So You Brought Zima And Condoms..To Teach Her A Lesson?

Oh, you know it's gonna be a sweet blog when the title refers to the "Dateline: To Catch A Predator" series. For those of you young'uns out there who never enjoyed the pedophilic fun, here's a brief primer: NBC gave reporter Chris Hansen free reign to work with a shitload of anti-pedophile activists to entrap them at homes by convincing them online that there were teenage boys/girls home alone who were easily imbibed with alcohol. There were hidden cameras all over the house. And the "bait boy/girl," who was generally a young-looking woman of legal age, would say "Come on in and sit in the kitchen, I just have to get something from upstairs." Idiots enter the kitchen...and in walks Chris Hansen and a photojournalist to do a brief "So, what are you doing here?...oh, you just wanted to teach him/her a lesson about internet safety...and that's why you showed up naked (no joke, it happened on at least one occasion and was NOT pretty) with a 6-pack of Zima and a box of condoms...let me read back some of the transcript from your online conversation...she said 'I might be too young for you,' and you said 'You've got to learn sometime' (seriously, this was my favorite part of the interview)." And after Hansen grilled them for a few minutes and they appeared shameful, he let them leave. Which they did...into the waiting hands of sheriff's deputies outside. It was such an awesome show that had to be canceled when one of the guys killed himself (not on camera). In fact, when it started, the guys were confused when they first saw Hansen walk into the kitchen. But then, you could tell the show was gaining popularity because the pedos recognized Hansen as soon as he walked in. It was great! So, with all of Hansen's work with hidden cameras, imagine my surprise when HANSEN was caught on hidden camera walking into a Palm Beach hotel with a woman 20 years younger than him (a reporter, too, no less) who's not his wife...and not walking out until the next morning. Also, the National Enquirer broke the story. Yes, catching famous men cheating on their wives IS what's keeping the Enquirer in business. "So, Mr. Hansen...you brought this woman to a hotel for the night to teach her a lesson about reporter ethics?"

One might assume that ALONE would make this an awesome week for me...but OH NO. Not by a LONG shot. Have you perhaps heard about this Florida mom on trial for killing her young daughter? I know, it hasn't really been in the headlines lately (seriously, there's a series of fucking APPS for this trial!). Her name's Casey Anthony and, in a horrible yet honest vision of my dating life, she was attractive enough (before the jail time waiting for her trial) that I probably would've tried to pick her up in a bar. So the trial's kind of been a media circus, but the judge appears to not be putting up with any shit, which is kind of awesome...especially when a news photographer in the courtroom saw a guy in the audience flip off the prosecutor and that photographer TOLD THE JUDGE! Surely this kid will get off easy because he's 28-year-old TGI Friday's server (who probably lives in his parents' basement), right?:



Downside, that kid won't survive 6 MINUTES in jail, let alone 6 DAYS. Upside, he might like it...and those shiny handcuffs probably could be considered "flair" if he doesn't get canned at TGI Friday's. Douche.

So, you're sitting there thinking "Okay, Blaine, so there were a couple of pretty funny stories this week for Thinking Hard, but I'm still not convinced it was one of the best weeks ever based only on TWO stories." Well, first, fuck you. I'm the one writing for an hour online...all you have to do is read and watch it. Second, I'm not done yet. Not even close. See, there was a verdict in ANOTHER big trial this week that I've SOOOOO been looking forward to. Former Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich (a Democrat) has been on his second trial for fraud/corruption/what else ya got charges after he was caught on a wiretap trying to sell President Obama's old Senate seat after he was elected to the White House. The first case ended in a mistrial. The second time around, he spent FOUR DAYS on the stand, blithering and babbling incoherently, making me wish I was a court reporter in Chicago. Blago's been convinced all this time he'd be acquitted...let's see how THAT worked out for him:

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Con Hair
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I wonder if he'd consider selling his hair because IT'S fucking golden.

(Public service announcement: people on Twitter are sending out a total of 200 million tweets a day...really, people? I think it's time to cut back, don't you? -- That public service announcement was less than the maximum characters for a tweet...don't make me tweet that.)

While I'm talking about bad habits, let's look at another fantastic piece of video. This time, we're looking at a breaking news report from a fire in Houston at an abandoned business with tanks that used to store petroleum. I should also point out that Texas has been dealing with REALLY dry weather and wildfires. For 20 points, see if YOU can figure out what the reporter is doing wrong here:



That guy sent out an apology on the station's Facebook page to assure angry viewers that he was standing on CONCRETE when he put out his cigarette. And he pulled an Ashlee Simpson on SNL when he blamed a "technical glitch" for the reason he was caught on air smoking. Dude, it wasn't the glitch that people were upset about...it's that you were around an already flammable situation with a lit cigarette. Next time, just chew the gum until you get back in the live truck.

I can see I"m starting to win you over, but it's not quite enough. You're thinking "Blaine, this is entertaining, but it needs to be BIGGER. Do you have anything in a Size 12 politically awkward moment?" You're in luck...courtesy Chris Wallace on Fox News talking to Republican presidential candidate Michele Bachmann (also a Minnesota congresswoman):



Wallace later apologized. But you don't seem quite sold just yet. "Bigger," you demand. Well, I will tell you I am here for the PEOPLE! RISE UP AND BE HEARD! YOU WANT BIGGER, I'LL GIVE YOU THE BIGGEST I'VE GOT (that one's just for the online predator people watching Thinking Hard):

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Aaaaand I'm spent. Thank goodness I keep this 6-pack of Zima handy.

-B-

Making So Much Out Of So Little

Welcome back, readers...I hope you all survived the weekend threat of drunk drivers. Yes, it's the summer, or as we here at TH like to call it "Darwin Season." See, it seems more people like to drink more during the summer (alcohol, by the way, does NOT cool you off...instead, it just serves to dehydrate you further...drink water) and then they get into their cars and drive drunk. Take Ryan "I'll Live Up To This Show's Name Someday" Dunn, who was one of the guys in "Jackass." Dunn died after drinking and speeding at 140 MPH (!!) and crashing his car. Now, I'll give you that any deadly accident is tragic. But what's more tragic is his buddies aren't learning from this. They figured he'd die in a car crash someday. No joke. They even joked about it behind the scenes of "Jackass." Also, Bam Margera got REALLY pissed off when Roger Ebert posted this tweet: "Friends don't let jackasses drive drunk." I mean REALLY upset. Bam was dropping f-bombs and ripping on Ebert. Roger took the high road and apologized soon after, but I question whether Bam will really learn anything from this. I'm not condoning Ebert's joke (moreso the timing than anything else), but Bam, if you REALLY care about your buddy's death, you'll hop right on the television and internet and start doing a shitload of "Don't Drink and Drive" commercials. Don't just get pissed off at Ebert...because, quite frankly, he's right. You guys knew Dunn's behavior was dangerous and you just let him keep on doing it. That makes you assholes. So don't be a dick, Bam...get out there and prevent someone else's buddy from making the same mistake.

I'll step off my soapbox for an instant... to make room for Jon Stewart. James sent me this clip of Stewart on Fox News Sunday with Chris Wallace. I'll say that I respect both of these men for what they do. Wallace seems like a very competent journalist and Stewart makes me laugh regularly. But I think Wallace has been drinking a little too much of the Fox Kool-Aid...as exhibited in this clip when he doesn't defend Fox and instead tries to attack Comedy Central. Really?:



I also found it interesting that after the interview, Stewart was FACT-CHECKED. Awesome. A comedy program about the news is being fact-checked. Okay, let's see if they're checking anyone else:

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Delightful. Let's also see how Stewart reacted to the assertion (then the "take-back" of said assertion) by John "You Kids Get Off My Lawn...And By Lawn, I Mean The United States" McCain that ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS are responsible for the devastating wildfires in Arizona (again, by request by James):

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And now, this moment with a narcoleptic dog:



And now, this moment of seeing too many balls in South Carolina...



Hey, did you happen to catch the Southwest Airlines pilot this week, accidentally caught on airline radio ranting about how he can't pick up any flight attendants because they're too old, too gay or too "grande"? This will be the best 2 and a half minutes you'll listen to all week:



That pilot? Suspended...then let BACK ON THE JOB. Good thing there's no sexual harassment policy at 16,000 feet.

Hey, it's summertime, and when people aren't drinking and driving, they're heading to the big summer blockbusters at the movies. What's that you say? You've squandered all day reading this blog, so you don't have any TIME to go to the big movies? Well, then, let me offer you the Cliffs' Notes versions...brought to you by they same crew that brought you "Kids Reading Kanye West's Tweets":



(Rings are for girls...)



There's always time for Mike Tyson. And finally, a little something for the ladies in the crowd:



Happy birthday, Melissa!

-B-

Really, Vancouver?

We here at Thinking Hard hear so many good things about the fine folks in Canada. They're always polite. They have a great health care system. Sure, it gets a little frosty in the north for 10 months out of the year, but otherwise, they seem like friendly folks. Then I saw Vancouver's reaction to the Canucks losing the Stanley Cup Finals to the Boston Bruins. Boston's response? Some celebrating in the streets. Nothing really out of hand. Vancouver's response? Fires and RIOT POLICE! You gotta be fucking kidding me!! You'd think it was a soccer game in Brazil! Top elected officials and sports stars are sad that the Vancouverans acted like a bunch of spoiled little pricks! On the plus side, television stations got to jump into some special "Extended Vancouver-age." What, too soon? Well then TAKE OFF...eh?

You know who else lost big this week? Anthony Weiner. The guy officially resigned this week as New York Representative. The press conference where he announced his resignation was pretty somber...until a guy in the crowd (no joke) blurted out "Goodbye, pervert!" But the shame wasn't just on Weiner...it was also on the network coverage. Good luck living THIS shot down:

Hey, want to know how to piss people off? Shoot a short video at an airport where there's NO ONE ELSE... make it at night when you're stranded... clearly DON'T HURT ANYBODY... and post it on the internet. I give you the groundbreaking short film from Dallas-Fort Worth Airport:



This week, the news stations have been loving this shit. No one called security on these guys and they cleaned up after themselves and did NOTHING ILLEGAL OR TERRORIST-RELATED. Yet some random airline passengers commented a few days after the video was posted that they shouldn't have to pay for such reckless behavior. Riiiight. I'll give you that these guys need to recharge their ipod or find something else to do, but they didn't hurt anyone. In fact, people are more often injured in a "Jackass" movie.. and that shit rakes in MILLIONS OF DOLLARS! So I hope these young filmmakers are able to use this and make a higher-budget production...like "Stuck 3D" with James Cameron.

While we're talking about people behaving inappropriately, there's a lawsuit being filed against the driver who got into a car crash in Virginia. The Washington Post got a hold of the lawsuit paperwork. See if YOU can figure out what the driver was doing wrong at the time of the crash:

Paragraph 10. “At the time of the collision, Defendant was going 85 miles per hour.”

Paragraph 12. “At the time of the collision, Defendant was having sex with a female.”

Paragraph13. “At the time of the collision, Defendant was driving admittedly drunk.”

Paragraph 14. “At the time of the accident, Defendant was partially or totally in the backseat of the car.”


If you guessed "The Defendant didn't use his turn signal while changing lanes," you're right. Seriously, though... 85 while having sex partially or totally in the backseat of the car?? How tall IS this guy??

Finally, I'd like you to meet a woman who likely would never get any action...INCLUDING in the back/front of a speeding car. Here's her online dating video. Yeah, with that video, I'm sure she's going to spend a LOT of time at home, stroking her pussy cats. And she'll cry a lot about it afterward. Now you know why I don't date.

-B-

Yup, That's A Picture Of My Dick

So the Rep. Anthony Weiner (D-NY) Twitter scandal isn't dong done by a long shot. This week, Weiner admitted to the media that it was, indeed, his penis hiding in the underwear in that infamous Twitter picture. And he, indeed, sent it to a woman who was not his wife. And he, indeed, had inappropriate relations and conversations with other women who were not his wife. And his wife is, indeed, pregnant with their first child. Wow, talk about having a bad week. All over a little piece of "junk" mail. So, obviously Weiner's college buddy, Jon Stewart, would have a little something to say about it. But wait until you see what happens to him during the first segment:

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Some day, someone will come out and suggest having sex while reading Thinking Hard. Some day.

Who's having a worse day...Anthony Weiner or this news anchor in Roanoke, VA? You make the call:



Fun side note...when that video was done, YouTube seemed to believe that I would ALSO enjoy this video of a hippo spraying people at a zoo with poo. Let's take a moment to enjoy:



I mean, if I wanted to see shitty video of a hippo, I'd go back to the nip-slip by Khloe Kardashian on Fox News...wait, what? We have that clip available? Well, by all means...



I think I just threw up a little in my mouth...kinda like when I heard Sarah Palin say late last week that Paul Revere performed his famous "The british are coming" ride to warn not only the americans, but also the british. Now, anyone who's taken a history class outside of Wasilla, Alaska, knows the ride was designed for Revere to warn the americans and had nothing to do with the british. However, when asked about the ride during her bus tour, she said "He who warned the british that they weren't gonna be takin' away our arms by ringing those bells, and makin' sure as he's riding his horse through town to send those warning shots and bells that we were going to be sure and we were going to be free, and we were going to be armed." Okay, first, thanks for limiting my need to use the period key, but the comma key is getting a little tired. Second...no. No no no no no no no no no no no no no no. If you had given that answer on Jeopardy, Alex Trebek would not only look on you in disdain, but he'd demand that your third-born child be sacrificed because of your stupidity. So Fox News anchor Chris Wallace did his job as a journalist and called Palin out on it. Here's her response: "I didn't mess up about Paul Revere. Part of his ride was to warn the british that were already there. That, hey, you're not going to succeed. You're not going to take American arms. You are not going to beat our own well-armed persons, individual, private militia that we have. He did warn the British." Man, I really hope she gets nominated for next year's election. But, hey, it's not like Fox can recognize the woman anyway...check out the picture being used for this Sarah Palin story. It's Tina Fey imitating Sarah Palin:



Now THAT'S a dick move.

-B-

Pouring One Out For My Homies Who Left The Newsroom This Week

What's up and welcome back. We're now in the HEAVY heat before the dog days of summer...seriously, 95 degrees at the end of May??? Stupid heat.

It was only made worse yesterday as I lugged what felt like my body weight in comic books (don't judge) to get them signed (read: make them worth more) at the local comic convention. An older guy ahead of me in a VERY slow-moving line turned and said to me (in my best old southern guy voice) "It's almost lahk (like) a lahn (line) at an amusement pahk (park)." Yeah...except for it's INDOORS. If the convention had been held outdoors, I would have passed out in the first ten minutes. But it was totally worth it for 15 bucks.

Hey, do you remember me telling you about the news director in Syracuse who left after someone sent out a company-wide email from his account saying he and the station's consumer reporter were having an affair? Well, now a few weeks after the fact, that reporter has also resigned. Seems like something that should have happened sooner. I thought it weird that the news director would leave and the "object of his affection" would continue HER job. And again, no update to the rumors that the news director's own DAUGHTER sent out the email...but I still think that's humorous and worth noting.

Also relating to inappropriate behavior and "worth noting"...

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Ah, journalism. Jon's done a great job with this story. He hasn't pulled any punches all week. He's treated the story with the same type of humor the show always offers...which is unexpected since Weiner and Jon are so tight. I'm impressed that The Daily Show has been able to stay its course despite the possible conflict of interest.

Y'know, that makes me think...I hope my blog does some good for someone someday. It's nice to think that my time's not being wasted. I'd almost like to see something similar to what happened for the guy who started this blog called "This Guy Has My Macbook." See, some asshole stole his Macbook laptop computer. So he used a program he'd already installed on the computer to spy on the thief and take random pictures of the thief and the activity on the computer. Quite frankly, a BRILLIANT move...considering it worked. This week, police found the thief and the computer and got it back to its owner. That's awesome. So tune in next week for the new blog "This Guy Has Eaten My Soul." Here's a preview:

This is a picture of him after he just finished eating my soul.

Special shout-out to Katie and Mark, two of my dearly departed co-workers in the newsroom. You guys are great co-workers and fantastic friends and you'll be missed in the office, but we'll be drinking together soon.

-B-

Oh No, Oprah's Gone...What Do I Do Now???

Welcome to this Memorial Day Weekend edition of Thinking Hard...which will have nothing to do with Memorial Day.

Hey, remember that crazy story about Arnold Schwarzenegger having a love-child? TMZ (yes, THAT TMZ) is reporting Maria Shriver was the one who leaked the news about the affair to the media! Holy shit! Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned...by another woman who is equally as unattractive. TMZ says Maria actually wanted to hold a news conference and announce all the sordid details publicly. But her friends "talked her off the ledge" and she leaked the information instead. TMZ also says she was unhappy in the marriage for almost two years and just hadn't gotten around to filing for divorce. The matter of divorce is not something to joke about, especially for the couple (and children, if there are any) involved...so I won't. What I WILL say is Maria and Arnold both made a terrible decision in getting married anyway. It's clear she at least respected the institution of marriage if she spent two years unhappy without filing for divorce. HE, on the other hand, couldn't wait to find a woman who wasn't so brittle. Bottom line, the institution of marriage isn't what it was 20 or 30 years ago. People get married at the drop of a hat nowadays...and think having children is the way to feel better about it when things get rough. Seriously? The kids might as well be born singing the lyrics of one of my favorite Stabbing Westward songs: "I can not save you...you can't even save yourself."

Speaking of people doing bat-shit crazy (bringin' back the BSC, baby!) things with children, the Casey Anthony murder trial is in full swing. You'll remember her as the Florida woman who killed her 2-year-old daughter, Caylee, then went out clubbing and groped other women and men. (a side note: I apparently attract BSC women because the first time I saw this chick, I thought she was hot) This week, her lawyers suggested her FATHER helped get rid of the toddler's body AND molested Casey when she was younger. But my favorite part of the trial was the media coverage... specifically when reporters LITERALLY tried to trip up the defense team:



What the *bleep* indeed.

While I'm on the subject of reasonably attractive women who turn out to be cold-blooded bitches, let's talk a moment about Katy Perry. Yeah, I easily overlooked the BSC in HER eyes and thought she might be nice. It turns out she's not. The Smoking Gun website got a hold of her contractual agreement with limo drivers while she's on tour. The paperwork says drivers may not
stare at the back seat in the rearview mirror. The driver also may not converse with her, nor ask for autographs or pictures, and especially not while driving. (THAT part I understand) The driver is not even supposed to open the door for Perry -- her security will do that. Perry also likes the
presidential suite in a five-star hotel, but absolutely no carnations in her dressing room. Ah, I can't wait until Thinking Hard makes ME rich and famous...so I can make ludicrous requests and basically act like a dick. I mean, it's not like the limo driver is gonna throw shit at her or anything. Not like those rude basketball fans did to Charles Barkley:



Not as funny as Tracy Morgan calling Sarah Palin a hot piece of ass during the TNT pre-game, but still..

-B-

Did I Sleep Through The Rapture?

Man, I WISH something would happen that I can talk about in my blog...oh, wait...

Former California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger admitted this week to fathering a child with one of his housekeepers. She had the child TEN YEARS AGO... and his soon-to-be-ex-wife Maria Shriver only JUST found out! What, did she just MISS the little latino kid with the huge f'n gap in his top front teeth??? Everyone's been jumping on the "Sperminator" and "True Lies" jokes based on Ah-nold's movies...we here at Thinking Hard go a little deeper (pun intended). So go see Ah-nold's new movies: "Eraper" and "End of Lays." By the way, have you SEEN the housekeeper he slept with? Ew.

Also in the "Men Are Dumb When It Comes To Sex" category, the former head of the International Monetary Fund is charged with raping a maid at a hotel in New York City. Hopefully he at least gave her a good tip. (haha...triple entendre!)

And that brings us back to Osama bin Laden...which I'll let Jon Stewart handle:

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Oh yeah...Donald Trump's not running for president. Shocker.

You know, the only thing that would've made this week MORE fun would be if Jon Stewart went on Bill O'Reilly's show to debate the appearance of rapper Common (no relation to Waka Flocka) at the White House Def Poetry Jam...oh, wait...



Honestly, if the two of them had a show together, I'd watch it nightly.

The next date of the end of the world is sometime in 2012. Get your tickets now. And to the guy who blew ALL of his savings on billboards, ads, etc. on warning people the world would end yesterday: I'll take you to see "The Hangover 2."

-B-