Welcome to MY Final Four of "Hottest Mess in Entertainment." Today, it's top-seeded Britney Spears vs. seventh-seeded Angelina Jolie... and fourth-seeded Nicole Richie vs. sixth-seeded Lindsay Lohan. (for these games, the special referee will be Winona Ryder, who I'm told can NOT STOP STEALING SHIT FROM STORES! Seriously, I guess she was arrested again for shoplifting.)
Okay, sports fans...(1) Britney Spears vs. (7) Angelina Jolie
Y'know, I thought FOR SURE Spears was a lock...AGAIN...in the tournament. But I watched her guest stint on How I Met Your Mother, and I swear the show producers built a time machine, went back in time 5 years (pre-Timberlake, pre-K-Fed, pre-MTV Reality, pre-crackwhore, pre-natal) and plucked the NORMAL Britney out of the timestream, then brought her back for this "Very Special Episode" of How I Met Your Mother. Seriously, she seemed ditzy, but "Acting Ditzy." You know, like when President Bush says we're not in a recession? He has a promising future in Hollywood. He'll be like Ronald Reagan, but backwards. He's already got a great start...voters are already trying to forget Bush was ever in the White House.
Final analysis: A BIG upset here, but as the kids on South Park say, hasn't Britney been put through enough? I mean, seriously...she slept with K-Fed AT LEAST twice!
Winner: Angelina Jolie. She should be in the Guinness Book of World Records for "Largest Family Out of Wedlock." Not that I'm judging...
(4) Nicole Richie vs. (6) Lindsay Lohan
I read today film execs are FINALLY ready to release Lohan's latest film where she plays a woman who met, Mark David Chapman, the man who killed John Lennon. The film's called "Chapter 27," and Jared Leto plays Chapman. They wrapped up filming in 2006. Now, Lohan is coming out to say people didn't want her to make the movie. Not even her fans. She says she got death threats because "it's a touchy subject." I'll say...I've been watching her act for years, and I DEFINITELY don't want her associated with anything remotely related to the Beatles. I don't even want her to BUY a Volkswagen Beetle! I don't even want her to raise a DUNG BEETLE! I didn't see "I Know Who Killed Me," but I'm pretty sure it should have been renamed "I Know Who Killed My Acting Career" and it would still be a dual role...Lindsay Lohan acting onscreen (and committing career suicide) and Lindsay Lohan offscreen (and doing every single drug and sexual maneuver known to man..and quite a few that aren't). What, if there's not a sentient vehicle in a movie (which, by the way, THE LOVE BUG WAS A BEETLE), she can't act on her own??? She needs four wheels to do it??? Actually, her sitting behind the wheel of Herbie was the last time we DIDN'T see Lohan's ass plastered all over the big screen!
Final Analysis: ...oh yeah, I guess Nicole Richie was in this too.
Winner: You have to ask?
So, the championship game is between Angelina Jolie and Lindsay Lohan!
...crap...we have a problem...
OKAY, WHICH ONE OF YOU STOLE THE TROPHY?
-B-
Friday, March 28, 2008
Thursday, March 27, 2008
How to earn a $300 gift card
Below is my friend Darcy's blow-by-blow ordeal with Best Buy.
No names have been changed (except for Dwight) and it just shows you there is no such thing as customer service anymore.
Grab a beverage, this is a long one.
Subject: RE: Darcy and the Terrible, Horrible, No-Good, Very Bad Customer Service Experience
Date: Thu, 27 Mar 2008 16:52:36 -0500
UPDATE: $300 gift card is on its way!
Chikka chikka yeah!
-D
From: Darcy
Sent: Wednesday, March 26, 2008 10:54 PM
To: 'customercare@bestbuy.com'
Subject: Darcy and the Terrible, Horrible, No-Good, Very Bad Customer Service Experience
Dear Best Buy Customer Care Staff, and my friends and family who are copied on this email,
This is a chronological accounting of my experience trying to get a functioning iPod from Best Buy.
It’s pretty great.
From: Darcy Sherman
Sent: Monday, March 10, 2008 10:34 PM
To: 'customercare@bestbuy.com'
Subject: iPod and PSP Problems
Dear Customer Care Rep,
Like you, I once worked for big yellow tag. And like you, I often marveled at the stupid decisions made at the corporate level, with an utter disregard for the amount of irritation and disgust they would generate for customers. I feel that I am a victim of a bad decision made a corporate, with utter disregard as to how things would play out with the customers. That being said, I know what your form emails look like, and I DO NOT WANT. Please escalate this complaint to someone who is empowered by your corporate masters to do something useful.
On July 25, 2005, my parents bought me an iPod for my birthday. My mom didn’t want to buy the PSP because she reads Consumer Reports and knows they’re a rip off, but I told her it was a good idea because of battery issues with iPods (PSP # 2474246579). The salesman told us that if the iPod had to be repaired three times, I could get a new iPod as replacement. When I got it home, the iPod didn’t work. I returned it to the store, and they gave me a new one (iPod #2) and it powered up beautifully.
At some point in the late Summer/Fall of 2007, my iPod (#2) started having problems. It refused to power up. I checked Apple’s suggestions and tried a few tricks. This resulted in a Frowny Face, an Angry Battery Face, and some other evidence of illness. I brought my iPod to the Roseville store and a friendly Geek told me there was a defect in this vintage of iPod, where a wire would get knocked loose. To fix it, I just had to cram my thumbnail into the side of the iPod, and knock it around a bit. I tried that, and it worked. I did break my nail several times. Eventually, it stopped working, and I started getting the Frowny Face of Death and the iPod refused to power up at all. The Frowny Face stared at me, mocking me. I hate the Frowny Face of iPod Death.
On November 6, I brought broken, angry iPod (#2) to the Roseville store. I talked to a Geek (let’s call him Dwight, because it’s fun). Dwight informed me that I could either send in the iPod for repairs which would take three weeks, or I could get a refurbished one in three to five business days. He didn’t say anything about either choice having an effect on the original PSP plan. I wanted my iPod back quickly, so I picked the refurbished. Well more than a week later (not the 3-5 business days) I picked up iPod #3 and it worked, sort of, for a couple of days.
But by November 16, this iPod was also dead. The next day I learned that my friend’s husband died, and so I got in the car (in Minneapolis) so I could drive to Tioga, ND. Have you been to Tioga? It’s practically in Montana. And Canada. It is really, really far away. Had my iPod worked, I would have snagged my mom’s iTrip and brought it along. But no. My iPod was dead. So I had to travel the 4 hours to Fargo with no iPod. The first hour is fine, but after that it’s all classic rock. A girl can only take so much Foreigner. Trust. I dropped my car in Fargo and rode to Tioga with friends. I love my friends, but somehow they brought only one CD. This is sadism, on a terrifying level. Twelve songs, 13 hours, you do the math. I think I might have blacked out.
On November 19, I brought the iPod (#3) to the Fargo store. Some nice kid who is all of 15 assures me that I can drop the iPod (#3) off at their store, and they’ll have the replacement shipped to the Roseville store. I feel good. Geeks like me. They want to help me. I felt so loved, so validated, so confident I would soon have a functioning iPod. This, by the way, makes me both a sucker and an idiot.
By mid December, I still had not been contacted to pick up my next replacement iPod. This would be number four. I called the store at least four times. I sat on hold a lot. I once completed a pedicure while on hold. If you can get all ten toes, you are on hold for too long. That’s a fact. Finally I went to the Roseville store. On a Saturday in mid-December. Have you been to a Best Buy right before Christmas on a Saturday? The place was filled with savages. Horrible, terrible, people who don’t respect personal space, indoor voices, the value of a breath mint or the importance of attending to one’s wretched spawn. I got to see some meth tweakers try to return some stuff that was probably stolen. That was entertaining.
I fought my way to the Geek Squad counter, where I found Dwight. Again. I kept my cool and explained to Dwight that I was looking for my iPod. He looked up my service tag, and informed me that it was not at the store, and there was no record of it being shipped from the repair people. I asked what my options were. He told me I should call 888-BEST-BUY. I asked how someone in the Philippines (note- ECC calls were routed there when I worked at BBY), using the same tracking system as him, would locate an iPod that he could not locate. He said he didn’t know. I explained that I had worked at corporate, and had no intention of calling 888-BEST-BUY when it would obviously not do any good. I asked about getting a new replacement from the store, since I had dealt with so many problems, and must be close to or at the three repairs I was told about when I bought the PSP. Dwight the Magnificent informed me that the Minnesota Attorney General would not ALLOW Best Buy to replace a product until it had been repaired five times. This, clearly, is insane. So insane, it left me speechless. How do you argue with someone who says something so incredibly stupid? Answer: you don’t.
At this point, I went to the customer service desk to speak to a manager. After waiting for 20 minutes, I spoke to Erin the Ops Manager. Now, Erin is fantastic. I explained my dilemma, and that Dwight had recommended 888-BEST-BUY. She agreed that calling the Philippines was, in fact, not a good solution. She then found a great solution. She went into receiving and brought back my iPod (#4). Yes, it was in the store the whole time. Awesome.
So I take iPod (#4) and it works ok. The battery doesn’t stay charged as long as trusty iPod #2, but I don’t want to deal with Dwight, so I make it work. But then on Friday, February 29, 2008. I drove to Fargo again. Ten minutes into the four-hour drive, the iPod (#4) froze up. I reset it, which resulted in the Frowny Face of Death, followed by a total death. These things are worse than goldfish from the carnie booth at the fair. On March 1, I brought my iPod to the Fargo store, where a different friendly 15 year old confirmed that the iPod (#4) was, in fact, dead. The Geek offered to mail it in and have a replacement sent to Roseville, but considering what happened the last time we tried that, I decided to bring it directly to the Roseville store.
On March 6, 2008, I went back to the Roseville store. Guess who’s manning the Geek Squad desk? Dwight! For real! So I hand my iPod over to Dwight, and he confirms that it is, in fact, dead. Gee thanks, Dwight. I asked him to look up how many repairs I have had to see if I qualify for a new one, and he informs me that the refurbished iPods don’t count as repairs. Rather, they count as replacements, and therefore I would need to get this broken iPod repaired five times before I could get a new one. Fact: this is in DIRECT CONTRADICTION to what Dwight told me before. Now I’m getting a bit frustrated. Dwight then looked at the serial number and eyed me suspiciously. “This number is one digit off. That’s…(serious, accusing face)…odd.” He looks at me like I have somehow put one over on him. Now, how would I go about getting my hands on an iPod with a serial number with one digit off? More importantly, why? And if I were stealing iPods somehow, wouldn’t I get one that works? Dwight then tells me he can’t do anything with the iPod #4 because the Fargo store didn’t close the ticket on iPod #3. I explained that I was somewhat underwhelmed by the string of broken iPods I got through the refurbishing program, and asked how I can go about getting an iPod that works. He said he didn’t know, and that I should call 888-BEST-BUY. I suppressed the urge to smash things, and got out of there.
Seriously, Dwight. Seriously. This is all you got? And you wear that Geek uniform? C’mon man. Suck it up and make it happen.
Recap: I have now had FOUR iPods die. I have no functioning iPod. In the last six months, I have spent more time without a function iPod than I have with a functioning iPod. I’ve also spent way too much time listening to Dwight. This is time I will never back, people. Never!
I am entitled to a new iPod, not only because of the obscene amount of time I have wasted dealing with ill-informed/unhelpful people and subpar tech service, but because of the things I have been forced to listen to because I do not have an iPod to keep me company.
I ride the bus. Do you ride the bus? The bus is full of savages. Here is a partial list of things I have heard on the bus:
1. Some dude describing his kid’s explosive diarrhea.
2. The N-word, 7, 027 times. At least.
3. Which 14 year old is going to get an “ass-beating” and why.
4. How Jesus saves, 29 times. At least.
5. Indecipherable mumbling, possibly involving someone throwing a body in the river.
6. The fad diets old chubby secretaries are really feeling good about.
7. White girls uttering “Oh no you di-int!” and its linguistic cousin, “B*tch, please!”
8. Farts.
I also have been without a functioning iPod at the gym. Do you go to the gym? It is also full of savages. Here is a partial list of things I have heard at the gym:
1. Creepy guys blathering incessantly about their new “regimen” while they stand around and fail to work out.
2. Sorority girls talking about being 24 and not married must be “really sad.” (I’m 30.)
3. Grunts, moans, wheezes.
4. Ron Paul supporters.
5. Farts.
Not only do I suffer these indignities, but I am in law school. I deal with the grossly overconfident and under-smart on a regular basis. I don’t want to do it in my free time. This means you, Dwight! Also, law school takes a lot of time. They own me, 24-7! Getting out to a Best Buy store is a pain, and it interrupts my schedule. I am supposed to study all the time. I cannot study while I am trapped in a Best Buy store, listening to a 9-year-old destroy Wolfmother on Guitar Hero. Not only that, but I downloaded a bunch of study materials onto my iPod (#3) but couldn’t use them. I had a plan to get awesome, perfect grades, and you ruined it, Dwight!
In summary, I deserve a new iPod, and if Best Buy won’t give me one, I’m going to the Apple store, which is 100% Dwight-free and gives student discounts.
Sincerely,
Darcy
University of Minnesota Law School
Class of 2008
In response, I received this email:
-----Original Message-----
From: prvs=OnlineStore=949e56494@BestBuy.com [mailto:prvs=OnlineStore=949e56494@BestBuy.com] On Behalf Of customercare@bestbuy.com
Sent: Tuesday, March 11, 2008 04:50 AM
To: Darcy Sherman
Subject: Re: iPod and PSP Problems
Darcy,
I am Cristina with Best Buy Customer Care.
At Best Buy, we understand the importance of good service, as well as how frustrating poor service can be. I apologize that your experience with your purchased iPod has been unpleasant.
Best Buy strives to make each experience you have with us a positive one. Our goal is to provide a high level of service and convenience to our customers. If we are not able to meet your expectations, we document these issues and serves as our guidelines for improvement. In addition, these cases are taken seriously and documented for internal reviews. We will assure you that this information will be use to continue to improve our business as a whole.
However, you have contacted the Customer Care department which supports our online customers. If it is a store purchase, please contact the store where you bought the iPod for the most accurate response to your question. We do not have access through stores. You may also contact our Consumer Department by calling 1-888-237-8289. Upon reaching the automated menu, select the option for Consumer Relations.
I apologize for any inconvenience this may have caused you.
Sincerely,
Cristina
Best Buy Customer Care Team
OK. Deep breath. Is Cristina telling me that customercare@bestbuy.com is not for Best Buy store customers? Is she seriously telling me that Customer Care cannot access store information? Did she give me an alternate email address? No, she sure didn’t! Oh, but she is so very, very sorry. She understands that this is frustrating. Awesome. Thanks, Cristina.
I called 888-BESTBUY on March 11. I spent over 30 minutes on the phone and spoke to four or five different people. Everyone was very, very sorry to hear about my technological loss. Oh, it felt so good. No, wait, it felt like everyone was reading from a script. Well, whatever. I was finally transferred to Shauna at extension 60417. She managed to close the ticket opened by the Fargo store in November. She then told me that I should go back to the store and explain the situation, and I would be able to get a new iPod. She told me that if the store couldn’t help, I should call her back. Cool.
On March 20, I went back to the Roseville store and asked for a manager. I spoke to Kevin Naas and explained my situation. He told me that Apple wouldn’t “let” Best Buy replace the iPod. Now, this is crap. It’s not like Apple shows up with a baseball bat if Best Buy chooses to provide superior customer service, they simply won’t reimburse Best Buy. That’s a major distinction. I’m not backing down, so we proceed to the Geek Squad counter, which is mercifully Dwight-less. The Geek can’t figure out what’s going on with the various service tags, so they get another manager, Christine. She looks at my service record, mutters “Oh, wow…” under her breath, and says it can be replaced through the No Lemon people, whoever they are. I told Christine, Kevin, and the unnamed Geek that I did not want this iPod back after another repair, as I am wholly unimpressed with this option. Christine assures me that the No Lemon people can review the whole record of repairs and assorted indignities, and they have the power to authorize replacements. I am told that someone will let me know in a “couple of days.”
By March 26, I haven’t heard anything, so I called 888-BESTBUY. The first person I spoke to couldn’t figure it out and forwarded me on. The second person was having computer problems, so I asked to be transferred to Shauna at extension 60417. The CCR informed me that she couldn’t transfer me because that number was on another system. (You hide the helpful people? Why do you do this?) Oh, but she could transfer me to someone who handled repairs. She then proceeded to transfer me to someone in repairs. Television repairs. He told me to call the store, because he couldn’t transfer me to someone who could help.
I called the store and got transferred to the Geek Squad, after being disconnected once and sitting on hold. The Geek informed me that my iPod was being repaired. I explained that it had been sent out for replacement, per his management, and I didn’t want it repaired. He told me that I would need three defective replacements (note: is it three or five? No one knows. It is a cosmic mystery.) before I could get a new one. Sigh. I asked to speak to the MOD. I sat on hold for several minutes, until I was informed that the manager wasn’t there. He took a message and told me that the manager would call me in 20 minutes. This was at 6:20. It is now 10:54, which by my math is much longer than 20 minutes, and no one has called.
In summary, these are the things I do not currently have:
1. a functioning iPod
2. any iPod, for that matter
3. an ETA for my iPod, or a better iPod
4. faith in Best Buy
5. faith in humanity
It would be just super if someone competent took the reigns on this and actually got something done.
Sincerely,
Darcy
University of Minnesota Law School
Class of 2008
Former Bestbuy.com Fraud Investigator
No names have been changed (except for Dwight) and it just shows you there is no such thing as customer service anymore.
Grab a beverage, this is a long one.
Subject: RE: Darcy and the Terrible, Horrible, No-Good, Very Bad Customer Service Experience
Date: Thu, 27 Mar 2008 16:52:36 -0500
UPDATE: $300 gift card is on its way!
Chikka chikka yeah!
-D
From: Darcy
Sent: Wednesday, March 26, 2008 10:54 PM
To: 'customercare@bestbuy.com'
Subject: Darcy and the Terrible, Horrible, No-Good, Very Bad Customer Service Experience
Dear Best Buy Customer Care Staff, and my friends and family who are copied on this email,
This is a chronological accounting of my experience trying to get a functioning iPod from Best Buy.
It’s pretty great.
From: Darcy Sherman
Sent: Monday, March 10, 2008 10:34 PM
To: 'customercare@bestbuy.com'
Subject: iPod and PSP Problems
Dear Customer Care Rep,
Like you, I once worked for big yellow tag. And like you, I often marveled at the stupid decisions made at the corporate level, with an utter disregard for the amount of irritation and disgust they would generate for customers. I feel that I am a victim of a bad decision made a corporate, with utter disregard as to how things would play out with the customers. That being said, I know what your form emails look like, and I DO NOT WANT. Please escalate this complaint to someone who is empowered by your corporate masters to do something useful.
On July 25, 2005, my parents bought me an iPod for my birthday. My mom didn’t want to buy the PSP because she reads Consumer Reports and knows they’re a rip off, but I told her it was a good idea because of battery issues with iPods (PSP # 2474246579). The salesman told us that if the iPod had to be repaired three times, I could get a new iPod as replacement. When I got it home, the iPod didn’t work. I returned it to the store, and they gave me a new one (iPod #2) and it powered up beautifully.
At some point in the late Summer/Fall of 2007, my iPod (#2) started having problems. It refused to power up. I checked Apple’s suggestions and tried a few tricks. This resulted in a Frowny Face, an Angry Battery Face, and some other evidence of illness. I brought my iPod to the Roseville store and a friendly Geek told me there was a defect in this vintage of iPod, where a wire would get knocked loose. To fix it, I just had to cram my thumbnail into the side of the iPod, and knock it around a bit. I tried that, and it worked. I did break my nail several times. Eventually, it stopped working, and I started getting the Frowny Face of Death and the iPod refused to power up at all. The Frowny Face stared at me, mocking me. I hate the Frowny Face of iPod Death.
On November 6, I brought broken, angry iPod (#2) to the Roseville store. I talked to a Geek (let’s call him Dwight, because it’s fun). Dwight informed me that I could either send in the iPod for repairs which would take three weeks, or I could get a refurbished one in three to five business days. He didn’t say anything about either choice having an effect on the original PSP plan. I wanted my iPod back quickly, so I picked the refurbished. Well more than a week later (not the 3-5 business days) I picked up iPod #3 and it worked, sort of, for a couple of days.
But by November 16, this iPod was also dead. The next day I learned that my friend’s husband died, and so I got in the car (in Minneapolis) so I could drive to Tioga, ND. Have you been to Tioga? It’s practically in Montana. And Canada. It is really, really far away. Had my iPod worked, I would have snagged my mom’s iTrip and brought it along. But no. My iPod was dead. So I had to travel the 4 hours to Fargo with no iPod. The first hour is fine, but after that it’s all classic rock. A girl can only take so much Foreigner. Trust. I dropped my car in Fargo and rode to Tioga with friends. I love my friends, but somehow they brought only one CD. This is sadism, on a terrifying level. Twelve songs, 13 hours, you do the math. I think I might have blacked out.
On November 19, I brought the iPod (#3) to the Fargo store. Some nice kid who is all of 15 assures me that I can drop the iPod (#3) off at their store, and they’ll have the replacement shipped to the Roseville store. I feel good. Geeks like me. They want to help me. I felt so loved, so validated, so confident I would soon have a functioning iPod. This, by the way, makes me both a sucker and an idiot.
By mid December, I still had not been contacted to pick up my next replacement iPod. This would be number four. I called the store at least four times. I sat on hold a lot. I once completed a pedicure while on hold. If you can get all ten toes, you are on hold for too long. That’s a fact. Finally I went to the Roseville store. On a Saturday in mid-December. Have you been to a Best Buy right before Christmas on a Saturday? The place was filled with savages. Horrible, terrible, people who don’t respect personal space, indoor voices, the value of a breath mint or the importance of attending to one’s wretched spawn. I got to see some meth tweakers try to return some stuff that was probably stolen. That was entertaining.
I fought my way to the Geek Squad counter, where I found Dwight. Again. I kept my cool and explained to Dwight that I was looking for my iPod. He looked up my service tag, and informed me that it was not at the store, and there was no record of it being shipped from the repair people. I asked what my options were. He told me I should call 888-BEST-BUY. I asked how someone in the Philippines (note- ECC calls were routed there when I worked at BBY), using the same tracking system as him, would locate an iPod that he could not locate. He said he didn’t know. I explained that I had worked at corporate, and had no intention of calling 888-BEST-BUY when it would obviously not do any good. I asked about getting a new replacement from the store, since I had dealt with so many problems, and must be close to or at the three repairs I was told about when I bought the PSP. Dwight the Magnificent informed me that the Minnesota Attorney General would not ALLOW Best Buy to replace a product until it had been repaired five times. This, clearly, is insane. So insane, it left me speechless. How do you argue with someone who says something so incredibly stupid? Answer: you don’t.
At this point, I went to the customer service desk to speak to a manager. After waiting for 20 minutes, I spoke to Erin the Ops Manager. Now, Erin is fantastic. I explained my dilemma, and that Dwight had recommended 888-BEST-BUY. She agreed that calling the Philippines was, in fact, not a good solution. She then found a great solution. She went into receiving and brought back my iPod (#4). Yes, it was in the store the whole time. Awesome.
So I take iPod (#4) and it works ok. The battery doesn’t stay charged as long as trusty iPod #2, but I don’t want to deal with Dwight, so I make it work. But then on Friday, February 29, 2008. I drove to Fargo again. Ten minutes into the four-hour drive, the iPod (#4) froze up. I reset it, which resulted in the Frowny Face of Death, followed by a total death. These things are worse than goldfish from the carnie booth at the fair. On March 1, I brought my iPod to the Fargo store, where a different friendly 15 year old confirmed that the iPod (#4) was, in fact, dead. The Geek offered to mail it in and have a replacement sent to Roseville, but considering what happened the last time we tried that, I decided to bring it directly to the Roseville store.
On March 6, 2008, I went back to the Roseville store. Guess who’s manning the Geek Squad desk? Dwight! For real! So I hand my iPod over to Dwight, and he confirms that it is, in fact, dead. Gee thanks, Dwight. I asked him to look up how many repairs I have had to see if I qualify for a new one, and he informs me that the refurbished iPods don’t count as repairs. Rather, they count as replacements, and therefore I would need to get this broken iPod repaired five times before I could get a new one. Fact: this is in DIRECT CONTRADICTION to what Dwight told me before. Now I’m getting a bit frustrated. Dwight then looked at the serial number and eyed me suspiciously. “This number is one digit off. That’s…(serious, accusing face)…odd.” He looks at me like I have somehow put one over on him. Now, how would I go about getting my hands on an iPod with a serial number with one digit off? More importantly, why? And if I were stealing iPods somehow, wouldn’t I get one that works? Dwight then tells me he can’t do anything with the iPod #4 because the Fargo store didn’t close the ticket on iPod #3. I explained that I was somewhat underwhelmed by the string of broken iPods I got through the refurbishing program, and asked how I can go about getting an iPod that works. He said he didn’t know, and that I should call 888-BEST-BUY. I suppressed the urge to smash things, and got out of there.
Seriously, Dwight. Seriously. This is all you got? And you wear that Geek uniform? C’mon man. Suck it up and make it happen.
Recap: I have now had FOUR iPods die. I have no functioning iPod. In the last six months, I have spent more time without a function iPod than I have with a functioning iPod. I’ve also spent way too much time listening to Dwight. This is time I will never back, people. Never!
I am entitled to a new iPod, not only because of the obscene amount of time I have wasted dealing with ill-informed/unhelpful people and subpar tech service, but because of the things I have been forced to listen to because I do not have an iPod to keep me company.
I ride the bus. Do you ride the bus? The bus is full of savages. Here is a partial list of things I have heard on the bus:
1. Some dude describing his kid’s explosive diarrhea.
2. The N-word, 7, 027 times. At least.
3. Which 14 year old is going to get an “ass-beating” and why.
4. How Jesus saves, 29 times. At least.
5. Indecipherable mumbling, possibly involving someone throwing a body in the river.
6. The fad diets old chubby secretaries are really feeling good about.
7. White girls uttering “Oh no you di-int!” and its linguistic cousin, “B*tch, please!”
8. Farts.
I also have been without a functioning iPod at the gym. Do you go to the gym? It is also full of savages. Here is a partial list of things I have heard at the gym:
1. Creepy guys blathering incessantly about their new “regimen” while they stand around and fail to work out.
2. Sorority girls talking about being 24 and not married must be “really sad.” (I’m 30.)
3. Grunts, moans, wheezes.
4. Ron Paul supporters.
5. Farts.
Not only do I suffer these indignities, but I am in law school. I deal with the grossly overconfident and under-smart on a regular basis. I don’t want to do it in my free time. This means you, Dwight! Also, law school takes a lot of time. They own me, 24-7! Getting out to a Best Buy store is a pain, and it interrupts my schedule. I am supposed to study all the time. I cannot study while I am trapped in a Best Buy store, listening to a 9-year-old destroy Wolfmother on Guitar Hero. Not only that, but I downloaded a bunch of study materials onto my iPod (#3) but couldn’t use them. I had a plan to get awesome, perfect grades, and you ruined it, Dwight!
In summary, I deserve a new iPod, and if Best Buy won’t give me one, I’m going to the Apple store, which is 100% Dwight-free and gives student discounts.
Sincerely,
Darcy
University of Minnesota Law School
Class of 2008
In response, I received this email:
-----Original Message-----
From: prvs=OnlineStore=949e56494@BestBuy.com [mailto:prvs=OnlineStore=949e56494@BestBuy.com] On Behalf Of customercare@bestbuy.com
Sent: Tuesday, March 11, 2008 04:50 AM
To: Darcy Sherman
Subject: Re: iPod and PSP Problems
Darcy,
I am Cristina with Best Buy Customer Care.
At Best Buy, we understand the importance of good service, as well as how frustrating poor service can be. I apologize that your experience with your purchased iPod has been unpleasant.
Best Buy strives to make each experience you have with us a positive one. Our goal is to provide a high level of service and convenience to our customers. If we are not able to meet your expectations, we document these issues and serves as our guidelines for improvement. In addition, these cases are taken seriously and documented for internal reviews. We will assure you that this information will be use to continue to improve our business as a whole.
However, you have contacted the Customer Care department which supports our online customers. If it is a store purchase, please contact the store where you bought the iPod for the most accurate response to your question. We do not have access through stores. You may also contact our Consumer Department by calling 1-888-237-8289. Upon reaching the automated menu, select the option for Consumer Relations.
I apologize for any inconvenience this may have caused you.
Sincerely,
Cristina
Best Buy Customer Care Team
OK. Deep breath. Is Cristina telling me that customercare@bestbuy.com is not for Best Buy store customers? Is she seriously telling me that Customer Care cannot access store information? Did she give me an alternate email address? No, she sure didn’t! Oh, but she is so very, very sorry. She understands that this is frustrating. Awesome. Thanks, Cristina.
I called 888-BESTBUY on March 11. I spent over 30 minutes on the phone and spoke to four or five different people. Everyone was very, very sorry to hear about my technological loss. Oh, it felt so good. No, wait, it felt like everyone was reading from a script. Well, whatever. I was finally transferred to Shauna at extension 60417. She managed to close the ticket opened by the Fargo store in November. She then told me that I should go back to the store and explain the situation, and I would be able to get a new iPod. She told me that if the store couldn’t help, I should call her back. Cool.
On March 20, I went back to the Roseville store and asked for a manager. I spoke to Kevin Naas and explained my situation. He told me that Apple wouldn’t “let” Best Buy replace the iPod. Now, this is crap. It’s not like Apple shows up with a baseball bat if Best Buy chooses to provide superior customer service, they simply won’t reimburse Best Buy. That’s a major distinction. I’m not backing down, so we proceed to the Geek Squad counter, which is mercifully Dwight-less. The Geek can’t figure out what’s going on with the various service tags, so they get another manager, Christine. She looks at my service record, mutters “Oh, wow…” under her breath, and says it can be replaced through the No Lemon people, whoever they are. I told Christine, Kevin, and the unnamed Geek that I did not want this iPod back after another repair, as I am wholly unimpressed with this option. Christine assures me that the No Lemon people can review the whole record of repairs and assorted indignities, and they have the power to authorize replacements. I am told that someone will let me know in a “couple of days.”
By March 26, I haven’t heard anything, so I called 888-BESTBUY. The first person I spoke to couldn’t figure it out and forwarded me on. The second person was having computer problems, so I asked to be transferred to Shauna at extension 60417. The CCR informed me that she couldn’t transfer me because that number was on another system. (You hide the helpful people? Why do you do this?) Oh, but she could transfer me to someone who handled repairs. She then proceeded to transfer me to someone in repairs. Television repairs. He told me to call the store, because he couldn’t transfer me to someone who could help.
I called the store and got transferred to the Geek Squad, after being disconnected once and sitting on hold. The Geek informed me that my iPod was being repaired. I explained that it had been sent out for replacement, per his management, and I didn’t want it repaired. He told me that I would need three defective replacements (note: is it three or five? No one knows. It is a cosmic mystery.) before I could get a new one. Sigh. I asked to speak to the MOD. I sat on hold for several minutes, until I was informed that the manager wasn’t there. He took a message and told me that the manager would call me in 20 minutes. This was at 6:20. It is now 10:54, which by my math is much longer than 20 minutes, and no one has called.
In summary, these are the things I do not currently have:
1. a functioning iPod
2. any iPod, for that matter
3. an ETA for my iPod, or a better iPod
4. faith in Best Buy
5. faith in humanity
It would be just super if someone competent took the reigns on this and actually got something done.
Sincerely,
Darcy
University of Minnesota Law School
Class of 2008
Former Bestbuy.com Fraud Investigator
Friday, March 21, 2008
It's Late March...
Fill out your brackets, give up your "gambling rehab" and get ready for March Madness!
Um, no, this is NOT about basketball. We're looking for the most screwed up person/persons in the U.S.
Round 1: (1) Britney Spears vs. (8) Miley Cyrus
Seems like a gimme, but cast members on How I Met Your Mother (have been paid to) say GOOD things about Britney's upcoming guest appearance on the CBS sitcom. It airs next Monday (3/24). Britney's role is relegated to that of a receptionist who has a thing for the main character on the show. Alicia Silverstone was also set to guest, but apparently when she heard Britney was coming on, she backed out (no joke). Sarah Chalke from Scrubs will take Silverstone's place.
Miley Cyrus had her name legally changed from Destiny Hope Cyrus. Hey, you can have the "best of both worlds"...except when it comes to your NAME.
Final analysis: Britney showed up ON TIME (more than she can do for her children in custody hearings with K-Fed) to shoot the episode and wasn't drunk. But show producers won't say how many takes it took her to get her lines right. Cyrus...she's got a couple more years before I can truly consider her a top seed in the tournament. Not looking for an upset here. Britney's still "Crazy."
Winner: (1) Britney Spears
(2) The Olsen Twins vs. (7) Angelina Jolie
The Olsens have been pretty prominent in the media in the last year, with mentions of rehab and connections to the late Heath Ledger (if you'll recall, the woman who found Ledger's cold, lifeless body thought it more important to call one of the Olsens to ask if she should "Still fluff pillows?" than to call 911). But Angelina Jolie's making headlines for her next child, who will NOT be purchased from a "United Colors of Benetton" ad.
Final Analysis: OH, COME ON! What's more twisted than Angelina Jolie GIVING BIRTH???
Winner: Angelina Jolie in an upset. (Hey, don't look at me...the brackets were signed before she announced the "blessed" event)
(3) Paris Hilton vs. (6) Lindsay Lohan
This one's a toss-up. Again, the Committee's brackets were posted last fall and took into account Hilton's time in the slammer and Lohan's time in rehab.
Final Analysis: Lohan seems to have dropped out of the headlines (and rehab at LEAST once), while Hilton is seen with a much older beau...wait, I'm being told that is NOT her beau...he is a GURU...and apparently asexual.
Winner: Lindsay Lohan. Paris is due to be in an upcoming episode of My Name is Earl (LOVE that show)... and an asexual guru assures the populace that Paris will NOT be joining her former "Simple Life" BFF Nicole Richie at Babies R Us. Speaking of...
(4) Nicole Richie vs. (5) Amy Winehouse
They tried to give her condoms, but she said "No, no, no."
Seriously, congrats to Nicole on the birth of her child. Now, the media can go back to asking if she's too skinny. Funny thing...she calls it "baby weight," we call it "thanksgiving dinner." Winehouse, on the other hand, found a way to win AND accept a Grammy without being in the United States. They wouldn't let her back in the U.S....something about drugs...
Final Analysis: It all comes down to this: who WILL BE less screwed up? Will being a Grammy winner force Amy Winehouse to focus less on her "bongs" and more on her "songs"? And will being a mommy force Nicole Richie to focus on her health and EAT A DAMN CRACKER???
Winner: Nicole Richie. Oh, and I have to give her this package I received for her from Ethiopia's president... he wanted to send her some food.
-B-
Um, no, this is NOT about basketball. We're looking for the most screwed up person/persons in the U.S.
Round 1: (1) Britney Spears vs. (8) Miley Cyrus
Seems like a gimme, but cast members on How I Met Your Mother (have been paid to) say GOOD things about Britney's upcoming guest appearance on the CBS sitcom. It airs next Monday (3/24). Britney's role is relegated to that of a receptionist who has a thing for the main character on the show. Alicia Silverstone was also set to guest, but apparently when she heard Britney was coming on, she backed out (no joke). Sarah Chalke from Scrubs will take Silverstone's place.
Miley Cyrus had her name legally changed from Destiny Hope Cyrus. Hey, you can have the "best of both worlds"...except when it comes to your NAME.
Final analysis: Britney showed up ON TIME (more than she can do for her children in custody hearings with K-Fed) to shoot the episode and wasn't drunk. But show producers won't say how many takes it took her to get her lines right. Cyrus...she's got a couple more years before I can truly consider her a top seed in the tournament. Not looking for an upset here. Britney's still "Crazy."
Winner: (1) Britney Spears
(2) The Olsen Twins vs. (7) Angelina Jolie
The Olsens have been pretty prominent in the media in the last year, with mentions of rehab and connections to the late Heath Ledger (if you'll recall, the woman who found Ledger's cold, lifeless body thought it more important to call one of the Olsens to ask if she should "Still fluff pillows?" than to call 911). But Angelina Jolie's making headlines for her next child, who will NOT be purchased from a "United Colors of Benetton" ad.
Final Analysis: OH, COME ON! What's more twisted than Angelina Jolie GIVING BIRTH???
Winner: Angelina Jolie in an upset. (Hey, don't look at me...the brackets were signed before she announced the "blessed" event)
(3) Paris Hilton vs. (6) Lindsay Lohan
This one's a toss-up. Again, the Committee's brackets were posted last fall and took into account Hilton's time in the slammer and Lohan's time in rehab.
Final Analysis: Lohan seems to have dropped out of the headlines (and rehab at LEAST once), while Hilton is seen with a much older beau...wait, I'm being told that is NOT her beau...he is a GURU...and apparently asexual.
Winner: Lindsay Lohan. Paris is due to be in an upcoming episode of My Name is Earl (LOVE that show)... and an asexual guru assures the populace that Paris will NOT be joining her former "Simple Life" BFF Nicole Richie at Babies R Us. Speaking of...
(4) Nicole Richie vs. (5) Amy Winehouse
They tried to give her condoms, but she said "No, no, no."
Seriously, congrats to Nicole on the birth of her child. Now, the media can go back to asking if she's too skinny. Funny thing...she calls it "baby weight," we call it "thanksgiving dinner." Winehouse, on the other hand, found a way to win AND accept a Grammy without being in the United States. They wouldn't let her back in the U.S....something about drugs...
Final Analysis: It all comes down to this: who WILL BE less screwed up? Will being a Grammy winner force Amy Winehouse to focus less on her "bongs" and more on her "songs"? And will being a mommy force Nicole Richie to focus on her health and EAT A DAMN CRACKER???
Winner: Nicole Richie. Oh, and I have to give her this package I received for her from Ethiopia's president... he wanted to send her some food.
-B-
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
Be Careful Where You Poke That Thing
So, of course I can't let this one go untouched...
New York Governor Elliot Spitzer, who vowed to root out corruption in the state's government. Spitzer, a Democrat (full disclosure: I'm also a Democrat), is serving his first term in office... and was allegedly caught on federal wiretap TRYING TO BUY A PROSTITUTE. Investigators say he paid for the girl to take a train from New York to Washington...which makes it a federal crime since the girl crossed state lines. Spitzer knows all about the young women. After all, he's 48 years old and is the father of three teenage girls.
No big surprise that republicans want him to quit. Duh. No word yet on whether he will resign...unless you were watching Fox News Channel on Monday (3/10/08). Shepard Smith, doing his reporter duty by covering the story in MISSISSIPPI (to be fair, he was covering the Tuesday primaries) and said "(Spitzer) came in, he resigned and that was it." (Smith corrected himself minutes later.) 45 minutes later, a graphic aired that said Spitzer was expected to resign later Monday. Uh.....no. But thanks, Fox, for playing and we have some lovely parting gifts:
A libel/slander suit,
another round of accusations of conservative "reporting,"
AND A YEAR'S SUPPLY OF TURTLE WAX!
Poor reporting aside, let's not overlook that a governor in New York is accused of paying for a prostitute. A little more illegal than Detroit Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick, who's rep is falling for apparently sending his secretary illicit text messages...without his wife knowing. Oh, THAT guy's a piece of work best reserved for another post...
But if it turns out to be true, does Spitzer's "purchase" (provided it was not paid for by Joe Taxpayer...now THAT'D be a case of blowing your money) make him unfit to serve as governor? I mean, if anything, it shows he knows a lot about interstate commerce and business relations. Heck, I hear they're even considering a new state bird for New York in his honor...
The Spitzer Swallow.
-B-
New York Governor Elliot Spitzer, who vowed to root out corruption in the state's government. Spitzer, a Democrat (full disclosure: I'm also a Democrat), is serving his first term in office... and was allegedly caught on federal wiretap TRYING TO BUY A PROSTITUTE. Investigators say he paid for the girl to take a train from New York to Washington...which makes it a federal crime since the girl crossed state lines. Spitzer knows all about the young women. After all, he's 48 years old and is the father of three teenage girls.
No big surprise that republicans want him to quit. Duh. No word yet on whether he will resign...unless you were watching Fox News Channel on Monday (3/10/08). Shepard Smith, doing his reporter duty by covering the story in MISSISSIPPI (to be fair, he was covering the Tuesday primaries) and said "(Spitzer) came in, he resigned and that was it." (Smith corrected himself minutes later.) 45 minutes later, a graphic aired that said Spitzer was expected to resign later Monday. Uh.....no. But thanks, Fox, for playing and we have some lovely parting gifts:
A libel/slander suit,
another round of accusations of conservative "reporting,"
AND A YEAR'S SUPPLY OF TURTLE WAX!
Poor reporting aside, let's not overlook that a governor in New York is accused of paying for a prostitute. A little more illegal than Detroit Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick, who's rep is falling for apparently sending his secretary illicit text messages...without his wife knowing. Oh, THAT guy's a piece of work best reserved for another post...
But if it turns out to be true, does Spitzer's "purchase" (provided it was not paid for by Joe Taxpayer...now THAT'D be a case of blowing your money) make him unfit to serve as governor? I mean, if anything, it shows he knows a lot about interstate commerce and business relations. Heck, I hear they're even considering a new state bird for New York in his honor...
The Spitzer Swallow.
-B-
Thursday, March 6, 2008
An Explosion...and An Apology
For those of you following the news Thursday (3/6/08) morning, yes, there was an explosion in Times Square. And yes, because it's New York, the entire city simultaneously shit their pants and blocked off several blocks around the explosion site. As it turns out, some tool on a bike threw an "incideniary device" (read: something like a pipe bomb) at a military recruiting office. Then he GOT AWAY ON A BICYCLE. To repeat...the "mad bomber" who shut down Times Square was able to use his high criminal intellect to elude police ON A BICYCLE. Yup, good to see the city's police force has improved since 9/11. What, your Segways couldn't catch up to his high-tech escape vehicle? Quick, warn Schwinn and Huffy that TERRORISTS could soon be buying their products. Asses.
Now to the apology. As a news producer, since I started working in the business 8 years (and change) ago, I have strived to put quality stories in my newscasts. Yeah, crime stories made it in (because I thought they were interesting) and the occasional water-skiing squirrel made it in too (but who DOESN'T love animals on waterskis?)...but for the most part, I tried to make sure my viewers had a reason to stick around. Alas, my soul has now been crushed. I've been informed that "story count" matters more than "story quality." So, my viewers, if you can stomach the "school forum" and "bond vote informational meeting" and "conference on the aged...and senile" stories, I promise to put in at least one good story in my hour-long newscast. But for the most part, my blog will continue to be the only thing really worth tuning in for.
-B-
Now to the apology. As a news producer, since I started working in the business 8 years (and change) ago, I have strived to put quality stories in my newscasts. Yeah, crime stories made it in (because I thought they were interesting) and the occasional water-skiing squirrel made it in too (but who DOESN'T love animals on waterskis?)...but for the most part, I tried to make sure my viewers had a reason to stick around. Alas, my soul has now been crushed. I've been informed that "story count" matters more than "story quality." So, my viewers, if you can stomach the "school forum" and "bond vote informational meeting" and "conference on the aged...and senile" stories, I promise to put in at least one good story in my hour-long newscast. But for the most part, my blog will continue to be the only thing really worth tuning in for.
-B-
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