I need to start this post with some sad news...one of my favorite film actresses of all time has died. Marilyn Chambers, star of the adult-film classic "Behind the Green Door," died two weeks ago. She was a classic XXX-rated actress. I haven't heard much about how she died...probably choking. Wonder what her coffin looked like. I imagine there was room enough to stuff 2, maybe 3 people in there. It's ironic that SHE will be buried in the HARDEST WOOD they can find.
Moving ahead...
I see Ford Motors is looking for a new Public Relations person. Qualifications include being able to say "We're confident the economy will turn around soon and in our favor, but in the meantime, we believe Americans want to be quality products they can only find from American automakers" with a straight face.
Also in the auto industry, Italian automaker Fiat posted first-quarter losses of $530 million, which is....carry the 12...multiply by 3.14....some high number of euros. Anyway, you might remember President Obama's warning to Chrysler that the company had just a few weeks to avoid being closed, and to do so, Chrysler had to work out a merger deal to buy Fiat. Oh, that's going to go well. It's like getting sprayed by a skunk and being told "Well, you can get rid of the smell by smearing feces all over yourself." How does THAT help? Although, at least that way, you only smell like your shit. Meantime, I'm considering buying a new car...from Toyota. Hey, I'd buy American, but car performance as of late is more disappointing than that time I asked an IKEA salesman where I could find the Bjork section...and he showed it to me. The Swedes just don't understand humor. Stupid bikini teams.
For those of you keeping up with this site (and, really, what else better do you have to do?), you know I've been following former Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich closely. So closely, in fact, I'm saving a little energy by drifting behind his hair (that's a little NASCAR joke...a VERY little one). Anyway, he asked a judge to let him go to Costa Rica to be part of NBC's reality show "I'm A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here!" The judge's response? Ah...no. The judge suggested "Blago No Go-Go" and instead stay in the states to work with his defense team, who are struggling to save him from saying "I can't talk about the details here because Illinois state law won't let me, but I look forward to presenting the facts in court" on the witness stand. Actually, Blago taped a promotional commercial for the reality show anyway. Why? Are they changing the name to "I'm A Celebrity, Get This Shiv Out Of My Ass"? Oh, and replacing Blagojevich...Sanjaya from "American Idol." Maybe they need to change the name to "I Think I'm A Celebrity, Give A Shit About My Ass." Also coming to the show: Heidi and Spencer from MTV's "The Hills." I'm looking forward to seeing them on their first-ever reality show.
Olympic champion and that guy you'll see dealing the weed tucked in his speedo, Michael Phelps, says he plans to use a new freestyle technique when he comes to a swim meet in Charlotte, North Carolina, in May. Will that "new technique" be trying to smoke the bong through his ass? OH...a new SWIMMING technique! I understand it's called the "Wow, this water is SOOO blue" stroke. It's guaranteed to shatter the world record for SLOWEST 50-METER SWIM.
Let's talk about "Kids, Man"... (thanks, The Soup!)
Lawmakers in the Dominican Republic want to ban parents from choosing vulgar names or names like "Dummy" for their children. The parents of SpankmyasslikeIlikeit Vasquez said, "What?" Ashlee Simpson-Wentz and Pete Wentz, parents of BRONX MOWGLI, were quoted as saying "HOLY SHIT...oh, wait...thank GOD we don't live THERE!" A quick side note...some of the names already on the registry include Mazda Altagracia, Toshiba Fidelina, Querida Pina (Dear Pineapple), Tonton Ruiz (Dummy Ruiz) and Winston Churchill de la Cruz. Which is more insulting...being named after a piece of electronics ("It's what we were watching when you were conceived") or being named after a fruit ("It's what was shoved up my ass when you were conceived")?
Apple ripped a "game" off iTunes this week that was available for the iPhone and iPod Touch called "Baby Shaker." For those of you not technologically inclined, the iPhone and iPod Touch have motion sensors built in for some of the applications. So, of course, some a-hole decided to make a game that shows a picture of a baby, accompanied by the child's wailing and crying. The goal: tolerate the crying as long as you can, then shake the phone vigorously until the baby stops crying (see also: DIES). The game was available for about a day...for less than the price of a box of Pampers. It's disgusting. No child should EVER be shaken so hard they die. Though, to be fair, there are a few obnoxious children who wail in the mall so loud I think my colon's going to evacuate its contents. You have a better chance of being struck by lightning, a bus, or an errant moose than you are NOT hearing "BUY ME THAT!" in any store. I understand Build-a-Bear Workshop and K-B Toys, but Victoria's Secret? Really???
Speaking of obnoxious children and moose, a group of 8th graders in Alaska (go figure) are in trouble for what happened when they were let outside for PE class. Turns out, there was a moose outside. And instead of just quietly watching it, they taunted the thing so badly it ran its own head into a fence until it killed itself (come to think of it, that's what I think of doing somedays when I hear them in the store). And somewhere, Governor Palin is thinking "So if I sell the helicopter and hire five children instead..." Seriously, I'm more disappointed in those children than I was when I first heard Ohio Representative John Boehner's name pronounced CORRECTLY. That was a dark, dark day.
Now, the one story out of this week that I can't even BEGIN to explain without showing you the story out of Washington state...you're never gonna believe this:
Those crazy frat boys...wait, what?...oh, I'm being told it was a 5-year-old. My bad. So, I'm going to bypass all the fecal humor here (because that's WAY too predictable for this column). Instead, check out one email sent to the TV station that covered the story: "This is a perfect example of how the mainstream media overlooks the real issue here. Why was this student attending kindergarten when he was not potty trained?!!!" Exactly my point! Why let little Defe-Katie or Uri-Nate in around other children if they're just gonna sit there and play "Let's Go Boweling"? I'm joking. Whatever idiot sent that email to the station has problems. Don't worry, Sir or Miss, in just a few years, you'll ALSO be wearing diapers and other people will be bitching about why YOU can't keep (sh)it in your pants.
Maybe this week will be better. I'd like to do one job instead of three.
-B-
Saturday, April 25, 2009
Sunday, April 19, 2009
A Seven-Day Work Week
Consider yourselves fortunate. I'm on day seven of my work week, but didn't want to make you wait another day for this installment of Thinking Hard. I know, I know...you can thank me later.
Tracking the news this week...did you see the viral (HEAVY emphasis on the word "viral") video on YouTube from the Domino's restaurant in North Carolina? I won't post it here because I can gross you out on my own...I don't need any help. But long story short, two employees taped a video in the kitchen of a Domino's in Conover, NC. In the video, a guy puts cheese up his nose, then puts it on a sandwich (presumably for a customer, but the employees claim the food was NOT delivered to anyone). In another spot, he's show pulling down his pants and wiping his ass with meat, then putting it on sandwiches. Yeah, so, um, they got FIRED (I'm sure it was because of the economy...no?). You'd expect them to be 16 or 17 years old...but they were in their EARLY 30S!!! Seriously? I'm about that age and even I don't think that's funny (though, by the looks of some of my previous posts, I think my classification of the word "humor" should be re-examined). One of the two employees is a divorced mother of two! Divorced, you say? Huh...shocking. Anyway, Domino's corporate released a statement saying this was "the independent act of two idiots" and did not reflect on the company as a whole. That's got to be the first time I've EVER seen the word "idiots" in any kind of corporate statement. I like it, and I think the Obama Administration should use it more when describing the nation's banking industry.
Look, down the street! It's a possum! It's a cat! It's...OCTOMOM! (you'll note I used animals that are generally seen with litters of 6-200 babies) In perhaps one of the most ridiculous pieces of paper sent to the U.S. Patent Office (Patent Pending)...short of the product "I Can't Believe It's Not Edible"...2009 Hottest Mess Tournament Champ Nadya Suleman filed to have the nickname "Octomom" patented and in her control. She has to be kidding. She realizes SHE didn't come up with the nickname, right? It sounds like she wants to apply the moniker to a sponsorship deal for diapers and other baby products. Let me tell you...if I'm a parent, I'm sure as hell NOT going to buy diapers with Nadya Suleman's face on them: "For the mom who can't stop breeding...or getting financial assistance from the government...it's Welfare-Wear!"
Former Illinois Governor (and financial advisor for Thinking Hard...hey, that guy can turn ANYTHING into a goldmine!) Rod Blagojevich wants to go on TV again. This time, he wants to compete on NBC's forgettable "Help! I'm a Celebrity...Get Me Out Of Here!" For those of you who watch TV a lot and STILL haven't heard of this show, NBC takes the D-list stars who missed the cut on Celebrity Apprentice and tosses them on an island a la Survivor. Then, viewers vote who to get off the island and I assume there's some prize yada yada. He's perfect for the part...if by "celebrity" you mean "cheating politician who's as guilty as O.J." Anyway, Blagojevich wants to be on the next outing that's set for Costa Rica, except he can't leave the U.S. while he's charged with trying to get money for Barack Obama's old Senate seat. I wonder if he can get NBC to move the show to his prison. Last person stuck there faces the electric chair? Sounds like fun...
Speaking of O.J., Hulk Hogan fell deathly ill this week with a case of "diarrhea of the mouth." He was talking about the toll that his divorce is taking on him and talked about the pain of seeing a 19-year-old driving around in his car and knowing that kid is sleeping with his wife. He said (and I'm not making this up), "I totally understand O.J. now. I get it." ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? If anything happens to his ex-wife, we'll know who to put on trial. I can imagine his testimony: "Brothurrr, lemme tell ya, Mean Gene, all the millions of Hulkamaniacs are gonna cheer me on as I walk into that execution chamber and take on the Million Dollar Man and I'm gonna win that championship belt again." Would the record reflect that Mr. Hogan is now ripping off his shirt and posing on the witness stand? Seriously, who would Hogan's "dream team" be? Macho Man Randy Savage, Ultimate Warrior and Hacksaw Jim Duggan? "Mr. Duggan, could you please instruct your client to keep his clothes on?...YOU GOT IT, TOUGH GUY! HHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOO!"
Some diners in New Jersey are upset. They paid their bills when they were out to eat, but the waiter never came back with the change. Then the REAL waiter came out and asked them to pay. Turns out, the "waiter" who took the money didn't even work at the restaurants at all and just ran off with about $200 in cash. Police are still looking for this guy. He's described as being dressed nice and having spiky hair. Police released this sketch of the suspect:
Finally today, a "feel-good" moment. You might have seen this on the news this week, but it's still worth watching. "Britain's Got Talent," or whatever it's called, had a woman on this week who's 47 years old, somewhat homely, active in her church and says she's never been kissed. And all she wanted to do was sing. What happened next is truly inspirational:
(ed. note: I was unable to find a YouTube clip that I could embed in this post, so please click on this link to see the seven-minute clip.)
-B-
Tracking the news this week...did you see the viral (HEAVY emphasis on the word "viral") video on YouTube from the Domino's restaurant in North Carolina? I won't post it here because I can gross you out on my own...I don't need any help. But long story short, two employees taped a video in the kitchen of a Domino's in Conover, NC. In the video, a guy puts cheese up his nose, then puts it on a sandwich (presumably for a customer, but the employees claim the food was NOT delivered to anyone). In another spot, he's show pulling down his pants and wiping his ass with meat, then putting it on sandwiches. Yeah, so, um, they got FIRED (I'm sure it was because of the economy...no?). You'd expect them to be 16 or 17 years old...but they were in their EARLY 30S!!! Seriously? I'm about that age and even I don't think that's funny (though, by the looks of some of my previous posts, I think my classification of the word "humor" should be re-examined). One of the two employees is a divorced mother of two! Divorced, you say? Huh...shocking. Anyway, Domino's corporate released a statement saying this was "the independent act of two idiots" and did not reflect on the company as a whole. That's got to be the first time I've EVER seen the word "idiots" in any kind of corporate statement. I like it, and I think the Obama Administration should use it more when describing the nation's banking industry.
Look, down the street! It's a possum! It's a cat! It's...OCTOMOM! (you'll note I used animals that are generally seen with litters of 6-200 babies) In perhaps one of the most ridiculous pieces of paper sent to the U.S. Patent Office (Patent Pending)...short of the product "I Can't Believe It's Not Edible"...2009 Hottest Mess Tournament Champ Nadya Suleman filed to have the nickname "Octomom" patented and in her control. She has to be kidding. She realizes SHE didn't come up with the nickname, right? It sounds like she wants to apply the moniker to a sponsorship deal for diapers and other baby products. Let me tell you...if I'm a parent, I'm sure as hell NOT going to buy diapers with Nadya Suleman's face on them: "For the mom who can't stop breeding...or getting financial assistance from the government...it's Welfare-Wear!"
Former Illinois Governor (and financial advisor for Thinking Hard...hey, that guy can turn ANYTHING into a goldmine!) Rod Blagojevich wants to go on TV again. This time, he wants to compete on NBC's forgettable "Help! I'm a Celebrity...Get Me Out Of Here!" For those of you who watch TV a lot and STILL haven't heard of this show, NBC takes the D-list stars who missed the cut on Celebrity Apprentice and tosses them on an island a la Survivor. Then, viewers vote who to get off the island and I assume there's some prize yada yada. He's perfect for the part...if by "celebrity" you mean "cheating politician who's as guilty as O.J." Anyway, Blagojevich wants to be on the next outing that's set for Costa Rica, except he can't leave the U.S. while he's charged with trying to get money for Barack Obama's old Senate seat. I wonder if he can get NBC to move the show to his prison. Last person stuck there faces the electric chair? Sounds like fun...
Speaking of O.J., Hulk Hogan fell deathly ill this week with a case of "diarrhea of the mouth." He was talking about the toll that his divorce is taking on him and talked about the pain of seeing a 19-year-old driving around in his car and knowing that kid is sleeping with his wife. He said (and I'm not making this up), "I totally understand O.J. now. I get it." ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? If anything happens to his ex-wife, we'll know who to put on trial. I can imagine his testimony: "Brothurrr, lemme tell ya, Mean Gene, all the millions of Hulkamaniacs are gonna cheer me on as I walk into that execution chamber and take on the Million Dollar Man and I'm gonna win that championship belt again." Would the record reflect that Mr. Hogan is now ripping off his shirt and posing on the witness stand? Seriously, who would Hogan's "dream team" be? Macho Man Randy Savage, Ultimate Warrior and Hacksaw Jim Duggan? "Mr. Duggan, could you please instruct your client to keep his clothes on?...YOU GOT IT, TOUGH GUY! HHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOO!"
Some diners in New Jersey are upset. They paid their bills when they were out to eat, but the waiter never came back with the change. Then the REAL waiter came out and asked them to pay. Turns out, the "waiter" who took the money didn't even work at the restaurants at all and just ran off with about $200 in cash. Police are still looking for this guy. He's described as being dressed nice and having spiky hair. Police released this sketch of the suspect:
Finally today, a "feel-good" moment. You might have seen this on the news this week, but it's still worth watching. "Britain's Got Talent," or whatever it's called, had a woman on this week who's 47 years old, somewhat homely, active in her church and says she's never been kissed. And all she wanted to do was sing. What happened next is truly inspirational:
(ed. note: I was unable to find a YouTube clip that I could embed in this post, so please click on this link to see the seven-minute clip.)
-B-
Sunday, April 12, 2009
Sham-Ow! (With Update!)
I know, I know, you've probably heard by now about the arrest of the Sham-Wow guy. But wait until you see Keith Olbermann's take. That's ahead. But first...
I got my bi-weekly paycheck yesterday. As promised, it contained the first installment of my government rebate. I had dreams of using it for travel, technology, or some other way to put the cash back into the economy. Instead, I got a whopping TWENTY BUCKS! That barely covers Saturday night at the bar (though, to be fair, that DOES put the cash back into the economy).
Seriously, twenty bucks is hardly noticeable in my paycheck. President Obama, might I make a small request? How about you do the ONLY reasonably intelligent thing your predecessor did and send us checks in ONE LUMP SUM? I feel like I won 56th place in the Powerball drawing and instead of taking my full $300, I involuntarily signed up for the annuity, which amounts to...let's see...carry the 5...minus 14.3...ah,yes...TEN DOLLARS A MONTH! That's not a winning. That's an allowance.
And we wonder why people are getting so violent lately. Seriously, I've seen no fewer than four domestic-related shootings (some of them fatal) across the U.S. this week. I can understand. The loss of a job and the inability to get new employment drives the "breadwinners" of the families to say "Fuck it" and gun down their loved ones. Back in the Great Depression, people just resorted to killing THEMSELVES. But, hey, this is the NEW MILLENIUM! Why just kill yourself when you can take your whole family with you? Even the children, who are too young to understand. God, I feel like Fox News: "This is all the Obama Administration's fault!" But it's not. And The Daily Show's Jon Stewart took Fox to task this week:
(ah, if only I knew someone who also misused the term "tyrant"...)
Now, talk about TYRANTS...no, we're not to Sham-Wow yet...how about Billy Bob Thornton? He did an interview this week in Canada to talk about his band, The..um...Jolie Exes?...no...well, anyway, Thornton was promoting his band and took exception to the interviewers references to ACTUAL PIECES OF QUALITY WORK Thornton has done. Seriously, I hope someone mashes this up with that Christian Bale rant:
(Update: Thornton's "band" was booed heavily during a performance Thursday night, along with chants of "Here comes the gravy." They cancelled a Friday night gig claiming the flu had stricken one performer and several of the crew. Riiiiiiight. I wonder if humble pie comes with gravy...)
Speaking of people who are just plain NUTS...no, still not time for Sham-Wow...a woman in Denver, Colorado REALLY likes her tofu. You know the stuff I'm talking about. The protein made from soybeans that can cook like chicken, but looks like white Play-Doh in a cube form. Vegetarians favor it and I think it's popular in California. Anyway, this tofu fan wanted to profess her love for the "food" on a personalized license plate. But the Department of Motor Vehicles turned her down. Here's how it read: ILVTOFU. (if I have to explain it, you're not a usual reader of Thinking Hard, so please grab the person closest to you and have THEM explain it) She says "Some people are just dirty-minded." I, on the other hand, have just come up with the name of a new classic car-themed brothel in Las Vegas.
Speaking of stuff that makes me piss myself laughing...nope, not yet...I was watching Saturday Night Live from last night (hosted by tween-idol and High School Musician Zac Efron). Anyway, Weekend Update brought back one of my new favorite commentators (and gave me a new idea for a blog name should I ever decide to abandon Thinking Hard):
(Hey, she makes snarky comments about Hollywood icons online...SHE STOLE MY FUCKING GIMMICK! Also, quick note for Saturday Night Live's writers: I will send you each a dollar to STOP WRITING THOSE RIDICULOUS "GILLY" SKETCHES!)
Speaking of pleasing bitches...nope, almost there...two people were arrested at a local Wal-Mart for having sex in a car in the parking lot (apparently they ALSO LUVTOFU). The 25-year-old woman and the 83-YEAR-OLD MAN (probably a greeter) were caught in the act of making their OWN smiley faces. The (I can NOT stress this enough) 83-YEAR-OLD MAN said he had just paid the woman $20 for oral sex. Wal-Mart: Low Prices, Everyday. (Though, I saw their mugshots...it's probably more like Wal-Mart: Low Standards, Everyday.)
Speaking of remarkably low standards...yes, it's time. Vince Shlomi, the Sham-Wow guy, was arrested for assaulting a hooker after she bit his tongue. MSNBC's Keith Olbermann has more:
I mean, you're gonna spend $20 a month on paper towels anyway...biiiiiiitttttccchhh pleeeeeeeeeeeezzzze.
-B-
I got my bi-weekly paycheck yesterday. As promised, it contained the first installment of my government rebate. I had dreams of using it for travel, technology, or some other way to put the cash back into the economy. Instead, I got a whopping TWENTY BUCKS! That barely covers Saturday night at the bar (though, to be fair, that DOES put the cash back into the economy).
Seriously, twenty bucks is hardly noticeable in my paycheck. President Obama, might I make a small request? How about you do the ONLY reasonably intelligent thing your predecessor did and send us checks in ONE LUMP SUM? I feel like I won 56th place in the Powerball drawing and instead of taking my full $300, I involuntarily signed up for the annuity, which amounts to...let's see...carry the 5...minus 14.3...ah,yes...TEN DOLLARS A MONTH! That's not a winning. That's an allowance.
And we wonder why people are getting so violent lately. Seriously, I've seen no fewer than four domestic-related shootings (some of them fatal) across the U.S. this week. I can understand. The loss of a job and the inability to get new employment drives the "breadwinners" of the families to say "Fuck it" and gun down their loved ones. Back in the Great Depression, people just resorted to killing THEMSELVES. But, hey, this is the NEW MILLENIUM! Why just kill yourself when you can take your whole family with you? Even the children, who are too young to understand. God, I feel like Fox News: "This is all the Obama Administration's fault!" But it's not. And The Daily Show's Jon Stewart took Fox to task this week:
| The Daily Show With Jon Stewart | M - Th 11p / 10c | |||
| Baracknophobia - Obey | ||||
| ||||
(ah, if only I knew someone who also misused the term "tyrant"...)
Now, talk about TYRANTS...no, we're not to Sham-Wow yet...how about Billy Bob Thornton? He did an interview this week in Canada to talk about his band, The..um...Jolie Exes?...no...well, anyway, Thornton was promoting his band and took exception to the interviewers references to ACTUAL PIECES OF QUALITY WORK Thornton has done. Seriously, I hope someone mashes this up with that Christian Bale rant:
(Update: Thornton's "band" was booed heavily during a performance Thursday night, along with chants of "Here comes the gravy." They cancelled a Friday night gig claiming the flu had stricken one performer and several of the crew. Riiiiiiight. I wonder if humble pie comes with gravy...)
Speaking of people who are just plain NUTS...no, still not time for Sham-Wow...a woman in Denver, Colorado REALLY likes her tofu. You know the stuff I'm talking about. The protein made from soybeans that can cook like chicken, but looks like white Play-Doh in a cube form. Vegetarians favor it and I think it's popular in California. Anyway, this tofu fan wanted to profess her love for the "food" on a personalized license plate. But the Department of Motor Vehicles turned her down. Here's how it read: ILVTOFU. (if I have to explain it, you're not a usual reader of Thinking Hard, so please grab the person closest to you and have THEM explain it) She says "Some people are just dirty-minded." I, on the other hand, have just come up with the name of a new classic car-themed brothel in Las Vegas.
Speaking of stuff that makes me piss myself laughing...nope, not yet...I was watching Saturday Night Live from last night (hosted by tween-idol and High School Musician Zac Efron). Anyway, Weekend Update brought back one of my new favorite commentators (and gave me a new idea for a blog name should I ever decide to abandon Thinking Hard):
(Hey, she makes snarky comments about Hollywood icons online...SHE STOLE MY FUCKING GIMMICK! Also, quick note for Saturday Night Live's writers: I will send you each a dollar to STOP WRITING THOSE RIDICULOUS "GILLY" SKETCHES!)
Speaking of pleasing bitches...nope, almost there...two people were arrested at a local Wal-Mart for having sex in a car in the parking lot (apparently they ALSO LUVTOFU). The 25-year-old woman and the 83-YEAR-OLD MAN (probably a greeter) were caught in the act of making their OWN smiley faces. The (I can NOT stress this enough) 83-YEAR-OLD MAN said he had just paid the woman $20 for oral sex. Wal-Mart: Low Prices, Everyday. (Though, I saw their mugshots...it's probably more like Wal-Mart: Low Standards, Everyday.)
Speaking of remarkably low standards...yes, it's time. Vince Shlomi, the Sham-Wow guy, was arrested for assaulting a hooker after she bit his tongue. MSNBC's Keith Olbermann has more:
I mean, you're gonna spend $20 a month on paper towels anyway...biiiiiiitttttccchhh pleeeeeeeeeeeezzzze.
-B-
Friday, April 3, 2009
The Semis and the Finals
Welcome back to the Hottest Mess 2009 Tournament here on Thinking Hard. We have some tough action going into the finals, so let's get to our Fungal Four...
Patti Blagojevich vs. Lindsay Lohan
First, I should congratulate Mrs. Blagojevich. The indictment against her husband (y'know, the former governor of Illinois who ALLEGEDLY tried to sell Barack Obama's old Senate seat) came out Thursday and did NOT include her name. Hey, let's hear it for beating the system! Woot! But it's going to be hard to top LiLo. The girl is AGAIN (yawn) rumored to be on the outs with boyfriend Sam Ronson...wait, that's a CHICK??? How do I always get that wrong? Must be my 20/20 vision...but that's not all! So, Lily Allen was doing a show in Los Angeles Thursday night and for an encore, she did what's apparently the cool thing to do...sing a song by tournament-ousted Britney Spears. But if you don't want to hear her rendition of Womanizer, at least check out the unintentional (read: uninvited) cameo at about 3:30 in...
Yes, in a (we can only hope) drunken stupor, Lohan did what's apparently the cool thing to do...randomly go up on stage and make friends with the pink blob who's making all the hypnotic noise. That way she won't attack Lindsay. Also, Lohan's animal-print Snuggie is lined with tinfoil. So, CLEARLY, the hotter mess here is...wait, WHAT?
Winner: Patti Blagojevich
What the hell is going on here???
Amy Winehouse vs. Nadya Suleman
This week, Winehouse was whooping it up at Hard Rock Cafe in Las Vegas and found out the dress she wore to sing for Nelson Mandela in (he turned 90 at that performance...interpreters say he was shocked to find someone MORE malnourished than anyone he'd seen in Africa) would go on display at Hyde Park. To celebrate, she bought everyone in the bar a tequila shot. Well, to be more accurate, she bought ninety tequila shots...and those greedy fuckers just helped themselves! Hey, a girl's gotta get her drink on! As for Suleman, she was the victim of vandalism this week. Someone threw a child seat through the rear window of her minivan (right above the bumper stickers that read "Eight is NOT Enough" and "If you're close enough to read this, can you please let me know how many of my children fell out of the van?"). Given Suleman's recent acceptance of charity, I'm sure she looked at the seat, accused it of spying on her and threw it across the street...hopefully without the baby in it.
Winner: Nadya Suleman
So, the finals of this year's Hottest Mess Tournament will be Patti Blagojevich vs. Nadya Suleman. We'll have that game in a moment, but first, a political message from one of the former competitors in this year's tournament...
*Paid for by Russians Who Can See Sarah Palin From Their Houses*
Now, the finals...
Patti Blagojevich vs. Nadya Suleman
Patti's enjoying some R&R ("Running from the law" & "Rolling over on her husband") with soon-to-be-incarcerated Rod Blagojevich at the happiest place on Earth, Disney World ("Rod Blagojevich, you just tried to benefit from one of the most dramatic presidential elections ever...what are you going to do now? I'M GOING TO DISNEY WORLD!"). Shit you not. They were going to ride Space Mountain, but when they realized they couldn't trade it for a cabinet position, they left. We've been doing some digging into Nadya Suleman's past. Turns out she used to be a stripper! You know, thinking of that reminds me of my family vacation to the Grand Canyon...
The judge has made a decision...and it's...
Patti Blagojevich? Really? This seems a little too Cinderella-y for me. Let me find that judge...here he is...and it's...
ROD BLAGOJEVICH??? (Why do I feel like I'm on Scooby-Doo?) OF COURSE! Who had the most to benefit from Patti's victories? You were trying to sell her!...yes, I realize you were sitting on a "fucking goldmine"...yes, I realize the law forbids you from talking about the charges, but allows you to not talk about the charges all over your media tour...look, I don't care! You're playing on Thinking Hard's court...and Thinking Hard RULES!
Your Hottest Mess of 2009: Nadya Suleman
(seriously, was there any doubt?)
I just received the trophy BACK from Suleman. She accused it of spying, threw it at me and drove off...with three of her children running alongside the van...
-B-
Patti Blagojevich vs. Lindsay Lohan
First, I should congratulate Mrs. Blagojevich. The indictment against her husband (y'know, the former governor of Illinois who ALLEGEDLY tried to sell Barack Obama's old Senate seat) came out Thursday and did NOT include her name. Hey, let's hear it for beating the system! Woot! But it's going to be hard to top LiLo. The girl is AGAIN (yawn) rumored to be on the outs with boyfriend Sam Ronson...wait, that's a CHICK??? How do I always get that wrong? Must be my 20/20 vision...but that's not all! So, Lily Allen was doing a show in Los Angeles Thursday night and for an encore, she did what's apparently the cool thing to do...sing a song by tournament-ousted Britney Spears. But if you don't want to hear her rendition of Womanizer, at least check out the unintentional (read: uninvited) cameo at about 3:30 in...
Yes, in a (we can only hope) drunken stupor, Lohan did what's apparently the cool thing to do...randomly go up on stage and make friends with the pink blob who's making all the hypnotic noise. That way she won't attack Lindsay. Also, Lohan's animal-print Snuggie is lined with tinfoil. So, CLEARLY, the hotter mess here is...wait, WHAT?
Winner: Patti Blagojevich
What the hell is going on here???
Amy Winehouse vs. Nadya Suleman
This week, Winehouse was whooping it up at Hard Rock Cafe in Las Vegas and found out the dress she wore to sing for Nelson Mandela in (he turned 90 at that performance...interpreters say he was shocked to find someone MORE malnourished than anyone he'd seen in Africa) would go on display at Hyde Park. To celebrate, she bought everyone in the bar a tequila shot. Well, to be more accurate, she bought ninety tequila shots...and those greedy fuckers just helped themselves! Hey, a girl's gotta get her drink on! As for Suleman, she was the victim of vandalism this week. Someone threw a child seat through the rear window of her minivan (right above the bumper stickers that read "Eight is NOT Enough" and "If you're close enough to read this, can you please let me know how many of my children fell out of the van?"). Given Suleman's recent acceptance of charity, I'm sure she looked at the seat, accused it of spying on her and threw it across the street...hopefully without the baby in it.
Winner: Nadya Suleman
So, the finals of this year's Hottest Mess Tournament will be Patti Blagojevich vs. Nadya Suleman. We'll have that game in a moment, but first, a political message from one of the former competitors in this year's tournament...
*Paid for by Russians Who Can See Sarah Palin From Their Houses*
Now, the finals...
Patti Blagojevich vs. Nadya Suleman
Patti's enjoying some R&R ("Running from the law" & "Rolling over on her husband") with soon-to-be-incarcerated Rod Blagojevich at the happiest place on Earth, Disney World ("Rod Blagojevich, you just tried to benefit from one of the most dramatic presidential elections ever...what are you going to do now? I'M GOING TO DISNEY WORLD!"). Shit you not. They were going to ride Space Mountain, but when they realized they couldn't trade it for a cabinet position, they left. We've been doing some digging into Nadya Suleman's past. Turns out she used to be a stripper! You know, thinking of that reminds me of my family vacation to the Grand Canyon...
The judge has made a decision...and it's...
Patti Blagojevich? Really? This seems a little too Cinderella-y for me. Let me find that judge...here he is...and it's...
ROD BLAGOJEVICH??? (Why do I feel like I'm on Scooby-Doo?) OF COURSE! Who had the most to benefit from Patti's victories? You were trying to sell her!...yes, I realize you were sitting on a "fucking goldmine"...yes, I realize the law forbids you from talking about the charges, but allows you to not talk about the charges all over your media tour...look, I don't care! You're playing on Thinking Hard's court...and Thinking Hard RULES!
Your Hottest Mess of 2009: Nadya Suleman
(seriously, was there any doubt?)
I just received the trophy BACK from Suleman. She accused it of spying, threw it at me and drove off...with three of her children running alongside the van...
-B-
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