Whatchoo Talkin' 'Bout, Grim Reaper?

It's a sad day here at the offices of Thinking Hard...famous child actor Gary Coleman died Friday. Rarely have I seen a child actor squander his celebrity so much like Gary Coleman. In the past two years, I've seen this guy's mug shot, I've seen this guy show up with his crazy-looking wife on Divorce Court and I've seen this guy WALK OUT of an interview on The Insider. Yes, the guy who took his wife to DIVORCE COURT thought he was too good to finish his interview on THE INSIDER. So, current and prior child actors, take note...this is what NOT to do with your life.

Also, another passing...actor Dennis Hopper, known best to my generation as the guy who forced Keanu Reeves to keep that damn bus going at 50 mph in "Speed," has died. He's also well-known to my generation as the bad guy in "Super Mario Bros. The Movie," so you get a good idea of where his career has gone.

Enough doom, not enough gloom...BP says its "top kill" method of trying to seal off a rushing flow of oil with a wall of MUD did NOT work. I can't imagine why. What kind of brain trust do they have going on over there??? "Um, sir, I believe if we develop a large cork, we could stick one in each hole and go back to raping the American populace at the gas pumps." Seriously. It should also be noted that the Trans-Alaskan oil pipeline also sprung a leak in the past week (obviously overshadowed by a shitload of oil in the Gulf of Mexico). Now, I don't know much about science, but since the appearance of oil, haven't we KNOWN it's an environmental hazard and a limited resource? Shouldn't we have been developing NEW forms of energy? Like, I don't know...WIND??? At least you know that's consistently around! I'd suggest water, since 3/4 of the planet is made of it, however we'd probably use all of it up in a year...because we're awesome like that.

You know what I need right now? Some childlike joy. Something that can't POSSIBLY be offensive or inappropriate (as I have been known to be on many occasions). Ah, here, this is what I'm talking about...London unveiled its mascots for the 2012 Olympic and Paralympic Games:



Now that's what I like to see...good wholesome fun. There's nothing offensive at all about a tall, slender thing with only one eye...and it looks so polished...almost like a knob of sorts...I'M TALKING ABOUT A PENIS! These things look like a couple of penises! Seriously, they're cool-looking, but I'm just waiting for one of them to spit in my face.

Hey, quick quiz...what's the number-one activity done while driving? Give up? According to a survey, it's eating. Yup, a vast number of people say they eat their Whoppers behind the wheel. That number is much higher than the much-maligned-by-Oprah TEXTING. Maybe the queen of the "No-Phone Zone" should stop people from making trips to Starbucks on their way to work...and make their cars a "No-Scone Zone." (mmm...scones...) Also, 15% of the people polled admitted to SEXUAL ACTIVITY behind the wheel! (They don't call 'em "Hummers" for nothing...) Maybe Oprah also wants to have people sign the pledge to make their cars a "No-Bone Zone." (yup, inappropriate...and proud of it)

Speaking of bad ideas, Time Magazine just put out its list of the top 50 worst inventions of all time (I still think "oil rig" should make the list). Highlights include: Clippy, the animated paperclip "assistant" that keeps asking you if you need his help writing a letter (hey, nosey, get the fuck off my computer!); the Segway, which proved Americans (who are already out of shape) no longer need to actually WALK anywhere (I wonder if there's a weight limit to those things...and if I can get one with a seat...I just can't stand that long...oh, wait, it's called a WHEELCHAIR!); Auto-Tune (aw, come on!); the Ford Pinto (never again will a car be named after a bean); Red Dye No. 2, which was used in red M&M's...and thought by soviet scientists to be a link to cancer (ah, Russia, is there NOTHING you can't take the fun out of?)...there were no red M&M's for a DECADE!; Parachute jackets (what, no pants???...please, Hammer, don't hurt 'em); Tanning beds (giving even the WHITEST folks cancer for years); Crocs (try 'em on an escalator, kids!); Asbestos (yummy); Fake ponytails (I'm look at YOU, Kate Gosselin...); HeadOn (apply directly to the forehead); and the Snuggie for Dogs. Yes, I'm convinced owners who dress their dogs up already have mental issues...but to put a SNUGGIE on a DOG to keep its FUR WARM is just fucking stupid.

And now, a moment of "More Fucking Around With Kids"...



And now, a moment of "More Fucking Around With Adults." You KNOW you're having a bad day when THIS happens to you during a morning live shot...



At least she wasn't ticketed for groping an Olympic mascot behind the wheel.

-B-

Condescending Crybabies

Welcome to the 150th post of Thinking Hard! By this time, Andy and his expectant wife are back in the U.S. of A. So, welcome back, Andy and V!!!

You know what I have difficulty putting up with? People who think they're far better at their job than they really are. You know the people I'm talking about...those who would be gazillionaires if they were paid in self-worth instead of a yearly salary. Those who come into work late, leave early and expect others to do the bulk of the work for them. I'd like to take a moment to focus on one of them now...Megan Fox. You know this chick from...well, I guess mostly just the Transformers movies and that shitty horror flick she did...what was it, "Jennifer's Body" or something like that? Anyway, you can expect to see this trashy-looking chick in MORE shitty movies because she has officially bitten the hand that fed her. Yes, Fox apparently ripped on Transformers director Michael Bay after the second film. Check out what she had to say and make the call for yourself:

"He's like Napoleon and he wants to create this insane, infamous mad-man reputation. He wants to be like Hitler on his sets, and he is. So he's a nightmare to work for but when you get him away from set, and he's not in director mode, I kind of really enjoy his personality because he's so awkward, so hopelessly awkward."

If I may, that's really a backhanded end to that statement. That's basically saying "Well, he's a total dick on the set, but get him away from the set and he's socially hopeless." The crew of the film then released an open letter condemning Fox's statement, calling her the "grump of the set" and "thankless, classless and graceless." (Though, let's be serious...how much grace does she really need to make a pouty face on cue, scream for Shia LeBouf and pose in her undies in Maxim) Look, here's my take...I work behind the scenes in television. I know I can be difficult to work with. But that feeling STARTS with the a-holes who come into work and act like I haven't done a damn thing until they've walked in. I realize those people aren't watching me like a hawk to see what I do all day, but c'mon...how about a LITTLE credit?? Same for you, Megan...you might want to take a look at your attitude on set to see if there's anything YOU can do to improve the atmosphere before ragging on your director. Sure, you SAY you've decided not to be a part of Transformers 3...I'd wager they were halfway through filming before you even HEARD about a third movie. Although, with that attitude, I'm sure we could find you a high-ranking job in a newsroom somewhere...

Speaking of vapid news people, I LOVE when they're caught on camera doing something stupid. It generally means their lips start moving BEFORE they think about what they're about to say...like this (trust me, it's worth waiting for the end of the clip):



(Also, when did THIS start being classified as NEWS? They might as well have done some bullshit fluff piece about a NASCAR Hall of Fame opening...which qualifies INSTANTLY as "fluff.")

Hey, you know who likes to read? Pretty much anybody BUT the cast of MTV's "Jersey Shore." So it only makes sense, that the Jersey Shore...ers are coming out with a book of QUOTES from the show! Y'know, just in case you forget such classics as "I'm gonna fuck ya motha right in front a ya if ya don't get yo face outta my face" and "So what? I'll hit a fockin' chick!" I'd kinda like to see it outsell Palin's book.

Hey, I pushed a NASCAR through a "pit" this week. Check it out at this link!

Are you looking for a new job? Well, there's hope. If THIS kid could eventually find a job working at a Texas TV station, then news site, ANYONE can get hired (yes, this IS the "Boom Goes The Dynamite" kid):



You can find him at the Waco City Buzz Examiner.

Hey, stay tuned for the program immediately following Thinking Hard:



Just goes to show you don't need a brain to be on TV.
-B-

Thinking Hard...Crashing Your Browser For Almost 150 Posts

The management here at Thinking Hard would like to thank you for your patience with last week's blog. It has come to our attention that some of you may have had some difficulty loading the site with the amount of video content associated with Blaine's post. To alleviate the problem with this week's post, we, the management, are going through several plans to ensure your Thinking Hard does not cause any irreparable damage to your computer. So far this week, we have tried capping the blog with a large concrete block. When that didn't do the job, we went with what was clearly a better idea...a SMALLER containment block. It came as a shock to our management team when that failed as well. Our next plan is sure to work...we're just going to fire out a bunch of crap into the inter-tubes and let it sit there until we come up with something better. We asked Blaine to write more of his "witty" commentary on this crap as well...mostly just to add to the crap without having to spend more money on content. We wish to assure you, the forgiving readers, we hope to have some plan that makes some kind of sense in place soon. Until then, we're sorry. Enjoy the show. Signed, The Management. PS: We begin with a news clip from Wisconsin that explains why Blaine isn't allowed to book guests here at Thinking Hard:

WSAW: Fake Yo-yo champ investigation and prank @ Yahoo! Video

Now THAT'S the high quality of news I'd expect from Wisconsin. I'm sure Sarah Palin would like to visit there. She was kinda busy this weekend in Charlotte, NC, for the NRA Convention. Seriously, why couldn't ONE of those guns accidentally go off??? Anyway, Palin's probably testing the waters in Charlotte for her upcoming book tour. Yes, she's "writing" a new book. I guess "writing" is sort of a stretch, since she claims it will be a "collection of classic and contemporary writings." Y'know...things she didn't actually write herself. I'd be surprised if she even READ them..."Ya know, this Romeo fella really hasta find a better way of commoonicatin' with that little lady, or she's gunna end up knocked up and THEN her mother's gunna go after him with a GUN." I wonder if by "classic" she means "nice things written about Sarah Palin BEFORE she gave her first interview" and by "contemporary" she means "nice things said by Fox News AFTER she gave her first interview."

I'm curious how she feels about the whole Arizona immigration thing...nah, I'm not really THAT curious. Besides, this opinion is much more fun:

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
Back in Black - Glenn Beck's Nazi Tourette's
www.thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor Tea Party

Ahhh...every time someone mocks Glenn Beck, I have an orglennsm. Speaking of having to clean up a big mess, let's talk oil. BIG oil. That oil spill in the Gulf, to be exact:

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
There Will Be Blame
www.thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor Tea Party

Maybe if we throw babies at the problem, it'll just be too cute and we won't EVER want it to go away. How about we throw a bunch of baseball bats at it? I think we should hire these guys:



Hey, you know what'll get a sorority suspended? Pi Beta Phi does now. The sorority's branch at Miami University of Ohio held a spring formal that got a little out of hand. The sisters and their dates went to a lodge and, well, here's the list of things they could have done better without:
*Urinating in sinks
*Vomiting
*Breaking a concrete lion
*Getting caught having sex in a closet and a beach house
*Flipping over an appetizer table
*Climbing over a counter to get drinks after the caterer cut off the alcohol (because alcohol is TOTALLY what they needed more of)
*Leaving human feces outside the lodge
The complaint letter from the lodge says "Some could barely manage to walk inside the facility." Lindsay Lohan replied, "Puh...amateurs."

Thank you! This week's Lindsay Lohan joke has been brought to you by THIS unusual product:



And now, finally, for your hard earned 100K, we present to you (FINALLY!)...a flying car:



Start saving now. I want three for Christmas. I wonder what kind of oil it uses...
-B-

Mmmm...muffins (quick, turn down your speakers...the next to last video clip starts running automatically)

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Show Me Your Papers!

Hey, everyone! Do YOU like Goldman Sachs??? ("I do, I do!") Well then you're NOT a member of the U.S. Congress:

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
Who Wants to Beat a Millionaire
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Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor Tea Party

While we have a moment, we have a new Friend of the Show...actually, TWO new Friends of the Show. A couple of lovely ladies named Jane and Brigid have begun their foray into the blogosphere with what is essentially a humorous and delightful love letter dedicated to their youth. Check them out.

A quick shout-out to the 16-year-old California girl this morning, who recently ended early her effort to sail nonstop around the globe. Abby Sunderland had some boat problems and opted for the SMARTER decision of stopping in South Africa for boat repairs. You might have been keeping up with Sunderland under the Friends of the Show section of this blog. We here at Thinking Hard applaud her decision to play it safe as opposed to risking her life in the middle of the ocean...and we hope she decides to try it again soon.

Researchers in Berlin have come up with an astonishing new car idea...no, not one that runs WITHOUT the use of gasoline and oil (because, hey, why bother with that, right? What's global warming?). No, this "scientific advancement" is a car that a you can steer with your eyes. Yes, your eyes...so, obviously, this car makes the braille ATM drive-thrus obsolete (y'know, since blind drivers will absolutely NOT be able to drive in these cars...whereas now they just block me from going around them). I applaud the engineers in Berlin for coming up with something so...unusual...but I can guarantee an increase in the number of attractive female pedestrians struck in Charlotte, North Carolina, as soon as I purchase one of the cars. What can I say? I ogle.

Hey, you've seen those Geico insurance commercials, right? No, I'm not referring to anything specifically (the gecko, the cavemen, Ringity-Ding-Dingy-Dong, etc.). I'm referring to the guy who does the voice-over at the end of the commercials: "Fifteen minutes could save you money on car insurance." Well, it appears he has suffered what has befallen much of the country...he's lost his job. It's rather sad. I'm sure he got cut for financial reasons...or not:

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
Geico Fires Voice Actor
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Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor Tea Party

(Thanks to Intern Holly for bringing this to my attention) I'm sure you've probably heard of Time Magazine's annual list of the world's most influential people (I'm pretty sure Oprah and Bill Gates have appeared on that list many times). Well, the 2010 list is out. Some unusual choices, like Lady Gaga and the female lead from Fox's "Glee," made the cut. But overall, a fascinating read. And in all fairness, Time also put out a list of the LEAST influential of 2010. Highlights include the space shuttle...professional wrestling referees...RNC Chairman Michael "I did NOT spend extra money for a backroom lap dance" Steele...Michael Jackson's doctor (I disagree...he DID have Michael under an influence)...Paula Abdul...Hottest Mess competitors Carrie Prejean and Nadya Suleman...the Apple employee who left the new iPhone prototype in a bar..."First Dog" Bo Obama...H1N1...Carson Daly...GROVER from Sesame Street (he's pretty "FAR!" down the list)...Katie Couric...Carrot Top (surprised he's still alive)...any mother of any 8th-grade girl...favorite Thinking Hard targets John "But Rielle really IS pretty" Edwards, Eric "Tickle Me, I'm 50" Massa and Jon "What eight children?" Gosselin...the Lohans, Lindsay and Michael (no, they're not married...they're father and daughter)...Argentinian Governor Mark Sanford...Levi Johnston...Tila Tequila (who HAS influenced further research into sexually transmitted diseases) and Heidi Montag (who HAS influenced the future of plastics research...seriously, two more surgeries and she becomes the T-1000 in Terminator 2). Congratulations to all who were honored.

And now, a segment I like to call "Did that REALLY just happen???":

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
Moment of Zen - Soy Jizzum
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Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor Tea Party

Thanks for joining us this week on Thi9nking Ha3rd.

-B-