Have you ever been out at a bar or a party (or a "barty") and been one of the more sober people there...and tried to get in a conversation with one of the drunks or soaks (or "droaks")? Generally, they'll respond to you with a mess of rambling or gibberish (or "ramberish") and you won't have any idea what they're saying...but they'll think they're spouting off an honors thesis. My point...have you MET Sarah Palin? This week, Ms. Newsweek said muslims should oppose plans to build a mosque at the site of the 9/11 attacks at the World Trade Center in New York. Fair enough...I can understand her request. But I CAN'T understand the word she used for "oppose"...REFUDIATE. I've watched a LOT of spelling bees in my day, and I have NEVER heard that word before. Know why? Because it doesn't exist. Okay, so Palin mis-spoke. All she has to do is apologize for the misunderstanding...except she's not. Instead, she's suggesting she came up with a new word. She also says "William Shakespeare made up words all the time." Really? REALLY? You're comparing your hillbilly intellect (or "hillbillect"...look, I can come up with new words too!) with that of one of the greatest poets of the last 500 years? True, his works have been published MILLIONS of times over and your works are getting up there...but YOURS are being published because you're a FUCKING IDIOT (or "fuckiot")! I tell you what...you can continue to live in your little "Undictionation" and call up your buddy, President W, and the two of you can make your OWN version of a Merriam-Webster dictionary. Maybe Fox News will publish it for you. Fuckiot.
It's been a factually-inaccurate week, er LIFETIME, for Ms. Palin. This week, she endorsed a candidate for senator of New Hampshire and referred to Kodiak Island in Alaska as the biggest island in America. Good try...but FAIL. As it turns out, the Big Island of Hawaii is about 440 square miles larger. 440 miles...that's about the distance from Palin's backyard to Russia. You'd think she'd know better. Later in that same endorsement, she credited the candidate with having won a case before the Supreme Court. As state attorney general, the candidate defended a law requiring parental notification for teens seeking abortions. But it was REPEALED after the Supreme Court sent it back to a lower court. But that doesn't matter apparently. I mean, it would be like saying Levi Johnston will never again be in Bristol's life because they'd already broken up once and anything that happens after that doesn't matter. By the way, congratulations on the engagement of Levi Johnston and Bristol Palin.
Let's go three-for-three in my Palin dogpile...there's talk of Palin and Kate Gosselin co-starring in a TLC show. I assume we'll be calling it "Mothers Behaving Badly." Perhaps "Close Your Legs."
Now to other competitors in the Hottest Mess Tournament...Lindsay Lohan is now in jail. Yes, she went behind bars earlier this week as some fuckiot in the crowd threw gold confetti (to make LiLo feel more at home, that person should have thrown cocaine). Now, Norton, the computer security software company, has teamed up with LiLo to pitch its new software, citing "dangerous, spy-ridden" websites that are often found in Google searches for celebrities. Y'know, this is brilliant...I don't think there's anyone else out there who knows viruses as much as LiLo.
Elsewhere in the hot messes, Rachel Uchitel, who was reportedly one of the first women to have an affair with Tiger Woods, is joining the cast of "Celebrity Rehab." No word yet what habit she's trying to kick, but I bet it's steroids. I hear those people like to take their shots in the ass.
Hey, send a sympathy card over to Fox News...Glenn Beck says he's going blind. He reported this week he's suffering from macular dystrophy. I don't know much about the disease, but I imagine the symptoms include crying on camera and an extreme inability to see anything from the left.
An unusual interview out this week by GQ with the king of "Caddyshack" and "Ghostbusters," Bill Murray. He did the voice of Garfield in the recent live-action film. But Murray says he did the film for an unusual reason...he wanted to work with a Coen brother. For those of you who don't know, the Coen brothers are the writers responsible for such big hits as "The Big Lebowski" and "Fargo." They have big reps in Hollywood, so there shouldn't be any doubt that Murray would want to work with them...except the writer who wrote the Garfield movie has the last name COHEN. With an H. Too much drinking before reading the contract apparently. GQ called Murray out, however, about his decision to go ahead and do the sequel to the Garfield movie. He couldn't answer that. In fact, he couldn't even NAME his co-star in the Garfield movie...a young, unknown actress by the name of JENNIFER LOVE HEWITT. Oh, yes, I can see where THAT would escape him, especially since he described her as having a "one-in-a-million" body. That's classy Bill Murray...no names, please, and pick up the $20 on the dresser on the way out.
Let's take a moment and give you something to do with your free time...there's a website that will analyze your handwriting and see what famous author shares your writing style. Just click on this site and have fun.
However, there are some things you should NOT be doing with your free time. Vodka Eyeballing, for one. Yes, some kids have decided to take vodka shots in the eye because they believe the eyes direct contact with blood vessels causes them to absorb the vodka faster and get drunk faster. Close. Doctors say it really only causes people to GO BLIND! On the plus side, there's apparently a future for those people waiting in the dictionary business or at Fox News. Fuckiots.
-B-
Sunday, July 25, 2010
Sunday, July 18, 2010
Beverly Hills, That's Where I Want To Be
Pardon my jetlagged ass, dear readers, but I just flew back from a weeklong trip to the "City of Angels" about 36 hours ago and I am BUSTED. Seriously, whatever made me think sitting on two flights for a collective five hours? I mean, ASIDE from going to L.A. and seeing people like Bob, the trainer from Biggest Loser, and Howie Mandel... Los Angeles is a pretty wild place. I met and saw some of the most interesting people (like the homeless crossdresser on Hollywood Blvd...no joke) and the most unusual things (like a big sign in the window of a store reading "Clearanse Sale" or the fact that some vandal decided a star on the famous Walk of Fame should be dedicated to "Anal Love"...still no joke). I'm not sure if I could survive out there (oh, the temperatures were SO much more comfortable than this steaming pile of Charlotte), but it was nice to visit. Thanks, Los Angeles, for some great memories...and horrifying nightmares.
Actually, I went with a buddy and met one of his friends from high school...who just happens to be a stand-up comic. She's a trip and a genuinely good person. She ordered our waitress's "award-winning salsa" (to be fair, it WAS good...and it had BLUE CHEESE in it!) and didn't even say a thing to that same waitress when she never returned with our award-winning WATER. Anyway, her name's Shawn Pelofsky and I wanted you all to meet her, so here's some of her stuff:
Hey, while I was in L.A., people thought it was okay to change the Thinking Hard office on me AGAIN. The couch is on the bed, the desk is upside down, my bottles of Jack are all empty...and one of the interns had to leave because of a freak attack by an alpaca. Intern Jessica, though we won't see you every day, you will constantly be in our minds...I'm going to bring you a couple of gifts in the hospital: an alpaca-wool sweater and a large selection of meat that tastes suspiciously like the sweater. Seriously, it won't be the same without you.
Anybody out there a fan of the wildly popular "Shit My Dad Says"? Well, now there's a version for the kids! It's called "Shit My Kids Ruined." It's a blog and, much like "Shit My Dad Says," it's going to be made into a book. Which means it's only a couple of years away from becoming a CBS comedy. I would put the link on the "Friends of the Show," but children frighten me enough as it is.
Some advice to the single...if you need a good pick-up line, try watching AMC's hit drama, Mad Men. The new season starts in a week and is REALLY good. Look, I'm a HUGE fan of the fast-paced whodunnit thrill-a-minute shows...and Mad Men is NOT that. But I started watching the drama set in the ad agencies of New York in the 1960s and I CAN'T STOP WATCHING IT. It is just that good...and I'm a BIG critic of TV and movies. So, for you single fellas out there, here are the pick-up lines of Mad Men:
I can't wait to try them all...they'll work, right?
-B-
Actually, I went with a buddy and met one of his friends from high school...who just happens to be a stand-up comic. She's a trip and a genuinely good person. She ordered our waitress's "award-winning salsa" (to be fair, it WAS good...and it had BLUE CHEESE in it!) and didn't even say a thing to that same waitress when she never returned with our award-winning WATER. Anyway, her name's Shawn Pelofsky and I wanted you all to meet her, so here's some of her stuff:
Hey, while I was in L.A., people thought it was okay to change the Thinking Hard office on me AGAIN. The couch is on the bed, the desk is upside down, my bottles of Jack are all empty...and one of the interns had to leave because of a freak attack by an alpaca. Intern Jessica, though we won't see you every day, you will constantly be in our minds...I'm going to bring you a couple of gifts in the hospital: an alpaca-wool sweater and a large selection of meat that tastes suspiciously like the sweater. Seriously, it won't be the same without you.
Anybody out there a fan of the wildly popular "Shit My Dad Says"? Well, now there's a version for the kids! It's called "Shit My Kids Ruined." It's a blog and, much like "Shit My Dad Says," it's going to be made into a book. Which means it's only a couple of years away from becoming a CBS comedy. I would put the link on the "Friends of the Show," but children frighten me enough as it is.
Some advice to the single...if you need a good pick-up line, try watching AMC's hit drama, Mad Men. The new season starts in a week and is REALLY good. Look, I'm a HUGE fan of the fast-paced whodunnit thrill-a-minute shows...and Mad Men is NOT that. But I started watching the drama set in the ad agencies of New York in the 1960s and I CAN'T STOP WATCHING IT. It is just that good...and I'm a BIG critic of TV and movies. So, for you single fellas out there, here are the pick-up lines of Mad Men:
I can't wait to try them all...they'll work, right?
-B-
Sunday, July 11, 2010
Welcome To Bizarro World
Thinking Hard will begin in just a moment, but first, a 23-hour special on where Lebron "If I Wish Hard Enough To Be King, I Will Be" James is playing next season for the NBA. It's the Miami Heat...now enjoy 22 hours and 58 minutes of footage from every single game James has played and his yearbook photo. Seriously, ESPN? You aired an hour-long special about where James would play next season? He's NOT Michael Jordan! He's NEVER going to be "like Mike." In fact, the only reason he's so revered in Cleveland as a "sports icon" is because Cleveland doesn't have SHIT for sports! Oh, wait, I'm sorry...apparently the Cleveland Indians have qualified this year for the big-boy table and will be playing in major league baseball...wait, I'm being told they HAVE been playing major league baseball...huh. Bonus points to the first person who can name an Indians player without using Google. In fact, the day before Lebron's "big announcement," a "story" "broke" that he opened his new Twitter account. Sports writer Mitch Albom (known perhaps best for stories that make me bawl like a baby, like "Tuesdays with Morrie" and "The Five People You Meet in Heaven") wrote: "Note to journalism students: when we celebrate investigative reporting, it's for issues like war crimes, nursing home scandals or police corruption. It's not to report that LeBron James has opened a Twitter account. But that was a 'major' headline Wednesday. And James' first Tweet was 'Hello World, the Real King James is in the Building Finally.' Honestly, who calls himself 'King'?" So, on behalf of all of us here at Thinking Hard...Lebron James, fuck you.
Now that I have THAT rant out of the way, I need to post another (bear with me)...Lindsay Lohan's going to jail. Ninety days for violating her probation. Ms. Lohan broke down in tears in the courtroom when she found out the actual CONSEQUENCES of her actions. Careful, LiLo, you're gonna melt your face. But at least you got your lesbian practice in with Samantha Ronson so you're ready for "Pat" in Cell Block A.
Hey, remember last week's blog when I wrote the New York Post was reporting Jay Leno has been bleeding NBC dry since his "triumphant return" to The Tonight Show? It gets better...Emmy nominations came out this week. Nominated: "The Tonight Show with Conan O'Brien." Not nominated: anything Jay Leno has done in the past year...that includes TWO shows. Maybe nice guys DO finish first...
Let's take a moment to talk current events. I want to update you on a very serious debate taking place right now in Arizona:
I wanted to give The Daily Show a double-shout-out today for two reasons: I needed to fill space; and the show has come under fire this week. The blog Jezebel.com put up a post recently that suggested there's some sexism at the show. Someone at the blog reportedly spoke to several former female staffers. So, in an open letter, 32 female producers, writers and production assistants wrote that the post was absolutely false and they are not mistreated. Now, I'm not saying the sexism doesn't exist there...I don't know. It might only be that certain women were targeted. I'm just here to report the facts. Also, I don't know that the show did itself any anti-sexism favors by hiring the curvy and young Olivia Munn. Yes, she's viewed as a sex symbol in the geek world. So, Daily Show, to quote a popular segment you occasionally run..."You're Not Helping!"
Hey, there's a new movie coming to theaters soon...it's called...let's see...oh, here it is..."Avatar." Wait, WHAT?! Yes, that's right. Due to what James Cameron calls "popular demand" (dammit, Pasquarella, STOP EMAILING HIM!), he's re-releasing the film with a BONUS EIGHT MINUTES of creature and battle content! Be sure to see the movie for that extra flying thing you didn't even notice was missing in the first movie...and keep your eyes peeled for an epic battle between Generic Army Guys #32-36 and Generic Alien Guys #54, 62 and 3. OH MY GWAD YOU GUYS!
You know what I enjoy? When graphic novels are made into movies. Now, generally, they're not very good. I went to "Watchmen" and while it DID stay spot-on with the source material, it was just as long. I could've sat in the theater and read the damn thing and been through it before the movie was done. But there's an unusual trend lately of turning book (ACTUAL books) into graphic novels (I believe that's called "lazy reading"). They did it recently with the "I'm told it's funny" novel "Pride and Prejudice and Zombies" (it's exactly what you think it is) and NOW they're making a graphic novel adaptation of "The Diary of Anne Frank." Now, I've read the story AND seen the play. But a graphic novel? REALLY? Are we going to give THAT to the kids to read in class? Wait, wait...does she fight zombies?
With that, Thinking Hard is going on vacation. See you next week!
-B-
Now that I have THAT rant out of the way, I need to post another (bear with me)...Lindsay Lohan's going to jail. Ninety days for violating her probation. Ms. Lohan broke down in tears in the courtroom when she found out the actual CONSEQUENCES of her actions. Careful, LiLo, you're gonna melt your face. But at least you got your lesbian practice in with Samantha Ronson so you're ready for "Pat" in Cell Block A.
Hey, remember last week's blog when I wrote the New York Post was reporting Jay Leno has been bleeding NBC dry since his "triumphant return" to The Tonight Show? It gets better...Emmy nominations came out this week. Nominated: "The Tonight Show with Conan O'Brien." Not nominated: anything Jay Leno has done in the past year...that includes TWO shows. Maybe nice guys DO finish first...
Let's take a moment to talk current events. I want to update you on a very serious debate taking place right now in Arizona:
| The Daily Show With Jon Stewart | Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c | |||
| Latino 911! | ||||
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| The Daily Show With Jon Stewart | Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c | |||
| Arizona's Photo Radar | ||||
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I wanted to give The Daily Show a double-shout-out today for two reasons: I needed to fill space; and the show has come under fire this week. The blog Jezebel.com put up a post recently that suggested there's some sexism at the show. Someone at the blog reportedly spoke to several former female staffers. So, in an open letter, 32 female producers, writers and production assistants wrote that the post was absolutely false and they are not mistreated. Now, I'm not saying the sexism doesn't exist there...I don't know. It might only be that certain women were targeted. I'm just here to report the facts. Also, I don't know that the show did itself any anti-sexism favors by hiring the curvy and young Olivia Munn. Yes, she's viewed as a sex symbol in the geek world. So, Daily Show, to quote a popular segment you occasionally run..."You're Not Helping!"
Hey, there's a new movie coming to theaters soon...it's called...let's see...oh, here it is..."Avatar." Wait, WHAT?! Yes, that's right. Due to what James Cameron calls "popular demand" (dammit, Pasquarella, STOP EMAILING HIM!), he's re-releasing the film with a BONUS EIGHT MINUTES of creature and battle content! Be sure to see the movie for that extra flying thing you didn't even notice was missing in the first movie...and keep your eyes peeled for an epic battle between Generic Army Guys #32-36 and Generic Alien Guys #54, 62 and 3. OH MY GWAD YOU GUYS!
You know what I enjoy? When graphic novels are made into movies. Now, generally, they're not very good. I went to "Watchmen" and while it DID stay spot-on with the source material, it was just as long. I could've sat in the theater and read the damn thing and been through it before the movie was done. But there's an unusual trend lately of turning book (ACTUAL books) into graphic novels (I believe that's called "lazy reading"). They did it recently with the "I'm told it's funny" novel "Pride and Prejudice and Zombies" (it's exactly what you think it is) and NOW they're making a graphic novel adaptation of "The Diary of Anne Frank." Now, I've read the story AND seen the play. But a graphic novel? REALLY? Are we going to give THAT to the kids to read in class? Wait, wait...does she fight zombies?
With that, Thinking Hard is going on vacation. See you next week!
-B-
Sunday, July 4, 2010
Bottom Chef
Hey, everyone...what's cookin' this 4th of July holiday? Let's start this special Thinking Hard recipe by warming up a pot on the oven. It'll require water...and a little oil. NOT TOO MUCH! Sonofa... okay, we'll try this AGAIN! While I re-heat the oven, why don't you guys try to figure out which a-hole let loose with the oil...
(Y'know, someday, the kids from Fox News are going to read my blog and send me a "Cease and STOP ENCOURAGING HIM" letter)
Hmm...it seems the oven isn't quite hot enough. Perhaps I could heat things up with a hotter new look for DC Comics' Wonder Woman. You remember Wonder Woman, right? A lot of red, white and blue in her outfit, lasso, bullet-resistant bracelets, not a lot of clothing...well, she's getting a redux and some say she looks better with MORE clothes on:
As long as this whole "new look" isn't a THING for the rest of the superheroes. I don't think I could handle seeing Batman poppin' his collar... Okay, so the water can still use some heat. Maybe I should toss in my TEMPER. I used to like Judd Apatow. I enjoyed "40-Year-Old Virgin" and "Knocked Up." Sure, I think it's a LITTLE obnoxious that he casts his wife in a lot of his movies. But THIS time, he's gone TOO far...Apatow says he's going to direct another movie featuring Pee-Wee Herman. I'm going to repeat that for those of you just picking yourselves off the floor: Judd Apatow is directing another movie featuring Pee-Wee Herman. Yes, THAT Pee-Wee Herman, who's DESPERATELY trying to come back from obscurity (and that whole "wanking it" thing in the movie theater). Well, Judd, you might as well have my idea for a movie title: "The 45-Year-Old Spurgin'."
Now we have the water boiling...and looks who's in the hot water already. It's Jay Leno. The New York Post (I know, not the most RELIABLE news source) is reporting that since Leno reclaimed the Tonight Show from Conan O'Brien four months ago, his ratings have been LOWER than the NBC-quote-"abysmal"-ratings that CoCo had before he got canned seven months into his deal. In fact, Leno's salary is reportedly DOUBLE what Conan's was. AND Leno has a bigger production staff than Conan. According to an "insider" quoted in the article, Leno's show is costing NBC $10-15 million MORE a year than Conan's. Hm. Hey, NBC, I've got an idea...how 'bout you offer Jay the same ridiculous deal as you offered Conan...get your ratings as high as EITHER of the two guys before you (yes, that includes himself) and you can keep your job. "Tonight's guests...KARMA!...SARAH PALIN!...and the music of TOBY KEITH! Now here's your host...JAY LENNNNOhmygod he just shot himself in the chin!"
We'll let Jay simmer in that water for a while. Oh, you want to know WHAT I'm cooking? No, no, that's a secret. But I'll give you a hint...here's my receipt for the ingredients. Important: read through all the fine print. If you have to, save it to your computer and make it larger:
All right, just a few more ingredients...y'know, I love cooking with alcohol. I'll occasionally toss in some tequila when I'm making pasta. But there's a new vodka out that just makes me nervous. The Alaska Distillery in Wasilla (you might remember Wasilla from such Sarah Palin speeches as "This is MY main street" and "See, this is where I stand to see Russia") has unveiled a SMOKED SALMON flavored vodka. Really? Ew. I mean, don't get me wrong...I'm totally into eating fishy pink meat...but AFTER I'm done drinking.
That's not even the weirdest thing in the food aisle this week...American Greetings is coming out with Tasties, greeting cards that have a dissolvable flavor strip inside that you're supposed to eat as you're reading the card. Some examples released by the company include cupcakes, doughnuts and margaritas (sorry, non-alcoholic). Just watch out for the one that says "Kiss My Ass."
Okay, it looks like this Thinking Hard stew is just about done...but I need one more ingredient:
Y'know, I'm not so hungry anymore. Happy 4th.
-B-
| The Daily Show With Jon Stewart | Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c | |||
| Blame | ||||
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(Y'know, someday, the kids from Fox News are going to read my blog and send me a "Cease and STOP ENCOURAGING HIM" letter)
Hmm...it seems the oven isn't quite hot enough. Perhaps I could heat things up with a hotter new look for DC Comics' Wonder Woman. You remember Wonder Woman, right? A lot of red, white and blue in her outfit, lasso, bullet-resistant bracelets, not a lot of clothing...well, she's getting a redux and some say she looks better with MORE clothes on:
As long as this whole "new look" isn't a THING for the rest of the superheroes. I don't think I could handle seeing Batman poppin' his collar... Okay, so the water can still use some heat. Maybe I should toss in my TEMPER. I used to like Judd Apatow. I enjoyed "40-Year-Old Virgin" and "Knocked Up." Sure, I think it's a LITTLE obnoxious that he casts his wife in a lot of his movies. But THIS time, he's gone TOO far...Apatow says he's going to direct another movie featuring Pee-Wee Herman. I'm going to repeat that for those of you just picking yourselves off the floor: Judd Apatow is directing another movie featuring Pee-Wee Herman. Yes, THAT Pee-Wee Herman, who's DESPERATELY trying to come back from obscurity (and that whole "wanking it" thing in the movie theater). Well, Judd, you might as well have my idea for a movie title: "The 45-Year-Old Spurgin'."
Now we have the water boiling...and looks who's in the hot water already. It's Jay Leno. The New York Post (I know, not the most RELIABLE news source) is reporting that since Leno reclaimed the Tonight Show from Conan O'Brien four months ago, his ratings have been LOWER than the NBC-quote-"abysmal"-ratings that CoCo had before he got canned seven months into his deal. In fact, Leno's salary is reportedly DOUBLE what Conan's was. AND Leno has a bigger production staff than Conan. According to an "insider" quoted in the article, Leno's show is costing NBC $10-15 million MORE a year than Conan's. Hm. Hey, NBC, I've got an idea...how 'bout you offer Jay the same ridiculous deal as you offered Conan...get your ratings as high as EITHER of the two guys before you (yes, that includes himself) and you can keep your job. "Tonight's guests...KARMA!...SARAH PALIN!...and the music of TOBY KEITH! Now here's your host...JAY LENNNNOhmygod he just shot himself in the chin!"
We'll let Jay simmer in that water for a while. Oh, you want to know WHAT I'm cooking? No, no, that's a secret. But I'll give you a hint...here's my receipt for the ingredients. Important: read through all the fine print. If you have to, save it to your computer and make it larger:
All right, just a few more ingredients...y'know, I love cooking with alcohol. I'll occasionally toss in some tequila when I'm making pasta. But there's a new vodka out that just makes me nervous. The Alaska Distillery in Wasilla (you might remember Wasilla from such Sarah Palin speeches as "This is MY main street" and "See, this is where I stand to see Russia") has unveiled a SMOKED SALMON flavored vodka. Really? Ew. I mean, don't get me wrong...I'm totally into eating fishy pink meat...but AFTER I'm done drinking.
That's not even the weirdest thing in the food aisle this week...American Greetings is coming out with Tasties, greeting cards that have a dissolvable flavor strip inside that you're supposed to eat as you're reading the card. Some examples released by the company include cupcakes, doughnuts and margaritas (sorry, non-alcoholic). Just watch out for the one that says "Kiss My Ass."
Okay, it looks like this Thinking Hard stew is just about done...but I need one more ingredient:
| The Daily Show With Jon Stewart | Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c | |||
| Moment of Zen - Joachim Jogi Loew Picks His Nose | ||||
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Y'know, I'm not so hungry anymore. Happy 4th.
-B-
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