The Final Four & The Finals

Welcome, readers, to the big enchilada. YES! It's Easter Sunday, and that means love, family...and the FINALS of the Hottest Mess Tournament! (also, if you're just too lazy to hide your Easter eggs...or find them...you can hire the big brains here at Thinking Hard to do it for you for five bucks...just like on fiverr.com)

Heidi Montag vs. Lindsay Lohan

This is going to be a tough match to call...since I vomit at the sight of BOTH of their faces. Seriously, can we put a minimum age requirement in for shitty plastic surgery??? Anyway, Heidi Montag seems set to run away with this one (after all, this is LiLo's third tournament...and she's already looking road-worn). But wait! I've just been handed this late-breaking update from the "Who Really Cares" Bureau...some media outlets reported this week that Heidi might be getting divorced from Spencer Pratt. Reps for the "popular" couple say that's just not true, but for a fleeting moment, it appeared that the walking robot became self-aware. And that's JUST the opening LiLo needs to kick her in the gut and piss all over her fallen body (c'mon, how many of us are really surprised that LiLo can pee standing up? It's just that she can't stand up and walk straight ANY OTHER TIME IN HER LIFE).

Winner: Lindsay Lohan

Snooki vs. Rielle Hunter

I spent the week with my head in a toilet after seeing that naked picture of the walking Chee-To last week. Snooki has a lot going for her in this year's tournament. She was involved in a fatal underage drunk driving crash investigation. She posed *urp* naked (seriously, gonna hurl). And watching her on "Jersey Shore" makes the Kardashians almost seem like "Masterpiece Theatre." But...Rielle Hunter...while Snooki's out-and-out GROSS with all of her clothes off, Rielle is flat-out CREEPY even WITHOUT taking off all her clothes...isn't that right, pink cat pillow?



Just the thought of that and John Edwards bumpin' uglies is enough to make me lose sleep for YEARS. So...

Winner: Rielle Hunter

So it's going to be Rielle Hunter vs. Lindsay Lohan in the finals. We'll check back for those results in a moment, but first, let's check in on what Sarah Palin's been doing since she got the boot from the tourney:

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Lady and the Gramps
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I was kinda waiting to see if she spoon-fed McCain strained peas. He likes baby food.

In other news..."I'm gay," said singer Ricky Martin, reporting from obscurity. I don't know if he thinks this will help him sell more records, but I certainly know whose name is going to pop up more often on the search engines for gay internet porn.

Anyone remember the terrible "sci-fi" movie, "Battlefield Earth"? It had John Travolta in it and was backed by scientologists. It was based on a novel written by L. Ron Hubbard. And it was quite possibly the worst movie of all time. Well, the screenwriter of that abortion is coming out and APOLOGIZING now for the movie. J.D. Shapiro wrote a long public apology to the New York Post this week. In it, he explained how he hoped this film would be a great way to meet women (spoiler alert: it wasn't). He also said "no one sets out to make a train wreck," then followed it with "comparing it to a train wreck isn't fair to train wrecks, because people actually want to watch those." That reminds me of a certain morning news program I'm VERY familiar with...

Oh, hang on...we have someone calling into the show from the great state of North Carolina. This should be intelligent:

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Fear of a Black C-SPANet
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Really? You wanted to bitch about black people and all you could come up with in terms of "clever" was "Black-Span"? You're a fucking idiot. (also, C-SPAN, if I may, you might want to consider SCREENING your calls)

Let's go to something VERY clever (or not)...the finals of the Hottest Mess Tournament 2010!

Rielle Hunter vs. Lindsay Lohan

Okay, let me be totally honest...when I set the brackets for this year's tournament, I knew Rielle Hunter was classless, but that's about as far as it went and I hadn't expected her to go very far in the tourney. THE NEXT DAY, the excerpts (and frightening pictures) from her GQ interview (that issue's only going to sell to creepy guys in their 60s) came out and I quoted disgraced governor and current disgraceful Celebrity Apprentice contestant Rod Blagojevich: "I'm sitting on a fucking gold mine here." Then I saw an interview with Lindsay Lohan on The Insider this week. Angry Black Woman From Some Reality Show reported live from Lohan's home and showed a SHITLOAD of boxes of shoes, clothes on hangers and a bunch of other crap and I realized: "Holy shit, Lindsay Lohan is a celebrity whore-der." She could get her own TLC show for that! Then there was a picture of Lohan out this week that captured something unusual on her shoes:



Comedian George Lopez joked (because that's what he gets paid to do) that it might be some spilled cocaine. Lindsay Lohan fired back on her Twitter page (because that's what she thinks she gets paid to do) that it was baby powder to make the leather more comfortable and that the joke was juvenile. First, LiLo, it's not that hard to believe that you spilled a shitload of cocaine on your feet, though I would have assumed you'd at least have TRIED to sniff it off. Second, that is a LOT of baby powder...and more of it is on your exposed ankle than on your feet. Did you hire a couple of blind people to be your new fashion designers? But the major tipping point in this match is that in all of the clothes LiLo has stored around her home...I didn't see once piece of clean underwear among them.

Winner and Hottest Mess of 2010: Lindsay Lohan!

Now, if someone could please pick Miss Lohan off the cactus so she can accept her trophy...

(Thanks, Holly!)
-B-