And honestly, I'm a little surprised by how few people know/care about George Romero. No, he's not as well known as Jerry Bruckheimer or Steven Spielberg or George Lucas or Rob Zombie (it STILL seems weird to watch a horror movie directed by a rock star), but he's one of the fathers of cinema...and he's largely responsible for a movie genre that's gone from generally underappreciated to pretty mainstream. He's also probably responsible for many of your nightmares.
I'm talking about zombies. Y'know...the walking dead, the brain eaters, the people who watch the View and agree with Elisabeth Hissyfit. George Romero started it all in glorious black & white with the original "Night of the Living Dead." Since then, he's directed a few sequels. He's also been involved in the "Creepshow" movies and the "Tales from the Darkside" TV series. Guy's a legend. Anyway, so I met George Romero at an autograph signing Friday...and shelled out 15 bucks for his signature on a DVD (urgh). I think I was most surprised as I watched him sign my DVD. I watched his hand shake as he signed "Blaine, stay scared. George Romero." And I was left thinking that there's a better than average chance that I will outlast the man. But his iconic work will live on in his fans and in the annals of film. Thanks, Mr. Romero, for keeping me awake at night.
Speaking of legends who want my money, MC Hammer has signed a deal for a new REALITY SERIES on A&E! Holy crap! First, he's sending away everything he has in gold for quick cash...now he's dating three nude models in their early twenties, who will stay at his mansion and help him publish future issues of Playb...wait, sorry, wrong guy. That's someone ELSE who's past his prime. Well, at least the "gold for cash" bit was right. Anyway, watch for "Brotherhood of the Traveling Parachute Pants" on A&E, coming soon.
Speaking of the high price of fame, a vicious attack took place last week in Connecticut. A woman went to visit her friend and a CHIMPANZEE started attacking her! It feels like an awkward episode of "The Electric Company"..."HEEEEEYYYYYY YYYYOOOOOUUUU GGUUUUUUUYYY...OH GOD! GET HIM OFF ME! I'M WEARING A YELLOW DRESS AND HE'S TRYING TO UNPEEL ME!!!"
So this 70-year-old woman owns the chimp and he's starred in commercials...and as Elisabeth Hissyfit's replacement on The View. (Amazingly, no one noticed) So the chimp got out of the house, and the woman called her 55-year-old friend, Charla Nash, to help corral him. She got over to the house and the chimp went bananas...er, went ape-shi...lost his mind and started clawing at Nash and biting her face. After several minutes, the chimp's owner FINALLY decided to stab the chimp with a butcher knife and hit it with a shovel to stop the attack. Nash had life-threatening injuries.
The chimp's owner answered criticism later from the media about why she would keep a 200-lb. chimp as a pet. She responded with "Some parents have junkie kids, and they still care about them!" Okay, 1. They're human children, not animals you dress up like children (which should AUTOMATICALLY qualify you for a mental facility...or The View). 2. Let's see..."junkie" implies they're on illegal drugs. But YOU fed your chimpanzee unprescribed XANAX the morning of the attack, a drug that has not been tested on chimpanzees (at least, not that the makers will officially confirm). YOU drugged a monkey that attacked YOUR friend. YOU are an irresponsible pet-owner. YOU are the problem.
So, I fully expect to find the next edition of the Clue board game in stores soon, with additional characters and weapons. "I deduce that Ms. Hissyfit killed Mr. Boddy in the View studio while brandishing a chimpanzee."
(This blog has been sponsored by Whoopi Goldberg, Joy Behar, Sherri Shepard and Barbara Walters.)
-B-
Sunday, February 22, 2009
Saturday, February 14, 2009
I Love Crazies!
Ah, it's Valentine's Day. Let's see what I got in the ol' inbox-mailbag...
...mmm, yes, I think at some point I SHOULD cleanse my colon, but today will not be that day...
...oh, that's nice, some girl named Samson sent me an e-card telling me how much she misses her "love." What? Samson is a BOY'S name? Impossible. I don't know any boys named Samson. Come to think of it, I don't know any GIRLS named Samson either. And why is my computer getting all fuzzzzzzzzz *click*...
...well, now that I got that all cleaned up. Surely I'm not the ONLY person who will receive a virus for Valentine's Day. I think that's why it's referred to as V-Day...
...obligatory "make your penis longer" email. Look, I don't know what you've been told, but...
HOLY CRAP, IT'S MID-FEBRUARY ALREADY!!! You know what THAT means, right??? It's getting close to the annual "Thinking Hard's Hottest Mess March Madness Tournament"! I know what you're thinking: 1. "Um, sorry, what?" (if you missed out on last year's tournament, pop in the March archive. It was exciting); 2. "Blaine, I can't wait to find out who's competing in this year's tournament!"
I agree, this year's tournament will be exciting...and not just because there will be NEW names in the tournament. It's expanding! More entrants! More games! It's going to be larger than before! And speaking of larger than before, it's my privilege to introduce our first entrant in this year's Hottest Mess Tournament...Nadya Suleman!
YES! The woman who JUST finished giving birth to eight children...and giving interviews to eight media outlets...WILL compete in this year's tournament! That is, if she makes it there. Apparently, Suleman has been subjected to death threats lately. Now, is that ANY way to treat a woman who just "naturally" gave birth to eight children...on top of the six she already had? Maybe she can afford to hire a babysitt...wait, no, she's on welfare, so maybe YOU can afford to hire her a babysitter. Perhaps she can ask her husb...oh, single mom, huh? Well, that's a shocker. Who wouldn't jump at the chance to marry an interesting woman who says on the first date: "You know, I like to think of children as potato chips...you can't have just one...bag."
Suleman says she wanted many children because she grew up an only child and was lonely. So she decided that starting a small continent would make up for the emptiness. Seriously, if you moved your family to Australia, the dingoes would be drooling...right before your babies ate the dingoes.
Oh, there's also a website that's been set up to take financial and diaperial donations for Suleman. I'm sorry, but you're on welfare, you live with your parents, you already have six kids and signed up for another litter...and you want me to give you something out of SYMPATHY??? Yes, I have sympathy...for your children...so I will give you something: a TUBAL LIGATION! Get your tubes tied, woman! Your "friend" who kindly donated that sperm to you should have said "This Just Really Should Not Get Into You." In plain english, STOP HAVING BABIES! In plain german, STOPPEN GO POPPENIN SPERMIN UND POPPENOUT DER PEEIN-UND-POOPINS OOT DER VAGINADERCONVEYOR!
Suleman's also had some facial work done that makes her look a little like Angelina Jolie. We're trying to nail down a commitment from Jolie in this year's tournament, but as yet, she's been busy shooting "Wanted 2: Is Anyone Really Watching These Movies?" We'll keep you updated here at Thinking Hard.
Well, at least we know Suleman got pregnant "au natural"...kinda like Alex Rodriguez's muscles. That's right, A-Roid admitted this week he used banned performance-enhancing drugs for three years starting in 2001. The guy is the 12th all-time home run hitter (home run hitter who 'roided up? Who doesMcGwirethat soundBondslike?). He's also been rumored in a dalliance with Madonna, so this guy's already tested positive for poor judgment...and maybe a progressive case of blindness and deafness. But all is not lost. The University of Miami unveiled Alex Rodriguez Park and had A-Roid as a guest of honor Friday night. Centerpieces on the table included miniature baseball bats, tiny toy baseballs and unshelled peanuts. Because if anything screams "This guy has taken steroids", it's small sticks, small balls and wrinkly nuts.
Speaking of wrinkly nuts, the US Senate approved President Obama's stimulus package late last night. Voting started on the $787B plan around 5:30pm, but lasted until several hours later as senators awaited Sen. Sherrod Brown, D-OH, who was attending his mother's wake. YOU PAID to fly the guy back on a plane commissioned by the WHITE HOUSE just to cast the vote that passed the stimulus package (take a note, CEOs of automakers and banks...there IS a double-standard. Congressmen who do their job get to fly private planes...executives who screw consumers out of hard-earned money have to walk). House republicans complained that there wasn't enough time to read the 1,100 pages of the plan before the vote Friday. But come on, let's be serious...most of you don't subscribe to the internet, and I'd like to see SOMETHING done about the economy before we see flying Jetson cars (which, coincidentally, automaker execs also can NOT take to the next congressional hearing).
Finally, it IS Valentine's Day and love is in the air...for some people. But there's an attraction in London that allows jilted women to get a hex put on their exes. Here in North Carolina, there's a similar idea in place for jilted men to get revenge...they let ME date their exes.
Happy V-Day!
-B-
...mmm, yes, I think at some point I SHOULD cleanse my colon, but today will not be that day...
...oh, that's nice, some girl named Samson sent me an e-card telling me how much she misses her "love." What? Samson is a BOY'S name? Impossible. I don't know any boys named Samson. Come to think of it, I don't know any GIRLS named Samson either. And why is my computer getting all fuzzzzzzzzz *click*...
...well, now that I got that all cleaned up. Surely I'm not the ONLY person who will receive a virus for Valentine's Day. I think that's why it's referred to as V-Day...
...obligatory "make your penis longer" email. Look, I don't know what you've been told, but...
HOLY CRAP, IT'S MID-FEBRUARY ALREADY!!! You know what THAT means, right??? It's getting close to the annual "Thinking Hard's Hottest Mess March Madness Tournament"! I know what you're thinking: 1. "Um, sorry, what?" (if you missed out on last year's tournament, pop in the March archive. It was exciting); 2. "Blaine, I can't wait to find out who's competing in this year's tournament!"
I agree, this year's tournament will be exciting...and not just because there will be NEW names in the tournament. It's expanding! More entrants! More games! It's going to be larger than before! And speaking of larger than before, it's my privilege to introduce our first entrant in this year's Hottest Mess Tournament...Nadya Suleman!
YES! The woman who JUST finished giving birth to eight children...and giving interviews to eight media outlets...WILL compete in this year's tournament! That is, if she makes it there. Apparently, Suleman has been subjected to death threats lately. Now, is that ANY way to treat a woman who just "naturally" gave birth to eight children...on top of the six she already had? Maybe she can afford to hire a babysitt...wait, no, she's on welfare, so maybe YOU can afford to hire her a babysitter. Perhaps she can ask her husb...oh, single mom, huh? Well, that's a shocker. Who wouldn't jump at the chance to marry an interesting woman who says on the first date: "You know, I like to think of children as potato chips...you can't have just one...bag."
Suleman says she wanted many children because she grew up an only child and was lonely. So she decided that starting a small continent would make up for the emptiness. Seriously, if you moved your family to Australia, the dingoes would be drooling...right before your babies ate the dingoes.
Oh, there's also a website that's been set up to take financial and diaperial donations for Suleman. I'm sorry, but you're on welfare, you live with your parents, you already have six kids and signed up for another litter...and you want me to give you something out of SYMPATHY??? Yes, I have sympathy...for your children...so I will give you something: a TUBAL LIGATION! Get your tubes tied, woman! Your "friend" who kindly donated that sperm to you should have said "This Just Really Should Not Get Into You." In plain english, STOP HAVING BABIES! In plain german, STOPPEN GO POPPENIN SPERMIN UND POPPENOUT DER PEEIN-UND-POOPINS OOT DER VAGINADERCONVEYOR!
Suleman's also had some facial work done that makes her look a little like Angelina Jolie. We're trying to nail down a commitment from Jolie in this year's tournament, but as yet, she's been busy shooting "Wanted 2: Is Anyone Really Watching These Movies?" We'll keep you updated here at Thinking Hard.
Well, at least we know Suleman got pregnant "au natural"...kinda like Alex Rodriguez's muscles. That's right, A-Roid admitted this week he used banned performance-enhancing drugs for three years starting in 2001. The guy is the 12th all-time home run hitter (home run hitter who 'roided up? Who doesMcGwirethat soundBondslike?). He's also been rumored in a dalliance with Madonna, so this guy's already tested positive for poor judgment...and maybe a progressive case of blindness and deafness. But all is not lost. The University of Miami unveiled Alex Rodriguez Park and had A-Roid as a guest of honor Friday night. Centerpieces on the table included miniature baseball bats, tiny toy baseballs and unshelled peanuts. Because if anything screams "This guy has taken steroids", it's small sticks, small balls and wrinkly nuts.
Speaking of wrinkly nuts, the US Senate approved President Obama's stimulus package late last night. Voting started on the $787B plan around 5:30pm, but lasted until several hours later as senators awaited Sen. Sherrod Brown, D-OH, who was attending his mother's wake. YOU PAID to fly the guy back on a plane commissioned by the WHITE HOUSE just to cast the vote that passed the stimulus package (take a note, CEOs of automakers and banks...there IS a double-standard. Congressmen who do their job get to fly private planes...executives who screw consumers out of hard-earned money have to walk). House republicans complained that there wasn't enough time to read the 1,100 pages of the plan before the vote Friday. But come on, let's be serious...most of you don't subscribe to the internet, and I'd like to see SOMETHING done about the economy before we see flying Jetson cars (which, coincidentally, automaker execs also can NOT take to the next congressional hearing).
Finally, it IS Valentine's Day and love is in the air...for some people. But there's an attraction in London that allows jilted women to get a hex put on their exes. Here in North Carolina, there's a similar idea in place for jilted men to get revenge...they let ME date their exes.
Happy V-Day!
-B-
Friday, February 6, 2009
Super Happy Chick Fight Video Fun Time!
(You'll have to pardon the title...I had Chinese for lunch)
Oh, Friday, how I have longed for you. Only you could grant me the full time to unleash my mental prowess upon the "interwebs." Thank you, glorious Friday.
Check it! Welcome back to Thinking Hard. Oh, what a week it has been. We'll get to the chick fighting in a sec, but first, I want to start with a hot Hollywood actor...who whines like a little girl when someone interrupts his scene. Yes, if you haven't heard it by now, the audio tapes have been released of "The Dark Knight" himself, Christian Bale, unleashing an endless stream of obscenities while shooting...wait, is this right?...I'm getting word he was shooting ANOTHER DAMN TERMINATOR MOVIE! (Didn't he read last week's blog???) So, he was shooting a star-studded scene with Bryce Dallas Howard (you remember her...she's Ron Howard's daughter whose only recent claim to fame is M. Night Shamalamadingdong's "Lady in the Water"...poor thing) in New Mexico last summer. A cinematographer misstepped into the scene he was shooting with Howard and he went OFF on the poor bastard. Here's a 4-minute clip: (this is NOT safe for work)
A few days later, Bale would be arrested for physically assaulting his mother and sister. I bet he's great at parties. But in Bale's defense, he's Bat-shit Crazy. Actually, the funnier version of this popped up on a BBC morning show: (also, NOT safe for work)
(Don't you just love Super Happy Chick Fight Video Fun Time day???)
Actually, this makes me think of the Super Bowl. Nope, not referring to Bruce Springsteen crotching himself on an HD camera during halftime (though, I'm sure of all the people and things he saw during halftime, the camera was the LAST thing he expected on his crotch). What? You missed it??? Well, here's another look:
(That clip got replayed TWICE on the DVR at the Super Bowl party I went to) No, I'm talking about the Arizona Cardinals fans in Tucson. See, they were watching the game on Comcast and (if you missed the game) the action really picked up in the last few minutes. Exciting finish. Anyway, while they're watching these sweaty guys playing football...Comcast cuts away for a few seconds of accidental PORN! Would've been nice...had the film not been featuring a NAKED MAN at the time. That is NOT the kind of ball handling you want to see at the Super Bowl.
Moving on, let's talk about CHICKS, MAN! So, did you see inauguration night for President Barack Obama? Lots of celebrities, lots of dancing, and a special performance by Beyonce of Etta James' famous song "At Last" while the first couple danced. It was a beautiful moment. So, Etta "I'm not really that crazy, I'm just really old...okay, so I'm also really crazy, but at least I wasn't wearing Aretha Franklin's hat" James came out this week and said she was upset that Beyonce sang HER SONG at the inauguration. She even went as far as to say Beyonce "was gonna get her ass whipped" and that Obama "wasn't MY president." Well, this morning, James told the media she was "just kidding" Beyonce and Obama. And that's been our new segment, "Wow, my sense of humor is going to SUCK when I'm old."
MORE CHICKS, MAN! Ashley Judd (you remember her, right? She was the only ATTRACTIVE Judd with a promising movie career. No, she's not dead...just her career) is in a new video for the animal rights group Defenders of Wildlife. She's preaching the ills of killing wolves and bears in Alaska from airplanes. And GUESS WHO SHE'S TARGETTING! That's right...she calls out former VP candidate/media darling/soundbite queen/MENSA candidate Sarah Palin. Palin found the time to look up from reading all of her magazines to respond. She says the anti-wolf/bear/any furry creature-overpopulation program is scientifically based (it says so in this magazine right...shoot, now where did that thing go?...well, I read it in all of them) and is important to keep up the moose and caribou populations...FOR HUNTERS. I presume they're the poor hunters who can't afford to do their shootin' from a fancy ol' plane. "HOO-WEE! You got TWO wings on that thing??? Do the Russians know about this?"
Okay, enough fighting. I have to show you this clip from Conan O'Brien this week. The artist's name is Theresa Andersson. The things at her feet are recording her words and looping them as playback. What she does here is just amazing by the time she gets to the end. This IS safe for work and one of the most impressive pieces of music I've ever seen performed:
Remember, kids, just say yes to drugs. This public service announcement brought to you by Michael Phelps..."Michael Phelps, soon to be living in a van down by a river near you."
-B
Oh, Friday, how I have longed for you. Only you could grant me the full time to unleash my mental prowess upon the "interwebs." Thank you, glorious Friday.
Check it! Welcome back to Thinking Hard. Oh, what a week it has been. We'll get to the chick fighting in a sec, but first, I want to start with a hot Hollywood actor...who whines like a little girl when someone interrupts his scene. Yes, if you haven't heard it by now, the audio tapes have been released of "The Dark Knight" himself, Christian Bale, unleashing an endless stream of obscenities while shooting...wait, is this right?...I'm getting word he was shooting ANOTHER DAMN TERMINATOR MOVIE! (Didn't he read last week's blog???) So, he was shooting a star-studded scene with Bryce Dallas Howard (you remember her...she's Ron Howard's daughter whose only recent claim to fame is M. Night Shamalamadingdong's "Lady in the Water"...poor thing) in New Mexico last summer. A cinematographer misstepped into the scene he was shooting with Howard and he went OFF on the poor bastard. Here's a 4-minute clip: (this is NOT safe for work)
A few days later, Bale would be arrested for physically assaulting his mother and sister. I bet he's great at parties. But in Bale's defense, he's Bat-shit Crazy. Actually, the funnier version of this popped up on a BBC morning show: (also, NOT safe for work)
(Don't you just love Super Happy Chick Fight Video Fun Time day???)
Actually, this makes me think of the Super Bowl. Nope, not referring to Bruce Springsteen crotching himself on an HD camera during halftime (though, I'm sure of all the people and things he saw during halftime, the camera was the LAST thing he expected on his crotch). What? You missed it??? Well, here's another look:
(That clip got replayed TWICE on the DVR at the Super Bowl party I went to) No, I'm talking about the Arizona Cardinals fans in Tucson. See, they were watching the game on Comcast and (if you missed the game) the action really picked up in the last few minutes. Exciting finish. Anyway, while they're watching these sweaty guys playing football...Comcast cuts away for a few seconds of accidental PORN! Would've been nice...had the film not been featuring a NAKED MAN at the time. That is NOT the kind of ball handling you want to see at the Super Bowl.
Moving on, let's talk about CHICKS, MAN! So, did you see inauguration night for President Barack Obama? Lots of celebrities, lots of dancing, and a special performance by Beyonce of Etta James' famous song "At Last" while the first couple danced. It was a beautiful moment. So, Etta "I'm not really that crazy, I'm just really old...okay, so I'm also really crazy, but at least I wasn't wearing Aretha Franklin's hat" James came out this week and said she was upset that Beyonce sang HER SONG at the inauguration. She even went as far as to say Beyonce "was gonna get her ass whipped" and that Obama "wasn't MY president." Well, this morning, James told the media she was "just kidding" Beyonce and Obama. And that's been our new segment, "Wow, my sense of humor is going to SUCK when I'm old."
MORE CHICKS, MAN! Ashley Judd (you remember her, right? She was the only ATTRACTIVE Judd with a promising movie career. No, she's not dead...just her career) is in a new video for the animal rights group Defenders of Wildlife. She's preaching the ills of killing wolves and bears in Alaska from airplanes. And GUESS WHO SHE'S TARGETTING! That's right...she calls out former VP candidate/media darling/soundbite queen/MENSA candidate Sarah Palin. Palin found the time to look up from reading all of her magazines to respond. She says the anti-wolf/bear/any furry creature-overpopulation program is scientifically based (it says so in this magazine right...shoot, now where did that thing go?...well, I read it in all of them) and is important to keep up the moose and caribou populations...FOR HUNTERS. I presume they're the poor hunters who can't afford to do their shootin' from a fancy ol' plane. "HOO-WEE! You got TWO wings on that thing??? Do the Russians know about this?"
Okay, enough fighting. I have to show you this clip from Conan O'Brien this week. The artist's name is Theresa Andersson. The things at her feet are recording her words and looping them as playback. What she does here is just amazing by the time she gets to the end. This IS safe for work and one of the most impressive pieces of music I've ever seen performed:
Remember, kids, just say yes to drugs. This public service announcement brought to you by Michael Phelps..."Michael Phelps, soon to be living in a van down by a river near you."
-B
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