Sunday, April 29, 2012
So, "World Peace"...that's an IRONIC name change, right?
Welcome back, sports fans, to Thinking Hard. A quick update since I'm sure you're all following the stats: Thinking Hard has almost 7,900 pageviews! (since its inception several years ago) Keep working hard, dear readers, and we should hit the 10K mark by...say...2015?
As I watch this season's political race, it reminds me a lot of a sports tournament. The NBA playoffs, if you will. Several contenders enter the fray, and then, one by one, they are whittled down to an eventual champion. A couple of weeks ago, Rick Santorum bowed out of the race. This week, Newt "He's Got The Cutest Little Baby Face..For A Philanderer" Gingrich plans to step out. And then there were two: Mitt Romney vs. presumptive winner Ron Paul. I'm, of course, kidding. Ron Paul is only still in the race because he has nothing to do with his retirement time...what? oh...I'm being told Paul is NOT retired...my bad. Anywho, this all but lays out an Obama vs. Romney battle royale for the White House in November. Thinking Hard's political views notwithstanding, it should be a VERY interesting campaign from both men...if anybody still gives a shit. Honestly, with all of the lead-up to the selection of the GOP candidate, it's made the republican camp look a little like an in-fighting train wreck. Now THAT'S interesting.
Y'know, with a name like "Metta World Peace" (which, by the way, is the SECOND-DUMBEST name ever, right behind "Slutty McWhoresalot"), one would expect a kinder, gentler NBA player than the man formerly named Ron Artest. Because, well, he has WORLD PEACE in his damn name! So, let's check out the latest act of World Peace on the basketball court:
And in other news, NATO has announced plans to start throwing elbows at the president of Iran. By the way, if anybody still gives a shit, World Peace has been suspended in the NBA. (I love the way that sounds)
And, finally, the other major story coming out of sports this week...makes me want to stab myself in the face:
Okay, one, a crying kid should only make the headlines if someone (read: me) has dropkicked them off a 5-story building. Hey, don't judge...KIDS BOUNCE! Two...really? If I could vote to have 5 random people removed from the face of the planet, it would be the whiny little brat who doesn't even UNDERSTAND the concept of a baseball thrown into the stands (he JUST WANTS IT! GIMME!!! WAAAAAAAA!!!), the two parents who (much like MANY parents nowadays) just can NOT get fucking CONTROL OF THEIR CHILD, and the douchebag who got the ball and started taking pictures of his soon-to-be trophy wife holding it. First, get used to that, pal, because she's going to be holding tight to MORE of your balls very soon. Second...it's a BALL AT A RANGERS GAME. Who the fuck are the Rangers? You're probably the same asshole who gets excited by getting to touch a member of the LOSINGEST-RECORD-EVER Charlotte Bobcats! How bad must YOUR life suck? But, hey, to his credit, he says he never even heard the boy crying. Dude, if you have THAT talent, can you teach me...so I can walk through Target without jumping into a murderous rage? "BUT I WANT IT!!!!!! WAAAAAAAAAAA!!!" Ah, children...the best reason for abstinence that I can think of. Hey, let's check in again with the whiny little brat and his parents. I'm sure their home life reflects something VERY healthy and the parents actually have great control of the boy, right?...
Yup, totally healthy. Hey, Rangers, any chance you can start a "Free Leash For The Kid" Night at your regular season games? Like EVERY game?
-B-
Sunday, April 22, 2012
Let's All Go To Court
Hey, welcome back to the party! It feels like forever since I last saw you! What's it been...a week? Two?
In case you haven't heard by now, George Zimmerman was granted bail in the shooting death of Trayvon Martin. His attorney hopes to have him out of jail by this week. I was a little surprised by a story I JUST SAW on CBS News that shows people in Sanford, Florida, are a little sick of all the bad press their city is getting...y'know, because an unarmed teen was shot and killed there. Also unusual...the CBS reporter asked 7 black people if they thought Zimmerman should have been given bail. Six of them said yes. I say it's unusual because Martin's family has been playing the FUCKING RACE CARD ever since the shooting happened. Look, I get it, there's a good chance Zimmerman was following Martin because he was wearing a hoodie and was black. Zimmerman is SO not in the clear here, and will probably get jail time for manslaughter. But for Martin's family to come out for weeks after the shooting and claim they're not getting "justice" (however they choose to define it) because their son was black...that's unnecessary. Accusing someone of being racist leaves a little feeling of "Wait, isn't THAT a little racist to be accusing someone ELSE of racism?" I'm gonna quote Avenue Q here: everyone's a little bit racist. AT LEAST a little bit. Some people are overcompensating for others. But it doesn't mean we all go around committing hate crimes. So how 'bout we all just chill out and go watch a Tyler Perry movie together, followed by a Tom Cruise movie. Like "Vanilla Sky."
That creepy guy at work who keeps flirting with you? Bored. Just bored. He doesn't necessarily want to get in your pants. A new study in the U.K. shows men flirt with women at work because they are bored with their jobs and they're just looking for something to entertain them. So, women, there you go: we don't want it from you...unless you offer it up.
And now, our Inappropriate Advertising Idea Of The Day comes to us from a sunglass maker in China. See if YOU can spot the HORRIBLE idea in this ad:
Hint: it's using the BLIND WOMAN to sell SUNGLASSES.
Why is the Avengers movie SO far away????
-B-
In case you haven't heard by now, George Zimmerman was granted bail in the shooting death of Trayvon Martin. His attorney hopes to have him out of jail by this week. I was a little surprised by a story I JUST SAW on CBS News that shows people in Sanford, Florida, are a little sick of all the bad press their city is getting...y'know, because an unarmed teen was shot and killed there. Also unusual...the CBS reporter asked 7 black people if they thought Zimmerman should have been given bail. Six of them said yes. I say it's unusual because Martin's family has been playing the FUCKING RACE CARD ever since the shooting happened. Look, I get it, there's a good chance Zimmerman was following Martin because he was wearing a hoodie and was black. Zimmerman is SO not in the clear here, and will probably get jail time for manslaughter. But for Martin's family to come out for weeks after the shooting and claim they're not getting "justice" (however they choose to define it) because their son was black...that's unnecessary. Accusing someone of being racist leaves a little feeling of "Wait, isn't THAT a little racist to be accusing someone ELSE of racism?" I'm gonna quote Avenue Q here: everyone's a little bit racist. AT LEAST a little bit. Some people are overcompensating for others. But it doesn't mean we all go around committing hate crimes. So how 'bout we all just chill out and go watch a Tyler Perry movie together, followed by a Tom Cruise movie. Like "Vanilla Sky."
That creepy guy at work who keeps flirting with you? Bored. Just bored. He doesn't necessarily want to get in your pants. A new study in the U.K. shows men flirt with women at work because they are bored with their jobs and they're just looking for something to entertain them. So, women, there you go: we don't want it from you...unless you offer it up.
And now, our Inappropriate Advertising Idea Of The Day comes to us from a sunglass maker in China. See if YOU can spot the HORRIBLE idea in this ad:
Hint: it's using the BLIND WOMAN to sell SUNGLASSES.
Why is the Avengers movie SO far away????
-B-
Sunday, April 15, 2012
Wait Until We Get To The Second Half!...I Quit.
That's right, ladies and gentlemen, if you haven't heard by now, the race for the White House is one man shorter. Perpetual rat-imitator Rick Santorum announced this week he's suspending his campaign (read: he's dropping out). Now I really thought that was interesting, considering he was dropping lines like "We're gonna come back in the second half" after Mitt Romney had a pretty successful Super Tuesday. What Santorum MEANT to say before the microphone cut out was "We're gonna come back in the second half...and quit." So now it's Mitt vs. Newt vs. Ron (Paul...y'know, the guy who's basically been ignored by the media) for the right to face President Obama in November...so, basically, it's Mitt. This whole thing is pretty cray-cray (crazy...I want you people to be able to communicate with the youth of America). I would've figured Newt and Ron (Paul...oh, COME ON! He was doing OKAY!) would drop out first. But no. Rick "Frothy-Poo" Santorum (look it up on urbandictionary.com) is the first to look at reality and say "Y'know what? I'm getting punched in the face pretty heavily here. Maybe I should just kinda back off." Good for him for facing reality. We do have a clip of one voter so shocked, he couldn't stop texting his friends...even in the face of certain danger (I tried to embed this video, but stupid KTLA doesn't have an "embed" function. So you'll just have to click the link and watch the video there).
Another REALLY big story...George Zimmerman was officially charged with second-degree murder in the shooting death of Florida teen-in-a-hoodie Trayvon Martin. 'Bout time. Now, one might assume that Zimmerman's arrest might finally END all of the pro-Trayvon rallies. One might be wrong. We're still waiting for an end to the rallies...oh, wait, I've just received an angry email from the group "Justice For Justice For Trayvon Rallies." Apparently they're just looking to join up with the Occupy Wall Street folks. But that one douchebag in the Occupy protests just can't stop himself from bringing his "Taste The Rainbow...Colored Bullets" sign. To be fair, that guy thought it was funny to start with and keeps getting egged on by his neighbors to take the sign into more dangerous neighborhoods.
And now for our new segment..."Really? Again with the new segment? Didn't that NOT work last time???"...
And now for our new segment, "The End Of This Week's Blog."
-B-
Another REALLY big story...George Zimmerman was officially charged with second-degree murder in the shooting death of Florida teen-in-a-hoodie Trayvon Martin. 'Bout time. Now, one might assume that Zimmerman's arrest might finally END all of the pro-Trayvon rallies. One might be wrong. We're still waiting for an end to the rallies...oh, wait, I've just received an angry email from the group "Justice For Justice For Trayvon Rallies." Apparently they're just looking to join up with the Occupy Wall Street folks. But that one douchebag in the Occupy protests just can't stop himself from bringing his "Taste The Rainbow...Colored Bullets" sign. To be fair, that guy thought it was funny to start with and keeps getting egged on by his neighbors to take the sign into more dangerous neighborhoods.
And now for our new segment..."Really? Again with the new segment? Didn't that NOT work last time???"...
| The Daily Show with Jon Stewart | Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c | |||
| Why? - CNN's Branded News Segments | ||||
| ||||
And now for our new segment, "The End Of This Week's Blog."
-B-
Saturday, April 7, 2012
Now Co-Hosted By Katie Couric
...or maybe Sarah Palin. Whichever of the weird-looking chicks shows up here can write the blog. But I doubt either of them will show, considering they both pulled early morning hours this week. Katie Couric co-hosted Good Morning America and made a few jokes about Matt Lauer and Al Roker. Meanwhile, over on the The Peacock, Sarah Palin co-hosted (and I use that term VERY loosely) The Today Show. Basically, it was just a shitload of interview segments getting her reaction to Mitt Romney...Barack Obama...cake... And the real losers here? Besides the viewers who don't give a shit about whether Katie Couric reads magazines or Sarah Palin's colonoscopy? (wait, I'm being told I have that backwards...so which one can see 30 Rock from her backyard?) It's CBS. Its big coup of the week was getting the best friend of morning co-anchor Gayle King OPRAH WINFREY to sit down and defend her shitty OWN channel that even makes the Lifetime Network seem friendly to men. Oh, and another morning, they interviewed Oprah's husband, Steadman, because...well...um...he was there? Anywho, I'd give CBS credit for not stunt-casting its morning show and sticking with the "we're going to bring you ACTUAL news" mentality they claim to have...except they interviewed Oprah and Steadman...separately. So, um, go team? What say you? Would you rather watch Couric...Palin...Oprah...or two fat hairy gay italian dudes (whom I will call "Mario" and "Luigi") cleaning out your pipes in the nude?
Hey, speaking of NEWS, the Supreme Court is trying to decide if President Obama's health care law that requires every american to buy health insurance or pay a fine (so essentially you're out the money either way) is constitutional. High Court hearings can be a bit dull. I really wish they turned out like The Daily Show's version of the story...
One other big story that WON'T GO AWAY is the Trayvon Martin shooting. A group here in Charlotte actually made an acronym out of HOODIE that's something random and anti-racist, but I wasn't paying attention because I was busy eating Skittles and drinking iced tea. Anywho, the media's REALLY getting a newsgasm over this story. And as always, with live TV news, ANYTHING can happen...
Also, quick side-note, I used TWO clips from the Daily Show this week because:
1. my tablet refused to let me copy them in LAST week.
2. I'm lazy.
and 3. The Daily Show is coming to Charlotte and I would REALLY like a job with them, so I'm hoping that fervent use of their clips in this blog will draw their attention...or at the very least, a cease and desist letter. Please start lobbying Jon Stewart now to hire me. Thanks.
I would like to take a moment to say something very important: it's really hard to be as pretty as me. Yes, when I walk into a closet and I'm the prettiest one there, I get these really mean looks from the coats that are just hanging there, judging me, calling me a whore. Then I accept an offer by the coat rack to buy me a drink and rub it in all their faces. This, ladies and gentlemen, is only SLIGHTLY less ridiculous than what a british blogger claims. Here's a picture of the offender:
Here is the article Samantha Brick wrote. Perhaps in England, it's like "police" are "bobbies" and "apartments" are "flats" and, in this case, "beautiful" means "butt-fucking ugly" (which I will heretofore refer to as "bufugly"). Now, let me say, in this day and age, I appreciate a woman who has self-confidence (though I am more likely to walk up to a cute wallflower and offer her my roofies). For as many female pity-parties as I have been in (inadvertent) attendance to over the years, it's nice to see women who are confident they are attractive. HOWEVER, there also needs to be something said for women who keep their egos IN CHECK. In her essay, she marks that there have been times when she's been the most attractive woman in the room. After a Google search, I found "The Room" is a gay strip club. Y'know, a place that would mostly only have MEN in it. Keep up...these are the jokes that are going to get me hired as a cameraman at Daily Show. Also, I can't help but note that this "beautiful" (again, read: bufugly, because it's going to catch on) woman settled for marrying a frenchman who's ten years older than she is. Also, in the picture, it appears she's SO beautiful he's afraid to touch her and taint that...or he's blind and has been told he's standing next to a frightened narwhal. Nice narwhal...who's a good narwhal? (actually, I think BOTH might be correct) Anyway, while I don't agree that the article went to print, I also don't agree with the backlash she's getting on the internet (stupid internet, with your bloggers who can just say whatever they want and get away with it in the hopes that he'll be hired at Comedy Central...oh...). As you can imagine, it's a LOT of backlash. So I'll say this...Elephant Woman, you probably ought to move. Like to Bangladesh. Or Japan...where you can blend in with the other victims of last year's nuclear poisoning. You could always come to the United States, where beauty is honored on national TV. And I'm not talking about pageants. I'm talking about a nationwide nomination for Person of the Week...
But you have to be REALLY pretty and self-absorbed for that. So, hey, there's a career in TV news waiting for you. As the first narwhal-anchor-reporter.
-B-
Hey, speaking of NEWS, the Supreme Court is trying to decide if President Obama's health care law that requires every american to buy health insurance or pay a fine (so essentially you're out the money either way) is constitutional. High Court hearings can be a bit dull. I really wish they turned out like The Daily Show's version of the story...
| The Daily Show with Jon Stewart | Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c | |||
| Hot Docket - Animating the Health Care Hearing | ||||
| ||||
One other big story that WON'T GO AWAY is the Trayvon Martin shooting. A group here in Charlotte actually made an acronym out of HOODIE that's something random and anti-racist, but I wasn't paying attention because I was busy eating Skittles and drinking iced tea. Anywho, the media's REALLY getting a newsgasm over this story. And as always, with live TV news, ANYTHING can happen...
| The Daily Show with Jon Stewart | Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c | |||
| The O'Donnell-Chair Interview | ||||
| ||||
Also, quick side-note, I used TWO clips from the Daily Show this week because:
1. my tablet refused to let me copy them in LAST week.
2. I'm lazy.
and 3. The Daily Show is coming to Charlotte and I would REALLY like a job with them, so I'm hoping that fervent use of their clips in this blog will draw their attention...or at the very least, a cease and desist letter. Please start lobbying Jon Stewart now to hire me. Thanks.
I would like to take a moment to say something very important: it's really hard to be as pretty as me. Yes, when I walk into a closet and I'm the prettiest one there, I get these really mean looks from the coats that are just hanging there, judging me, calling me a whore. Then I accept an offer by the coat rack to buy me a drink and rub it in all their faces. This, ladies and gentlemen, is only SLIGHTLY less ridiculous than what a british blogger claims. Here's a picture of the offender:
Here is the article Samantha Brick wrote. Perhaps in England, it's like "police" are "bobbies" and "apartments" are "flats" and, in this case, "beautiful" means "butt-fucking ugly" (which I will heretofore refer to as "bufugly"). Now, let me say, in this day and age, I appreciate a woman who has self-confidence (though I am more likely to walk up to a cute wallflower and offer her my roofies). For as many female pity-parties as I have been in (inadvertent) attendance to over the years, it's nice to see women who are confident they are attractive. HOWEVER, there also needs to be something said for women who keep their egos IN CHECK. In her essay, she marks that there have been times when she's been the most attractive woman in the room. After a Google search, I found "The Room" is a gay strip club. Y'know, a place that would mostly only have MEN in it. Keep up...these are the jokes that are going to get me hired as a cameraman at Daily Show. Also, I can't help but note that this "beautiful" (again, read: bufugly, because it's going to catch on) woman settled for marrying a frenchman who's ten years older than she is. Also, in the picture, it appears she's SO beautiful he's afraid to touch her and taint that...or he's blind and has been told he's standing next to a frightened narwhal. Nice narwhal...who's a good narwhal? (actually, I think BOTH might be correct) Anyway, while I don't agree that the article went to print, I also don't agree with the backlash she's getting on the internet (stupid internet, with your bloggers who can just say whatever they want and get away with it in the hopes that he'll be hired at Comedy Central...oh...). As you can imagine, it's a LOT of backlash. So I'll say this...Elephant Woman, you probably ought to move. Like to Bangladesh. Or Japan...where you can blend in with the other victims of last year's nuclear poisoning. You could always come to the United States, where beauty is honored on national TV. And I'm not talking about pageants. I'm talking about a nationwide nomination for Person of the Week...
But you have to be REALLY pretty and self-absorbed for that. So, hey, there's a career in TV news waiting for you. As the first narwhal-anchor-reporter.
-B-
Sunday, April 1, 2012
Update: Trayvon Martin Was Pink Slimed
Have we heard enough about the Trayvon Martin case yet? No? Look, here's my quick take...I'm sure the kid was no angel, but the guy accused of killing him was told by 911 dispatch NOT to follow him! If he'd just opened his ears and not tried to play vigilante, we wouldn't be here. That said, how about a new comic/film idea called Neighborhood Watchmen?? The big blue guy can simply evaporate any suspicious characters. No body, no riot. But the real criminal act is the way the media covers this story...
| The Daily Show with Jon Stewart | Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c | |||
| C.N.I.: Cable News Investigators & Dick Cheney's Heart | ||||
| ||||
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