Dancing With The Meh

BIG NEWS EVERYONE! The new cast of "Dancing with the Stars" will be announced Monday night during the critically-acclaimed (no, not really) "Bachelor Pad" on ABC! But it's already apparent that some of the cast of DWTS have mistaken the show for something else. Kim Kardashian and Kirstie Alley apparently thought they were signing up for "Dance Your Ass Off." David Hasselhoff and "The Situation" obviously thought they were committed to the show "Dancing in some Bars." And Bristol Palin, the pride of Wasilla, Alaska, was told there'd be free babysitting. Ah, remember the time when she said Levi Johnston was a media whore...then she went and did a crapload of television and magazine interviews? Ah, the good old days...just a few weeks ago.

Hey, speaking of media whores, former Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich continues his book-signing...er, "I told you I was innocent" media tour. Seriously, that guy needs to just stop. Again, 11-to-1 AGAINST your innocence is NOT a victory. I have, however, been anxiously looking forward to one stop on his media tour:

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Someday, I, too, will be that oblivious.

While I'm talking about oblivious people, let me briefly hit up Heidi Montag. This week, she said she regrets getting her G-cup (are you fucking kidding me???) breast implants. She says they're crushing her and caused the breakup of her marriage to "I still can't figure out what he DOES" Spencer Pratt. Well, Heidi, when you get them taken out, you'll have a couple of brand new, gigantic (and disgusting) paperweights. Also, if you want to blame a couple of boobs for the end of your marriage, their names aren't "left" and "left" (she's not the brightest crayon in the box)...their names are "Heidi" and "Spencer." Heidi says no one wants to take care of someone who looks like they've been in a horrible accident. On a side note, I'd like to thank the person who finally gave Heidi a mirror.

Another dumb blonde moment...Paris Hilton got arrested for cocaine possession this weekend. No, Hilton's not the dumb blonde this time...ABC News is. I was watching Good Morning America Saturday morning and the top of the mini-newscast in the first five minutes of the show started with "Breaking News...Paris Hilton was arrested." What. The. Fuck. At what point exactly did ABC become TMZ? (aside from earlier this week when they did a "brave interview" with "I still can't figure out what she DOES" Fantasia...then gave her time to perform two songs and hock her new album...stupid) Seriously, that's like a local news anchor jumping off his scripts in the middle of ACTUAL news to announce that Paris Hilton or Lindsay Lohan had been arrested. But come on...you'd have to get up pretty early on a weekday morning in Charlotte, North Carolina, to see something like THAT. It's like a new party game, "TV News Blurt!"

Actually, I feel a little bad for Paris. She says she woke up this week to someone trying to break into her home with "2 big knifes." Yes, knifes. And there goes any sympathy I had for her. You want sympathy in the future? Use spell-check.

If you haven't seen THIS poor blonde woman on the inter-webs this week, you're out of the loop. So allow me to show you what happens when german sports reporters go out to the sidelines for a little soccer pre-game action:



Call it an occupational hazard. On the plus side, it's probably not the first time a big white ball has hit her in the back of the head...

Hey, Glenn Beck hosted his big "I'm as black as Martin Luther King" shindig this weekend...and that's all I'm going to say about it. But I WILL allow Jon Stewart some airtime to look at a rather contradictory stance Fox News is taking about the proposed islamic center in New York City:

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And a quick entertainment note...after the "success" of the movie "Piranha 3D," the studios are ALREADY talking about a sequel. Seriously??? The movies been out for a hot minute! Now I have to decide if Hollywood is incredibly evil...or incredibly stupid. I haven't had this much difficulty with that decision since I considered the case of Sarah Palin.

(PS: Flying home for the weekend, the blog might be late. Cheers!)
-B-

Bla-GUILT-jevich!

"It's okay, I'm with the band"

~~~

Sorry, readers, I'm a little late this morning. It took me an extra few minutes to get past security here at the Thinking Hard building. Management installed a...bouncer...at the door because we kept getting mobs of people outside the offices begging for the location of the northeast part of the sky. Won't. Ever. Die.

Hey, big news out of Illinois this week...jurors found former governor Rod Blagojevich GUILTY in his corruption trial! Finally, the long trial is over and the politicians of America now know corruption will NOT be tolerated...well, sort of:

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Ah, it's always nice to see the American judicial system become just as effective as the executive and legislative branches. Seriously, Rod? When ELEVEN jurors think you're guilty and ONE juror holds out for days (a little too much Henry Fonda in that one...you really should see "Twelve Angry Men." Great movie.) until there's a mistrial, that does NOT mean you "won." That means more people think you're guilty than the people who think President Obama is muslim. That means there are more people who think Sarah Palin is an intelligent woman that there are who think you're innocent. Now then, adjust your hair and get ready for round two...and maybe the attorneys can get it RIGHT this time.

Oh, while I have the muslim thing on the brain, let's follow up to last week's blog about the proposed mosque in New York City:

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The only thing that could be worse is if Fox News started making commentary on FICTIONAL characters who they think are wrong. Wait, Bill O'Reilly has that covered. This week, he decried Jennifer Aniston's new movie "The Switch" as being detrimental to society. See, the plot of the movie is Aniston is so anxious to have a baby before her biological clock stops ticking that she wants artificial insemination. Hilarity ensues. So, O'Reilly's says it's "destructive to our society" because Aniston's portraying a single mom who can do it all on her own. It's a fair argument...for a 12-year-old. Dude, really? You're ripping on a MOVIE PLOT? He's probably trying to sound as smart as that guy a few years back who ripped on a TV SHOW character who raised a baby by herself. That character was Murphy Brown and the guy who ripped on her was Vice President Dan Quayle. Yeah, he was BRILLIANT...fucker couldn't even spell.

While we're on the subject of entertainment, this week, it was announced that China will get its own version of the hit British-slash-American-slash-French-slash-Canadian-slash-German-slash-Chilean-slash-Israeli (no joke, it airs in all those countries) comedy "The Office." Chinese leaders have already announced that the characters will have no access to the internet unless it's for government-run websites. It will also be on 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, without health benefits and each episode will end with one employee committing suicide. What...too soon? Seriously, what will the characters do...speak politely to the boss but give him an angry glare as he walks away? Actually, that sounds better than a lot of the crap on CBS right now...I'll take Chinese "Office" over season 32 of "Big Brother."

So, Tila Tequila is upset. You know...Tila Tequila? The short asian chick who's famous for...well, nothing except for two reality shows where she went looking for love in the form of either a warm, tattooed, disease-ridden man or woman. Anyway, so she showed up to an Insane Clown Posse festival (those guys are still around???) in Illinois and got hit with rocks and feces! Said Tequila: "Hey, that gives me a great idea for a third season of my reality show!" Shouldn't she be used to being hit with feces by now?

And as long as we're on the subject of women who are famous for no discernible reason, Heidi Montag's plastic surgeon was killed in a car crash this week. It's being rumored that Dr. Frankenstein ("It's ALIVE!!!!") crashed in California shortly after TWEETING WHILE DRIVING. Idiot. On the plus side, the doctor had in his will that he wanted his body donated to Heidi. And in unrelated news, Heidi Montag says she has 30 more plastic surgery procedures set between now and the end of the year. So look forward to seeing her sporting a new liver and kidneys. (Really? All those surgical procedures, but she STILL has to go see the Wizard if she wants a brain???)

Y'know, when I think of people who DESPERATELY need a brain, I think of...no, not Sarah Palin (THIS morning)...I think of South Carolina candidate for the U.S. Senate, Alvin "Hey, do you like football?" Greene. This week, Greene was indicted on a felony charge of showing pornographic images to a college student in a university library. But, hey, politicians face trumped-up charges all the time and usually have some smooth way of deflecting the accusations...I'm sure Alvin Greene is no different:



Huh. Well, maybe he needs some spiritual guidance to get him through these tough times. I hear that from a lot of scandal-plagued politicians. Here, Mr. Greene, save some money and just watch some of those daily televangelists on local access TV. Like this guy, Arnold Murray from "Shepherd's Chapel." I see him ALL the time, so he MUST be credible:



See what I mean? You disagree with someone, you shoot them. "Um, Reverend Murray? There's a gentleman here to talk to you about running for governor of either Tennessee or Alaska." At least he'd have some job security for a while, unlike THIS BBC weatherman:



Hey, that's not so bad...I know of an anchor who show's he's an ass every time he's on camera. NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! GOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

-B-

Son of the Mosque

Before we get things going today, a quick note...there's a new Friend of the Show. The "Hyperbole and a Half" blog has joined the list. It's humorous, has some crudely drawn (and adorable) cartoons to illustrate points in the blog (like how I dream Thinking Hard should be) and is apparently written (hilariously) by a woman. Y'know, in case there are any women reading this blog...enjoy!

We're going to kick off this week's Thinking Hard with a VERY controversial topic: muslims would like to set up a new mosque (their place of worship) two blocks away from the 9/11 attacks, also known as Ground Zero. The muslims have said they want a mosque there to show their solidarity with americans after the attacks. But people in New York DON'T want it there (shocker). I'm sure the only thing they want from muslims is a hot dog. Anyway, Friday night, President Obama spoke out in favor of the mosque. He said he understood there's still a lot of pain related to Ground Zero (nine years after the fact), but that everyone in the United States should be granted a certain...let's see, how does it go..."Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof." Oh, wait, I'm sorry...that's just the first amendment of the Constitution. I believe President Obama simply said everyone should be free to practice their own religion. Let's take a closer look at the issue:

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Stewart went on to point out there's another mosque just FOUR blocks from Ground Zero and people seem to have ignored that in their angry fervor. Look, I'll hopefully never understand the loss that comes with such a violent attack as what happened on 9/11, but holding all muslims accountable for the actions of a few is tough to stomach. Although, to be fair, I do it every day: I think all catholics are busy molesting young altar boys. Anyway, back to my constitutional argument...isn't it funny how and when people quote the constitution?:

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You know what will solve the problem with government? Putting Levi Johnston in charge. Yes, Bristol Palin's baby-daddy is running for office and you can watch it all unfold on that little box you have in your living room that shows you all the moving pictures and colors. Reality-show cameras are following him around as he considers a run for either mayor or city council in Wasilla, Alaska (hey, they elected Sarah Palin, so apparently ANYBODY can win in Wasilla). What's funnier is the comment from his manager, "Tank" Jones: "People questioned Jesus Christ, so I definitely don't care about these mere mortals questioning Levi Johnston." Really? We're going the Jesus Christ=Levi Johnston route? Riiiight. Say, Levi, if the mayor or city council thing doesn't work out, might I suggest another office: Secretary of (Bristol's) Interior.

Speaking of the Palins (Holly, this blog's for you), a New Hampshire democrat is in some hot water over comments he posted on Facebook. He said a dead Sarah Palin "is more dangerous than a live one." Representative Timothy Horrigan says that's because Palin wouldn't be able to commit any more gaffes. I have to agree. This blog would be a lot more boring without Sarah Palin jokes. Here I was worried about who would take over when Bush left office... (I'm surprised Palin even READS Facebook: "I thought it was a magazine, so I ignored it.")

I feel like I'm ranting a lot today. I just had a long week at work. One day this week, I just decided to say "fuck it all" and here's how I did it:



Okay, so that wasn't me...that was an asian TV stations computer reenactment of Steven Slater's blow-up at the "office" this week on a JetBlue flight. He says he was hit by a piece of luggage on landing in New York. Then police say he berated that passenger on the plane's PA system (listen again in the clip for the bleeps), grabbed a cold one (read: beer) from the plane's beverage cart, launched an emergency slide from the plane and slid out to hop in his car and drive home (apparently to his bare-chested lover, according to the animation). Police arrested him at the home. I, on the other hand, had to deal with THIS conversation with a "customer" of my "company" late one night this week:

"Customer": Can you tell me where in the sky I should look to see the meteor shower?

Me: I'm being told that the best viewing is in the northeast sky.

"Customer": Where is that?

Me: (pause) The...NORTHEAST...PART...of the sky. In the northeast?

Oh my God, PLEASE punch me in the face until I die from it. Or at least give me something like THIS to do:

 

Mmm...tasty.

-B-

I Have A Sunburn

Two layers of suntan lotion and I STILL went red...ah, the joys of fair skin.

So, stop me if you heard this one: Sarah Palin's daughter, Bristol, the star of Disney Channel's remake of "Knocked Up," (joking) is separating from her baby-daddy, Levi Johnston. Yes, that SOUNDS like old news. The truth is they got back together a few weeks ago...and this week Bristol left him AGAIN. Turns out an ex-girlfriend of Levi's is pregnant and Bristol thinks it's his. Yes, I'm sure you're all shocked that Levi Johnston impregnated a girlfriend. Seriously, dude? Never heard of a condom? If you like, I'll give you a vasectomy for FREE! Am I qualified to give you a vasectomy? Define "qualified"...and "vasectomy."

Not a lot of awesome news this week, though the U.S. Senate DID confirm Elena Kagan as the next justice of the Supreme Court. There was also a major judge's ruling in California:

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Californigaytion
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I LOVE when Sarah Palin opens her mouth. It's usually about her not reading something...magazines, etc.

It's a dark day for the state of Tennessee. Basil Marceaux (dot-com) lost his bid to become the state's Republican governor. It was close, though. Out of 700,000+ voters, he got about 3,500 votes. That close. So, in honor of the man whose name I didn't know until two weeks ago...



I don't really know what went wrong. He even got a bump on Jimmy Kimmel:



Ah, yes, you can plant a lot of grass in California that you can sell for fuel...after all, it's LEGAL out there.

You know what makes me angry? Congress. I swear they don't have a clue what they're doing in DC. Case in point:

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That makes about as much sense as all of the TV coverage given to the wedding of a man and his horse last weekend...wait, I'm being told that horse has a name: Chelsea Clinton. Yes, under the "Who Gives A Shit?" news section (it's on the last page of your local paper), some poor blind bastard took Chelsea off her grateful parents' hands. And, again, was all that TV coverage NECESSARY??? I mean REALLY???...

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Wedding of the Decade of the Century of the Millennium
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Ah, Fox News...showing yourself worthy of that front row seat in the White House briefing room. That's a change I CAN'T believe in...THIS, however, is:



-B-

Friends Don't Let Friends Drink And Watch "Inception"

Now, that's not to say that drinking on its own can't be an enjoyable activity, nor am I trying to present the message that "Inception" isn't a great movie (it is...it SO is...it makes my brain hurt), but doing "A" AND "B" is NOT a good idea. There's a lot going on in that movie. And while 99.9% of everything is tied up by the end of the movie, it's a big ol' thing for your brain to try to absorb. Like seeing a 5-year-old kid order a 20 oz. steak. Anyway, my point: I love Christopher Nolan, who directed the movie. Love him.

Moving ahead, some pretty big entertainment news this week...Ellen DeGeneres is leaving "American Idol." I know what you're thinking: "But, Blaine, didn't they already announce that?" No, you're thinking of the announcement that SIMON COWELL will not be returning. I can understand the confusion. Cowell is basically DeGeneres with dark hair and a pretentious accent. And without the spontaneous dancing. Anyway, guess whose career is so down the shitter that she's in talks to replace Ellen...JENNIFER LOPEZ! That's right, she could soon be adding "Paula Abdul/Ellen DeGeneres replacement" to her resume of "Singer" and "Dancer." Wait, what's that? You say she's also an "actress?" I SAW "Monster-in-Law"...she is NOT an actress.

Speaking of rather unusual acting moves, it was reported this week that Rihanna will have a role in an upcoming movie. While that alone sounds unusual, here's the movie she'll be in: "Battleship." Yes, THAT Battleship. As in "B-2...YOU SANK MY -." Seriously? I mean, "Clue" turned out okay, but that was back in the 80s. "Battleship" will not be good. And I'm sure it will open the door for other such classic movies as "Operation," "Sorry" and "Connect 4" (can't WAIT for that one). Rihanna hasn't been part of such a violent waste of time since (insert Chris Brown joke here).

More entertainment news..."Inception" star Leonardo DiCaprio is planning to star in a movie about Viking warriors (oooookay). OH WAIT! THIS JUST IN! Leo is dropping OUT of said Viking movie. Why? Because it's being directed by Mel Gibson. Why does that matter? Have you been living in a cave lately? Mel's mouth has become a "Lethal Weapon" in several recorded phone calls and voice mails released by his live-in girlfriend. There are also reports of domestic violence. Well, Mel, maybe you'll have to cave and hire a jew to star in your movie. Douche.

Hey, President Obama was on "The View" this week. I couldn't care less, but Sarah Palin's wolfskin panties are in a bunch over it. She says the pres should be focusing more on the controversial Arizona anti-illegal-immigration law and less on speaking to Whoopi Goldberg on national TV (I'm not surprised...he gets a guest shot talking to Barbara Walters, she's stuck with Kate Gosselin). Turns out she's not the only one upset about Obama's appearance:

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Leader's Digest
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Can you imagine how boring Fox News would be if they all stopped bitching (read: if McCain and Palin *shudder* got elected)? Hell, THIS guy has it more together than some of those a-holes (video has subtitles for obvious reasons):



"Um, Monsieur Marceaux-dot-com, there's a call on Line One...that's the button with the big '1' on it, sir...it's a Mrs. Palin, calling to ask if you'd like to be her running mate in 2012. Apparently, a Mr. Alvin Greene is unavailable." Seriously, I hope he gets elected. So we can sell grass for fuel. But at least he's not corrupt (I doubt he even knows what "corrupt" means):

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Corruptdate
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Hey, if any of you are into Apple computers (anyone? anyone? Bueller?), I hope you didn't buy one recently. Apple just announced a 27-inch touchscreen iMac (iPad? iPod?) for about $1,000. I've heard of people paying more to touch less. Anyway, I hope this video game somehow makes it onto the new iMac:



Wow, sounds risque! Simulation and digital puppetry DO sound complicated. Virgins, you already start with 2,000 bonus points!

But the award this week for most hilarious local news story goes to this one. James Hartsell sent this in. You WILL want to boost your volume for it:



Shit, I gotta go...I left my t-shirt somewhere. Oh, well, I guess they'll just bring it back to me.

-B-