| The Daily Show with Jon Stewart | Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c | |||
| NFL Referee Labor Dispute | ||||
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Sunday, September 30, 2012
It's. Just. A. Game. So CHILL OUT!
Breaking news from the Thinking Hard offices...I'm told as of 9:21 am ET Sunday, September 30, 2012...this blog has had 9,983 pageviews since its inception. We're almost to 10k, people! By this time next week, I imagine we'll have hit that mark. Prepare the party hats...
But I'm being told I only have one minute left to write this week's blog because we had to leave more time for Justin Beiber and Usher. Billie Joe Armstrong, lead singer of Green Day, what do YOU think about only having one minute left?
My point exactly. I am the fucking 80s. Also, Armstrong went to rehab shortly after and the rest of the band said they were NOT cut short. So, no, Billie Joe Armstrong, I don't have the time to listen to you whine about nothing and everything all at once. Let's see Justin Beiber's response...
Yeah, that's how we all feel about your music, Justin. Unless we're girls younger than 25.
Hey, I'd like to get something off my chest if you'll indulge me for a moment. A couple of sports stories caught my attention this week. First, a reporter tweeted something that got people upset. Unfortunate that there are now enough people with so little time on their hands that a random tweet caught their attention. Also unfortunate that it was tweeted in the first place. Ah, internet...are there any lives you CAN'T ruin? Also, anyone catch the NFL bullshit? While I'm talking about the story of the replacement refs filling in because of a contract dispute with the actual refs, I'm not referring DIRECTLY to that. No, I'm referring to the backlash from the fans. Oh. Mylanta. If you weren't following it, the nutshell is the replacement referees made some bad calls because, y'know, they're replacements and fans got REALLY pissed. Because there's nothing more distressing than having bad calls on the football field...except, maybe, NO GAMES AT ALL. And let's consider how much attention this story got in the mainstream media...which, I WILL quote Sarah Palin this time, can truly be considered the "lamestream" media. This was treated like a damn war! Except, of course, that the NEWS of ACTUAL WARS was shoved aside to make room for this dumb fucking story in newscasts. Come on, people! You should only be really upset if you're pissing away $15,000 on a bet on the Packers/Seahawks game...and then, you've got a bigger problem called "gambling addiction." And probably "foreclosure." And "divorce." And likely "alcohol abuse." Seriously, sports fans have done lost their damn minds. And for many, that's just part of a bigger issue. I know people who have passed up spending time with their families to go to games. Unless you're a 7-year-old cancer patient, your precious athletes probably aren't going to be there for you like your family. But I digress. I guess I could've just left this to Jon Stewart...
Ah, Jon Stewart's ass makes everything feel better... Look, sports fans, I have nothing against you. I would just like to see your religious fanaticism directed toward something...else. That's all. I love you crazy kids. Tell you what...let's end this week's blog with a shared laugh.
The moral...always read the fine print.
-B-
Sunday, September 23, 2012
You Missed My Birthday
That's okay...I forgive you.
Hey, welcome back to one of the best weeks ever here at Thinking Hard. 1. I took most of the week off to celebrate another anniversary of the day of my birth. (Still haven't decided if it was a good idea for Dad to say "Let's try it tonight WITHOUT the condom..") 2. Mitt F'n Romney. Hidden camera video FTW! Y'know, I get great joy out of seeing these clips during the campaign season (you're allowed to shoot as many campaigns as you can haul back to your truck), but let's be honest here...none of it has anything to do with the issues. We already know where Romney stands (business RULZ!) and we know where Obama stands (remember when you were afraid of "death panels?")...with the exception of international issues, Mr. Romney...so can we PLEASE get past the hidden camera videos and get to the real crux of the election? PLEASE???...well, maybe we can wait for Jon Stewart to take a few shots at Fox News (which, by the way, now has the BEST. NICKNAME. EVER.), but THEN...
(I think my favorite part of that last clip is when Craig T. Nelson believes there's a Food Stamp Fairy somewhere...) Y'know what, let's do one more. A wrap of the political conventions...with the most ignorant human being this side of Sarah Palin at the end of the clip:
Man, what are we going to laugh at after Election Day? Hey, did you stand in line like an idiot this week to get the "new" iPhone? The iPhone 5 (see also: iPhone 4S minus useless things like ACCURATE MAPS) came out Friday. As an Android phone user (and iPod owner), it's frustrating that Apple gets the better apps FIRST. Seriously, I'm playing Matching with Friends and Gems with Friends on my iPod...because Zynga decided to release SLOTS WITH FRIENDS on the Android market instead. Seriously. Slots. It might as well be called "Gambling Addictions with Friends." Anywho, I briefly pondered picking up the new iPhone, but only if they were to put awesome new features on it. Like THIS "responsibly and accurately produced news report from the Fox station in New York" says it has. (I would TOTALLY have bought the iPhone for this)
“Starting at $200 bucks, the iPhone 5 is sleeker, has a laser keyboard, holographic images and other cool new features.”
In actuality, the reporter had seen a video produced by a visual effects company in San Francisco of ITS version of an iPhone 5 prototype. There are no laser keyboards or holographic images...yet. Also, I want to point out that the station removed the video of the original report, presumably out of embarrassment. Hell, I'm only a CASUAL follower of Apple, and even I knew there were no such features on the phone. I mean, I work with some imcompetent people, some of which TAKE their story ideas FROM Fox, but STILL...
I don't mean to suggest that these reporters be killed by the mob. But we're moving on to video that can best be described as "whack"...
That's out of Philadelphia. Philadelphia. Where traffic reporters go to get "whacked."
-B-
| The Daily Show with Jon Stewart | Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c | |||
| Chaos on Bulls**t Mountain | ||||
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| The Daily Show with Jon Stewart | Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c | |||
| Chaos on Bulls**t Mountain - Video Distractions | ||||
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| The Daily Show with Jon Stewart | Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c | |||
| Chaos on Bulls**t Mountain - The Entitlement Society | ||||
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| The Daily Show with Jon Stewart | Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c | |||
| Finger-Pointing Blame Game | ||||
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Monday, September 17, 2012
People Who Mispronounce Words & Names Should Not Read The News
I wish I had something to go off that title for you. As it stands, it's just my frustrations shining through into the blog. Don't mind me. Carry on.
Hey, welcome back to the festivities. Sorry this week's installment is a day late. I spent the weekend with my dad and grandpa in a "Three Generations Of The Guys" weekend. I'm sure I'll write about it in a book someday, but I'll tell you one of the more surprising moments was the Dr. Pepper stain in my new car. Yes, I'm more willing to forgive my grandpa for spilling Dr. Pepper in the car than my cat for puking on my couch...because at least I know my grandpa will try to be more careful in the future. My cat? Just stares at me.
So this week's post will be brief because I have mostly nothing. I did, however, see an interesting interview quote with actress Kristen Stewart. In case you're not in the know, let me catch you up: she's the chick from Twilight who dated her vampire co-star in real life. Then, when she was shooting another movie, she was caught on paparazzi cam canoodling (word of the day) with her director, who's married. So the recent news stories have been of Stewart's boyfriend moving out of their home, then possibly making up. Now, let's move forward to an interview with Stewart about her new movie "On The Road." I want you to keep all of the previous information in mind as you read Stewart's quote to MTV about her new director: "He puts so much inside of you." PLEASE tell me that's a misquote.
That's all I got. Now I'm going to look at topless pictures of Kate Middleton and Allison Pill from HBO's The Newsroom.
-B-
Sunday, September 9, 2012
"These Police Have Grenade Launchers...And All I Have Is This Stuffed Dinosaur!"
Shit you not, that is a quote from one of the PUSSIEST protesters I have ever seen. He and others were trying to get their message of...um...well, there was...huh...well, apparently it was important and very memorable. I'm so glad they took the time to protest at 10pm weeknights during the DNC in Charlotte this week. Because, hey, they just want their voices heard. And they want a shower. Perhaps several. And a place to stay. Since they bought one-way tickets to Charlotte with no apparent way to get home. I'm still not quite sure what the thinking was behind that. They bought ONE-WAY tickets to Charlotte to protest the DNC. How long did they think the DNC was? It's only a three-day convention! Dear protesters, perhaps your lack of foresight and planning is NOT a problem caused by politicians. Love, Blaine. PS: No, you can't stay in my apartment. But you CAN take my cat with you.
So, if you turned on TV at all this week, you should not be surprised to hear the Democratic National Convention was held this week. In fact, as The Soup (on E!) pointed out, Bill Clinton's speech was scheduled for the same time block as "Here Comes Honey Goo-Goo Clusters"...are you SURE that's not the name? It does appear that the child eats a LOT. And she had better appease her mom daily, as it appears the punishment for children in that family who misbehave is to be EATEN by their mother. "I pushed you out of my belly, and by God, I can put you back in there!" (by the way, interesting side note, I actually came up with "Honey Goo-Goo Clusters" in a dream last night. Yes, even when I'm ASLEEP, I'm thinking of ways to entertain you.)
Anyway, kudos to Charlotte for pulling off the giant pain in the ass that is known as the DNC. Police didn't shoot any a-hole protesters, and there were quite a few who seemed to just want to piss off the police. I think it says something about the quality of the protesters when they hold a march and their rally cry is "1-2-3, fuck the police...4-5-6, fuck the police." What, you couldn't even make it rhyme? Where's the effort? Oh, wait, if they were to actually exercise EFFORT, they would be EMPLOYED. And thus not have the time to camp out in a park for a week.
As I've documented pretty well, The Daily Show also broadcast from Charlotte during the DNC. I'm sad to say they did not hire me on the spot. But that's mostly because my 12-hour, uncompensated work days left me too exhausted to go job hunting with Jon Stewart. But during the DNC, The Daily Show came up with my new favorite segment...
Also, thanks to The Daily Show for showing me that Seinfeld's "Newman," Wayne Knight, was also at the convention. I'm glad he could take time away from his busy schedule of shooting Jurassic Park 4 and Space Jam 2. (Actually, I hear at least ONE of those movies might actually exist soon...)
But, hey, you know me. I love me some local media too. Let's start with another protest... this time in Dallas. A woman somehow got into the ABC station's studio, then laid down and refused to leave (somebody in security's gettin' fiiiiiirrrrrrrrrred...). So the station did what any good station would do: turned it into the top story.
Come to find out, the whole thing was a terrible misunderstanding. Honey Boo-Boo's mom stopped by for an interview, bent over to pick up a cracker crumb (that turned out to be a rock...she ate it anyway) and exerted herself so much she had to sit down. That was followed by the realization that she couldn't sit down without something propping up her back, so she laid down and couldn't get back up. Everything's bigger in Texas. Watch all of the emergency personnel it took to hoist her off the floor. Go ahead, watch it again. I'll wait. I hope that station's security department picks up a new security device...a forklift.
Some sad news this week...actor Michael Clarke Duncan died this week after suffering a heart attack back in July. It would appear one TV station has never seen "The Green Mile," however, as THIS is the shot they aired during the story:
Yeah...no. That's the singer Seal. Who says his ex-wife Heidi Klum is "fornicating with the help." That's not Michael Clarke Duncan, the OTHER BALD BLACK GUY in the news this week. To its credit, the station offered an apology on its FACEBOOK page that went like this:
Yep; our bad; we own it. A careless editing error at the end of the Michael Clarke Duncan story in our 11pm news. Two entertainment stories accidentally merged into one video clip. Sincere apologies.
The evening anchor also went on air to turn shit into shitty lemonade by saying “One of our core values here at 2 On Your Side, of course, is transparency for you, the viewer. Not only in the way we tell you stories, but also when we make a mistake. We own up to it. It was our bad.” Wait, what?? Since when does "our bad" qualify as an apology? Or even something that should be spoken aloud on a professional newscast? Well, I guess it'll have to do. I wouldn't mind, though, seeing the people who made the error show up on TV and apologize for "fornicating with the newscast."
Y'know, I complain a lot about the quality of people who work in local (and oft-times national) news, but I'm human too. We all make errors and it seems like more of them just happen to be made on air nowadays. It happens. These are just mistakes. HOWEVER, what I CAN'T forgive is when someone does something CLEARLY unprofessional on TV, whether it be local or national. That's why Fox News drives me crazy. That's why MSNBC at times drives me crazy. And that's why THIS clip from my local Fox affiliate drives me ABSOLUTELY BONKERS. There are certain places you don't ask for a job: holidays with the in-laws, when your boss introduces you to a colleague at a different company, etc. But this is CLEARLY when you don't want to do it, even if it IS somewhat tongue-in-cheek:
Really dude? You specifically gave him something big enough that he couldn't just throw away on his way out the door??? That's Anderson Fucking Cooper! And while I appreciate that you've probably only ever seen him on his ridiculous talk show or with Kathy Griffin on New Year's Eve, he is more of a journalist than you will ever be! He's covered wars and conflicts...he's taken his OWN CAMERA into war zones to post videos online that he wasn't convinced anyone would be watching! THAT'S a job interview! Handing him a giant card with your face on it...that's just a douchey move.
That said...Jon Stewart, if you have an opening on your writing staff, could you take me back to New York with you?
-B-
| The Daily Show with Jon Stewart | Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c | |||
| Hope and Change 2 - Last Week This Week | ||||
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Sunday, September 2, 2012
Bring On The Invisible DNC!
I'm pumped...I'm all stocked up on hard liquor so I can start my alcoholism this week as I deal with the Democratic National Convention. Extended work hours without extra pay? I wonder what invisible President Obama would say about that...
Before I start our special coverage of the Republican National Convention, let's get to some breaking news...
I hope he gets a medal of honor from police for his bravery in "Just Standing There Doing Nothing While A Suspect Runs By." If it's any consolation, the suspect wasn't a killer or anything. He just started running during a routine traffic stop. I would've liked to see that reporter cover Hurricane Isaac: "Well, we're here in Louisiana and WOW! LOOK AT THAT HUGE TIDAL WAVE! It looks like it's going to...yep, it wiped out that crowd of people that I could have yelled at to warn them, but I was doing other things. And now I'm off to the nearest Starbucks. Reporting live from Louisiana..."
Alright, now for the main event. The "mystery speaker" set up for the final night of the RNC. And you knew it HAD to be someone big because the speech was set up for the same night as Mitt Romney's acceptance speech. Oh, it was big, all right. HUGE. A big...look at the problem of giving America's elderly proper mental care...
Now, you're probably in one of two camps watching that speech: 1. Does this mean Clint Eastwood is trying to promote his new film, "A Fistful of...HOLY SHIT, SOMEONE ELSE'S HAND IS ATTACHED TO MY WRIST...No, Wait, It's Just Mine"? or 2. "And now, for the portion of the convention for what republicans refer to as 'comedy'..." Seriously, it's a wonder Clint Eastwood didn't violently turn into Gary Busey during that speech...
(Side note: whoever set up the Invisible Obama account on Twitter is a genius, and I'm not one to put the words "Twitter" and "genius" together. As of this posting, the account has more than 66,000 followers in just three days. Today's highlights include "Groupons > Medicare vouchers." Y'know, Invisible Obama is more interesting than Romney. I think a "Obama vs. Invisible Obama" presidential race would be VERY tight...)
But it got me to thinking...what if the whole speech was just a very subtle commercial? Specifically, a commercial for IKEA? And then I got in the mood of watching network news coverage to try to find a new chair. Let's see what Piers Morgan of CNN can offer me...
Meh. It's okay, but I really want a chair that can take the hard-hitting questions I have when I get home after a long day of work. Questions like "Why aren't the dishes clean" or "Whose cologne is that I smell on you?? Are you cheating on me??? Is someone ELSE sitting on your face????" How about it, MSNBC? Do you have anything available in THAT model?
AWESOME! I'll take 1. Just 1. I don't need 2 of them sitting around, talking behind my back when I'm not around...
But of course, where would be the fun in the RNC without The Daily Show?
(Also, Mr. Eastwood, I don't think it's Invisible Obama telling you to shut up. I think it's the RNC organizers backstage.)
| The Daily Show with Jon Stewart | Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c | |||
| RNC 2012 - The Road to Jeb Bush 2016 - A Fistful of Awesome | ||||
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| The Daily Show with Jon Stewart | Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c | |||
| RNC 2012 - The Road to Jeb Bush 2016 - Republican Time Travel | ||||
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| The Daily Show with Jon Stewart | Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c | |||
| RNC 2012 - The Road to Jeb Bush 2016 - Invisible Obama | ||||
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