I have been a good boy all year. I have not poked anyone in the eye...even though there were some who ranked VERY high on my own personal "Naughty" list. I have tried to put smiles on the faces of people who talk to me, read my blog and even sometimes see me in the newsroom making faces behind anchors who are reading a story about a waterskiing squirrel. But this year, I don't want any presents for myself. Instead, I have a few friends whose wishes should be fulfilled for Christmas.
First, John McCain. I would like you to give him the internet. And an ipod. And a cell phone. Pretty much anything to get him on track with the current technology. Also, a subscription to the Wall Street Journal (however long it remains in print). With that, I hope he's able to FINALLY understand the economic crapper we're in. Finally, a different running mate. It's been a hard year for Mr. McCain.
Alaska Governor Sarah Palin...a map of the world, so she may finally identify Africa as a continent and not a country. Also, a subscription to ANY newsmagazine so she can be ready for the next "gotcha" interview with Katie Couric.
President-Elect Barack Obama...the good sense to know if he gets in too deep in the middle of ANYTHING during his administration, and the better sense to admit to it.
Outgoing President George W. Bush...I'm sure there are a LOT of things people what Mr. Bush to get this Christmas, including a swift kick in the ass. I, however, would rather he have one thing: clarity. The clarity one gets when one looks back on the past several years and seriously considers decisions that could (and should) have been made differently. And if you have any extra room under his tree, can you give him a weapon of mass destruction too? He's been looking for one for YEARS, and apparently they're harder to find than the Wii Fit.
Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich...humility. Please let him know it's OKAY to admit when he's done something wrong. His predecessors refused to admit defeat, but some of them still ended up behind bars. Pride will only get you picking up the soap. On that same note, can you also leave him a better toupee? Mr. Blagojevich, much like you claiming you haven't done anything wrong...YOU'RE NOT FOOLING ANYONE.
The American middle-to-lower class...a bright spot in their lives. It's been a hard year, with gas prices hitting record highs, airlines charging for baggage, the economic nosedive, the downturn in auto sales and the resulting layoffs, sitting through a vice-presidential debate with Sarah Palin (though that WAS entertaining), sending MORE troops to the middle east for a war that's now gone on for 7 years and a Britney Spears "comeback." Seriously, haven't we been through ENOUGH this year?
My sister and brother-in-law...some time to relax and enjoy being married. They tied the knot in April at a beautiful ceremony, but since then, he's been fighting several health problems, including open heart surgery three weeks before Christmas. They really deserve a break. I mean, it's hard enough being related to me...
My family and friends...these are the people I hold most dear, and I would like them to get a large dose of happiness. We've all had ups and downs this year. We've lost loved ones. We've married and given birth. We've made major changes in our professional and personal lives...and those changes will only continue.
The joy of this season is truly not in the PRESENTS we open, but in the ARMS we open...to greet a friend, relative or even a total stranger with the gift of love. It's the best gift of all.
(Don't worry...my sappiness probably won't last much past the first of the year. But my heart grew three sizes too big before I wrote this blog, so I decided to enjoy an egg nog instead of a humbug.)
Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah and Happy Kwanzaa!
-B-
Thursday, December 25, 2008
Sunday, December 21, 2008
There really IS no place like home for the holidays
Hey all and happy holidays! Before we get down to it, I'd like to bring your attention to a new "Friend of the Show." As we have a lot of female readers here on Thinking Hard (some single, some not), I thought it poignant to add the Bad First Dates Blog. I know absolutely NOTHING about the chick who writes this blog, other than she's in her 20s, just started blogging about her first dates...and apparently has sucktacular luck finding a good man. Show her a little support and read about these bad first dates.
So, if you're a longtime viewer of Thinking Hard, you probably noticed that we haven't posted much in the last week and a half. That meant being stuck with Producers Bitchin' About Snow and Jizzin' In Your Pants (those of you who commented on THAT one are alllll kinds of wrong...and perfect viewers of Thinking Hard). I spent the last 10 days in the frozen tundra of Chicago, IL. A far cry from the 60-degree temperatures in Charlotte, North Cackalacky.
I did the holiday thing early with my family because some of them are traveling to Northern Ireland for the holidays. And I find this year's experience similar to the Rectangular Box. You know the one I'm talking about. You didn't ask for clothes...you asked for a new DVD or video game or toy or inflatable doll...what? Tell me that wasn't on YOUR list during puberty! Anyway, you know as soon as you see it that it's clothes. You could be lucky or unlucky, depending who gave you the box. Close family members (siblings, parents) probably wrapped something in there you will actually WEAR. More distant family members (third cousins, creepy Uncle Larry who always wants you to "Come sit on my lap while I tell you a nice LONG story...") will likely offer you a sweater because, hey, who doesn't wear sweaters? We all get cold.
So, this Christmas holiday was a little like the Box for me. It started off a little busy, which is normal for the holidays. My parents flew me in to O'Hare, picked me up promptly and took me out to lunch. Then I had T-minus 24 hours and counting to pick up last-minute presents, wrap them and load up the car for a 5-hour car ride to Des Moines, Iowa.
I spent time visiting grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, people who I looked at suspiciously while trying to figure out who they were, people who looked at me suspiciously while trying to figure out who I was...you know, like a family reunion. Or a wedding (and man, that's a BAD time to NOT know who you're related to).
A few days later, we had gone through two Christmas dinners, 9 relatives, 5 VERY energetic dogs, dozens of packages...and a fuckload of snow that would only continue to laugh in my southern-weather-loving-underwear. Travel Tip: the midwest gets cold and snowy and icy in the winter. Pack accordingly...do NOT, under any circumstances, pack the following: sandals, short-sleeve shirts, 3/4-sleeve shirts, shorts, short-pants, sunscreen, a beach ball, and hope that you'll see a warm day (because you WON'T).
Last day in Des Moines, we packed ALL the presents into the Ford Edge (great for winter driving...trust me), then packed me, my parents, my sister's dog and my grandmother in for what looked to be a 5-hour roadtrip back to Chicago. Then the snow hit.
Yep, we were on I-80, trying to stay ahead of the winter storm, when we hit a rather BIG accident. SEVEN tractor-trailers had left the road, crashed into one another and caused a several-mile-long backlog of other tractor-trailers, business travelers and a pissed-off redhead who just want to get home.
Cue the detour three miles from the crash. From the looks of the map, it appeared to only be about 5 miles out of the way. Awesome, I thought, we'll be back on track in no time. Funny, I don't remember Johnny Rolex telling me that "no time" was equal to "3 HOURS"! Seriously, the detour ran parallel to the interstate on a two lane road with drop-offs on both sides (no use turning around) and we could actually see the traffic back-up on the interstate...and I cried when I watched THAT traffic move and WE were still stuck. Oh, and my grandma wanted to get out and stretch her legs...because she was sitting in the front seat and I was wedged in the back behind my father at the wheel, two backpacks and a doggie bed. Travel Tip #2: 6'8" guys DON'T FOLD WELL!
We finally arrived in Chicago and my sister and brother-in-law joined us the next morning. That night for dinner, we had tacos (my parents are great cooks and turned ground turkey into a mexican delight). I had asked to drink milk to cool the burn of the medium salsa I would be enjoying. I would not have enjoyment.
As I prepared my first taco, I laid the meat on the tortilla, followed by shredded lettuce and cheese. All that was missing was that medium salsa. My father offered to hand it to me and as he brought it near...the bottle dropped out of his hands. At this point, I would've expected things to move in slow-motion, but they actually happened quite fast. The bottle dropped and knocked over my glass of milk...right on my right leg. If you've never had cold milk poured on your leg, it's not fun and, no, it does NOT do a body good. Here's the best part. I looked back at my dad's hand and HE WAS STILL HOLDING THE LID TO THE SALSA JAR. As it turns out, my sister had taken it upon herself to loosen the lid to make it easier for everyone at the table to get at the salsa, part of which now adorned the CEILING above the dining room table.
This was my Rectangular Box time. I had looked forward to going home for the holidays, to seeing my family and having warm meals cooked by someone other than Stouffer. But now, as I was going through the vacation, it appeared that the big guy upstairs had given me a Rectangular Box.
But in the following days, my dread would instead by replaced by touching warmth. Simple games of Scrabble with my family kept me smiling, warm coffee and cinnamon rolls greeted me in the morning, and everyone enjoyed their presents (I even got a Rectangular Box, which was filled with two shirts that I look forward to wearing...in colder weather). My mom even cried (and got me to cry too) when she and my dad finished their "Holiday Treasure Hunt" concocted by me and my sister to give them something special for Christmas.
And that's when it hit me. Every single Rectangular Box I've ever gotten, I've only seen the shirt/sweater/sweatsuit inside. But I missed the important part. The love that was put into picking out the shirt, the love put into wrapping it, and the love that was watching my face as I opened the package. And that's what I had here. I had a trip that wasn't quite what I expected, maybe not quite what I'd asked for. But, in the end, I'd seen and felt the love, which was the whole point all along.
To those of you traveling this holiday season, to those of you spending time with family and friends, and to those of you who will be celebrating alone or at work, take a moment amid all the clamor to be thankful for all the love shown to you throughout the year...and show a little of it to someone else in return.
Happy Holidays!
-B-
So, if you're a longtime viewer of Thinking Hard, you probably noticed that we haven't posted much in the last week and a half. That meant being stuck with Producers Bitchin' About Snow and Jizzin' In Your Pants (those of you who commented on THAT one are alllll kinds of wrong...and perfect viewers of Thinking Hard). I spent the last 10 days in the frozen tundra of Chicago, IL. A far cry from the 60-degree temperatures in Charlotte, North Cackalacky.
I did the holiday thing early with my family because some of them are traveling to Northern Ireland for the holidays. And I find this year's experience similar to the Rectangular Box. You know the one I'm talking about. You didn't ask for clothes...you asked for a new DVD or video game or toy or inflatable doll...what? Tell me that wasn't on YOUR list during puberty! Anyway, you know as soon as you see it that it's clothes. You could be lucky or unlucky, depending who gave you the box. Close family members (siblings, parents) probably wrapped something in there you will actually WEAR. More distant family members (third cousins, creepy Uncle Larry who always wants you to "Come sit on my lap while I tell you a nice LONG story...") will likely offer you a sweater because, hey, who doesn't wear sweaters? We all get cold.
So, this Christmas holiday was a little like the Box for me. It started off a little busy, which is normal for the holidays. My parents flew me in to O'Hare, picked me up promptly and took me out to lunch. Then I had T-minus 24 hours and counting to pick up last-minute presents, wrap them and load up the car for a 5-hour car ride to Des Moines, Iowa.
I spent time visiting grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, people who I looked at suspiciously while trying to figure out who they were, people who looked at me suspiciously while trying to figure out who I was...you know, like a family reunion. Or a wedding (and man, that's a BAD time to NOT know who you're related to).
A few days later, we had gone through two Christmas dinners, 9 relatives, 5 VERY energetic dogs, dozens of packages...and a fuckload of snow that would only continue to laugh in my southern-weather-loving-underwear. Travel Tip: the midwest gets cold and snowy and icy in the winter. Pack accordingly...do NOT, under any circumstances, pack the following: sandals, short-sleeve shirts, 3/4-sleeve shirts, shorts, short-pants, sunscreen, a beach ball, and hope that you'll see a warm day (because you WON'T).
Last day in Des Moines, we packed ALL the presents into the Ford Edge (great for winter driving...trust me), then packed me, my parents, my sister's dog and my grandmother in for what looked to be a 5-hour roadtrip back to Chicago. Then the snow hit.
Yep, we were on I-80, trying to stay ahead of the winter storm, when we hit a rather BIG accident. SEVEN tractor-trailers had left the road, crashed into one another and caused a several-mile-long backlog of other tractor-trailers, business travelers and a pissed-off redhead who just want to get home.
Cue the detour three miles from the crash. From the looks of the map, it appeared to only be about 5 miles out of the way. Awesome, I thought, we'll be back on track in no time. Funny, I don't remember Johnny Rolex telling me that "no time" was equal to "3 HOURS"! Seriously, the detour ran parallel to the interstate on a two lane road with drop-offs on both sides (no use turning around) and we could actually see the traffic back-up on the interstate...and I cried when I watched THAT traffic move and WE were still stuck. Oh, and my grandma wanted to get out and stretch her legs...because she was sitting in the front seat and I was wedged in the back behind my father at the wheel, two backpacks and a doggie bed. Travel Tip #2: 6'8" guys DON'T FOLD WELL!
We finally arrived in Chicago and my sister and brother-in-law joined us the next morning. That night for dinner, we had tacos (my parents are great cooks and turned ground turkey into a mexican delight). I had asked to drink milk to cool the burn of the medium salsa I would be enjoying. I would not have enjoyment.
As I prepared my first taco, I laid the meat on the tortilla, followed by shredded lettuce and cheese. All that was missing was that medium salsa. My father offered to hand it to me and as he brought it near...the bottle dropped out of his hands. At this point, I would've expected things to move in slow-motion, but they actually happened quite fast. The bottle dropped and knocked over my glass of milk...right on my right leg. If you've never had cold milk poured on your leg, it's not fun and, no, it does NOT do a body good. Here's the best part. I looked back at my dad's hand and HE WAS STILL HOLDING THE LID TO THE SALSA JAR. As it turns out, my sister had taken it upon herself to loosen the lid to make it easier for everyone at the table to get at the salsa, part of which now adorned the CEILING above the dining room table.
This was my Rectangular Box time. I had looked forward to going home for the holidays, to seeing my family and having warm meals cooked by someone other than Stouffer. But now, as I was going through the vacation, it appeared that the big guy upstairs had given me a Rectangular Box.
But in the following days, my dread would instead by replaced by touching warmth. Simple games of Scrabble with my family kept me smiling, warm coffee and cinnamon rolls greeted me in the morning, and everyone enjoyed their presents (I even got a Rectangular Box, which was filled with two shirts that I look forward to wearing...in colder weather). My mom even cried (and got me to cry too) when she and my dad finished their "Holiday Treasure Hunt" concocted by me and my sister to give them something special for Christmas.
And that's when it hit me. Every single Rectangular Box I've ever gotten, I've only seen the shirt/sweater/sweatsuit inside. But I missed the important part. The love that was put into picking out the shirt, the love put into wrapping it, and the love that was watching my face as I opened the package. And that's what I had here. I had a trip that wasn't quite what I expected, maybe not quite what I'd asked for. But, in the end, I'd seen and felt the love, which was the whole point all along.
To those of you traveling this holiday season, to those of you spending time with family and friends, and to those of you who will be celebrating alone or at work, take a moment amid all the clamor to be thankful for all the love shown to you throughout the year...and show a little of it to someone else in return.
Happy Holidays!
-B-
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
An Ode to Winter
Oh, Winter...
How you gently caress our faces with
little flakes of frosty delight.
How you bring in strong winds to
blow our high-profile vehicles across the roads.
And, yes, you continue to bring smiles
to the faces of the sane
as others around us fear the "falling white death."
Oh, Winter, we love you for your joy and mockery.
Actually, from a local TV news perspective, this producer in Chicago probably said it best... and the anchors cemented the point of how ridiculous the viewing public can be. Enjoy!
-B-
How you gently caress our faces with
little flakes of frosty delight.
How you bring in strong winds to
blow our high-profile vehicles across the roads.
And, yes, you continue to bring smiles
to the faces of the sane
as others around us fear the "falling white death."
Oh, Winter, we love you for your joy and mockery.
Actually, from a local TV news perspective, this producer in Chicago probably said it best... and the anchors cemented the point of how ridiculous the viewing public can be. Enjoy!
-B-
Monday, December 8, 2008
A Little Love
First, if you are easily offended, you should just skip this clip from this week's Saturday Night Live.
Second, if you are easily offended, you are probably NOT reading this blog.
-B-
Second, if you are easily offended, you are probably NOT reading this blog.
-B-
Saturday, December 6, 2008
Bail Money and Bailouts
If your Christmas shopping isn't done yet, might I suggest a new car?
For weeks, we've been listening to the CEOs of the Big 3 U.S. Automakers (GM, Ford and Chrysler) beg and plead on Capitol Hill for billions of dollars in bailout money. Hell, $700B is on its way through the BANKING sector (at a rate that's so fast, even the U.S. Treasury Department can't track it...now THAT'S financing!), why can't the auto industry have a chunk too?
You might remember a few weeks ago, the CEOs...whom I will now refer to as Larry, Moe and Shemp (because being called "Curly" would be too good for these money-grubbers)...spoke before Congress and asked for $25B in bailout money on top of another $20B already on its way to them. Congress lambasted Larry, Moe and Shemp for flying in THEIR CORPORATE JETS to the hearings. Fair enough. This week, the Stooges returned to Capitol Hill, this time carpooling and driving fuel-efficient vehicles (what a novel concept). Apparently, they thought they had done a good enough job traveling to the hearings, because they asked for $9B MORE than what they had originally asked for...a total of $34B. YOU...HAVE...GOT...TO...BE...HIGH!
Fortunately, Congress is doing something right. This morning, sources report to ABC News that a bailout of the auto industry has been approved...sort of. You see, instead of $34B, the auto industry will get $15-17B. And it's coming out of money that was ALREADY going to the industry for...get this...researching and developing ENERGY-EFFICIENT, ENVIRONMENTALLY-FRIENDLY VEHICLES!!! Oh, that's awesome. See, if automakers hadn't been charging $22,000 for a hybrid vehicle versus $17,000 for a car that runs on GAS-OH-LEEN, they'd be selling more hybrid vehicles, which means more would be made, which means fewer people would need to fill up their gas tanks 3 times a day, which means gas demand would drop, which means gas PRICES would drop and the environment would be cleaner and we'd be saving the earth. But...no. In fact, this week, new numbers were released to show there are more greenhouse gases in the atmosphere than this time a year ago! Is ANYONE paying attention to what they're doing???
I'm all for employment. In October of this year, more than HALF A MILLION Americans lost their jobs because we're in "a recession" (which really means we're in a DEPRESSION and no one wants to admit it). Many of those cuts came from the auto industry. Blue-collar workers earning $28/hour got the pink slip. In reality, the assembly-line workers AREN'T AT FAULT! They're just putting together the cars. They're not affecting whether the cars are affordable or energy-efficient. Instead, the higher-ups (read: Larry, Moe and Shemp) are pocketing money left and right, refusing to take any kind of pay cut because, hey, why start now? Why not just fire a bunch of people on the assembly line? Why not rob those people of happy holidays, and even better, why not make an environment of fear for the workers who are still employed..for now?
Sure, the Stooges volunteered to work for only a dollar a year...for one year. Really? How about a permanent, LESS ridiculous pay cut that can stave off the problems in your industry for longer than a couple of weeks? You're a trio of greedy sonofabitches who valued your bottom dollar and forgot about the bottom line...people buy affordable cars that don't require them to spend $40 a week on gas. I'd hope you three end up in the poorhouse...if I wasn't so concerned about your employees. I guess for this Christmas, I hope God and Santa leave you a truckload of good sense in your stocking...either that or reindeer poop.
Speaking of reindeer poop...actually, this has nothing to do with reindeer poop, but more with someone "coming down O.J. Simpson's chimney," if you know what I mean. I'm talking about the joy many inmates will soon have in anally raping the former NFL star. Some might call it comeuppance, but The Juice was sentenced to at least 8 years in prison Friday for his role in an armed robbery in Las Vegas. The family of Ron Goldman (the guy O.J. might've possibly thought about killing along with his wife, Nicole Brown Simpson) watched as The Juice let the crocodile tears flow and apologized for the robbery, then led out of the room in shackles. The Juice won't be loose for a long time.
Finally, I found a new columnist to read. He's started a column on slate.com and opined this week about how the government needs to stop bailouts. He makes reference to a new deal by GE to buy airplanes made in China...and not the U.S. Seriously, if you've never read anything by this Eliot Spitzer guy, you should really OPEN UP TO HIM. (His name rings some bells, but I can't remember where...) Really, if there's anything this guy knows, it's HOW TO GET DOWN TO BUSINESS. (Seriously, I know this guy from somewhere. Maybe he taught me some things in college...) Well, anyway, here's the link if you want to give him a try. Seems like he'd have a few TRICKS up his sleeve if he was to become, say, the CEO of a U.S. automaker. After all, what could it hurt to give this guy a test drive?
-B-
For weeks, we've been listening to the CEOs of the Big 3 U.S. Automakers (GM, Ford and Chrysler) beg and plead on Capitol Hill for billions of dollars in bailout money. Hell, $700B is on its way through the BANKING sector (at a rate that's so fast, even the U.S. Treasury Department can't track it...now THAT'S financing!), why can't the auto industry have a chunk too?
You might remember a few weeks ago, the CEOs...whom I will now refer to as Larry, Moe and Shemp (because being called "Curly" would be too good for these money-grubbers)...spoke before Congress and asked for $25B in bailout money on top of another $20B already on its way to them. Congress lambasted Larry, Moe and Shemp for flying in THEIR CORPORATE JETS to the hearings. Fair enough. This week, the Stooges returned to Capitol Hill, this time carpooling and driving fuel-efficient vehicles (what a novel concept). Apparently, they thought they had done a good enough job traveling to the hearings, because they asked for $9B MORE than what they had originally asked for...a total of $34B. YOU...HAVE...GOT...TO...BE...HIGH!
Fortunately, Congress is doing something right. This morning, sources report to ABC News that a bailout of the auto industry has been approved...sort of. You see, instead of $34B, the auto industry will get $15-17B. And it's coming out of money that was ALREADY going to the industry for...get this...researching and developing ENERGY-EFFICIENT, ENVIRONMENTALLY-FRIENDLY VEHICLES!!! Oh, that's awesome. See, if automakers hadn't been charging $22,000 for a hybrid vehicle versus $17,000 for a car that runs on GAS-OH-LEEN, they'd be selling more hybrid vehicles, which means more would be made, which means fewer people would need to fill up their gas tanks 3 times a day, which means gas demand would drop, which means gas PRICES would drop and the environment would be cleaner and we'd be saving the earth. But...no. In fact, this week, new numbers were released to show there are more greenhouse gases in the atmosphere than this time a year ago! Is ANYONE paying attention to what they're doing???
I'm all for employment. In October of this year, more than HALF A MILLION Americans lost their jobs because we're in "a recession" (which really means we're in a DEPRESSION and no one wants to admit it). Many of those cuts came from the auto industry. Blue-collar workers earning $28/hour got the pink slip. In reality, the assembly-line workers AREN'T AT FAULT! They're just putting together the cars. They're not affecting whether the cars are affordable or energy-efficient. Instead, the higher-ups (read: Larry, Moe and Shemp) are pocketing money left and right, refusing to take any kind of pay cut because, hey, why start now? Why not just fire a bunch of people on the assembly line? Why not rob those people of happy holidays, and even better, why not make an environment of fear for the workers who are still employed..for now?
Sure, the Stooges volunteered to work for only a dollar a year...for one year. Really? How about a permanent, LESS ridiculous pay cut that can stave off the problems in your industry for longer than a couple of weeks? You're a trio of greedy sonofabitches who valued your bottom dollar and forgot about the bottom line...people buy affordable cars that don't require them to spend $40 a week on gas. I'd hope you three end up in the poorhouse...if I wasn't so concerned about your employees. I guess for this Christmas, I hope God and Santa leave you a truckload of good sense in your stocking...either that or reindeer poop.
Speaking of reindeer poop...actually, this has nothing to do with reindeer poop, but more with someone "coming down O.J. Simpson's chimney," if you know what I mean. I'm talking about the joy many inmates will soon have in anally raping the former NFL star. Some might call it comeuppance, but The Juice was sentenced to at least 8 years in prison Friday for his role in an armed robbery in Las Vegas. The family of Ron Goldman (the guy O.J. might've possibly thought about killing along with his wife, Nicole Brown Simpson) watched as The Juice let the crocodile tears flow and apologized for the robbery, then led out of the room in shackles. The Juice won't be loose for a long time.
Finally, I found a new columnist to read. He's started a column on slate.com and opined this week about how the government needs to stop bailouts. He makes reference to a new deal by GE to buy airplanes made in China...and not the U.S. Seriously, if you've never read anything by this Eliot Spitzer guy, you should really OPEN UP TO HIM. (His name rings some bells, but I can't remember where...) Really, if there's anything this guy knows, it's HOW TO GET DOWN TO BUSINESS. (Seriously, I know this guy from somewhere. Maybe he taught me some things in college...) Well, anyway, here's the link if you want to give him a try. Seems like he'd have a few TRICKS up his sleeve if he was to become, say, the CEO of a U.S. automaker. After all, what could it hurt to give this guy a test drive?
-B-
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