The Stings of Late Night

Okay, just want to get a quick shout-out there about a big news story that broke this week, one that has leaders searching for millions of dollars to help in the devastation...I'm talking about a big change here at Thinking Hard. Andy's ratings are down, so the owners have asked me to start my end of Thinking Hard a half-hour later.

(Though, seriously, help Haiti. Donate a dollar or 5 or 10...they really need help down there.)

It's been hard NOT to follow the Conan O'Brien/Jay Leno saga in the past several days. If you haven't been following it, Leno apparently agreed to step aside from The Tonight Show a few years ago and agreed that Conan was a good choice for his replacement. Then, in a classic Brett Favre/Michael Jordan move, Leno ended up coming BACK to NBC for an "Early Tonight Show" before your late local news. No one tuned in...therefore, no one watched your late local news...therefore, no one stayed up for Conan...and, of course, NBC blames Conan's ratings, not Jay's. Here, tell you what, Saturday Night Live's Seth Meyers has a great analogy, which, by the way, was noticeably absent from the SNL vids on NBC's website:



It sounds like the deal's gonna be somewhere in the ballpark of $30M. Y'know, I feel for Conan. He's been held accountable for shitty ratings on someone else's show. He can't help it if Leno tanked in his new time slot. Even NBC stations around the country were upset within weeks of the new show because THEIR ratings fell! No wonder Conan's so adamant about not moving to 12:05am ET. He got sold a bill of goods. Now, after Conan spoke out AGAINST NBC, Dick Ebersol, the guy in charge of NBC Sports, came out and said what it all amounts to is "an astounding failure by Conan." Thanks, Dick. Whatever drowns out the sound of your voice at that same press conference saying NBC is going to LOSE MONEY on the Winter Olympics IN FEBRUARY SWEEPS! Clearly, you are a brilliant man and no one should question your decision-making. Ass. Fittingly, Jimmy Kimmel said it best to Jay when he appeared last week on the "Early Tonight Show" via satellite: Jay, you have $800 million...leave the other hosts alone. NBC, you SHOULD be worried about losing a major talent...but you picked the wrong one. The one leaving with his stuff in a box? He has PLENTY more years left than the "frosty one" still haunting your studios.

Let's shift gears. First, I'm appalled that a supposed "man of the cloth"...Pat Robertson...can say the people of Haiti DESERVE the earthquake that has destroyed their lives. But let's be serious...he said it on the 700 Club, which has about as many viewers as Leno, so who's really watching? But speaking of people putting their feet in their mouths, let's take a look at what Rod Blagojevich has been saying:
(editor's note: the Daily Show link is experiencing an error...I'm sure it will be fixed if you come back, but let me paraphrase...in an interview with Esquire magazine, Blago says he's blacker than Obama, partly because his father shined shoes and his family lived in a crappy apartment)

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Blago's response?



(For those of you playing the home version of our game, that's 5 "Stupids" out of Blago's mouth in 30 seconds...a rate of 1 every 6 seconds.) I particularly enjoyed that clip because it came from Fox. Fox News: Where We Wish Blagojevich Would Use The Phrase "I'm Blacker Than Barack" More Often Than The Word "Stupid."

While we're on the subject of stupid things on Fox News...wait for it...Sarah Palin debuted as a commentator this week (though, the network execs had to explain that they were in no way referring to her looking like a giant baked potato...but she apparently had no problem with being referred to as a COMMON Tater). She appeared days after a 60 Minutes piece with a former campaign strategist for John McCain. The strategist said Palin believed it was "God's plan" that she be chosen as a running mate for McCain (because THAT worked out divinely for her). Hey, Sarah, let me help you...if God hated people that much, you'd have been chosen to run for president of Haiti. So, Palin showed up on Bill O'Reilly's show (and boosted his ratings) and said she had been advised NOT TO WATCH THE SEGMENT. Again, Sarah, some advice...NOT being familiar with the news is part of what cost you in 2008. Another part was not even walking past the tabloid newspaper rack. ("Alex, I'll take 'Magazines' for $200." "Alright, the answer is 'The name of a magazine.'"--that's the last time Sarah Palin was invited for Celebrity Jeopardy) She also spoke out against the book "Game Change," a behind-the-scenes look from one perspective inside the '08 election. The book insinuates that Palin is...um...what's the word I'm looking for...ah...dumb. The author said Palin didn't understand why North and South Korea were two different countries. That explains why she thought there were only 47 states ("I'd like to give a shout to my homies on the north side of Dakota...a "what, what" to all the sistas in the hoods in Carolina's south side...and a "Holla!" to my crew in Virginia: West-sayide! Represent!").

As I'm writing this in my broxers (that's for you, Holly), I'm trying to decide what to do next. My buddies just invited me to play a marathon of video games for no apparent reason. I hope it doesn't end up like what happened in China. A guy played a video game for 96 STRAIGHT HOURS!!! That's FOUR DAYS with no sleep! And, no surprise, this guy's now having major vision issues...as in HE CAN'T SEE! Figures. My mom always told me if I played with my joystick too long, I'd go blind.

While we're melding tech and sex (soon to be coined as "TEX"), a New Jersey company has developed the world's FIRST sex robot. Ah, yes, it had to happen. A robot, built solely to satisfy my every casual and unusual sexual whim, with no guilt whatso...wait, she WHAT??? At the Adult Entertainment Expo (buy your tickets now for next year), her creator grabbed her hand and she said "I love holding hands with you." Wait, WHAT?!?! That is NOT what I want my sex robot to say! She should be saying things like "I was hoping to hold something else" or something erotic like that! Well, at least I can assume she's HOT since she's a creation...HOLY MOTHER OF GOD!:



Y'know, in all of those personalities the creator suggested, I didn't hear ANYTHING about "Coyote Ugly." You want to hear something touching? The creator decided to make the robot after promising to recreate a friend he lost in 9/11. What...the...fuck??? (By the way, truly one of the creepiest things I have EVER posted in this blog...I think she qualifies to compete in the Hottest Mess Tournament in March.)

Let's wrap this up. A Canadian newspaper is wisely deciding to change its name. The fur trading magazine is called "The Beaver." I imagine it was popular on Google. Anyway, I can understand the confusion and embarassment. It must be a relatively new paper. Let's see, it was created in...1920??? And they're just NOW changing it??? What, did someone JUST tell them the joke? Well, they're totally scrapping the magazine because no one trades fur anymore. Instead, they're getting into the aviation publication industry, because, hey, everyone likes to fly. They're calling their new magazine "The Landing Strip."

-B-

Cialis...For Those Moments When An Underwear Bomb Burns Off Your Penis

Welcome, readers, to what we here at Thinking Hard like to call "The Party." Hope you all got your invites, because there's not much more embarrassing than throwing a party and forgetting to invite people. Well, that and calling someone at the party by the wrong name.

Hey, not sure if you heard, but Kanye West is Mariah Carey's AA sponsor. That would explain why she picked the most INOPPORTUNE time to get hammered...before a movie awards ceremony last weekend...where SHE WON! If you haven't seen the acceptance speech in its entirety, it's "Precious":



Mariah later came up during Nicole Kidman's acceptance speech and said "Yo, Nicole, I'm-a gonna let you finish in a second, but MARIAH CAREY HAD THE GREATEST MOVIE PERFORMANCE OF ALL TIME!" Keep it classy, Mariah. You'll be on Celebrity Rehab in no time.

Speaking of awkward moments involving musicians, you remember the big Adam Lambert controversy a few weeks ago, where he grinded (ground?) a male dancer's face into his crotch during a performance on the American Music Awards on ABC? The Smoking Gun website got its sneaky little hands on some of the actual complaints filed by actual people who actually have nothing better to do with their time than bitch (what were you expecting from a music awards show??? SOBER PEOPLE???). Many people said it was worse than Janet Jackson's nip-slip during the Super Bowl a few years back (I think more men were pleased with THAT performance). One person was upset that Lambert was flaunting his "lesbian rights." Another person didn't have a problem with the grinding, but said "Lambert must no longer be allowed within 200 meters of a microphone." My personal favorite is the person who said "I was tempted to break a window, and then use a piece of glass to slash my throat." Oh, come ON! If ANYONE'S going to enjoy Lambert's performance, it's certainly a drama QUEEN like that!

Speaking of having something explosive in your underwear,...uh....hm....awkward...

How about that underwear bomber from Christmas Day, huh? Yeah, he's been arrested, indicted and arraigned. That said, why wasn't the attempted attack by (much credit to Saturday Night Live) Wile E. Qaida caught ahead of time?:

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Seriously, the federal government missing this guy was about as likely as someone trying to attack the Pope at Christmas mass one year, security stopping her, and then she successfully pulls it off NEXT Christmas! What are the odds of that happe...oh. So, now, what's the future for civil rights of air passengers around the world:

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So, it appears the government's New Year's Resolution will be to be more dilligent in protecting Americans flying on planes. Perhaps they'd ALSO like to consider losing a little weight. I have the perfect diet plan:



Really?
-B-

Auld Lang Syne Language

Happy 2010!!! The decade of the "Aught" is over! No more "I really AUGHT to clean my den" or "I AUGHT to stab at least two of my co-workers right in the eye." No, this is the decade when we make shit happen! Woo-Hoo! (On an unrelated note, next week's Thinking Hard will be filmed on location in the Mecklenburg County Detention Center)

I have here in a sealed envelope the the top non-football cable program of the 2009. Now, viewers had a LOT to choose from, including the season premiere and finale of Mad Men (really, I can't recommend that show enough...it might sound lame, but it's pretty enthralling once you start watching) and the series finale of the highly-acclaimed USA Network mystery program Monk. Let's give the envelope an open and see which show...you have got to be fucking kidding me. The "Break-up Episode" of "Eight Almost Isn't Enough"...er, "Jon and Kate Start a Nike Shoe Factory in North Korea"...er, "Jon and Kate Plus 8" was the MOST WATCHED NON-FOOTBALL CABLE PROGRAM OF 2009?! Appalling. Though, truth be told, the media have absolutely fell in LOVE with this couple falling out of love this year. Kate played martyr and the guy we had sympathy for during the show became the douchebag. And the only thing that pulled our attention away from the endless string of pot-smoking chicks without clean underwear that Jon Gosselin hooked up with was that other a-hole who could keep his club in his bag, Tiger Woods. Yes, while many people will tout the endless availability of QUALITY PROGRAMMING on cable TV (specifically on the USA Network), it's nice to know that America will ignore it for 30 minutes of being able to watch someone ELSE'S marriage fall apart...so they can feel better about their own. Keep it classy, America. In unrelated news (and I'm not making this up either), Fox News was the most watched cable news network in 2009.

While we're on the subject of people who should NEVER have procreated, let me take a quick moment to ask America this question...WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING TO YOURSELVES??? I was at a mall today and witnessed what appeared to be a father and a mother pulling on a child in opposite directions. In fact, neither one of them would let go and mall security had to be called in to break it all up. Really? Should you two people REALLY have been allowed to have a child??? I constantly see families who CLEARLY should not be raising the future of America. That's why I'm asking Congress to begin a maternity test and a paternity test. No, they won't be the types of tests that are followed with the result: "You ARE NOT the father!" Yes, I'm asking lawmakers to put Maury Povich out of a job. Give potential mothers and fathers a simple psychological-emotional-spelling test BEFORE they have children. Require them to have a permit before they can conceive. C'mon, it's not any more ridiculous than the bickering over a health care plan that REALLY should be in place by now.

So let's start the new year right. Let's slap the idiots around that deserve to be slapped. And that includes many of the twits on Twitter. It's no secret that I think people who have the time to spend in front of a computer reading 160-character "tweets" all day really could be doing something more productive, like writing stories for newscasts. But a website called "The Oatmeal" put together a list of the top ten things you should STOP tweeting about. And I agree with it:

1. What you are eating
2. Social media
3. The conference or event you're at
4. Twitter itself
5. Your workout
6. Your child, dog, cat, goat or whatever else
7. Any tweeted statement that is out of context
8. Dailybooth photos (Dailybooth is apparently a website where you can take daily photos of yourself and talk about them...think the "I don't care if you don't care" attitude of Twitter plus "Does this webcam make me look fat?")
9. Emotional Breakthroughs
10. The number of followers you have

And, seriously, if you have enough time to use Twitter, you have enough time to use Facebook or Myspace, and if you have enough time for that, you have enough time to email, and if you have enough time to email, you have enough time to pick up a damn phone and talk to someone like a normal fucking human being!

(*ahem* Actually, as I see more of The Oatmeal, which is operated by one guy, I enjoy it, so find it now in the Friends of the Show section.)

It's no surprise, then, that the college in Michigan that comes up with the list of words that should be banned from the english language included "Tweet" this year. That includes ALL words associated with "tweet," "twitter," or any other form therein. Also making the list: "Czar." You know, with all the czars that President Obama has appointed, there almost needs to be someone to oversee them all. A Czar Czar, perhaps. The list includes "sexting," which I'm sick of hearing about...but certainly not sick of reading about on my cell phone. Seriously, why won't anybody sext me back? The ban would also include the use of the word "friend" as a verb. Intern Jessica, I'm looking at you...as in "Why won't you friend me???" Also making the list...any fake word using "Obama" as a base, like Obamanomics, Obamania, Obamananarama, etc. Finally, the list includes some of the douchiest things I've ever heard, like "Bromance" and "Chillaxin'." I think if the school had the opportunity, it would ban MTV on principle. (I think the word "Snooki" will be on next year's list...along with "Jersey" and "Shore")

So, I'm going to wrap this up with what I think will happen in 2010:

1. Major transportation crash (plane, train, monorail, etc.)
2. Four more "I hate America" recorded messages from Osama bin Laden...and one "I miss you" card on Valentine's Day
3. A major celebrity couple will get divorced, possibly after a scandal
4. A major celebrity scandal will pop up
5. At least three celebrities you HAVE heard of will pass away...along with another TWENTY you have never heard of
6. America will win at least 10 gold medals at the Winter Olympics...but will NOT be the winningest country at the games
7. A major free community website will either go belly-up or will being charging for its service
8. A new or remodeled version of the iPod
9. News will come out that at least one bank has been squandering its bailout money
10. President Obama will burn down at least one bank for the insurance money
11. Cars will fly

I'm REALLY hoping for that last one. I'm tired of dealing with other drivers...who are arguing with their spouses about their children. Can't we all just chillax?

Happy 2010!
-B-

I'll Be Holmes For Christmas

Welcome, friends, to the post-Christmas-letdown edition of Thinking Hard. That feeling of indifference and "blah" going through your system right now? It's your body reminding you that Christmas is done and over with for another 364 days...or you just miss Brittany Murphy's acting THAT MUCH. I'll never tell.

Yes, sad news from the entertainment world: actress Brittany Murphy died this week of a heroi...er, *ahem*, a HEART problem. Murphy was perhaps best known for her work as a young, impressionable girl with crazy eyes in "Clueless"...or as a mental case with crazy eyes in "Don't Say A Word"...or as a woman with crazy eyes in REAL LIFE. No exact cause of death has been released yet, leaving many to speculate if and how many drugs were involved. But one thing's for sure...THIS is the celebrity actress death that should've been overshadowed by Michael Jackson.

While we're on the subject of crazy women, I hear the Pope hates them:



Yes, a mentally ill woman jumped a barricade at Christmas Eve mass at the Vatican and ATTACKED THE POPE (thereby ensuring her name will be on next year's "Naughty" list)! The Pope's okay...I mean, she didn't BITE him and turn him into a Zombie Pope (a new series that should come out from Marvel Comics) or anything...but, apparently, she tried the same thing LAST year and was stopped by security in time. Look, two things: 1. Security stopped her LAST year but not THIS year? What, are they upset about cutbacks in the Vatican? Have they been told to stop taking the corporate jet??? 2. If you are this woman's family, if she keeps saying "I'm just going for a short walk" around MIDNIGHT on CHRISTMAS EVE, maybe you want to consider...I don't know...STOPPING HER??? How about tying her to a chair or something...I'm sure you have a crapload of GARLAND you can use!

While we're on the subject of people who are nuts and the security people who ignore them, how about the asshole who's keeping me from getting my Ipod out of my carry-on bag while on an airplane? I'm talking about the sonuvabitch who tried to light a bomb on a plane over Detroit Christmas day. He ended up botching it and instead of an explosion, he started a fire. Passengers held him until the plane landed. Seriously? DETROIT??? Did al-Qaeda not hear how FUCKED Detroit is? He'd have been better off blowing up a plane over OMAHA! Also, because of this fuck-up, the FAA will no longer let any passengers access their carry-on bags mid-flight. So if I take a book on the plane to read and I change my mind and decide to play my Nintendo DS, I can't. Worst part? This guy's dad apparently expressed concern that his son was getting into trouble with al-Qaeda a MONTH before the attack! Sure, the IRS can spend the time and manpower trying to figure out if I pay my taxes, but government agents can't look into this dumb shit??? They're apparently too busy enforcing that new health care bill...oh, wait, IT'S NOT PASSED YET!

You think I'M upset??? Check out what MSNBC's Dylan Ratigan did to democratic congresswoman Debbie Wasserman Schultz of Florida during a live interview a week ago:



Y'know, a show where a newsman interviews himself for two hours...I think I could produce that. I have some experience...

Hey, I went Christmas Day to see the new "Sherlock Holmes" film with Robert Downey, Junior, and Jude Law. A charming film, but I would've enjoyed it better if I wasn't in a packed theater. Seeing it in a packed theater on Christmas Day gave me a little santa-claustrophobia.

Adding a couple new "Friends of the Show"...Fail Blog and Cake Wrecks Blog. Both are fun, and they occasionally offer great spelling errors seen in the wild. Enjoy!

While we're on the subject, Central Connecticut State University (School mascot: the Wherethefuckisthat) recently released its survey of most literate cities in the U.S. Seattle ranked at the top of the list of 75 cities. Charlotte, North Carolina, ranked 27th, just three spots ahead of Chicago...and 12 spots behind Lexington, Kentucky (really??). Let's see the last city...I'm sure it's somewhere in South Carolina...ah, better...El Paso, Texas. It's unfortunate that those texans can't learn what "cerveza" means...maybe they should go back to school.

And speaking of EPIC FAILS, Hewlett-Packard apparently has NO black people testing their products. HP recently came out with a new webcam that will track the user's face. Pretty cool...until customers started realizing the camera DOES NOT RECOGNIZE BLACK FACES!



In other news, HP will change its name to Hitler-Packard. "Hitler-Packard: working to erase everyone who's different than us." (I like how the guy in the video uses the term "blackness" like "computer virus.")

Actually, HP isn't NEARLY as bad as Kentucky Fried Chicken, which released THIS commercial in the UK, showing white fans how to deal with an awkward situation at cricket games (cricket's a sport, unlike NASCAR...I'm looking at YOU, Associated Press members who chose Jimmie Johnson as Athlete of the Year). Check out this ad and see if YOU can tell what's wrong with it:



The correct answer is: "Pepsi MAX??? Who drinks Pepsi MAX???"
-B-

The MOST wonderful time of the year? REALLY?!

Try telling that to the poor fuckers I left behind at O'Hare last night (after a 3-hour delay myself) who were trying to fly to DC or New York. In fact, I brought out a classic video clip that STILL works for this storm:



Let's heat things up for you in this winter storm...the high-priced call girl who brought down New York Governor Eliot Spitzer is now doing an ADVICE COLUMN! Hey, you KNOW it'll be awesome advice. After all, when this whole Tiger Woods thing got big, she said "At least I had the common sense to keep my mouth shut"...well, except for that one part, but he paid extra for it.

Speaking of keeping warm in bed, I am NOT one to promote Twitter. I think it's asinine and the people who use it apparently think they're more important than they really are. That said, ONE guy put it to good use. See, his buddy and his buddy's new wife asked him to house-sit while they went on their honeymoon. So, in his time, he RIGGED THEIR BED to update Twitter when they were having sex! It includes weight, length of time, a FRENZY RATING...even a JUDGE'S comments! Check this out...this is how their first "outing" started on Twitter: "They're on the job! #2 - Action commenced at 15.50GMT. Weight: 151KG." Here's how it ended 22 minutes later: "They're off the job! #2 - Action concluded at 16.12GMT. Duration: 22 m.05 s. Frenzy Index: 4 (easy listening). Judge's Comment: 'Good work!' 8:12 AM Dec 11th from Power Twitter" In an unrelated note, I'm available for housesitting...

I have to tell you, it's good to be back in town after all the crazy snow. No real cataclysms on my holiday break...just some real Christmas cheer for once. So, I'd like to spread a little cheer myself, especially for you Guitar Heroes and Rock Band members out there:



...okay, maybe this Guitar Hero thing is getting a little out of hand. Nothing says "Daddy doesn't have any time for you" like hooking up a giant Guitar Hero game to the garage.
-B-

It's Bat-Shit Cold Up Here!

Greetings from the frozen tundra of Chicago, Illinois. I'm here for the next week and a half for the holidays. Local temperature: 6 degrees. Or, as I like to call it, "stupid cold."

Didn't want to leave you readers hanging over the holiday, so here are a couple of quick hits...

*At last count, nine different women claim to have slept with Tiger Woods (and none of them are very attractive). Looks like Tiger's gunning for the new holiday classic, "The Twelve Lays of Christmas."

*Color giant Pantone (yes, they specialize in colors...all of them) has selected the 2010 Color of the Year. And the winner is...TURQUOISE. Turquoise would have been here to accept, but he's currently on tour at a bunch of indian reservations, so Fuschia will be accepting...and Baby-Puke Yellow will be sitting in the audience, trying to figure out who she has to sleep with to get the damn award next year.

*Hey, who says you can't be SMART to work at Fox News? You just have to PLAY dumb to the lowest common denominator:

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And a little something extra for your stocking...

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Beck - Not So Mellow Gold
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I was told there would be no math...or spelling.
-B-

I Have A Feeling I'm Forgetting Something...

...ah, well, it'll come to me.

Speaking of forgetting things, it looks like I forgot a few choice gift ideas in last week's Black Friday blog. If you like poo, and who doesn't, might I suggest a reindeer-dung necklace from the Miller Park Zoo in Bloomington, IL. Yes, the $15 "limited-edition" (because, hey, we can't do this all day) Magical Reindeer Gem pendant necklace contains dried, sterilized (oh, yeah, that makes me feel MUCH better) reindeer droppings, SPRAYED WITH GLITTER, on a beaded chain. Because nothing says "See, honey, Santa and his reindeer ARE real...here are the carrots you left for Prancer" like a reindeer-shit necklace. Still, it sure beats a lump of...ew...in your stocking.

And for the people who can't EVER seem to figure out where they're driving (and if they like drugs), SNOOP DOGG is doing some voice work to give you directions on your GPS. Oh, sure, THAT'S gonna help...what fucking direction is LRIZZLE???

Hmm...I swear there was something else I was going to talk about. Let me turn on some Chinese TV...it always helps me remember. Ah, it looks like EA has the new Tiger Woods PGA Tour game demo out:



OH! THAT WAS IT! Yes, if you've been avoiding the television like the plague this week, you missed the fact that Tiger crashed into a fire hydrant and tree outside his home early Black Friday (which is odd, because usually when Tiger drives, he misses both the water AND the trees). His wife said she used the first thing she had available...a FIVE-IRON...to break out a rear window and pull Tiger out of the car. Later, it came out that Tiger's had a few...um...shall we say LIAISONS with other women. Apparently when he was talking about playing 18 holes at Pebble Beach, he was NOT talking about golf. So now there's talk that Tiger's wife might have attacked him and he drove off to get away. Now, while there's talk that he might have to pay his probably-soon-to-be-ex-wife millions of dollars, don't feel bad for Tiger just yet. EA and Nike have both said they're sticking with Tiger as a spokesman, and he's just picked up a sponsorship deal from the car safety device, The Club. Now, he's going to need a new club to replace the one wrapped around his head...er, I mean, used to heroically save his life...but he's already got one handy: the Tire Iron. Let's see what Saturday Night Live has to say about this whole thing:



And while we're talking about getting a little piece of ass on the side, check out this picture UNPHOTOSHOPPED to promote a Sesame Street appearance on "The Tyra Banks Show:"



Hey, don't get upset with CM...he did it all for the cookie, uh-huh, the cookie, uh-huh, so you can take that cookie and stick it up your a...

-B-