Love Letters

I keep hearing that 2012 is the year the world ends. That said, let's check in with the frontrunner thus far in the republican ticket for the presidential election:



Please, oh PLEASE give me a Trump/Palin 2012 ticket! Dear republicans, if you want to convince the world that you REALLY don't give a shit about who's in the White House, as long as it's not a black guy, THIS is your best shot. Might I also make a suggestion: Secretary of Defense....CHARLIE SHEEN!-Love, Blaine.

Seriously, though, has Trump lost it? I know he's getting old (yet, his hair doesn't seem to age at all...), and senility is to be expected, but can ONE member of his family or "posse" PLEASE step up and tell him he's off his rocker??? I realize you'll probably lose your inheritance...if that's the case, I'll pay you to be my butler. And I'll pay you in love. Meanwhile, President Obama seems to be frustrated...if you believe the last part of THIS reporter's story:



Dear humble reporter, when the President asks that you please let him finish, how about you not act like a dick at the end of your story and badmouth the guy? It was a polite request that didn't interrupt your interview...and it even suggested that you'd be invited back again. That's like going to a house party and getting drunk off your ass. You have a great time, the host is tolerable...but you keep breaking his good china. So on your way out, he thanks you for coming and asks you next time to maybe not drink so much. Don't be a dick about it and tell your friends later that the host wouldn't stop in lecturing you about your drinking problem. Accept it and try to improve your behavior next time. Also, I'm disinviting you from the Thinking Hard 200th Blog Party. -Love, Blaine.

While I'm on the subject of drinking in clearly inappropriate places, let's take a trip to Springfield, Massachusetts. A TV anchor was invited to speak to a room full of adults and students about stopping bullying. It was a fundraiser honoring an 11-year-old boy who hanged himself after being bullied at school. A noble opportunity for a member of the media to become more highly-regarded and chance to teach the youth of the world something important...until people HEARD him speak. He spent some of the speech slurring his words (tip: "bully" only has two Ls, not twenty) and later admitted he'd been drinking beforehand. His station later told him there were two options: quit or be fired. He resigned. "Rememmmber kisss...don't buddy udder kisssss."

Hey, anybody see those deadly storms that ripped through the east coast last weekend? Yeah, those were intense. I don't think there was a single local TV station that DIDN'T break into local programming to warn viewers to get in their basements. HOWEVER...every time that happens, there are always a few assholes who will call or email the stations because they're upset that the life-saving information interrupted their treasured programming. This blog by WJLA in Washington, D.C., expresses that outrage better than I can...and uses some actual comments from actually stupid viewers. See, they were upset that a rerun of "Jeopardy!" was knocked off the air for tornado warning coverage. It never fails...I've taken those calls when the meteorologists take the air to try to save people's lives. And I'm not even directly impacted by the D.C. viewer complaints, but it still pisses me off that there are so many people out there who care more about television programs than other peoples' lives. Dear angry viewers-- fuck off. Go ahead and turn to another channel. Oh, wait, that's right, you can't...because EVERY OTHER LOCAL STATION IS DOING THE SAME THING! SO YOU SIT THERE AND DEAL WITH IT AND PICK UP A DAMN BOOK IF YOU'RE UNHAPPY! Also, you SUCK at "Jeopardy!" -Love, Blaine

And let's wrap this all up with a message of love from James H. to a reporter covering a Charlie Sheen appearance...



Dear reporter, you've got a little somthing...um...right about...no, that's not it...it's right...uh...y'know, never mind.-Love, James.

-B-

Counting Up To 200 Posts...

Only a few more weeks and we at Thinking Hard will hit our 200th post...which I think is good for a free burrito at Qdoba or something like that.

Big news out of Charlie Sheen this week...he said in a radio interview this week he thinks there's an 85% chance he'll be re-hired to star in "Two and a Half Men." As long as he's forecasting, he can also mention a 100% chance of complete delusion. Look, I'm all about talented people in Hollywood getting a second chance after they've had a bad day or something like that. But, first, Sheen's "bad day" was a meltdown that rivals the one the people in Japan are worried about. Second, I said TALENTED. Sheen's a big name and was a popular actor in the 80s and 90s, but let's face it...without "Two and a Half Men," he would be reliving that opening (and closing) scene of the classic film "Sunset Boulevard," where the guy is laying face down in the water, presumably drowned, in the pool of a posh mansion. I'm an old-school kind of guy, who believes if someone you work with is an asshole who's easily replaceable, he should be replaced...whether it be on a sitcom or on a morning TV news show. There's no excuse for treating your co-workers like shit, regardless of how big you think you are.

Speaking of how big they think they are, let's talk the federal budget. So, the government didn't shut down and we have a new budget...that'll run us until September, when we can start all this bullshit all over again. Seriously, I'd move to Canada if it wasn't for the shitty weather. And I'd move to London if I didn't have to deal with that obnoxious wedding in a couple of weeks. And I'd move to Japan, but...well, I don't necessarily need an extra arm coming out of my forehead. So, thanks big government, for helping us realize we're SOOOO much better off in a democracy than a monarchy! Keep up that "hard work!"...asses.

Hey, you know what I found this week? A feed full of clever ways Borders Bookstores employees found to say "fuck you" to the customers who bailed on them for online retailers (*cough* Amazon! *cough*). Let's sit back and enjoy a look at people who, much like some people in TV, have lost all will to live:

I LOVE YOU, BORDERS!
-B-

The Hottest Mess Of Them All

Hey, gang, welcome back to Thinking Hard. First, how about a big round of applause for guest blogger Holly Iverson! Fantastic blog...and a good lesson to "wrap ya tings." Thanks for covering for me while I was on vacation, Holly! (more on the vacation in a moment...)

Okay, before we get to the tournament, a couple of quick mentions...of people who STILL don't understand there's a deadline in making the brackets for the Hottest Mess Tournament. Two weeks ago, Chris Brown tried to punch and bite his way in...didn't happen. Now, this meteorologist trying to tie the forecast in with the reports of the missing cobra in NYC:



Wow, there HAVE been a lot of people having strokes on-air lately, haven't there?

Another late effort to enter the tournament, this one from a Mr. G. Beck. His entry says he's a paranoid crackpot who draws the attention of a large (and largely under-educated) group of americans. Unfortunately for Mr. Beck, his ratings have fallen as his insanity has grown. So much so that Fox "News" decided NOT to renew his contract. YES, ladies and gentlemen, THE DAYS OF "BECK"ONING ARE OVER! I think former MSNBC anchor Keith Olbermann put it best on his blog:

Whatever show(s) he does, whatever Beckian Stamp Of Batcrap Crazy Nonsense he produces, whatever he sells for $19.95 a pop, whatever hour is the 60 minutes of Revelation – whatever The Plan is – he’s got a big problem now.

It’ll be on against Fox News.


Hey, Glenn, I want you to know you always have a job opportunity here at Thinking Hard...getting my coffee.

Also trying to enter the tournament...former entrant Paris Hilton. She says at the ripe old age of 30, she's accomplished all of the goals she's had in life. We here at Thinking Hard have obtained that list of Paris Hilton's goals:

1. Be a whore
2. Do a homemade porno
3. Be useless


Well then, on behalf of everyone here at Thinking Hard, Ms. Hilton, congratulations. I look forward to reading your obituary shortly.

All right, enough fun and games...let's wrap of this year's Hottest Mess Tournament.

Women's Final: Snooki vs. Lindsay Lohan

I'll be honest...I totally expected Snooki to come out on top here (though, from what I hear, she prefers the bottom because she doesn't have to exert herself). In fact, I expected her to BOMB (or is it GRENADE?) horribly at Wrestlemania last weekend. I expected to see her fall on her face, right before my eyes. In fact, when she first got into the ring, 75,000 people BOOED her! I was so excited to be there, booing with all of the fans. Then we saw THIS:



HOLY SHIT! Snooki can move!! Now, to be fair, she essentially just used her sheer body mass to take out her opponent...but she was a LOT more aerodynamic than I expected. Even LiLo can't do that.

Winner: Lindsay Lohan

Men's Final: Charlie Sheen vs. Moammar Gadhafi

Well, there goes my script for their buddy-cop movie. Let's face it...Gadhafi is a one-man shit show. He's clearly out of his gourd and thinks his people like them. I don't know which CNN channel HE'S watching...but "his people" wouldn't take a shit on him if he was on fire. But that PALES in comparison with his ludicrous (not Ludacris) american counterpart. Charlie Sheen has now been on tour for a week, doing...something...on stage. Every review I've seen makes it look like Sheen just shows up at the theater, walks on stage, drops a few catchphrases and sounds like a fantasy novel...for AN HOUR! I've seen reports of people booing him (folks, if you're just going to drop 50 bucks to boo some guy for an hour, I'm going to start charging per pageview of Thinking Hard), others walking out...even a show last night that had someone shout "Start the show!" 20 minutes into the "performance." It was clear Sheen WANTED to do what Conan O'Brien did SUCCESSFULLY last year between his two television contracts. But let's face it: Charlie Sheen has lost his damn mind. And Gadhafi's crazy...but even HE won't go on a stupid live tour.

Winner: Charlie Sheen

So, for the first time ever in Hottest Mess Tournament history...

Intergender Finals: Lindsay Lohan vs. Charlie Sheen

For this monumental (heavy on the "mental") occasion, we've brought in a very special guest commentator...legendary actress Betty White! Betty, thanks for being here. Give us YOUR thoughts on the competitors in this year's tournament (I swear, this is an actual quote):

"I think they are terribly ungrateful. I cannot stand the people who get wonderful starts in show business, and who abuse it. Lindsay Lohan and Charlie Sheen, for example, although there are plenty of others, too. They are the most blessed people in the world and they don't appreciate it."

Wow! We actually have a rebuttal (heavy on the "butt") from Ms. Lohan:

"I've always been a fan of hers. It's just a bit strange when people feel they must speak publicly about others. Especially a grown woman."

Um, Lindsay, it's not like you're 16 anymore (even though you still party like it)...I think that ALSO makes you a "grown woman." And there are FAR WORSE things you're doing that would be considered "strange" for a grown woman to do than be a celebrity who's generally well-behaved and decry the attitudes of the more spoiled celebrities.

But let's not discount the Charlie Sheen-type of crazy. In fact, in this tournament final, Sheen invited Lohan up to his room to enjoy some time with him and his goddesses. So it all comes down to this moment. Sheen walks out of the bedroom having contracted about 20 more STDs than when he started...and Lohan's claim to fame is now that she slept with Charlie Sheen.

Hottest Mess of 2011: Lindsay Lohan (Thinks he's winning: Charlie Sheen)

I believe that's back-to-back victories for LiLo (which is just how she likes it...on her back).

-B-

Guest Blogger: Holly Iverson!!!

Hey, Hard Thinkers. Normally you'd see more of the Hottest Mess Tournament, but we're de-toxing this week in favor of a guest blog by intern Holly Iverson. We're thrilled to have her...and please give her your undivided attention:

Well hello there. Thinking Hard asked me to write about my trip to the wonderful and very colorful Bahamas (I'm not just talking about the buildings). I agreed, but I should've agreed on only one condition: that you listen to what I consider my cruise theme song, while reading the post. After all, I was on a boat and, it was goin' fast and... well, you get the point.



Here's a little background information about my trip: I booked a 5 night cruise to the Bahamas on the Carnival Fantasy (see exhibit A) with my friend from college, Christine. Yes, Christine's a female. Yes, so am I. No, we're not lesbian lovers. Apparently, if you're going to go on a cruise with a friend of the same sex, you're supposed to bring several of them along... not just one. We got funny looks the whole time, and it wasn't just because my sunglasses left a very unflattering sunburn line around my face. Lesson learned.

Exhibit A:



The boat holds somewhere around 2,400 people like me, and about 850 people who, unfortunately, have to work. Needless to say, it was a big boat with some great views...





The best view was from our stateroom though..



The views off the boat were okay too, I guess.







But the most remarkable thing about the trip was meeting the locals. Yes, they really do worship Bob Marley and yes, the really do say 'Mon at the end of most sentences. They also have great pick-up lines. Apparently, American girls are so attractive in their eyes, even the older women couldn't stop hitting on me and Christine (maybe they heard that we shared a room.. hmm...). Every straw market booth we walked by, someone would say, "Hey pretty girl, come and take a look at what I got. It's free to look! See anything you like?" Okay, fine. I knew they weren't hitting on us, they just wanted our money. But the compliments were a good self-esteem booster when I realized (on a daily basis) that it was only 11:30 am and me and Christine had already finished our second ice cream cone. Yea, that's what happens when there are 5 ice cream machines, strategically placed around the boat. I could hardly go to the bathroom without being bombarded with cookies and ice cream and... pizza...

Anyway, even if I had been interested in one of the locals, I was kindly reminded by the government to be careful before... rocking the boat...



Thanks ya'll... I reckon I've had a blast writin' for ya'll.