OMG Olive Garden Is The Best Restaurant EVAR! (Signed, an 85-year-old woman)

Y'know, I'm always surprised by the increasingly new and inventive ways to use technology in the world. From the way smartphones are now used to the ability to check Facebook on my TV (in case I ever hated myself THAT much), the geeks have BRILLIANT ways for you to become increasingly wired to the world. That said, they MIGHT have pushed things a bit too far...

The Daily Show with Jon Stewart
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Dammit, I thought my password of "shovethatipadupyourass" was unhackable! Guess I'll have to go with my backup, "tweetthis,motherfucker". (also, bonus points for using the word "Serf" in the graphics)

I have to be honest...that was NOT the Daily Show clip I planned to use this week. I planned to do the Homeless Hotspot story separately, but Jon Stewart saved me some time. HERE'S what I originally planned to use:

The Daily Show with Jon Stewart
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Yes, Fox "News," there's nothing worse than hypocrites who cast their political opinion under guises such as "humor" or "news"...

Honestly, I think Fox News could learn a lot from the way investigative reporters do THEIR job in Canada...



And if Gretchen Carlson can't find her own way into a pole, I'm pretty sure I can give her a little push.

-B-

Sadists!

In honor of the big Oscar winner, this week's installment of Thinking Hard will be done entirely silent to celebrate "The Artist"...

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HAHAHAHAHA! That might have been the funniest succession of jokes EVER put on this blog! I'm glad you all could share it with me. That'll be the segment that puts this blog on the Huffington Post!

Okay, on to the "not as funny" stuff:

If anyone knows me, they know I am NOT a fan of children. Especially the small ones (ages 18 and younger) who whine in the stores while I'm casually looking for printer toner to support my habit use in my, um, printer. Yeah, printer, that's the ticket. Anyway, as awful as I think many small children are, they should NOT be put through this. Seriously, what new parent is SO awful to put their children through those awful pictures instead of shaking them violently like most post-partum parents do??? Those pictures will haunt those children forever.

I work in television news, and regardless of how it looks on air, it can be a VERY difficult job. From major technical problems (like losing audio and/or video) to airing RIDICULOUS excuses for "news" (like that stupid guy from North Carolina who shot his daughter's laptop...it's on YouTube...waste your OWN time looking for it), it's not always as pleasant as those plastic people who sit on our anchor desks make it look. But one of the biggest headaches? Dealing with the public. When you're out in public today, strike up a conversation at the store or Starbucks and when someone asks what you do, lie to them and tell them you work for your local television station. Then prepare to listen to 20 minutes of "oh, this happened to me/my relative/my baby-daddy" and "this story about puppies and babies would make a REALLY good news story." It can be even worse for reporters, who have to go out and speak to random people about random stories in the headlines. They're called "man on the street" pieces. Well, one station in Sacramento, California, has had ENOUGH! They're not going to put up with those fuckers on the street ANYMORE! Instead...they're asking what people who work FOR the station think...because Joe Viewer obviously gives a fuck what I think. Here's the link. Come on! Where's the fun in this??? Where's the chance I'll see someone who's DRUNK or missing twelve teeth giving what he thinks is an intelligent soundbite on the workout routines of highway patrol dogs (or something like that...I kinda zoned out at the beginning)??

Speaking of zoning out, working a morning show at a news station can be even tougher because it requires employees to walk IN anywhere from 11pm to 4am and proceed to work sometimes-twelve-hour days because managers just don't understand that even though THEY walk in at 8am, their employees have already worked at LEAST four hours (and sometimes 9). Plus, there's the chance we'll fall asleep at our desks. You think it's tough at 10am in your cubicle? It's MUCH worse in TV. Especially if you work on air. Of COURSE I have an example of this...



Though, to be fair, a lot of Fox News content puts me to sleep too. Which is why I turn to The Daily Show to get my dose of news of the day...wrapped up in 5-10 minute segments.

The Daily Show with Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
Extremely Loud & Incredibly Gross
www.thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor & Satire Blog The Daily Show on Facebook

Of course, Rush knows nothing about prostitution...his "wife" gets an "allowance."

-B

Dammit Youtube!

Okay, so it's been a rough week around the country. Mitt Romney keeps squeaking by with caucus and primary victories. Monkees singer Davy Jones died. The New Orleans Saints are about to be joined by new players Boba Fett and Dog...because they're a bunch of bounty hunters. (Seriously, anyone see this? The Saints paid defensive players to injure players on offense during the '09, '10, and '11 seasons. Ridiculous.) And a crapton of deadly tornadoes sprouted this week. Seriously..tornadoes in February??? WTF?? So I figured we could all use a good laugh. So I was going to use a video clip of a sports anchor who pre-recorded his morning sports segment and stopped midway through by saying "Son of a bitch...okay, let's do it again...in 3, 2, 1..." but when I went back for the clip today, it's been removed because it's "copyright material" (read: embarrassing for the news station involved), so I have to go with the next best thing: a sports anchor in San Diego calling Danica Patrick a bitch:



I was also going to use a clip of a student shadowing a meteorologist being caught on camera during a weather segment, but again, I've been "copyright materialed." So you're stuck with a pretty funny segment from The Daily Show:

The Daily Show with Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
I Can't Believe It Got Better!
www.thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor & Satire Blog The Daily Show on Facebook

Here's our Thinking Hard Pundit Prep Sheet:

Talking Points:
Bash The Idiots Who Have Talking Points

Be Funny

Don't Threaten To Sue Youtube To Get Videos Taken Down

Tell Local TV Stations To Take A Fucking Joke

That is all.
-B-

And Now...Lady Issues

Before I start this special blog for the ladies, happy Lent. You know Lent.. it's the 40 days before Easter, when people generally give up something they like or take on something they don't like. Take the Pope for example...he's going to tweet once a day during Lent. So he apparently gave up sanity for 40 days. And speaking of being insane, a special FUCK YOU to all of you dumb pieces of shit who mobbed the malls Friday for the ugly-ass Nike "Is That Even A Real Word" Foamposite Galaxy shoes...as in, "Police tell us the murder suspect was last seen wearing a pair of Nike Foamposite Galaxy shoes." Also, the $220/pair shoes glow in the dark, so people are going to see you running away from those late night murders. And just like those ridiculous Air Jordans that were released a few weeks ago, finding a white guy in the crowd is near impossible. Again, the black economy must be fantastic. Why must I be so white?

Alright, onto the special Lady Issues...first, let's touch on Virginia's passage this week of a bill making it a little more awkward for women to get an abortion:

The Daily Show with Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
Punanny State - Virginia's Transvaginal Ultrasound Bill
www.thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor & Satire Blog The Daily Show on Facebook

Um...yeah, that's all of the Lady Issues I really have this week. Unless you count the female sense of humor:



Ahahahahahaha! Yes! They got into a serious car crash because of HIGH GAS PRICES! Not only is that HILARIOUS, but it's TIMELY!

Let me give a shout-out to a special lady before I wrap this up: Taylor Swift. Now, now, I sense you pulling away from me in disgust. This isn't one of THOSE shout-outs. This is more of a "Thank you for restoring my faith in human decency" thing. See, an 18-year-old guy who's been suffering from leukemia and/or cancer much of his life wanted nothing more than to ask Taylor Swift to prom. His sister, who loves him very much, started a Facebook campaign (one of the few times I can say "Facebook" without vomiting) to drum up support. After 90,000 people joined in the effort, Taylor Swift declined the offer...and instead offered to take him to the Academy of Country Music awards. Truly a PR move, but she didn't have to acknowledge him at all. Instead, she avoids a ton of teenage fanatics (and their fathers) to let a guy with a deadly disease walk a red carpet. Classy. I wish other people were just as kind...instead of using Facebook to bitch about their jobs.

-B-

Don't Stop Believe-Lin

Hey, since the rest of the world is coming up with stupid Jeremy Lin puns for the NBA flavor of the month, I figured I'd throw mine in there too. Remember, it's not about the dest-Lin-nation, it's about Journey.

Kind of a slow week...and yes, I'm still sick of "I Will Always Love You." It WAS kind of funny to see the Bobby Brown showed up briefly for Whitney Houston's funeral yesterday...but left after he was told there wasn't enough seating room for all NINE MEMBERS of his entourage. Really, Bobby? Do you need more than FOUR guys to give you cocaine throughout the service?

For those of you who were concerned and offered to donate to my cause, Microsoft refunded the money taken from people who hacked my Xbox Live account a couple of weeks ago. Let me say, big ups to Microsoft. Sure, the security measures might still have a few holes, but the investigation team concluded their case AND got me my money back in less than two weeks. Some years, I can't get my tax refund back in that short amount of time.

Let me step back into the basketball fray for a second, mostly because we're mid-way through February and March is right around the corner. Y'know, I see a lot of basketball fans in ESPN highlights trying to psych out the visiting teams. And they're generally shouting, cheering, waving pompoms, etc. Well, there's this one freaky-looking dude, who decided that his own FACE was enough to psych out the opposing team:

On the plus side? I can guarantee the cotton candy vendors will stay as far away from him as possible.

-B-

Te Gusta Losing, Numbnuts?

Hey, everybody, and welcome back to the blog. I want to get the somber stuff out of the way first. Yesterday, pop music star Whitney Houston was found dead in her hotel room. It's starting to sound like she drowned in her bathtub. It's a tragic end to the diva who, quite frankly, I'm surprised hadn't died of a drug overdose during her marriage to Bobby Brown. I'm not sure if she had a drug issue before she married him, but it sure became a BIG problem after they married. It's sad that someone with such an amazing career in the 80s and early 90s went on to have so many troubles. And I can think of only a few less glamorous ways to die than in the bathtub of your hotel room (possibly surrounded by drugs...but that has yet to be proven). So, Whitney Houston fans, try to keep "The Bodyguard" Whitney in your heart as you mourn her passing...and not the "Bobby Brown fucked that chick UP" Whitney.

Alright, so let's get down to this. Hey, in case you missed it, the New York Giants won the Super Bowl last Sunday in dramatic fashion. This followed an email sent by Patriots QB Tom Brady's wife, Giselle Bundchen, to family and friends, asking them to "pray for Tommy." Well, her behavior only got weirder (and more obnoxious) during and after the big game. She was quoted by The Insider after the game as saying "My husband cannot fucking throw the ball and catch the ball at the same time." At least one of Brady's teammates says she should shut up and go back to looking cute. I don't think she can do either. Have you seen her face? Ugh. And honestly, with that attitude, I think she ought to rename herself Giselle Bitchen. (I wish I could have come up with something clever that went with "Cum Dumpster," but I couldn't)

Hey, have you had a bad break-up recently? You might be able to find out WHY your heart was shattered on the new website WotWentWrong.com. Dumpees can register and send an email to the heartbreaker in question, who in turn can respond to the website and not to the user him/herself in as much or as little detail as desired. Because nothing says "I wish you all the best" than letting everyone on the internet read "Teresa was so bad in bed, it was like fucking a fish. And don't even get me started on how she SMELLS..."

Thirsty? Looking for a bridge between your meal and your dessert? Jack in the Box can help. The fast-food joint is offering a Bacon Shake. Yes. That's right. A BACON milkshake. Don't worry about getting chunks of pork as you're slurping your straw...it's made with a bacon syrup with no chunks whatsoever (unless you count the ones I'm blowing at the THOUGHT of this monstrosity). Sixteen ounces of this bad boy will get you 773 of your daily calories...and 24 ounces will give you 1,081. But don't go looking for this on the drive-thru menu. It's a SECRET item that you can only get if you know about it ahead of time. It's like walking up to that shady-looking dude on the street corner and saying "No, that meth you're selling won't kill me fast enough...but that BACON SHAKE in your pocket is EXACTLY what I'm looking for."

Finally, a lesson from local television...not to pimp out a weather forecast that may or may not actually happen, but to ALWAYS know who you're about to interview ahead of time. Anchors hate surprises:



I'm sure the anchor yelled at the producer for this error...because that's all anchors ever do. They yell at, berate, criticize and talk down to producers. Though in all fairness to Fox, I'm sure they're used to fuck-ups like this during every newscast. It's in their contracts.

-B-

I'm In A Shitty Mood

Hi. I'd be able to write a full blog today if it wasn't for the fact that some a-hole hacked my Xbox 360 account and caused me to lose $125. So now I'm going to be chatting online live with Microsoft to try to get my money back. Meantime, watch this video. It shows how movie marketers made it look like there were people flying over the skies of New York City to promote the new film "Chronicle." It's pretty badass. They're using ultralight parts and radio controls:



When I see you next week, I'll either have my $125 back...or I'm leaving Microsoft.

-B-