I have a small problem...

Apparently my wireless server is having issues... likely because I was late with my check to AT&T and I'm being punished by my server getting borked. So you're getting this really brief blog via my Phablet. I just saw that there's a rumor that Pope Benedict might be resigning this week because he found out some Gary priests might be getting blackmailed by a group of male prostitutes. Now that's a true papal smear. Yes, that's all you get. A pap smear joke. Blame AT&T. Or my lack of a good budget. Either or. -B-

This Week's Post Makes Marco Rubio Thirsty

We'll get to the week's action in just a moment, but first, I'm getting reports of some breaking news... Ah, zombie alerts. Those things will never get old...just like the living dead themselves. Actually, funny story, someone hacked into stations in four different states because their Emergency Alert Systems...y'know, the systems that are RIDICULOUSLY important for keeping you informed in the case of missing small children, missing small adults, etc...were running the DEFAULT PASSWORDS! Even YOU probably know by know that you're always encouraged when creating passwords to use an intricate combination of letters and numbers so as to deter hacking. I'm fairly certain the default password combination of characters was 1-2-3-4-5. Ah, Dick Van Patten. May he rest in peace...wait, I'm being told he's not actually dead, it's just his career. Anywho, welcome back to the blogosphere for this week's Thinking Hard. Man, we had a LOT of shit going on this week. The Pope resigned. I believe he said it was just too much effort to keep up with his Twitter feed. And his failed effort to get the Facebook "Poke" button to be changed to say "Pope." "10 Billion Catholics Who Refuse To Believe In Birth Control Like This." Then we had the double-amputee Olympic runner (nicknamed "Blade Runner") saying he accidentally shot and killed his model girlfriend. I guess it would've been too obvious if he'd stabbed her, being nicknamed "Blade Runner" and all. Then the Carnival cruise ship got stuck in the Gulf of Mexico, probably weighed down by all of the human waste that was being left on it. Seriously, people on board couldn't get much to eat and they had to pee, poop and throw up in biohazard bags. And that was the day I decided never to go on a cruise. And finally, I feel like this is worth mentioning since the second-largest group of pageviews of this blog comes from Russia. A ten-ton meteorite came crashing down in Russia this week, sending shockwaves through buildings and causing a lot of physical and mental damage. At last check, more than 1,000 people had been injured...though, at this point, it's difficult to know for sure whether they had major physical injuries or were just being treated for shock. Check out this amazing home video... I'm pretty sure the DJ on that first clip is saying "And now, it's time for PRANK YANK! That's where we tell you about a great prank idea we have that would get us killed by our country's government..." That's the type of thing that would have people screaming so hard that their throats would be hoarse. How do you feel about that, Marco Rubio? That's actually gin. -B-

Are You Ready For Some Football Off-Season???

Go Ravens. Now that I have that out of the way, can someone PLEASE explain to me what dolt thought it was a good idea to start naming WINTER STORMS??? Here's are some alternate ideas to Nemo and other bullshit like it: Shitstorm, Snowmageddon, Stormageddon, That Fucking White Shit...oh, and the last one would be WE DON'T HAVE TO FUCKING NAME WINTER STORMS BECAUSE THEY'RE NOT LIKE HURRICANES YOU FUCKING IDIOTS!!! Now that I've gotten THAT off my chest, my heart goes out to the people in the New England states who have to dig out of several feet of snow. Stay warm, folks. Okay, back to the week at large. Hey, did you see the Super Bowl commercial that had everyone cringing talking? Be sure to turn up the volume so you can get the full tongue-slapping audio. If you listen closely, you can hear me screaming in the background. Also, give it up for the students at this school for correcting the spelling of NFL player tweets during the Super Bowl. You are NOT smarter than a second-grader. You know, we tend to pick on Fox News a lot here on the blog (mostly through Jon Stewart and The Daily Show) for its inability to be fair and/or balanced. But I want to show you ten seconds of mental clarity and congratulate Chris Wallace for actually taking it to the head of the NRA. Mind you, he's not going after his stance that people should have the right to bear semi-automatic arms. Instead, he took Wayne LaPierre to task for the commercial the NRA put on hours before President Obama called for stricter gun laws. The commercial said armed security guards were good enough for President Obama's children, shouldn't they be good enough for YOUR children? Never mind that the Obama girls are likely a terror target because you can get to the Prez if you can get his daughters. It was a rather...um...UNIQUE position (and I'm being VERY polite in the use of that word "unique") on armed guards in schools. And Chris Wallace called bullshit:

Thank you, Mr. Wallace. Fox News, you may now resume being terrible at what you do. Finally, Monopoly is getting rid of the iron game piece in favor of the cat token. Here's Jon Stewart:

The Daily Show with Jon Stewart
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You ever notice you never see a cat owner saying "I Can Haz Sanity"? Now, recapping our top story...

Really? Can we get some of those second-graders back in here? -B-

Are You Ready For Some Commercials And Non-Lip-Synching Performers?

Yeah, just doesn't have the same ring to it. Happy Super Bowl Sunday, everyone. I'm pulling for the Ravens, but as I was informed two weeks ago, I'm a bandwagonner because, even though I cheered for the Ravens five years ago, I don't broadcast it all over the fucking place with jerseys and Ravens trivia knowledge. So I guess I'll just have to cheer for the commercials. And Beyoncé. Let me tell you, it obviously wasn't a complete waste of everyone's time to call her out for lip-synching during President Obama's inauguration and then question if she'll actually be singing at the Super Bowl. Seriously, the only two times we've really given a shit about lip-synching are when Britney Spears did it on some music awards show and when Ashlee Simpson (of "The Crazy Simpson Girls") got caught in it during Saturday Night Live. And then did a jig. And made me happy. Hey, if you tuned in to the blog last week, you noticed there was (for the first time in a LONG time) no new post on Sunday morning. I was on the road in Nashville, Tennessee, for the regional news emmy awards. Spoiler: I didn't win. But had some great food. Now, if you've never been to Nashville, let me briefly describe downtown. Part of it is this: The rest is like this: You can't go twenty feet without running into a homeless person playing a guitar, or the mouth-powered organ like in the clip above, or a box. Yes, there was a person beating on a BOX just FEET from the Hard Rock Café. It is so hard not to think of Nashville as "The City Where Dreams Go To Die." If you're into the live music scene, by all means, visit Nashville. If you don't like people asking you for spare change everywhere you go, you might want to consider somewhere else. Y'know, that's a little depressing. Let's wrap up this week with a big mood-lightener. If you've ever read this blog, you know that I hate people. Especially those people who act like a bunch of fucking idiots when they're drunk AND see a TV camera. I mean, I talk to a LOT of fucking idiots on the phone at work, but I can only IMAGINE the waste of human space that walks up to my station's reporters in the field. So I HATE when people walk up in the middle of a live shot and make faces or show middle fingers or just start talking randomly to reporters trying to do their jobs (unless of course the person in question is Jay-Z's sister and he was just looking for her on the subway). So I particularly enjoy when the reporter decides to basically say "Fuck You" to Idiot America. Like this chick, covering the Super Bowl: Some days, I think Darwin was right about "Survival of the Fittest." Other days? Notsomuch. -B-