You Ain't Tall, Midget, You Just Clever

Ahoy, me buckos...and buckettes...or buckets...and welcome ye booties to a special "Talk Like A Pirate Day" edition of Thinking Harrrrrrd. We have a lot of ground to cover toda...wait, what?...oh...I'm being informed it's also my birthday. Huh. Understandable. I bet my mom was swearing like a pirate hooker the day I was born.

Well, Kanye West got the ball rolling early for "Talk Like A Pirate (Hooker) Day." In case you missed his "MTV Hates Black People" moment, Beyonce and Taylor Swift were both up for best female video at the Video Music Awards last Sunday. Taylor won. In the MIDDLE OF HER ACCEPTANCE SPEECH, some bone in Kanye's body thinks it would be a great idea to jump on stage, grab Taylor's mic, say "I'm sorry, Taylor, I'll let you finish, but BEYONCE HAD THE BEST VIDEO OF THE YEAR!" Beyonce was embarrassed, Taylor was embarrassed, and after winning video of the year later in the show, Beyonce invited Taylor out to have her moment. Big ups to Beyonce...but Kanye? What...the...fuck? Here's a tip if you are EVER invited back to the VMAs: it's only a good idea to hop on stage and grab someone's mic if you're about to announce that there's a fire in the damn building! And you, sir, are no fire in no damn building. Though, to be fair, in all of his apologies this week, Kanye would've been accepted if he said he was abducted by aliens and THEY made him do it. After all, who ELSE would've left those crop circles in his hair??? For the record, that's not a race joke...that's a "Oh, come ON, KANYE!" joke.

President Obama spoke briefly like a pirate hooker about this whole mess. CNBC was setting up for an interview:

Now, that would have been funny had the media NOT in the room gotten a hold of the information. Terry Moran of ABC News later TWEETED (hate it, hate it) that President Obama called Kanye a jackass. Sure, his crack news team hears THAT, but not the part right after when he says "off the record." ABC News was too busy shouting to other newsroom workers "OBAMA JUST CALLED KANYE A JACKASS! HOW CAN WE PUT THIS OUT QUICKLY? TWITTER? OKAY! THAT SEEMS LIKE A LEGITIMATELY GOOD IDEA!" Moran later apologized to the White House.

Oh, and let's not forget about Serena Williams talking like a pirate hooker at the US Open last weekend. A line judge called her on a foot-fault (a RULE IN TENNIS, mind you) that happened to cost her a point that cost her the match and a trip to the women's finals. Her response? She channeled the ONLY good tennis smack-talker, John McEnroe, and threw her racket, then yelled at the line judge and threatened to, and I quote, "shove this fucking ball down your throat." Later, she said she did not threaten to kill the line judge. No, of course not. Didn't you hear her? She was offering to feed her. Maybe she looked hungry. Tell you what, let me put Seth and Amy on this one:


Ah, Joe Wilson. We'll be laughing at you for weeks...then wagging our fingers at you in shame.

But honestly, could there be a more embarrassing live television moment this week? Only the best here at "Thinking Hard," where an anchor tried to riff off an old chicken commercial, and failed. Big time:

I'm not sure what made me laugh harder: the co-anchor's eyes bugging out of her head...or the weather guy saying "I'll do that."

While we're on the topic of bizarre video and angry people, check this out: there's a new arcade game in Japan. I love the japanese people...they have the kookiest stuff. For example, no one in the US would ever think to make a meal out of seaweed, rice and raw fish. But sushi still tastes great (or so I'm told). But there's a new video game that actually puts players in a restaurant, eating and trying to get the attention of other people at the table...by POUNDING ON IT. Then, your character finally gets so angry that, well, you have to do THIS:

(Also, never have I seen a guy so NOT angry in a game that requires you to act angry.)

Let's move away from all this anger talk. This week, we lost an important Hollywood icon. Patrick Swayze died, proving his method acting WAS awesome enough to be cast in "Ghost 2: The Revenge of Demi Moore." He'd been battling cancer for months and actually was putting up a good fight, but eventually the cancer won. Not only did we lose a great actor, consider this chilling factoid: Don Swayze is now the most talented Swayze:




Okay, I'm out to pick up a pirate hooker. I think I'll let her "walk me plank."
-B-