Sham-Ow! (With Update!)

I know, I know, you've probably heard by now about the arrest of the Sham-Wow guy. But wait until you see Keith Olbermann's take. That's ahead. But first...

I got my bi-weekly paycheck yesterday. As promised, it contained the first installment of my government rebate. I had dreams of using it for travel, technology, or some other way to put the cash back into the economy. Instead, I got a whopping TWENTY BUCKS! That barely covers Saturday night at the bar (though, to be fair, that DOES put the cash back into the economy).

Seriously, twenty bucks is hardly noticeable in my paycheck. President Obama, might I make a small request? How about you do the ONLY reasonably intelligent thing your predecessor did and send us checks in ONE LUMP SUM? I feel like I won 56th place in the Powerball drawing and instead of taking my full $300, I involuntarily signed up for the annuity, which amounts to...let's see...carry the 5...minus 14.3...ah,yes...TEN DOLLARS A MONTH! That's not a winning. That's an allowance.

And we wonder why people are getting so violent lately. Seriously, I've seen no fewer than four domestic-related shootings (some of them fatal) across the U.S. this week. I can understand. The loss of a job and the inability to get new employment drives the "breadwinners" of the families to say "Fuck it" and gun down their loved ones. Back in the Great Depression, people just resorted to killing THEMSELVES. But, hey, this is the NEW MILLENIUM! Why just kill yourself when you can take your whole family with you? Even the children, who are too young to understand. God, I feel like Fox News: "This is all the Obama Administration's fault!" But it's not. And The Daily Show's Jon Stewart took Fox to task this week:

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	M - Th 11p / 10c
Baracknophobia - Obey
thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Economic Crisis Political Humor

(ah, if only I knew someone who also misused the term "tyrant"...)

Now, talk about TYRANTS...no, we're not to Sham-Wow yet...how about Billy Bob Thornton? He did an interview this week in Canada to talk about his band, The..um...Jolie Exes?...no...well, anyway, Thornton was promoting his band and took exception to the interviewers references to ACTUAL PIECES OF QUALITY WORK Thornton has done. Seriously, I hope someone mashes this up with that Christian Bale rant:


(Update: Thornton's "band" was booed heavily during a performance Thursday night, along with chants of "Here comes the gravy." They cancelled a Friday night gig claiming the flu had stricken one performer and several of the crew. Riiiiiiight. I wonder if humble pie comes with gravy...)

Speaking of people who are just plain NUTS...no, still not time for Sham-Wow...a woman in Denver, Colorado REALLY likes her tofu. You know the stuff I'm talking about. The protein made from soybeans that can cook like chicken, but looks like white Play-Doh in a cube form. Vegetarians favor it and I think it's popular in California. Anyway, this tofu fan wanted to profess her love for the "food" on a personalized license plate. But the Department of Motor Vehicles turned her down. Here's how it read: ILVTOFU. (if I have to explain it, you're not a usual reader of Thinking Hard, so please grab the person closest to you and have THEM explain it) She says "Some people are just dirty-minded." I, on the other hand, have just come up with the name of a new classic car-themed brothel in Las Vegas.

Speaking of stuff that makes me piss myself laughing...nope, not yet...I was watching Saturday Night Live from last night (hosted by tween-idol and High School Musician Zac Efron). Anyway, Weekend Update brought back one of my new favorite commentators (and gave me a new idea for a blog name should I ever decide to abandon Thinking Hard):



(Hey, she makes snarky comments about Hollywood icons online...SHE STOLE MY FUCKING GIMMICK! Also, quick note for Saturday Night Live's writers: I will send you each a dollar to STOP WRITING THOSE RIDICULOUS "GILLY" SKETCHES!)

Speaking of pleasing bitches...nope, almost there...two people were arrested at a local Wal-Mart for having sex in a car in the parking lot (apparently they ALSO LUVTOFU). The 25-year-old woman and the 83-YEAR-OLD MAN (probably a greeter) were caught in the act of making their OWN smiley faces. The (I can NOT stress this enough) 83-YEAR-OLD MAN said he had just paid the woman $20 for oral sex. Wal-Mart: Low Prices, Everyday. (Though, I saw their mugshots...it's probably more like Wal-Mart: Low Standards, Everyday.)

Speaking of remarkably low standards...yes, it's time. Vince Shlomi, the Sham-Wow guy, was arrested for assaulting a hooker after she bit his tongue. MSNBC's Keith Olbermann has more:



I mean, you're gonna spend $20 a month on paper towels anyway...biiiiiiitttttccchhh pleeeeeeeeeeeezzzze.
-B-