Why is there STILL crappy stuff on TV in the fall???

Yes, it's fall premiere season, and while I've been anxiously looking forward to shows like "Fringe," "My Own Worst Enemy" and "Paris Hilton's New BFF Search" (seriously, they'll put ANYTHING on TV nowadays), I'm STILL seeing my fair chunk of Crap TV.

Let's start with the presidential debate. :) Okay, to be fair, I bet there were a lot of people watching this last night because they wanted to see John McCain and Barack Obama go toe-to-toe in a no-holds-barred, electrified steel cage death match (see, that's what they get when they air the debate at the same time as Friday Night Smackdown). Everyone else tuned in because NOTHING ELSE WAS ON. Thank goodness for our local independent station, which aired Oprah while the debate was on. Don't judge.

In all seriousness, the debate was really good. Both guys got in their shots, sounded like they knew what they were talking about, nobody's last name was Bush... everything I look for in a presidential debate. Though, I have to say, I don't know who did McCain's facial reconstruction, but next time, can we get that doctor to wipe the smirk off his face? I'm not shitting around. Watch the debate and watch his face. Every time Obama's talking, McCain is smirking at Jim Lehrer. He's either a dick...or has an unfortunate facial malfunction.

Anyway, I wasn't really dying to see this debate. It's the VICE-presidential debate I want to see. Time for Sarah Palin to answer some tough questions on foreign policy. She HAS been meeting with foreign dignitaries over the past couple of weeks...but she's met them in the UNITED STATES. McCain's harping on Obama for not visiting the middle east...has he MET his running mate? Or has he just been staring at her ass this whole time? Regardless, it will be interesting, because I think many expect McCain to die in office and Palin would take over. So she HAS to start boning up on her Foreign Policy 101. (and on a side note, I like Obama. I want Obama in the White House. But I'm starting to see it not happening. I think America is still more racist than it is ageist or chauvanist. That's sad.)

Earlier this week (speaking of BONING IT), "magician" David Blaine "hung upside down for days in New York, then took a dive of death to the ground." I put every single part of that in quotes except his name (I probably should've done that too) because he did NOTHING of what was promised. Sure, he hung upside down, but kept getting pulled upright onto a crane to pee, eat, whatever. And his "dive of death" was him jumping off a 40-foot platform to the ground with a helium balloon and a couple of wires attached...then "floating" into the sky. Fans there had no idea what was going on...hell, even ABC's announcer went dead silent trying to figure out how to call it: "Well, folks, it looks like David Blaine fucked up another one. Join us again for his special next year 'When Will People Just Start Ignoring My Antics'...and the live crowd even booed Blaine. He showed up on Regis and Kelly trying to explain what he was trying to do and that the wind didn't cooperate with his helium balloon. He said ABC told him to cancel the stunt, but he didn't want to disappoint his (booing) fans. He also said he knew something went wrong when his closest friends called to say "Um, what was THAT?" After his botched "hold my breath for 7 minutes underwater" stunt, I hope ABC drops his sorry ass. Before you sign a multi-million dollar contract to perform a stunt, you better damn well make sure it WORKS.

Also in showbiz news this week, Clay Aiken is gay. Shocker. American Idol judge Simon Cowell wasn't surprised, adding "it's like being told Santa Claus isn't real." Clay said he finally wanted to come out to show his new son that it's not okay to lie. What he SHOULD have said was it's not okay to lie BADLY. C'mon, Clay, did you REALLY think you were fooling us? Like that one time your hair and makeup made you look like Ellen DeGeneres...who is ALSO GAY?? I would've loved to play hide-and-seek with him as a kid. I'm sure he'd hide...by standing out in the middle of an open meadow with a big neon sign above him that read "Don't Look Here!"

And finally, PETA (the People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) wants Ben & Jerry's (the ice cream guys) to start using women's breast milk in their ice cream instead of cow's milk. I would say that again...but I had to stifle my laughter AND my gag reflex the first time. Really, PETA? You think "Ben & Jerry's Spu-Mommy Ice Cream" would be a big seller? How about "Ben & Jerry's Chunky Pumpy"? "Peanut Butter 'D' Cup"? "Chocolate Nip"? Good job, PETA. You thought you came up with the BREAST idea ever...but you just came out looking like a bunch of boobs. At least that's SOMETHING you have in common with David Blaine.
-B-

Happy BR-Day to Me!

If you don't get the joke, BR stands for national ice cream chain Baskin Robbins, known for its 31 flavors of "slap your momma" goodness...and today's my 31st birthday. So it's my BR-day. (Hey, I can make dumb jokes...it's my birthday)

To celebrate, I'm adding a couple more friends to the show, but you'll have to wait until the end of this blog to read it. Or you can just skip ahead if you're like those people who pick up a mystery and skip right to the last page to figure out whodunnit. It's called "cheating." Can't you just be patient? I'll be done soon!

For those of you who stuck around, thanks. Let's start with a story out of the Republican National Convention this year in Minneapolis, MN. One of the visitors/delegates/lemmings (I REALLY think the new republican mascot should be a lemming...or a sheep) enjoyed listening to VP candidate Sarah Palin's acceptance speech, looked at his (I shit you not) $30,000 watch and decided it was time to head back to the hotel. Gabriel Schwartz, who's also an attorney in Denver, stopped at the hotel bar and started chatting up this pretty girl. He says they decided to go up to his room. She mixed up a couple of drinks, he made himself more comfortable, had a drink....and passed out. Yup, she drugged him and stole his $30k watch, along with other jewelry and cash for a total of (Schwartz claims) $50k. Okay, first, you're an ATTORNEY...I'm gonna bet this is NOT the first time you've ever heard of this happening. Second, check out what Schwartz told the media afterward: "As a single man, I was flattered by the attention of a beautiful woman who introduced herself to me. I used poor judgment. If there is any good that can come from this humiliation, it is to caution others that date rape happens to men, too." Really, Gabe? I wasn't there, but I can ALMOST guarantee you that what happened to you was not even remotely CLOSE to a "rape." In fact, I'm sure the lovely and talented crook you wanted to bone until the cows came home didn't even TOUCH your body except to remove your pretentious, overpriced Rolex and to pull your wallet out of your pants. I'm fairly certain she left that condom that was inside the wallet behind. You got robbed. I feel bad for you, because I think all average-to-below-average-to-painful-on-the-eyes men should get SOME kind of attention from an attractive woman at least once in their lives. But next time, take off that expensive watch before you try to chat one up. Or else your status symbol will instead be viewed as a symbol that you're a sucker.

Next up, Lindsay Lohan is expressing her views about the aforementioned VP candidated Sarah Palin. I encourage you to read it...because I'm not going to. I DO know that Lohan is critical of Palin...and it sounds like Lohan might actually be exercising her brain without getting naked to do it. I heard she wanted to be the new host of "Hardball" on MSNBC, saying "Going through life with only one makes you twice as much of a man." Actually, I've seen the chick Lohan's hanging out with now...what would she know about balls?

And, yes, Tina Fey did a drop-dead perfect impersonation of Sarah Palin on the season premiere of Saturday Night Live (quite frankly the only skit worth watching on the entire show...the whole show just seemed "off" and host Michael Phelps proved he should continue swimming in silence instead of trying to convince people he has a sense of humor). You want to see it, go look it up on nbc.com.. it's my birthday.

Okay, now for the friends of the show...

Adding the blog posted by good friend/news sister/cat sitter Katrina Gallagher (formerly Macaraeg..I am SO glad she married into a last name I can pronounce). She's posting thoughts about working out, etc.

And I'm posting another blog site, also cat-related. I don't normally do this, but since many of my readers are either fans of adorable animals..or fans of bad spelling.. icanhascheezburger.com seemed like an appropriate addition:

Prophetic or pathetic

Are we becoming a nation of idiots?

One theme that continues to emerge throughout this presidential campaign is the notion of "elites".

Somehow education has become a wedge issue.

Folks on the right like to trump how they are against the so-called liberal east coast elites. It's a smoke and mirrors trick to make people think republicans are "like them" just working folks who live day to day.

It's too bad they are not.

Most of the people who spew these talking points, day in and day out on radio and television are elites themselves. Many are (gasp) Ivy League educated, lawyers or hold some sort of advanced degree. That's a lot more education than the "base" they are trying to "energize".

A few months ago the PBS news magazine NOW reported on a trend among some in the working class who always vote Republican despite how many Republican backed economic policies put them in the situation they are in now. Many of the folks they profiled were living paycheck to paycheck, facing rising fuel and fuel prices, and foreclosure.

These tactics are nothing new. It's happened throughout U.S. history the high class (or ruling class if you will) use the working (or lower class) as pawns to promote their cause while breaking their backs.

A few years ago Mike Judge (the man behind Beavis & Butthead, King of the Hill and Office Space) made a movie called Idiocracy.

One of its themes is society is getting dumb now and in 500 years we'll all be idiots.

The movie itself has sparked many on-line conspiracy theories. I remember reading about it coming out when I lived in Louisville, then nothing. Turns out its release was delayed about 6 months, then it only opened in a handful of cities. There were no press junkets, screenings or much advertising.

Idiocracy is OK. It's not great, there are some good ideas that end up half-baked. It's totally watchable, much more so then the usual Hollywood drivel.

Sadly, given the current climate, we may see the realities of Idiocracy before we know it.

Myspace or Yours?

First, to that one guy in Galveston, TX, who intends to hang out on his island and ride out Hurricane Ike this weekend.. you are a stupid fuck.

Okay, on to business...

I'm not sure if any of you faithful readers are aware of this, but there are apparently some websites being used for what's being called "social networking." Yeah, that sentence is dripping with sarcasm, because it seems like EVERYONE is a member of Myspace, Facebook or both.

It's come to my attention that there are three basic groups of people on these sites that I can sum up in three simple letters: OCD.
O-- Obsessive. These are the people who check Myspace and/or Facebook 4-5 times an hour to see if any of their "friends" are online or if any of their "friend requests" have gone through. If you're not one of these people, you probably KNOW at least one. Here's how you spot them: they're the ones who send you 20 requests a day for things like "snowball fight," "take this pseudo-plant and send one back to me," and the ever popular "take this 'What can YOU shove up YOUR anus' quiz." Yes, free friendship is available online, and proven with comments, bulletin boards, "stickers", and even...ahem...blogs. Do not judge these "O" people lest ye be judged...repeatedly. With at least 20 comments on your bulletin board over the course of the next hour.
C-- Casual. These are the people who check Myspace and/or Facebook 4-5 times a week (maybe TWO weeks). They'll politely respond to messages from friends whom they have not seen in years and ask those friends how things are going, how the second/third/seventh marriage is going, how long until they stop popping out those damn kids, etc. They're likely to respond to 1, maybe 2, "friend requests" or "snowball fights" over the course of a month. They might even through a snowball back...which is exactly the amount of a chance in hell that you'll hear from the final group...
D-- Don't give a fuck. These are the people who check the sites once a year (if you're lucky). They didn't even want to put up a page in the first place, but got tired of all the nagging "friends" asking them what their Myspace page was. (In the interest of full disclosure, my Myspace page STILL ends in a random set of numbers...my cleverness goes to this blog) There will be only about 2 pictures of them on their page, and there's a better-than-average chance that they didn't even create the page themselves, but instead let one of their "friends" do it for them. They're also likely to annoy the "O" groupers by not responding to any "friend requests" and just letting them sit there...forever...just for fun.

It's a tongue-in-cheek look, but still somewhat true. Social networking sites are a double-edged sword. You can see all these people..but as soon as you grant a friend request, they can see everything you do. Or, at least, what you're willing to post online. And for some people, that's a LOT more than should be done.

There have also been some well-publicized incidences of cyber-bullying, where immature children (and sometimes adults) pester, harang and pretty much harass people they don't care for on the sites. You might have even heard about the girl who committed suicide because of all the bullying being done to her.

As for me, I've won and lost on the sites. I found a hot date by looking at the friend list of one of my friends. On the down side, it's also been easier for my exes to track me down.

I could go on about this for hours, but you don't have that kind of time. Bottom line, there's no regulation on these sites, which is why some people like them and some hate them. Once you approve that friend request, your world becomes as open a book as you want it to be. And without having to communicate face-to-face with people, it seems a lot easier for some to disclose VERY personal information. So Myspazz at your own risk. Because your "friends" might not be as tight with you as you think. But you can always guarantee they're a little OCD.
-B-

What a wonderful world

I see trees of green and skies of blue... but I have NEVER in my 9 years in news seen anything like this. Let's go to the BREAKING NATIONAL "IT'S NOT POLITICS OR PREGNANCY, BUT IT'S STILL A REALLY FUCKED UP STORY" WIRE (Copyright 2008):

Published: September 4, 2008
PORT ST. LUCIE, Fla. - Police in Port St. Lucie are on the lookout for a cross-dressing man who snatched a 74-year-old woman's purse. As if that weren't odd enough, they're depending on a strange clue.
The suspect left behind a condom filled with water he had been using as a fake breast. The woman said she believed the thief followed her while shopping. A witness told investigators he was wearing a short denim skirt and black tube top, and fled in a silver car with two other male crossdressers.
Police are processing the condom for fingerprint and DNA evidence.

And in a totally unrelated story, Sarah Jessica Parker, Lindsey Lohan and the middle Hanson brother have mysteriously disappeared from TMZ's cameras.
-B-

Look who's watching and/or surfing

A few TV related stories caught my eye over the past few days.

Nielson is beginning to use a walking people meter of sorts to track t.v. viewing. The device is about as large as a cell phone and picks up a random, unique audio signal from each TV station. The goal is to track what people are watching in bars, restaurant, etc.

It doesn't take a genius to realize this could be a boon for sports coverage. Most of us have gone to a bar at one time or another to watch the big game with friends. Hopefully, this is just one step in making TV ratings more accurate.

Without getting all big brother on your asses, I can't see why in the world of digital cable the technology is not there to track everybody's tv viewing. If we can watch programming on demand, there must be a better way to track viewing in real-time.

Also, a new Ipsos survey finds that rich people are spending more time on-line. It also found that the more money your household makes, the more time you spend on the web.

Much of that has to do with actual on-line access (i.e. high speed connections) and ownership of hand held devices (i.e. Blackberry's and iPhones).

Advertisers should listen, if you want to reach the rich, buy ads on line.

It's got to be tough to launch a media campaign these days. Where do you spend your money? TV? Newspapers? With millions of websites out there how do you know which ones to target?

Juneau the new political hit comedy

We learned today that presumptive GOP Vice Presidential candidate Sarah Palin's 17-year-old daughter is pregnant.

If you are into political conspiracy theories (and who isn't) you would find the timing a bit curious. Since her candidacy was announced internet rumors have been flying that Palin's 5th child is actually her daughter's.

The official line is today's announcement is meant to quash those internet reports because the trimester math just doesn't add up.

All the spokespeople on the pseudo-religious right are quick to say this is a family matter and should not be a political issue.

I agree. Although, we all know if this was on the other side, the right wing establishment would be going crazy.

If you listened to Rush Limbaugh or some on the fringes of talk radio the echo chamber would repeat something like this.

"The recent news of Senator/Governor/Congressperson/president X's teenage daughter's pregnancy just goes to show how far Liberals have let the fabric of American life fray. They don't take the time to talk about what's right and wrong. Instead, they have continued to push for birth control and abortion on demand. Now this freewheeling life style has come home to roost and at no better time. It's time for all of us to take back America."

Wow, who knew I had an inner Sean Hannity.

That would start the "Liberal" media frenzy, kicking cable newsrooms into hyperdrive, until we got a statement from said lawmaker.

If the right is indeed right on such matters why is this happening to them? Palin is one of those anti-sex education, birth control style Evangelicals that current president Bush helped bring under the tent.

This isn't a slam on organized religion, instead it just goes to show that bad things can happen to anyone. So-called good people included.

If God really is on the republican's side, why is a hurricane pulling apart their convention?

It looks like praying for rain worked!