It's Contagious

It's spreading like an epidemic! Rooms full of people are catching it! All it takes is one person to start the spread! It's...ignorance. Or, as I like to refer to it, the H1Nutjob Virus (see also the "Whine Flu"). It's sad, really, that what could be a spirited, intellectual debate about the future of America's health care system is being brought down by a shitload of ill-informed people at town hall meetings, the same people who somehow have learned to be the LOUDEST idiots of the bunch. Apparently, we're living in a situation of "Survival of the Loudest," or "I-Win-ism." Here's the deal: Obama's looking to try something new with the health care system. He wants to add a government program that doesn't just work with the elderly (Medicare) or the poor (Medicaid). Seems like a noble cause, right? Well, thanks to the hard-hitting "journalism" of Fox "News," Joe Public's Grandma seems to think that the government will soon be in the business of letting old people die. Really? Is Medicare that bad??? What these people who still can't figure out the internet SHOULD be concerned about is how the government plans to pay for this idea...NOT whether they will face a "death panel" (I STILL don't know what that is!). So, back to my point...the opportunities for these people to learn at the town hall meetings are overshadowed by the fact that they won't SHUT THE FUCK UP and listen for a second before they start shouting angrily at every politician they see. Really, people? Lord, no WONDER Bush got re-elected. For more on this story, here's Jon Stewart:

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
Healther Skelter
www.thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor Spinal Tap Performance

And how about a little love for Fucks "News"...

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Glenn Beck's Operation
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Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor Spinal Tap Performance

Y'know, I saw a book on the shelf this week called "Glenn Beck's Common Sense" and I thought to myself, "Self...(because I like to formally address myself)...look, I found Glenn Beck's Common Sense! Someone should REALLY return it to him." Now, here's my gift to you. When you have a moment, I implore you to read the House version of the health care reform bill, just so YOU can see what's in it...and NOT show up to town hall meetings like a screaming idiot.

I wonder if Heidi Montag/Pratt/Who? will have her new "augmentation" covered under HER health plan. She tells Playboy Magazine that she wants to get even MORE work done on her chest for her husband, Spencer Pratt. Look at that..at 22, Heidi's ALREADY making bad decisions for her marriage. I figured it would take at LEAST until she hit 25. Well, Heidi, it's good to see that Spencer doesn't love you for who you are. Also, how are you going to pay for this? It's not like you do ANYTHING that brings in income. Maybe a second MTV "reality" show, also called "The Hills"?

Here's something you don't see everyday...Lady Gaga, y'know, the chick that sings "Poker Face" and "Just Dance," says she's a hermaphrodite. Whoa, that's dangerous! I mean, if her blood is too thin to clot, then if she's ever hurt...wait, what?...oh, HEMOPHILIAC, huh?...my bad. Okay, well, I'm not one to judge someone based on their eating habits, but if she only wants to eat plants, then she...I'm sorry?...oh, HERBIVORE, huh?...my bad...well, then what does Herma-...oh. *gulp*

*ahem*

So, Lady Gaga said this week she's a hermaphrodite. Y'know, I still think she has a cute face. So what if she has a penis too? I'd be more than happy to give her a reacharound. How would I refer to her then? "Chude?" "Dick" seems a little mean... She also goes on to say that she has a tiny penis. Look, Gaga, I know you haven't been a "chude" for very long, but let me give you a little advice on being a man: don't EVER admit to having a tiny penis. Any woman that hits on you will never let you "Poke 'er Face."

-B-

Wow, what's wrong with HIS blog??

Okay, so let me start off with one of the major news events of the week...a guy walked into a fitness center in Pennsylvania earlier this week with a duffel bag, pulled out a gun, turned out the lights and fired 52 shots into a workout class. He killed three people, injured several others (including a pregnant woman) and finally turned the gun on himself. The media later found his blog, which had a bunch of written and video posts about himself...you can find it easily if you search the keywords "whiny," "I can't get any," and "Why am I so weird-looking?" Yes, Captain A-hole spends the bulk of his blog in a self-pity-fuck, trying to figure out why no women want to go out with him, especially since he's apparently better-looking than the next guy (if the next guy is the Elephant Man). Here's one of the guy's problems...he's 40-something and has a copy of "How to Date Younger Women" (yes, there IS such a book) on his coffee table. Really? I'm all for self-help books on dating, but how about we START in your own age bracket, THEN move on to the kiddie pool? Maybe he should have also picked up the book "Why You Shouldn't Take Others With You When You Commit Suicide." Seriously. I'm aware there are only a couple of handfuls of people who read this blog (thank you all, by the way), but I'd like to think you read this because I make some poignant thoughts and bring a smile or two along the way. We all have shit going on in our lives, but if you actually WANT to date someone, you have to stop looking for the "perfect mate"...who's under 30. In his final act, this piece of shit decided he would finally make people care about him. Oh, I care, all right...I care enough to make sure I DON'T become some worthless pile of crap with no respect for human life.

*ahem* Sorry about that...had to get that off my chest. Now then, congratulations to the newest Supreme Court Justice, Sonia Sotomayor! First hispanic woman to serve on the high court. That's HUGE! It's funny...the Daily Show played a clip of Sen. John McCain speaking during the senate debates over Sotomayor's nomination. He said it takes more than a great life story and overcoming strife (or something like that) to serve in public office. I'm sorry, but MCCAIN'S PRESIDENTIAL PLATFORM was a great life story and overcoming strife! (technically, he had to overcome more strife after he picked Sarah Palin as his running mate) Anyway, good luck to Justice Sotomayor. I can already see South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford giving her the "fuck me" eyes. Speaking of South Carolina, a big thank-you to the state that always threatens to (and might as well) secede...

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
Thank You, South Carolina!
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Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor Spinal Tap Performance

And as long as we're on the subject of weird sexual preferences, Ryan O'Neal tried to pick up on some hot blonde at Farrah Fawcett's funeral. If you think THAT'S classy, wait until you find out it was HIS OWN DAUGHTER, Tatum O'Neal, that he tried to pick up! He claims he didn't recognize her. Tatum was later quoted as saying "That's our relationship in a nutshell." Hm...I imagine Thanksgiving dinner will be interesting this year in the O'Neal household: "I'm just going to help out in the kitchen, probably try to stuff the Tatum...er, TURKEY! I MEANT TURKEY!...unless she's into that..."

-B-

Pick A Card, Any Card... (Updated!)

...ah, the RACE card. Excellent choice. This week, President Obama set up an evening of drinking with Harvard scholar Henry Louis Gates and his arresting officer, Sgt. James Crowley, at the White House. I was hoping someone would post viral video of the meeting called "2 Guys, 1 Cop," but nothing (have you no sense of humor, interwebs???). For those of you not following the story, here's a BRIEF recap: police got called to Gates's home about a break-in, found it was GATES inside, he got belligerent and got arrested, then accused his WHITE arresting officer of racism because Gates is BLACK. Come to find out, Sgt. Crowley is actually the guy in the office who's so NOT judgmental by color that he actually TEACHES his fellow officers how to avoid racial profiling. So, after the arrest, Obama's talking about health care and a reporter asks him what he thought about the arrest. Obama said he thought the police acted "stupidly." He later adjusted his remarks to give the police a little more credit than that and invited Gates and Crowley to the White House for a pint of ale (and then BIDEN showed up). Normally, this would have just been another arrest that would have led to hearing from the Revs. Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson. Why did Washington get involved? I blame my brethren, the media. Sure, people will argue that Obama didn't HAVE to comment about the arrest because he didn't have all the information. But he was pressured into it because a reporter asked the question. And do you know WHY that reporter asked the question? It's because President Obama is...wait for it...black. *gasp* I KNOW! It hadn't really occured to me either until I looked really closely at him. Anyway, my point is, the media wouldn't have asked Bush (either one of them) about the arrest, Harvard scholar or not. They took the opportunity to hold Obama's feet to the fire and see if he was smart enough to blow out the flames. How does that reporter sleep at night?

Moving off the topic of race...Michael Jackson's memoir is about to be reissued to bookshelves. Oh, but this time, there's something special planned. A MYSTERY CELEBRITY will write the introduction to the book. Everyone's keeping pretty hush-hush about who it is, except to say that it's a well-known celebrity who knew Jackson well. I'm going with Webster himself, Emmanuel Lewis. It'll probably go something like "I'm the longest sexual relationship he ever had with one person because I looked perpetually like a little boy." Either that or they're going to ask Bubbles the Chimp to fling poo all over the page.

Y'know, it was only a matter of time, but I'm surprised I didn't think of it sooner: a woman in New Zealand got pulled over for drunk-driving, and she blamed THE H1N1 VIRUS! She told officers the three glasses of wine she'd just consumed were more potent to her system because she was just recovering from the virus. The judge didn't buy it, saying the H1N1 virus was the "in" submission for defendants in his courtroom. Really?! How many "Not guilty by reason of H1N1" cases go through New Zealand? "Your honor, my client clearly set fire to that farm because he wanted to take revenge on the pig that gave him the virus..." "Well, counselor, if your client hadn't been a pigfucker in the first place, he wouldn't have caught ANYTHING. Instruct him next time to use a condom."

Speaking of disgusting, some librarians in Texas are putting together a calendar that's more "cake" than "beefcake." Yes, they're showing skin on the calendar to raise money for disaster relief for damaged libraries. I checked out some of these women, and I think I'd rather buy a male firefighter calendar. Sure, these ladies have tattoos and are showing a lot of skin, but they're not really pleasant on the eyes and some of them are probably too old to even CONSIDER being in a calendar. I know I'm not supposed to judge a book by its cover, but even I'M not going to buy a book with wrinkly pages! I'm okay with these ladies being leather-bound, but I'd prefer to be talking about their clothes and not their SKIN. And the best part is I went to the Texas Librarians Association website again to get a picture to post here (tla.org), and all the pictures have been removed. In fact, the only thing on the page is the words "Move along, nothing to see!" Yeah, no kidding.

UPDATE! Thanks to Katie for offering me the correct link with these lovely ladies of the TLA:






-B-

I Am Socially Awkward

Important party tip for you long-time readers of Thinking Hard: if you're speaking to someone you just met, then introduce them to one of your friends, make SURE you remember CLEARLY the name of the person you just met. Otherwise, they'll just introduce themselves to your friend...and you'll look like an idiot. It's a lose-lose.

A pretty slow news week this week...President Obama wants Congress to pass his new health reform, the republicans don't like it, nor do people making more than $350,000, who would end up footing the bill on the plan. As a guy who DOESN'T have three Jaguars in his five-story garage, let me say this: Get over it. You're not being taxed more because you're successful. You're being taxed more because you make a shit-ton of money, yet you STILL try to avoid the IRS. Piss off.

Also, today marks the last day in office for Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin. Let's see...Palin...Palin...why does that name sound so familiar? Ah yes, now I remember... former VP candidate, doesn't read magazines (or can't name them), has daughter who got knocked up out of wedlock, had spat with David Letterman over jokes about having sex with her daughters, was the focus of several ethics complaints while serving as governor, blames the media for not focusing more on the good things about Alaska (fishing and oil), possible presidential candidate in 2012 (God help us...no wonder that new movie suggests the world will end in 2012) and, most importantly, competitor in Thinking Hard's Hottest Mess Tournament '09. Hey, Sarah, good luck with whatever you decide to do next. Generally, employers don't want to hire me if they find out I quit a job mid-contract, but, hey, the american public REALLY doesn't know any better (see also: Bush Junior's SECOND term) so you do what you have to.

While we're on the subject of daffy chicks whose words become easier to ignore the fewer clothes they wear, former Miss California Carrie Prejean is writing a memoir. Yes, the 20-something woman who lost her crown because she couldn't be bothered to show up to Miss California events (to instead speak at anti-gay-marriage rallies) is writing a book. About her life. Let me guess... "Chapter 1: Birth-to-2009", "Chapters 2-36: 2009." Carrie, let me help you out. It's not that you spoke out against gay marriage to a gay blogger on national TV (not that anyone was watching). It's not that you had some risque photos taken and strewn across the internet and that show about YouTube...shit, what is it...oh, yeah: Inside Edition. It's that you were selected as Miss California, then didn't show up as Miss California to things that Miss California is supposed to do (whatever that is...trophy wife?) and instead used your tiara as a platform to speak out against civil rights. Tell you what, I've got the perfect title for you: "Angels and People Named Perez."

Anyone seen the new Transformers movie yet? Yeah, in terms of plot, it's okay. In terms of special effects, the movie-folk put a LOT of time into the details of the robots (too bad they didn't work more on the story). In fact, one of the producers said the scenes with that huge-ass construction robot (named "Devastator," if we're nerding it up in here) were SO intricate, they caused his computer to CRASH! That's AWESOME! I wonder if the computer made that transforming sound as it was dying...CH-CH-CH-CH-CH! (that's the sound...spelled out...shut up)

Finally, I thought this was a sweet story. A minor league baseball team in New York hosted a Lamaze class for pregnant mothers right in the middle of center field before their game last Sunday night. Other activities included allowing all pregnant mothers walk/run the bases. Funny, I would've thought they already would have been to third base...

-B-

And That's The Way It Is

Before we begin today, let me briefly mention the passing of a famous man. Michael Jackson is...oh, wait, no, that's not it...veteran newsman Walter Cronkite died Friday night. I know a lot of you who read this blog probably were NOT alive at any point before Cronkite left the air in the early 80s. I was only about 4 years old when he retired from CBS news at 65. Cronkite did it ALL. Every big news story you've ever learned about in school from the 1960s and 1970s, Cronkite covered it. The JFK assassination, the moon landing, the Vietnam war...this guy was the most trusted face in news and everyone listened to him. At the end of one newscast, he gave his opinion (something that was unheard of then...but RAMPANT now, even in LOCAL news) that he disagreed with the Vietnam War and thought it was a war the United States couldn't win. President Lyndon Johnson later remarked that he knew if he lost Cronkite, he lost middle America. Cronkite paved the way for such journalists as Dan Rather, Tom Brokaw and Sam Donaldson. And on a personal note, I know this following clip almost by heart, which is remarkable, since I wasn't born until some 14 years later. Cronkite was the standard by which we all studied journalism. And it's sad that he left this world at a time when many longtime television anchors are also leaving your living rooms. Economic cutbacks and general feelings that overpaid anchors do nothing have forced many newsrooms to cut their most well-known faces. Where does that leave us? I can assure you I have yet to meet any news anchor who can hold a candle to Cronkite, Rather or Brokaw. And with those names gone from the news, can the future of television itself be far behind? Thank you for your hard work and diligence for the American people, Mr. Cronkite:



Now, to the business at hand...MICHAEL JACKSON WAS MURDERED! Yes, it's true! His father, Joe Jackson, says so!...Seriously? It was announced this week that there may have been a deal struck with ABC News to pay $200,000 for video of an unaired reality show project with Joe and Katherine Jackson (Michael's parents)...and as a bonus, they got an interview with Joe Jackson HIMSELF! So former "MTV Newser" Chris Connelly (whose career can be seen spiraling downward two days a month, 9/8 central) sat down with Ol' Joe...and Ol' Joe spewed forth his theory that Michael Jackson's handlers (wranglers? babysitters?) killed the King of Pop because he was worth more dead than alive. And in unrelated news, the big-screen version of "Matlock" will star Joe Jackson as ace attorney/murder-solver Ben Matlock. Watch as he tries to pin a congressman's death on aliens, Bigfoot, Cthulu and Janet Jackson (because she's not speaking out about the "murder" like her sister LaToya...and he always like LaToya better anyway). Seriously, ABC? Hey, I tell you what.. you pay me $200, and I'll do an "exclusive interview" with you, rambling incoherently about the murder of my nonexistent son and how his children should come stay with me because "I have children their size." I tell you what, for an extra C-note, I'll even act like I have Tourette's!

Speaking of things that sound nuts, World Hunger Relief has a new spokesperson...Christina Aguilera. WHAT?! That girl looks like SHE'S starving! Why is she worried about if OTHER people get something to eat?? That girl needs a cracker!!! (and I, like Peter Griffin of "Family Guy," believe if I were to touch her, she would be sticky) Seriously, I saw her gain weight once and I started to feel better for her...until I realized she was pregnant and the weight was a small child! Well, at least you can put her on TV in those starving regions and make us believe that she's starving along with those poor children...unlike Sally Struthers, who apparently made her living EATING those poor children. And Twinkies.

Hey, the economy's still down the shitter. Hopefully this will make you feel a little better about it:

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Lenny Dykstra's Financial Career
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Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor Joke of the Day

I was going to post the July 13th interview with Barney Frank, but it's really long and I figured you guys don't have the time for that, so let me sum it up...
1. Barney Frank talks with a speech impediment
2. Barney Frank has a sense of humor..but he thinks he's funnier than Jon Stewart
3. Barney Frank is seeing someone (sorry, boys...this one's TAKEN!)
4. Barney Frank needs to put more S-words in his sentences

...And that's the way it is.
-B-

Is It Over YET???

Welcome back, friends, to Thinking Hard, and I have to start this blog with some sad news...Michael Jackson is DEAD! I know, I know, hard to believe. He'll be best remembered for diddling little boys and being the King of...

...wait, what? Haven't I already done this? TWICE??...yes, yes I have.

In what can only be described as a completely abysmal lack of anything to do, 30-plus-million people tuned in Tuesday afternoon (when they should have been working...maybe they're just unemployed...I hear that's going around) to watch a 4-hour tribute to Michael Jackson. Another SIXTY-PLUS-MILLION Jack-holes tuned in to watch it online (seriously, don't these people WORK???). And apparently the ceremony will cost the city of Los Angeles about $1.4 million. This from a state that has yet to iron out a budget and is already taking three furlough days a month for its state employees...in an economy where no one's hiring and everyone's getting canned. I saw a report last week with a guy who's working for the DMV and had to get free food from charity organizations because he's NOT WORKING and NOT GETTING PAID (maybe he also watched the Jackson memorial). Apparently working for the California state government is as lucrative as working for Enron in 2001. But, hey, as long as they were able to set aside $1.4 MILLION DOLLARS for a Jackson memorial at the STAPLES CENTER! Seriously, that's basically an overpriced state burial for a homeless person. They might as well have charged $20 admission for the memorial (or $100 for a skybox) just to compensate. That...is...fucking...weak. I realize Jackson did a lot for blacks/whites/grays in the music industry yadayadayada, but he's dead. It's done. I don't give a shit WHERE his body is right now (though, my standing theory is they used it to replace his figure in the wax museum. Let's face it, with all the plastic in his body, he's better preserved than ANY wax figure...though he might still melt under the lights...). We all know drugs killed him...I don't give a shit WHAT the name of the drugs are or if he killed himself to be marketed under the new name MARTYR Jackson. And let's face it...it's the media's fault this has gotten out of hand. A "One Week Later" live show from the Today Show? Really, Matt Lauer? Is this the new summer sweeps series on Today called "Which circle of hell is Matt Lauer drowning in?" I'm done ranting. Almost...

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
Rippy Awards - Celebrity Crypts
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Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor Joke of the Day

Ahhh....now I'm done.

In other things that are more interesting than Michael Jackson, a guy in Nevada went to court for the right to put a HOE on his car. Do not adjust your computer monitor...or your eyes. You DID read that correctly. William Junge wanted a specialized plate way back in 1999 that showed his love for Lake Tahoe. But when he was told "TAHOE" had already been taken, he decided to shorten it to just "HOE." Ten years later, the Department of Motor Vehicles took the 62-YEAR-OLD "HOE" lover to court to block his use of the plate. The judge in the case gave the ruling equivalent of "You gotta be fucking kidding me...why are we even here?" Hey, at least he got to keep the plate. Imagine if he was a tofu lover...

ILUVTOFU,
-B-

Shut Up And Read

(ah, if only it were that simple...)

Breaking News! Michael Jackson is DEAD! More on that in a moment, but first, some ACTUAL news...

Breaking News! Alaska Governor Sarah Palin is resigning her office at the end of July. Friday, Palin announced she would be passing power to her lieutenant governor at the end of the month. Perhaps she's celebrating her independence by declaring herself a sovereign nation? Anyway, Andy actually sat through much of the statement (I don't have that kind of patience) and said it only took Palin SIX MINUTES to blame the media (that's me) for not covering the "good stories" in Alaska. After THAT Trigg-like rambling, she announced ELEVEN MINUTES in that she wasn't going to seek re-election...and ANOTHER MINUTE to say "Hey, wait a sec...did I mention I'm quitting office at the end of this month?" Well, good to see she got to the point quickly. Yes, Palin referred to the "rich" history of Alaska, including when it was purchased from Russia (she can STILL see it from her house) in what's called "Seward's Folly"...which was really only a smart purchase from the oil standpoint. Anyway, in what I'll consider "Palin's Folly," she says she can do more outside of government than as governor (well, at least she can get away with more...). Andy also mentioned that Palin said in her speech "The world needs MORE Triggs, not fewer." Really?

So, can a brotha get a new job title for Sarah Palin? Some speculate this could be the start of a presidential bid in 2012. Um, Mrs. Palin, I realize you're "America's Sweetheart" for the uneducated, but is it really a wise move to have a blotch on your political career that says "Resigned in the middle of term in a major government office" when you're looking to run for president??? Hey, at least she thinks she can beat Obama. In a recent interview with Runner's World magazine (apparently the only magazine she DOES read...or at least looks at the pictures), Palin said she could probably beat President Obama in a marathon. Maybe, but only if she doesn't stop halfway through the race. In unrelated news, I've decided to cancel my subscription to Runner's World. That and the expose of how former President "W" Bush used velcro on his shoes instead of laces just make me question the journalism involved.

We'll keep an eye on Palin's career as it moves ahea...er, whatever direction it's going. Now, to the other big story: Michael Jackson is dead! Did you hear about this? If you're like 2/3 of americans, you have and you stopped giving a fuck about 5 minutes into the 24-hour coverage. Yep, a survey this week shows 2 out of every 3 people in the U.S. are sick of the Jackson coverage. Can't say I blame him. The POPE didn't get this much press after he died! Maybe if the pope had been diddling young boys...

In a story that has NO CONNECTION to Michael Jackson WHATSOEVER, a guy boarded a US Airways flight from Charlotte, NC, to Los Angeles this week...and got naked midflight! Totally naked. The plane had to make an emergency landing in Albequerque to get him off (pun intended). Hey, that guy loves to fly, and it shows. Apparently the skies aren't THAT friendly. His tray-table wasn't the only thing in the upright position! Maybe he should have flied Air New Zealand, which recently started showing THIS safety video in-flight to keep the attention of the passengers:



Yes, those people are naked with their clothes painted on...or, as I like to call it, another Monday morning at the office.

Oh, one more news item...Bernie Madoff got sentenced this week to more than 100 years in prison for running a scam on investors that netted him millions of dollars. The sentence means he will probably spend the rest of his life behind bars. But, on the plus side, he's already snagged an advertising deal. We here at Thinking Hard got an early look at the ad:



Happy 4th!
-B-