First, I'd like to give a special greeting to (apparently) my longtime readers, the National Security Agency. I assume that you have a sense of humor...since you haven't sent agents to my home yet.
Okay, so I'm sure many of you have been waiting all week for me to address the hot-mess topic of the week (nope, not Khloe Kardashian...though I hear she hates when people talk shit about her family). So for those of you who haven't seen it yet, here's the clip that everyone is talking about...
I'm sure you probably figured out that we're not talking about Smiley Iris (yes, I meant to type it like that...I can't guarantee that typing her actual name won't put me on a watch list) just yet. That was actually a clip from the (who knew THIS existed) Miss Philippines USA pageant. And in case you're trying to recap this for your friends and co-workers, let me present you with a transcript of this second-place finisher for the "Biggest Abortion on a Stage This Week" award:
Presenter: Among the five senses, what do you prefer to have if you could only have one and why?...Would you like me to repeat that?
Contestant: No. Thank you for that wonderful question. If I have to pick out of FIVE senses, I would pick 'seeing.' Because seeing is the best sense that we can ever see because seeing...is believing. And believing into what you see is perfect. And...um...out of all those senses...um...seeing...would...really...be wonderful because thank you.
Hey, wait, you forgot about the maps and such!!! Maybe she SHOULD have had the question repeated. Although, to be fair, it WAS kind of a ridiculous question. I wonder if they had 5th-graders submit the questions.
Okay, let's dive right into Miley (ew). Surely by now you've seen the clip of Miley gyrating on a foam finger and twerking on Robin Thicke (I really can't tell the difference between the two of them) at the MTV Video Music Awards last week. I'm not showing it here. Go Google it on your own. I don't have a LOT of good taste, but I have to draw the line somewhere. No, we're gonna add a little CLASS to that ridiculous display of "Pay attention to meeeeeee!" We're gonna have a FULLY CLOTHED person present the bizarreness of the incident. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome...the man who just woke up from an on-air nap to do this shenanigan...Mr. MORGAN FREEMAN!
I hope Miley gets Shawshanked. But if I could wake up every day to Morgan Freeman saying the phrase "thrusting hip movements," I could die happy. Seriously, I think Miley's performance set women's rights back about 100 years. I will appreciate, however, the blog post this week by a woman who didn't want her daughter to ever pull shit like that. It's a great case of "people who have good parents who give a shit DON'T do stupid bullshit like that." So, please let me present in its entirety, the letter this mother posted on roadkillgoldfish.com ...
Dear daughter, let Miley Cyrus be a lesson to you.
Yes, this is what happens when you constantly hear everything you do is awesome. This is what happens when people fawn over your every Tweet and Instagram photo. This is what happens when no responsible adult has ever said the word “no,” made you change your clothes before leaving the house, or never spanked your butt for deliberate defiance.
If you ever even consider doing something like that, I promise you that I will run up and twerk so you will see how ridiculous twerking looks. I will duct tape your mouth shut so your tongue doesn’t hang out like an overheated hound dog. I will smack any male whom you decide to smash against his pelvis – after I first knock you on your butt for forgetting how a lady acts in public.
Why would I do that? Because I love you and I want you to respect yourself. Miley Cyrus is not edgy or cool or sexy. She’s a desperate girl screaming for attention: Notice me. Tell me I’m pretty. See how hot I am. I know all the guys want me. All the girls want to be me.
You probably know girls who will emulate this behavior at the next school dance. Don’t do it with them. You are far too valuable to sell yourself so cheaply. Walk away. Let the boys gawk and know in your heart that they see only a body that can be used for their pleasure and then forgotten.
I’m sorry if you’ve ever felt sad because I haven’t gushed over everything you’ve done. My role is to praise when praise is due, but also to offer constructive criticism and correction when it is needed as well. I’m sorry if you’ve ever felt demoralized because your Instagram following isn’t in the thousands, and I’m sorry those “selfies” can never capture how amazingly beautiful you truly are. I’m sorry if you’ve ever wished you had a friend instead of a mom, and I promise you that I will probably get worse when you hit high school.
Dear daughter, I am going to fight or die trying to keep you from becoming like the Miley Cyruses of the world.
You can thank me later.
I really like the sentiment behind that. It's nice to know there are parents out there who care. And if I have but one wish, it's that something ELSE happens this week to ensure I don't have to sit through another week of clips about TWERKING!!!!
-B-
