The Hottest Mess Of Them All

Hey, gang, welcome back to Thinking Hard. First, how about a big round of applause for guest blogger Holly Iverson! Fantastic blog...and a good lesson to "wrap ya tings." Thanks for covering for me while I was on vacation, Holly! (more on the vacation in a moment...)

Okay, before we get to the tournament, a couple of quick mentions...of people who STILL don't understand there's a deadline in making the brackets for the Hottest Mess Tournament. Two weeks ago, Chris Brown tried to punch and bite his way in...didn't happen. Now, this meteorologist trying to tie the forecast in with the reports of the missing cobra in NYC:



Wow, there HAVE been a lot of people having strokes on-air lately, haven't there?

Another late effort to enter the tournament, this one from a Mr. G. Beck. His entry says he's a paranoid crackpot who draws the attention of a large (and largely under-educated) group of americans. Unfortunately for Mr. Beck, his ratings have fallen as his insanity has grown. So much so that Fox "News" decided NOT to renew his contract. YES, ladies and gentlemen, THE DAYS OF "BECK"ONING ARE OVER! I think former MSNBC anchor Keith Olbermann put it best on his blog:

Whatever show(s) he does, whatever Beckian Stamp Of Batcrap Crazy Nonsense he produces, whatever he sells for $19.95 a pop, whatever hour is the 60 minutes of Revelation – whatever The Plan is – he’s got a big problem now.

It’ll be on against Fox News.


Hey, Glenn, I want you to know you always have a job opportunity here at Thinking Hard...getting my coffee.

Also trying to enter the tournament...former entrant Paris Hilton. She says at the ripe old age of 30, she's accomplished all of the goals she's had in life. We here at Thinking Hard have obtained that list of Paris Hilton's goals:

1. Be a whore
2. Do a homemade porno
3. Be useless


Well then, on behalf of everyone here at Thinking Hard, Ms. Hilton, congratulations. I look forward to reading your obituary shortly.

All right, enough fun and games...let's wrap of this year's Hottest Mess Tournament.

Women's Final: Snooki vs. Lindsay Lohan

I'll be honest...I totally expected Snooki to come out on top here (though, from what I hear, she prefers the bottom because she doesn't have to exert herself). In fact, I expected her to BOMB (or is it GRENADE?) horribly at Wrestlemania last weekend. I expected to see her fall on her face, right before my eyes. In fact, when she first got into the ring, 75,000 people BOOED her! I was so excited to be there, booing with all of the fans. Then we saw THIS:



HOLY SHIT! Snooki can move!! Now, to be fair, she essentially just used her sheer body mass to take out her opponent...but she was a LOT more aerodynamic than I expected. Even LiLo can't do that.

Winner: Lindsay Lohan

Men's Final: Charlie Sheen vs. Moammar Gadhafi

Well, there goes my script for their buddy-cop movie. Let's face it...Gadhafi is a one-man shit show. He's clearly out of his gourd and thinks his people like them. I don't know which CNN channel HE'S watching...but "his people" wouldn't take a shit on him if he was on fire. But that PALES in comparison with his ludicrous (not Ludacris) american counterpart. Charlie Sheen has now been on tour for a week, doing...something...on stage. Every review I've seen makes it look like Sheen just shows up at the theater, walks on stage, drops a few catchphrases and sounds like a fantasy novel...for AN HOUR! I've seen reports of people booing him (folks, if you're just going to drop 50 bucks to boo some guy for an hour, I'm going to start charging per pageview of Thinking Hard), others walking out...even a show last night that had someone shout "Start the show!" 20 minutes into the "performance." It was clear Sheen WANTED to do what Conan O'Brien did SUCCESSFULLY last year between his two television contracts. But let's face it: Charlie Sheen has lost his damn mind. And Gadhafi's crazy...but even HE won't go on a stupid live tour.

Winner: Charlie Sheen

So, for the first time ever in Hottest Mess Tournament history...

Intergender Finals: Lindsay Lohan vs. Charlie Sheen

For this monumental (heavy on the "mental") occasion, we've brought in a very special guest commentator...legendary actress Betty White! Betty, thanks for being here. Give us YOUR thoughts on the competitors in this year's tournament (I swear, this is an actual quote):

"I think they are terribly ungrateful. I cannot stand the people who get wonderful starts in show business, and who abuse it. Lindsay Lohan and Charlie Sheen, for example, although there are plenty of others, too. They are the most blessed people in the world and they don't appreciate it."

Wow! We actually have a rebuttal (heavy on the "butt") from Ms. Lohan:

"I've always been a fan of hers. It's just a bit strange when people feel they must speak publicly about others. Especially a grown woman."

Um, Lindsay, it's not like you're 16 anymore (even though you still party like it)...I think that ALSO makes you a "grown woman." And there are FAR WORSE things you're doing that would be considered "strange" for a grown woman to do than be a celebrity who's generally well-behaved and decry the attitudes of the more spoiled celebrities.

But let's not discount the Charlie Sheen-type of crazy. In fact, in this tournament final, Sheen invited Lohan up to his room to enjoy some time with him and his goddesses. So it all comes down to this moment. Sheen walks out of the bedroom having contracted about 20 more STDs than when he started...and Lohan's claim to fame is now that she slept with Charlie Sheen.

Hottest Mess of 2011: Lindsay Lohan (Thinks he's winning: Charlie Sheen)

I believe that's back-to-back victories for LiLo (which is just how she likes it...on her back).

-B-