Like A Bear With CHAINSAWS For Paws

Big, exciting news here at Thinking Hard...we've been picked up for our first late-night talk show! WOOT! Now, as you know, the first episode of any program can make or break a show, sometimes a career. So we pulled out all the stops to get some BIG names on the show. Conan O'Brien is going to come on and join Desperate Housewives actress Teri Hatcher in what's sure to be a HILARIOUS segment where they race around the building and end at a finish line in the studio. That should be fun, right?



HAHA! HILARIOUS!...can we get a paramedic over here? Conan has a mild concussion.

Well, I'm sure our NEXT guest will be VERY entertaining. David Letterman asked to come on our first show to make an important announcement. This will be funny for sure:



HAHAHA!...I don't get it. Also, why am I getting a collect call from jail from a producer at 48 Hours?

Well, hopefully our next guest will bring a bright spirit to the show. She has a big showbiz background and a new book out, which I admit I haven't read yet, but I'm sure it's got a lot of stories of pillow fights with her co-star, Valerie Bertinelli. Please welcome One Day At A Time star Mackenzie Phillips...wait, what? We're out of time? Already? Well, I'm sure it's a great book and maybe talks about the importance of family. Be sure to join us tomorrow night when our guests include Hollywood director Roman Polanski! I bet he's got a big new movie to promot...wait, what? What "travel problems"? Well, we'll work something out.

How about THIS...Hugh Jackman doing live theater. Yeah, not such a big deal for the guy who hosted the Tonys, right? Well, one of his paying customers committed a cardinal sin in the audience...he didn't turn off his cell phone. Check out how Hugh reacts to the ringing phone:



Yeah, FUCK THAT GUY. It's rude enough when I'm in a movie and people will talk on a ringing cell phone, but to leave your phone on when there are LIVE performers on stage? That guy's lucky Jackman didn't go all Christian Bale on his ass, or they'd be done, professionally.

Speaking of things that are appalling, Sarah Palin's new memoir is coming out soon. I hear she's mulling over two possible titles: "Going Rogue" or "How The Bible Says I Should Be Vice-President, So There, Liberal Media." Hm...can't wait to see which one she picks.

Hey, the health care debate is STILL GOING ON. Meanwhile, President Obama, First Lady Michelle Obama and Might-As-Well-Be First Lady Oprah Winfrey spent Friday fighting a losing battle to bring the 2016 Summer Olympics to Chicago (Rio de Janeiro won). To be fair, I hear the Olympic Committee is against government-run health care. Anyway, so new numbers out this week show medical providers, businesses and other groups have spent $110 million this year on television advertising fighting about the health care overhaul. I'm sorry...what??? And the AARP is one of the biggest spenders??? Hey, old people bitchin' about how you don't want the government controlling your health care...open your good eye and take a look at how your money is CURRENTLY spent! Wouldn't that $110 million be better spent on more diabetes commercials with Wilford Brimley???

Speaking of "what the fuck" moments, the Wisconsin Tourism Federation recently had to change its name...because it found out its initials spell WTF. The mistake was pointed out by the Parents Eager to Nix Inacceptable Spelling. They're always looking for government loopholes to fill.

I'm all for people minding their own business, but this might have gone a little far. A couple in Massachusetts was standing in line at a Kentucky Fried Chicken (so you already KNOW they're classy...at least they bothered to get out of their car and stand for a minute)...and they started cussing because the line was moving too slow. There were some CHILDREN in line, so a guy asks them to stop. Police say the couple then BEAT THAT MAN as he was leaving the restaurant! Wisconsin Tourism Federation? They probably had their cell phones on in line too.

Now, for a parting shot...special G-20 summit coverage from The Daily Show:

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
Pittsburgh Irates
www.thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor Ron Paul Interview

-B-

Dip The Ladle

Welcome to September and the official start of the fall TV season. Gotta make this one short because I still have about 80 shows on my DVR to watch...from Thursday and Friday nights ALONE! You know you're trying to record too much shit when your DVR starts smoking. So, it's a sad day here at Thinking Hard. It's the last week for Intern Kelsay, who has taken an offer to actually EARN money and work DECENT, NON-OVERNIGHT hours in a different city. (I wonder if I paid people and didn't lie to them, morale would improve around here...oh, well) So, I've been searching far and wide and spoken to our japanese branch of Thinking Hard (in OHIO...it's only funny if you know basic japanese), and I think I've come up with something as a going-away present. No, it's not that video game where you slam your hands on the table and flip it, causing a giant scene in a video game restaurant (oh, Japan, is there NOTHING you can't come up with...besides cures for major diseases?). It's the new "personal mobility device" from Honda. Yeah, if you saw the Segway and thought "Wow, I can just FEEL obesity rates climbing around the world," then you're gonna LOVE this thing:Wow, seeing Honda's president using it doesn't make it seem awkward to use AT ALL. Hey, you know what? I've just come up with my own "personal mobility device"...a LEG. Tell you what, I'll even let you have it for a two-for-one deal! Fuckin' Honda. Speaking of awkward and fuckin' (no, I'm NOT going where you think I'm going...which would be the mental image of a Mark Sanford, Argentinian woman, NY Governor David Paterson 3-way..."At least I'm not in NEW JERSEY!"), Kelsay, I hope your first day on the job doesn't end up like one of the new cast members of Saturday Night Live last night. See, with Amy Poehler out on her own and Kristen Wiig presumably about to be checked into a mental ward, SNL needed new women cast members, so they hired a couple of unknowns, rolling the dice and thinking they could be funny. On your first day on the job, you really, REALLY want to make a good impression. So one of the cast members tried her chops at hosting a sketch called "Biker Chick Chat," a fairly unfunny segment (unless, I presume, you're a biker chick) that put the word "friggin" EVERYWHERE in the script. And you know, if it's your first major sketch on live TV, and the word "friggin" is all over the script, you just KNOW it's a recipe for disaster:
So, Kelsay, best wishes and caviar dreams. Just don't "frig" it up. -B-

You Ain't Tall, Midget, You Just Clever

Ahoy, me buckos...and buckettes...or buckets...and welcome ye booties to a special "Talk Like A Pirate Day" edition of Thinking Harrrrrrd. We have a lot of ground to cover toda...wait, what?...oh...I'm being informed it's also my birthday. Huh. Understandable. I bet my mom was swearing like a pirate hooker the day I was born.

Well, Kanye West got the ball rolling early for "Talk Like A Pirate (Hooker) Day." In case you missed his "MTV Hates Black People" moment, Beyonce and Taylor Swift were both up for best female video at the Video Music Awards last Sunday. Taylor won. In the MIDDLE OF HER ACCEPTANCE SPEECH, some bone in Kanye's body thinks it would be a great idea to jump on stage, grab Taylor's mic, say "I'm sorry, Taylor, I'll let you finish, but BEYONCE HAD THE BEST VIDEO OF THE YEAR!" Beyonce was embarrassed, Taylor was embarrassed, and after winning video of the year later in the show, Beyonce invited Taylor out to have her moment. Big ups to Beyonce...but Kanye? What...the...fuck? Here's a tip if you are EVER invited back to the VMAs: it's only a good idea to hop on stage and grab someone's mic if you're about to announce that there's a fire in the damn building! And you, sir, are no fire in no damn building. Though, to be fair, in all of his apologies this week, Kanye would've been accepted if he said he was abducted by aliens and THEY made him do it. After all, who ELSE would've left those crop circles in his hair??? For the record, that's not a race joke...that's a "Oh, come ON, KANYE!" joke.

President Obama spoke briefly like a pirate hooker about this whole mess. CNBC was setting up for an interview:

Now, that would have been funny had the media NOT in the room gotten a hold of the information. Terry Moran of ABC News later TWEETED (hate it, hate it) that President Obama called Kanye a jackass. Sure, his crack news team hears THAT, but not the part right after when he says "off the record." ABC News was too busy shouting to other newsroom workers "OBAMA JUST CALLED KANYE A JACKASS! HOW CAN WE PUT THIS OUT QUICKLY? TWITTER? OKAY! THAT SEEMS LIKE A LEGITIMATELY GOOD IDEA!" Moran later apologized to the White House.

Oh, and let's not forget about Serena Williams talking like a pirate hooker at the US Open last weekend. A line judge called her on a foot-fault (a RULE IN TENNIS, mind you) that happened to cost her a point that cost her the match and a trip to the women's finals. Her response? She channeled the ONLY good tennis smack-talker, John McEnroe, and threw her racket, then yelled at the line judge and threatened to, and I quote, "shove this fucking ball down your throat." Later, she said she did not threaten to kill the line judge. No, of course not. Didn't you hear her? She was offering to feed her. Maybe she looked hungry. Tell you what, let me put Seth and Amy on this one:


Ah, Joe Wilson. We'll be laughing at you for weeks...then wagging our fingers at you in shame.

But honestly, could there be a more embarrassing live television moment this week? Only the best here at "Thinking Hard," where an anchor tried to riff off an old chicken commercial, and failed. Big time:

I'm not sure what made me laugh harder: the co-anchor's eyes bugging out of her head...or the weather guy saying "I'll do that."

While we're on the topic of bizarre video and angry people, check this out: there's a new arcade game in Japan. I love the japanese people...they have the kookiest stuff. For example, no one in the US would ever think to make a meal out of seaweed, rice and raw fish. But sushi still tastes great (or so I'm told). But there's a new video game that actually puts players in a restaurant, eating and trying to get the attention of other people at the table...by POUNDING ON IT. Then, your character finally gets so angry that, well, you have to do THIS:

(Also, never have I seen a guy so NOT angry in a game that requires you to act angry.)

Let's move away from all this anger talk. This week, we lost an important Hollywood icon. Patrick Swayze died, proving his method acting WAS awesome enough to be cast in "Ghost 2: The Revenge of Demi Moore." He'd been battling cancer for months and actually was putting up a good fight, but eventually the cancer won. Not only did we lose a great actor, consider this chilling factoid: Don Swayze is now the most talented Swayze:




Okay, I'm out to pick up a pirate hooker. I think I'll let her "walk me plank."
-B-

YOU L....OSER!

Thank you for joining me for this special "Joint Message To All Thinking Hard Readers." First, I'd like to address some of the incorrect information being filtered about me through the media. The media says I'm helping illegal immigrants. That's not true.

"YOU LIE!"

Really, South Carolina Representative Joe Wilson? AGAIN?! On Tuesday night, Wilson did what no lawmaker in video-recorded history has ever done...been singled out as "That guy who heckled the president during a congressional speech." Yeah, President Obama was FINALLY putting out some information about that health care plan that everyone's bitching about...and "Joe Six-Pack" (more like "Joe Keg" if you've ever seen him) decides to shout "YOU LIE!" Dude, when you can force JOE BIDEN to look down and shake his head in shame, you KNOW you've fucked up. Now, to be fair, he did call the president shortly after the speech to apologize and President Obama graciously accepted it and we move on. Except there's a crap-ton of people who are pissed at him. John McCain, House Majority Whip ("Whip it good!") Jim Clyburn...shit, even people on his own African-American Affairs Committee bailed out two days after the speech! Maybe he struck a deal with Mark Sanford...because when you can replace a governor who flew to ARGENTINA to see his MISTRESS in media coverage, you KNOW you've fucked up.

Moving on, I got accepted to be a contestant on a reality show in Turkey. I'm so excited. Let's check out the advanced press releases on it...

"ANKARA, Turkey (AP) -- Turkish military police say they raided an Istanbul villa and rescued nine women who were tricked into thinking they were reality show contestants. They said Thursday that the women were held captive for two months. Turkish news reports say the nine women -- including a 15-year-old -- were made to believe they were being filmed for a Big Brother-style television show. Instead, captors sold their images on the Internet. They were rescued after some family members complained to police that they were being prevented from contacting the women."

...oh. Funny, I always thought the AUDIENCES were the hostages who were being mistreated. Seriously, have you WATCHED this season of Big Brother? Man, if Julie Chen wasn't banging the head of CBS, that show would be cancelled.

Have you guys seen the commercials for Ally bank? I LOVE this concept. The bank TORTURES CHILDREN for its ads! Check it...







And my personal favorite...



Hope you enjoyed today's "Thinking Hard."

...It's a piece of junk.
-B-

"Holiday" Weekend

Happy Labor Day weekend, everybody. Remember to take time out of your day off to remember those fallen soldiers who work in some industry (*ahem* TV *ahem*) that requires them to work on Labor Day. For those true soldiers, there IS no holiday.

So, in case you missed it, I was on vacation last week in Chicago. You'll recall I spoke of wonderful 60-and-70-degree highs. Well, it turns out I brought that cooler weather back with me. I landed in Charlotte and felt cool, almost FALL-like temperatures! It feels almost like football season! Oh, wait...

Speaking of, college football "kicked off" this weekend. Some teams actually got "the ball rolling" Thursday night...including Oregon and Boise State. Now, you will RARELY find a sports story in this blog anywhere because, frankly, I doubt any of you reading really give a crap about how many RBIs Jerry Hairston, Junior had the night before. But THIS is gold. Somebody PLEASE tell this guy that it's called FOOTBALL, not FISTBALL:



That guy really has an axe to grind. Oh, that reminds me...I will never see anything as surreal as I saw on vacation...as I watched my 55- and 56-year-old parents PLAYING GUITAR HERO...SUCCESSFULLY! They played a little "Turn the Page" and "The Boys Are Back In Town" with actual notes coming on the screen. It was so WEIRD. Kind of a special family moment...if I didn't believe I had walked right into the Twilight Zone.

Anyway, I digress. A big story this week out of the entertainment industry: Disney bought Marvel Comics. I'm going to repeat that for those of you shaking your heads in disbelief: Disney. Bought. Marvel. Comics. For some of us, it's reminiscent of the AOL/Time Warner buyout...or when the WWE bought every single other pro-wrestling outfit, thereby killing the competition. Fortunately, the Disney/Marvel deal doesn't make it a monopoly. It actually opens the door for some awesome marketing ideas. Who DOESN'T want to see Donald Duck team up with The Punisher? The Incredible Goof? The Amazing Spider-Pluto?...huh. Well, I guess we can always hope Wolverine will skewer Mickey Mouse.

-B-

I'm On A Boat

Okay, maybe not a boat, but I AM on vacation. Kicking back in the 60-degree highs of Chicago...SO much more comfortable than the heat and humidity in Charlotte.

Caught a little of the Ted Kennedy funeral coverage. It's hard to believe he's actually gone. Now who's going to drink all of my hard liquor and kill beautiful young women by driving off bridges? I mean, Mark Sanford isn't necessarily stepping up HIS game.

Anyway, you only get a Twitter-sized chunk of the world today because I'm on a boa...er, on vacation. But we'll have more fun next week. Now, I have to go referee what sounds like a fight between my sister's two pugs...I wonder if Michael Vick's available.

-B-

Make It Quick...I Have A "Death Panel" In 5

Welcome back to Thinking Hard With Andy And Blaine...or as I like to call it, THWAAB. Catchy, huh?

I would like to touch on an item that made it into last week's blog, a trivial tidbit of news that I almost decided to leave out because no one's talking about. There's apparently some health care reform bill going around Washington, DC, spreading faster than the flu AND the paper money that has traces of cocaine of it (y'know, THAT explains a LOT of the bills I see coming out of congress...). It's a discussion that requires people to READ and PAY ATTENTION at town meetings to learn what's in the bill..and realize a lot of the BS about "death panels" is just hyperbole being spewed by the same people who think President Obama was born in Kenya and not the United States. They also believe everyone's out to get them (but, hell, who's to argue with that?). I've seen all kinds of ridiculous town hall meetings, where lawmakers try to answer questions about the health reform bill, but no one will listen because they're too busy screaming about people killing their grandmas. ENOUGH! They're not doing their own research because they're afraid of the internet. They're not listening at town hall meetings because they're afraid their hearing aids will make them look old and feeble. No, their RANDOM SCREAMING makes them look old and feeble! Earlier this week, President Obama suggested he would take the public-option plan off the table. Okay, fine. Fuck you, old people. When you're shelling out your life savings for prescriptions, doctor's visits and unnecessary procedures from your current PRIVATE doctor, don't come crying to me. And more importantly, don't come crying to Barney Frank:

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
Barney Frank's Town Hall Snaps
www.thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor Healthcare Protests

(I love Barney Frank.)

Do books wrapped in GOAT-SKIN sound like something missing from your current summer reading list? Then run for governor of Alaska! The Associated Press got its grimy, newsprint-covered hands on a disclosure form this week from former-Alaska-governor, former-illiterate, current-bane-of-my-existence Sarah Palin. The form shows gifts she received while in office this year. They include (not making this up) a personalized gun case, a hand-painted plate with Palin's face on it (now available on late-night infomercials) and (again, NOT making this up) A BIBLE BOUND IN GOAT SKIN! Worst Christmas presents ever. Can you imagine Trig's 5th birthday party invitations? "Come on down to the home of the best soccer mom ever, but don't invite the liberal media. We're gonna celebrate Trig's 5th birthday! We'll roast some wolf and play a little "Put The Lipstick On The Pitbull." But you're not allowed to come without at least two dead animals on your shoulder at the door..dontchaknow."

Let's wrap this up with a stroll down memory lane. If you are big into FaceTwit or whatever it's called nowadays (you young'uns and your newfangled interwebs...back in MY day...), you've probably read and sent (REPEATEDLY...stop sending it to me!) the researchers' list of ways to tell you're old...er, rather, the list of research that reflects the current generation gap with this year's high school graduates. You know, it's crap like "They've never heard of Atari." Well, this year's Beloit College study points out that "kids these days" never saw Saved by the Bell on Saturday morning. For that matter, they've always seen NEWS on Saturday mornings. Y'know, I remember the days when I'd get up and watch Scooby-Doo and Saturday Supercade (google it) on Saturday mornings, essentially drying out my brain for any future intelligent endeavors. But hey, it was fun. Then I remember the first time a network put NEWS on a Saturday morning. I believe my exact response was "What the fuck is this???" The networks had betrayed me. All of my favorite Saturday morning cartoons..gone. Ah, those were the days. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a "death panel" to get to.

-B-