Cloverfield Review

(hey, check that out...I can now blog in Arabic, Hebrew and Persian. Now if only I knew any of those languages...)

Why does Alias creative genius J.J. Abrams hate me? You're probably thinking "Blaine, he doesn't even know you...except for that one party where you got really smashed and told him he looked a lot like Kelly Clarkson, but without the breasts." I know, I know, but J.J. Abrams must hate me because he wouldn't have made a movie like Cloverfield if he loved me.

I LOVE giant-monster-attacks-the-city-and-rapes-and-pillages-the-neighbors movies! I loved them all growing up...King Kong, Godzilla, Mechagodzilla, Bigguyinrubbersuit, etc. I loved them all. I loved watching King Kong tangle with Godzilla in a (quite frankly) TERRIBLE movie. I bought the most recent Godzilla movie, "Final Wars," which included all of the villains and traded up the rubber suits for computer-generated behemoths. I loved watching the classic short "Bambi Meets Godzilla," which is a short animated clip and hilarious enough that I won't ruin it for you. Youtube it or something.

Those movies are like the comfortable little corner bar, where I can grab a beer, pick up a woman (or two...that one's for you, Kerri) and have a nice quiet...okay, NOT quiet...evening at home. Cloverfield is not that. Cloverfield is the strange bar at the OTHER corner where the woman I picked up drugged me...AND I WOKE UP IN A BATHTUB FILLED WITH ICE AND ONE OF MY KIDNEYS MISSING!

Now, before I go any further, that's not a dig on the movie. Quite the opposite. Cloverfield is intense. Cloverfield is really good. And Cloverfield is a brilliant diversion from J.J. Abrams.

Plot first...some douchebag named Rob is one red-eye from the Land of the Rising Sun to enjoy his new promotion. Good for him...if he gets there. See, on the night of Rob's going-away party,....ALL SHIT BREAKS LOOSE! Spoiler: giant fucking monster attacks New York. This was the hook for me. And this movie is the reason I have a big piss-stain down my leg.

Once you know ALL of the monster's rules, and those aren't entirely clear until about 30-40 minutes into the film...and it's an 84-minute film, the movie gets a little predictable. But that in no way takes away from the originality or presentation or intensity. This movie is all shot on handheld camera and is really shaky in spots, almost like something you'd see on Youtube (LonelyGirl15's creators would see this and piss their pants). In fact, it made me nauseous about 70 minutes in. I had to get up and walk out of the theater to catch my breath...and I've only done that at one other movie: The Blair Witch Project. Anyone who wants to compare is going to be disappointed. This film is higher-budget...AND you get to see what the fuck is attacking the poor victims. And I LIKED Blair Witch!

So, I highly recommend this movie. Play the game of "Guess Who Survives"...I lost. And tell J.J. Abrams I said "Thanks." For a great movie experience. And for sending me out to buy a new pair of pants.

-B-