Game On

Well, the Democrats are done with their convention and Republican presidential candidate John McCain will be walking into Minnesota next week for the GOP convention with a new running mate. And I'm told he's picking Minnesota's own governor Tim Pawlenty! Congratulations! I'm sure we'll have "Pawlenty" of time to consider voting...

...wait, I'm being told that McCain is NOT going with Pawlenty and instead is choosing former rival for the White House Mitt Romney! Congratulations! Y'know, between the two of them, McCain and Romney have had more wives than the entire Republican party, and I think Romney is still married to most of...

...wait, NOT Romney either? Then who...

...you...are...shitting...me...

...okay, it's been confirmed. John McCain has officially chosen Alaska's Governor Sarah Palin to be his running mate in the November election. Hmmm...I have no joke for this one.

Seriously, McCain surprised a lot of people today. He chose a 44-year-old mother of five children, so we now have the YOUNGEST candidate in this election running alongside the OLDEST...MAN EVER. In fact, let's accentuate that point. During his speech in Ohio Friday to introduce Palin, he was cut off THREE TIMES by the crowd singing "Happy Birthday" to him. And he seemed a little pissed off to be interrupted by a crowd with worse rhythmic timing than he has...AND to be reminded that he's 72 years old! Seriously, it went a little something like this:
(crowd sings Happy Birthday)
"Okay, thank you for remembering my birthday. Now, I have an important..."
(crowd interrupts to sing Happy Birthday again, presumably the second stanza)
"Okay, that's twice."
(crowd jumps in to sing again...)
"Seriously, SHUT THE FUCK UP! I'M OLD! I GET IT!"

It was actually kind of funny to watch McCain build up the speech momentum with "Let me introduce to you the next Vice.." and be interrupted by a bunch of "WHOOOOOOOOO!!!! YEAH!!!!!" and have to REPEAT "Let me introduce to you the next Vice President.." It's almost like he wanted to say "Will someone PLEASE let me finish my story before I forget it again??"

So, Governor Palin, welcome aboard. I'm sure your defense of the proud land of Alaska will continue as the Republicans push to drill in the Alaskan Oil Refuge to "reduce dependence on foreign oil" (read: drill more holes in the U.S.). I'm sure the fact your 19-year-old son is about to be deployed with the Army in the Middle East will make you want to go along with McCain's plan to "end the war at some point..eventually...some day... even if it takes 100 years." And I'm sure your complete inexperience in foreign policy will make you the perfect person to take over as President of the United States of America once McCain's heart FINALLY gives out...the day after the inauguration. (I wonder if it would happen while they're in bed TOGETHER.. talk about a SCANDAL!!! It would be enough to make everyone forget about that other guy, whose name rhymes with SCHBILL SCHCLINTON)

I guess the political game is coming down to change versus experience. Obama's camp issued a statement about Palin, saying it appears McCain has tabled any talk about experience in this debate. Hey, just because Palin's never set foot out of Alaska with her NRA lifetime membership card doesn't mean she, too, doesn't want to bomb the shit out of every country in the Gulf.

Either way, it's going to be an interesting November. We'll either have the first black president or the first woman vice-president. As for me, I think I'm going to write in Bill Gates as a candidate. In this time of economic uncertainty, it seems like only a billionaire can REALLY give you any change.
-B-

Hey, hey, hey I'm back

Hello, everyone. The other half of thinking hard is back on the air. This blog kinda fell by the wayside with the after founding my new blog.

Now with all my free time south of the border, its like why not do both.

I found this while surfing a TV message board. While I may be out of the Tee-Vee it may take months or years for it to get out of my system.

Do they sell TV detox on infomercials?

It's a good diagram of how most newscasts these days are produced. The post was part of a discussion on why local TV news ratings are down.

Enjoy.

P.S. since I am in Peru for some reason Blogger's spell check is all Spanish. Any typos are due to my terrible spelling abilities.

story 1: drug/thug murder
grfx#1:map
grfx#2:vic pic & or/suspect mug
too to breathless reporter live at 14 hour old crime scene
vo: flashing police lights & yellow crime tape
sot: cop bite outQ witnesses come forward
tag grfx#3 police hotline

story 2: sex crime arrest:
grfx#1: mugshot
grfx#1: court doucmet pull out


story 3: 7-11/bank robbery
grfx#1 map
grfx#2 security cam pix
vo: store from parking lot
sot: cop bite outQ fled on foot


quick weather check

story#4: deadly car crash
grfx#1 map
grfx#2 victim pic
vo of crime scene
sot: cop bite w/ outQ under investgation

tz: swimming pool of death--is one in your backyard?
and storm looming that will thousands

and we wonder why they dont watch!

Biden His Time Until He's President

If you can't beat 'em, join 'em. That's the saying, and apparently it's Senator Joe Biden's campaign tactic. Yup, HE'S Barack Obama's mystery running mate in the 2008 presidential election. Many poor bastards were woken up with a text message sharing the exciting news...around 3am Saturday morning. How's that for your hangover? Strangely enough, I was NOT awake for that phone call at 3am. (Yeah, isn't irony HILLARY-ous?)

But will Biden help Obama's effort for change in Washington? I mean, nothing screams change like an african-american presidential candidate picking a white-bread running mate. It almost SCREAMS for a sitcom, doesn't it? "Whitey and the Prez." Hang on, gotta call the networks to pitch the idea...

and they say it's already been done. I think not. "Miami Vice" does NOT count.

So, Obama made a wise move and picked a man who knows a lot about foreign relations, which is somewhere that Obama hasn't shown a lot of experience. Like The Daily Show says... nothing like a war to teach you where all the countries of the world are located.

But here's the downside... whatever hope Obama had (if he had any) for improving rights for gay couples could be out the window. Biden's a catholic (no offense to my catholic readers). They generally don't favor rights for gays. Something about sodomy being a sin. Same goes for abortion. If Biden has any pull in the Obama administration, pro-lifers will continue to be favored by the White House.

But, and I will always say this, I could be wrong. Biden might not have a problem with gay rights and/or abortion. Or Obama will be strong enough to say, "Hey, thanks Joe, but I got this one." Or McCain will pick Bob Dole as his running mate and win the White House. Hey, they've both got that "sticking their arms out at a 90-degree angle while they hold pretty much anything" thing going on... and if there were any two guys who REALLY needed Viagra...

Democratic National Convention starts Monday. McCain expects to announce his running mate Friday. Happy election season! (Be vewwwy quiet...I'm hunting Wepubwicans...huhuhuhuhuhuhuh)
-B-

Hasta Lambada, Amigo!

Hey gang! Welcome back to Thinking Hard. We're on Phelps Watch '08...Michael Phelps has now won 6 of 8 gold medals at the 2008 Summer Olympics in Beijing, China. And none of them are chocolate medallions. That, to me, is the biggest rip-off of the olympics. Sure, you get a gold medal, but then what? Back to working the drive-thru at Burger King? "Hey, kid, I'm glad to hear you broke the record of most gold medals won at the Olympics...but you fucked up my order again! Apparently you came in last in the 'Not Fucking Up My Order Relay.'" Anyway, good luck to Phelps with his last two swimming finals and to all of the US Olympic competitors.

Also, you might have noticed we FINALLY made some new friends here on the show. Please welcome Homestar Runner, a quirky animated website that is as brilliant as it is...um...quirky. I encourage you to familiarize yourself with the characters on the character menu, then check out "sb emails," where the belligerent Strong Bad answers actual questions emailed by fans of the site. Because no one else would be that stupid to email questions like those. And for those of you living in the "IPod Generation," the Strong Bad emails are becoming available as podcasts...find that link at the bottom of the main page.

And you'll notice "Cubeecraft." I'm sure none of you are familiar with papercraft, but it's been developed in Asia and brought stateside. Picture origami...with instructions...and folding the paper into little cubes that you can assemble by "inserting tab A into slot A, etc." and they actually make things you RECOGNIZE! No more "Is that a swan or a toilet?" Now, people passing by your desk will say "Wow, where did you get that cube version of a Stormtrooper?...I'm such a nerd." Seriously, you download and print the pieces, cut, fold and assemble. It's a pretty cool little site.

Finally, you'll notice one called "Gringo in Peru." One of the founding members of Thinking Hard (of which there are only two), Andy Graning, is moving to Peru next week after recently tying the knot with his lovely wife, Vanessa. He's been posting for about a week now and explains why he's travelling to Peru and how long he could be there... and that he already has a job lined up (Way to go, Andy!). I don't really know why this should feel any different, since he's been in Minnesota and I've been in North Carolina since this online venture began. But it does. My buddy is going "internacional!" Just the mention that he's going to a different continent makes it feel like he's going to a different world. And, in many ways, he is. So I've taken the liberty of translating a few key words and phrases Andy might need while in Peru:
(by the way, these have been verified by Wikipedia, which also reminded me that George Clinton served as president before Sophia Bush...)
- Beer = cerveza
- More Beer = mas cerveza
- Tequila = mas hangovera
- Bathroom = bano
- Where is the bathroom? = donde esta el bano
- Help, my head is stuck in the toilet = ayuda, mi cabeza se ha quedado atascado en el inodoro
- Chalupa = colonblowa
- I think I have food poisoning = creo que he intoxicacion alimentaria
- Did I see a rat tail in that chalupa? = no veo una cola de rata en que chalupa
- Please don't rob me, the American Dollar is worth nothing (this actually works IN America as well) = por favor no me roban, el dolar americano no vale nada

And I've been informed that Andy will still be checking his email via Yahoo!, which he assures me is still active in Peru. I took the liberty of looking up what Yahoo means in spanish.. one definition is Barbaro!...which is the same name of a now-dead Kentucky Derby winner. So, I'm not going to spend a lot of time beating a Yahoo, but I wish Andy and Vanessa a "gran aventura" (great adventure) in Peru from the bottom of my heart...and I'll be waiting with the bottle of tequila for the homecoming fiesta.

Just don't eat the gusano.
-B-

He Coulda Been a Contenda

Just when I thought the 2008 election season was getting boring...

Former Democratic V.P. candidate and North Carolina's golden boy, John Edwards, admitted in an interview with ABC's Bob Woodruff that he did, indeed, have an affair.

So what?

Yes, the TIMING of the affair is a little...erm...BAD, considering his wife, Elizabeth, had just finished battling CANCER. Apparently, it happened back in 2006 with a campaign aide who had been signed on to produce mini-documentaries about John Edwards. I've seen the picture of the aide, and she's not hot, but she's certainly not as "what the fuck was HE thinking" as a certain PRESIDENTIAL mistress. If you don't remember who she is, her name sounds like SCHMONICA SCHLEWINSKY.

Edwards says his inflated ego at the time allowed him to think he could get away with the affair. This comes after months of denying the story to the press...MONTHS after the tabloids got a hold of the story. In fact, one of my favorite parts of his interview with Woodruff was when Woodruff asked about supposed "hush-money" paid to the aide/mistress (he was referring to an article seen in a recent tabloid) and Edwards says, "Well, obviously that's not the case. Consider the source of the story." Oh, yeah...those crazy, ill-reputed tabloids...the same ones who published some rubbish about YOU HAVING AN AFFAIR TWO YEARS AGO!

Ahem...anyway, so where do we go from here? The Edwards family surely has some stuff to get through in private...probably with the help of about 6 therapists. And surely any shot Edwards had at being a running mate with Barack Obama is gone. Edwards also says he expects to do something else with his life besides politics...maybe law. (I would suggest "family law" or quickly becoming a "divorce attorney") But honestly, what does all this matter? Divorce and adultery are more predominant in today's society. Bill Clinton got caught doing the naughty nookie while in the White House, and he finished serving out his term. Hell, THAT worked out more as a PR stunt for Hillary than anything else...too bad she waited 8 years to cash in. Ted Kennedy has been consistently re-elected after that incident with the babysitter and the car that went over the bridge. Suuuure, Ted, NOTHING happened with that babysitter. Careful, Pinocchio, I can see your tumor growing. And even John McCain has admitted to having "marital problems" in the past...apparently he met Ugg in another cave after saving her from a pterodactyl and decided he wanted nothing more to do with Omm. (HE'S OLD!)

Seriously, it's a family matter for the Edwards clan. It sucks for them and there will always be a black cloud over their marriage, but I don't see why it should bother us. Hell, the Republicans were ready to send a guy to the White House who claimed it was his RELIGION to practice polygamy (I'm looking at you, Mitt Romney). And I don't think the scandal should even TOUCH Barack's campaign for presidency. The only things that could hurt him would be if people confused his name with the leader of an international terrorist group and if there was SOMETHING about him that made him appear different than any other president before him.

Oh crap.
-B-

When You're a Jet, You're a Jet All The Way...

I don't do sports much here (or West Side Story lyrics, for that matter), but I wanted to briefly hit this one.. and then I'll get to the more casual stuff.

Soooo, Brett Favre, three-time MVP quarterback of the Green Bay Packers... you, uh, enjoy "retirement"? Not so much, huh? Too bad there wasn't a minor-league baseball team to play for or ailing (yes, I said it...AILING) NBA franchise to own (I'm looking at you, Mr. "Captain Comeback" Michael Jordan) in your "retirement." I feel dumb even using that word to describe it. How about "publicized vacation with love letters from fans"? OH! I've got it..."Eventually Going Out...Trying Relaxing In Private." Man, I can't write all that for the rest of this column. How about I acronymize it? Let's see... E-G....O....T-R....I....P.... Okay, so Favre took his EGOTRIP and decided he wanted to hop back in the Packers line-up for the love of all cheeseheads. Except, oh wait, here's something he didn't count on: they didn't WANT him back in the line-up! And to punctuate the "Fuck You", he got traded to the New York Jets. Super Bowl, here he comes! Next time you decide to take an EGOTRIP, I suggest you take it to a Hillshire Farms kiosk at the mall so you can get alllll the cheese you want in the winter.

Okay, onto other stuff. Anybody see this "campaign ad" (geez, what's with me and quotation marks today? or parentheses for that matter?) featuring Paris Hilton? No, no, I'm not talking about the one where John McCain compares Barack Obama to trashy white chicks Britney Spears and Paris Hilton. I'm talking about the one released the next day on www.funnyordie.com . Paris is lounging by the pool, apparently taking a few minutes away from her busy day of starring in her next homemade porno and writing on her daily blog, "Why It's Hot to Think That Nicole Richie is a Trashy Bitch"...dot-net. It's a very tongue-in-cheek spot where she thanks "wrinkly white guy" McCain for the apparent endorsement for the White House. Then she INTELLIGENTLY offers a sensible energy plan (the only part of the commercial that was obviously written by someone smarter than her..a second-grader) and tells Obama and McCain that she'll..and I quote..."see you at the debates, bitches." Let me be the first to point out that I don't like Paris Hilton. I could run down my entire list of reasons to hate her, but this blog doesn't have enough room, so I'll hit the highlights: trashy, that ugly chin, the chihuahua, The Simple Life, The Simple Life 2, The Simple Life 3, the chin, she won't return my calls, seriously what is up with that pointy chin... But, in the end, she does a great job of poking fun at herself (that is, IF she gets the joke) and the candidates. I won't write in Paris on the November ballot...but I might consider Miley Cyrus. At least SHE'S willing to strip for a magazine...

And back to the chihuahua...attention dog lovers! And by "dog lovers", I mean you talk with them, bathe with them, eat dog biscuits with them, commiserate about why no man will ever love EITHER of you, etc. In the face of myspace comes www.doggyspace.com . Yes, it's the open forum for people who can't hold a sane thought... er, I mean, absolutely LOVE their widdle puppies! yes they DO!... to join the rampant internet community of other dog lovers and share their stories to find common bonds. I had hoped for a "deathmatch-style dog fight" gathering, but was instantly booted from the server with a swat on the forehead with a newspaper and a voice telling me "Bad dog!" Point is, it's nice to see a friendly forum for animal lovers. Now they're not pestering me on match.com.
-B-