Take A Letter, Maria

Before we begin this installment of Thinking Hard, I need to hit on two things that happened this week in the span of about 8 hours. Farrah Fawcett and Michael Jackson are dead. Farrah Fawcett died Thursday morning, Jackson followed up in the afternoon. I slept through both of these things and only found them out when I woke up at 9:30 Thursday night to two text messages. It seems like all the landmark stuff happens when I'm asleep. Anyway, whether you like them or hate them, Fawcett and Jackson did a lot in their respective forms of entertainment and will be remembered for a long time.

Another thing that happened this week while I was asleep...South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford announced he had been having an extramarital affair with a woman in Argentina named Maria. He disappeared for about 5 days last weekend (FATHER'S DAY weekend, no less...he has four sons)...and it turns out he was down in Argentina. No one knew where he was. It's the equivalent of a babysitter in charge of about 4-million children (or Nadya Suleman's house, essentially) and just leaving to go to a movie with her boyfriend, leaving the kids to fend for themselves. But I don't do NEAR as good enough job reporting this story as The Daily Show does. Here, now, is Jon Stewart:

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
Governor Mark Sanford Is Missing
thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor Jason Jones in Iran

Though, to be honest, South Carolina's essentially a rudderless ship WITH Sanford in charge...and if NY Governor Patterson wandered off, you can guarantee he would STILL avoid NEW JERSEY. Also, if you think the picture of Sanford naked is upsetting, consider this: he's as popular naked in South America as David Hasselhoff's "music" in Europe. Wyatt Cenac had more in a "live" report from the backwoods of the Appalachian Trail:

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
Fled Sanford
thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor Jason Jones in Iran

Why stop here?

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
Governor Mark Sanford's Affair
thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor Jason Jones in Iran

Now, to be fair, at least it was a Republican being caught with a WOMAN instead of a MAN. Yes, for Republicans, gay MARRIAGE is wrong, but gay AFFAIRS are so, so right. I suppose if Sanford was with a man, he would have ended up in ANUS AIRES, Argentina. Fox News even "mistakenly" named Sanford a Democrat briefly, as intern Kelsay was so kind to point out in this screen grab:



"Fair and Balanced"? More like "Listing More To The Right Than The Leaning Tower Of Pisa."

Jon Stewart also touched briefly on the "Jon & Kate Plus 8" issue. This week, the show announced the "Ozzie & Harriet"-like couple are getting a divorce. Really, who knew something was wrong in that marriage? They seemed like the perfect couple...with 8 children...and a wife that won't stop bitching at her husband...and a husband that seemed ready to kill himself every time his wife took in a breath of air to speak to him. Where's the love? At least we know where their priorities lie. Kate told reporters: "How does the show go on? The show MUST go on!" This from the woman who just a few weeks ago bashed the paparazzi, saying she didn't realize she was signing up for public scrutiny when she signed her nine children...er, husband and eight children...to a REALITY SHOW CONTRACT. Thaaaat's right, Heidi and Spencer are busting their asses trying to get attention, but Jon and Kate can do it by blinking. Maybe Heidi and Spencer should try working on a reality show. Y'know, without scripts.

Doctors in New York City performed a scan this week on a mummy thought for centuries to be a woman...turns out, the mummy's a MAN! And in an unrelated story, Perez Hilton got punched in the face...

Yes, fellow blogger Perez Hilton, who gained recent fame for his tirades against the "pro-opposite marriage, former Miss California" Carrie Prejean, got into a confrontation with the manager of the popular music group, Black Eyed Peas. A lawsuit filed by Hilton says he and the manager were at a nightclub in Toronto, Canada, early Monday morning when the manager came over and had a beef with how critical Hilton has been of the new Black Eyed Peas album. In a bizarre case of "the pot calling the kettle Black (Eyed Peas)," HILTON called Peas performer will.i.am a gay slur (I won't use it here because we try to avoid hate speech here at Thinking Hard...it adds nothing to the humor). So the manager hauled off and "Boom-Boom-Pow'ed" Hilton, punching him right in the eye. I can kinda see where both sides are right. The Peas are upset because they produced what they thought was a good album and didn't like Hilton bashing it. Hilton is upset because he feels he has the freedom of speech...that, and he's used to being punched in the BACK of the head.

-B-

A Tribute To Dads

Welcome, everyone, to this special Father's Day edition of Thinking Hard. It's a day to salute the people who, in the span of about five minutes, contributed to your existence, then put up with morning sickness, hormonal overload and screaming from your MOTHER for the next nine months. Or, as I like to think of this day, "Ah, if only I could have that five minutes back."

So, big daddy John McCain (y'know, the guy with the "Pro-Sex, Pro-Gay Marriage" daughter Meghan...oh, and I'm being told he also ran for president last year. Huh, who knew?) is spending his father's day learning about new technology. The senator posted a "tweet" on his Twitter feed this week that he just bought a new car. It's a 2010 Ford Focus HYBRID. He was apparently impressed by the 41 miles per gallon it gets on the highway and 36 miles per gallon it gets in the city. I'm not quite sure which part of this story bothers me more...the fact that he uses Twitter, or that he probably thought a "hybrid" was a stagecoach with the legs of a horse. He's old.

Speaking of older presidential candidates, remember that John Kerry guy from 2004? He's apparently starting another career, one that I'm SURE will be as successful as his career as "Guy Who Couldn't Beat The Village Idiot." Let's see here, it looks like he's going to be a...what??? A MOVIE PRODUCER??? He's asking lawmakers for $300k to produce a documentary about injured Iraw war veterans. Maybe he's hoping for lightning to strike twice, as the film's director is the guy who directed "Pumping Iron" about bodybuilder Arnold Schwarzenegger, who went on to have a high government position: "Maria Shriver's husband." Wow, Kerry's really stepping out on a limb for this one. If it's successful, he could always produce another film, or even STAR in the next outing. I'm thinking "Seabiscuit 2" or "How To Lose An Election In Ten Months."

If you're looking for something to do with dad on Father's Day, how about a trip to Broadway for a...WILL FERRELL COMEDY??? Yes, that's right. "Elf" is being written as a Broadway musical. It can now join the laundry list of "successful" movies that became musicals: "Shrek," "The Producers," "Legally Blonde," "Evil Dead," and the ever-popular "I'm Through With Trying To Come Up With Something Original...What's On TBS Right Now?" Seems like EVERYONE wants to write that one.

As long as we're talking about "What The Fuck?" moments, how about this one: the girl who went on "The Bachelor," won, then lost (on national TV), then went on to "Dancing With The Stars" only to lose AGAIN...is going to be a "special correspondent" for Good Morning America. What...The...Fuck? That's right, Melissa Rycroft, whose only claim to being a "Star" to dance with was getting the "It's not you, it's me" speech on NATIONAL TV...is going to use her appallingly-long fifteen minutes of fame to do 8 stories for Good Morning America this summer, according to an inside ABC source. She'll be travelling and doing fun stories for the show, all leading up to the final story: "Who I Fucked To Get Here."

Speaking of failed reality stars, how about this...Monday night, "Jon and Kate plus 8" will show a special announcement from Jon and/or Kate and/or the 8. Hmmm, I wonder what it could be. Possibly a "We're getting a divorce" bombshell...that everyone expects. What about a "We're selling the children to Angelina Jolie" statement? That would be fun. How about a "Jon's having an affair with Nadya Suleman" announcement? Um...ew. Let me bottom-line this for you: short of turning to cannibalism, there is NO ANNOUNCEMENT that show can make to make me want to watch it. It's bad enough when I know people in real-life that have marriage problems, I don't need to add these idiots to the list, especially with their 8 children. Oh, and I'm sure it was all Jon's idea. "Gee, honey, having 8 children sounds like a great idea! What, and you'd also like my testicles put in a glass case on your armoire? Here you go!" Seriously, if a marriage makes it more than ten years nowadays, it's a miracle.

Oh, and get this...Brian Williams did a live report from the NBC newsroom the other night with producers, writers, etc. working diligently behind him. Except some of those people AREN'T the hardworking staff! A source with NBC spoke to the New York Post (and I don't normally credit the Post, but this story's pretty funny). That source said some of the less attractive and heavier staff members were asked to MOVE and allow younger, thinner members of the staff to act as extras, including two interns who NORMALLY RUN ERRANDS. That's not to say running errands can't be hard work, but how about the people that wrote Williams' material actually be allowed to sit behind the man. Seriously! I know we have to gloss up the evening news a bit, but come ON! Apparently NBC now stands for "No Big Chicks." How about "'Nother Batch-a Cookies"?

If he should ever read this, I hope my dad knows how much I love him. I also hope he realizes that senses of humor can be genetic...and to watch what he says to mom.

-B-

Thinking Hard Hits One-Hundred...And One!

Wow, I can't believe I let this blow by me last week...the last post marked the 100th post for those of us here at "Thinking Hard." Let me just take a moment to thank all (twelve) of you who have been following the show since its inception and for those of you who think it's entertaining enough to recommend to others. This is truly some of the most fun I've had writing, and I can't wait until we hit #200!

That said, I have something special set up for this, the 101st show. I got this idea from this week's 13th Annual Webby Awards in New York. The winners had to limit their acceptance speeches to JUST FIVE WORDS! I love that! "Family Guy" creator Seth McFarlane got an award for his web series (currently out on DVD...you MUST see it) "Cavalcade of Cartoon Comedy." His speech: "What is this for again?" Arianna Huffington won best political blog for her "Huffington Post" (not nearly as funny as "Thinking Hard") and gave this acceptance speech: "I didn't kill newspapers, OK?" And Jimmy Fallon, whose takeover of "Late Night" seems to be going better than his predecessor's takeover of "The Tonight Show," had this to say about his award honoring his use of the internet to create hype about his show: "Thank God Conan got promoted." So, we're going to start the first-ever Whenever We Feel Like It Thinking Hard Awards...also known as the Hardy. (I was going to go with "Thinky," but that implies I put a lot of thought behind this...I didn't)

The "Humor Is Wasted On The Stupid" Hardy goes to Sarah and Todd Palin. Sarah's apparently still fired up about her loss during the Hottest Mess tournament back in March. David Letterman spoke about the Palin family's trip to New York earlier this week. In a joke CLEARLY meant for 18-year-old unwed mother and abstinence/condom/fuckinglikerabbits advocate Bristol Palin, Letterman said the Palins went to a Yankees baseball game and "during the seventh inning, (Sarah Palin's) daughter was knocked up by (Yankee third baseman) Alex Rodriguez." Hilarious to the crowd...and for anyone else who's not in the GOP...but not for the Palins. See, it wasn't 18-year-old Bristol who was at the game, but rather 14-year-old Willow Palin (you ever get the sense the Palins just went to an internet search engine and hit "Surprise Me" to find these names for their children?). The Palins are upset that Letterman would suggest underage sex (also known as statutory rape) is funny. Letterman went on the show Wednesday night and apologized for any misunderstanding, that he would NEVER joke about raping a child, that he has NEVER made such a joke and would NEVER make such a joke. He even invited the Palins on his show to iron everything out, but they're holding a grudge. Todd Palin was most upset about the insinuation that ALL the women in his family are a little..um..."loose." He gave us this Hardy acceptance speech: "Two whores are bad enough."

A runner-up for the "Humor Is Wasted On The Stupid" Hardy is Gretchen Carlson of Fox "News." But she DID earn the "I Had More Credibility As A REPORTER On CBS News Than I Do As An ANCHOR On Fox News" Hardy. Here now is special presenter...Jon Stewart:

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
Fox & Friends' Lingerie Football Romp
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Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor Newt Gingrich Unedited Interview

The entire "Fox & Friends" gave this acceptance speech: "We're not homophobes, just morons."

The "See You Next Week On Fox & Friends" Hardy goes to Carrie Prejean. The now FORMER Miss California is out of a job. The executive director of the pageant fired Prejean this week because she failed to make several scheduled appearances (wow, I'm lucky I can't be fired from college...WHAT? I OVERSLEPT!). This, after the big hubbub at the Miss USA pageant when openly gay blogger Perez Hilton asked Prejean where she stood on the gay marriage issue, and Prejean said she didn't agree with it and she preferred "opposite marriage" over "same-sex marriage." That pissed Hilton off and he led an online charge against Prejean. Then the slutt...er, CLASSY photos of Prejean surfaced on the internet that were taken before the Miss California pageant. Prejean shows a little "Nip/Untucked" and signed a contract with the pageant saying she had done no nude modeling. But Donald Trump (owner of EVERYTHING, including the pageant) said Prejean could stay on as Miss California. But the executive director noted Prejean had been skipping scheduled appearances to speak out against gay marriage at unsanctioned events. So Trump canned her this week. Prejean claimed in her Hardy acceptance speech that's NOT why she missed her appearances: "I was panty-raiding Perez."

For those of you who don't know, the digital television transition happened Friday. Stations across the U.S. dropped their analog signals in favor of digital signals. The "Huh? HUH? HUH???" Hardy goes to the hard-hearing elderly, MOST impacted negatively by the switchover. See, the elderly had to call upon their sons and grandsons to help explain why they need a new antenna to pull in digital signals, then convert them to analog so these old people who do almost nothing but watch TV all day can CONTINUE to watch TV all day. I'm sure I will be answering phone calls in the newsroom for WEEKS from people who can't see anything on their TVs because they don't have the new antenna. Here's Martha Washington, 89, of Hooskow, Washington, to accept on behalf of elderly people nationwide: "Who killed Matlock?...I'm old."

That provides a great "transition" to our next award: the "Old People Do The Damnedest Things" Hardy. An Israeli woman this week admitted she'd been keeping her money safe from identity thieves and bank fallouts for years...by stuffing it in a mattress. Over the years, she'd accumulated almost a MILLION DOLLARS! But when her daughter bought her a brand-new mattress, THEY THREW OUT THE OLD ONE. You know, THE ONE WITH ALMOST A MILLION DOLLARS INSIDE. I can see how that would happen...I'm always misplacing A MILLION DOLLARS. Crews have been diving through landfills for days, trying to find the million-dollar mattress. The woman used her acceptance speech to explain the plans she had for the money: "I'd planned a Bingo binge."

The "Missing The Big Picture" Hardy goes to a driver in North Carolina last weekend. And by "big picture," we mean "train":

Obviously the driver missed the bells, the whistle...and the BIG FUCKING TRAIN in front of him. The driver's acceptance speech: "What train?...Got any Doritos?"

The "Revenge Sucks" Hardy goes to Helen Immelt of Monroe, Washington. A neighbor complained that she had been keeping chickens at her home and it was against the homeowners association rules. So Immelt got up at 6am, parked her car in front of his house and leaned on her horn for TEN MINUTES STRAIGHT! He called the police and she left, but she came back and did it again 2 hours later. Miss Immelt, here's your award...please give us your speech: "I couldn't find flaming poo."

Finally, the "Some People Just DESERVE To Get Caught" Hardy. This prestigious award goes to a 37-year-old Pennsylvania man. Last Sunday night, police say the driver sped into a police station parking lot, pulled between two marked cruisers (in a spot that's reserved FOR police) and took a nap in his car (I believe they call that "passing out"). An officer who went to check on the guy found an empty vodka bottle and a marijuana pipe. Congratulations sir. We let you sober up so we could UNDERSTAND your acceptance speech. Please give that to us now...

"Lindsay Lohan thinks I'm perfect."

-B-

I Am GM Owner #134276890

As .0000001-part owner of General Motors, I'm calling a board meeting in my kitchen this Friday at 9am. Anyone not there forfeits their share of GM to me. I'll be making cookies.

Helluva week for the American economy. General Motors gets bought out by...well, US. Hulu.com announces it could start charging for its content soon (well, there goes Happy Fun Video Fridays), Virgin Records (and whatever the hell else that company owns) denied it's looking to buy Playboy (because if there's one thing I know for sure, you can NEVER find a virgin in Playboy)...and if all that weren't bad enough, NADYA SULEMAN IS SHOOTING A REALITY SHOW!

Yes, "Octomom Plus 8 Needs A Date, So Why Wait? She Smells Like Old Fishing Bait" is now in production. Just goes to show you where a Hottest Mess Tournament win will get you. Suleman's lawyer says it will be less intrusive than an ACTUAL reality show, because instead of following the mobile third-world nation around 24/7, cameras will only be there for big moments in the family's lives. I can't WAIT for the "Birds and the Bees" talk...or rather, the "Bunsen Beaker and the Turkey Baster." The Netherlands-based production company has NOT yet sold the show here in the U.S. because, quite frankly, it would put "Inside Edition," "The Insider," and "Thinking Hard" out of business. By the way, does it seem strange to anyone else that Suleman's getting so much press from "The Insider"...since no man wanted to be "Inside-her?"

I have to go slice some pepperoni for a pizza I'm making, but before I do that, a 25-year-old Egyptian guy told his parents he wanted to marry a woman of lower class (which is a cardinal sin in Egypt...but the Lohan household seems to be fine with it). They said no. So he CUT OFF HIS PENIS! What...the...fuck????? That's the coldest cut of all. His name must be "Nick." Let's hope he's not planning to be a doctor..."Hm, could I get someone to circumcise my son who's NOT THAT GUY???"

Let's wrap this biz-itch up with a note from last week's Electronic Entertainment Expo in California. "E3" to some, "Geek Week" to me, it's when the major video game companies come together to show off their new hardware and software and give some men the hope that they will come up with a brilliant high-tech idea...that will eventually get them out of their parents' basement. They'll still have to pay to get laid, but at least they can do it without hearing reruns of "M*A*S*H" upstairs (yes, Kelsay, that was for you). Anyway, Microsoft showed off this new hardware that's a voice-recognition system and a motion-capture camera. For those of you thinking at an 8th-grade level or below, I'll try not to be terse about this: sometimes, game companies develop games by having actors come into studios and put on spandex body suits with little computer chips at certain points on the suit (i.e., elbow, head, penis). Then the actors act out the moves in the game, and the computer records the motions to give programmers an easier time of designing the video game characters body movements. Anyway, Microsoft unveiled a new camera that sits on the TV set and allows people to interact with game characters. Believe me when I say this...you HAVE to check this video out:

Video Games - E3 2009 - Video Game Trailers

Ho....lee....shit. I think I just wet my penis. WOO-HOO! HAT TRICK! I GOT THE WORD "PENIS" IN THE BLOG THREE TIMES!...is that "M*A*S*H" on upstairs?
-B-