I Lose More Of My Stuff That Way...

I'm referring, of course, to dating. We've all been there. We're seeing someone for any given amount of time...a year, a month, a couple of minutes, whatever. Our significant other/target of our stalking talks about something they like to read/do/play/eat and we think "Wow, I have one of those...I should loan it to my stalking target/significant other." And that, friends, is where we go inherently wrong in the dating world, for we are fortunate to ever see that stuff again.

See, for the most part, relationships don't work out (with the exception of 1... or 2...hey, I'm not here to judge). No matter how shiny and glossy that new boyfriend/girlfriend/pregnant man might seem, things are likely not to work out. Not that you can tell any of us that while we're in our "afterglow" stage of our relationships. You could tell me my girlfriend's a mass murderer and has an icepick laying next to the bed, and I'd say "Oh, that's nice. If I ever need an ice pack on my sore back in the middle of the night, she's willing to go get some for me. What a sweetheart!" Yes, there's no showing people the reality of the world while they're dating...so heed my warning well now while you're single: do NOT loan your stuff to someone you're dating unless you absolutely do not care if you see it again.

I've lost DVDs, books...and pants. Yes, pants, and don't you dare judge. I think I've even lost a pair of boxers...but they looked good on her! And break-ups are hard anyway, but if either party has hurt feelings over the whole thing, it is MUCH harder to retrieve your stuff. It's like keeping an ex's belongings fills one with a sense of self-satisfaction, a sense of "Ha ha, you might have slept with me, then broke my heart, but I have your Loverboy album, so there", followed immediately by a tongue stuck out of one's mouth. It's just like being back in elementary school, where we first learned that possession is 9/10's of the law. That, and licking someone's stuff makes them want it less.

But you must...repeat: MUST...set a dollar amount for yourself. Don't loan anything worth more than $20. Don't loan anything you can't replace (it was VERY difficult to get my high school class ring back from a college girlfriend). And, for the love of all that's holy, do NOT loan anything that has been given to you by a previous girlfriend/boyfriend. If they find it, it will not be pretty.

So, I'll never get my Harry Potter DVD back or my Lewis Black DVD, and I could always buy a new copy...but I don't think I will. After all, those things represent a happier time, a time when I didn't question what I said wrong or did to annoy my exes. I don't worry about whether I was snoring too loud or drooling on their hair in my sleep (don't judge me...it's not like I do it on PURPOSE). I don't question whether they think I'm a slob or a bad kisser. When I loaned those things to my exes, I was happy, and wanted to share that happiness in any way possible. And there's some part of me that hopes they still have my stuff...and remember when we were happy.
...and for the record, I'm a great kisser.
-B-