Maybe We Should Do This Mid-Week Thing More Often

We'll get to the blog in just a moment, but first, an unprecedented crime alert out of Phoenix...and a slight bit of redundancy...



You see what I did there?

Also, along those lines, check out this arrest! No wonder the woman looks so happy!

Hey, anyone celebrate International Talk Like A Pirate Day? This horse race should be watched EVERY YEAR on September 19...



Hey, anyone played Grand Theft Auto 5 yet? If not, here's a review that will probably give you a good idea of what to expect...apparently a lot of strip clubbing...



Let's do all this again in a week, shall we?

-B-

I Know, I Know, I'm Running Late

I just haven't had the time to blog this week and thought about taking my birthday off, but decided against it, so let's roll.

Anthony Weiner...lost the New York City mayor's race. BIG time. And rather than fade back into obscurity like Elliot Spitzer, who ALSO lost his race (for NYC comptroller), Weiner made one final big splash in the headlines:



Ah, yes, Mr. Weiner, keeping it classy by flippin' the bird. That'll show those New York voters what they missed out on. I guess they'll just have to find some OTHER dude's penis-pic online.

A quick note...a dozen people (as of the printing of this blog) were killed at the Navy Yard in Washington, D.C., this week, along with the man who murdered them. It's coming out now that he had security clearance AND several mental disorders, like paranoia and hearing voices. Shouldn't there be some more IN-DEPTH SCREENING to make sure these people DON'T have access to top military leaders and/or guns?

Now, let's go live to this guy in Macon, Georgia, for some story that apparently doesn't even matter to HIM...



That's just a quick snippit of the craziness of the world...minus the stuff about Syria, because, let's face it, aren't we all about sick of Syria by now?

-B-

Late, But No Less Awesome

Forgive me...I was tired yesterday morning.

Hey, I tried to get a job in this place...to work on this particular show. But to be fair, the woman on set is kinda saying everything I'm thinking...



Hey, Anthony Weiner's about to lose the primary for New York City's mayor...never too soon to try out for a new job:

New York News

Now we just need to make sure he doesn't talk about an "extended warm front" and point to his crotch.

Finally, Jon Stewart's back on The Daily Show. Welcome back, Jon. Great job, John Oliver. Now, you know how it is...you take a vacation and you come back to work and you have to get all caught up...



Danger!...Danger!...

-B-

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Time To Go To Twerk

First, I'd like to give a special greeting to (apparently) my longtime readers, the National Security Agency. I assume that you have a sense of humor...since you haven't sent agents to my home yet.

Okay, so I'm sure many of you have been waiting all week for me to address the hot-mess topic of the week (nope, not Khloe Kardashian...though I hear she hates when people talk shit about her family). So for those of you who haven't seen it yet, here's the clip that everyone is talking about...



I'm sure you probably figured out that we're not talking about Smiley Iris (yes, I meant to type it like that...I can't guarantee that typing her actual name won't put me on a watch list) just yet. That was actually a clip from the (who knew THIS existed) Miss Philippines USA pageant. And in case you're trying to recap this for your friends and co-workers, let me present you with a transcript of this second-place finisher for the "Biggest Abortion on a Stage This Week" award:

Presenter: Among the five senses, what do you prefer to have if you could only have one and why?...Would you like me to repeat that?

Contestant: No. Thank you for that wonderful question. If I have to pick out of FIVE senses, I would pick 'seeing.' Because seeing is the best sense that we can ever see because seeing...is believing. And believing into what you see is perfect. And...um...out of all those senses...um...seeing...would...really...be wonderful because thank you.

Hey, wait, you forgot about the maps and such!!! Maybe she SHOULD have had the question repeated. Although, to be fair, it WAS kind of a ridiculous question. I wonder if they had 5th-graders submit the questions.

Okay, let's dive right into Miley (ew). Surely by now you've seen the clip of Miley gyrating on a foam finger and twerking on Robin Thicke (I really can't tell the difference between the two of them) at the MTV Video Music Awards last week. I'm not showing it here. Go Google it on your own. I don't have a LOT of good taste, but I have to draw the line somewhere. No, we're gonna add a little CLASS to that ridiculous display of "Pay attention to meeeeeee!" We're gonna have a FULLY CLOTHED person present the bizarreness of the incident. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome...the man who just woke up from an on-air nap to do this shenanigan...Mr. MORGAN FREEMAN!



I hope Miley gets Shawshanked. But if I could wake up every day to Morgan Freeman saying the phrase "thrusting hip movements," I could die happy. Seriously, I think Miley's performance set women's rights back about 100 years. I will appreciate, however, the blog post this week by a woman who didn't want her daughter to ever pull shit like that. It's a great case of "people who have good parents who give a shit DON'T do stupid bullshit like that." So, please let me present in its entirety, the letter this mother posted on roadkillgoldfish.com ...

Dear daughter, let Miley Cyrus be a lesson to you.

Yes, this is what happens when you constantly hear everything you do is awesome. This is what happens when people fawn over your every Tweet and Instagram photo. This is what happens when no responsible adult has ever said the word “no,” made you change your clothes before leaving the house, or never spanked your butt for deliberate defiance.

If you ever even consider doing something like that, I promise you that I will run up and twerk so you will see how ridiculous twerking looks. I will duct tape your mouth shut so your tongue doesn’t hang out like an overheated hound dog. I will smack any male whom you decide to smash against his pelvis – after I first knock you on your butt for forgetting how a lady acts in public.

Why would I do that? Because I love you and I want you to respect yourself. Miley Cyrus is not edgy or cool or sexy. She’s a desperate girl screaming for attention: Notice me. Tell me I’m pretty. See how hot I am. I know all the guys want me. All the girls want to be me.

You probably know girls who will emulate this behavior at the next school dance. Don’t do it with them. You are far too valuable to sell yourself so cheaply. Walk away. Let the boys gawk and know in your heart that they see only a body that can be used for their pleasure and then forgotten.

I’m sorry if you’ve ever felt sad because I haven’t gushed over everything you’ve done. My role is to praise when praise is due, but also to offer constructive criticism and correction when it is needed as well. I’m sorry if you’ve ever felt demoralized because your Instagram following isn’t in the thousands, and I’m sorry those “selfies” can never capture how amazingly beautiful you truly are. I’m sorry if you’ve ever wished you had a friend instead of a mom, and I promise you that I will probably get worse when you hit high school.

Dear daughter, I am going to fight or die trying to keep you from becoming like the Miley Cyruses of the world.

You can thank me later.

I really like the sentiment behind that. It's nice to know there are parents out there who care. And if I have but one wish, it's that something ELSE happens this week to ensure I don't have to sit through another week of clips about TWERKING!!!!

-B-

It's All About The Backlash

You know the saying "Bad press is better than no press," right? Well then it's been a pretty good week for two key figures in TV and movies...

Let's start with Dr. Phil. Mr. "You need to make a change fer YOU" took to Twitter this week with a fairly controversial question to draw a response from viewers. It said "If a girl is drunk, is it OK to have sex with her?" Now, that's not to say that I haven't taken women out, gotten them drunk, then had sex with them. However, it was all consensual, and I think the question Dr. Phil was asking was about non-consensual stuff...also known as rape. Twitter users also believed that to be the line of questioning and kinda tore the Doc a new one. One of the responders wrote "If Dr. Phil is drunk, is it okay for him to tweet?" Look, America, I get it. The phrasing of Dr. Phil's question could have been so much better. Like "Do you agree with raping a drunk girl?" But let's consider this from a PR standpoint. The way the question was phrased started a major firestorm on the interwebs. It got people talking about Dr. Phil again, which, if you're not living in North Carolina looking for a missing teenage girl, no one is really doing (but he usually does some major shit in his season premiere, so I'll be watching for that...or not). People will tune in to this particular episode to see how the Doc effs things up...but will over the course of the hour learn a valuable lesson from "Big 'Stache." After all, the Doc has to make his money. He can't just offer those mustache rides for free. (I'm kidding, Big Phil!)

Now to the other big internet outrage...Ben Affleck will be the next Batman. No joke. He'll be playing the Dark Knight in the Batman/Superman movie that I swore I was so excited about just 4 days ago. Now, let's address something here...Ben Affleck is not a bad actor (see Argo). Ben Affleck has shown he can at least REASONABLY portray superheroes on film (see Daredevil...but pretend Jennifer Garner isn't in it). But can he pull off Batman? Sure, he can pass for an adorkable Bruce Wayne...which kinda flies in the face of the socially awkward but dashingly handsome Bruce Wayne we've seen for years. Shit, they relied so heavily on "handsome" they had George Fucking Clooney (seriously, that's his middle name) play him in one (godawful) film! But can he do BATMAN??? There are some people out there who say this is a response similar to the announcement that Heath Ledger was going to play the Joker. Y'know, the portrayal that got him a posthumous Oscar nomination. To be fair, there had been nothing prior to "The Dark Knight" that showed whether Ledger could or could not pull off a brutal villain like the Joker. So a lot of that criticism was probably unfounded. But we've SEEN Affleck do a superhero movie...with "meh" results. Honestly, a lot of it will probably come down to the script and directing. The greatest writer and the best director can polish a turd with relative ease. So I'll go on the record so I can come back to this in a couple years and see what I wrote...I hope Affleck does well as Batman. I think it'd be another great opportunity (like Argo) to step out of the Affleck/Damon shadow that Matt Damon leapt out of almost immediately into a successful career. Ben, best of luck to you. You're going to step into a franchise that I have a LOT of love for. Individually, Batman is amazing and I enjoy him enough I got the bat-signal tattooed on my arm. The Batman/Superman comics have been AWESOME for the most part. So you have been offered a great part in a great legacy. More power to you. But it will probably be the deal-breaker for me and I won't see it.

I'm done bitching for the day. Go back to your regularly scheduled activities of porn and cute cat videos (but never both at once...NEVER. BOTH. AT. ONCE.)...

-B-

This One's A Quickie

First, I saw "We're The Millers" last night. Entertaining. Also, Emma Roberts and Jennifer Aniston? Call me.

I don't think anything in this next clip will surprise people, given all of the jokes and movies that feature people on TV wearing more CASUAL attire behind the newsdesk, but it still amuses me when people get called out on it:

Boston News, Weather, Sports | FOX 25 | MyFoxBoston

Wow, speaking of WHITEY BULGER...yuck. For the record, I usually blog without pants...awkward...

Hey, let's bring this bad boy home with a clip from John Oliver's last week as interim host of The Daily Show. I just want to say that watching him has been very entertaining and I hope this means very good things for his career...



G'day indeed! Foster's...Australian for how voters can stomach going to the polls.

-B-

It's Shark Week!

We'll get to that in a second, but first, some (quite literally) breaking news...regarding a hailstorm in Minnesota:



Yeah, that sucks. Hey, you guys know by now how much I enjoy The Daily Show. And you probably also know how much I loathe the backwoods North Carolina political scene. So THIS segment makes me happy. And has me thinking about motorcycle helmets...



So now, back to our lead story...it's Shark Week. One of my top favorite ocean-predator-themed weeks of television coverage...besides "7 Days of the Orca" and "Dolphin Rape Week." But it appears the kids over at the Discovery Channel are catching a little flack...



They really should just have done what the idiotically-spelled SyFy channel did (seriously, where are the Ys in "science" and "fiction"???) and just thrown Tara Reid and Beverly Hills 90210-alum Ian Ziering into it. Speaking of, be sure to catch...and I swear I'm not making this up...the original SyFy channel movie, "Ghost Shark," coming next month. The brilliant idea behind this is the aforementioned "shark of ghosts" will kill you if you have any water on you...AT ALL. "Just when you thought it was safe to splash a little cool water on your face..." Also, I should point out, after an extensive social media campaign, the kids at Syfy also came up with a subtitle for their "Sharknado 2" film. Before I reveal this to you, I want to make sure you understand that the channel reports it got something like 1,000 ideas for names. Knowing how people on social media think, you're probably only guaranteed about 20 GOOD ideas...which means there's no excuse for this: "Sharknado 2: The Second One." #facepalm Here's a trailer...



I'll totally watch that...but only if that sexy co-star starts taking off her clothes. Hey, a quick shout-out this morning...congratulations to Nate and Kim on the birth of their first child, Lizzy. I have seen this beautiful child and she has what Nate describes as a "great startled look" when she's nudged while sleeping. Her arms shoot up and shake a little...like one of those skinny inflatable things outside car dealers.

I'm out.
-B-