Time To Go To Twerk

First, I'd like to give a special greeting to (apparently) my longtime readers, the National Security Agency. I assume that you have a sense of humor...since you haven't sent agents to my home yet.

Okay, so I'm sure many of you have been waiting all week for me to address the hot-mess topic of the week (nope, not Khloe Kardashian...though I hear she hates when people talk shit about her family). So for those of you who haven't seen it yet, here's the clip that everyone is talking about...



I'm sure you probably figured out that we're not talking about Smiley Iris (yes, I meant to type it like that...I can't guarantee that typing her actual name won't put me on a watch list) just yet. That was actually a clip from the (who knew THIS existed) Miss Philippines USA pageant. And in case you're trying to recap this for your friends and co-workers, let me present you with a transcript of this second-place finisher for the "Biggest Abortion on a Stage This Week" award:

Presenter: Among the five senses, what do you prefer to have if you could only have one and why?...Would you like me to repeat that?

Contestant: No. Thank you for that wonderful question. If I have to pick out of FIVE senses, I would pick 'seeing.' Because seeing is the best sense that we can ever see because seeing...is believing. And believing into what you see is perfect. And...um...out of all those senses...um...seeing...would...really...be wonderful because thank you.

Hey, wait, you forgot about the maps and such!!! Maybe she SHOULD have had the question repeated. Although, to be fair, it WAS kind of a ridiculous question. I wonder if they had 5th-graders submit the questions.

Okay, let's dive right into Miley (ew). Surely by now you've seen the clip of Miley gyrating on a foam finger and twerking on Robin Thicke (I really can't tell the difference between the two of them) at the MTV Video Music Awards last week. I'm not showing it here. Go Google it on your own. I don't have a LOT of good taste, but I have to draw the line somewhere. No, we're gonna add a little CLASS to that ridiculous display of "Pay attention to meeeeeee!" We're gonna have a FULLY CLOTHED person present the bizarreness of the incident. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome...the man who just woke up from an on-air nap to do this shenanigan...Mr. MORGAN FREEMAN!



I hope Miley gets Shawshanked. But if I could wake up every day to Morgan Freeman saying the phrase "thrusting hip movements," I could die happy. Seriously, I think Miley's performance set women's rights back about 100 years. I will appreciate, however, the blog post this week by a woman who didn't want her daughter to ever pull shit like that. It's a great case of "people who have good parents who give a shit DON'T do stupid bullshit like that." So, please let me present in its entirety, the letter this mother posted on roadkillgoldfish.com ...

Dear daughter, let Miley Cyrus be a lesson to you.

Yes, this is what happens when you constantly hear everything you do is awesome. This is what happens when people fawn over your every Tweet and Instagram photo. This is what happens when no responsible adult has ever said the word “no,” made you change your clothes before leaving the house, or never spanked your butt for deliberate defiance.

If you ever even consider doing something like that, I promise you that I will run up and twerk so you will see how ridiculous twerking looks. I will duct tape your mouth shut so your tongue doesn’t hang out like an overheated hound dog. I will smack any male whom you decide to smash against his pelvis – after I first knock you on your butt for forgetting how a lady acts in public.

Why would I do that? Because I love you and I want you to respect yourself. Miley Cyrus is not edgy or cool or sexy. She’s a desperate girl screaming for attention: Notice me. Tell me I’m pretty. See how hot I am. I know all the guys want me. All the girls want to be me.

You probably know girls who will emulate this behavior at the next school dance. Don’t do it with them. You are far too valuable to sell yourself so cheaply. Walk away. Let the boys gawk and know in your heart that they see only a body that can be used for their pleasure and then forgotten.

I’m sorry if you’ve ever felt sad because I haven’t gushed over everything you’ve done. My role is to praise when praise is due, but also to offer constructive criticism and correction when it is needed as well. I’m sorry if you’ve ever felt demoralized because your Instagram following isn’t in the thousands, and I’m sorry those “selfies” can never capture how amazingly beautiful you truly are. I’m sorry if you’ve ever wished you had a friend instead of a mom, and I promise you that I will probably get worse when you hit high school.

Dear daughter, I am going to fight or die trying to keep you from becoming like the Miley Cyruses of the world.

You can thank me later.

I really like the sentiment behind that. It's nice to know there are parents out there who care. And if I have but one wish, it's that something ELSE happens this week to ensure I don't have to sit through another week of clips about TWERKING!!!!

-B-

It's All About The Backlash

You know the saying "Bad press is better than no press," right? Well then it's been a pretty good week for two key figures in TV and movies...

Let's start with Dr. Phil. Mr. "You need to make a change fer YOU" took to Twitter this week with a fairly controversial question to draw a response from viewers. It said "If a girl is drunk, is it OK to have sex with her?" Now, that's not to say that I haven't taken women out, gotten them drunk, then had sex with them. However, it was all consensual, and I think the question Dr. Phil was asking was about non-consensual stuff...also known as rape. Twitter users also believed that to be the line of questioning and kinda tore the Doc a new one. One of the responders wrote "If Dr. Phil is drunk, is it okay for him to tweet?" Look, America, I get it. The phrasing of Dr. Phil's question could have been so much better. Like "Do you agree with raping a drunk girl?" But let's consider this from a PR standpoint. The way the question was phrased started a major firestorm on the interwebs. It got people talking about Dr. Phil again, which, if you're not living in North Carolina looking for a missing teenage girl, no one is really doing (but he usually does some major shit in his season premiere, so I'll be watching for that...or not). People will tune in to this particular episode to see how the Doc effs things up...but will over the course of the hour learn a valuable lesson from "Big 'Stache." After all, the Doc has to make his money. He can't just offer those mustache rides for free. (I'm kidding, Big Phil!)

Now to the other big internet outrage...Ben Affleck will be the next Batman. No joke. He'll be playing the Dark Knight in the Batman/Superman movie that I swore I was so excited about just 4 days ago. Now, let's address something here...Ben Affleck is not a bad actor (see Argo). Ben Affleck has shown he can at least REASONABLY portray superheroes on film (see Daredevil...but pretend Jennifer Garner isn't in it). But can he pull off Batman? Sure, he can pass for an adorkable Bruce Wayne...which kinda flies in the face of the socially awkward but dashingly handsome Bruce Wayne we've seen for years. Shit, they relied so heavily on "handsome" they had George Fucking Clooney (seriously, that's his middle name) play him in one (godawful) film! But can he do BATMAN??? There are some people out there who say this is a response similar to the announcement that Heath Ledger was going to play the Joker. Y'know, the portrayal that got him a posthumous Oscar nomination. To be fair, there had been nothing prior to "The Dark Knight" that showed whether Ledger could or could not pull off a brutal villain like the Joker. So a lot of that criticism was probably unfounded. But we've SEEN Affleck do a superhero movie...with "meh" results. Honestly, a lot of it will probably come down to the script and directing. The greatest writer and the best director can polish a turd with relative ease. So I'll go on the record so I can come back to this in a couple years and see what I wrote...I hope Affleck does well as Batman. I think it'd be another great opportunity (like Argo) to step out of the Affleck/Damon shadow that Matt Damon leapt out of almost immediately into a successful career. Ben, best of luck to you. You're going to step into a franchise that I have a LOT of love for. Individually, Batman is amazing and I enjoy him enough I got the bat-signal tattooed on my arm. The Batman/Superman comics have been AWESOME for the most part. So you have been offered a great part in a great legacy. More power to you. But it will probably be the deal-breaker for me and I won't see it.

I'm done bitching for the day. Go back to your regularly scheduled activities of porn and cute cat videos (but never both at once...NEVER. BOTH. AT. ONCE.)...

-B-

This One's A Quickie

First, I saw "We're The Millers" last night. Entertaining. Also, Emma Roberts and Jennifer Aniston? Call me.

I don't think anything in this next clip will surprise people, given all of the jokes and movies that feature people on TV wearing more CASUAL attire behind the newsdesk, but it still amuses me when people get called out on it:

Boston News, Weather, Sports | FOX 25 | MyFoxBoston

Wow, speaking of WHITEY BULGER...yuck. For the record, I usually blog without pants...awkward...

Hey, let's bring this bad boy home with a clip from John Oliver's last week as interim host of The Daily Show. I just want to say that watching him has been very entertaining and I hope this means very good things for his career...



G'day indeed! Foster's...Australian for how voters can stomach going to the polls.

-B-

It's Shark Week!

We'll get to that in a second, but first, some (quite literally) breaking news...regarding a hailstorm in Minnesota:



Yeah, that sucks. Hey, you guys know by now how much I enjoy The Daily Show. And you probably also know how much I loathe the backwoods North Carolina political scene. So THIS segment makes me happy. And has me thinking about motorcycle helmets...



So now, back to our lead story...it's Shark Week. One of my top favorite ocean-predator-themed weeks of television coverage...besides "7 Days of the Orca" and "Dolphin Rape Week." But it appears the kids over at the Discovery Channel are catching a little flack...



They really should just have done what the idiotically-spelled SyFy channel did (seriously, where are the Ys in "science" and "fiction"???) and just thrown Tara Reid and Beverly Hills 90210-alum Ian Ziering into it. Speaking of, be sure to catch...and I swear I'm not making this up...the original SyFy channel movie, "Ghost Shark," coming next month. The brilliant idea behind this is the aforementioned "shark of ghosts" will kill you if you have any water on you...AT ALL. "Just when you thought it was safe to splash a little cool water on your face..." Also, I should point out, after an extensive social media campaign, the kids at Syfy also came up with a subtitle for their "Sharknado 2" film. Before I reveal this to you, I want to make sure you understand that the channel reports it got something like 1,000 ideas for names. Knowing how people on social media think, you're probably only guaranteed about 20 GOOD ideas...which means there's no excuse for this: "Sharknado 2: The Second One." #facepalm Here's a trailer...



I'll totally watch that...but only if that sexy co-star starts taking off her clothes. Hey, a quick shout-out this morning...congratulations to Nate and Kim on the birth of their first child, Lizzy. I have seen this beautiful child and she has what Nate describes as a "great startled look" when she's nudged while sleeping. Her arms shoot up and shake a little...like one of those skinny inflatable things outside car dealers.

I'm out.
-B-

Ah, The Randomness Of The Summer Doldrums

Do you like offensive Fox News interviews? Do you have 10 minutes to watch a guy who wrote a book about Jesus get grilled because he's a muslim and apparently muslims aren't allow to study or write about Jesus? Then have I got the clip for you:



If, for some reason, that's not your cup of tea...hey, thanks for sticking around! Maybe instead I could offer you this link to a blog from a now FORMER investigative reporter. In it, she offers some dirty little secrets of her job (and probably some things OTHER reporters do...like nap in a news car...hey, they DO work long hours some days). And when word got out of the blog post, she got canned. If you want to see what gets someone fired from a job in news, this is a brief but interesting read.

What? I still haven't grabbed you? How about a warning for drivers in California that might be a little distracting?



Okay, fine, if nothing else has entertained you today, perhaps this little gem will. Apparently the jobs of garbagemen are now being outsourced...



So. Damn. Adorable.

Thanks for joining me for the quickie this week. We'll see if I feel like putting more words on your screen next week. Vote Weiner! (not the candidate...vote for my penis.)

-B-

Things I Can't Unsee

I'd like to punch thank Geraldo Rivera for his brilliant impression of NYC mayoral candidate Anthony Weiner. In a side note, AW has done a great job of sliding his way into that race, pounding the pavement for votes and causing a premature eruption of excitement. But a quick tip, AW, if I may...stop using your phone's camera. The scandals are making you look like a dick.

Now a quick piece of breaking news from our "Woman on the Street"...



To recap today's top story, she got news for you. I love a good "person attacks reporter" video...as long as I am neither "reporter" nor "person."

There's also some other news...I guess some baby was born this week. I don't care.

And now, breaking news about a big back-up on the roads...



Man, they better get that cleared up soon. I'm hearing that could cause some real, long-term damage if it's just allowed to build up like that. Wait, I think I see an exit to the north...but it's going to be just a very small hole in the trouble, and there are going to be millions of people trying to get through that tiny hole. And when they finally get through, THAT is going to be a serious mess.

I don't know if you've been watching the blog over the past few weeks, but earlier this month, we showed you a clip from a San Francisco TV station newscast identifying four pilots aboard a wrecked Asiana Airlines flight. I would pull the clip up again, but the TV station in question has ordered ALL the clips removed from the interwebs, so the only clip on this blog that still has it is last week's Colbert Report clip. Which is fine. Anywho, the station has also gone ahead and fired three producers associated with the error. One is a "special projects" producer (bonus points if you can tell me what a person in THAT position does). One of the other producers spoke out about his firing. I'm going to print his statement the way he wrote it...VERBATIM...and as you read this, keep in mind this producer also teaches JOURNALISM at San Francisco State University. Again, this man is a teacher. Of reporters:

"My hard-earned reputation is intack. There are lawyers, so eager as I am to anser all questions, I must refrain."

Clearly this is a smear campaign against this particular producer. If he can't even spell INTACT or ANSWER correctly, there's NO WAY he could have spelled Sum Ting Wong...unless he actually thought the pilots were AMERICAN. Then I understand.

Finally, it was a lovely day out swimm...HEY, FUCKER, NOT SO CLOSE!



Turns out it got so close because it was a SPERM whale. Named Anthony Weiner.

-Carlos Danger-

Famous Last Words

Let's start with a little movie news...it was just announced at San Diego Comic-Con yesterday that a new Superman movie will be shooting next year...set to open in 2015...that ALSO STARS BATMAN!!!! Oh, hang on a sec, I need to clean up my nerdgasm...okay, all good now. Seriously, DC, what a novel idea, to put separate characters from separate comic books into the same movie! What a unique and brilliant idea! I mean, you're only two sequels behind one of the first MARVEL movies to do that (see the end of "Iron Man" when they bring in Nick Fury). But hey, I'm not gonna bitch that loud because the Superman/Batman comic series is really enjoyable and I'll pay money to see this movie. One movie I won't pay to see, even on cable..."Sharknado." In fact, the twitterverse got so excited about this, they just announced a "Sharknado 2" this week. I hope they sell this series of movies as "The last thing 'Glee' actor Cory Monteith ever sent a tweet about...SHARKNADO!" Yeah, no joke...Monteith was found dead of a heroin/alcohol overdose in a hotel in Canada last weekend, and I shit you not, his last two tweets were about that God-awful movie, which his last words being "Oh. IT'S SHARKS IN A TORNADO!" I'd be tweeting "C'mon, Tara Reid, I want to see some botched boobs! #plastICKsurgery" Honestly though, it reminds me why I'm glad I don't tweet. Can you imagine people finding some random, embarrassing thing I tweeted before I died that would be considered my last words? It'd probably be something like "11 donuts gone from the dozen. That last one is crying out to me."

Hey, you saw it here last week...San Francisco station KTVU aired fake (yet funny) names of the pilots in the Asiana Airlines crash earlier this month. Asiana threated to sue KTVU...but backed off 3 days later because the station aired a correction 15 minutes after it ran the names. Wait, Asiana made them sit and stew for three days? Seems a little harsh. But not as harsh as how Stephen Colbert responded to it. And you know how often I put Colbert on here...this MUST be good:

The Colbert Report
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Over on The Daily Show, John Oliver is making history...but not in the way he wants. Also, this is a good interview with "Newsroom" scribe Aaron Sorkin:

The Daily Show with Jon Stewart
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Speaking of shaking up newscasts, hey, Texas, breaking news...a house just exploded nearby:

KiiiTV3.com South Texas, Corpus Christi, Coastal Bend

I'm looking for a date, but she has to have one very specific physical trait...



I'm gonna quote someone's comment on YouTube...it was funny, but it wasn't THAT funny. Even SHE didn't think it was that funny.

Hey, let's wrap this all up with the Little Psychic Who Couldn't.



Free Trayvon Martin.

-B-