You Feel Good (or Going OCD On The NCAA)

I'd like to start this installment of Thinking Hard with an update. Last week, you might remember we showed a clip from The Daily Show (or as I like to call it, The Thinking Hard New York Bureau) in which Jon Stewart criticized Fox "News" commentator Bernard Goldberg ("Bernie" to his friends, "That Angry Jew" to his enemies). It seems Mr. Goldberg has something to say to refute Mr. Stewart:

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
Bernie Goldberg Fires Back
www.thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor Tea Party

(Where can I hire that choir? There are a couple of people I work with who should hear them perform...)

If you're like me, you're a fan of television...and blogging in your underwear. If you like television, there's a good chance that Thursday nights blow your DVR to pieces with endless offerings of quality programming. The 9pm EST hour is especially rough on my DVR because I enjoy The Office on NBC, Fringe on Fox, Supernatural on the CW (don't judge) and CSI on CBS. My DVR can only record two channels at a time, so I'm forced to go to the interwebs to see the rest of my favorite shows. Sites like Hulu are great for that. Limited commercials. Quick posting of new shows. What's not to love? Oh...HULU'S TOYING WITH THE IDEA OF A $10 SUBSCRIPTION!!!! Now, to be fair, I could still watch the five most recent episodes of my favorite shows for free. But the older episodes? Yup, I'm paying for it. What the hell, Hulu? Why am I going to buy the cow when I can get the milk for free somewhere else?

Speaking of things I just don't understand, how about basic math? The NCAA announced this week it plans to increase the number of teams in the March Madness tournament to 68. Currently, 64 teams participate in the main tournament (with one play-in game). That's four regions of 16 teams, making for 8 first round matches. It's a nice even number. Now, let's look at how many teams each region would have for 68 total teams...let's see, carry the one...17. And that makes...subtract the three...8 and a half first round games. Wait, WHAT??? Eight and a HALF??? Great, now I'm going to have to change the Hottest Mess Tournament line-up to include someone's top or bottom half...and let me tell you, NEITHER half of Lindsay Lohan looks that appealling. Though, on the plus side, we can save the environment and cut down on the plastic use by only using half of Heidi Montag. I'm thinking bottom half.

You know who else doesn't understand basic math? Goldman Sachs. Big surprise: the government's investigating the banker and it appears the company might have profited from the housing collapse. I believe Jon Stewart has a segment designed especially for Goldman Sachs:

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
These F@#king Guys - Goldman Sachs
www.thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor Tea Party

(It's like buying a Whopper at Burger King and getting a milkshake instead.)

Speaking of "These Fucking Guys," Arizona state lawmakers have passed a bill to make sure only AMERICANS make it on their election ballots. Fair enough...they're a border state and want to make sure an illegal immigrant doesn't come across the border and do a politician's job for less money (though I DO like that idea). So who are they targeting with this bill? Let's see...PRESIDENT OBAMA? These fucking guys. The bill would require anyone who wants on ballots for president in Arizona to present a birth certificate to prove they were born in the U.S. of A. That's an issue that the GOP has brought up, claiming Obama was not born in the U.S. Ummm...okay. Really, Arizona? Well, this should be simple enough to solve. All Hawaii has to do is keep sending out copies of Obama's birth certifi...WHAT?? Apparently the Hawaii state legislature voted to IGNORE requests for copies of Obama's birth certificate! (although, I'm sure they'd make an exception in the case of Arizona's ballots) Seriously??? Are there THAT many people out there who think Obama WASN'T born here??? Well, there were 58 million people who voted against him... that'd be a lot of stamps.

You know what I hope to be on one day? Wheel of Fortune. Especially if THIS is my competition:



Seriously, TWO of them couldn't figure it out??? By the way, you can find six other AWESOME Wheel Fails at this link.

Hey, you know what NOT to do when there are live nude performers at the Museum of Metropolitan Art in New York? Touch them! One performer told the the New York Times that an elderly man rubbed his ribs and then touched his backside. "As he was passing me he looked me in the eyes and said 'You feel good, man.'" The performer alerted a security guard and the man was escorted out, his 30-year membership of the museum revoked. Y'know, that reminds me of someone on one of my favorite TV shows:



While we're on the subject of animated humor, let's talk about South Park's recent 200th and 201st episodes...and why some muslims REALLY need a sense of humor:

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
South Park Death Threats
www.thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor Tea Party

It's a Daily Show Trifecta! Hey, everyone that pisses me off at work? "Gooooooo Fuuuuuuuuuucccccckkkkkk Yourselfffffffffffffffffffffffff."

-B-

Don't You Know Your "Alice in Wonderland?"

Only CRAZY people host tea parties!

This is a public service announcement from your friends at Thinking Hard: Your taxes are now officially late. Maybe THAT'S why a crapload of people took the day off being PRODUCTIVE at work Thursday to take part in special Tax Day Tea Party Protests. Wait, no...I'm being told those people are unemployed...or so rich, they only have to work two days a year. Yes, the biggest group of people I've ever seen SO interested in bagging tea protested all across the country this week. They're upset about government taxes and spending, which is SO different from the past 200+ years...because now they have a sponsor: Fox "News." Hey, if anyone should be pissed off about the federal taxes, it should be President Obama. Like many others, he paid about 1/3 of his income to the IRS...which came out to about $1.8 MILLION DOLLARS! Holy shit! Hey, the next time I bitch about paying the feds $1,000, somebody punch me in the face. You can practice at the tea party protests in YOUR neighborhood.

Actually, there's another "tea party" movement starting...some people planned to infiltrate the tea party protests and say ridiculously stupid things during interviews. The goal: make the protesters look "more dumb" (yes, Jessica, I did learn this week from you that "dumber" isn't an actual word) than they actually are. You might think that statement is offensive, but I've seen the signs...these people need to hire spell-checkers. Anyway, the "Crash the Tea Party" movement wants to dismantle the teabaggers through nonviolent means...and scenes that I hope to all that's holy will make it on TV. The organizer said, "Every time we have someone on camera saying that Barack Obama isn't an American citizen, we want someone sitting next to him saying, 'That's right, he's an alien from outer space!'" But he was also quick to point out that not ALL teabaggers have serious mental and social issues. "Do I think every member of the tea party is a homophobe, racist or a moron? No, absolutely not," he said. "Do I think most of them are homophobes, racists or morons? Absolutely." Let's see what the teabaggers said in response: "Gandhi's quote is one we understand: 'First they ignore you, then they ridicule you, then they fight you, then you win." Really!? GANDHI??? True, Mohandas Gandhi (I ASSUME that's the Gandhi they're referring to) let his followers in anti-tax movements and civil disobedience. He also sometimes FASTED for his cause. I've seen some of these protesters...fasting for them is only getting TWO Denny's Grand Slam breakfasts every morning instead of THREE. In fact, Gandhi led his followers on a march in 1930 to protest the tax on salt. That march...lasted 240 MILES! Just THINKING about 240 miles gets these teabaggers winded. Gandhi had a dedication to his cause that the teabaggers will never have. Anybody notice we really didn't have a tea party movement until President Obama was elected? Until the first BLACK PRESIDENT was elected? Remember how people bitched up and down about THAT? Gandhi stood for peace and harmony across ALL religions and ethnicities. Yes, teabaggers, that includes the whites and blacks getting along. So before you expound your platform using a message from Gandhi, why not do your homework first...and while you're at it, check a dictionary to make sure the ONE WORD ON YOUR SIGN IS SPELLED CORRECTLY:



Let's get some more perspective on the tea party movement from Jon Stewart:

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
Tea America
www.thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor Tea Party

Also this week, President Obama made a move to get nuclear weapons out of the world. Once more...Jon Stewart:

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
A Farewell to Arms
www.thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor Tea Party

That's a little shout-out to those of you who read this blog and like science.

But let's not focus entirely on politics this week. Just days ago, it was announced Conan O'Brien will be returning to late-night...on the late-night television powerhouse, TBS. Yes, THAT TBS, which you watch for reruns of "The Office" and "Family Guy," as well as classic uproarious comedies like "The Bill Engvall Show" and "Tyler Perry's House of Payne." And don't forget the steady stream of big-screen blockbusters from such classic actors as Ben Affleck and Mel Gibson. FINALLY, TBS will get its own late-night talk show, a first for...wait, what???...TBS already HAS a late-night talk show?...who's George Lopez?...oh, THAT guy...they gave HIM his own show?...and why I am still stuck with this blo...well, I'm OCCASIONALLY funny!...well, at least Conan won't bump Lopez like Leno did to Cona...WHAT???...Conan's bumping Lopez??? Yes, that's right! Conan's new show will likely start in November at 11pm...which bumps Lopez to midnight (eastern time). Lopez is taking it well. He says he called Conan when the deal was being discussed and welcomed him to the network, knowing he'd probably be bumped. Lopez also said (I'm not kidding) it's a Latino dream to go to work an hour later.

Hey, I was checking out Google Earth the other day of...I think it was New York City...and I saw something so weird, I recorded it on my computer for you to check out:

Satellite Car Chase from Honest Directors on Vimeo.

Okay, I kid. That's actually Google Earth-ography with some computer animation. Hey, come on! Give me some amensty!

-B-

Masters Baiting

Hey, welcome back to Thinking Hard's coverage of the 2010 Masters Golf Tournament. Tiger's a few strokes behind (I guess rehab slowed him down), but he can still sink it in the hole if he works hard at it. Meanwhile, it looks like he's got a new sponsor:



Hot. Another golfer with impeccable aim for pretty much any open hole out there is Matt Kuchar. (file this one under "Things I Really Wish Were Caught On Video") Friday, Kuchar took his second shot on the 9th hole at Augusta... and the ball bounced once, bounced off a spectator's shoulder... and landed right in his soft drink! Even more ridiculous than the shot was Kuchar's reaction to it: he did NOT offer to pay for the spectator's drink, saying the drinks at Augusta weren't too expensive. Dick. Funny, though... Kuchar was paired with Tiger Woods. Tiger apparently thought it was hilarious when Kuchar said "How am I supposed to get the ball out?" Apparently Tiger was remember his first time with a mistress... or his reaction after his SUV hit that tree back in November.

Hey, speaking of tournaments, I think we found our new theme song for next year's Hottest Mess Tournament:



While we're on the topic of hot messes, let's see what some of the competitors are doing in the off-season...

Bristol Palin is taking to television. Not just in her guest role in "Secret Life of the American Teenager," which we first reported a few weeks ago here on Thinking Hard. No, now she's the speaker in a public service announcement against teen pregnancy. The new PSA is called "I Never Thought I Would Be a Statistic." I would've gone with "I Never Thought I Would Be an Alaskan Whore." Anyway, I appreciate the message she's sending out to children everywhere...including her own child, Tripp. Hey, Bristol, nothing says "I wish I never had you" like a public service announcement saying "Don't fuck it up like I did."

Sarah Palin, on the other hand, is jumping all over President Obama for his efforts to cut back nuclear weapons in the world. Last week, Obama and Russia's president signed a treaty to reduce the countries' nuclear arsenals by a third. Let's see how the world (and Palin) respond to that:

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
The Big Bang Treaty
www.thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor Tea Party

In fact, Wednesday on GOP News...I mean "FOX" "News," Palin compared Obama to a kid in a playground who is asking for a punch in the face. Dear, President Obama... pleasedon'ttakethehighroad, pleasedon'ttakethehighroad:



Maybe Ms. Palin would be better off focusing on her OTHER career path:



I think that channel will give Fox "News" a run in the ratings...

Hey, MTV's doing a new show...and no, it has NOTHING to do with music videos. Now, they're SPINNING OFF the "hit" show "Jersey Shore." They're casting for a PERSIAN-AMERICAN version! So, let me get this straight... the show that will in all probability be called "Persian Shore" will feature hairy guys who wear too much cologne and are mistaken for italians? Why not just save me stabbing my eyes out and put those guys on "Jersey Shore" too???

Now it's time to look at "Issues You Pretend To Be Interested In"...first up, global warming (with a special guest appearance for Charlotte-area readers):

The Colbert Report	Mon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c
Science Catfight - Joe Bastardi vs. Brenda Ekwurzel
www.colbertnation.com
Colbert Report Full Episodes Political Humor Fox News

Y'know, if that argument proves nothing else, it's that Accuweather does NOT have a good dental plan... but they WILL pay for a gym membership. That brings us to the hot topic of health care:

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
Inethical Basterds
www.thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor Tea Party

While we're talking about putting kids in therapy (no, this is NOT a catholic church joke)...





Maybe that girl should have been allowed to speak to an operator in India...

And now for two ridiculously cool pieces of video you should see this week. The first comes from "Late Night with Jimmy Fallon" and coincides with this week's return of Fox's "Glee." If you're not watching "Glee," you're missing out. Fallon has done a couple of parodies, but this one takes the cake if you're a fan of NBC's "Parks and Recreation":



Finally, do NOT piss off the video games:


PIXELS by PATRICK JEAN.
Uploaded by onemoreprod. - Independent web videos.

Video games do NOT *heart* NY.

-B-

The Final Four & The Finals

Welcome, readers, to the big enchilada. YES! It's Easter Sunday, and that means love, family...and the FINALS of the Hottest Mess Tournament! (also, if you're just too lazy to hide your Easter eggs...or find them...you can hire the big brains here at Thinking Hard to do it for you for five bucks...just like on fiverr.com)

Heidi Montag vs. Lindsay Lohan

This is going to be a tough match to call...since I vomit at the sight of BOTH of their faces. Seriously, can we put a minimum age requirement in for shitty plastic surgery??? Anyway, Heidi Montag seems set to run away with this one (after all, this is LiLo's third tournament...and she's already looking road-worn). But wait! I've just been handed this late-breaking update from the "Who Really Cares" Bureau...some media outlets reported this week that Heidi might be getting divorced from Spencer Pratt. Reps for the "popular" couple say that's just not true, but for a fleeting moment, it appeared that the walking robot became self-aware. And that's JUST the opening LiLo needs to kick her in the gut and piss all over her fallen body (c'mon, how many of us are really surprised that LiLo can pee standing up? It's just that she can't stand up and walk straight ANY OTHER TIME IN HER LIFE).

Winner: Lindsay Lohan

Snooki vs. Rielle Hunter

I spent the week with my head in a toilet after seeing that naked picture of the walking Chee-To last week. Snooki has a lot going for her in this year's tournament. She was involved in a fatal underage drunk driving crash investigation. She posed *urp* naked (seriously, gonna hurl). And watching her on "Jersey Shore" makes the Kardashians almost seem like "Masterpiece Theatre." But...Rielle Hunter...while Snooki's out-and-out GROSS with all of her clothes off, Rielle is flat-out CREEPY even WITHOUT taking off all her clothes...isn't that right, pink cat pillow?



Just the thought of that and John Edwards bumpin' uglies is enough to make me lose sleep for YEARS. So...

Winner: Rielle Hunter

So it's going to be Rielle Hunter vs. Lindsay Lohan in the finals. We'll check back for those results in a moment, but first, let's check in on what Sarah Palin's been doing since she got the boot from the tourney:

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
Lady and the Gramps
www.thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor Health Care Reform

I was kinda waiting to see if she spoon-fed McCain strained peas. He likes baby food.

In other news..."I'm gay," said singer Ricky Martin, reporting from obscurity. I don't know if he thinks this will help him sell more records, but I certainly know whose name is going to pop up more often on the search engines for gay internet porn.

Anyone remember the terrible "sci-fi" movie, "Battlefield Earth"? It had John Travolta in it and was backed by scientologists. It was based on a novel written by L. Ron Hubbard. And it was quite possibly the worst movie of all time. Well, the screenwriter of that abortion is coming out and APOLOGIZING now for the movie. J.D. Shapiro wrote a long public apology to the New York Post this week. In it, he explained how he hoped this film would be a great way to meet women (spoiler alert: it wasn't). He also said "no one sets out to make a train wreck," then followed it with "comparing it to a train wreck isn't fair to train wrecks, because people actually want to watch those." That reminds me of a certain morning news program I'm VERY familiar with...

Oh, hang on...we have someone calling into the show from the great state of North Carolina. This should be intelligent:

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
Fear of a Black C-SPANet
www.thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor Health Care Reform

Really? You wanted to bitch about black people and all you could come up with in terms of "clever" was "Black-Span"? You're a fucking idiot. (also, C-SPAN, if I may, you might want to consider SCREENING your calls)

Let's go to something VERY clever (or not)...the finals of the Hottest Mess Tournament 2010!

Rielle Hunter vs. Lindsay Lohan

Okay, let me be totally honest...when I set the brackets for this year's tournament, I knew Rielle Hunter was classless, but that's about as far as it went and I hadn't expected her to go very far in the tourney. THE NEXT DAY, the excerpts (and frightening pictures) from her GQ interview (that issue's only going to sell to creepy guys in their 60s) came out and I quoted disgraced governor and current disgraceful Celebrity Apprentice contestant Rod Blagojevich: "I'm sitting on a fucking gold mine here." Then I saw an interview with Lindsay Lohan on The Insider this week. Angry Black Woman From Some Reality Show reported live from Lohan's home and showed a SHITLOAD of boxes of shoes, clothes on hangers and a bunch of other crap and I realized: "Holy shit, Lindsay Lohan is a celebrity whore-der." She could get her own TLC show for that! Then there was a picture of Lohan out this week that captured something unusual on her shoes:



Comedian George Lopez joked (because that's what he gets paid to do) that it might be some spilled cocaine. Lindsay Lohan fired back on her Twitter page (because that's what she thinks she gets paid to do) that it was baby powder to make the leather more comfortable and that the joke was juvenile. First, LiLo, it's not that hard to believe that you spilled a shitload of cocaine on your feet, though I would have assumed you'd at least have TRIED to sniff it off. Second, that is a LOT of baby powder...and more of it is on your exposed ankle than on your feet. Did you hire a couple of blind people to be your new fashion designers? But the major tipping point in this match is that in all of the clothes LiLo has stored around her home...I didn't see once piece of clean underwear among them.

Winner and Hottest Mess of 2010: Lindsay Lohan!

Now, if someone could please pick Miss Lohan off the cactus so she can accept her trophy...

(Thanks, Holly!)
-B-