Before I start this special blog for the ladies, happy Lent. You know Lent.. it's the 40 days before Easter, when people generally give up something they like or take on something they don't like. Take the Pope for example...he's going to tweet once a day during Lent. So he apparently gave up sanity for 40 days. And speaking of being insane, a special FUCK YOU to all of you dumb pieces of shit who mobbed the malls Friday for the ugly-ass Nike "Is That Even A Real Word" Foamposite Galaxy shoes...as in, "Police tell us the murder suspect was last seen wearing a pair of Nike Foamposite Galaxy shoes." Also, the $220/pair shoes glow in the dark, so people are going to see you running away from those late night murders. And just like those ridiculous Air Jordans that were released a few weeks ago, finding a white guy in the crowd is near impossible. Again, the black economy must be fantastic. Why must I be so white?
Alright, onto the special Lady Issues...first, let's touch on Virginia's passage this week of a bill making it a little more awkward for women to get an abortion:
Um...yeah, that's all of the Lady Issues I really have this week. Unless you count the female sense of humor:
Ahahahahahaha! Yes! They got into a serious car crash because of HIGH GAS PRICES! Not only is that HILARIOUS, but it's TIMELY!
Let me give a shout-out to a special lady before I wrap this up: Taylor Swift. Now, now, I sense you pulling away from me in disgust. This isn't one of THOSE shout-outs. This is more of a "Thank you for restoring my faith in human decency" thing. See, an 18-year-old guy who's been suffering from leukemia and/or cancer much of his life wanted nothing more than to ask Taylor Swift to prom. His sister, who loves him very much, started a Facebook campaign (one of the few times I can say "Facebook" without vomiting) to drum up support. After 90,000 people joined in the effort, Taylor Swift declined the offer...and instead offered to take him to the Academy of Country Music awards. Truly a PR move, but she didn't have to acknowledge him at all. Instead, she avoids a ton of teenage fanatics (and their fathers) to let a guy with a deadly disease walk a red carpet. Classy. I wish other people were just as kind...instead of using Facebook to bitch about their jobs.
Hey, since the rest of the world is coming up with stupid Jeremy Lin puns for the NBA flavor of the month, I figured I'd throw mine in there too. Remember, it's not about the dest-Lin-nation, it's about Journey.
Kind of a slow week...and yes, I'm still sick of "I Will Always Love You." It WAS kind of funny to see the Bobby Brown showed up briefly for Whitney Houston's funeral yesterday...but left after he was told there wasn't enough seating room for all NINE MEMBERS of his entourage. Really, Bobby? Do you need more than FOUR guys to give you cocaine throughout the service?
For those of you who were concerned and offered to donate to my cause, Microsoft refunded the money taken from people who hacked my Xbox Live account a couple of weeks ago. Let me say, big ups to Microsoft. Sure, the security measures might still have a few holes, but the investigation team concluded their case AND got me my money back in less than two weeks. Some years, I can't get my tax refund back in that short amount of time.
Let me step back into the basketball fray for a second, mostly because we're mid-way through February and March is right around the corner. Y'know, I see a lot of basketball fans in ESPN highlights trying to psych out the visiting teams. And they're generally shouting, cheering, waving pompoms, etc. Well, there's this one freaky-looking dude, who decided that his own FACE was enough to psych out the opposing team:
On the plus side? I can guarantee the cotton candy vendors will stay as far away from him as possible.
Hey, everybody, and welcome back to the blog. I want to get the somber stuff out of the way first. Yesterday, pop music star Whitney Houston was found dead in her hotel room. It's starting to sound like she drowned in her bathtub. It's a tragic end to the diva who, quite frankly, I'm surprised hadn't died of a drug overdose during her marriage to Bobby Brown. I'm not sure if she had a drug issue before she married him, but it sure became a BIG problem after they married. It's sad that someone with such an amazing career in the 80s and early 90s went on to have so many troubles. And I can think of only a few less glamorous ways to die than in the bathtub of your hotel room (possibly surrounded by drugs...but that has yet to be proven). So, Whitney Houston fans, try to keep "The Bodyguard" Whitney in your heart as you mourn her passing...and not the "Bobby Brown fucked that chick UP" Whitney.
Alright, so let's get down to this. Hey, in case you missed it, the New York Giants won the Super Bowl last Sunday in dramatic fashion. This followed an email sent by Patriots QB Tom Brady's wife, Giselle Bundchen, to family and friends, asking them to "pray for Tommy." Well, her behavior only got weirder (and more obnoxious) during and after the big game. She was quoted by The Insider after the game as saying "My husband cannot fucking throw the ball and catch the ball at the same time." At least one of Brady's teammates says she should shut up and go back to looking cute. I don't think she can do either. Have you seen her face? Ugh. And honestly, with that attitude, I think she ought to rename herself Giselle Bitchen. (I wish I could have come up with something clever that went with "Cum Dumpster," but I couldn't)
Hey, have you had a bad break-up recently? You might be able to find out WHY your heart was shattered on the new website WotWentWrong.com. Dumpees can register and send an email to the heartbreaker in question, who in turn can respond to the website and not to the user him/herself in as much or as little detail as desired. Because nothing says "I wish you all the best" than letting everyone on the internet read "Teresa was so bad in bed, it was like fucking a fish. And don't even get me started on how she SMELLS..."
Thirsty? Looking for a bridge between your meal and your dessert? Jack in the Box can help. The fast-food joint is offering a Bacon Shake. Yes. That's right. A BACON milkshake. Don't worry about getting chunks of pork as you're slurping your straw...it's made with a bacon syrup with no chunks whatsoever (unless you count the ones I'm blowing at the THOUGHT of this monstrosity). Sixteen ounces of this bad boy will get you 773 of your daily calories...and 24 ounces will give you 1,081. But don't go looking for this on the drive-thru menu. It's a SECRET item that you can only get if you know about it ahead of time. It's like walking up to that shady-looking dude on the street corner and saying "No, that meth you're selling won't kill me fast enough...but that BACON SHAKE in your pocket is EXACTLY what I'm looking for."
Finally, a lesson from local television...not to pimp out a weather forecast that may or may not actually happen, but to ALWAYS know who you're about to interview ahead of time. Anchors hate surprises:
I'm sure the anchor yelled at the producer for this error...because that's all anchors ever do. They yell at, berate, criticize and talk down to producers. Though in all fairness to Fox, I'm sure they're used to fuck-ups like this during every newscast. It's in their contracts.
Hi. I'd be able to write a full blog today if it wasn't for the fact that some a-hole hacked my Xbox 360 account and caused me to lose $125. So now I'm going to be chatting online live with Microsoft to try to get my money back. Meantime, watch this video. It shows how movie marketers made it look like there were people flying over the skies of New York City to promote the new film "Chronicle." It's pretty badass. They're using ultralight parts and radio controls:
When I see you next week, I'll either have my $125 back...or I'm leaving Microsoft.
