Welcome to September and the official start of the fall TV season. Gotta make this one short because I still have about 80 shows on my DVR to watch...from Thursday and Friday nights ALONE! You know you're trying to record too much shit when your DVR starts smoking. So, it's a sad day here at Thinking Hard. It's the last week for Intern Kelsay, who has taken an offer to actually EARN money and work DECENT, NON-OVERNIGHT hours in a different city. (I wonder if I paid people and didn't lie to them, morale would improve around here...oh, well) So, I've been searching far and wide and spoken to our japanese branch of Thinking Hard (in OHIO...it's only funny if you know basic japanese), and I think I've come up with something as a going-away present. No, it's not that video game where you slam your hands on the table and flip it, causing a giant scene in a video game restaurant (oh, Japan, is there NOTHING you can't come up with...besides cures for major diseases?). It's the new "personal mobility device" from Honda. Yeah, if you saw the Segway and thought "Wow, I can just FEEL obesity rates climbing around the world," then you're gonna LOVE this thing:Wow, seeing Honda's president using it doesn't make it seem awkward to use AT ALL. Hey, you know what? I've just come up with my own "personal mobility device"...a LEG. Tell you what, I'll even let you have it for a two-for-one deal! Fuckin' Honda. Speaking of awkward and fuckin' (no, I'm NOT going where you think I'm going...which would be the mental image of a Mark Sanford, Argentinian woman, NY Governor David Paterson 3-way..."At least I'm not in NEW JERSEY!"), Kelsay, I hope your first day on the job doesn't end up like one of the new cast members of Saturday Night Live last night. See, with Amy Poehler out on her own and Kristen Wiig presumably about to be checked into a mental ward, SNL needed new women cast members, so they hired a couple of unknowns, rolling the dice and thinking they could be funny. On your first day on the job, you really, REALLY want to make a good impression. So one of the cast members tried her chops at hosting a sketch called "Biker Chick Chat," a fairly unfunny segment (unless, I presume, you're a biker chick) that put the word "friggin" EVERYWHERE in the script. And you know, if it's your first major sketch on live TV, and the word "friggin" is all over the script, you just KNOW it's a recipe for disaster:
So, Kelsay, best wishes and caviar dreams. Just don't "frig" it up. -B-
Sunday, September 27, 2009
Saturday, September 19, 2009
You Ain't Tall, Midget, You Just Clever
Ahoy, me buckos...and buckettes...or buckets...and welcome ye booties to a special "Talk Like A Pirate Day" edition of Thinking Harrrrrrd. We have a lot of ground to cover toda...wait, what?...oh...I'm being informed it's also my birthday. Huh. Understandable. I bet my mom was swearing like a pirate hooker the day I was born.
Well, Kanye West got the ball rolling early for "Talk Like A Pirate (Hooker) Day." In case you missed his "MTV Hates Black People" moment, Beyonce and Taylor Swift were both up for best female video at the Video Music Awards last Sunday. Taylor won. In the MIDDLE OF HER ACCEPTANCE SPEECH, some bone in Kanye's body thinks it would be a great idea to jump on stage, grab Taylor's mic, say "I'm sorry, Taylor, I'll let you finish, but BEYONCE HAD THE BEST VIDEO OF THE YEAR!" Beyonce was embarrassed, Taylor was embarrassed, and after winning video of the year later in the show, Beyonce invited Taylor out to have her moment. Big ups to Beyonce...but Kanye? What...the...fuck? Here's a tip if you are EVER invited back to the VMAs: it's only a good idea to hop on stage and grab someone's mic if you're about to announce that there's a fire in the damn building! And you, sir, are no fire in no damn building. Though, to be fair, in all of his apologies this week, Kanye would've been accepted if he said he was abducted by aliens and THEY made him do it. After all, who ELSE would've left those crop circles in his hair??? For the record, that's not a race joke...that's a "Oh, come ON, KANYE!" joke.
President Obama spoke briefly like a pirate hooker about this whole mess. CNBC was setting up for an interview:
Now, that would have been funny had the media NOT in the room gotten a hold of the information. Terry Moran of ABC News later TWEETED (hate it, hate it) that President Obama called Kanye a jackass. Sure, his crack news team hears THAT, but not the part right after when he says "off the record." ABC News was too busy shouting to other newsroom workers "OBAMA JUST CALLED KANYE A JACKASS! HOW CAN WE PUT THIS OUT QUICKLY? TWITTER? OKAY! THAT SEEMS LIKE A LEGITIMATELY GOOD IDEA!" Moran later apologized to the White House.
Oh, and let's not forget about Serena Williams talking like a pirate hooker at the US Open last weekend. A line judge called her on a foot-fault (a RULE IN TENNIS, mind you) that happened to cost her a point that cost her the match and a trip to the women's finals. Her response? She channeled the ONLY good tennis smack-talker, John McEnroe, and threw her racket, then yelled at the line judge and threatened to, and I quote, "shove this fucking ball down your throat." Later, she said she did not threaten to kill the line judge. No, of course not. Didn't you hear her? She was offering to feed her. Maybe she looked hungry. Tell you what, let me put Seth and Amy on this one:
Ah, Joe Wilson. We'll be laughing at you for weeks...then wagging our fingers at you in shame.
But honestly, could there be a more embarrassing live television moment this week? Only the best here at "Thinking Hard," where an anchor tried to riff off an old chicken commercial, and failed. Big time:
I'm not sure what made me laugh harder: the co-anchor's eyes bugging out of her head...or the weather guy saying "I'll do that."
While we're on the topic of bizarre video and angry people, check this out: there's a new arcade game in Japan. I love the japanese people...they have the kookiest stuff. For example, no one in the US would ever think to make a meal out of seaweed, rice and raw fish. But sushi still tastes great (or so I'm told). But there's a new video game that actually puts players in a restaurant, eating and trying to get the attention of other people at the table...by POUNDING ON IT. Then, your character finally gets so angry that, well, you have to do THIS:
(Also, never have I seen a guy so NOT angry in a game that requires you to act angry.)
Let's move away from all this anger talk. This week, we lost an important Hollywood icon. Patrick Swayze died, proving his method acting WAS awesome enough to be cast in "Ghost 2: The Revenge of Demi Moore." He'd been battling cancer for months and actually was putting up a good fight, but eventually the cancer won. Not only did we lose a great actor, consider this chilling factoid: Don Swayze is now the most talented Swayze:
Okay, I'm out to pick up a pirate hooker. I think I'll let her "walk me plank."
-B-
Well, Kanye West got the ball rolling early for "Talk Like A Pirate (Hooker) Day." In case you missed his "MTV Hates Black People" moment, Beyonce and Taylor Swift were both up for best female video at the Video Music Awards last Sunday. Taylor won. In the MIDDLE OF HER ACCEPTANCE SPEECH, some bone in Kanye's body thinks it would be a great idea to jump on stage, grab Taylor's mic, say "I'm sorry, Taylor, I'll let you finish, but BEYONCE HAD THE BEST VIDEO OF THE YEAR!" Beyonce was embarrassed, Taylor was embarrassed, and after winning video of the year later in the show, Beyonce invited Taylor out to have her moment. Big ups to Beyonce...but Kanye? What...the...fuck? Here's a tip if you are EVER invited back to the VMAs: it's only a good idea to hop on stage and grab someone's mic if you're about to announce that there's a fire in the damn building! And you, sir, are no fire in no damn building. Though, to be fair, in all of his apologies this week, Kanye would've been accepted if he said he was abducted by aliens and THEY made him do it. After all, who ELSE would've left those crop circles in his hair??? For the record, that's not a race joke...that's a "Oh, come ON, KANYE!" joke.
President Obama spoke briefly like a pirate hooker about this whole mess. CNBC was setting up for an interview:
Now, that would have been funny had the media NOT in the room gotten a hold of the information. Terry Moran of ABC News later TWEETED (hate it, hate it) that President Obama called Kanye a jackass. Sure, his crack news team hears THAT, but not the part right after when he says "off the record." ABC News was too busy shouting to other newsroom workers "OBAMA JUST CALLED KANYE A JACKASS! HOW CAN WE PUT THIS OUT QUICKLY? TWITTER? OKAY! THAT SEEMS LIKE A LEGITIMATELY GOOD IDEA!" Moran later apologized to the White House.
Oh, and let's not forget about Serena Williams talking like a pirate hooker at the US Open last weekend. A line judge called her on a foot-fault (a RULE IN TENNIS, mind you) that happened to cost her a point that cost her the match and a trip to the women's finals. Her response? She channeled the ONLY good tennis smack-talker, John McEnroe, and threw her racket, then yelled at the line judge and threatened to, and I quote, "shove this fucking ball down your throat." Later, she said she did not threaten to kill the line judge. No, of course not. Didn't you hear her? She was offering to feed her. Maybe she looked hungry. Tell you what, let me put Seth and Amy on this one:
Ah, Joe Wilson. We'll be laughing at you for weeks...then wagging our fingers at you in shame.
But honestly, could there be a more embarrassing live television moment this week? Only the best here at "Thinking Hard," where an anchor tried to riff off an old chicken commercial, and failed. Big time:
I'm not sure what made me laugh harder: the co-anchor's eyes bugging out of her head...or the weather guy saying "I'll do that."
While we're on the topic of bizarre video and angry people, check this out: there's a new arcade game in Japan. I love the japanese people...they have the kookiest stuff. For example, no one in the US would ever think to make a meal out of seaweed, rice and raw fish. But sushi still tastes great (or so I'm told). But there's a new video game that actually puts players in a restaurant, eating and trying to get the attention of other people at the table...by POUNDING ON IT. Then, your character finally gets so angry that, well, you have to do THIS:
(Also, never have I seen a guy so NOT angry in a game that requires you to act angry.)
Let's move away from all this anger talk. This week, we lost an important Hollywood icon. Patrick Swayze died, proving his method acting WAS awesome enough to be cast in "Ghost 2: The Revenge of Demi Moore." He'd been battling cancer for months and actually was putting up a good fight, but eventually the cancer won. Not only did we lose a great actor, consider this chilling factoid: Don Swayze is now the most talented Swayze:
Okay, I'm out to pick up a pirate hooker. I think I'll let her "walk me plank."
-B-
Sunday, September 13, 2009
YOU L....OSER!
Thank you for joining me for this special "Joint Message To All Thinking Hard Readers." First, I'd like to address some of the incorrect information being filtered about me through the media. The media says I'm helping illegal immigrants. That's not true.
"YOU LIE!"
Really, South Carolina Representative Joe Wilson? AGAIN?! On Tuesday night, Wilson did what no lawmaker in video-recorded history has ever done...been singled out as "That guy who heckled the president during a congressional speech." Yeah, President Obama was FINALLY putting out some information about that health care plan that everyone's bitching about...and "Joe Six-Pack" (more like "Joe Keg" if you've ever seen him) decides to shout "YOU LIE!" Dude, when you can force JOE BIDEN to look down and shake his head in shame, you KNOW you've fucked up. Now, to be fair, he did call the president shortly after the speech to apologize and President Obama graciously accepted it and we move on. Except there's a crap-ton of people who are pissed at him. John McCain, House Majority Whip ("Whip it good!") Jim Clyburn...shit, even people on his own African-American Affairs Committee bailed out two days after the speech! Maybe he struck a deal with Mark Sanford...because when you can replace a governor who flew to ARGENTINA to see his MISTRESS in media coverage, you KNOW you've fucked up.
Moving on, I got accepted to be a contestant on a reality show in Turkey. I'm so excited. Let's check out the advanced press releases on it...
"ANKARA, Turkey (AP) -- Turkish military police say they raided an Istanbul villa and rescued nine women who were tricked into thinking they were reality show contestants. They said Thursday that the women were held captive for two months. Turkish news reports say the nine women -- including a 15-year-old -- were made to believe they were being filmed for a Big Brother-style television show. Instead, captors sold their images on the Internet. They were rescued after some family members complained to police that they were being prevented from contacting the women."
...oh. Funny, I always thought the AUDIENCES were the hostages who were being mistreated. Seriously, have you WATCHED this season of Big Brother? Man, if Julie Chen wasn't banging the head of CBS, that show would be cancelled.
Have you guys seen the commercials for Ally bank? I LOVE this concept. The bank TORTURES CHILDREN for its ads! Check it...
And my personal favorite...
Hope you enjoyed today's "Thinking Hard."
...It's a piece of junk.
-B-
"YOU LIE!"
Really, South Carolina Representative Joe Wilson? AGAIN?! On Tuesday night, Wilson did what no lawmaker in video-recorded history has ever done...been singled out as "That guy who heckled the president during a congressional speech." Yeah, President Obama was FINALLY putting out some information about that health care plan that everyone's bitching about...and "Joe Six-Pack" (more like "Joe Keg" if you've ever seen him) decides to shout "YOU LIE!" Dude, when you can force JOE BIDEN to look down and shake his head in shame, you KNOW you've fucked up. Now, to be fair, he did call the president shortly after the speech to apologize and President Obama graciously accepted it and we move on. Except there's a crap-ton of people who are pissed at him. John McCain, House Majority Whip ("Whip it good!") Jim Clyburn...shit, even people on his own African-American Affairs Committee bailed out two days after the speech! Maybe he struck a deal with Mark Sanford...because when you can replace a governor who flew to ARGENTINA to see his MISTRESS in media coverage, you KNOW you've fucked up.
Moving on, I got accepted to be a contestant on a reality show in Turkey. I'm so excited. Let's check out the advanced press releases on it...
"ANKARA, Turkey (AP) -- Turkish military police say they raided an Istanbul villa and rescued nine women who were tricked into thinking they were reality show contestants. They said Thursday that the women were held captive for two months. Turkish news reports say the nine women -- including a 15-year-old -- were made to believe they were being filmed for a Big Brother-style television show. Instead, captors sold their images on the Internet. They were rescued after some family members complained to police that they were being prevented from contacting the women."
...oh. Funny, I always thought the AUDIENCES were the hostages who were being mistreated. Seriously, have you WATCHED this season of Big Brother? Man, if Julie Chen wasn't banging the head of CBS, that show would be cancelled.
Have you guys seen the commercials for Ally bank? I LOVE this concept. The bank TORTURES CHILDREN for its ads! Check it...
And my personal favorite...
Hope you enjoyed today's "Thinking Hard."
...It's a piece of junk.
-B-
Sunday, September 6, 2009
"Holiday" Weekend
Happy Labor Day weekend, everybody. Remember to take time out of your day off to remember those fallen soldiers who work in some industry (*ahem* TV *ahem*) that requires them to work on Labor Day. For those true soldiers, there IS no holiday.
So, in case you missed it, I was on vacation last week in Chicago. You'll recall I spoke of wonderful 60-and-70-degree highs. Well, it turns out I brought that cooler weather back with me. I landed in Charlotte and felt cool, almost FALL-like temperatures! It feels almost like football season! Oh, wait...
Speaking of, college football "kicked off" this weekend. Some teams actually got "the ball rolling" Thursday night...including Oregon and Boise State. Now, you will RARELY find a sports story in this blog anywhere because, frankly, I doubt any of you reading really give a crap about how many RBIs Jerry Hairston, Junior had the night before. But THIS is gold. Somebody PLEASE tell this guy that it's called FOOTBALL, not FISTBALL:
That guy really has an axe to grind. Oh, that reminds me...I will never see anything as surreal as I saw on vacation...as I watched my 55- and 56-year-old parents PLAYING GUITAR HERO...SUCCESSFULLY! They played a little "Turn the Page" and "The Boys Are Back In Town" with actual notes coming on the screen. It was so WEIRD. Kind of a special family moment...if I didn't believe I had walked right into the Twilight Zone.
Anyway, I digress. A big story this week out of the entertainment industry: Disney bought Marvel Comics. I'm going to repeat that for those of you shaking your heads in disbelief: Disney. Bought. Marvel. Comics. For some of us, it's reminiscent of the AOL/Time Warner buyout...or when the WWE bought every single other pro-wrestling outfit, thereby killing the competition. Fortunately, the Disney/Marvel deal doesn't make it a monopoly. It actually opens the door for some awesome marketing ideas. Who DOESN'T want to see Donald Duck team up with The Punisher? The Incredible Goof? The Amazing Spider-Pluto?...huh. Well, I guess we can always hope Wolverine will skewer Mickey Mouse.
-B-
So, in case you missed it, I was on vacation last week in Chicago. You'll recall I spoke of wonderful 60-and-70-degree highs. Well, it turns out I brought that cooler weather back with me. I landed in Charlotte and felt cool, almost FALL-like temperatures! It feels almost like football season! Oh, wait...
Speaking of, college football "kicked off" this weekend. Some teams actually got "the ball rolling" Thursday night...including Oregon and Boise State. Now, you will RARELY find a sports story in this blog anywhere because, frankly, I doubt any of you reading really give a crap about how many RBIs Jerry Hairston, Junior had the night before. But THIS is gold. Somebody PLEASE tell this guy that it's called FOOTBALL, not FISTBALL:
That guy really has an axe to grind. Oh, that reminds me...I will never see anything as surreal as I saw on vacation...as I watched my 55- and 56-year-old parents PLAYING GUITAR HERO...SUCCESSFULLY! They played a little "Turn the Page" and "The Boys Are Back In Town" with actual notes coming on the screen. It was so WEIRD. Kind of a special family moment...if I didn't believe I had walked right into the Twilight Zone.
Anyway, I digress. A big story this week out of the entertainment industry: Disney bought Marvel Comics. I'm going to repeat that for those of you shaking your heads in disbelief: Disney. Bought. Marvel. Comics. For some of us, it's reminiscent of the AOL/Time Warner buyout...or when the WWE bought every single other pro-wrestling outfit, thereby killing the competition. Fortunately, the Disney/Marvel deal doesn't make it a monopoly. It actually opens the door for some awesome marketing ideas. Who DOESN'T want to see Donald Duck team up with The Punisher? The Incredible Goof? The Amazing Spider-Pluto?...huh. Well, I guess we can always hope Wolverine will skewer Mickey Mouse.
-B-
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)