You Get The Best Of Both Worlds...If You're Bisexual

Sadly, this is not about Miley Cyrus, aka Hannah Montana, being bisexual. But I DID want to touch briefly on the latest controversy surrounding Billy Ray Cyrus' Achy Breaky Daughter.

Cyrus posed in what are being termed "artistic" photos taken for Vanity Fair by acclaimed photographer Annie Leibovitz. I've only seen two pictures. The first shows Miley and Billy Ray more-or-less lounging against each other while sitting/laying on the ground. Both are clothed (thank God..didn't we already get enough of Billy Ray in the '90s???), but they way their arms are "draped" (I used the quotes because they seem a little..um...awkward, but that's the term being tossed around by the media) around each other implies a little reverse-Oedipus-complex stuff going on. How long until we see Miley gouge out her own eyes? It's a little creepy.

But what's REALLY creepy is that OTHER pic of the15-year-old saccharin-sweet superstar. You've probably seen it... her naked back is show and she's looking at the camera like a leper while holding a sheet over her chest. My first thought? "Wow, another promo picture for the next Batman movie." Seriously, Miley looks like friggin' Heath Ledger as the Joker in The Dark Knight Returns. I mean, she always looked like she was storing nuts in those cheeks for the winter (hold all your nut jokes...the girl's 15!), but this picture makes it look worse! Whoever did her makeup in this picture should be shot. It looks like it was done by a blind orangutan with the world's first case of Parkinson's Tourette's Syndrome. She paler than usual and her lipstick is smeared all over the place. She shouldn't be embarassed because she's doing a little "Bareback Mountain" thing.. she should be embarassed by that makeup!

More pointedly, every guardian of Miley Cyrus who was on the set that day and even Miley herself say they saw digital proofs of the pictures on the set and said the photos looked "beautiful" and "artistic." But NOW Miley's all embarassed... probably because Disney caught a glimpse of the shot. Hey, at least she's not pulling a full "Vanessa Hudgens" frontal shot. But seriously, even if Miley had no idea what she was getting into, her "handlers" really should've said something. And now I'll be seeing those pictures in my mind when I go to bed at night... and crying myself to sleep.
-B-

Back From Vacation

Thanks for those of you who thought of me while I was at my sister's wedding. It's good to feel loved.

Actually, the trip was great. Part of it was spent celebrating my father's birthday, including a 9-hole round of golf on a day that reminded me why Chicago is called the "Windy City." The rest..all wedding. Bachelor party for my brother-in-law. Hanging at a hotel. Serving as groomsman and gettin' jiggy with it at the reception. If my sister and brother-in-law are reading this, I hope you're having a fun time in Hawaii!

Other thought of the day...I've seen they're planning to make a video game that's going to pit the characters of Mortal Kombat against the characters in DC Comics, like Batman and Superman.

What. The. Fuck.

It's like they tossed a bunch of video game franchises in a hat, pulled out two and decided to build a game around it. Sure, Street Fighter took on characters in Marvel Comics, like Spider-Man and the Hulk, a few years ago. THAT was well-received, so maybe this has a shot, but I doubt it. Maybe Mortal Kombat versus Pac-Man. And instead of blood, power pellets come flying out of Pac-Man's body.
-B-

I Lose More Of My Stuff That Way...

I'm referring, of course, to dating. We've all been there. We're seeing someone for any given amount of time...a year, a month, a couple of minutes, whatever. Our significant other/target of our stalking talks about something they like to read/do/play/eat and we think "Wow, I have one of those...I should loan it to my stalking target/significant other." And that, friends, is where we go inherently wrong in the dating world, for we are fortunate to ever see that stuff again.

See, for the most part, relationships don't work out (with the exception of 1... or 2...hey, I'm not here to judge). No matter how shiny and glossy that new boyfriend/girlfriend/pregnant man might seem, things are likely not to work out. Not that you can tell any of us that while we're in our "afterglow" stage of our relationships. You could tell me my girlfriend's a mass murderer and has an icepick laying next to the bed, and I'd say "Oh, that's nice. If I ever need an ice pack on my sore back in the middle of the night, she's willing to go get some for me. What a sweetheart!" Yes, there's no showing people the reality of the world while they're dating...so heed my warning well now while you're single: do NOT loan your stuff to someone you're dating unless you absolutely do not care if you see it again.

I've lost DVDs, books...and pants. Yes, pants, and don't you dare judge. I think I've even lost a pair of boxers...but they looked good on her! And break-ups are hard anyway, but if either party has hurt feelings over the whole thing, it is MUCH harder to retrieve your stuff. It's like keeping an ex's belongings fills one with a sense of self-satisfaction, a sense of "Ha ha, you might have slept with me, then broke my heart, but I have your Loverboy album, so there", followed immediately by a tongue stuck out of one's mouth. It's just like being back in elementary school, where we first learned that possession is 9/10's of the law. That, and licking someone's stuff makes them want it less.

But you must...repeat: MUST...set a dollar amount for yourself. Don't loan anything worth more than $20. Don't loan anything you can't replace (it was VERY difficult to get my high school class ring back from a college girlfriend). And, for the love of all that's holy, do NOT loan anything that has been given to you by a previous girlfriend/boyfriend. If they find it, it will not be pretty.

So, I'll never get my Harry Potter DVD back or my Lewis Black DVD, and I could always buy a new copy...but I don't think I will. After all, those things represent a happier time, a time when I didn't question what I said wrong or did to annoy my exes. I don't worry about whether I was snoring too loud or drooling on their hair in my sleep (don't judge me...it's not like I do it on PURPOSE). I don't question whether they think I'm a slob or a bad kisser. When I loaned those things to my exes, I was happy, and wanted to share that happiness in any way possible. And there's some part of me that hopes they still have my stuff...and remember when we were happy.
...and for the record, I'm a great kisser.
-B-

The Finals

Thanks for tuning in for the championship match of "Hottest Mess in Hollywood."

(7) Angelina Jolie vs. (6) Lindsay Lohan
A total underdog final this year, far surpassing the Barbra Streisand-Liz Taylor shocker back in the 70s. Wow, who will ever forget THAT one? If not for the age limits of the league, Taylor could have made another run this year along with Liza Minelli. Maybe I'll set up a "Classics" bracket next year. Anyway, let's get down to the nitty-gritty..
The jokes about Angelina Jolie being pregnant are wearing thin... and I'm starting to resort to the Pregnant Man jokes (like how he needs to shop at a Man-ternity store... or perhaps a Ma-Tran-ity store). But I can only kick Lohan so far before it gets redundant. And believe me, I can relate to a career where alcoholism becomes more attractive every day. Still, I fully expect the sky to turn blood-red the very second Jolie gives birth, so...
Your winner and champion: ANGELINA JOLIE! And here comes Jennifer Aniston to congratulate her!...why are her hands around Jolie's neck?...oh...
(Also, a follow-up to our number-one seed...Neil Patrick Harris says he hopes Britney Spears does NOT return to How I Met Your Mother. He doesn't have a problem with her, but he's not thrilled with the idea of stunt casting for ratings, citing examples like Cher on Will & Grace...also a sitcom where you can find a gay man. I agree. How I Met Your Mother is an enjoyable show that's written like the life I'm living, making it easier to relate. There's no need for the show to be Jumping the Shark at this point. And to nip this one before anyone thinks of it, no, I do NOT think they should write an episode called "Harold and Kumar Go To Barney's Sex Haven.")

Also, a programming note... my sister gets married in 8 days, and I will be in Chicago for much of next week. That means I will either a) not be posting regularly, or b) be posting drunk. One would be worth tuning in for, but I can't make any promises. Speaking of, today's Chicago forecast: snow. Today's Charlotte forecast: some clouds and 79 degrees.
-B-