What Exactly IS A "Shawty"?

Ohhh...it's a SHORTY. Now I understand. Well, in that case, this week's blog is probably gonna be a "shawty." Let's see, what do we have in the news...Mitt Romney makes a "Obama's birth certificate is fake joke"? Nah, been there, done that. Guy shoots and kills people in downtown New York City? Please...have you SEEN New York City? Terrorists don't kill people...disgruntled ex-employees with guns kill people. Two weeks of political conventions start this week? Meh. I'll already be dealing with that shit at work. I don't need to put up with it here in my playground... Oh, here's one: it was a bad week for the Armstrong family. Neil Armstrong...y'know, the first man on the moon?...passed away. Actually, I didn't realize he was still alive. He's been overshadowed so many times by Buzz Aldrin's appearance on "Dancing with the Meh." But Neil Armstrong was a pioneer. I mean, look at how many people we send to the moon and beyond now. NASA has so many more missions planned...what? Financial problems? At a place that builds giant fucking space shuttles and sends people into space for next-to-no-apparent reason? Huh. Okay, scrub that. NASA is trying to load astronauts in other countries' shuttles and the agency is also launching robotic rovers to other planets...which, if you think about it, was probably the more fiscally-beneficial idea. Should've started that one sooner...like, say, BEFORE the Challenger blew up. It's also probably a lot cheaper to fill out "piece of robotic equipment being launched into outer space" on the insurance forms than "living, breathing (for now) human getting launched into outer space." Lance Armstrong has been stripped of his Tour de France wins because he gave up fighting the accusations of doping against him. I would like to think it's because he couldn't keep affording the attorneys and scientists who might have been able to prove he wasn't riding his bike on "roid rage." But we'll never know. So I guess we STOP referring to it as the "Tour de Lance" now? And, finally, Stretch Armstrong found out his gift of stretching and contorting his body in hundreds of different ways...was actually a warning sign of a very serious form of cancer. When asked why he didn't immediately go to a doctor when he first started stretching, Armstrong replied, "Y'know, I was young and stupid. And I OBVIOUSLY wasn't going to give up something that allowed me to grab a woman's ass from clear on the other side of Starbucks..." Ah, Stretch Armstrong...the only toy that makes men grab their balls in pain. ...aaaaand I'm being told none of these Armstrongs are actually related. Well, at least that answers why Neil Armstrong didn't just STRETCH his way to the moon. -B-

Y'know What I Like? Cake.

Y'know what I don't like? When my cat throws up on my BRAND NEW COUCH. Would anyone be interested in a slightly used feline? Can also be shaved for purposes of making a hat... Well, we're getting into the thick of it, people. Next week is the Republican National Convention in Tampa, then a week after that, the unwashed masses of protesters storm Charlotte. I mean nothing by that other than the protesters will find it difficult to locate a public shower near the Democratic National Convention. So let's see how the campaigns are doing...with Joe Biden on the trail and Fox News bringing in keynote speakers for the republicans, including Sarah Palin...

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Democalypse 2012 - The New New Low Edition
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(I will tell you, someday, Fox News will offer me a ludicrously high salary and great job...and then someone will Google my name and find this blog. And then I will be unemployed. Side note: I was checking out what programs and devices you amazing people are using to read this blog, and I found one person found us using a PLAYSTATION PORTABLE! Outstanding! Thinking Hard...Proud To Be "Nerdy By Nature.") I seriously can't believe Palin is still around. Didn't we at some point say we don't give a shit about her opinion anymore? Wasn't it after she couldn't name a single magazine and called herself a victim of "gotcha journalism"? Didn't that happen just a short while after we heard "Hi, my name is Sarah Palin, and I've just been introduced as John McCain's running mate"? Anyway, The Daily Show is going to be in Tampa for the RNC...and then Charlotte for the DNC, where I'll be making my last-minute push to be hired. I'm thinking if I duct-taped and super-glued myself to the set, they wouldn't be able to get rid of me... As I stock up on glue and tape, here's what the Daily Show gang is doing to get ready for the big conventions:

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Hard News - Inside Correspondent Training Camp
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I'll watch that. What else is there? "Here Comes Honey Boo-Boo"? -B-

Really? That's The Running Mate You're Going With?

It's the changing of the season, Hard Thinkers. We've gone from Olympic-palooza to Lolla-Politic-a. The summer games officially end today. And to mark the occasion, Mitt Romney named his running mate yesterday. It's Wisconsin congressman Paul Ryan. You might know him as the really young looking guy in Congress who won't stop bitching about President Obama's policies. So, y'know, there's that. Plus side: at least we don't have another Sarah Palin VP candidate on our hands. Remember that chick? She was so DUMB... Anyway, yes, the Olympics are drawing to a close. And you know who's paying the price for the coverage? People working on late newscasts at NBC affiliates. The coverage has been going into the wee morning hours since it's scheduled to go until NBC gets bored and decides to let the affiliates do their thing. I'm sure some of the affiliates are bummed about having to stay late, but you, as a viewer, rarely hear about it...until now: Y'know, with the state of sports being cut on many local newscasts, that guy really ought to stop bitching and be glad he's getting a paycheck. Otherwise, his elderly butt would have been in bed 8 hours ago. Wait, maybe THAT'S why he's so cranky... Speaking of cranky, let's talk babies. More specifically, let's talk the number of people who can't help putting their babies' security at risk by posting photos of EVERY SINGLE THING their children do on Facebook, Twitter, Twitbook, etc. For those of you who are sick of it, might I recommend an awesome new app for your computers (essentially, for the Google Chrome browser) called unbaby.me. The app will remove all (or at least MOST...this IS technology we're talking about) the baby pictures that come up in your browser and replace them with something AWESOME, like bacon or sloths. You pick it. Actually, if I could see a picture of a baby wrapped in bacon, I'd be okay with it. And now, this week's moment of "Why Reporters and Photographers Deserve Hazard Pay"... What? Those greasy fuckers assaulted someone trying to show their shady business practices? I'm SHOCKED. Also: thanks for living up to your stereotype, guys. Greatest PR idea of the week: free vibrators. Trojan (y'know, the condom folks) set up HOT DOG CARTS in New York City this week to give out 10,000 free vibrators (that woman is going to be VERY happy...oh, wait, I'm being told it was only 5 to a customer...). That is, until New York City stopped the party. One quote I read this week went something like "Mayor Bloomberg doesn't want us to have large soft drinks, he doesn't want us to have vibrators, he wants to take away our fun." Or something close to that. So, for our new sponsor, Trojan, here's the AD for the VIBRATORS (I can't believe this is really a thing)... And now, perhaps one of my favorite moments from the Olympics. It's from the basketball competition, where it appears players from foreign countries are just plain SICK of losing to Carmelo Anthony and the rest of Team USA: A reminder to players...you must now protect THREE BALLS while you play on the court. Also, speaking of taking shots at the junk...

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Dick's Sporting Wood
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And I saved some of the best clips for last. Of course you remember the Chick-Fil-A debacle. Well, this is a good reminder that every asshole has an opinion, and assholes and the internet DON'T mix:

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Fast Feud Nation - Chick-fil-A & Social Media
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Fast Feud Nation - Jankin' It With Cameron Jankowski
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Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to enjoy my nachos...with homemade white cheese sauce. Want some? -B-

Thinking Hard: Ryan Lochte's Latest One-Night Stand

I don't know if you heard about the interview with USA Olympic gold medal swimmer Ryan Lochte's mom, but she said he basically has no time for dating, so he's usually more involved with one-night stands. In a separate interview, Lochte admits to sleeping in the nude and having sex with the lights on. This has been another moment of "Too Much The Media Tells Me About People." Hey, before we dive in today, any video gamers out there? I know a lot of the Hard Thinkers out there are familiar with pop tech culture through the past 20-30 years, so when I say "Sega Genesis," you probably recognize it as the home console that competed with the first Nintendo Entertainment System (NES). I was an NES owner and loved me some Super Mario, but Sonic the Hedgehog and other Sega games always intrigued me, especially since the NES controller had only two red buttons on it...and Sega added a third. Sadly, none of that matters when you hook up SHOCK COLLARS to the system!: That was done by a couple of French hackers, who will probably go on to use the technology to *ahem* MOTIVATE the French olympians who don't win a gold medal this year. Speaking of the Olympics, have you heard of badminton? Yeah, me neither. But I watched the game and it's a lot like indoor tennis/volleyball/shuttlecocking. Anywho, four different teams of 2 women have been DISQUALIFIED from the badminton games because they were cheating. And when I say cheating, I don't mean "doping." I mean "pretending to play very badly." Yes, the women forced themselves to stumble around and make errors so they could draw weaker opponents later in the games. Ah, so that's what Joe Biden is doing...lulling VP opponents into false senses of security. Or he's just an airhead. Whatev. Speaking of politics, Bristol Palin's short-lived reality show was only a precursor of MORE pain and agony from having to watch that dimwit on national TV. This week, ABC announced its "All-Stars" for the next season of Dancing with the "Stars," and Bristol Palin again made the list. Some day, SOMEONE will realize that having a Palin on television is comedy gold...but mostly from the people laughing AT the family. Hey, did you eat at Chick-fellatio this week?

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Fast Feud Nation
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Fast Feud Nation - Chik-fil-A Appreciation Day
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Y'know, what really makes me angry in all this is that it makes the news. I'll admit, I'm as guilty as any other news outlet. But neither side of this argument really matters in the grand scheme. Nor do people who email TV stations, accusing them of not running the story, when, in fact, the station is running the story every thirty minutes. People are dumb. Let's take a break from this ridiculousness to spend a little time with goats: Hey, just in, the US just won gold in EVERYTHING at the Olympics...wait, should I have said "Spoiler Alert"?...

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Spoiler Alert
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Actually, funny that the Daily Show addressed this because the web producer for the NBC station in Spokane, Washington, wrote on a blog that viewers who complained about spoilers being shown are "whiners." Love it. The Olympics, sadly, are news. Don't want to know what happened at the games? Does that supercede everything else in your life? Then stop watching news for two weeks. Because it's going to be on your TV, whether you piss and moan or not. Because random shit shows up on TV. All the time. If I were to tell you that comedian Zach Galifianakis did a competent job at weathercasting, you'd tell me to fuck right off. But this is the kind of random shit that shows up on TV...right before Will Ferrell ruins the Olympics: Side note: Mr. Ferrell and Mr. Galifianakis, you're welcome to come do weather and news at Thinking Hard anytime. Also, go see "The Campaign" in theaters, opening later this month (free plugs can be used as bribes). -B-