Sorry, guys and gals...I've been asleep at the wheel for a week. Let's see what we've missed...
In case you haven't heard by now, actor Heath Ledger is dead. His massage therapist found him naked and what she thought was asleep. After a couple of speed-dial calls to gal-pal Mary-Kate Olsen (I don't think she's the one with the eating disorder...but you can never really tell), THEN the masseuse thinks to check for a pulse and call 911. And the 911 operator has to run her through the proper CPR procedure. Now look, I'm not saying the 5-10 minutes would've made a difference...I think Ledger was long dead by then...but COME ON! Everyone should at least have a REMOTE idea of how to perform CPR. It takes almost no time to practice and learn. I've been through at least one CPR class, and I'm thinking about going back for a refresher.
Anyway, Ledger apparently had trouble sleeping as of late and had been taking prescription sleep medicine. Cause of death is, as of yet, undetermined, but I'm banking on accidental sleep med overdose. But I want to say, there's a classless bunch of people who turned out for his visitation/funeral who were apparently still offended by Ledger's brilliant performance (though I have yet to see it) in "Brokeback Mountain." They held signs that said "Heath's in Hell." To those churchgoers who saw fit to cast the first stone and be offended by a MOVIE, I can only say this: the Big Guy Upstairs is all-knowing and all-loving, according to every single thing that I've heard read from the Bible. It is not your job to cast judgment, it is not your job to be a bunch of bigots, and it SURE AS FUCK is not your job to show up at a somber occasion and, metaphorically, piss on a man's grave. God forgives you...but you're still a buncha dicks.
Moving away from the sad news of the day, the son of Kansas's governor has come up with an inventive new board game that makes "Clue" look like "Grand Theft Auto." Yes, it's time for another rousing evening of family time with "Don't Drop the Soap." (http://www.gilliusinc.com/dropsoap.html) For $35, you can play as the wheelchair-bound inmate, "Wheelz," or the buff african-american inmate, who's obviously not perpetuating ANY stereotypes by wearing the bling and wife-beater and going by the name of "Anferny." Yes, the goal here is to "escape prison riots," "slip glass into a mob boss' lasagna," and "avoid being cornered by the Aryans in the Shower Room." (I can't make this up, folks.) And don't forget to not "smoke your entire stash in The Hole." The brilliant young entrepreneur's mother (yes, the GOVERNOR OF KANSAS) thinks it's a great idea. I see the humor in it...but she might want to distance herself a little from any possible controversy.
Remember, kids, it's a new year, new successes, new failures, new moments filled with happiness and sadness. Let the warming of the weather remind you that no matter how bad things get, they always start anew, like a cosmic "reset" button on the Wii of life. Make use of every day, and be thankful for each new breath that you get. Something new and exciting is always just around the corner. LOVE YOU, LOUISVILLE!
-B-
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
Morning Thoughts Over a Cup of Joe
True story:
Britney Spears was surrounded by paparazzi when a homeless man came up to her and asked for change. She responded by telling him he was luckier to be homeless than to be her. And she did it in a fake British accent.
What.
The.
Fuck.
How about Britney experience a couple of months of financial poverty (in addition to the mental poverty she's already playing in)? I realize she's a headcase, but Britney has to start taking responsibility for her life and start acting like an adult... or keep getting blitzed on every drug she can find and die by age 30. Either way, we all benefit.
-B-
Britney Spears was surrounded by paparazzi when a homeless man came up to her and asked for change. She responded by telling him he was luckier to be homeless than to be her. And she did it in a fake British accent.
What.
The.
Fuck.
How about Britney experience a couple of months of financial poverty (in addition to the mental poverty she's already playing in)? I realize she's a headcase, but Britney has to start taking responsibility for her life and start acting like an adult... or keep getting blitzed on every drug she can find and die by age 30. Either way, we all benefit.
-B-
Friday, January 18, 2008
Cloverfield Review
(hey, check that out...I can now blog in Arabic, Hebrew and Persian. Now if only I knew any of those languages...)
Why does Alias creative genius J.J. Abrams hate me? You're probably thinking "Blaine, he doesn't even know you...except for that one party where you got really smashed and told him he looked a lot like Kelly Clarkson, but without the breasts." I know, I know, but J.J. Abrams must hate me because he wouldn't have made a movie like Cloverfield if he loved me.
I LOVE giant-monster-attacks-the-city-and-rapes-and-pillages-the-neighbors movies! I loved them all growing up...King Kong, Godzilla, Mechagodzilla, Bigguyinrubbersuit, etc. I loved them all. I loved watching King Kong tangle with Godzilla in a (quite frankly) TERRIBLE movie. I bought the most recent Godzilla movie, "Final Wars," which included all of the villains and traded up the rubber suits for computer-generated behemoths. I loved watching the classic short "Bambi Meets Godzilla," which is a short animated clip and hilarious enough that I won't ruin it for you. Youtube it or something.
Those movies are like the comfortable little corner bar, where I can grab a beer, pick up a woman (or two...that one's for you, Kerri) and have a nice quiet...okay, NOT quiet...evening at home. Cloverfield is not that. Cloverfield is the strange bar at the OTHER corner where the woman I picked up drugged me...AND I WOKE UP IN A BATHTUB FILLED WITH ICE AND ONE OF MY KIDNEYS MISSING!
Now, before I go any further, that's not a dig on the movie. Quite the opposite. Cloverfield is intense. Cloverfield is really good. And Cloverfield is a brilliant diversion from J.J. Abrams.
Plot first...some douchebag named Rob is one red-eye from the Land of the Rising Sun to enjoy his new promotion. Good for him...if he gets there. See, on the night of Rob's going-away party,....ALL SHIT BREAKS LOOSE! Spoiler: giant fucking monster attacks New York. This was the hook for me. And this movie is the reason I have a big piss-stain down my leg.
Once you know ALL of the monster's rules, and those aren't entirely clear until about 30-40 minutes into the film...and it's an 84-minute film, the movie gets a little predictable. But that in no way takes away from the originality or presentation or intensity. This movie is all shot on handheld camera and is really shaky in spots, almost like something you'd see on Youtube (LonelyGirl15's creators would see this and piss their pants). In fact, it made me nauseous about 70 minutes in. I had to get up and walk out of the theater to catch my breath...and I've only done that at one other movie: The Blair Witch Project. Anyone who wants to compare is going to be disappointed. This film is higher-budget...AND you get to see what the fuck is attacking the poor victims. And I LIKED Blair Witch!
So, I highly recommend this movie. Play the game of "Guess Who Survives"...I lost. And tell J.J. Abrams I said "Thanks." For a great movie experience. And for sending me out to buy a new pair of pants.
-B-
Why does Alias creative genius J.J. Abrams hate me? You're probably thinking "Blaine, he doesn't even know you...except for that one party where you got really smashed and told him he looked a lot like Kelly Clarkson, but without the breasts." I know, I know, but J.J. Abrams must hate me because he wouldn't have made a movie like Cloverfield if he loved me.
I LOVE giant-monster-attacks-the-city-and-rapes-and-pillages-the-neighbors movies! I loved them all growing up...King Kong, Godzilla, Mechagodzilla, Bigguyinrubbersuit, etc. I loved them all. I loved watching King Kong tangle with Godzilla in a (quite frankly) TERRIBLE movie. I bought the most recent Godzilla movie, "Final Wars," which included all of the villains and traded up the rubber suits for computer-generated behemoths. I loved watching the classic short "Bambi Meets Godzilla," which is a short animated clip and hilarious enough that I won't ruin it for you. Youtube it or something.
Those movies are like the comfortable little corner bar, where I can grab a beer, pick up a woman (or two...that one's for you, Kerri) and have a nice quiet...okay, NOT quiet...evening at home. Cloverfield is not that. Cloverfield is the strange bar at the OTHER corner where the woman I picked up drugged me...AND I WOKE UP IN A BATHTUB FILLED WITH ICE AND ONE OF MY KIDNEYS MISSING!
Now, before I go any further, that's not a dig on the movie. Quite the opposite. Cloverfield is intense. Cloverfield is really good. And Cloverfield is a brilliant diversion from J.J. Abrams.
Plot first...some douchebag named Rob is one red-eye from the Land of the Rising Sun to enjoy his new promotion. Good for him...if he gets there. See, on the night of Rob's going-away party,....ALL SHIT BREAKS LOOSE! Spoiler: giant fucking monster attacks New York. This was the hook for me. And this movie is the reason I have a big piss-stain down my leg.
Once you know ALL of the monster's rules, and those aren't entirely clear until about 30-40 minutes into the film...and it's an 84-minute film, the movie gets a little predictable. But that in no way takes away from the originality or presentation or intensity. This movie is all shot on handheld camera and is really shaky in spots, almost like something you'd see on Youtube (LonelyGirl15's creators would see this and piss their pants). In fact, it made me nauseous about 70 minutes in. I had to get up and walk out of the theater to catch my breath...and I've only done that at one other movie: The Blair Witch Project. Anyone who wants to compare is going to be disappointed. This film is higher-budget...AND you get to see what the fuck is attacking the poor victims. And I LIKED Blair Witch!
So, I highly recommend this movie. Play the game of "Guess Who Survives"...I lost. And tell J.J. Abrams I said "Thanks." For a great movie experience. And for sending me out to buy a new pair of pants.
-B-
Monday, January 14, 2008
A Quick Hit For You Politicos
I LOVE Iowans! Give it up to my home crew for coming up with this BEAUTIFUL t-shirt about "rocking out with my caucus out."
http://www.thesmashsite.com/shop/caucus.html
Buy 12, give them to your friends and remember which state is shaping the nation's views of politics...one white cracker at a time.
-B-
http://www.thesmashsite.com/shop/caucus.html
Buy 12, give them to your friends and remember which state is shaping the nation's views of politics...one white cracker at a time.
-B-
Friday, January 11, 2008
Double, double Hannah... er.. someone's in trouble
Confession: I never watch the Disney Channel, but this story caught my eye. The AP is reporting Hanna Montana uses a body double.
Here's proof.
During the song on the "best of both worlds" tour, Hanna and her dancers go to one side of the stage "cover" her up .. a trap door opens... she disappears and somebody else in a wig finishes the song.
Disney admits to the old switcheroo, claiming its needed for a costume change.
For those of you who don't spend quality time with pre-teens Hanna Montana is a character played by Miley Cyrus (spawn of Billy Ray). She leads a double life on her eponymous Disney Channel show. Plot lines are based on her part-time middle school student, part-time pop star adventures.
In true sign-of-the-times fashion the Internet is blowing up over this. Fans upset they were duped, fans are supporting the move and media types are giving us just the facts.
The body double really doesn't bother me, what irks me is parents have notably paid hundreds of dollars for tickets to this show (through scalpers, and what that says about parents not saying "no" but that's another post) and there is no show.
My advice, stay home, download the latest songs on your ipod, watch the TV show but don't see her live. Because what are you buying? The right to scream with 15,000 others?
Not a concert ticket or a good experience. Its basement dress-up with better costumes.
Miley Ray Cyrus isn't to blame, she's just a prop in the entertainment game. The industry bilks billions from working folk who just want something else to do with their time than watch gas prices go up.
Here's proof.
During the song on the "best of both worlds" tour, Hanna and her dancers go to one side of the stage "cover" her up .. a trap door opens... she disappears and somebody else in a wig finishes the song.
Disney admits to the old switcheroo, claiming its needed for a costume change.
For those of you who don't spend quality time with pre-teens Hanna Montana is a character played by Miley Cyrus (spawn of Billy Ray). She leads a double life on her eponymous Disney Channel show. Plot lines are based on her part-time middle school student, part-time pop star adventures.
In true sign-of-the-times fashion the Internet is blowing up over this. Fans upset they were duped, fans are supporting the move and media types are giving us just the facts.
The body double really doesn't bother me, what irks me is parents have notably paid hundreds of dollars for tickets to this show (through scalpers, and what that says about parents not saying "no" but that's another post) and there is no show.
My advice, stay home, download the latest songs on your ipod, watch the TV show but don't see her live. Because what are you buying? The right to scream with 15,000 others?
Not a concert ticket or a good experience. Its basement dress-up with better costumes.
Miley Ray Cyrus isn't to blame, she's just a prop in the entertainment game. The industry bilks billions from working folk who just want something else to do with their time than watch gas prices go up.
Thursday, January 10, 2008
What Other Shenanigans Can I Possibly Get Into?
(that's a "Juno" shout-out to my frozen buddy in Minnesota, Andy Graning. Andy, drink some hot chocolate and sit on my lap by the fire as Uncle Blaine tells everyone a story or two...)
Dateline: India...
Those crazy Indians...not the Native Americans ones who see fit to take all of my hard-earned money that I continue to shove into the nearest slot machine or drop on a bet of "RED" on a roulette table, only to turn up "BLACK"(I wonder if it's considered offensive to bet on "RED" at a casino run by Native Americans)...the OTHER Indians...y'know, from India...
Anyway, those crazy Indians...they've found a way to make a car for $2500. No, there is not an extra zero missing. Really. $2500. They call it the Tata Nano, which means "Do NOT, under ANY circumstances, take this out on an actual road." Apparently, the "midget car" (as I like to call it...I will NEVER be able to fold myself into one of those) gets about 50 miles per gallon. FIFTY MILES!!! We can't get that kind of mileage here in America, and we're supposedly the "smartest country on the planet," as evidenced by our fearless lea-duh-r.
Dateline: Gaston County, N.C. (it's near Charlotte...trust me)...
69-year-old Dennis Beasley goes to have dinner at an Outback Steakhouse (probably for the Bloomin' Onion...one of those will kill me...soon) and sees an open parking spot. The car in front of Beasley passes it, so he excitedly pulls in. But just like an episode of Seinfeld, the other car tries to BACK IN. The other driver gets out and asks why Beasley just stole his spot. (
http://www.gastongazette.com/news/tidwell_15281___article.html/beasley_police.html) That other driver is a city councilman in nearby Gastonia. The two "exchange words" (apparently a lot of 4-letter ones..."I'll trade you my F*** for your C**K") and Beasley goes on to tell police that the city councilman PUNCHED him. Later, he decides the councilman didn't TAKE a swing but THREATENED to take a swing at him. No charges, but it does leave the question...do you prefer to back in or pull in forward.
And since we're on the topic, the Adult Entertainment Expo is on in Sin City this week. That's right, the hottest adult directors/stars/golden showerers/leather-clad feces-eaters on the planet are in Las Vegas this week...right next door to the CONSUMER ELECTRONICS SHOW. I'm going to say that again...mostly for MY entertainment... The Adult Entertainment Expo is set up RIGHT NEXT DOOR to the Consumer Electronics Show. Now, don't get me wrong, I can't judge the adult film industry. In fact, just the opposite. That's a true case of knowing your target audience, because if there's ANYONE not getting "any" on a regular basis, it's the guys building new electronics in their parents' basements (I'm looking in your general direction, Steve Jobs...you and that blasted iPhone). Maybe next year they'll consider a JOINT venture in one booth. I can see the headline now: "iPhone Falls To iBrator"
-B-
Dateline: India...
Those crazy Indians...not the Native Americans ones who see fit to take all of my hard-earned money that I continue to shove into the nearest slot machine or drop on a bet of "RED" on a roulette table, only to turn up "BLACK"(I wonder if it's considered offensive to bet on "RED" at a casino run by Native Americans)...the OTHER Indians...y'know, from India...
Anyway, those crazy Indians...they've found a way to make a car for $2500. No, there is not an extra zero missing. Really. $2500. They call it the Tata Nano, which means "Do NOT, under ANY circumstances, take this out on an actual road." Apparently, the "midget car" (as I like to call it...I will NEVER be able to fold myself into one of those) gets about 50 miles per gallon. FIFTY MILES!!! We can't get that kind of mileage here in America, and we're supposedly the "smartest country on the planet," as evidenced by our fearless lea-duh-r.
Dateline: Gaston County, N.C. (it's near Charlotte...trust me)...
69-year-old Dennis Beasley goes to have dinner at an Outback Steakhouse (probably for the Bloomin' Onion...one of those will kill me...soon) and sees an open parking spot. The car in front of Beasley passes it, so he excitedly pulls in. But just like an episode of Seinfeld, the other car tries to BACK IN. The other driver gets out and asks why Beasley just stole his spot. (
http://www.gastongazette.com/news/tidwell_15281___article.html/beasley_police.html) That other driver is a city councilman in nearby Gastonia. The two "exchange words" (apparently a lot of 4-letter ones..."I'll trade you my F*** for your C**K") and Beasley goes on to tell police that the city councilman PUNCHED him. Later, he decides the councilman didn't TAKE a swing but THREATENED to take a swing at him. No charges, but it does leave the question...do you prefer to back in or pull in forward.
And since we're on the topic, the Adult Entertainment Expo is on in Sin City this week. That's right, the hottest adult directors/stars/golden showerers/leather-clad feces-eaters on the planet are in Las Vegas this week...right next door to the CONSUMER ELECTRONICS SHOW. I'm going to say that again...mostly for MY entertainment... The Adult Entertainment Expo is set up RIGHT NEXT DOOR to the Consumer Electronics Show. Now, don't get me wrong, I can't judge the adult film industry. In fact, just the opposite. That's a true case of knowing your target audience, because if there's ANYONE not getting "any" on a regular basis, it's the guys building new electronics in their parents' basements (I'm looking in your general direction, Steve Jobs...you and that blasted iPhone). Maybe next year they'll consider a JOINT venture in one booth. I can see the headline now: "iPhone Falls To iBrator"
-B-
Friday, January 4, 2008
"You Drive Me Cray-ZEE!"
That Britney Spears, she's SO jealous that her sister, Jamie Lynn, is getting the spotlight with her pregnancy! So she yanked it right back...by being absolutely crazy!
For those of you who haven't heard, K-Fed's bodyguards showed up Thursday night to pick up the kiddos. But Britney said "Kids? What kids? All I have here are these awesome-looking ottomans that cry when I put my feet up on them." (http://www.cnn.com/2008/SHOWBIZ/Music/01/04/spears/index.html)
This was after showing up late (though, she DID show up this time) to a deposition with K-Fed's lawyers earlier in the day. Seriously, though, Britney would not hand over the children for K-Fed's scheduled visitation, so he called out the po-po. Six police cars, an ambulance and a fire truck sat outside the home for a (I can't believe I get to say this...it's a dream come true) THREE-HOUR STANDOFF! Anyone not catch that? A THREE-HOUR STANDOFF WITH A CRACKED-OUT BRITNEY SPEARS! Somewhere, Justin Timberlake is saying, "I KNEW IT! Bitch is NUTS!"
So, the standoff ended peacefully and the nice men in the white coats hauled off Brit on a stretcher...and she was SMILING. Apparently, her hospital is classifying her as a "special needs" patient, which is hilarious until you find out that means she's either OD'd on a "foreign substance" or she's suicidal. Sounds like a cross between Amy Winehouse's "Rehab" and Sean Kingston's "Suicidal" songs. Maybe Brit's making a comeback.
Who knows when she'll be released. The children are with K-Fed now, who seems more and more like Mr. Cleaver on Leave it to Beaver every day. And Brit...well, she'll just have to deal with her "post-party" depression.
Save the children.
-B-
For those of you who haven't heard, K-Fed's bodyguards showed up Thursday night to pick up the kiddos. But Britney said "Kids? What kids? All I have here are these awesome-looking ottomans that cry when I put my feet up on them." (http://www.cnn.com/2008/SHOWBIZ/Music/01/04/spears/index.html)
This was after showing up late (though, she DID show up this time) to a deposition with K-Fed's lawyers earlier in the day. Seriously, though, Britney would not hand over the children for K-Fed's scheduled visitation, so he called out the po-po. Six police cars, an ambulance and a fire truck sat outside the home for a (I can't believe I get to say this...it's a dream come true) THREE-HOUR STANDOFF! Anyone not catch that? A THREE-HOUR STANDOFF WITH A CRACKED-OUT BRITNEY SPEARS! Somewhere, Justin Timberlake is saying, "I KNEW IT! Bitch is NUTS!"
So, the standoff ended peacefully and the nice men in the white coats hauled off Brit on a stretcher...and she was SMILING. Apparently, her hospital is classifying her as a "special needs" patient, which is hilarious until you find out that means she's either OD'd on a "foreign substance" or she's suicidal. Sounds like a cross between Amy Winehouse's "Rehab" and Sean Kingston's "Suicidal" songs. Maybe Brit's making a comeback.
Who knows when she'll be released. The children are with K-Fed now, who seems more and more like Mr. Cleaver on Leave it to Beaver every day. And Brit...well, she'll just have to deal with her "post-party" depression.
Save the children.
-B-
A Raucous Caucus, or Meet The Pres?
First off, congratulations goes to WHAS11 alum Sarah Beyl, who became the first person ever to post a comment on one of our blogs here on Thinking Hard. Sadly, it was just about my mindless drivel about the new year, but still...
Now on to the main event, a battle royale (with cheese) of pundits and politicians in the city of two rivers, Des Moines, Iowa!
That's right, after Thursday's caucuses in the Hawkeye State, we now have a clearer picture...of who white people in Iowa think would be a good president. An ABC estimated 236,000 people turned out for the caucuses, nearly double the number of attendees in 2004, when some guy who looked like a horse ran to save the nation from Bush. Wait, didn't I see his running mate at the caucuses Thursday night? Wonder what he was doing there? Oh, wait...squeezing past Hillary Clinton in a devastating second place victory!
For those of you paying attention to the dems, Illinois Senator Barack Obama won with 38% of the vote, John Edwards in second with 30%, Hills in third with 29%, Bill Richardson stays in the (as he puts it) "final four" with, what, TWO percent? Oh, and Chris Dodd tied with Undecided (I vote for that guy every year) and a cheeseburger with 0%. Obama won in a predominantly white/hispanic state, pulled the young voters AND the women. Yes, the women of America would rather sleep with Barack Obama than Hillary Clinton...much like Bill.
Over on the republican side of things, Mike Huckabee won it with a 34% thwomping of "TV-Hair" Mitt Romney, who garnered 25%. Seriously, this guy looks like a TV news anchor...and I don't trust ANY of THEM either. And at last check, Fred "Don't I Have A Hot Wife" Thompson and John McCain were sitting at 13% each in third place. Unfortunate that a has-been TV star can get as many votes as a man held as a war prisoner. Oh, and I hear McCain has been tapped to replace Sam Waterston on "Law & Order."
Oh, and all of this voting? It means jack...Iowa doesn't "represent" the nation's voters like it used to. Now, New Hampshire gets its say...in about 5 days. It's like watching The Ring, but instead of seven days, Chuck Norris crawls out of your TV in 5 and tells you to vote for Huckabee.
Let the games begin,
-B-
Now on to the main event, a battle royale (with cheese) of pundits and politicians in the city of two rivers, Des Moines, Iowa!
That's right, after Thursday's caucuses in the Hawkeye State, we now have a clearer picture...of who white people in Iowa think would be a good president. An ABC estimated 236,000 people turned out for the caucuses, nearly double the number of attendees in 2004, when some guy who looked like a horse ran to save the nation from Bush. Wait, didn't I see his running mate at the caucuses Thursday night? Wonder what he was doing there? Oh, wait...squeezing past Hillary Clinton in a devastating second place victory!
For those of you paying attention to the dems, Illinois Senator Barack Obama won with 38% of the vote, John Edwards in second with 30%, Hills in third with 29%, Bill Richardson stays in the (as he puts it) "final four" with, what, TWO percent? Oh, and Chris Dodd tied with Undecided (I vote for that guy every year) and a cheeseburger with 0%. Obama won in a predominantly white/hispanic state, pulled the young voters AND the women. Yes, the women of America would rather sleep with Barack Obama than Hillary Clinton...much like Bill.
Over on the republican side of things, Mike Huckabee won it with a 34% thwomping of "TV-Hair" Mitt Romney, who garnered 25%. Seriously, this guy looks like a TV news anchor...and I don't trust ANY of THEM either. And at last check, Fred "Don't I Have A Hot Wife" Thompson and John McCain were sitting at 13% each in third place. Unfortunate that a has-been TV star can get as many votes as a man held as a war prisoner. Oh, and I hear McCain has been tapped to replace Sam Waterston on "Law & Order."
Oh, and all of this voting? It means jack...Iowa doesn't "represent" the nation's voters like it used to. Now, New Hampshire gets its say...in about 5 days. It's like watching The Ring, but instead of seven days, Chuck Norris crawls out of your TV in 5 and tells you to vote for Huckabee.
Let the games begin,
-B-
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