Ah, happy Halloween, one and all. Welcome to the time of year when everything you fear comes to the forefront to taunt and tickle you. This is, without a doubt, one of my favorite times of the year. So keep your eyes and ears open for that extra chill and the occasional ghostly laugh.
That said, what really frightens me THIS year is the "Occupy Wall Street" protesters. They've been out there long enough to look AND smell like the walking dead. But you can tell they're not zombies yet...even ZOMBIES are more focused in what they want than the protesters. The Wall Street Occupiers would likely say "Braaaains...well, maybe a lower income taxxxxx...and more jobsssssss...how about those unionssss...and regulate Wall Streettttttt...THEN maybe a brain or twooooooo." But the protests have started to get violent. People in Oakland were hit with tear gas and other non-lethal weapons as police tried to get them to move along. Let's take a look at some of the crime at the protests in Portland, Oregon, as presented briefly on a TV station there:
*facepalm* Well, at least now I know that graphic designer is VERY afraid this time of year. Jobbbbbbbb...and braaaaaaaains...
(By the way, what frightens ME most this year is the report that Lindsay Lohan is posing in Playboy. Ew. Why would I pay to see something I could see for free in any New York clinic?)
Ah, Fox and FIENDS. I'm going to start calling him Steve DOUCHEY. Anyway, congratulations to Libya for successfully running the "Pizza-Delivery-Turned-Execution" scam. Let's see what legendary singer Harry Belafonte thinks about it:
Oh. Maybe we should check out how the Charlotte CBS station reporting the breaking news:
(Quick note: that station has dropped ALL KINDS of misspellings and grammatical errors on their graphics lately...but that is BY FAR the funniest.)
Maybe we can get a comment from the brother of South Carolina's Lieutenant Governor...
Or not. And we could have asked the morning show at WPIX to report on Gadhafi, but they were talking high heels...and orgasms...and they were apparently drinking:
I'm sure Lindsay Lohan will at least have something to say. She's working in the morgue, so I'm sure she'll come across Gadhafi's body (take that whichever way you prefer). After all, that's her punishment for showing up late to her original community service. Well, at least now we can CONFIRM Lohan's career is dead.
Another one's biting the dust, kids! This is my SECOND favorite time of year for television (right behind Premiere Week)...when all of the new shows that absolutely suck are cut from the network lineups...and others, which are apparently fucking a leprachaun, suck but are STILL granted a full season.
Since Hollywood is obsessed with remaking proven franchises and not gambling on new(er) ideas, Hawaii Five-O was recreated with some success for CBS last season. So a group of writers decided to remake Charlie's Angels for ABC this season...with no success. Minka Kelly, you can go back to acting in...whatever it is you act in...because ABC has canned the show. I believe the show will end up having 6-8 episodes this season. That's roughly the same number of SEASONS that its predecessor aired back in the day. I think that only goes to show you: hot chicks fighting crime will only get you so far. Unless your name is Nikita.
Now I have to frantically go change my costume for Halloween. Wearing a white strapless pantsuit and calling everyone I meet "Charlie" now seems passe.
Wow, Hard Thinkers, what a week in politics! Big news! Former Alaska governor and current gene-pool reject Sarah Palin says she's NOT running for president in 2012! I'm shocked!...no wait, I'm not. I was more shocked to find out soylent green is people. I was more shocked to find out circus peanuts will NOT make "circus peanut butter." Let's face it. Sarah Palin was never going to run for president unless people dropped to their knees every time they saw her stupid campaign-but-not-really-a-campaign bus, arriving in cities where she could easily draw some of the attention away from the ACTUAL candidates. She's like that bratty little brother or sister who, every time you brought home a paper with an "A" on it from school, would drop some beautiful knowledge like "Well, I saw Timmy Smith pick his nose and eat his booger! And then we called him Booger Brain! And then we laughed because we thought it was funny! And then I wondered what boogers taste like...because I'm awesome!" Sarah Palin's bus had more useless shit in it than ANYTHING Bret Michaels was a part of (Rock of Love? Nobody?). Simply put, Sarah Palin is a cocktease. She held her presidential campaign out in front of potential voters (all 5 of them) like she tempts Todd with her stretch marks on a nightly basis: "Oh, come on now, dontcha know there Todd...dontcha think this mark here is SEEEXXXY? Ya know, you can still kinda see a little bit of Trig's little baby penis in this mark right here...wait, where are ya goin'?" Palin's the person that injects herself into group conversations because she thinks she's interesting and attractive...and doesn't realize that everyone else hates her. I AM that guy! I know EXACTLY what I'm talking about! So now she's just a bitch who left her job before her contract was up without having any sights on another REAL job (yes, that's a dig at Fox News) and who's taking care of her young daughter and THAT daughter's baby. Seriously, I kinda expect the Palins to show up on Hillbilly Handfishin' and say "Hey, this is a LOT fancier than how we do it at home!"
Not to be overlooked, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie announced AGAIN this week that he will NOT be running for president. Yes, the guy who directed people asking if he would run to a website that featured 2 minutes of clips of him saying "No, I will not run" 80 different ways had to AGAIN repeat himself and say he's not running. 1. The republicans are getting desperate for a candidate (as proven by Herman Cain's surprising rise in the polls) and 2. Republicans don't pay attention, as proven in 2004 when they re-elected "W" and yet now they complain that we shouldn't have gotten into wars in Iraq and Afghanistan. Keepin' in classy, GOP. I'm-a let my boy, Jon Stewart, drop a little knowledge on Chris Christie's LATEST "No, I'm STILL not running" news conference:
*Steve Jobs died this week...man, he was REALLY disappointed there was no Iphone 5 announcement.
*Dear "Occupy Wall Street" protesters: you're only slightly less ridiculous than the Tea Party protesers. But you need two things. 1. More direction...the protests should not be a "Aw, come on out and be angry at whatever you like, even if your cat's litter box has nothing to do with Wall Street." 2. Get a map...the Brooklyn Bridge is NOT Wall Street. In fact, Google Maps tells me Wall Street doesn't cross any body of water. See how easy that was! Just go to Google!
*For those of you taking part in the office pool, NBC's racy "The Playboy Club" is the first new show of the new season to get canceled...not because it's so risque, but no one gives a shit anymore about Playboy unless the bunnies are "getting married" (*snicker*) to Hef. (c'mon, Sarah Palin will run for president before Hef gets married) The second show to get cut? NBC's latest theft from the BBC sitcom department, "Free Agents." Hey, NBC, you got lucky with "The Office." You can stop now.
And now, it's time for "This Week in TV News Fuck-ups"...
First, let's go big with Good Morning America. The show ran a story on the Conrad Murray trial. You remember Murray...he's the guy on trial for making Michael Jackson in worse shape than he was when he was accused of being a child molester. So they ran a computer animation of a procedure doctors did to try to save Jackson, but whoever made the animation misspelled "balloon." Someone caught it and made a note to fix it, but they were apparently out of Post-It Notes:
Hey, that's actually a great move...I can't even TELL "balloon" is misspelled anymore. Mike Moskowitz will update his resume.
Next up, your five-day forecast for the greater Orlando area. Be sure to pack a jacket Saturday morning:
"And coming up for the weekend, it looks like we have a 100% chance of a frozen apocalypse...so be sure to bring those plants inside!"
Finally, it looks like someone found a way to make those local TV sports shows interesting:
Nah, not interesting enough...it's getting canceled with "The Playboy Club." On the plus side, Sarah Palin just figured out what word to throw on the side of her bus in 2016.
No joke, wandering through the stats of who finds Thinking Hard via Google searches is pretty fascinating. We recently had a european visitor who was looking for an image of Don Swayze with his more talented (and deceased) brother, Patrick. You're welcome. You can thank us by sending us your marijuana.
Speaking of drugs, I swear EVERY SINGLE republican running for U.S. President is high. Has anyone actually been WATCHING the debates? Check this out...
To be fair to American Idol, I'm sure Paula Abdul would vote for Palin...in the democratic primary.
Hey, while I'm talking about things that are batshit crazy (BSC), let's consider the big story on Capitol Hill this week. A news publication had day-long Twitter coverage of a hostage situation in Congress, with leading members of Congress holding a group of schoolchildren hostage. Before you blow a gasket, the publication in question is The Onion. You know, the SATIRICAL, ENTIRELY FAKE newspaper. So it begs the question of WHY Capitol Police feel the need to LAUNCH AN INVESTIGATION INTO THE REPORTS???? Really, officers? The rest of America gets the joke...but not you? You hear a "Knock, knock" joke and you immediately go to the door to see who's there? And these guys are the ones in charge of protecting our lawmakers in Washington! I'm fully aware the police probably get the joke and are just upset that someone made a mockery of them. In that vein, I'm going to launch an investigation into my crazy aunt who sent me a birthday card that implied I'm so old, the candles on my cake could burn down the city. That's like yelling "Fire!" in a crowded movie theater!
And now, a final thought from James, the narcoleptic news anchor...
That guy throws 20 extra Zs in Syracuzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
