stimulus plan. Santelli was slated to appear on The Daily Show (presumably to answer questions about the tirade) this past Wednesday, but last Friday, CNBC canceled the interview, saying it's time to move on from that story. NOT SO, CNBC! If you can spare the next 8 minutes, PLEASE watch what I would consider is one of the best examples of "Daily Show is more reliable than YOU are" journalism. You're gonna love this:
-B-
So, John McCain's daughter is writing a blog about her personal life, politics and dating (how original...I hear she called it "Thinking Hardly with Meghan McCain). To be totally fair, she's cute and if I didn't know her father was older than dirt, I'd probably buy her a drink. According to her blog, that's where things would go wrong: "nothing kills my libido quite like discussing politics." Humma-what???
Yeah, apparently Daughter Time (whose father would then be...come ON people, keep up!) is having trouble finding a guy she's interested in. Apparently she's turned off by Obama supporters AND McCain supporters. Check out this date she went on:
Nothing makes me more ill than the idea of some guy bragging to his friends that he was going to go on a date with “John McCain’s daughter.” (Unfortunately this has happened more times than I would like to count and each time I can sense it within the first 30 seconds of meeting them.) One extreme fan of my mother’s recently told me I could be “his Cindy.” And then asked me if I ever wore pearls because they probably would look as good on me as they do on my mother. No, I'm not kidding. Any guy that has a fetish for older women in pantsuits and large pearls obviously only finds my last name attractive about me.
Also, if you're looking for cheesy lines on a date with Meg McCain, here's what you should avoid:
Once I went out with a guy who said the food I had ordered was a “maverick choice” and proceeded to tell me, “Wow, straight talking must run in the family.” It’s like someone taking Lisa Marie Presley out on a date and singing “Hound Dog” in the middle of dinner.
Actually, I feel bad for her. Dating is hard anyway, let alone if you're the daughter of the guy who lost to "that one." So, guys, dating advice for Meghan McCain...avoid talking politics. Or war. Or pearl necklaces...
Speaking of parents and their children, I've added a special "Friend of the Show." A guy is showing pictures on his blog of his children's lunchbags. Here's the thing...he draws and colors the pictures on the bags ON HIS LUNCH BREAK AT WORK! Such a huge effort for something that his children might not be old enough to cherish...and might just throw away. You really have to check out the detail on these bags. Just click on "Lunch Bag Art"...when you're done reading this blog, of course.
Hey, anybody watch the Bachelor lately? Some people are pissed off because this single father asked a woman to marry him on the final episode...then weeks later broke it off on national television and asked one of his other "castoffs" to be with him instead. Stay tuned for ABC's newest reality show, "Sloppy Seconds."
I've been getting a lot of response from readers about who I should enter into this year's "Hottest Mess" tournament. Last year's winner, Angelina Jolie, still has not responded to let me know if she's coming. She and Brad must be busy, spending all their time with television interviews about their Oscar wins...oh, wait, that's right, THEY DIDN'T WIN. Stay tuned for ABC newest reality show starring Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt, "Sloppy Seconds."
Moving ahead, Captain Chesley "Sully" Sullenberger is planning to write a memoir. You might not have heard of this guy...apparently he landed a plane safely in the Hudson River recently. I'm kidding. EVERYONE has heard of this guy. Now, it's gone from a "Miracle on the Hudson" to a real "Cirque du Sully."
Hey, that sounds like something you'd see on The Daily Show. That brings me back to the title of this blog..."Don't Fuck With The Daily Sh.." Oh, wait, sorry...it's "CNBC-Bashing." I don't know if you saw it or not, but CNBC (known for its accurate reporting that there's nothing wrong with the economy and we should all rush right out and buy stocks like they're bottles of spoiled milk, just taking up space in the refrigerated section of your local grocer) recently had its analyst, Rick Santelli, on the network and he ripped on President Obama's economic stimulus plan. Santelli was slated to appear on The Daily Show (presumably to answer questions about the tirade) this past Wednesday, but last Friday, CNBC canceled the interview, saying it's time to move on from that story. NOT SO, CNBC! If you can spare the next 8 minutes, PLEASE watch what I would consider is one of the best examples of "Daily Show is more reliable than YOU are" journalism. You're gonna love this:
-B-
Sunday, March 1, 2009
The "Fairer Sex" Angers Me
Let's start with your weather forecast...
It's March 1 in Charlotte, North Carolina, and our meteorologists are predicting severe weather, so of course we're expecting...
WHAT??? What the f*** do you mean SNOW?!? Well, I guess that's what I get for golfing on January 23rd and bragging to my friends and family. Who says there's no such thing as global warming?
As I "anxiously" await our next snowfall (F-U, Mother Nature), I'd like to briefly revisit a topic from a previous post...Nadya Suleman, the so-called "octo-mom" and favorite in this year's "Hottest Mess" tournament. So, I heard this week that someone offered her a contract to appear in an adult film. Of course she's going to sign because, quite frankly, she needs the cash and apparently doesn't give a crap about what she's doing "down there" anyway. I heard she could sign on for a SERIES of the films..."Suleman," "Suleman 2," "Suleman 3," and "Suleman 4: The Quest for a Piece." Of course, that last film will mostly be forgotten by fans of the franchise until years later when Angelina Jolie takes over the role in "Suleman Returns." (Hey, don't groan...my other options for movie titles were "Not Another Fourteen Movie" and "He's Just, Nadya, That Into You"...my personal favorite)
Also, while I'm on the topic of movies, I found out this week that Hollywood is planning remakes of "Nightmare on Elm Street" and "Neverending Story." Hollywood and I are officially not speaking to each other.
I DID catch parts of the Academy Awards last Sunday night. Bad year to be nominated in the Best Supporting Deceased Actor category...Heath Ledger was the shoo-in. Seriously, I was MORE surprised to see Angelina Jolie show up at the ceremony and NOT look like she'd spent the day on crack. (This blog sponsored by Jennifer Aniston.)
But I have to commend the filmmakers behind "Slumdog Millionaire." Eight Oscars, including Best Director and Best Picture...congratulations! I also am digging that song from the movie, "Jai Ho," which I believe means "Would you kindly move your car from this parking spot so that I may pull in?" I also read this week that the Pussycat Dolls are remixing it...they'll probably have to call it "Jai Hos."
Bring on the snow!
-B-
It's March 1 in Charlotte, North Carolina, and our meteorologists are predicting severe weather, so of course we're expecting...
WHAT??? What the f*** do you mean SNOW?!? Well, I guess that's what I get for golfing on January 23rd and bragging to my friends and family. Who says there's no such thing as global warming?
As I "anxiously" await our next snowfall (F-U, Mother Nature), I'd like to briefly revisit a topic from a previous post...Nadya Suleman, the so-called "octo-mom" and favorite in this year's "Hottest Mess" tournament. So, I heard this week that someone offered her a contract to appear in an adult film. Of course she's going to sign because, quite frankly, she needs the cash and apparently doesn't give a crap about what she's doing "down there" anyway. I heard she could sign on for a SERIES of the films..."Suleman," "Suleman 2," "Suleman 3," and "Suleman 4: The Quest for a Piece." Of course, that last film will mostly be forgotten by fans of the franchise until years later when Angelina Jolie takes over the role in "Suleman Returns." (Hey, don't groan...my other options for movie titles were "Not Another Fourteen Movie" and "He's Just, Nadya, That Into You"...my personal favorite)
Also, while I'm on the topic of movies, I found out this week that Hollywood is planning remakes of "Nightmare on Elm Street" and "Neverending Story." Hollywood and I are officially not speaking to each other.
I DID catch parts of the Academy Awards last Sunday night. Bad year to be nominated in the Best Supporting Deceased Actor category...Heath Ledger was the shoo-in. Seriously, I was MORE surprised to see Angelina Jolie show up at the ceremony and NOT look like she'd spent the day on crack. (This blog sponsored by Jennifer Aniston.)
But I have to commend the filmmakers behind "Slumdog Millionaire." Eight Oscars, including Best Director and Best Picture...congratulations! I also am digging that song from the movie, "Jai Ho," which I believe means "Would you kindly move your car from this parking spot so that I may pull in?" I also read this week that the Pussycat Dolls are remixing it...they'll probably have to call it "Jai Hos."
Bring on the snow!
-B-
Sunday, February 22, 2009
I Met George Romero!
And honestly, I'm a little surprised by how few people know/care about George Romero. No, he's not as well known as Jerry Bruckheimer or Steven Spielberg or George Lucas or Rob Zombie (it STILL seems weird to watch a horror movie directed by a rock star), but he's one of the fathers of cinema...and he's largely responsible for a movie genre that's gone from generally underappreciated to pretty mainstream. He's also probably responsible for many of your nightmares.
I'm talking about zombies. Y'know...the walking dead, the brain eaters, the people who watch the View and agree with Elisabeth Hissyfit. George Romero started it all in glorious black & white with the original "Night of the Living Dead." Since then, he's directed a few sequels. He's also been involved in the "Creepshow" movies and the "Tales from the Darkside" TV series. Guy's a legend. Anyway, so I met George Romero at an autograph signing Friday...and shelled out 15 bucks for his signature on a DVD (urgh). I think I was most surprised as I watched him sign my DVD. I watched his hand shake as he signed "Blaine, stay scared. George Romero." And I was left thinking that there's a better than average chance that I will outlast the man. But his iconic work will live on in his fans and in the annals of film. Thanks, Mr. Romero, for keeping me awake at night.
Speaking of legends who want my money, MC Hammer has signed a deal for a new REALITY SERIES on A&E! Holy crap! First, he's sending away everything he has in gold for quick cash...now he's dating three nude models in their early twenties, who will stay at his mansion and help him publish future issues of Playb...wait, sorry, wrong guy. That's someone ELSE who's past his prime. Well, at least the "gold for cash" bit was right. Anyway, watch for "Brotherhood of the Traveling Parachute Pants" on A&E, coming soon.
Speaking of the high price of fame, a vicious attack took place last week in Connecticut. A woman went to visit her friend and a CHIMPANZEE started attacking her! It feels like an awkward episode of "The Electric Company"..."HEEEEEYYYYYY YYYYOOOOOUUUU GGUUUUUUUYYY...OH GOD! GET HIM OFF ME! I'M WEARING A YELLOW DRESS AND HE'S TRYING TO UNPEEL ME!!!"
So this 70-year-old woman owns the chimp and he's starred in commercials...and as Elisabeth Hissyfit's replacement on The View. (Amazingly, no one noticed) So the chimp got out of the house, and the woman called her 55-year-old friend, Charla Nash, to help corral him. She got over to the house and the chimp went bananas...er, went ape-shi...lost his mind and started clawing at Nash and biting her face. After several minutes, the chimp's owner FINALLY decided to stab the chimp with a butcher knife and hit it with a shovel to stop the attack. Nash had life-threatening injuries.
The chimp's owner answered criticism later from the media about why she would keep a 200-lb. chimp as a pet. She responded with "Some parents have junkie kids, and they still care about them!" Okay, 1. They're human children, not animals you dress up like children (which should AUTOMATICALLY qualify you for a mental facility...or The View). 2. Let's see..."junkie" implies they're on illegal drugs. But YOU fed your chimpanzee unprescribed XANAX the morning of the attack, a drug that has not been tested on chimpanzees (at least, not that the makers will officially confirm). YOU drugged a monkey that attacked YOUR friend. YOU are an irresponsible pet-owner. YOU are the problem.
So, I fully expect to find the next edition of the Clue board game in stores soon, with additional characters and weapons. "I deduce that Ms. Hissyfit killed Mr. Boddy in the View studio while brandishing a chimpanzee."
(This blog has been sponsored by Whoopi Goldberg, Joy Behar, Sherri Shepard and Barbara Walters.)
-B-
I'm talking about zombies. Y'know...the walking dead, the brain eaters, the people who watch the View and agree with Elisabeth Hissyfit. George Romero started it all in glorious black & white with the original "Night of the Living Dead." Since then, he's directed a few sequels. He's also been involved in the "Creepshow" movies and the "Tales from the Darkside" TV series. Guy's a legend. Anyway, so I met George Romero at an autograph signing Friday...and shelled out 15 bucks for his signature on a DVD (urgh). I think I was most surprised as I watched him sign my DVD. I watched his hand shake as he signed "Blaine, stay scared. George Romero." And I was left thinking that there's a better than average chance that I will outlast the man. But his iconic work will live on in his fans and in the annals of film. Thanks, Mr. Romero, for keeping me awake at night.
Speaking of legends who want my money, MC Hammer has signed a deal for a new REALITY SERIES on A&E! Holy crap! First, he's sending away everything he has in gold for quick cash...now he's dating three nude models in their early twenties, who will stay at his mansion and help him publish future issues of Playb...wait, sorry, wrong guy. That's someone ELSE who's past his prime. Well, at least the "gold for cash" bit was right. Anyway, watch for "Brotherhood of the Traveling Parachute Pants" on A&E, coming soon.
Speaking of the high price of fame, a vicious attack took place last week in Connecticut. A woman went to visit her friend and a CHIMPANZEE started attacking her! It feels like an awkward episode of "The Electric Company"..."HEEEEEYYYYYY YYYYOOOOOUUUU GGUUUUUUUYYY...OH GOD! GET HIM OFF ME! I'M WEARING A YELLOW DRESS AND HE'S TRYING TO UNPEEL ME!!!"
So this 70-year-old woman owns the chimp and he's starred in commercials...and as Elisabeth Hissyfit's replacement on The View. (Amazingly, no one noticed) So the chimp got out of the house, and the woman called her 55-year-old friend, Charla Nash, to help corral him. She got over to the house and the chimp went bananas...er, went ape-shi...lost his mind and started clawing at Nash and biting her face. After several minutes, the chimp's owner FINALLY decided to stab the chimp with a butcher knife and hit it with a shovel to stop the attack. Nash had life-threatening injuries.
The chimp's owner answered criticism later from the media about why she would keep a 200-lb. chimp as a pet. She responded with "Some parents have junkie kids, and they still care about them!" Okay, 1. They're human children, not animals you dress up like children (which should AUTOMATICALLY qualify you for a mental facility...or The View). 2. Let's see..."junkie" implies they're on illegal drugs. But YOU fed your chimpanzee unprescribed XANAX the morning of the attack, a drug that has not been tested on chimpanzees (at least, not that the makers will officially confirm). YOU drugged a monkey that attacked YOUR friend. YOU are an irresponsible pet-owner. YOU are the problem.
So, I fully expect to find the next edition of the Clue board game in stores soon, with additional characters and weapons. "I deduce that Ms. Hissyfit killed Mr. Boddy in the View studio while brandishing a chimpanzee."
(This blog has been sponsored by Whoopi Goldberg, Joy Behar, Sherri Shepard and Barbara Walters.)
-B-
Saturday, February 14, 2009
I Love Crazies!
Ah, it's Valentine's Day. Let's see what I got in the ol' inbox-mailbag...
...mmm, yes, I think at some point I SHOULD cleanse my colon, but today will not be that day...
...oh, that's nice, some girl named Samson sent me an e-card telling me how much she misses her "love." What? Samson is a BOY'S name? Impossible. I don't know any boys named Samson. Come to think of it, I don't know any GIRLS named Samson either. And why is my computer getting all fuzzzzzzzzz *click*...
...well, now that I got that all cleaned up. Surely I'm not the ONLY person who will receive a virus for Valentine's Day. I think that's why it's referred to as V-Day...
...obligatory "make your penis longer" email. Look, I don't know what you've been told, but...
HOLY CRAP, IT'S MID-FEBRUARY ALREADY!!! You know what THAT means, right??? It's getting close to the annual "Thinking Hard's Hottest Mess March Madness Tournament"! I know what you're thinking: 1. "Um, sorry, what?" (if you missed out on last year's tournament, pop in the March archive. It was exciting); 2. "Blaine, I can't wait to find out who's competing in this year's tournament!"
I agree, this year's tournament will be exciting...and not just because there will be NEW names in the tournament. It's expanding! More entrants! More games! It's going to be larger than before! And speaking of larger than before, it's my privilege to introduce our first entrant in this year's Hottest Mess Tournament...Nadya Suleman!
YES! The woman who JUST finished giving birth to eight children...and giving interviews to eight media outlets...WILL compete in this year's tournament! That is, if she makes it there. Apparently, Suleman has been subjected to death threats lately. Now, is that ANY way to treat a woman who just "naturally" gave birth to eight children...on top of the six she already had? Maybe she can afford to hire a babysitt...wait, no, she's on welfare, so maybe YOU can afford to hire her a babysitter. Perhaps she can ask her husb...oh, single mom, huh? Well, that's a shocker. Who wouldn't jump at the chance to marry an interesting woman who says on the first date: "You know, I like to think of children as potato chips...you can't have just one...bag."
Suleman says she wanted many children because she grew up an only child and was lonely. So she decided that starting a small continent would make up for the emptiness. Seriously, if you moved your family to Australia, the dingoes would be drooling...right before your babies ate the dingoes.
Oh, there's also a website that's been set up to take financial and diaperial donations for Suleman. I'm sorry, but you're on welfare, you live with your parents, you already have six kids and signed up for another litter...and you want me to give you something out of SYMPATHY??? Yes, I have sympathy...for your children...so I will give you something: a TUBAL LIGATION! Get your tubes tied, woman! Your "friend" who kindly donated that sperm to you should have said "This Just Really Should Not Get Into You." In plain english, STOP HAVING BABIES! In plain german, STOPPEN GO POPPENIN SPERMIN UND POPPENOUT DER PEEIN-UND-POOPINS OOT DER VAGINADERCONVEYOR!
Suleman's also had some facial work done that makes her look a little like Angelina Jolie. We're trying to nail down a commitment from Jolie in this year's tournament, but as yet, she's been busy shooting "Wanted 2: Is Anyone Really Watching These Movies?" We'll keep you updated here at Thinking Hard.
Well, at least we know Suleman got pregnant "au natural"...kinda like Alex Rodriguez's muscles. That's right, A-Roid admitted this week he used banned performance-enhancing drugs for three years starting in 2001. The guy is the 12th all-time home run hitter (home run hitter who 'roided up? Who doesMcGwirethat soundBondslike?). He's also been rumored in a dalliance with Madonna, so this guy's already tested positive for poor judgment...and maybe a progressive case of blindness and deafness. But all is not lost. The University of Miami unveiled Alex Rodriguez Park and had A-Roid as a guest of honor Friday night. Centerpieces on the table included miniature baseball bats, tiny toy baseballs and unshelled peanuts. Because if anything screams "This guy has taken steroids", it's small sticks, small balls and wrinkly nuts.
Speaking of wrinkly nuts, the US Senate approved President Obama's stimulus package late last night. Voting started on the $787B plan around 5:30pm, but lasted until several hours later as senators awaited Sen. Sherrod Brown, D-OH, who was attending his mother's wake. YOU PAID to fly the guy back on a plane commissioned by the WHITE HOUSE just to cast the vote that passed the stimulus package (take a note, CEOs of automakers and banks...there IS a double-standard. Congressmen who do their job get to fly private planes...executives who screw consumers out of hard-earned money have to walk). House republicans complained that there wasn't enough time to read the 1,100 pages of the plan before the vote Friday. But come on, let's be serious...most of you don't subscribe to the internet, and I'd like to see SOMETHING done about the economy before we see flying Jetson cars (which, coincidentally, automaker execs also can NOT take to the next congressional hearing).
Finally, it IS Valentine's Day and love is in the air...for some people. But there's an attraction in London that allows jilted women to get a hex put on their exes. Here in North Carolina, there's a similar idea in place for jilted men to get revenge...they let ME date their exes.
Happy V-Day!
-B-
...mmm, yes, I think at some point I SHOULD cleanse my colon, but today will not be that day...
...oh, that's nice, some girl named Samson sent me an e-card telling me how much she misses her "love." What? Samson is a BOY'S name? Impossible. I don't know any boys named Samson. Come to think of it, I don't know any GIRLS named Samson either. And why is my computer getting all fuzzzzzzzzz *click*...
...well, now that I got that all cleaned up. Surely I'm not the ONLY person who will receive a virus for Valentine's Day. I think that's why it's referred to as V-Day...
...obligatory "make your penis longer" email. Look, I don't know what you've been told, but...
HOLY CRAP, IT'S MID-FEBRUARY ALREADY!!! You know what THAT means, right??? It's getting close to the annual "Thinking Hard's Hottest Mess March Madness Tournament"! I know what you're thinking: 1. "Um, sorry, what?" (if you missed out on last year's tournament, pop in the March archive. It was exciting); 2. "Blaine, I can't wait to find out who's competing in this year's tournament!"
I agree, this year's tournament will be exciting...and not just because there will be NEW names in the tournament. It's expanding! More entrants! More games! It's going to be larger than before! And speaking of larger than before, it's my privilege to introduce our first entrant in this year's Hottest Mess Tournament...Nadya Suleman!
YES! The woman who JUST finished giving birth to eight children...and giving interviews to eight media outlets...WILL compete in this year's tournament! That is, if she makes it there. Apparently, Suleman has been subjected to death threats lately. Now, is that ANY way to treat a woman who just "naturally" gave birth to eight children...on top of the six she already had? Maybe she can afford to hire a babysitt...wait, no, she's on welfare, so maybe YOU can afford to hire her a babysitter. Perhaps she can ask her husb...oh, single mom, huh? Well, that's a shocker. Who wouldn't jump at the chance to marry an interesting woman who says on the first date: "You know, I like to think of children as potato chips...you can't have just one...bag."
Suleman says she wanted many children because she grew up an only child and was lonely. So she decided that starting a small continent would make up for the emptiness. Seriously, if you moved your family to Australia, the dingoes would be drooling...right before your babies ate the dingoes.
Oh, there's also a website that's been set up to take financial and diaperial donations for Suleman. I'm sorry, but you're on welfare, you live with your parents, you already have six kids and signed up for another litter...and you want me to give you something out of SYMPATHY??? Yes, I have sympathy...for your children...so I will give you something: a TUBAL LIGATION! Get your tubes tied, woman! Your "friend" who kindly donated that sperm to you should have said "This Just Really Should Not Get Into You." In plain english, STOP HAVING BABIES! In plain german, STOPPEN GO POPPENIN SPERMIN UND POPPENOUT DER PEEIN-UND-POOPINS OOT DER VAGINADERCONVEYOR!
Suleman's also had some facial work done that makes her look a little like Angelina Jolie. We're trying to nail down a commitment from Jolie in this year's tournament, but as yet, she's been busy shooting "Wanted 2: Is Anyone Really Watching These Movies?" We'll keep you updated here at Thinking Hard.
Well, at least we know Suleman got pregnant "au natural"...kinda like Alex Rodriguez's muscles. That's right, A-Roid admitted this week he used banned performance-enhancing drugs for three years starting in 2001. The guy is the 12th all-time home run hitter (home run hitter who 'roided up? Who doesMcGwirethat soundBondslike?). He's also been rumored in a dalliance with Madonna, so this guy's already tested positive for poor judgment...and maybe a progressive case of blindness and deafness. But all is not lost. The University of Miami unveiled Alex Rodriguez Park and had A-Roid as a guest of honor Friday night. Centerpieces on the table included miniature baseball bats, tiny toy baseballs and unshelled peanuts. Because if anything screams "This guy has taken steroids", it's small sticks, small balls and wrinkly nuts.
Speaking of wrinkly nuts, the US Senate approved President Obama's stimulus package late last night. Voting started on the $787B plan around 5:30pm, but lasted until several hours later as senators awaited Sen. Sherrod Brown, D-OH, who was attending his mother's wake. YOU PAID to fly the guy back on a plane commissioned by the WHITE HOUSE just to cast the vote that passed the stimulus package (take a note, CEOs of automakers and banks...there IS a double-standard. Congressmen who do their job get to fly private planes...executives who screw consumers out of hard-earned money have to walk). House republicans complained that there wasn't enough time to read the 1,100 pages of the plan before the vote Friday. But come on, let's be serious...most of you don't subscribe to the internet, and I'd like to see SOMETHING done about the economy before we see flying Jetson cars (which, coincidentally, automaker execs also can NOT take to the next congressional hearing).
Finally, it IS Valentine's Day and love is in the air...for some people. But there's an attraction in London that allows jilted women to get a hex put on their exes. Here in North Carolina, there's a similar idea in place for jilted men to get revenge...they let ME date their exes.
Happy V-Day!
-B-
Friday, February 6, 2009
Super Happy Chick Fight Video Fun Time!
(You'll have to pardon the title...I had Chinese for lunch)
Oh, Friday, how I have longed for you. Only you could grant me the full time to unleash my mental prowess upon the "interwebs." Thank you, glorious Friday.
Check it! Welcome back to Thinking Hard. Oh, what a week it has been. We'll get to the chick fighting in a sec, but first, I want to start with a hot Hollywood actor...who whines like a little girl when someone interrupts his scene. Yes, if you haven't heard it by now, the audio tapes have been released of "The Dark Knight" himself, Christian Bale, unleashing an endless stream of obscenities while shooting...wait, is this right?...I'm getting word he was shooting ANOTHER DAMN TERMINATOR MOVIE! (Didn't he read last week's blog???) So, he was shooting a star-studded scene with Bryce Dallas Howard (you remember her...she's Ron Howard's daughter whose only recent claim to fame is M. Night Shamalamadingdong's "Lady in the Water"...poor thing) in New Mexico last summer. A cinematographer misstepped into the scene he was shooting with Howard and he went OFF on the poor bastard. Here's a 4-minute clip: (this is NOT safe for work)
A few days later, Bale would be arrested for physically assaulting his mother and sister. I bet he's great at parties. But in Bale's defense, he's Bat-shit Crazy. Actually, the funnier version of this popped up on a BBC morning show: (also, NOT safe for work)
(Don't you just love Super Happy Chick Fight Video Fun Time day???)
Actually, this makes me think of the Super Bowl. Nope, not referring to Bruce Springsteen crotching himself on an HD camera during halftime (though, I'm sure of all the people and things he saw during halftime, the camera was the LAST thing he expected on his crotch). What? You missed it??? Well, here's another look:
(That clip got replayed TWICE on the DVR at the Super Bowl party I went to) No, I'm talking about the Arizona Cardinals fans in Tucson. See, they were watching the game on Comcast and (if you missed the game) the action really picked up in the last few minutes. Exciting finish. Anyway, while they're watching these sweaty guys playing football...Comcast cuts away for a few seconds of accidental PORN! Would've been nice...had the film not been featuring a NAKED MAN at the time. That is NOT the kind of ball handling you want to see at the Super Bowl.
Moving on, let's talk about CHICKS, MAN! So, did you see inauguration night for President Barack Obama? Lots of celebrities, lots of dancing, and a special performance by Beyonce of Etta James' famous song "At Last" while the first couple danced. It was a beautiful moment. So, Etta "I'm not really that crazy, I'm just really old...okay, so I'm also really crazy, but at least I wasn't wearing Aretha Franklin's hat" James came out this week and said she was upset that Beyonce sang HER SONG at the inauguration. She even went as far as to say Beyonce "was gonna get her ass whipped" and that Obama "wasn't MY president." Well, this morning, James told the media she was "just kidding" Beyonce and Obama. And that's been our new segment, "Wow, my sense of humor is going to SUCK when I'm old."
MORE CHICKS, MAN! Ashley Judd (you remember her, right? She was the only ATTRACTIVE Judd with a promising movie career. No, she's not dead...just her career) is in a new video for the animal rights group Defenders of Wildlife. She's preaching the ills of killing wolves and bears in Alaska from airplanes. And GUESS WHO SHE'S TARGETTING! That's right...she calls out former VP candidate/media darling/soundbite queen/MENSA candidate Sarah Palin. Palin found the time to look up from reading all of her magazines to respond. She says the anti-wolf/bear/any furry creature-overpopulation program is scientifically based (it says so in this magazine right...shoot, now where did that thing go?...well, I read it in all of them) and is important to keep up the moose and caribou populations...FOR HUNTERS. I presume they're the poor hunters who can't afford to do their shootin' from a fancy ol' plane. "HOO-WEE! You got TWO wings on that thing??? Do the Russians know about this?"
Okay, enough fighting. I have to show you this clip from Conan O'Brien this week. The artist's name is Theresa Andersson. The things at her feet are recording her words and looping them as playback. What she does here is just amazing by the time she gets to the end. This IS safe for work and one of the most impressive pieces of music I've ever seen performed:
Remember, kids, just say yes to drugs. This public service announcement brought to you by Michael Phelps..."Michael Phelps, soon to be living in a van down by a river near you."
-B
Oh, Friday, how I have longed for you. Only you could grant me the full time to unleash my mental prowess upon the "interwebs." Thank you, glorious Friday.
Check it! Welcome back to Thinking Hard. Oh, what a week it has been. We'll get to the chick fighting in a sec, but first, I want to start with a hot Hollywood actor...who whines like a little girl when someone interrupts his scene. Yes, if you haven't heard it by now, the audio tapes have been released of "The Dark Knight" himself, Christian Bale, unleashing an endless stream of obscenities while shooting...wait, is this right?...I'm getting word he was shooting ANOTHER DAMN TERMINATOR MOVIE! (Didn't he read last week's blog???) So, he was shooting a star-studded scene with Bryce Dallas Howard (you remember her...she's Ron Howard's daughter whose only recent claim to fame is M. Night Shamalamadingdong's "Lady in the Water"...poor thing) in New Mexico last summer. A cinematographer misstepped into the scene he was shooting with Howard and he went OFF on the poor bastard. Here's a 4-minute clip: (this is NOT safe for work)
A few days later, Bale would be arrested for physically assaulting his mother and sister. I bet he's great at parties. But in Bale's defense, he's Bat-shit Crazy. Actually, the funnier version of this popped up on a BBC morning show: (also, NOT safe for work)
(Don't you just love Super Happy Chick Fight Video Fun Time day???)
Actually, this makes me think of the Super Bowl. Nope, not referring to Bruce Springsteen crotching himself on an HD camera during halftime (though, I'm sure of all the people and things he saw during halftime, the camera was the LAST thing he expected on his crotch). What? You missed it??? Well, here's another look:
(That clip got replayed TWICE on the DVR at the Super Bowl party I went to) No, I'm talking about the Arizona Cardinals fans in Tucson. See, they were watching the game on Comcast and (if you missed the game) the action really picked up in the last few minutes. Exciting finish. Anyway, while they're watching these sweaty guys playing football...Comcast cuts away for a few seconds of accidental PORN! Would've been nice...had the film not been featuring a NAKED MAN at the time. That is NOT the kind of ball handling you want to see at the Super Bowl.
Moving on, let's talk about CHICKS, MAN! So, did you see inauguration night for President Barack Obama? Lots of celebrities, lots of dancing, and a special performance by Beyonce of Etta James' famous song "At Last" while the first couple danced. It was a beautiful moment. So, Etta "I'm not really that crazy, I'm just really old...okay, so I'm also really crazy, but at least I wasn't wearing Aretha Franklin's hat" James came out this week and said she was upset that Beyonce sang HER SONG at the inauguration. She even went as far as to say Beyonce "was gonna get her ass whipped" and that Obama "wasn't MY president." Well, this morning, James told the media she was "just kidding" Beyonce and Obama. And that's been our new segment, "Wow, my sense of humor is going to SUCK when I'm old."
MORE CHICKS, MAN! Ashley Judd (you remember her, right? She was the only ATTRACTIVE Judd with a promising movie career. No, she's not dead...just her career) is in a new video for the animal rights group Defenders of Wildlife. She's preaching the ills of killing wolves and bears in Alaska from airplanes. And GUESS WHO SHE'S TARGETTING! That's right...she calls out former VP candidate/media darling/soundbite queen/MENSA candidate Sarah Palin. Palin found the time to look up from reading all of her magazines to respond. She says the anti-wolf/bear/any furry creature-overpopulation program is scientifically based (it says so in this magazine right...shoot, now where did that thing go?...well, I read it in all of them) and is important to keep up the moose and caribou populations...FOR HUNTERS. I presume they're the poor hunters who can't afford to do their shootin' from a fancy ol' plane. "HOO-WEE! You got TWO wings on that thing??? Do the Russians know about this?"
Okay, enough fighting. I have to show you this clip from Conan O'Brien this week. The artist's name is Theresa Andersson. The things at her feet are recording her words and looping them as playback. What she does here is just amazing by the time she gets to the end. This IS safe for work and one of the most impressive pieces of music I've ever seen performed:
Remember, kids, just say yes to drugs. This public service announcement brought to you by Michael Phelps..."Michael Phelps, soon to be living in a van down by a river near you."
-B
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