Hey, everybody, and welcome to this special Christmas edition of Thinking Hard. Yup, we're one of the few offices actually OPEN on Christmas Sunday. That's wrong on so many levels. Well...TWO levels, anyway.
Let's start with a holiday shopping idea if you can find any stores open today...do NOT expect to find the new Air Jordans available ANYWHERE but eBay. Nike released the shoes early Friday morning and I learned a LOT about the current state of our economy: white people be POOR! Shoppers turned out to local shoe stores in DROVES across the country to lay down $180 for the shoes (which, incidentally, were NOT personally worn by Mr. Jordan, God rest his soul...wait, what? He's NOT dead? But what's he doing? I haven't seen him in weeks...). Well, these bright young consumers were NOT going to be held down by the MAN who did NOT want them to put their HARD-EARNED money back into the economy. They weren't going to wait in LINES holding TICKETS...because there's no order in the NBA, so there shouldn't be order buying shoes from an NBA legend! That's not what Mr. Air would've wanted! So I'm seeing all this video at these stores of people bum-rushing the EVIL GLASS DOORS blocking them from entering their favorite stores (that's un-American! Who puts LOCKS on DOORS???) and I can't help but notice...there are only about TWO white people in line to buy the shoes amid THOUSANDS of...um...NON-white people. And that's when it hit me: white people are POOR. They can't afford to drop $180 on a pair of shoes. But apparently the economy is GREAT for african-americans. I felt like I was playing a game of "Where's White-O?" in the sea of humanity out at these stores. So a big thank you goes out to the african-americans who braved the stores that refused to recognized the Emancipation Proclamation passed 150 years ago. And a big thank you as well to the companies who are WELL-compensating their african-american employees. And if anyone would like to support the poor white american working class, call me.
Hey, primaries and caucuses are coming up fast. The GOP candidates are making their cases for votes. Ron Paul stands to have a good showing in the Iowa caucuses. But he might be working a little TOO hard to support white America...
Well if THAT'S all it takes to get rid of Ron Paul... Actually, it takes even LESS to get rid of Newt Gingrich. His own staff FORGOT to apply to have his name put on the primary ballots in Virginia, as did Texas Governor Rick Perry. And there are NO write-ins on the primary ballots in Virginia. I guess they can be forgiven. After all, Gingrich is old...and Perry has the mental capacity of a 5-year-old...girl.
Hey, if you ever get out to Los Angeles, be sure to watch local TV station KTLA. They have a lot of fun. In fact, they've spent a few segments lately poking fun at an audio clip that accidentally aired of one of their reporters asking an intern to fetch him a cup of coffee (doesn't he know? Talent is supposed to ask PRODUCERS to do mundane things like that!). Let's take a look at all the fun and frivolity...
You might have noticed a LOT of time with that weather guy, Henry DiCarlo. Apparently he lost his joviality as Christmas got closer:
I guess he only likes to waste air-time when HE'S the one in charge of timing. I REALLY liked the anchor's response about cheese and "whine." For Christmas, I'd give that guy a pink slip. And that's why I'm not in charge. Anywhere.
I hope you all have a wonderful holiday with friends and family, remembering the true reason and spirit of the season. We'll be back next week to kick off 2012. Have a bang-up final week of 2011!
-B-
Sunday, December 25, 2011
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
I'm Ronery, So Ronery
Not even Arrec Bawdrin could save Kim Jong-Il. Sad. He was probably too busy playing Words With Friends to help him. "Yes, I KNOW CPR, but I'm trying to figure out how to play this Q and this J on this triple-letter, triple-word score block of letters. Hang on. Let me just check Wikipedia..." (yes, that's for you, James)
Hey, welcome back to the blog. Thanks for your patience as we returned from our holiday flights. Smooth sailing, no screaming children. Oh, wait, I'm told we have some breaking news coming in from Fox News Channel about politics...
(If you don't see it, I'll explain it for you at the end. Hint: you need to know some geography.)
Y'know, as a producer in TV news, I should tell you I'm not busy goofing off during a newscast...trying to make sure things don't go to shit if we have technical issues, trying to fill time if anchors stop reading...it's really a lot of juggling. But not quite as much juggling as what goes on in Portland, Oregon:
(Somebody ought to get slapped for that.)
Oh, I'm being told we have another update from Fox News, this time about the democrats:
While we're talking about politics, anybody watch MSNBC? One of their big political correspondents is Chuck Todd. But did you ALSO know he's an avid bird-watcher?
Maybe he's taking up sign language. Oh, sorry to interrupt, but we have another update coming in from Fox News, this time looking at the poll numbers for the GOP presidential candidates...
For those of you keeping score at home, there have been a total of four errors in the Fox News graphics I've shown you. Here's what you should have spotted:
1. Utah is labeled with a "NV" for Nevada in Graphic #1.
2. Vermont is labeled with a "NH" for New Hampshire in Graphic #2.
3. In Graphic #3, Mitt Romney is NOT half-black, half-white.
4. The graphics people at Fox News are NOT competent
Now, who knows what will happen to the inept graphics department at Fox News. All I know is I'd be swearing up a storm in the control room if that shit hit my newscast. I just hope I wouldn't be caught on AIR dropping any f-bombs...
Well, if I did, at least I'd make it on Thinking Hard...
-B-
Hey, welcome back to the blog. Thanks for your patience as we returned from our holiday flights. Smooth sailing, no screaming children. Oh, wait, I'm told we have some breaking news coming in from Fox News Channel about politics...
(If you don't see it, I'll explain it for you at the end. Hint: you need to know some geography.)
Y'know, as a producer in TV news, I should tell you I'm not busy goofing off during a newscast...trying to make sure things don't go to shit if we have technical issues, trying to fill time if anchors stop reading...it's really a lot of juggling. But not quite as much juggling as what goes on in Portland, Oregon:
(Somebody ought to get slapped for that.)
Oh, I'm being told we have another update from Fox News, this time about the democrats:
While we're talking about politics, anybody watch MSNBC? One of their big political correspondents is Chuck Todd. But did you ALSO know he's an avid bird-watcher?
Maybe he's taking up sign language. Oh, sorry to interrupt, but we have another update coming in from Fox News, this time looking at the poll numbers for the GOP presidential candidates...
For those of you keeping score at home, there have been a total of four errors in the Fox News graphics I've shown you. Here's what you should have spotted:
1. Utah is labeled with a "NV" for Nevada in Graphic #1.
2. Vermont is labeled with a "NH" for New Hampshire in Graphic #2.
3. In Graphic #3, Mitt Romney is NOT half-black, half-white.
4. The graphics people at Fox News are NOT competent
Now, who knows what will happen to the inept graphics department at Fox News. All I know is I'd be swearing up a storm in the control room if that shit hit my newscast. I just hope I wouldn't be caught on AIR dropping any f-bombs...
Well, if I did, at least I'd make it on Thinking Hard...
-B-
Sunday, December 18, 2011
Tape Delay
If you've tuned in for this week's Thinking Hard blog, just wait longer. The writers are still on holiday vacation, but they'll return to the office Tuesday morning. That's the last time we get Rod Blagojevich to book our flights...he kept trying to sell our seats!
Friday, December 9, 2011
Happy Anniversary! Now For Some Words, Friends...
I realize I'm a little early this week with this, but I was afraid I'd miss my deadline because I'm stuck playing Words With Friends with this guy, username AlecB, who just will NOT stop playing words! I've lost a lot of sleep because this guy is so addicted to this game. But there WAS a game a few nights ago where he stopped playing for a little while. I wonder what happened...
For those of you who don't watch TV or read the interwebs, Alec Baldwin was booted from an American Airlines flight earlier this week because he refused to turn off his phone when the plane door closed...y'know, like federal regulations say you're SUPPOSED to. He was just so involved in his game of Words With Friends. So he pitched a fit, the plane was delayed, and Baldwin threw a temper-tantrum on Twitter. Dude, seriously? It seems as though NO ONE remembers the whole "calling your daughter a rude little pig" thing...UNTIL you start acting like an asshole AGAIN! Let's face it: people enjoy watching you on 30 Rock because it was your comeback tour for calling your daughter a pig. But if you were to leave that show, we wouldn't care, because Tina Fey is fantastic. So please, Mr. Baldwin, step off your high horse and turn off your phone when asked. #who'salecbaldwin?
And now, our new favorite game here at Thinking Hard: "Drunk or Stroke?" And here's tonight's competitor, from Mankato, Minnesota...
And now, a story that defies explanation, even here at Thinking Hard...where chaos reigns supreme. I'm posting this article about the owner of the NBA team Orlando Magic, who reportedly drunk-dialed player Dwight Howard. A reporter from WFTV got a hold of a transcript of that call...that was partially faked by an internet writer. Hilarity ensued. With video. My favorite type of hilarity.
And now, our new segment for all of you space fans out there called "Hey, Look, The Moon"...
That is all.
-B-
For those of you who don't watch TV or read the interwebs, Alec Baldwin was booted from an American Airlines flight earlier this week because he refused to turn off his phone when the plane door closed...y'know, like federal regulations say you're SUPPOSED to. He was just so involved in his game of Words With Friends. So he pitched a fit, the plane was delayed, and Baldwin threw a temper-tantrum on Twitter. Dude, seriously? It seems as though NO ONE remembers the whole "calling your daughter a rude little pig" thing...UNTIL you start acting like an asshole AGAIN! Let's face it: people enjoy watching you on 30 Rock because it was your comeback tour for calling your daughter a pig. But if you were to leave that show, we wouldn't care, because Tina Fey is fantastic. So please, Mr. Baldwin, step off your high horse and turn off your phone when asked. #who'salecbaldwin?
And now, our new favorite game here at Thinking Hard: "Drunk or Stroke?" And here's tonight's competitor, from Mankato, Minnesota...
And now, a story that defies explanation, even here at Thinking Hard...where chaos reigns supreme. I'm posting this article about the owner of the NBA team Orlando Magic, who reportedly drunk-dialed player Dwight Howard. A reporter from WFTV got a hold of a transcript of that call...that was partially faked by an internet writer. Hilarity ensued. With video. My favorite type of hilarity.
And now, our new segment for all of you space fans out there called "Hey, Look, The Moon"...
That is all.
-B-
Sunday, December 4, 2011
The Cain Train Has Derailed
Goodbye, Herman Cain. Let this be a reminder to everyone...your illicit affairs should only happen AFTER you are elected President.
Welcome back to "TV Behaving Badly." I'm always proud to work in an industry where so many people create so many live fuck-ups...and then those fuck-ups are blasted all over the internet. I love the high-tech generation. For example, Reverend Billy Graham went to the hospital last week for pneumonia. Doctors caught it early and were very positive about his health...and then the CBS station in Charlotte, NC, reported Graham had died Saturday morning...and then had to RETRACT said story because they'd gotten it wrong. Apparently it all comes down to an initial report that came into the station's newsroom and NO ONE thought to check with another source to make sure this actually happened! This is the same station that showed the graphic "Man Killed To Death" a few weeks ago. It's also one of the top stations in the market, so, y'know, apparently people love watching a train wreck. That's why so many people watched Britney Spears' reality show. Hey, it could've been worse. It could've been a racist look at Black Friday shoppers last week by a TV station in Baltimore...
Y'know, Black Friday must be really stressful, especially for the REPORTERS...
Personally, I'm sick of the random people who think it's awesome to do stuff during live shots to get on TV. HOWEVER, I do NOT agree with this YouTube poster who decided to use the term "fat kid" in the headline. Not cool, dick.
Hey, give me 30 seconds and I'll give you TWO errors in spelling in a St. Louis newscast. Two things to remember...the town's name is PITTSfield and the word is spelled SOUTHWEST...
Now, for a completely NSFW moment here on Thinking Hard. It's so NSFW, for the first time in a LONG time, I'm posting the link here instead of embedding the video. The Tampa Bay Fox affiliate had to apologize to viewers because during a live postgame show for the Buccaneers last weekend, a camera crew interviewed a player in the locker room...with another player's PENIS being caught on camera behind him! Talk about your "talking head" interviews...
Finally, how do you like your Christmas ruined? Do you prefer to find out from your parents about Santa Claus...or would you rather find out about it from some bitch on an anchor desk? You can thank this Fox Chicago anchor for her efforts in killing Christmas. Her comments start with about :90 left in this clip:
YGBFKM! (You gotta be fucking kidding me!) At least they made her apologize and ready angry letters on air...
That really pisses me off. Moreso than the "fat kid" video earlier. ARGH! I'M SO ANGRY! If only there was something that could make me feel better, like an unexpected developing national network story...
Ahhh...that's the stuff. A quick note...the staff of Thinking Hard (read: me) is heading for holiday vacation this week, but will make every effort to post the annual "Happy Anniversary" blog while on the road. But if for some reason it doesn't come, just remember we asked Santa to deliver it...and Santa doesn't exist, right, Fox Chicago???
-B-
Welcome back to "TV Behaving Badly." I'm always proud to work in an industry where so many people create so many live fuck-ups...and then those fuck-ups are blasted all over the internet. I love the high-tech generation. For example, Reverend Billy Graham went to the hospital last week for pneumonia. Doctors caught it early and were very positive about his health...and then the CBS station in Charlotte, NC, reported Graham had died Saturday morning...and then had to RETRACT said story because they'd gotten it wrong. Apparently it all comes down to an initial report that came into the station's newsroom and NO ONE thought to check with another source to make sure this actually happened! This is the same station that showed the graphic "Man Killed To Death" a few weeks ago. It's also one of the top stations in the market, so, y'know, apparently people love watching a train wreck. That's why so many people watched Britney Spears' reality show. Hey, it could've been worse. It could've been a racist look at Black Friday shoppers last week by a TV station in Baltimore...
Y'know, Black Friday must be really stressful, especially for the REPORTERS...
Personally, I'm sick of the random people who think it's awesome to do stuff during live shots to get on TV. HOWEVER, I do NOT agree with this YouTube poster who decided to use the term "fat kid" in the headline. Not cool, dick.
Hey, give me 30 seconds and I'll give you TWO errors in spelling in a St. Louis newscast. Two things to remember...the town's name is PITTSfield and the word is spelled SOUTHWEST...
Now, for a completely NSFW moment here on Thinking Hard. It's so NSFW, for the first time in a LONG time, I'm posting the link here instead of embedding the video. The Tampa Bay Fox affiliate had to apologize to viewers because during a live postgame show for the Buccaneers last weekend, a camera crew interviewed a player in the locker room...with another player's PENIS being caught on camera behind him! Talk about your "talking head" interviews...
Finally, how do you like your Christmas ruined? Do you prefer to find out from your parents about Santa Claus...or would you rather find out about it from some bitch on an anchor desk? You can thank this Fox Chicago anchor for her efforts in killing Christmas. Her comments start with about :90 left in this clip:
Shopping Mall Santas Scaling Back Kids' Expectations, Profiling Parents: MyFoxCHICAGO.com
YGBFKM! (You gotta be fucking kidding me!) At least they made her apologize and ready angry letters on air...
That really pisses me off. Moreso than the "fat kid" video earlier. ARGH! I'M SO ANGRY! If only there was something that could make me feel better, like an unexpected developing national network story...
| The Daily Show With Jon Stewart | Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c | |||
| Brian Williams' "Nightly News" Fire Alarm | ||||
| ||||
Ahhh...that's the stuff. A quick note...the staff of Thinking Hard (read: me) is heading for holiday vacation this week, but will make every effort to post the annual "Happy Anniversary" blog while on the road. But if for some reason it doesn't come, just remember we asked Santa to deliver it...and Santa doesn't exist, right, Fox Chicago???
-B-
Sunday, November 27, 2011
Pepper Spray...Apparently It's Tasty
Welcome, shoppers, to the Thinking Hard Superstore Black Friday Shoptacular. You'll find aisles of endless deals...like a 400-inch flat-screen TV for just $1. And WE'LL pay YOU if you walk out of the store with ANY computer in our electronics department. Make sure you're armed and dangerous when our doors open at 5am Thanksgiving morning!
Yeah, it's like that. First, some stores opened MUCH earlier this Black Friday than before...mostly because they're not anticipating large holiday crowds because, y'know, the nation's broke. Some opened Thursday night. That pissed off some of the employees who work at those stores. They were upset that their minimum wage job was cutting into their family time. Some advice for those people: don't like it? Grow up and get a real job. Get a career. ANYBODY with an ounce of common sense knows that if you plan to work for any retailer over the holidays, you're going to work shittier hours and deal with more outrageously stupid shoppers. If that doesn't appeal to you, there are newspaper routes and janitorial positions elsewhere. Otherwise, suck it up, because you get Christmas off. (Disclaimer: I have worked retail and I worked retail over the holidays and I know from EXPERIENCE that it sucks...and that's why I pushed myself harder to get a career outside of retail sales.)
And let's talk about the Black Friday shoppers, shall we? We had an arrest for CHILD NEGLECT at a local mall because some stupid woman left her BABY and her 2-YEAR-OLD children in the car at 5am while she went inside to shop. By the way, it was about 30 degrees outside. Well, lady, if you were looking at saving money during the holidays, freezing your kids to death is one way to go... Also, RIDICULOUS amounts of shoppers got into fights at stores across the U.S. Many of those incidents happened at Walmart stores. I don't mean to call Walmart out here (because, hey, I shop there all the time and they have some REALLY good prices on DVDs and food), but come on, shoppers! Yes, some of us joke that Walmart is "Target Of The Damned," but you're not helping STOP that stereotype when (no joke) one of you PEPPER-SPRAYS the other customers in line, just so you can get to the cash register and pay for your stuff! Bunch of idiots that shop at Walmart...and I've seen a LOT of them. And if you ever want to see a retail employee that clearly is pondering suicide, ask a Walmart employee where to find their pet food department. It's like their eyes are just straight black. Hollow. Eerie.
Oh, let's step away from the checkout lanes to discuss pepper spray. Police used pepper spray to get some "Occupy Douchebagia" protestors to leave the University of California. To be fair, the cell phone video shows protestors sitting calmly among the police...and one officer just starts spraying people left and right. The only things missing are police kicking the students and Rodney King looking on saying "Wow, and I thought I had it rough." (google it) Now, I'm sure some of you might be surprised by this, but Fox News anchor Megyn Kelly dropped a comment on Bill O'Reilly's show this week that almost appears to DEFEND the police, implying it's not that bad to be pepper-sprayed. She called it a "food product!"...
After days of internet onslaught, Kelly backpedalled a little to say she wasn't diminishing the actions of police. She just meant to point out that officers were within their rights and what they did becomes more of an ethical question than a legal one. So, yes, Megyn (with a Y) Kelly, pepper spray is essentially a food product...much like pizza is a vegetable. In fact, some bullets in guns are made of iron, which is also present in our bloodstream, so SHOOTING people with iron bullets is more humane than other bullets and should be considered HELPING those people who have natural iron deficiencies in their blood. So, officers, fire away. Let's start with Megyn Kelly, shall we?
Speaking of crazy fucking women that are given WAY too much airtime on Fox News, let's talk about Michele Bachmann. The crazy-eyed GOP presidential candidate made an appearance on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon and his house band, The Roots, played a catchy tune as Bachmann was introduced. Even Bachmann commented that she liked it...until she learned the name of it. It's called "Lyin' Ass Bitch." THEN Bachmann was outraged...
Mrs. Bachmann, if I may, you are exactly right. The Roots should NOT have played "Lyin' Ass Bitch" as you walked in. It was entirely inappropriate. They SHOULD have played Buckcherry's "Crazy Bitch." All I have to do is see you look into a camera and I KNOW that's more accurate.
One more thing before I go...there's a DMV office in Washington, D.C., that EVERYONE should visit. You can get your driver's license...tax stickers...and even find out if you have HIV. That's right. The office gives FREE HIV TESTS. I presume it will also offer condoms to put over your stick shift.
-B-
Yeah, it's like that. First, some stores opened MUCH earlier this Black Friday than before...mostly because they're not anticipating large holiday crowds because, y'know, the nation's broke. Some opened Thursday night. That pissed off some of the employees who work at those stores. They were upset that their minimum wage job was cutting into their family time. Some advice for those people: don't like it? Grow up and get a real job. Get a career. ANYBODY with an ounce of common sense knows that if you plan to work for any retailer over the holidays, you're going to work shittier hours and deal with more outrageously stupid shoppers. If that doesn't appeal to you, there are newspaper routes and janitorial positions elsewhere. Otherwise, suck it up, because you get Christmas off. (Disclaimer: I have worked retail and I worked retail over the holidays and I know from EXPERIENCE that it sucks...and that's why I pushed myself harder to get a career outside of retail sales.)
And let's talk about the Black Friday shoppers, shall we? We had an arrest for CHILD NEGLECT at a local mall because some stupid woman left her BABY and her 2-YEAR-OLD children in the car at 5am while she went inside to shop. By the way, it was about 30 degrees outside. Well, lady, if you were looking at saving money during the holidays, freezing your kids to death is one way to go... Also, RIDICULOUS amounts of shoppers got into fights at stores across the U.S. Many of those incidents happened at Walmart stores. I don't mean to call Walmart out here (because, hey, I shop there all the time and they have some REALLY good prices on DVDs and food), but come on, shoppers! Yes, some of us joke that Walmart is "Target Of The Damned," but you're not helping STOP that stereotype when (no joke) one of you PEPPER-SPRAYS the other customers in line, just so you can get to the cash register and pay for your stuff! Bunch of idiots that shop at Walmart...and I've seen a LOT of them. And if you ever want to see a retail employee that clearly is pondering suicide, ask a Walmart employee where to find their pet food department. It's like their eyes are just straight black. Hollow. Eerie.
Oh, let's step away from the checkout lanes to discuss pepper spray. Police used pepper spray to get some "Occupy Douchebagia" protestors to leave the University of California. To be fair, the cell phone video shows protestors sitting calmly among the police...and one officer just starts spraying people left and right. The only things missing are police kicking the students and Rodney King looking on saying "Wow, and I thought I had it rough." (google it) Now, I'm sure some of you might be surprised by this, but Fox News anchor Megyn Kelly dropped a comment on Bill O'Reilly's show this week that almost appears to DEFEND the police, implying it's not that bad to be pepper-sprayed. She called it a "food product!"...
After days of internet onslaught, Kelly backpedalled a little to say she wasn't diminishing the actions of police. She just meant to point out that officers were within their rights and what they did becomes more of an ethical question than a legal one. So, yes, Megyn (with a Y) Kelly, pepper spray is essentially a food product...much like pizza is a vegetable. In fact, some bullets in guns are made of iron, which is also present in our bloodstream, so SHOOTING people with iron bullets is more humane than other bullets and should be considered HELPING those people who have natural iron deficiencies in their blood. So, officers, fire away. Let's start with Megyn Kelly, shall we?
Speaking of crazy fucking women that are given WAY too much airtime on Fox News, let's talk about Michele Bachmann. The crazy-eyed GOP presidential candidate made an appearance on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon and his house band, The Roots, played a catchy tune as Bachmann was introduced. Even Bachmann commented that she liked it...until she learned the name of it. It's called "Lyin' Ass Bitch." THEN Bachmann was outraged...
Mrs. Bachmann, if I may, you are exactly right. The Roots should NOT have played "Lyin' Ass Bitch" as you walked in. It was entirely inappropriate. They SHOULD have played Buckcherry's "Crazy Bitch." All I have to do is see you look into a camera and I KNOW that's more accurate.
One more thing before I go...there's a DMV office in Washington, D.C., that EVERYONE should visit. You can get your driver's license...tax stickers...and even find out if you have HIV. That's right. The office gives FREE HIV TESTS. I presume it will also offer condoms to put over your stick shift.
-B-
Sunday, November 20, 2011
Job Hunting With Demi, Ashton and Bridget
(A special thanks to start this week's blog to Bridget Russo, for making these pictures possible.)
Hey everyone, I'll try to make this week's blog quick...Ashton's in bed waiting for me. Seriously, Demi's surprised Ashton cheated on her with a younger, less skeletal woman after six years of wedded bliss. I'M more surprised that it took Ashton a WHOLE SIX YEARS to think "Wow, 50's not looking so hot."
Big news this week involving Chesley "Sully" Sullenberger. You might remember him as the airline pilot who made an emergency landing in the middle of the Hudson River, saving his entire crew and passengers. It will CONSTANTLY be referred to as the "Miracle on the Hudson." (See also this blog, which referred to the whole media debacle as the Cirque du Sully) Well, this week, he flew a vintage-ish plane for charity. After he landed, another pilot took off to fly the plane away...but had to make a (wait for it) EMERGENCY LANDING at the airport in Charlotte, North Carolina. Holy crap, Sully! What's up with the planes you're in? You MUST be the world's most dangerous man! In fact, I don't think flying planes is a dangerous enough job for you. You've heard of the cable show "Dirty Jobs with Mike Rowe"? I propose a show called "Dangerous Jobs with Sully...Don't Laugh at My Nickname or I'll Fly Your Plane." Seriously, can you imagine how he'd do at some other jobs?...
Knife salesman. Who better to sell you a set of the sharpest Ginsu knives in the world?? For an added bonus, his infomercial would show him juggling the knives...blindfolded...strapped to the wing of a plane in mid-air...with STILL enough ability to notice when the plane's pilot passed out, so he'd walk up to the cockpit and land the plane safely. In a river. Because it's kind of his thing now. And in his first interview after the averted disaster, his first comments would be "NOW how much would you expect to pay???"
The weird guy who sticks his head in an alligator's mouth. Okay, first, what kind of medical and dental do these guys get, because I'm sort of looking for a new job. Second, how has Sully NOT done this yet? He'd be perfect! The absolute calmest man to ever try it. Wait...is he wearing ALLIGATOR BOOTS? OH MY GOD, HE'S ALREADY DONE IT...AND THE ALLIGATOR LOST!! I envision his last words to that alligator were "Take that, you croc-sucker." Or not. Sully seems pretty clean with his language. I imagine in the cockpit of the Miracle on the Hudson flight, as the plane went down, he shouted "Holy...COW!" and then after the flight he apologized to his co-pilot about the language.
Rancher. Cowboy. Call it what you will, but the mere job has been the prime example for everything macho in the U.S. for decades. It seems like everyone who slaps on that 10-gallon hat suddenly becomes a chick magnet, never mind the alligator boots. Sully would probably still trade the cowboy hat for his pilot's cap. And can you imagine what he'd do to the guys who'd try to steal his cattle? He'd stop them in their middle-of-the-night thievery and say "Gentlemen, I believe you're lost. This is not your farm." And they'd run away in fear. Because Sully is that awesome.
UPS driver. Ladies, have you ever seen a man sexier than some of the guys they hire to drive the UPS vans?...what?...that's a woman??...ew. But think about it. He's the perfect choice. He had more experience with Brown than most people...did you CHECK the underwear of the passengers on the Miracle on the Hudson plane? It's a good thing they landed in a dirty river: "What? No, of COURSE I didn't crap my pants! I must've picked up something from the Hudson."
Window washer. One of my favorites. C'mon, this suits Sully so PERFECTLY. Consider this: window washers spend most of their days HUNDREDS of feet in the air. For Sully, that would be like going from riding the Regurgitron 5000 roller coaster to the Ladybug kiddie ride! And as a pilot, he has to pay close attention to meticulous details, just like a window washer making sure he didn't miss any spots...as well as making sure the brakes are set on the platform hanging hundreds of feet in the air. And don't have any safety concerns for Sully. If the platform starts falling, he'll find a way to land that thing in a bucket of water.
Finally, the job with the most potential danger of all...
Look, there's GREAT potential for screaming kids at any ice cream parlor. And even though the PASSENGERS of Sully's flights are WELL-accustomed to the hollering and bawling of small children (parents, PLEASE give us ear plugs...it's the humane thing to do), Sully himself is not. He's locked in a soundproof cockpit with a headset on, listening to air traffic control chatter. In fact, I imagine he considered a career as a flight attendant, but decided to be a pilot instead JUST so he could avoid hearing the screaming young'uns. (Great name for a band, by the way...Screaming Young'uns) So if he dared work at an ice cream parlor, he'd practice the one skill he'd absolutely need to prevent a child from crying. Picture this: a child orders a single scoop of Rocky Road ice cream. Sully scoops it up and politely hands it to the child. The child takes one lick of the ice cream...and bumps the scoop off the cone, sending it plummeting to the floor. Sully, wasting no time, goes all Matrix-like and DIVES over the counter, reaching out his arm just as the ice cream barrels toward the linoleum. And at the last possible second GRABS the scoop and places it back on the child's cone, thus averting disaster. Because, you know, that's how he rolls.
Before I leave you today, a quick update on the Penn State scandal...and quite a shocker on national TV this week:
Bob Costas would later recount that he had planned a sit-down interview with Sandusky's attorney and about ten minutes before air time, that attorney said "What if I could get Jerry on the phone?" Attorney for Jerry Sandusky...the one job even SULLY isn't crazy enough to do.
-B-
Hey everyone, I'll try to make this week's blog quick...Ashton's in bed waiting for me. Seriously, Demi's surprised Ashton cheated on her with a younger, less skeletal woman after six years of wedded bliss. I'M more surprised that it took Ashton a WHOLE SIX YEARS to think "Wow, 50's not looking so hot."
Big news this week involving Chesley "Sully" Sullenberger. You might remember him as the airline pilot who made an emergency landing in the middle of the Hudson River, saving his entire crew and passengers. It will CONSTANTLY be referred to as the "Miracle on the Hudson." (See also this blog, which referred to the whole media debacle as the Cirque du Sully) Well, this week, he flew a vintage-ish plane for charity. After he landed, another pilot took off to fly the plane away...but had to make a (wait for it) EMERGENCY LANDING at the airport in Charlotte, North Carolina. Holy crap, Sully! What's up with the planes you're in? You MUST be the world's most dangerous man! In fact, I don't think flying planes is a dangerous enough job for you. You've heard of the cable show "Dirty Jobs with Mike Rowe"? I propose a show called "Dangerous Jobs with Sully...Don't Laugh at My Nickname or I'll Fly Your Plane." Seriously, can you imagine how he'd do at some other jobs?...
Knife salesman. Who better to sell you a set of the sharpest Ginsu knives in the world?? For an added bonus, his infomercial would show him juggling the knives...blindfolded...strapped to the wing of a plane in mid-air...with STILL enough ability to notice when the plane's pilot passed out, so he'd walk up to the cockpit and land the plane safely. In a river. Because it's kind of his thing now. And in his first interview after the averted disaster, his first comments would be "NOW how much would you expect to pay???"
The weird guy who sticks his head in an alligator's mouth. Okay, first, what kind of medical and dental do these guys get, because I'm sort of looking for a new job. Second, how has Sully NOT done this yet? He'd be perfect! The absolute calmest man to ever try it. Wait...is he wearing ALLIGATOR BOOTS? OH MY GOD, HE'S ALREADY DONE IT...AND THE ALLIGATOR LOST!! I envision his last words to that alligator were "Take that, you croc-sucker." Or not. Sully seems pretty clean with his language. I imagine in the cockpit of the Miracle on the Hudson flight, as the plane went down, he shouted "Holy...COW!" and then after the flight he apologized to his co-pilot about the language.
Rancher. Cowboy. Call it what you will, but the mere job has been the prime example for everything macho in the U.S. for decades. It seems like everyone who slaps on that 10-gallon hat suddenly becomes a chick magnet, never mind the alligator boots. Sully would probably still trade the cowboy hat for his pilot's cap. And can you imagine what he'd do to the guys who'd try to steal his cattle? He'd stop them in their middle-of-the-night thievery and say "Gentlemen, I believe you're lost. This is not your farm." And they'd run away in fear. Because Sully is that awesome.
UPS driver. Ladies, have you ever seen a man sexier than some of the guys they hire to drive the UPS vans?...what?...that's a woman??...ew. But think about it. He's the perfect choice. He had more experience with Brown than most people...did you CHECK the underwear of the passengers on the Miracle on the Hudson plane? It's a good thing they landed in a dirty river: "What? No, of COURSE I didn't crap my pants! I must've picked up something from the Hudson."
Window washer. One of my favorites. C'mon, this suits Sully so PERFECTLY. Consider this: window washers spend most of their days HUNDREDS of feet in the air. For Sully, that would be like going from riding the Regurgitron 5000 roller coaster to the Ladybug kiddie ride! And as a pilot, he has to pay close attention to meticulous details, just like a window washer making sure he didn't miss any spots...as well as making sure the brakes are set on the platform hanging hundreds of feet in the air. And don't have any safety concerns for Sully. If the platform starts falling, he'll find a way to land that thing in a bucket of water.
Finally, the job with the most potential danger of all...
Look, there's GREAT potential for screaming kids at any ice cream parlor. And even though the PASSENGERS of Sully's flights are WELL-accustomed to the hollering and bawling of small children (parents, PLEASE give us ear plugs...it's the humane thing to do), Sully himself is not. He's locked in a soundproof cockpit with a headset on, listening to air traffic control chatter. In fact, I imagine he considered a career as a flight attendant, but decided to be a pilot instead JUST so he could avoid hearing the screaming young'uns. (Great name for a band, by the way...Screaming Young'uns) So if he dared work at an ice cream parlor, he'd practice the one skill he'd absolutely need to prevent a child from crying. Picture this: a child orders a single scoop of Rocky Road ice cream. Sully scoops it up and politely hands it to the child. The child takes one lick of the ice cream...and bumps the scoop off the cone, sending it plummeting to the floor. Sully, wasting no time, goes all Matrix-like and DIVES over the counter, reaching out his arm just as the ice cream barrels toward the linoleum. And at the last possible second GRABS the scoop and places it back on the child's cone, thus averting disaster. Because, you know, that's how he rolls.
Before I leave you today, a quick update on the Penn State scandal...and quite a shocker on national TV this week:
| The Daily Show With Jon Stewart | Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c | |||
| Jerry Sandusky Phone Interview | ||||
| ||||
Bob Costas would later recount that he had planned a sit-down interview with Sandusky's attorney and about ten minutes before air time, that attorney said "What if I could get Jerry on the phone?" Attorney for Jerry Sandusky...the one job even SULLY isn't crazy enough to do.
-B-
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)