Okay, maybe not a boat, but I AM on vacation. Kicking back in the 60-degree highs of Chicago...SO much more comfortable than the heat and humidity in Charlotte.
Caught a little of the Ted Kennedy funeral coverage. It's hard to believe he's actually gone. Now who's going to drink all of my hard liquor and kill beautiful young women by driving off bridges? I mean, Mark Sanford isn't necessarily stepping up HIS game.
Anyway, you only get a Twitter-sized chunk of the world today because I'm on a boa...er, on vacation. But we'll have more fun next week. Now, I have to go referee what sounds like a fight between my sister's two pugs...I wonder if Michael Vick's available.
-B-
Sunday, August 30, 2009
Sunday, August 23, 2009
Make It Quick...I Have A "Death Panel" In 5
Welcome back to Thinking Hard With Andy And Blaine...or as I like to call it, THWAAB. Catchy, huh?
I would like to touch on an item that made it into last week's blog, a trivial tidbit of news that I almost decided to leave out because no one's talking about. There's apparently some health care reform bill going around Washington, DC, spreading faster than the flu AND the paper money that has traces of cocaine of it (y'know, THAT explains a LOT of the bills I see coming out of congress...). It's a discussion that requires people to READ and PAY ATTENTION at town meetings to learn what's in the bill..and realize a lot of the BS about "death panels" is just hyperbole being spewed by the same people who think President Obama was born in Kenya and not the United States. They also believe everyone's out to get them (but, hell, who's to argue with that?). I've seen all kinds of ridiculous town hall meetings, where lawmakers try to answer questions about the health reform bill, but no one will listen because they're too busy screaming about people killing their grandmas. ENOUGH! They're not doing their own research because they're afraid of the internet. They're not listening at town hall meetings because they're afraid their hearing aids will make them look old and feeble. No, their RANDOM SCREAMING makes them look old and feeble! Earlier this week, President Obama suggested he would take the public-option plan off the table. Okay, fine. Fuck you, old people. When you're shelling out your life savings for prescriptions, doctor's visits and unnecessary procedures from your current PRIVATE doctor, don't come crying to me. And more importantly, don't come crying to Barney Frank:
(I love Barney Frank.)
Do books wrapped in GOAT-SKIN sound like something missing from your current summer reading list? Then run for governor of Alaska! The Associated Press got its grimy, newsprint-covered hands on a disclosure form this week from former-Alaska-governor, former-illiterate, current-bane-of-my-existence Sarah Palin. The form shows gifts she received while in office this year. They include (not making this up) a personalized gun case, a hand-painted plate with Palin's face on it (now available on late-night infomercials) and (again, NOT making this up) A BIBLE BOUND IN GOAT SKIN! Worst Christmas presents ever. Can you imagine Trig's 5th birthday party invitations? "Come on down to the home of the best soccer mom ever, but don't invite the liberal media. We're gonna celebrate Trig's 5th birthday! We'll roast some wolf and play a little "Put The Lipstick On The Pitbull." But you're not allowed to come without at least two dead animals on your shoulder at the door..dontchaknow."
Let's wrap this up with a stroll down memory lane. If you are big into FaceTwit or whatever it's called nowadays (you young'uns and your newfangled interwebs...back in MY day...), you've probably read and sent (REPEATEDLY...stop sending it to me!) the researchers' list of ways to tell you're old...er, rather, the list of research that reflects the current generation gap with this year's high school graduates. You know, it's crap like "They've never heard of Atari." Well, this year's Beloit College study points out that "kids these days" never saw Saved by the Bell on Saturday morning. For that matter, they've always seen NEWS on Saturday mornings. Y'know, I remember the days when I'd get up and watch Scooby-Doo and Saturday Supercade (google it) on Saturday mornings, essentially drying out my brain for any future intelligent endeavors. But hey, it was fun. Then I remember the first time a network put NEWS on a Saturday morning. I believe my exact response was "What the fuck is this???" The networks had betrayed me. All of my favorite Saturday morning cartoons..gone. Ah, those were the days. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a "death panel" to get to.
-B-
I would like to touch on an item that made it into last week's blog, a trivial tidbit of news that I almost decided to leave out because no one's talking about. There's apparently some health care reform bill going around Washington, DC, spreading faster than the flu AND the paper money that has traces of cocaine of it (y'know, THAT explains a LOT of the bills I see coming out of congress...). It's a discussion that requires people to READ and PAY ATTENTION at town meetings to learn what's in the bill..and realize a lot of the BS about "death panels" is just hyperbole being spewed by the same people who think President Obama was born in Kenya and not the United States. They also believe everyone's out to get them (but, hell, who's to argue with that?). I've seen all kinds of ridiculous town hall meetings, where lawmakers try to answer questions about the health reform bill, but no one will listen because they're too busy screaming about people killing their grandmas. ENOUGH! They're not doing their own research because they're afraid of the internet. They're not listening at town hall meetings because they're afraid their hearing aids will make them look old and feeble. No, their RANDOM SCREAMING makes them look old and feeble! Earlier this week, President Obama suggested he would take the public-option plan off the table. Okay, fine. Fuck you, old people. When you're shelling out your life savings for prescriptions, doctor's visits and unnecessary procedures from your current PRIVATE doctor, don't come crying to me. And more importantly, don't come crying to Barney Frank:
| The Daily Show With Jon Stewart | Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c | |||
| Barney Frank's Town Hall Snaps | ||||
| ||||
(I love Barney Frank.)
Do books wrapped in GOAT-SKIN sound like something missing from your current summer reading list? Then run for governor of Alaska! The Associated Press got its grimy, newsprint-covered hands on a disclosure form this week from former-Alaska-governor, former-illiterate, current-bane-of-my-existence Sarah Palin. The form shows gifts she received while in office this year. They include (not making this up) a personalized gun case, a hand-painted plate with Palin's face on it (now available on late-night infomercials) and (again, NOT making this up) A BIBLE BOUND IN GOAT SKIN! Worst Christmas presents ever. Can you imagine Trig's 5th birthday party invitations? "Come on down to the home of the best soccer mom ever, but don't invite the liberal media. We're gonna celebrate Trig's 5th birthday! We'll roast some wolf and play a little "Put The Lipstick On The Pitbull." But you're not allowed to come without at least two dead animals on your shoulder at the door..dontchaknow."
Let's wrap this up with a stroll down memory lane. If you are big into FaceTwit or whatever it's called nowadays (you young'uns and your newfangled interwebs...back in MY day...), you've probably read and sent (REPEATEDLY...stop sending it to me!) the researchers' list of ways to tell you're old...er, rather, the list of research that reflects the current generation gap with this year's high school graduates. You know, it's crap like "They've never heard of Atari." Well, this year's Beloit College study points out that "kids these days" never saw Saved by the Bell on Saturday morning. For that matter, they've always seen NEWS on Saturday mornings. Y'know, I remember the days when I'd get up and watch Scooby-Doo and Saturday Supercade (google it) on Saturday mornings, essentially drying out my brain for any future intelligent endeavors. But hey, it was fun. Then I remember the first time a network put NEWS on a Saturday morning. I believe my exact response was "What the fuck is this???" The networks had betrayed me. All of my favorite Saturday morning cartoons..gone. Ah, those were the days. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a "death panel" to get to.
-B-
Sunday, August 16, 2009
It's Contagious
It's spreading like an epidemic! Rooms full of people are catching it! All it takes is one person to start the spread! It's...ignorance. Or, as I like to refer to it, the H1Nutjob Virus (see also the "Whine Flu"). It's sad, really, that what could be a spirited, intellectual debate about the future of America's health care system is being brought down by a shitload of ill-informed people at town hall meetings, the same people who somehow have learned to be the LOUDEST idiots of the bunch. Apparently, we're living in a situation of "Survival of the Loudest," or "I-Win-ism." Here's the deal: Obama's looking to try something new with the health care system. He wants to add a government program that doesn't just work with the elderly (Medicare) or the poor (Medicaid). Seems like a noble cause, right? Well, thanks to the hard-hitting "journalism" of Fox "News," Joe Public's Grandma seems to think that the government will soon be in the business of letting old people die. Really? Is Medicare that bad??? What these people who still can't figure out the internet SHOULD be concerned about is how the government plans to pay for this idea...NOT whether they will face a "death panel" (I STILL don't know what that is!). So, back to my point...the opportunities for these people to learn at the town hall meetings are overshadowed by the fact that they won't SHUT THE FUCK UP and listen for a second before they start shouting angrily at every politician they see. Really, people? Lord, no WONDER Bush got re-elected. For more on this story, here's Jon Stewart:
And how about a little love for Fucks "News"...
Y'know, I saw a book on the shelf this week called "Glenn Beck's Common Sense" and I thought to myself, "Self...(because I like to formally address myself)...look, I found Glenn Beck's Common Sense! Someone should REALLY return it to him." Now, here's my gift to you. When you have a moment, I implore you to read the House version of the health care reform bill, just so YOU can see what's in it...and NOT show up to town hall meetings like a screaming idiot.
I wonder if Heidi Montag/Pratt/Who? will have her new "augmentation" covered under HER health plan. She tells Playboy Magazine that she wants to get even MORE work done on her chest for her husband, Spencer Pratt. Look at that..at 22, Heidi's ALREADY making bad decisions for her marriage. I figured it would take at LEAST until she hit 25. Well, Heidi, it's good to see that Spencer doesn't love you for who you are. Also, how are you going to pay for this? It's not like you do ANYTHING that brings in income. Maybe a second MTV "reality" show, also called "The Hills"?
Here's something you don't see everyday...Lady Gaga, y'know, the chick that sings "Poker Face" and "Just Dance," says she's a hermaphrodite. Whoa, that's dangerous! I mean, if her blood is too thin to clot, then if she's ever hurt...wait, what?...oh, HEMOPHILIAC, huh?...my bad. Okay, well, I'm not one to judge someone based on their eating habits, but if she only wants to eat plants, then she...I'm sorry?...oh, HERBIVORE, huh?...my bad...well, then what does Herma-...oh. *gulp*
*ahem*
So, Lady Gaga said this week she's a hermaphrodite. Y'know, I still think she has a cute face. So what if she has a penis too? I'd be more than happy to give her a reacharound. How would I refer to her then? "Chude?" "Dick" seems a little mean... She also goes on to say that she has a tiny penis. Look, Gaga, I know you haven't been a "chude" for very long, but let me give you a little advice on being a man: don't EVER admit to having a tiny penis. Any woman that hits on you will never let you "Poke 'er Face."
-B-
| The Daily Show With Jon Stewart | Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c | |||
| Healther Skelter | ||||
| ||||
And how about a little love for Fucks "News"...
| The Daily Show With Jon Stewart | Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c | |||
| Glenn Beck's Operation | ||||
| ||||
Y'know, I saw a book on the shelf this week called "Glenn Beck's Common Sense" and I thought to myself, "Self...(because I like to formally address myself)...look, I found Glenn Beck's Common Sense! Someone should REALLY return it to him." Now, here's my gift to you. When you have a moment, I implore you to read the House version of the health care reform bill, just so YOU can see what's in it...and NOT show up to town hall meetings like a screaming idiot.
I wonder if Heidi Montag/Pratt/Who? will have her new "augmentation" covered under HER health plan. She tells Playboy Magazine that she wants to get even MORE work done on her chest for her husband, Spencer Pratt. Look at that..at 22, Heidi's ALREADY making bad decisions for her marriage. I figured it would take at LEAST until she hit 25. Well, Heidi, it's good to see that Spencer doesn't love you for who you are. Also, how are you going to pay for this? It's not like you do ANYTHING that brings in income. Maybe a second MTV "reality" show, also called "The Hills"?
Here's something you don't see everyday...Lady Gaga, y'know, the chick that sings "Poker Face" and "Just Dance," says she's a hermaphrodite. Whoa, that's dangerous! I mean, if her blood is too thin to clot, then if she's ever hurt...wait, what?...oh, HEMOPHILIAC, huh?...my bad. Okay, well, I'm not one to judge someone based on their eating habits, but if she only wants to eat plants, then she...I'm sorry?...oh, HERBIVORE, huh?...my bad...well, then what does Herma-...oh. *gulp*
*ahem*
So, Lady Gaga said this week she's a hermaphrodite. Y'know, I still think she has a cute face. So what if she has a penis too? I'd be more than happy to give her a reacharound. How would I refer to her then? "Chude?" "Dick" seems a little mean... She also goes on to say that she has a tiny penis. Look, Gaga, I know you haven't been a "chude" for very long, but let me give you a little advice on being a man: don't EVER admit to having a tiny penis. Any woman that hits on you will never let you "Poke 'er Face."
-B-
Sunday, August 9, 2009
Wow, what's wrong with HIS blog??
Okay, so let me start off with one of the major news events of the week...a guy walked into a fitness center in Pennsylvania earlier this week with a duffel bag, pulled out a gun, turned out the lights and fired 52 shots into a workout class. He killed three people, injured several others (including a pregnant woman) and finally turned the gun on himself. The media later found his blog, which had a bunch of written and video posts about himself...you can find it easily if you search the keywords "whiny," "I can't get any," and "Why am I so weird-looking?" Yes, Captain A-hole spends the bulk of his blog in a self-pity-fuck, trying to figure out why no women want to go out with him, especially since he's apparently better-looking than the next guy (if the next guy is the Elephant Man). Here's one of the guy's problems...he's 40-something and has a copy of "How to Date Younger Women" (yes, there IS such a book) on his coffee table. Really? I'm all for self-help books on dating, but how about we START in your own age bracket, THEN move on to the kiddie pool? Maybe he should have also picked up the book "Why You Shouldn't Take Others With You When You Commit Suicide." Seriously. I'm aware there are only a couple of handfuls of people who read this blog (thank you all, by the way), but I'd like to think you read this because I make some poignant thoughts and bring a smile or two along the way. We all have shit going on in our lives, but if you actually WANT to date someone, you have to stop looking for the "perfect mate"...who's under 30. In his final act, this piece of shit decided he would finally make people care about him. Oh, I care, all right...I care enough to make sure I DON'T become some worthless pile of crap with no respect for human life.
*ahem* Sorry about that...had to get that off my chest. Now then, congratulations to the newest Supreme Court Justice, Sonia Sotomayor! First hispanic woman to serve on the high court. That's HUGE! It's funny...the Daily Show played a clip of Sen. John McCain speaking during the senate debates over Sotomayor's nomination. He said it takes more than a great life story and overcoming strife (or something like that) to serve in public office. I'm sorry, but MCCAIN'S PRESIDENTIAL PLATFORM was a great life story and overcoming strife! (technically, he had to overcome more strife after he picked Sarah Palin as his running mate) Anyway, good luck to Justice Sotomayor. I can already see South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford giving her the "fuck me" eyes. Speaking of South Carolina, a big thank-you to the state that always threatens to (and might as well) secede...
And as long as we're on the subject of weird sexual preferences, Ryan O'Neal tried to pick up on some hot blonde at Farrah Fawcett's funeral. If you think THAT'S classy, wait until you find out it was HIS OWN DAUGHTER, Tatum O'Neal, that he tried to pick up! He claims he didn't recognize her. Tatum was later quoted as saying "That's our relationship in a nutshell." Hm...I imagine Thanksgiving dinner will be interesting this year in the O'Neal household: "I'm just going to help out in the kitchen, probably try to stuff the Tatum...er, TURKEY! I MEANT TURKEY!...unless she's into that..."
-B-
*ahem* Sorry about that...had to get that off my chest. Now then, congratulations to the newest Supreme Court Justice, Sonia Sotomayor! First hispanic woman to serve on the high court. That's HUGE! It's funny...the Daily Show played a clip of Sen. John McCain speaking during the senate debates over Sotomayor's nomination. He said it takes more than a great life story and overcoming strife (or something like that) to serve in public office. I'm sorry, but MCCAIN'S PRESIDENTIAL PLATFORM was a great life story and overcoming strife! (technically, he had to overcome more strife after he picked Sarah Palin as his running mate) Anyway, good luck to Justice Sotomayor. I can already see South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford giving her the "fuck me" eyes. Speaking of South Carolina, a big thank-you to the state that always threatens to (and might as well) secede...
| The Daily Show With Jon Stewart | Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c | |||
| Thank You, South Carolina! | ||||
| ||||
And as long as we're on the subject of weird sexual preferences, Ryan O'Neal tried to pick up on some hot blonde at Farrah Fawcett's funeral. If you think THAT'S classy, wait until you find out it was HIS OWN DAUGHTER, Tatum O'Neal, that he tried to pick up! He claims he didn't recognize her. Tatum was later quoted as saying "That's our relationship in a nutshell." Hm...I imagine Thanksgiving dinner will be interesting this year in the O'Neal household: "I'm just going to help out in the kitchen, probably try to stuff the Tatum...er, TURKEY! I MEANT TURKEY!...unless she's into that..."
-B-
Sunday, August 2, 2009
Pick A Card, Any Card... (Updated!)
...ah, the RACE card. Excellent choice. This week, President Obama set up an evening of drinking with Harvard scholar Henry Louis Gates and his arresting officer, Sgt. James Crowley, at the White House. I was hoping someone would post viral video of the meeting called "2 Guys, 1 Cop," but nothing (have you no sense of humor, interwebs???). For those of you not following the story, here's a BRIEF recap: police got called to Gates's home about a break-in, found it was GATES inside, he got belligerent and got arrested, then accused his WHITE arresting officer of racism because Gates is BLACK. Come to find out, Sgt. Crowley is actually the guy in the office who's so NOT judgmental by color that he actually TEACHES his fellow officers how to avoid racial profiling. So, after the arrest, Obama's talking about health care and a reporter asks him what he thought about the arrest. Obama said he thought the police acted "stupidly." He later adjusted his remarks to give the police a little more credit than that and invited Gates and Crowley to the White House for a pint of ale (and then BIDEN showed up). Normally, this would have just been another arrest that would have led to hearing from the Revs. Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson. Why did Washington get involved? I blame my brethren, the media. Sure, people will argue that Obama didn't HAVE to comment about the arrest because he didn't have all the information. But he was pressured into it because a reporter asked the question. And do you know WHY that reporter asked the question? It's because President Obama is...wait for it...black. *gasp* I KNOW! It hadn't really occured to me either until I looked really closely at him. Anyway, my point is, the media wouldn't have asked Bush (either one of them) about the arrest, Harvard scholar or not. They took the opportunity to hold Obama's feet to the fire and see if he was smart enough to blow out the flames. How does that reporter sleep at night?
Moving off the topic of race...Michael Jackson's memoir is about to be reissued to bookshelves. Oh, but this time, there's something special planned. A MYSTERY CELEBRITY will write the introduction to the book. Everyone's keeping pretty hush-hush about who it is, except to say that it's a well-known celebrity who knew Jackson well. I'm going with Webster himself, Emmanuel Lewis. It'll probably go something like "I'm the longest sexual relationship he ever had with one person because I looked perpetually like a little boy." Either that or they're going to ask Bubbles the Chimp to fling poo all over the page.
Y'know, it was only a matter of time, but I'm surprised I didn't think of it sooner: a woman in New Zealand got pulled over for drunk-driving, and she blamed THE H1N1 VIRUS! She told officers the three glasses of wine she'd just consumed were more potent to her system because she was just recovering from the virus. The judge didn't buy it, saying the H1N1 virus was the "in" submission for defendants in his courtroom. Really?! How many "Not guilty by reason of H1N1" cases go through New Zealand? "Your honor, my client clearly set fire to that farm because he wanted to take revenge on the pig that gave him the virus..." "Well, counselor, if your client hadn't been a pigfucker in the first place, he wouldn't have caught ANYTHING. Instruct him next time to use a condom."
Speaking of disgusting, some librarians in Texas are putting together a calendar that's more "cake" than "beefcake." Yes, they're showing skin on the calendar to raise money for disaster relief for damaged libraries. I checked out some of these women, and I think I'd rather buy a male firefighter calendar. Sure, these ladies have tattoos and are showing a lot of skin, but they're not really pleasant on the eyes and some of them are probably too old to even CONSIDER being in a calendar. I know I'm not supposed to judge a book by its cover, but even I'M not going to buy a book with wrinkly pages! I'm okay with these ladies being leather-bound, but I'd prefer to be talking about their clothes and not their SKIN. And the best part is I went to the Texas Librarians Association website again to get a picture to post here (tla.org), and all the pictures have been removed. In fact, the only thing on the page is the words "Move along, nothing to see!" Yeah, no kidding.
UPDATE! Thanks to Katie for offering me the correct link with these lovely ladies of the TLA:
-B-
Moving off the topic of race...Michael Jackson's memoir is about to be reissued to bookshelves. Oh, but this time, there's something special planned. A MYSTERY CELEBRITY will write the introduction to the book. Everyone's keeping pretty hush-hush about who it is, except to say that it's a well-known celebrity who knew Jackson well. I'm going with Webster himself, Emmanuel Lewis. It'll probably go something like "I'm the longest sexual relationship he ever had with one person because I looked perpetually like a little boy." Either that or they're going to ask Bubbles the Chimp to fling poo all over the page.
Y'know, it was only a matter of time, but I'm surprised I didn't think of it sooner: a woman in New Zealand got pulled over for drunk-driving, and she blamed THE H1N1 VIRUS! She told officers the three glasses of wine she'd just consumed were more potent to her system because she was just recovering from the virus. The judge didn't buy it, saying the H1N1 virus was the "in" submission for defendants in his courtroom. Really?! How many "Not guilty by reason of H1N1" cases go through New Zealand? "Your honor, my client clearly set fire to that farm because he wanted to take revenge on the pig that gave him the virus..." "Well, counselor, if your client hadn't been a pigfucker in the first place, he wouldn't have caught ANYTHING. Instruct him next time to use a condom."
Speaking of disgusting, some librarians in Texas are putting together a calendar that's more "cake" than "beefcake." Yes, they're showing skin on the calendar to raise money for disaster relief for damaged libraries. I checked out some of these women, and I think I'd rather buy a male firefighter calendar. Sure, these ladies have tattoos and are showing a lot of skin, but they're not really pleasant on the eyes and some of them are probably too old to even CONSIDER being in a calendar. I know I'm not supposed to judge a book by its cover, but even I'M not going to buy a book with wrinkly pages! I'm okay with these ladies being leather-bound, but I'd prefer to be talking about their clothes and not their SKIN. And the best part is I went to the Texas Librarians Association website again to get a picture to post here (tla.org), and all the pictures have been removed. In fact, the only thing on the page is the words "Move along, nothing to see!" Yeah, no kidding.
UPDATE! Thanks to Katie for offering me the correct link with these lovely ladies of the TLA:
-B-
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