I'll Be Holmes For Christmas

Welcome, friends, to the post-Christmas-letdown edition of Thinking Hard. That feeling of indifference and "blah" going through your system right now? It's your body reminding you that Christmas is done and over with for another 364 days...or you just miss Brittany Murphy's acting THAT MUCH. I'll never tell.

Yes, sad news from the entertainment world: actress Brittany Murphy died this week of a heroi...er, *ahem*, a HEART problem. Murphy was perhaps best known for her work as a young, impressionable girl with crazy eyes in "Clueless"...or as a mental case with crazy eyes in "Don't Say A Word"...or as a woman with crazy eyes in REAL LIFE. No exact cause of death has been released yet, leaving many to speculate if and how many drugs were involved. But one thing's for sure...THIS is the celebrity actress death that should've been overshadowed by Michael Jackson.

While we're on the subject of crazy women, I hear the Pope hates them:



Yes, a mentally ill woman jumped a barricade at Christmas Eve mass at the Vatican and ATTACKED THE POPE (thereby ensuring her name will be on next year's "Naughty" list)! The Pope's okay...I mean, she didn't BITE him and turn him into a Zombie Pope (a new series that should come out from Marvel Comics) or anything...but, apparently, she tried the same thing LAST year and was stopped by security in time. Look, two things: 1. Security stopped her LAST year but not THIS year? What, are they upset about cutbacks in the Vatican? Have they been told to stop taking the corporate jet??? 2. If you are this woman's family, if she keeps saying "I'm just going for a short walk" around MIDNIGHT on CHRISTMAS EVE, maybe you want to consider...I don't know...STOPPING HER??? How about tying her to a chair or something...I'm sure you have a crapload of GARLAND you can use!

While we're on the subject of people who are nuts and the security people who ignore them, how about the asshole who's keeping me from getting my Ipod out of my carry-on bag while on an airplane? I'm talking about the sonuvabitch who tried to light a bomb on a plane over Detroit Christmas day. He ended up botching it and instead of an explosion, he started a fire. Passengers held him until the plane landed. Seriously? DETROIT??? Did al-Qaeda not hear how FUCKED Detroit is? He'd have been better off blowing up a plane over OMAHA! Also, because of this fuck-up, the FAA will no longer let any passengers access their carry-on bags mid-flight. So if I take a book on the plane to read and I change my mind and decide to play my Nintendo DS, I can't. Worst part? This guy's dad apparently expressed concern that his son was getting into trouble with al-Qaeda a MONTH before the attack! Sure, the IRS can spend the time and manpower trying to figure out if I pay my taxes, but government agents can't look into this dumb shit??? They're apparently too busy enforcing that new health care bill...oh, wait, IT'S NOT PASSED YET!

You think I'M upset??? Check out what MSNBC's Dylan Ratigan did to democratic congresswoman Debbie Wasserman Schultz of Florida during a live interview a week ago:



Y'know, a show where a newsman interviews himself for two hours...I think I could produce that. I have some experience...

Hey, I went Christmas Day to see the new "Sherlock Holmes" film with Robert Downey, Junior, and Jude Law. A charming film, but I would've enjoyed it better if I wasn't in a packed theater. Seeing it in a packed theater on Christmas Day gave me a little santa-claustrophobia.

Adding a couple new "Friends of the Show"...Fail Blog and Cake Wrecks Blog. Both are fun, and they occasionally offer great spelling errors seen in the wild. Enjoy!

While we're on the subject, Central Connecticut State University (School mascot: the Wherethefuckisthat) recently released its survey of most literate cities in the U.S. Seattle ranked at the top of the list of 75 cities. Charlotte, North Carolina, ranked 27th, just three spots ahead of Chicago...and 12 spots behind Lexington, Kentucky (really??). Let's see the last city...I'm sure it's somewhere in South Carolina...ah, better...El Paso, Texas. It's unfortunate that those texans can't learn what "cerveza" means...maybe they should go back to school.

And speaking of EPIC FAILS, Hewlett-Packard apparently has NO black people testing their products. HP recently came out with a new webcam that will track the user's face. Pretty cool...until customers started realizing the camera DOES NOT RECOGNIZE BLACK FACES!



In other news, HP will change its name to Hitler-Packard. "Hitler-Packard: working to erase everyone who's different than us." (I like how the guy in the video uses the term "blackness" like "computer virus.")

Actually, HP isn't NEARLY as bad as Kentucky Fried Chicken, which released THIS commercial in the UK, showing white fans how to deal with an awkward situation at cricket games (cricket's a sport, unlike NASCAR...I'm looking at YOU, Associated Press members who chose Jimmie Johnson as Athlete of the Year). Check out this ad and see if YOU can tell what's wrong with it:



The correct answer is: "Pepsi MAX??? Who drinks Pepsi MAX???"
-B-

The MOST wonderful time of the year? REALLY?!

Try telling that to the poor fuckers I left behind at O'Hare last night (after a 3-hour delay myself) who were trying to fly to DC or New York. In fact, I brought out a classic video clip that STILL works for this storm:



Let's heat things up for you in this winter storm...the high-priced call girl who brought down New York Governor Eliot Spitzer is now doing an ADVICE COLUMN! Hey, you KNOW it'll be awesome advice. After all, when this whole Tiger Woods thing got big, she said "At least I had the common sense to keep my mouth shut"...well, except for that one part, but he paid extra for it.

Speaking of keeping warm in bed, I am NOT one to promote Twitter. I think it's asinine and the people who use it apparently think they're more important than they really are. That said, ONE guy put it to good use. See, his buddy and his buddy's new wife asked him to house-sit while they went on their honeymoon. So, in his time, he RIGGED THEIR BED to update Twitter when they were having sex! It includes weight, length of time, a FRENZY RATING...even a JUDGE'S comments! Check this out...this is how their first "outing" started on Twitter: "They're on the job! #2 - Action commenced at 15.50GMT. Weight: 151KG." Here's how it ended 22 minutes later: "They're off the job! #2 - Action concluded at 16.12GMT. Duration: 22 m.05 s. Frenzy Index: 4 (easy listening). Judge's Comment: 'Good work!' 8:12 AM Dec 11th from Power Twitter" In an unrelated note, I'm available for housesitting...

I have to tell you, it's good to be back in town after all the crazy snow. No real cataclysms on my holiday break...just some real Christmas cheer for once. So, I'd like to spread a little cheer myself, especially for you Guitar Heroes and Rock Band members out there:



...okay, maybe this Guitar Hero thing is getting a little out of hand. Nothing says "Daddy doesn't have any time for you" like hooking up a giant Guitar Hero game to the garage.
-B-

It's Bat-Shit Cold Up Here!

Greetings from the frozen tundra of Chicago, Illinois. I'm here for the next week and a half for the holidays. Local temperature: 6 degrees. Or, as I like to call it, "stupid cold."

Didn't want to leave you readers hanging over the holiday, so here are a couple of quick hits...

*At last count, nine different women claim to have slept with Tiger Woods (and none of them are very attractive). Looks like Tiger's gunning for the new holiday classic, "The Twelve Lays of Christmas."

*Color giant Pantone (yes, they specialize in colors...all of them) has selected the 2010 Color of the Year. And the winner is...TURQUOISE. Turquoise would have been here to accept, but he's currently on tour at a bunch of indian reservations, so Fuschia will be accepting...and Baby-Puke Yellow will be sitting in the audience, trying to figure out who she has to sleep with to get the damn award next year.

*Hey, who says you can't be SMART to work at Fox News? You just have to PLAY dumb to the lowest common denominator:

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
Gretchen Carlson Dumbs Down
www.thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor Health Care Crisis

And a little something extra for your stocking...

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
Beck - Not So Mellow Gold
www.thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor Health Care Crisis

I was told there would be no math...or spelling.
-B-

I Have A Feeling I'm Forgetting Something...

...ah, well, it'll come to me.

Speaking of forgetting things, it looks like I forgot a few choice gift ideas in last week's Black Friday blog. If you like poo, and who doesn't, might I suggest a reindeer-dung necklace from the Miller Park Zoo in Bloomington, IL. Yes, the $15 "limited-edition" (because, hey, we can't do this all day) Magical Reindeer Gem pendant necklace contains dried, sterilized (oh, yeah, that makes me feel MUCH better) reindeer droppings, SPRAYED WITH GLITTER, on a beaded chain. Because nothing says "See, honey, Santa and his reindeer ARE real...here are the carrots you left for Prancer" like a reindeer-shit necklace. Still, it sure beats a lump of...ew...in your stocking.

And for the people who can't EVER seem to figure out where they're driving (and if they like drugs), SNOOP DOGG is doing some voice work to give you directions on your GPS. Oh, sure, THAT'S gonna help...what fucking direction is LRIZZLE???

Hmm...I swear there was something else I was going to talk about. Let me turn on some Chinese TV...it always helps me remember. Ah, it looks like EA has the new Tiger Woods PGA Tour game demo out:



OH! THAT WAS IT! Yes, if you've been avoiding the television like the plague this week, you missed the fact that Tiger crashed into a fire hydrant and tree outside his home early Black Friday (which is odd, because usually when Tiger drives, he misses both the water AND the trees). His wife said she used the first thing she had available...a FIVE-IRON...to break out a rear window and pull Tiger out of the car. Later, it came out that Tiger's had a few...um...shall we say LIAISONS with other women. Apparently when he was talking about playing 18 holes at Pebble Beach, he was NOT talking about golf. So now there's talk that Tiger's wife might have attacked him and he drove off to get away. Now, while there's talk that he might have to pay his probably-soon-to-be-ex-wife millions of dollars, don't feel bad for Tiger just yet. EA and Nike have both said they're sticking with Tiger as a spokesman, and he's just picked up a sponsorship deal from the car safety device, The Club. Now, he's going to need a new club to replace the one wrapped around his head...er, I mean, used to heroically save his life...but he's already got one handy: the Tire Iron. Let's see what Saturday Night Live has to say about this whole thing:



And while we're talking about getting a little piece of ass on the side, check out this picture UNPHOTOSHOPPED to promote a Sesame Street appearance on "The Tyra Banks Show:"



Hey, don't get upset with CM...he did it all for the cookie, uh-huh, the cookie, uh-huh, so you can take that cookie and stick it up your a...

-B-

Oh, Sure, Play The Race Card

Welcome to the BLACK Friday edition of Thinking Hard (posted two days after the fact). We here at TH know it can be difficult finding that unique gift for that special someone, so we put together a small Holiday Gift Guide to help you:

For the person with eyes as big as their stomach...but not as big as their mouth:
Might I suggest HAM? Oh, but don't toss it directly at their mouth...especially if they're looking away:



She might require nasal surgery! Did you hear how she was talking after she was hit??? She had this high-pitched southern...wait, sorry, what?...that's how she NORMALLY talks?...and they gave her a TV SHOW?...huh. To be fair, she probably would have caught the ham in her mouth, but she likes to put about 13 sticks of butter on her ham first (a baker's dozen).

For the person who seems to have everything, except a TV show:
How about a ticket to the State Dinner at the White House? In fact, just show up. You don't even have to be on the guest list. Like that couple trying to get on the new Bravo show "The Real Housewives of D.C." (side note: SERIOUSLY, BRAVO???) Now they're shopping their "first broadcast interview" to all the major networks...first one to pay 6-figures gets the interview. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME??? They didn't pay $100,000+ to hear what the PRESIDENT had to say...

Not a big fan of politics? Then can I suggest a trip to New Jersey, where MTV is getting ready for their new "Jersey Shore" show...wait, I'm just getting word that a group of italian-americans wants the show OFF the air before it even premieres! Yes, the group says the show relies on crude stereotypes of italians cursing and committing violent acts. Seriously...do they WATCH "The Real World"? Apparently not: the group accuses MTV of putting on "trash television." Do they just not have CABLE?

For the alcoholic named Uncle Rick:
A New York City tavern has cooked up the nation's first 100-proof turkey! The owner infused with fruit-flavored and 100-proof Georgi vodka for three days before cooking it. Sure, you say, the alcohol would burn off. But wait: there's vodka in the gravy too! Fuck tryptophan...I want to pass out DRUNK from my turkey!

For the Fox News employee in your family:
How about a memo from corporate saying "STOP FUCKING IT UP!" Yes, after the well-documented (especially here) video-editing blunders as of late on Fox News, corporate sent a memo to its employees saying it will now be under a "zero tolerance" policy for on-air errors. You make an error or you're part of the error chain, you get a write-up, possible suspension and maybe even FIRED. In an unrelated note, Jon Stewart announced "The Daily Show" will now be shortened to ten minutes.

Finally, for the FABULOUS people you know:
Tickets to an Adam Lambert concert. They'll apparently LOVE it, especially after he kissed a male dancer during a performance at the American Music Awards. ABC got about 1,500 complaint calls (1,499 from upset parents...and 1 from a guy calling from prison who complained the performance wasn't long enough and could an operator breathe heavily into the phone for about 2 more minutes), so Good Morning America cancelled a performance by Lambert. Maybe they were also worried about the point where he grinded (ground?) his crotch into a male dancer's face onstage. You know we've come full circle when this blog both starts AND ends with someone taking pork in the face.

-B-

Holy Shit, What The Hell Happened To Wayne Newton's Face???

Yes, it's time for the newest segment here on Thinking Hard, "Holy Shit, What The Hell Happened To Wayne Newton's Face???":



Seriously? It looks like Kathie Lee sang into the right side of his face and the grimace he made froze! He looks like he's still half asleep and just can't quite open that eye. He should not tell his plastic surgeon "Danke Schoen," unless the meaning of "Danke Schoen" has recently changed to "No, that's okay...I really didn't like my face anyway."

Little business to take care of here...the Bad First Dates Blog has been removed from the "Friends of the Show," quite frankly because there hadn't been an update in four months. In its place, please welcome "Whitewater Wishes," a collection of pictures, videos and thoughts on the beautiful and exciting sport of whitewater rafting/kayaking/walking by new Thinking Hard reader James Capozzi. Welcome, James. I'd go rafting more often, but the sound of rushing water makes my bladder excited.

So, next week's Thanksgiving. Happy early Thanksgiving (and the ensuing Black Friday madness) to you and yours. That means that the cold winter months are right around the corner. Looking for that perfect thing to keep the homefires burning? Yep, Sarah Palin's memoir came out this week. It's called "How I Learned To Drivel"...wait, it's NOT?...that's TOTALLY what I told the publisher to print on it...anyway, it's a great chance for Palin to get back into the mainstream liberal media that she's loves so muc...WHAT? She HATES it??? Then why in the hell is she...oh, that's right...she's unemployed...and looking at a presidential bid?...but if she cost McCain HIS presidential chances, what makes her think...oh, that's sad...retardation must be hereditary. Apparently, though, she was drawing BIG crowds for her book signings:



Oh, wait, that's video of her during McCain's presidential campaign last year. Yup, look at those crowds. Anyway, here's what Jon Stewart had to say about the book:

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
Daily Show: The Rogue Warrior
www.thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor Health Care Crisis

(By the way, wait until you see the reception Stewart gave Lou Dobbs in the same show...that's coming up...)

My thoughts: Wait, Fox News has a contributor named PETER JOHNSON...JUNIOR??? That's hilarious! That's what I call my...wait, never mind.

Speaking of Fox News and onions, Suzanne Sena anchored for Fox News between 2006 and 2008, but now, her job is to INTENTIONALLY sound like an idiot as Ana Gentry:



Hey, were you waiting to catch a morning flight this week...and waited...and waited? Turns out there was a computer error with the FAA that kept hundreds of flights on the ground. That's right, a COMPUTER ERROR did what it took FOUR CRASHED FLIGHTS and A BUNCH OF TERRORISTS to do in 2001: GROUNDED FLIGHTS! Seriously, fuck terrorists...we can screw ourselves over just as easily. That reminds me...they just upgraded my computer system at work. Hope THAT doesn't cra*

*ofabitch Glenn Beck is just waiting to push that RED BUTTON next week! You wait...you'll see I'm right. Tell your friends.

Hey, here's something I want you to watch now or come back to later and watch. Jon Stewart had Lou Dobbs, formerly of CNN, on The Daily Show this week to talk about Dobbs leaving CNN and whether it had anything to do with his anti-immigration talk or suggestions that President Obama wasn't even born in this country. As always, I love Jon Stewart (it's in 2 parts):

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
Exclusive - Lou Dobbs Extended Interview Pt. 1
www.thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor Health Care Crisis

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
Exclusive - Lou Dobbs Extended Interview Pt. 2
www.thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor Health Care Crisis

Hey, you like music? You like going to concerts where the performers shout the name of your city/state/ethnic group? Yeah, so did the people watching Bruce Springsteen last week. Keep in mind, he's performing at the Palace of Auburn Hills in MICHIGAN:



Eventually, one of his bandmembers whispered in his ear that they were performing in Michigan. Springsteen said "Oh, I'm sorry you guys! I probably would've kept on saying OHIO all night if not for the members of the F-STREET BAND! Let's give 'em a hand!"

Finally, having trouble relating to teens? Then let Taylor Swift do it for you. She's putting out a line of GREETING CARDS through American Greetings. I have a couple hear that she sent out for early promotions...

"Hope you enjoy your beautiful wedding day. (open to inside) Let's hope you didn't invite Kanye."

"Happy birthday, girlfriend! Boys can never OWN US! (open to inside) Especially those sonsabitches you break up with you on your cell phone who you thought were cute but now you just can't stand because they're performing with their stupid brothers who you THOUGHT were on your side, but they're just a bunch of bastards, just like every man named JONAS."

Huh...I wish she would just open up and talk about her feelings...

Happy Thanksgiving!
-B-

I Blow'd Up Them Terrorists Good

Glad you could be with me for this installment of Thinking Hard. I'm also glad I could tear myself away from the video game that shattered sales records this week, Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2. Here's the premise: you kill terrorists and save the world. You kill terrorists from a gun turret in Afghanistan. You kill terrorists on the rooftops of the slums of Rio de Janeiro (hey, I can see Olympic stadium from here!), and you kill terrorists while in a high-speed SNOWMOBILE CHASE. Also, there's apparently some level that the media doesn't like whereyouplayasaterroristandkilldozensofinnocentsatanairport... Wait, WHAT??? You play AS A TERRORIST??? You play AS A soldier-from-America-who's-undercover-with-a-bunch-of-russian-terrorists-in-an-effort-to-stop-an-even-larger-scale-attack TERRORIST??? That's SO UN-AMERICAN!! I mean, it's not like it's a quick level that ends with that particular character being shot in the head by the russians who already know he's undercover...in a level players can choose to SKIP altogether. Oh, wait, yes it is. But hey, I'm not going to complain about the media. The more bitching they do, the more hype and the more game sales. Remember all the hubbub of "hey, you can't smack a hooker around after you've had your way with her just to get your money back" from Grand Theft Auto 3? Yeah, that didn't stop the following FIVE SEQUELS from being some of the biggest-selling games of all time. I wonder if they asked Eliot "Stop Calling Me 'Swallow'" Spitzer for HIS thoughts on the game.

While we're talking about the media, let me extend a hearty congratulations to CNN's Lou Dobbs, who announced this week his immediate departure from his prime-time program to "pursue other interests." Wow, with all of his anti-immigrant, anti-Obama talk on his program, I can't IMAGINE what cable network he'll show up on next. Wait, what's this? I shit you not...he's going on O'Reilly's show Monday night. Maybe there'll be a spot for him on ANOTHER Fox talk show that could easily be renamed "Glenn and Scary's." Maybe they'll consider putting out ice cream flavors. Probably all vanilla.

More on Fox in a moment, but former beauty pageant whore and current MEDIA whore Carrie Prejean is doing a talk show circuit for her new autobiography (isn't she, like, 20???). But it's been overshadowed by talk that the reason she dropped her lawsuit against the folks at the Miss California pageant is that they had a sex tape on her! Y'know, there are some sex tapes I just don't care to see (like Tommy Lee's junk just to see Pam Anderson naked), but in this case, I could make an exception. Miss Prejean told NBC's Meredith Viera that she didn't need to "phone a friend"...the "sex tape" is a SOLO act she made for her boyfriend at the time. (cue the song "All By Myself") She didn't have a problem answering THAT question, but for some reason, she thought THIS was inappropriate:



That's only slightly less awkward television than that time she talked about "opposite marriage"...and that South Carolina chick talking about giving maps to children in South Africa or WHATEVER the fuck that chick was talking about. Or MTV doing a reality series on the guidos at the beaches of New Jersey. I WISH I was kidding. Or the announcement this week of a NEW "Charlie's Angels" coming to television. The creators say it will be for the "new generation of viewers who also remember the original from the late 1970s." You'll have to pardon me...I think my brain just ruptured.

While we're talking about shoddy television, there was a little problem with a story on Fox News this week. Can you spot it before Jon Stewart points it out?:

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
Sean Hannity Uses Glenn Beck's Protest Footage
www.thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor Health Care Crisis

I wonder how Fox responded to that...

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
Sean Hannity Apologizes to Jon
www.thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor Health Care Crisis

A high school in Massachusetts this week banned ANOTHER 4-letter word...Meep. Yes, meep. The thing that Beaker from The Muppet Show always says. Meep. Students apparently used Facebook to set up a disruption in classes using the word. Now, to recap: students said "Meep" so much in class, the school banned the word. Are you meeping kidding me?

Speaking of people with too much free time, apparently vaccuming with a Roomba is too easy and not exciting enough, so a group of guys did THIS:



You'd have to be on drugs to do that...or want some drugs really bad. Like the guy in Bessemer City, North Carolina, who's accused of trading his mother's silver Honda Accord for SIXTY DOLLARS worth of crack cocaine. $60! For a Honda Accord! Apparently the government started a new program called "Cash for Crunkers."

And let's wrap this up like we started it...with a very special look at video games:



That's surveillance video of a cab robbery in New York on Halloween night. Police say the victim survived the attack and could only tell them they were "looking for the best mushrooms" and "arguing about why the guy in the red was always the one who got to nail the 'princess.'"

Meep off.
-B-

Thinking Hard with Jebediah and The Piglet

(Wait...I think that makes ME The Piglet...ah, well, if the curly tail fits...)

Y'know, if there's one thing I heard from TH fans over the last week, it's this: "Wait, Bruce Willis is DEAD?!" Yes, apparently I should have offered more of a set-up to last week's "movie ending spoiler trivia challenge" than just starting the blog with "1. Bruce Willis is dead." Although, to be fair, isn't his career basically being lowered into the grave at this point? I mean, is "The Surrogates" even still PLAYING in a theater? So, I tossed out an easy one and a couple that were slightly more obscure. The last one was more for literature buffs in honor of Halloween:

1. Bruce Willis is dead - "The Sixth Sense"
2. The chick's a dude - "The Crying Game"
3. The killer's an orangutan - "Murders in the Rue Morgue" by Edgar Allen Poe, and yes, it was turned into a movie with Jason Robards in the 1970s...you'd really have to be more familiar with the story itself than the existence of the movie.

Okay, so no more quizes. Instead, just another installment of the weird and unnecessary news of the week. Like this: ABC is doing ANOTHER celebrity dance show, where the celebs will re-enact famous dance routines. It'll be hosted by HUGE STAR Kathy Griffin. Gosh, with all of the big names already dancing on "Dancing with the Stars," I hope they can find other stars who are desperate enough for crack mone...I mean, BUSY CELEBRITIES who can spare their time to entertain ABC's viewers. I mean, it's a huge enough coup that ABC could pull Kathy Griffin from the D-List to host such an interesting prospect. I hear they're going to call it "So You Think Your Career Can't Sink Any Lower."

In other unnecessary reality show news, Kirstie Alley, perhaps known best for her role in "Cheers" and eating half of Cleveland, is getting her own reality series on A&E (soon to be known as the "Awkward & Extremely-hard-on-the-eyes Network"). The series will be about her being a single mom, raising a teenage boy and girl, and trying to lose weight. Apparently she's getting ready to give birth to another teenager. Maybe if they adapt it to an NPR audio program, they can call it "Weight, weight, don't eat me."

For those of you who STILL aren't on the Snuggie bandwagon (seriously, what's WRONG with you people?) AND who miss musicians that haven't put anything good out since the late 1990s, have I got a deal for you! The band Weezer is offering its new album "Raditude" (which is as socially relevant now as it was ten years ago) with a SNUGGIE! Yes, you can pay $30 for a snuggie...and some CD you assume your grandchildren will enjoy...or pay $50 for a deluxe "zebra-print" snuggie and get a free "deluxe-edition" CD that doubles as a paint-scraper. Operators are standing by.

Speaking of operators, there's apparently some health care bill that's popular in Washington, DC, this weekend. Something about me being put before a firing squad called a "public option"...I'm not really following it. Fortunately, The Daily Show is:

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
Health Care: Bigger, Longer and Uncut
www.thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor Health Care Crisis

I don't get the Mark Foley joke. Can anyone...yes, you?...uh-huh...and he put the WHAT WHERE?...but how does that then...ohhhhhhh...ew.

And one more tidbit of unnecessary news this week, the geeks are revolting! Apparently, their hands are too covered in baby oil to properly steer their cars (don't judge), so they think you should use an IPHONE to drive it...from FOUR INCHES away (which, after all, is the same length that got them in trouble in the first place)! Yes, it worked for James Bond...now you TOO can operate a car from the backseat:



I bet that SUCKS when AT&T's service drops out..

-B-

Spoiler Alert!

1. Bruce Willis is dead.
2. The woman is actually a man.
3. The killer is an orangutan.

(It's like a Jeopardy category...I tell you the ending of a movie, you tell me which movie. A little Halloween fun for the Comments section. Hint: #3 is also a classic piece of literature.)

Hey, welcome to the post-Halloween festivities. I'm just cleaning up the candy corn and vodka, but thought you might want a little something to quell your hangover. Also, stick around for the end of the show, when I'll show you something I can almost GUARANTEE you've never seen before.

First, you KNOW I can't resist a little jab at Fox News...or a 10-minute long jab at Fox News by The Daily Show:

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
For Fox Sake!
www.thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor Health Care Crisis

Now, to be ENTIRELY fair, there are at least SOME occasions on Fox News when the anchors realize things could be better:



And to be MORE fair and balanced, there are days when the crew over at MSNBC could be doing just a little better:



Hey, time for a commercial break...you know, we have a Sham-wow, we have a Slap-Chop, we even have a Snuggie, but you know what we're missing? A workout device that promotes masturbation:



"No longer will you have those embarrassing situations where your right arm is more muscular than your left...now you can get the same, c*ck-grabbing workout in BOTH arms...without that uncomfortable 'Wait, what do I do with THIS hand' feeling." I'm considering failed names for the Shake Weight...perhaps the Nordic-Jack?

Okay, now for the thing you've probably NEVER seen. A German company (keep in mind, this is something that REALLY happened) SOMEHOW got little advertising flags on FLIES (a la the banners that are attached to the back of small airplanes that ask "Linda, well yu murry meh?"...next time, pay for the extra spell-check) and released about TWO-HUNDRED of them at a convention. You HAVE to see this:



I haven't decided with advertising technique is more annoying...the flies, or the people who show up at my door to spend 45 minutes asking me if I've found God. Can't decide...I kinda want to smack them both.

-B-

Mailbag Time!

You'll have to pardon me if I seem half-focused on today's blog...I just went to the mailbox for the first time in about three weeks and am sorting through the letters. Let's see...bill...bill...past due...final warning...you are going to be evicted...OH, HERE'S A READER LETTER!

Dear Thinking Hard,
Longtime reader, first-time writer. I won quite a sizable chunk of change on a reality show a little while ago, but I can't figure out how to spend the money. I'm not a girl, so I can't spend the money on a boob job...well, I COULD, but...and I'm too self-absorbed to donate it to charity because, hey, I won a reality show. So, any suggestions?
Signed,
Adam Jasinski

Well, Adam, it appears you've decided what to do with the money since you wrote this letter. Jasinski won last year's "Big Brother" and police say he spent his $500,000 winnings on OXYCODONE! But to prove that entrepreneurship isn't dead, police say he turned around and RE-SOLD the pills for a profit! Too bad he sold 2,000 of them to a government witness. Adam...did you learn NOTHING from reality TV??? Big Brother is ALWAYS watching you. Here's another letter...

Hey, Blaine, some days I feel like the media is trying TOO hard to keep me up-to-date on the day's news. For example, a newspaper in New York put this story on its website:
A New York State Trooper pulls over a vehicle near the three-way intersection on Joslen Boulevard in Greenport Monday. The reason for the stop and the outcome of the investigation remain unknown.
What the hell is wrong with the media?
Love always,
J. Hartsell

Well, J., first, thanks for dishing out a daily dose of love. Second, there's simply no gatekeeping with the gatekeepers of the media. News outlets have long been presented as THE source of FILTERED information. The media have been known to check, double-check and quadruple-check their sources before a story hits air. Not so much anymore. Consider this news conference held by the lobbyist group "The U.S. Chamber of Commerce." The group spent a record $34.7 million in the third quarter this year to lobby against the Obama administration's proposals to overhaul energy policy, financial regulation and health care. So it only makes sense that when the group called local media outlets in D.C. to announce a complete 180 in its lobbying, some reporters jumped at the chance to talk to members of the group. Except...the news conference was a hoax by a group of pranksters called "The Yes Men." Check it...


(I personally enjoyed the blond reporter in the middle of the room STILL raising her hand in the middle of all the chaos. "Yes, dear, you can go to the bathroom.")

Let's read another letter...

Hey, Thinking Hard,
Those people in that clip are pretty dumb. They must have landed on their heads as children, huh?
Jessica S.

Well, Jessica, yes, they are pretty thick. But I don't know if they could survive something as painful as landing on their head. I mean, look at this poor girl from the World Gymnastics Championships earlier this month...

EMBED-Jessica Gil Ortiz Epic Gymnastics Fail - Watch more free videos

Here's another letter:
Thinking Hard,
I am simply A---PPALLED by the Home Shopping Network. I was watching last week as they were selling the $199 Nintendo Wii system and several plastic toys to attach to the controllers...for a total $329! What's worse, they proved ON AIR that they're selling cheap crap to the little old grannies with money to burn:

Here's my question...are there any OTHER game systems that are dangerous for flat-screen TVs? I just bought a PS3 AND a new flat-screen...and the PS3 is giving the TV the evil eye.
Also, you're adorable!
Signed,
D. Metz

Well, D., thank you. And YES, there IS a PS3 danger to flat-screen TVs:


We have time for one more letter...
Blaine,
You're really intelligent...I would dare call you smrt. (editor's note: she really spelled it like that. no joke.-b) And you know TV pretty well. What's the best television ad you've seen recently?
K. Hart

Well, K-hart, it happens to be this new spot from American Express...which really challenges the way I see everyday objects:


Keep those letters coming!
-B-

Please Put Your Questions In The Box

Welcome back to Thinking Hard, and I'm delighted today to announce a first-of-its-kind sponsorship here at TH. You might have seen this weekend's Saturday Night Live, which was, for the first time ever, COMPLETELY sponsored by one company. Bud Light bought up all the ad time for SNL. Shortly after, TH was contacted by one of the largest food companies in the U.S. So, today's Thinking Hard is brought to you exclusively by Oscar Mayer. Let's get down to it, shall we?

In "Jon Gosselin is no longer the worst father I have ever seen on TV" news, a Colorado man freaked out the military Thursday when he reported his 6-year-old son had crawled into a helium-filled mylar weather balloon, just moments before it went airborne. During "gripping" "news" coverage, TWO military helicopters went up track the balloon (costing taxpayers $14,500). When the balloon finally landed, the "chasers" found the boy was NOT inside the balloon. Instead, he was found hiding in his home's attic...in a cardboard box (also known as "his room"). When Larry King of CNN interviewed the family live that night, Daddy Dearest (fresh off his SECOND appearance on the ABC reality show "Wife Swap") asked his son on live TV why he didn't come out when he heard people searching for him. The boy replied, "You said we were doing it for the show." I can only describe his father's face as having a look of horror-confusion-"Oh Shit" on it. Friday morning, the family was interviewed by all the morning news shows. In a pre-taped interview, Diane Sawyer spoke with the family on Good Morning America. During the tough questions, the boy had to go off-camera and vomit. That was followed shortly by Diane saying to the rest of the family "Does one of you want to go CHECK on him? We can keep talking with the rest of the family." The boy's mother made her best effort to hide her "I GUESS I'll do it" face. Later, in a live interview with Meredith Viera on NBC's Today Show, the boy actually got sick on camera. And for some reason, his parents thought it best to have him do it in a small, CLEAR Rubbermaid container. To be fair, they would have grabbed a nearby garbage can, but it was filled with food for tonight's dinner. Many are saying this family knowingly committed a hoax (partly because Daddy has, at one point in his "meteorological" career, blamed the GOVERNMENT for weather patterns), but I think the only hoax is how his parents convinced police NOT to take their children away. He now says he'll only answer questions about whether it was a hoax if the questions are submitted in writing and put into a box! Now, a brief word from our sponsor, Oscar Mayer. Oscar Mayer. Whether you spell it B-A-L-O-N-E-Y, B-O-L-O-G-N-A, or B-A-L-L-O-O-N-B-O-Y, it's all baloney to us.

Hey, how about we talk about a kid who DIDN'T comply with his father's plan for cheap airtime? This kid in Boston, 9-year-old Oliver Wahlstrom, made a ridiculously good shot during hockey practice. While I think it would have been MORE impressive if there had been 3-5 members of an opposing team BLOCKING him, it's still pretty cool to watch:



Now, to a video that actually DEFIES logic. Who says art isn't weird? An artist in England built the "Hand From Above." It...well, it's pretty self-explanatory. Also, if you want to annoy the shit out of your co-workers, crank up the volume on this one:

Hand from Above from Chris O'Shea on Vimeo.

While we're on the topic of putting your hands where they don't belong, check out THIS classy guy: a 30-year-old man in Utah is accused of groping a nurse at a hospital. While that might not seem so bad, he was groping her WHILE SHE WAS TRYING TO HELP DELIVER THE MAN'S CHILD! That's right, his PREGNANT WIFE was GIVING BIRTH just a few feet away! Here's the best part...he got arrested before his wife gave birth and he missed the birth of his own child (though I'm pretty sure he couldn't give a shit). I'm sure he's going to spend a lot of quality time working on that mylar weather balloon and the accompanying cardboard box. That's about as classy as a pregnant mother smoking. Now, a word from our sponsor, Oscar Mayer. Oscar Mayer. Deli meat so delicious, you'll want to have a sandwich just about ANYWHERE.

A mexican rock star also had a bad experience at a hospital. She says she got an infection from some "beautification injections"...in her butt. Yes, Alejandra Guzman says she was having the procedures to make herself more attractive to a NEW boyfriend (on a side note, ladies, if he's a NEW boyfriend, he probably is still too hot for you to want you to change anything...unless he's a butt guy). Now she wants to raise awareness in the U.S. of the dangers of such procedures. She's still working on her english, but I have a copy of her comments here... "Women everywhere should know of the dangers of taking it in the ass." Hm...butt injections...now that's a procedure I can get behind.

I imagine Guzman is dropping a lot of 4- and 5-letter words in her pain. Makes sense, considering a new survey shows mexican adults swear an average of TWENTY times a day...cranking out a grand total of 1.3 BILLION "fucks," "shits," and "shitty fucks" a day! That daily count is 40 in New York...and 80 in my apartment. Come ON, Mexico, KEEP UP!

While we're south of the border, you know where it SUCKS to be a music fan? Peru. No, it's not because of the QUALITY of the music. It's the QUALITY of the people SINGING it. This week, the lead singer of Depeche Mode (he's still alive?) played in Lima to 30,000 fans. And during the concert, he shouted to all the fans: "Thank you very much, Chile!" For those of you keeping score at home, Chile is NOT Peru. Strangely enough, nobody seemed to notice. It's probably because this isn't the first time. In 2003, Alanis Morissette played in Peru and shouted "Thank you, Brazil." Also, not Peru. And in 2004, a mexican pop band shouted "Long live Chile!" Really? A MEXICAN pop band?? I realize they're not MUCH closer than the U.S., but still!

I'm going to leave it there for a moment, while The Daily Show picks up the latest from CNN:

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
CNN Leaves It There
www.thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor Ron Paul Interview

Finally today, one more message from our sponsor, Oscar Mayer, home of the famous Oscar Mayer weiner:



-B-

I Read Thinking Hard For the Pictures

Okay, bad news...the Thinking Hard late-night talk show has been cancelled. I know, I know. I'm disappointed too. But we here at TH are thinking about getting into the MAGAZINE arena. I couldn't think of a reason not to, especially since there will be FOUR new spots opening up on the Barnes & Noble magazine rack. Publisher Conde Nast announced this week it will stop printing the longtime cooking magazine, "Gourmet," along with two bridal magazines ("Elegant Bride" and "Modern Bride"...what's the difference? Does a modern bride have an Ipod jack in her tiara? No reason that can't be considered "Elegant") and a parenting magazine called "Cookie." THAT'S the cure for obesity in children! A guide to parenting involving COOKIES!

The big question about a Thinking Hard magazine is...will there be nudity? The answer is...absolutely! The most succesful magazines have male AND female nudity. Look at Playgirl: 19-year-old Levi Johnston, the guy who had sex with and fathered a child with at least one member of the Palin family, says he's wrapping up a deal to pose nude for the magazine. I'm sure he's anxious to show off his Idita-rod.

While getting Levi Johnston to pose nude might seem impressive, Playboy magazine went one better: MARGE SIMPSON will appear nude in the magazine! Yes, a full frontal, totally nude cartoon character...a little like some Japanese animation. Normally I pick up Playboy for the articles, but this might be the first one I'm actually interested in the pictures. After all, Marge Simpson has to be the most REAL woman ever to appear in the magazine.

Speaking of fake...well, EVERYTHING...a 22-year-old woman won a special beauty pageant in Hungary Friday night. The contestants were required to have had plastic surgery to compete. Yup, it's just like the Miss America pageant, except they ADVERTISE fake breasts and nose jobs! (I tell you, Trump's missing out on a golden opportunity...) So, the winner got an apartment in Budapest. I wonder if the runner-up got the Booby Prize.

-B-...wait a sec, you don't REALLY think I'm ending this on a BOOB joke, do you???

Let's take a moment to delve into the world of art and literature...and the desire to make more money off of existing works. Andrew Lloyd Webber, the composer possibly known best for his work bringing the classic "Phantom of the Opera" to the world of musicals, IS MAKING A SEQUEL TO "PHANTOM!" I'm going to repeat that, because it's one of several bat-shit crazy things in this week's blog...Andrew Lloyd Webber is making a sequel to "Phantom." Now, the original took place in these beautiful settings in Europe, so one can only imagine where he's going to place the seq...CONEY ISLAND??? WHAT THE HELL??? Yes, the Phantom is moving from the opera house to CONEY ISLAND. Well, at least the rats will remind him of home. SERIOUSLY! And in a punchline that I could only make up if I was 80 years old and lost my sense of humor, his representatives promise a "rollercoaster of thrills."...really?

Okay, at least that's the only classic tale being tampered with this week...WHAT? A SEQUEL TO "DRACULA"!?! Seriously, did these guys sit down to lunch with Jerry Bruckheimer??? "Oh yeah, guys, there's nothing that the public appreciates more than a sequel to a classic or a remake of something that came out in the 70s and 80s." What, will Dracula move to Six Flags over Georgia and haunt the Funnel Cake Factory? Maybe the Count will just change his mission statement from "I vant to suck your blood" to "I vant to suck." Let's check that U.S. release...it's probably somewhere it will bring in a ton of curious readers and money like New York or...AIKEN, SOUTH CAROLINA??? So now we know the only things that can stop Count Dracula are garlic, a stake...and the literate.

Let's end this week with something that doesn't make me feel like my I.Q. is dripping out of my ears...whatever you did this week, however hard you worked, is about to feel like nothing. I worked on several ways to introduce this clip, but there is nothing I can say that will do this man justice, so I'll just leave you to watch it:

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
William Kamkwamba
www.thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor Ron Paul Interview

-B-

Like A Bear With CHAINSAWS For Paws

Big, exciting news here at Thinking Hard...we've been picked up for our first late-night talk show! WOOT! Now, as you know, the first episode of any program can make or break a show, sometimes a career. So we pulled out all the stops to get some BIG names on the show. Conan O'Brien is going to come on and join Desperate Housewives actress Teri Hatcher in what's sure to be a HILARIOUS segment where they race around the building and end at a finish line in the studio. That should be fun, right?



HAHA! HILARIOUS!...can we get a paramedic over here? Conan has a mild concussion.

Well, I'm sure our NEXT guest will be VERY entertaining. David Letterman asked to come on our first show to make an important announcement. This will be funny for sure:



HAHAHA!...I don't get it. Also, why am I getting a collect call from jail from a producer at 48 Hours?

Well, hopefully our next guest will bring a bright spirit to the show. She has a big showbiz background and a new book out, which I admit I haven't read yet, but I'm sure it's got a lot of stories of pillow fights with her co-star, Valerie Bertinelli. Please welcome One Day At A Time star Mackenzie Phillips...wait, what? We're out of time? Already? Well, I'm sure it's a great book and maybe talks about the importance of family. Be sure to join us tomorrow night when our guests include Hollywood director Roman Polanski! I bet he's got a big new movie to promot...wait, what? What "travel problems"? Well, we'll work something out.

How about THIS...Hugh Jackman doing live theater. Yeah, not such a big deal for the guy who hosted the Tonys, right? Well, one of his paying customers committed a cardinal sin in the audience...he didn't turn off his cell phone. Check out how Hugh reacts to the ringing phone:



Yeah, FUCK THAT GUY. It's rude enough when I'm in a movie and people will talk on a ringing cell phone, but to leave your phone on when there are LIVE performers on stage? That guy's lucky Jackman didn't go all Christian Bale on his ass, or they'd be done, professionally.

Speaking of things that are appalling, Sarah Palin's new memoir is coming out soon. I hear she's mulling over two possible titles: "Going Rogue" or "How The Bible Says I Should Be Vice-President, So There, Liberal Media." Hm...can't wait to see which one she picks.

Hey, the health care debate is STILL GOING ON. Meanwhile, President Obama, First Lady Michelle Obama and Might-As-Well-Be First Lady Oprah Winfrey spent Friday fighting a losing battle to bring the 2016 Summer Olympics to Chicago (Rio de Janeiro won). To be fair, I hear the Olympic Committee is against government-run health care. Anyway, so new numbers out this week show medical providers, businesses and other groups have spent $110 million this year on television advertising fighting about the health care overhaul. I'm sorry...what??? And the AARP is one of the biggest spenders??? Hey, old people bitchin' about how you don't want the government controlling your health care...open your good eye and take a look at how your money is CURRENTLY spent! Wouldn't that $110 million be better spent on more diabetes commercials with Wilford Brimley???

Speaking of "what the fuck" moments, the Wisconsin Tourism Federation recently had to change its name...because it found out its initials spell WTF. The mistake was pointed out by the Parents Eager to Nix Inacceptable Spelling. They're always looking for government loopholes to fill.

I'm all for people minding their own business, but this might have gone a little far. A couple in Massachusetts was standing in line at a Kentucky Fried Chicken (so you already KNOW they're classy...at least they bothered to get out of their car and stand for a minute)...and they started cussing because the line was moving too slow. There were some CHILDREN in line, so a guy asks them to stop. Police say the couple then BEAT THAT MAN as he was leaving the restaurant! Wisconsin Tourism Federation? They probably had their cell phones on in line too.

Now, for a parting shot...special G-20 summit coverage from The Daily Show:

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
Pittsburgh Irates
www.thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor Ron Paul Interview

-B-

Dip The Ladle

Welcome to September and the official start of the fall TV season. Gotta make this one short because I still have about 80 shows on my DVR to watch...from Thursday and Friday nights ALONE! You know you're trying to record too much shit when your DVR starts smoking. So, it's a sad day here at Thinking Hard. It's the last week for Intern Kelsay, who has taken an offer to actually EARN money and work DECENT, NON-OVERNIGHT hours in a different city. (I wonder if I paid people and didn't lie to them, morale would improve around here...oh, well) So, I've been searching far and wide and spoken to our japanese branch of Thinking Hard (in OHIO...it's only funny if you know basic japanese), and I think I've come up with something as a going-away present. No, it's not that video game where you slam your hands on the table and flip it, causing a giant scene in a video game restaurant (oh, Japan, is there NOTHING you can't come up with...besides cures for major diseases?). It's the new "personal mobility device" from Honda. Yeah, if you saw the Segway and thought "Wow, I can just FEEL obesity rates climbing around the world," then you're gonna LOVE this thing:Wow, seeing Honda's president using it doesn't make it seem awkward to use AT ALL. Hey, you know what? I've just come up with my own "personal mobility device"...a LEG. Tell you what, I'll even let you have it for a two-for-one deal! Fuckin' Honda. Speaking of awkward and fuckin' (no, I'm NOT going where you think I'm going...which would be the mental image of a Mark Sanford, Argentinian woman, NY Governor David Paterson 3-way..."At least I'm not in NEW JERSEY!"), Kelsay, I hope your first day on the job doesn't end up like one of the new cast members of Saturday Night Live last night. See, with Amy Poehler out on her own and Kristen Wiig presumably about to be checked into a mental ward, SNL needed new women cast members, so they hired a couple of unknowns, rolling the dice and thinking they could be funny. On your first day on the job, you really, REALLY want to make a good impression. So one of the cast members tried her chops at hosting a sketch called "Biker Chick Chat," a fairly unfunny segment (unless, I presume, you're a biker chick) that put the word "friggin" EVERYWHERE in the script. And you know, if it's your first major sketch on live TV, and the word "friggin" is all over the script, you just KNOW it's a recipe for disaster:
So, Kelsay, best wishes and caviar dreams. Just don't "frig" it up. -B-

You Ain't Tall, Midget, You Just Clever

Ahoy, me buckos...and buckettes...or buckets...and welcome ye booties to a special "Talk Like A Pirate Day" edition of Thinking Harrrrrrd. We have a lot of ground to cover toda...wait, what?...oh...I'm being informed it's also my birthday. Huh. Understandable. I bet my mom was swearing like a pirate hooker the day I was born.

Well, Kanye West got the ball rolling early for "Talk Like A Pirate (Hooker) Day." In case you missed his "MTV Hates Black People" moment, Beyonce and Taylor Swift were both up for best female video at the Video Music Awards last Sunday. Taylor won. In the MIDDLE OF HER ACCEPTANCE SPEECH, some bone in Kanye's body thinks it would be a great idea to jump on stage, grab Taylor's mic, say "I'm sorry, Taylor, I'll let you finish, but BEYONCE HAD THE BEST VIDEO OF THE YEAR!" Beyonce was embarrassed, Taylor was embarrassed, and after winning video of the year later in the show, Beyonce invited Taylor out to have her moment. Big ups to Beyonce...but Kanye? What...the...fuck? Here's a tip if you are EVER invited back to the VMAs: it's only a good idea to hop on stage and grab someone's mic if you're about to announce that there's a fire in the damn building! And you, sir, are no fire in no damn building. Though, to be fair, in all of his apologies this week, Kanye would've been accepted if he said he was abducted by aliens and THEY made him do it. After all, who ELSE would've left those crop circles in his hair??? For the record, that's not a race joke...that's a "Oh, come ON, KANYE!" joke.

President Obama spoke briefly like a pirate hooker about this whole mess. CNBC was setting up for an interview:

Now, that would have been funny had the media NOT in the room gotten a hold of the information. Terry Moran of ABC News later TWEETED (hate it, hate it) that President Obama called Kanye a jackass. Sure, his crack news team hears THAT, but not the part right after when he says "off the record." ABC News was too busy shouting to other newsroom workers "OBAMA JUST CALLED KANYE A JACKASS! HOW CAN WE PUT THIS OUT QUICKLY? TWITTER? OKAY! THAT SEEMS LIKE A LEGITIMATELY GOOD IDEA!" Moran later apologized to the White House.

Oh, and let's not forget about Serena Williams talking like a pirate hooker at the US Open last weekend. A line judge called her on a foot-fault (a RULE IN TENNIS, mind you) that happened to cost her a point that cost her the match and a trip to the women's finals. Her response? She channeled the ONLY good tennis smack-talker, John McEnroe, and threw her racket, then yelled at the line judge and threatened to, and I quote, "shove this fucking ball down your throat." Later, she said she did not threaten to kill the line judge. No, of course not. Didn't you hear her? She was offering to feed her. Maybe she looked hungry. Tell you what, let me put Seth and Amy on this one:


Ah, Joe Wilson. We'll be laughing at you for weeks...then wagging our fingers at you in shame.

But honestly, could there be a more embarrassing live television moment this week? Only the best here at "Thinking Hard," where an anchor tried to riff off an old chicken commercial, and failed. Big time:

I'm not sure what made me laugh harder: the co-anchor's eyes bugging out of her head...or the weather guy saying "I'll do that."

While we're on the topic of bizarre video and angry people, check this out: there's a new arcade game in Japan. I love the japanese people...they have the kookiest stuff. For example, no one in the US would ever think to make a meal out of seaweed, rice and raw fish. But sushi still tastes great (or so I'm told). But there's a new video game that actually puts players in a restaurant, eating and trying to get the attention of other people at the table...by POUNDING ON IT. Then, your character finally gets so angry that, well, you have to do THIS:

(Also, never have I seen a guy so NOT angry in a game that requires you to act angry.)

Let's move away from all this anger talk. This week, we lost an important Hollywood icon. Patrick Swayze died, proving his method acting WAS awesome enough to be cast in "Ghost 2: The Revenge of Demi Moore." He'd been battling cancer for months and actually was putting up a good fight, but eventually the cancer won. Not only did we lose a great actor, consider this chilling factoid: Don Swayze is now the most talented Swayze:




Okay, I'm out to pick up a pirate hooker. I think I'll let her "walk me plank."
-B-