Things I Can't Unsee

I'd like to punch thank Geraldo Rivera for his brilliant impression of NYC mayoral candidate Anthony Weiner. In a side note, AW has done a great job of sliding his way into that race, pounding the pavement for votes and causing a premature eruption of excitement. But a quick tip, AW, if I may...stop using your phone's camera. The scandals are making you look like a dick.

Now a quick piece of breaking news from our "Woman on the Street"...



To recap today's top story, she got news for you. I love a good "person attacks reporter" video...as long as I am neither "reporter" nor "person."

There's also some other news...I guess some baby was born this week. I don't care.

And now, breaking news about a big back-up on the roads...



Man, they better get that cleared up soon. I'm hearing that could cause some real, long-term damage if it's just allowed to build up like that. Wait, I think I see an exit to the north...but it's going to be just a very small hole in the trouble, and there are going to be millions of people trying to get through that tiny hole. And when they finally get through, THAT is going to be a serious mess.

I don't know if you've been watching the blog over the past few weeks, but earlier this month, we showed you a clip from a San Francisco TV station newscast identifying four pilots aboard a wrecked Asiana Airlines flight. I would pull the clip up again, but the TV station in question has ordered ALL the clips removed from the interwebs, so the only clip on this blog that still has it is last week's Colbert Report clip. Which is fine. Anywho, the station has also gone ahead and fired three producers associated with the error. One is a "special projects" producer (bonus points if you can tell me what a person in THAT position does). One of the other producers spoke out about his firing. I'm going to print his statement the way he wrote it...VERBATIM...and as you read this, keep in mind this producer also teaches JOURNALISM at San Francisco State University. Again, this man is a teacher. Of reporters:

"My hard-earned reputation is intack. There are lawyers, so eager as I am to anser all questions, I must refrain."

Clearly this is a smear campaign against this particular producer. If he can't even spell INTACT or ANSWER correctly, there's NO WAY he could have spelled Sum Ting Wong...unless he actually thought the pilots were AMERICAN. Then I understand.

Finally, it was a lovely day out swimm...HEY, FUCKER, NOT SO CLOSE!



Turns out it got so close because it was a SPERM whale. Named Anthony Weiner.

-Carlos Danger-

Famous Last Words

Let's start with a little movie news...it was just announced at San Diego Comic-Con yesterday that a new Superman movie will be shooting next year...set to open in 2015...that ALSO STARS BATMAN!!!! Oh, hang on a sec, I need to clean up my nerdgasm...okay, all good now. Seriously, DC, what a novel idea, to put separate characters from separate comic books into the same movie! What a unique and brilliant idea! I mean, you're only two sequels behind one of the first MARVEL movies to do that (see the end of "Iron Man" when they bring in Nick Fury). But hey, I'm not gonna bitch that loud because the Superman/Batman comic series is really enjoyable and I'll pay money to see this movie. One movie I won't pay to see, even on cable..."Sharknado." In fact, the twitterverse got so excited about this, they just announced a "Sharknado 2" this week. I hope they sell this series of movies as "The last thing 'Glee' actor Cory Monteith ever sent a tweet about...SHARKNADO!" Yeah, no joke...Monteith was found dead of a heroin/alcohol overdose in a hotel in Canada last weekend, and I shit you not, his last two tweets were about that God-awful movie, which his last words being "Oh. IT'S SHARKS IN A TORNADO!" I'd be tweeting "C'mon, Tara Reid, I want to see some botched boobs! #plastICKsurgery" Honestly though, it reminds me why I'm glad I don't tweet. Can you imagine people finding some random, embarrassing thing I tweeted before I died that would be considered my last words? It'd probably be something like "11 donuts gone from the dozen. That last one is crying out to me."

Hey, you saw it here last week...San Francisco station KTVU aired fake (yet funny) names of the pilots in the Asiana Airlines crash earlier this month. Asiana threated to sue KTVU...but backed off 3 days later because the station aired a correction 15 minutes after it ran the names. Wait, Asiana made them sit and stew for three days? Seems a little harsh. But not as harsh as how Stephen Colbert responded to it. And you know how often I put Colbert on here...this MUST be good:

The Colbert Report
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Over on The Daily Show, John Oliver is making history...but not in the way he wants. Also, this is a good interview with "Newsroom" scribe Aaron Sorkin:

The Daily Show with Jon Stewart
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Speaking of shaking up newscasts, hey, Texas, breaking news...a house just exploded nearby:

KiiiTV3.com South Texas, Corpus Christi, Coastal Bend

I'm looking for a date, but she has to have one very specific physical trait...



I'm gonna quote someone's comment on YouTube...it was funny, but it wasn't THAT funny. Even SHE didn't think it was that funny.

Hey, let's wrap this all up with the Little Psychic Who Couldn't.



Free Trayvon Martin.

-B-

George Zimmerman Found Not Guilty

I have no jokes or analysis to go with that headline. I just wanted to make it seem like you could get actual news content on this blog. Oh, and we have some MORE breaking news...



Also, the inflight meal was soup, Cream of Sum Yung Guy...and inflight entertainment is an old woman at the back named No Teef Blow. Sorry, ladies, you're out of luck. Seriously, how did NO ONE at that station catch that??? In fact, it later came out that the station had the names first, then asked an NTSB INTERN to confirm them. Really guys? NO ONE has a sense of humor at that station? Perhaps your producer is ALSO named Sum Ting Wong. Let's get the apology out first...



The sad part is, it's not all that uncommon for shit like that to happen. Need I remind you of what happened here several weeks ago?



I swear no one's actually in charge at these stations. Now to sports, for the worst game of HORSE ever. "Hey, kid, do it for America..."



And by "it," I mean "learn how to catch a pass, son!" I hear that kid is going to play guard for the Charlotte Bobcats. Speaking of mistakes in the wilderness, it's Survival Time with Intrepid Reporter Julie Tremmel. Tonight, Julie has some important information about how to pass gas without disturbing a nearby bear:



If you need me, I'll be off in the corner, punching myself in the face until I go unconscious.

-B-

Statues Do Weird Things

No joke. Statues do some pretty bizarre shit. Especially ones that are uncovered in mummy's tombs. Now I'm not talking about some crazy curse where a guy gets a statue, then his head is replaced with the head of a donkey. Nothing like that. But check out this video caused on surveillance camera by a security guard who thought someone was messing with him. YOU try and explain this:


That story would have been better without Ben Stiller in it.

There wasn't much else going on this week, what with people getting blown up by idiots with fireworks. But we DID get a pretty hilarious moment during the George Zimmerman trial. I know, that sounds unkind. But this moment came when lawyers tried to question someone via Skype. While showing his Skype address. On national TV. You can imagine what happens next:



The only thing I enjoyed more was an associate medical examiner explaining to the defense why opinions matter and why they can change. This guy made my day.



I love that guy. I want him to testify at every trial. Even stuff he's not involved in. "Sir, I understand you have an opinion, and that opinion can change, but all I asked was for your name." -B-