Shut Up And Read

(ah, if only it were that simple...)

Breaking News! Michael Jackson is DEAD! More on that in a moment, but first, some ACTUAL news...

Breaking News! Alaska Governor Sarah Palin is resigning her office at the end of July. Friday, Palin announced she would be passing power to her lieutenant governor at the end of the month. Perhaps she's celebrating her independence by declaring herself a sovereign nation? Anyway, Andy actually sat through much of the statement (I don't have that kind of patience) and said it only took Palin SIX MINUTES to blame the media (that's me) for not covering the "good stories" in Alaska. After THAT Trigg-like rambling, she announced ELEVEN MINUTES in that she wasn't going to seek re-election...and ANOTHER MINUTE to say "Hey, wait a sec...did I mention I'm quitting office at the end of this month?" Well, good to see she got to the point quickly. Yes, Palin referred to the "rich" history of Alaska, including when it was purchased from Russia (she can STILL see it from her house) in what's called "Seward's Folly"...which was really only a smart purchase from the oil standpoint. Anyway, in what I'll consider "Palin's Folly," she says she can do more outside of government than as governor (well, at least she can get away with more...). Andy also mentioned that Palin said in her speech "The world needs MORE Triggs, not fewer." Really?

So, can a brotha get a new job title for Sarah Palin? Some speculate this could be the start of a presidential bid in 2012. Um, Mrs. Palin, I realize you're "America's Sweetheart" for the uneducated, but is it really a wise move to have a blotch on your political career that says "Resigned in the middle of term in a major government office" when you're looking to run for president??? Hey, at least she thinks she can beat Obama. In a recent interview with Runner's World magazine (apparently the only magazine she DOES read...or at least looks at the pictures), Palin said she could probably beat President Obama in a marathon. Maybe, but only if she doesn't stop halfway through the race. In unrelated news, I've decided to cancel my subscription to Runner's World. That and the expose of how former President "W" Bush used velcro on his shoes instead of laces just make me question the journalism involved.

We'll keep an eye on Palin's career as it moves ahea...er, whatever direction it's going. Now, to the other big story: Michael Jackson is dead! Did you hear about this? If you're like 2/3 of americans, you have and you stopped giving a fuck about 5 minutes into the 24-hour coverage. Yep, a survey this week shows 2 out of every 3 people in the U.S. are sick of the Jackson coverage. Can't say I blame him. The POPE didn't get this much press after he died! Maybe if the pope had been diddling young boys...

In a story that has NO CONNECTION to Michael Jackson WHATSOEVER, a guy boarded a US Airways flight from Charlotte, NC, to Los Angeles this week...and got naked midflight! Totally naked. The plane had to make an emergency landing in Albequerque to get him off (pun intended). Hey, that guy loves to fly, and it shows. Apparently the skies aren't THAT friendly. His tray-table wasn't the only thing in the upright position! Maybe he should have flied Air New Zealand, which recently started showing THIS safety video in-flight to keep the attention of the passengers:



Yes, those people are naked with their clothes painted on...or, as I like to call it, another Monday morning at the office.

Oh, one more news item...Bernie Madoff got sentenced this week to more than 100 years in prison for running a scam on investors that netted him millions of dollars. The sentence means he will probably spend the rest of his life behind bars. But, on the plus side, he's already snagged an advertising deal. We here at Thinking Hard got an early look at the ad:



Happy 4th!
-B-

Take A Letter, Maria

Before we begin this installment of Thinking Hard, I need to hit on two things that happened this week in the span of about 8 hours. Farrah Fawcett and Michael Jackson are dead. Farrah Fawcett died Thursday morning, Jackson followed up in the afternoon. I slept through both of these things and only found them out when I woke up at 9:30 Thursday night to two text messages. It seems like all the landmark stuff happens when I'm asleep. Anyway, whether you like them or hate them, Fawcett and Jackson did a lot in their respective forms of entertainment and will be remembered for a long time.

Another thing that happened this week while I was asleep...South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford announced he had been having an extramarital affair with a woman in Argentina named Maria. He disappeared for about 5 days last weekend (FATHER'S DAY weekend, no less...he has four sons)...and it turns out he was down in Argentina. No one knew where he was. It's the equivalent of a babysitter in charge of about 4-million children (or Nadya Suleman's house, essentially) and just leaving to go to a movie with her boyfriend, leaving the kids to fend for themselves. But I don't do NEAR as good enough job reporting this story as The Daily Show does. Here, now, is Jon Stewart:

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
Governor Mark Sanford Is Missing
thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor Jason Jones in Iran

Though, to be honest, South Carolina's essentially a rudderless ship WITH Sanford in charge...and if NY Governor Patterson wandered off, you can guarantee he would STILL avoid NEW JERSEY. Also, if you think the picture of Sanford naked is upsetting, consider this: he's as popular naked in South America as David Hasselhoff's "music" in Europe. Wyatt Cenac had more in a "live" report from the backwoods of the Appalachian Trail:

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
Fled Sanford
thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor Jason Jones in Iran

Why stop here?

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
Governor Mark Sanford's Affair
thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor Jason Jones in Iran

Now, to be fair, at least it was a Republican being caught with a WOMAN instead of a MAN. Yes, for Republicans, gay MARRIAGE is wrong, but gay AFFAIRS are so, so right. I suppose if Sanford was with a man, he would have ended up in ANUS AIRES, Argentina. Fox News even "mistakenly" named Sanford a Democrat briefly, as intern Kelsay was so kind to point out in this screen grab:



"Fair and Balanced"? More like "Listing More To The Right Than The Leaning Tower Of Pisa."

Jon Stewart also touched briefly on the "Jon & Kate Plus 8" issue. This week, the show announced the "Ozzie & Harriet"-like couple are getting a divorce. Really, who knew something was wrong in that marriage? They seemed like the perfect couple...with 8 children...and a wife that won't stop bitching at her husband...and a husband that seemed ready to kill himself every time his wife took in a breath of air to speak to him. Where's the love? At least we know where their priorities lie. Kate told reporters: "How does the show go on? The show MUST go on!" This from the woman who just a few weeks ago bashed the paparazzi, saying she didn't realize she was signing up for public scrutiny when she signed her nine children...er, husband and eight children...to a REALITY SHOW CONTRACT. Thaaaat's right, Heidi and Spencer are busting their asses trying to get attention, but Jon and Kate can do it by blinking. Maybe Heidi and Spencer should try working on a reality show. Y'know, without scripts.

Doctors in New York City performed a scan this week on a mummy thought for centuries to be a woman...turns out, the mummy's a MAN! And in an unrelated story, Perez Hilton got punched in the face...

Yes, fellow blogger Perez Hilton, who gained recent fame for his tirades against the "pro-opposite marriage, former Miss California" Carrie Prejean, got into a confrontation with the manager of the popular music group, Black Eyed Peas. A lawsuit filed by Hilton says he and the manager were at a nightclub in Toronto, Canada, early Monday morning when the manager came over and had a beef with how critical Hilton has been of the new Black Eyed Peas album. In a bizarre case of "the pot calling the kettle Black (Eyed Peas)," HILTON called Peas performer will.i.am a gay slur (I won't use it here because we try to avoid hate speech here at Thinking Hard...it adds nothing to the humor). So the manager hauled off and "Boom-Boom-Pow'ed" Hilton, punching him right in the eye. I can kinda see where both sides are right. The Peas are upset because they produced what they thought was a good album and didn't like Hilton bashing it. Hilton is upset because he feels he has the freedom of speech...that, and he's used to being punched in the BACK of the head.

-B-

A Tribute To Dads

Welcome, everyone, to this special Father's Day edition of Thinking Hard. It's a day to salute the people who, in the span of about five minutes, contributed to your existence, then put up with morning sickness, hormonal overload and screaming from your MOTHER for the next nine months. Or, as I like to think of this day, "Ah, if only I could have that five minutes back."

So, big daddy John McCain (y'know, the guy with the "Pro-Sex, Pro-Gay Marriage" daughter Meghan...oh, and I'm being told he also ran for president last year. Huh, who knew?) is spending his father's day learning about new technology. The senator posted a "tweet" on his Twitter feed this week that he just bought a new car. It's a 2010 Ford Focus HYBRID. He was apparently impressed by the 41 miles per gallon it gets on the highway and 36 miles per gallon it gets in the city. I'm not quite sure which part of this story bothers me more...the fact that he uses Twitter, or that he probably thought a "hybrid" was a stagecoach with the legs of a horse. He's old.

Speaking of older presidential candidates, remember that John Kerry guy from 2004? He's apparently starting another career, one that I'm SURE will be as successful as his career as "Guy Who Couldn't Beat The Village Idiot." Let's see here, it looks like he's going to be a...what??? A MOVIE PRODUCER??? He's asking lawmakers for $300k to produce a documentary about injured Iraw war veterans. Maybe he's hoping for lightning to strike twice, as the film's director is the guy who directed "Pumping Iron" about bodybuilder Arnold Schwarzenegger, who went on to have a high government position: "Maria Shriver's husband." Wow, Kerry's really stepping out on a limb for this one. If it's successful, he could always produce another film, or even STAR in the next outing. I'm thinking "Seabiscuit 2" or "How To Lose An Election In Ten Months."

If you're looking for something to do with dad on Father's Day, how about a trip to Broadway for a...WILL FERRELL COMEDY??? Yes, that's right. "Elf" is being written as a Broadway musical. It can now join the laundry list of "successful" movies that became musicals: "Shrek," "The Producers," "Legally Blonde," "Evil Dead," and the ever-popular "I'm Through With Trying To Come Up With Something Original...What's On TBS Right Now?" Seems like EVERYONE wants to write that one.

As long as we're talking about "What The Fuck?" moments, how about this one: the girl who went on "The Bachelor," won, then lost (on national TV), then went on to "Dancing With The Stars" only to lose AGAIN...is going to be a "special correspondent" for Good Morning America. What...The...Fuck? That's right, Melissa Rycroft, whose only claim to being a "Star" to dance with was getting the "It's not you, it's me" speech on NATIONAL TV...is going to use her appallingly-long fifteen minutes of fame to do 8 stories for Good Morning America this summer, according to an inside ABC source. She'll be travelling and doing fun stories for the show, all leading up to the final story: "Who I Fucked To Get Here."

Speaking of failed reality stars, how about this...Monday night, "Jon and Kate plus 8" will show a special announcement from Jon and/or Kate and/or the 8. Hmmm, I wonder what it could be. Possibly a "We're getting a divorce" bombshell...that everyone expects. What about a "We're selling the children to Angelina Jolie" statement? That would be fun. How about a "Jon's having an affair with Nadya Suleman" announcement? Um...ew. Let me bottom-line this for you: short of turning to cannibalism, there is NO ANNOUNCEMENT that show can make to make me want to watch it. It's bad enough when I know people in real-life that have marriage problems, I don't need to add these idiots to the list, especially with their 8 children. Oh, and I'm sure it was all Jon's idea. "Gee, honey, having 8 children sounds like a great idea! What, and you'd also like my testicles put in a glass case on your armoire? Here you go!" Seriously, if a marriage makes it more than ten years nowadays, it's a miracle.

Oh, and get this...Brian Williams did a live report from the NBC newsroom the other night with producers, writers, etc. working diligently behind him. Except some of those people AREN'T the hardworking staff! A source with NBC spoke to the New York Post (and I don't normally credit the Post, but this story's pretty funny). That source said some of the less attractive and heavier staff members were asked to MOVE and allow younger, thinner members of the staff to act as extras, including two interns who NORMALLY RUN ERRANDS. That's not to say running errands can't be hard work, but how about the people that wrote Williams' material actually be allowed to sit behind the man. Seriously! I know we have to gloss up the evening news a bit, but come ON! Apparently NBC now stands for "No Big Chicks." How about "'Nother Batch-a Cookies"?

If he should ever read this, I hope my dad knows how much I love him. I also hope he realizes that senses of humor can be genetic...and to watch what he says to mom.

-B-

Thinking Hard Hits One-Hundred...And One!

Wow, I can't believe I let this blow by me last week...the last post marked the 100th post for those of us here at "Thinking Hard." Let me just take a moment to thank all (twelve) of you who have been following the show since its inception and for those of you who think it's entertaining enough to recommend to others. This is truly some of the most fun I've had writing, and I can't wait until we hit #200!

That said, I have something special set up for this, the 101st show. I got this idea from this week's 13th Annual Webby Awards in New York. The winners had to limit their acceptance speeches to JUST FIVE WORDS! I love that! "Family Guy" creator Seth McFarlane got an award for his web series (currently out on DVD...you MUST see it) "Cavalcade of Cartoon Comedy." His speech: "What is this for again?" Arianna Huffington won best political blog for her "Huffington Post" (not nearly as funny as "Thinking Hard") and gave this acceptance speech: "I didn't kill newspapers, OK?" And Jimmy Fallon, whose takeover of "Late Night" seems to be going better than his predecessor's takeover of "The Tonight Show," had this to say about his award honoring his use of the internet to create hype about his show: "Thank God Conan got promoted." So, we're going to start the first-ever Whenever We Feel Like It Thinking Hard Awards...also known as the Hardy. (I was going to go with "Thinky," but that implies I put a lot of thought behind this...I didn't)

The "Humor Is Wasted On The Stupid" Hardy goes to Sarah and Todd Palin. Sarah's apparently still fired up about her loss during the Hottest Mess tournament back in March. David Letterman spoke about the Palin family's trip to New York earlier this week. In a joke CLEARLY meant for 18-year-old unwed mother and abstinence/condom/fuckinglikerabbits advocate Bristol Palin, Letterman said the Palins went to a Yankees baseball game and "during the seventh inning, (Sarah Palin's) daughter was knocked up by (Yankee third baseman) Alex Rodriguez." Hilarious to the crowd...and for anyone else who's not in the GOP...but not for the Palins. See, it wasn't 18-year-old Bristol who was at the game, but rather 14-year-old Willow Palin (you ever get the sense the Palins just went to an internet search engine and hit "Surprise Me" to find these names for their children?). The Palins are upset that Letterman would suggest underage sex (also known as statutory rape) is funny. Letterman went on the show Wednesday night and apologized for any misunderstanding, that he would NEVER joke about raping a child, that he has NEVER made such a joke and would NEVER make such a joke. He even invited the Palins on his show to iron everything out, but they're holding a grudge. Todd Palin was most upset about the insinuation that ALL the women in his family are a little..um..."loose." He gave us this Hardy acceptance speech: "Two whores are bad enough."

A runner-up for the "Humor Is Wasted On The Stupid" Hardy is Gretchen Carlson of Fox "News." But she DID earn the "I Had More Credibility As A REPORTER On CBS News Than I Do As An ANCHOR On Fox News" Hardy. Here now is special presenter...Jon Stewart:

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
Fox & Friends' Lingerie Football Romp
thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor Newt Gingrich Unedited Interview

The entire "Fox & Friends" gave this acceptance speech: "We're not homophobes, just morons."

The "See You Next Week On Fox & Friends" Hardy goes to Carrie Prejean. The now FORMER Miss California is out of a job. The executive director of the pageant fired Prejean this week because she failed to make several scheduled appearances (wow, I'm lucky I can't be fired from college...WHAT? I OVERSLEPT!). This, after the big hubbub at the Miss USA pageant when openly gay blogger Perez Hilton asked Prejean where she stood on the gay marriage issue, and Prejean said she didn't agree with it and she preferred "opposite marriage" over "same-sex marriage." That pissed Hilton off and he led an online charge against Prejean. Then the slutt...er, CLASSY photos of Prejean surfaced on the internet that were taken before the Miss California pageant. Prejean shows a little "Nip/Untucked" and signed a contract with the pageant saying she had done no nude modeling. But Donald Trump (owner of EVERYTHING, including the pageant) said Prejean could stay on as Miss California. But the executive director noted Prejean had been skipping scheduled appearances to speak out against gay marriage at unsanctioned events. So Trump canned her this week. Prejean claimed in her Hardy acceptance speech that's NOT why she missed her appearances: "I was panty-raiding Perez."

For those of you who don't know, the digital television transition happened Friday. Stations across the U.S. dropped their analog signals in favor of digital signals. The "Huh? HUH? HUH???" Hardy goes to the hard-hearing elderly, MOST impacted negatively by the switchover. See, the elderly had to call upon their sons and grandsons to help explain why they need a new antenna to pull in digital signals, then convert them to analog so these old people who do almost nothing but watch TV all day can CONTINUE to watch TV all day. I'm sure I will be answering phone calls in the newsroom for WEEKS from people who can't see anything on their TVs because they don't have the new antenna. Here's Martha Washington, 89, of Hooskow, Washington, to accept on behalf of elderly people nationwide: "Who killed Matlock?...I'm old."

That provides a great "transition" to our next award: the "Old People Do The Damnedest Things" Hardy. An Israeli woman this week admitted she'd been keeping her money safe from identity thieves and bank fallouts for years...by stuffing it in a mattress. Over the years, she'd accumulated almost a MILLION DOLLARS! But when her daughter bought her a brand-new mattress, THEY THREW OUT THE OLD ONE. You know, THE ONE WITH ALMOST A MILLION DOLLARS INSIDE. I can see how that would happen...I'm always misplacing A MILLION DOLLARS. Crews have been diving through landfills for days, trying to find the million-dollar mattress. The woman used her acceptance speech to explain the plans she had for the money: "I'd planned a Bingo binge."

The "Missing The Big Picture" Hardy goes to a driver in North Carolina last weekend. And by "big picture," we mean "train":

Obviously the driver missed the bells, the whistle...and the BIG FUCKING TRAIN in front of him. The driver's acceptance speech: "What train?...Got any Doritos?"

The "Revenge Sucks" Hardy goes to Helen Immelt of Monroe, Washington. A neighbor complained that she had been keeping chickens at her home and it was against the homeowners association rules. So Immelt got up at 6am, parked her car in front of his house and leaned on her horn for TEN MINUTES STRAIGHT! He called the police and she left, but she came back and did it again 2 hours later. Miss Immelt, here's your award...please give us your speech: "I couldn't find flaming poo."

Finally, the "Some People Just DESERVE To Get Caught" Hardy. This prestigious award goes to a 37-year-old Pennsylvania man. Last Sunday night, police say the driver sped into a police station parking lot, pulled between two marked cruisers (in a spot that's reserved FOR police) and took a nap in his car (I believe they call that "passing out"). An officer who went to check on the guy found an empty vodka bottle and a marijuana pipe. Congratulations sir. We let you sober up so we could UNDERSTAND your acceptance speech. Please give that to us now...

"Lindsay Lohan thinks I'm perfect."

-B-

I Am GM Owner #134276890

As .0000001-part owner of General Motors, I'm calling a board meeting in my kitchen this Friday at 9am. Anyone not there forfeits their share of GM to me. I'll be making cookies.

Helluva week for the American economy. General Motors gets bought out by...well, US. Hulu.com announces it could start charging for its content soon (well, there goes Happy Fun Video Fridays), Virgin Records (and whatever the hell else that company owns) denied it's looking to buy Playboy (because if there's one thing I know for sure, you can NEVER find a virgin in Playboy)...and if all that weren't bad enough, NADYA SULEMAN IS SHOOTING A REALITY SHOW!

Yes, "Octomom Plus 8 Needs A Date, So Why Wait? She Smells Like Old Fishing Bait" is now in production. Just goes to show you where a Hottest Mess Tournament win will get you. Suleman's lawyer says it will be less intrusive than an ACTUAL reality show, because instead of following the mobile third-world nation around 24/7, cameras will only be there for big moments in the family's lives. I can't WAIT for the "Birds and the Bees" talk...or rather, the "Bunsen Beaker and the Turkey Baster." The Netherlands-based production company has NOT yet sold the show here in the U.S. because, quite frankly, it would put "Inside Edition," "The Insider," and "Thinking Hard" out of business. By the way, does it seem strange to anyone else that Suleman's getting so much press from "The Insider"...since no man wanted to be "Inside-her?"

I have to go slice some pepperoni for a pizza I'm making, but before I do that, a 25-year-old Egyptian guy told his parents he wanted to marry a woman of lower class (which is a cardinal sin in Egypt...but the Lohan household seems to be fine with it). They said no. So he CUT OFF HIS PENIS! What...the...fuck????? That's the coldest cut of all. His name must be "Nick." Let's hope he's not planning to be a doctor..."Hm, could I get someone to circumcise my son who's NOT THAT GUY???"

Let's wrap this biz-itch up with a note from last week's Electronic Entertainment Expo in California. "E3" to some, "Geek Week" to me, it's when the major video game companies come together to show off their new hardware and software and give some men the hope that they will come up with a brilliant high-tech idea...that will eventually get them out of their parents' basement. They'll still have to pay to get laid, but at least they can do it without hearing reruns of "M*A*S*H" upstairs (yes, Kelsay, that was for you). Anyway, Microsoft showed off this new hardware that's a voice-recognition system and a motion-capture camera. For those of you thinking at an 8th-grade level or below, I'll try not to be terse about this: sometimes, game companies develop games by having actors come into studios and put on spandex body suits with little computer chips at certain points on the suit (i.e., elbow, head, penis). Then the actors act out the moves in the game, and the computer records the motions to give programmers an easier time of designing the video game characters body movements. Anyway, Microsoft unveiled a new camera that sits on the TV set and allows people to interact with game characters. Believe me when I say this...you HAVE to check this video out:

Video Games - E3 2009 - Video Game Trailers

Ho....lee....shit. I think I just wet my penis. WOO-HOO! HAT TRICK! I GOT THE WORD "PENIS" IN THE BLOG THREE TIMES!...is that "M*A*S*H" on upstairs?
-B-

Ever Have One Of "THOSE" Weeks?

Welcome back to Thinking Hard...or as I like to refer to it, my only release from homicidal tendencies.

Speaking of causing people physical harm, remember a few blogs ago when MSNBC's Keith Olbermann challenged Fox's Sean Hannity to be waterboarded for charity? Well, that offer is officially off the table. Instead, Chicago radio host Erich "Mancow" Muller took the challenge. Muller's been a contributor to the Fox News Channel and very vocal in his opinion that waterboarding is not torture. But earlier this month, he changed his tune. He got waterboarded in his studio. "I was laughing about this, that it was a stupid radio thing," Muller said. "I thought I could go 30 seconds. I'll hold my breath. Big deal, they'll sprinkle water. It is a big deal. It's torture." Muller even said it was WORSE than drowning, something he also knows about as he almost drowned as a child. Olbermann will give $10,000 to Veterans of Valor, an organization formed by Iraq War veteran Klay South to help injured veterans. Y'know, let me say "Good job!" to Mancow for stepping up to the plate. The guy probably did it in the first place because of his ego, but to have him vocally come out and talk about how bad waterboarding is shows class. Now he can go back to prank phone calls and naked celebrities in his studio.

While we're on the subject of waterboarding, President Obama is having some "Git-Mo' Money Blues." He's pushing to close Guantanamo Bay, but Congress is having trouble deciding if he should get the money to do so AND where the prisoners of war (hmmm...why do I suddenly think of John McCain?) would go when the detention facility closes. There's no congressman (or congresswoman) who wants the prisoners in their state. Really? You'll lock up AMERICAN-MADE bombers and cannibals, but the prospect of FOREIGN criminals makes you nervous? How about we just ask Senator Burris, from the President's home state of Illinois. Oh, wait...

Yeah, it turns out wiretap information out this week shows Burris DID talk to former Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich about a possible financial deal for Obama's Senate seat. But he was concerned about how it would look in the public eye. I wonder if Blago turned into a Sham-Wow pitchman with Burris: "Listen, you're gonna spend 20-grand a month on cover-ups anyway..."

While Blago deals with that problem stateside, his wife has DIFFERENT concerns. That's right, Patti Blagojevich starts her epic run on NBC's "I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here" tomorrow night. Surrounded by people like Stephen Baldwin, Lou Diamond Phillips, Janice Dickinson and Heidi and Spencer Pratt...Patti seems like the sanest one of the bunch.

Also, as long as I'm talking about reality show train-wrecks, let me talk briefly about Jon and Kate of "Jon & Kate plus a divorce attorney"...I mean, "plus 8." Monday night was the season premiere of the show, and after a spring of tabloid headlines suggesting BOTH Jon and Kate are having affairs, almost TEN MILLION people tuned in for the show! Holy f*ck! Many of the confessional interviews with the couple took place separately on that couch they're always sitting on. And neither one of them could stop their passive-agressive bitching at one another! Listen, if I want passive-agressive bitching, I'LL get married and irresponsibly breed a small third-world nation. Also, investigators are looking into violation of child-labor laws on the show, with regard to the 8 midget co-stars. Says Jon, "Investigation? I can't even tell them apart!"...seriously, you two idiots are poster children for abstinence. And not getting married. People arguing against GAY marriage, take note: if you hate the gays so much, why deprive them of this pain by denying them marriage?

Thinking Hard is giving out a special award today. The "City With The Grossest Workout Routine" award goes to...Oklahoma City. Competitors in a triathlon mid-May got sick after the race. Not because they ran/biked/swam so hard, but because of WHAT they swam in. See, the organizers thought it was BRILLIANT to have the athletes swim in the Oklahoma River. Problem is: the Oklahoma River has a fecal coliform problem. Yeah, there's a LOT of shit in Oklahoma, but apparently a good chunk of it is in the water. The "healthy" county of fecal coliform bacteria in any water in Oklahoma is determined as a 126-count per 100 milliliters of water. The water in the river the day before the race? 573! Man, I bet all of those athletes are just pooped out...

Any Ferris Bueller fans in the house? Bueller? Bueller? Well, if you are and have a chunk of money burning a hole in your wallet (and who doesn't in THIS economy), take note. The house where Cameron killed his dad's ferrari is up for sale. You know the scene: after a comical "Day Off," Cameron tries to turn the car's odometer back by running it in reverse on rollers. But hijinks ensue and Cameron accidentally knocks the car out the window and down a very steep drop. Then Cameron learns something about himselfblahblahblah... Anyway, you wanna buy a house? It's going to set you back $2.3 million. That house also marks the last place Matthew Broderick was a heterosexual...until he traded off for bestiality. OH COME ON! SARAH JESSICA PARKER'S A HORSE! In a recent interview, someone asked her if she loved Broderick...and she clopped one hoof for "Yes."

Let's wrap this up with a little music. Thinking Hard intern Katie sent me this Youtube link and suggested that I was the person in the newsroom background midway through the clip (strange that the makers of this music video used my newsroom). Upon close examination and a conversation with Mr. Zapruder, we realized the producer in the background is none other than Thinking Hard fanatic STEVE HASS! (Update: apparently this IS me...sorry, Steve) Enjoy:

-B-

Let's Go To Camp!

Welcome to the unofficial start of summer. It's Memorial Day weekend, and what better way to start summer than with a trip to camp. This item brought in by Thinking Hard intern Bridget: "Evil Dead: The MUSICAL" is coming to Charlotte. Now, judging by how many of you had NO idea who George Romero is and what his "Living Dead" movies are, this might take a little 'splaining. Back when I was a wee lad, a horror movie called "Evil Dead" was released to the unknowing public. It starred Bruce Campbell (if you don't already know who he is, chances are you don't know any of his other work) and was RIDICULOUSLY over-the-top in its plot and "special effects" (read: gallons of fake blood and re-animated corpse heads). Synopsis: five travelers in the woods find/read the Book of the Dead, victims are killed and then POSSESSED by demons, hilarity ensues. The film spawned "Evil Dead 2" and "Army of Darkness." In fact, you can see some of director Sam Raimi's trademark fast-paced, horror filmmaking in "Spider-Man 2" (yes, he directed those movies as well) in the scene where Doctor Octopus's arms come alive in the morgue and rip apart the bodies of the doctors on hand.

I digress. So, someone decided it would be fun to turn "Evil Dead" into a musical, presumably with gallons of fake blood to be tossed onto the audience as though they were watching a Gallagher "comedy routine" involving a sledge hammer and a watermelon. Bridget suggested I say a word about the term "camp." Wiki (don't judge me) considers "camp" a form of style that IS so entertaining because of it ridiculousness or irony. So, over-the-top is entertaining. The REAL question is...Is turning "Evil Dead" into a musical with singing zombies adding MORE camp to it...or just plain ridiculous. My initial thought is the latter, since it's very hard to add more camp to camp without killing its original intent...but I'll reserve judgment. Cue the tap-dancing demons for the intermission until the next story...

PATTI BLAGOJEVICH IS GOING ON "I'M A CELEBRITY...GET ME OUT OF HERE!" The wife of ousted Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich announced this week NBC offered her a slot on the "reality game show." So, apparently coming across like a profanity-spewing shrew whose husband was trying to make a quick buck makes you a "celebrity." Heck, it works for the "Real Housewives of..." Honestly, the jungle can keep Patti.

Speaking of REALLY bad hair, Donald Trump is getting ready to sue an author. I know what you're thinking: "With all of his mega-money and his twelve seasons of Apprentice, how does The Don find the time to even consider reading a book?" Answer: he has people read books for him, then tell him about them. He seemed to be really angry at the ghosts for pestering that poor Ebenezer Scrooge... Anyway, Trump's suing the author for labeling him a "millionaire" instead of a "billionaire" in the book. Trump claims it hurt his business. I have news for you, Mr. Trump...if anything's hurting your business, it's your presence. And your hair. But as long as your lackeys don't read the internet, there's no chance you'll be suing "Think*This part of the blog blocked on orders from lawyers representing Donald Trump, BILLIONAIRE*

Hey, if you're planning a trip to a national park this summer, pack your guns. Congress passed a bill this week making it harder for credit card companies to gouge your interest rates, among other things the credit card companies are wont to do. It's a great bill, but in the 11th hour, some a-hole in Congress tossed in an amendment that has NOTHING to do with credit cards: namely, it allows you to take a loaded gun into national parks and wildlife refuges (must've been a senator from Alaska). Now, I'm no naturist, but doesn't that seem like it defeats the purpose of a WILDLIFE REFUGE, where animals are supposed to be PROTECTED from guns, allowing guns??? Thinking Hard spoke to the two men accused of peeing into Old Faithful. They said, "Look, don't shoot! We're pulling our pants up now, nice and slow..."

This place gets my vote for Best Park Idea Ever: a sex theme park in China that featured explicit exhibits of genitalia and sexual culture is being demolished before it can even open. One wrecking ball is dismantling everything...wait, shouldn't there be TWO?

A sex theme park in China that featured explicit exhibits of genitalia and sexual culture is being demolished before it can even open. Talk about "the happiest place on earth."

A sex theme park in China that featured explicit exhibits of genitalia and sexual culture is being demolished before it can even open. Wait until you check out "Mr. Toad's Wild Ride."

A sex theme park in China that featured explicit exhibits of genitalia and sexual culture is being demolished before it can even open. I wonder if riders get shot out of the top of that park's version of "Space Mountain."

Finally, a woman in New Zealand was bidding on toys for her 3-year-old daughter and decided to lay down for a nap. While sleeping, her daughter bid TWELVE-THOUSAND DOLLARS on an earthmover, which is best described as a LARGE construction vehicle. Mommy woke up to an email from the seller saying she owed the money and that she was "going to love this earthmover." See also: emails I have sent to strange women.

CUE THE SINGING ZOMBIES!
-B-