Important party tip for you long-time readers of Thinking Hard: if you're speaking to someone you just met, then introduce them to one of your friends, make SURE you remember CLEARLY the name of the person you just met. Otherwise, they'll just introduce themselves to your friend...and you'll look like an idiot. It's a lose-lose.
A pretty slow news week this week...President Obama wants Congress to pass his new health reform, the republicans don't like it, nor do people making more than $350,000, who would end up footing the bill on the plan. As a guy who DOESN'T have three Jaguars in his five-story garage, let me say this: Get over it. You're not being taxed more because you're successful. You're being taxed more because you make a shit-ton of money, yet you STILL try to avoid the IRS. Piss off.
Also, today marks the last day in office for Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin. Let's see...Palin...Palin...why does that name sound so familiar? Ah yes, now I remember... former VP candidate, doesn't read magazines (or can't name them), has daughter who got knocked up out of wedlock, had spat with David Letterman over jokes about having sex with her daughters, was the focus of several ethics complaints while serving as governor, blames the media for not focusing more on the good things about Alaska (fishing and oil), possible presidential candidate in 2012 (God help us...no wonder that new movie suggests the world will end in 2012) and, most importantly, competitor in Thinking Hard's Hottest Mess Tournament '09. Hey, Sarah, good luck with whatever you decide to do next. Generally, employers don't want to hire me if they find out I quit a job mid-contract, but, hey, the american public REALLY doesn't know any better (see also: Bush Junior's SECOND term) so you do what you have to.
While we're on the subject of daffy chicks whose words become easier to ignore the fewer clothes they wear, former Miss California Carrie Prejean is writing a memoir. Yes, the 20-something woman who lost her crown because she couldn't be bothered to show up to Miss California events (to instead speak at anti-gay-marriage rallies) is writing a book. About her life. Let me guess... "Chapter 1: Birth-to-2009", "Chapters 2-36: 2009." Carrie, let me help you out. It's not that you spoke out against gay marriage to a gay blogger on national TV (not that anyone was watching). It's not that you had some risque photos taken and strewn across the internet and that show about YouTube...shit, what is it...oh, yeah: Inside Edition. It's that you were selected as Miss California, then didn't show up as Miss California to things that Miss California is supposed to do (whatever that is...trophy wife?) and instead used your tiara as a platform to speak out against civil rights. Tell you what, I've got the perfect title for you: "Angels and People Named Perez."
Anyone seen the new Transformers movie yet? Yeah, in terms of plot, it's okay. In terms of special effects, the movie-folk put a LOT of time into the details of the robots (too bad they didn't work more on the story). In fact, one of the producers said the scenes with that huge-ass construction robot (named "Devastator," if we're nerding it up in here) were SO intricate, they caused his computer to CRASH! That's AWESOME! I wonder if the computer made that transforming sound as it was dying...CH-CH-CH-CH-CH! (that's the sound...spelled out...shut up)
Finally, I thought this was a sweet story. A minor league baseball team in New York hosted a Lamaze class for pregnant mothers right in the middle of center field before their game last Sunday night. Other activities included allowing all pregnant mothers walk/run the bases. Funny, I would've thought they already would have been to third base...
-B-
Sunday, July 26, 2009
Sunday, July 19, 2009
And That's The Way It Is
Before we begin today, let me briefly mention the passing of a famous man. Michael Jackson is...oh, wait, no, that's not it...veteran newsman Walter Cronkite died Friday night. I know a lot of you who read this blog probably were NOT alive at any point before Cronkite left the air in the early 80s. I was only about 4 years old when he retired from CBS news at 65. Cronkite did it ALL. Every big news story you've ever learned about in school from the 1960s and 1970s, Cronkite covered it. The JFK assassination, the moon landing, the Vietnam war...this guy was the most trusted face in news and everyone listened to him. At the end of one newscast, he gave his opinion (something that was unheard of then...but RAMPANT now, even in LOCAL news) that he disagreed with the Vietnam War and thought it was a war the United States couldn't win. President Lyndon Johnson later remarked that he knew if he lost Cronkite, he lost middle America. Cronkite paved the way for such journalists as Dan Rather, Tom Brokaw and Sam Donaldson. And on a personal note, I know this following clip almost by heart, which is remarkable, since I wasn't born until some 14 years later. Cronkite was the standard by which we all studied journalism. And it's sad that he left this world at a time when many longtime television anchors are also leaving your living rooms. Economic cutbacks and general feelings that overpaid anchors do nothing have forced many newsrooms to cut their most well-known faces. Where does that leave us? I can assure you I have yet to meet any news anchor who can hold a candle to Cronkite, Rather or Brokaw. And with those names gone from the news, can the future of television itself be far behind? Thank you for your hard work and diligence for the American people, Mr. Cronkite:
Now, to the business at hand...MICHAEL JACKSON WAS MURDERED! Yes, it's true! His father, Joe Jackson, says so!...Seriously? It was announced this week that there may have been a deal struck with ABC News to pay $200,000 for video of an unaired reality show project with Joe and Katherine Jackson (Michael's parents)...and as a bonus, they got an interview with Joe Jackson HIMSELF! So former "MTV Newser" Chris Connelly (whose career can be seen spiraling downward two days a month, 9/8 central) sat down with Ol' Joe...and Ol' Joe spewed forth his theory that Michael Jackson's handlers (wranglers? babysitters?) killed the King of Pop because he was worth more dead than alive. And in unrelated news, the big-screen version of "Matlock" will star Joe Jackson as ace attorney/murder-solver Ben Matlock. Watch as he tries to pin a congressman's death on aliens, Bigfoot, Cthulu and Janet Jackson (because she's not speaking out about the "murder" like her sister LaToya...and he always like LaToya better anyway). Seriously, ABC? Hey, I tell you what.. you pay me $200, and I'll do an "exclusive interview" with you, rambling incoherently about the murder of my nonexistent son and how his children should come stay with me because "I have children their size." I tell you what, for an extra C-note, I'll even act like I have Tourette's!
Speaking of things that sound nuts, World Hunger Relief has a new spokesperson...Christina Aguilera. WHAT?! That girl looks like SHE'S starving! Why is she worried about if OTHER people get something to eat?? That girl needs a cracker!!! (and I, like Peter Griffin of "Family Guy," believe if I were to touch her, she would be sticky) Seriously, I saw her gain weight once and I started to feel better for her...until I realized she was pregnant and the weight was a small child! Well, at least you can put her on TV in those starving regions and make us believe that she's starving along with those poor children...unlike Sally Struthers, who apparently made her living EATING those poor children. And Twinkies.
Hey, the economy's still down the shitter. Hopefully this will make you feel a little better about it:
I was going to post the July 13th interview with Barney Frank, but it's really long and I figured you guys don't have the time for that, so let me sum it up...
1. Barney Frank talks with a speech impediment
2. Barney Frank has a sense of humor..but he thinks he's funnier than Jon Stewart
3. Barney Frank is seeing someone (sorry, boys...this one's TAKEN!)
4. Barney Frank needs to put more S-words in his sentences
...And that's the way it is.
-B-
Now, to the business at hand...MICHAEL JACKSON WAS MURDERED! Yes, it's true! His father, Joe Jackson, says so!...Seriously? It was announced this week that there may have been a deal struck with ABC News to pay $200,000 for video of an unaired reality show project with Joe and Katherine Jackson (Michael's parents)...and as a bonus, they got an interview with Joe Jackson HIMSELF! So former "MTV Newser" Chris Connelly (whose career can be seen spiraling downward two days a month, 9/8 central) sat down with Ol' Joe...and Ol' Joe spewed forth his theory that Michael Jackson's handlers (wranglers? babysitters?) killed the King of Pop because he was worth more dead than alive. And in unrelated news, the big-screen version of "Matlock" will star Joe Jackson as ace attorney/murder-solver Ben Matlock. Watch as he tries to pin a congressman's death on aliens, Bigfoot, Cthulu and Janet Jackson (because she's not speaking out about the "murder" like her sister LaToya...and he always like LaToya better anyway). Seriously, ABC? Hey, I tell you what.. you pay me $200, and I'll do an "exclusive interview" with you, rambling incoherently about the murder of my nonexistent son and how his children should come stay with me because "I have children their size." I tell you what, for an extra C-note, I'll even act like I have Tourette's!
Speaking of things that sound nuts, World Hunger Relief has a new spokesperson...Christina Aguilera. WHAT?! That girl looks like SHE'S starving! Why is she worried about if OTHER people get something to eat?? That girl needs a cracker!!! (and I, like Peter Griffin of "Family Guy," believe if I were to touch her, she would be sticky) Seriously, I saw her gain weight once and I started to feel better for her...until I realized she was pregnant and the weight was a small child! Well, at least you can put her on TV in those starving regions and make us believe that she's starving along with those poor children...unlike Sally Struthers, who apparently made her living EATING those poor children. And Twinkies.
Hey, the economy's still down the shitter. Hopefully this will make you feel a little better about it:
| The Daily Show With Jon Stewart | Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c | |||
| Lenny Dykstra's Financial Career | ||||
| ||||
I was going to post the July 13th interview with Barney Frank, but it's really long and I figured you guys don't have the time for that, so let me sum it up...
1. Barney Frank talks with a speech impediment
2. Barney Frank has a sense of humor..but he thinks he's funnier than Jon Stewart
3. Barney Frank is seeing someone (sorry, boys...this one's TAKEN!)
4. Barney Frank needs to put more S-words in his sentences
...And that's the way it is.
-B-
Sunday, July 12, 2009
Is It Over YET???
Welcome back, friends, to Thinking Hard, and I have to start this blog with some sad news...Michael Jackson is DEAD! I know, I know, hard to believe. He'll be best remembered for diddling little boys and being the King of...
...wait, what? Haven't I already done this? TWICE??...yes, yes I have.
In what can only be described as a completely abysmal lack of anything to do, 30-plus-million people tuned in Tuesday afternoon (when they should have been working...maybe they're just unemployed...I hear that's going around) to watch a 4-hour tribute to Michael Jackson. Another SIXTY-PLUS-MILLION Jack-holes tuned in to watch it online (seriously, don't these people WORK???). And apparently the ceremony will cost the city of Los Angeles about $1.4 million. This from a state that has yet to iron out a budget and is already taking three furlough days a month for its state employees...in an economy where no one's hiring and everyone's getting canned. I saw a report last week with a guy who's working for the DMV and had to get free food from charity organizations because he's NOT WORKING and NOT GETTING PAID (maybe he also watched the Jackson memorial). Apparently working for the California state government is as lucrative as working for Enron in 2001. But, hey, as long as they were able to set aside $1.4 MILLION DOLLARS for a Jackson memorial at the STAPLES CENTER! Seriously, that's basically an overpriced state burial for a homeless person. They might as well have charged $20 admission for the memorial (or $100 for a skybox) just to compensate. That...is...fucking...weak. I realize Jackson did a lot for blacks/whites/grays in the music industry yadayadayada, but he's dead. It's done. I don't give a shit WHERE his body is right now (though, my standing theory is they used it to replace his figure in the wax museum. Let's face it, with all the plastic in his body, he's better preserved than ANY wax figure...though he might still melt under the lights...). We all know drugs killed him...I don't give a shit WHAT the name of the drugs are or if he killed himself to be marketed under the new name MARTYR Jackson. And let's face it...it's the media's fault this has gotten out of hand. A "One Week Later" live show from the Today Show? Really, Matt Lauer? Is this the new summer sweeps series on Today called "Which circle of hell is Matt Lauer drowning in?" I'm done ranting. Almost...
Ahhh....now I'm done.
In other things that are more interesting than Michael Jackson, a guy in Nevada went to court for the right to put a HOE on his car. Do not adjust your computer monitor...or your eyes. You DID read that correctly. William Junge wanted a specialized plate way back in 1999 that showed his love for Lake Tahoe. But when he was told "TAHOE" had already been taken, he decided to shorten it to just "HOE." Ten years later, the Department of Motor Vehicles took the 62-YEAR-OLD "HOE" lover to court to block his use of the plate. The judge in the case gave the ruling equivalent of "You gotta be fucking kidding me...why are we even here?" Hey, at least he got to keep the plate. Imagine if he was a tofu lover...
ILUVTOFU,
-B-
...wait, what? Haven't I already done this? TWICE??...yes, yes I have.
In what can only be described as a completely abysmal lack of anything to do, 30-plus-million people tuned in Tuesday afternoon (when they should have been working...maybe they're just unemployed...I hear that's going around) to watch a 4-hour tribute to Michael Jackson. Another SIXTY-PLUS-MILLION Jack-holes tuned in to watch it online (seriously, don't these people WORK???). And apparently the ceremony will cost the city of Los Angeles about $1.4 million. This from a state that has yet to iron out a budget and is already taking three furlough days a month for its state employees...in an economy where no one's hiring and everyone's getting canned. I saw a report last week with a guy who's working for the DMV and had to get free food from charity organizations because he's NOT WORKING and NOT GETTING PAID (maybe he also watched the Jackson memorial). Apparently working for the California state government is as lucrative as working for Enron in 2001. But, hey, as long as they were able to set aside $1.4 MILLION DOLLARS for a Jackson memorial at the STAPLES CENTER! Seriously, that's basically an overpriced state burial for a homeless person. They might as well have charged $20 admission for the memorial (or $100 for a skybox) just to compensate. That...is...fucking...weak. I realize Jackson did a lot for blacks/whites/grays in the music industry yadayadayada, but he's dead. It's done. I don't give a shit WHERE his body is right now (though, my standing theory is they used it to replace his figure in the wax museum. Let's face it, with all the plastic in his body, he's better preserved than ANY wax figure...though he might still melt under the lights...). We all know drugs killed him...I don't give a shit WHAT the name of the drugs are or if he killed himself to be marketed under the new name MARTYR Jackson. And let's face it...it's the media's fault this has gotten out of hand. A "One Week Later" live show from the Today Show? Really, Matt Lauer? Is this the new summer sweeps series on Today called "Which circle of hell is Matt Lauer drowning in?" I'm done ranting. Almost...
| The Daily Show With Jon Stewart | Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c | |||
| Rippy Awards - Celebrity Crypts | ||||
| ||||
Ahhh....now I'm done.
In other things that are more interesting than Michael Jackson, a guy in Nevada went to court for the right to put a HOE on his car. Do not adjust your computer monitor...or your eyes. You DID read that correctly. William Junge wanted a specialized plate way back in 1999 that showed his love for Lake Tahoe. But when he was told "TAHOE" had already been taken, he decided to shorten it to just "HOE." Ten years later, the Department of Motor Vehicles took the 62-YEAR-OLD "HOE" lover to court to block his use of the plate. The judge in the case gave the ruling equivalent of "You gotta be fucking kidding me...why are we even here?" Hey, at least he got to keep the plate. Imagine if he was a tofu lover...
ILUVTOFU,
-B-
Sunday, July 5, 2009
Shut Up And Read
(ah, if only it were that simple...)
Breaking News! Michael Jackson is DEAD! More on that in a moment, but first, some ACTUAL news...
Breaking News! Alaska Governor Sarah Palin is resigning her office at the end of July. Friday, Palin announced she would be passing power to her lieutenant governor at the end of the month. Perhaps she's celebrating her independence by declaring herself a sovereign nation? Anyway, Andy actually sat through much of the statement (I don't have that kind of patience) and said it only took Palin SIX MINUTES to blame the media (that's me) for not covering the "good stories" in Alaska. After THAT Trigg-like rambling, she announced ELEVEN MINUTES in that she wasn't going to seek re-election...and ANOTHER MINUTE to say "Hey, wait a sec...did I mention I'm quitting office at the end of this month?" Well, good to see she got to the point quickly. Yes, Palin referred to the "rich" history of Alaska, including when it was purchased from Russia (she can STILL see it from her house) in what's called "Seward's Folly"...which was really only a smart purchase from the oil standpoint. Anyway, in what I'll consider "Palin's Folly," she says she can do more outside of government than as governor (well, at least she can get away with more...). Andy also mentioned that Palin said in her speech "The world needs MORE Triggs, not fewer." Really?
So, can a brotha get a new job title for Sarah Palin? Some speculate this could be the start of a presidential bid in 2012. Um, Mrs. Palin, I realize you're "America's Sweetheart" for the uneducated, but is it really a wise move to have a blotch on your political career that says "Resigned in the middle of term in a major government office" when you're looking to run for president??? Hey, at least she thinks she can beat Obama. In a recent interview with Runner's World magazine (apparently the only magazine she DOES read...or at least looks at the pictures), Palin said she could probably beat President Obama in a marathon. Maybe, but only if she doesn't stop halfway through the race. In unrelated news, I've decided to cancel my subscription to Runner's World. That and the expose of how former President "W" Bush used velcro on his shoes instead of laces just make me question the journalism involved.
We'll keep an eye on Palin's career as it moves ahea...er, whatever direction it's going. Now, to the other big story: Michael Jackson is dead! Did you hear about this? If you're like 2/3 of americans, you have and you stopped giving a fuck about 5 minutes into the 24-hour coverage. Yep, a survey this week shows 2 out of every 3 people in the U.S. are sick of the Jackson coverage. Can't say I blame him. The POPE didn't get this much press after he died! Maybe if the pope had been diddling young boys...
In a story that has NO CONNECTION to Michael Jackson WHATSOEVER, a guy boarded a US Airways flight from Charlotte, NC, to Los Angeles this week...and got naked midflight! Totally naked. The plane had to make an emergency landing in Albequerque to get him off (pun intended). Hey, that guy loves to fly, and it shows. Apparently the skies aren't THAT friendly. His tray-table wasn't the only thing in the upright position! Maybe he should have flied Air New Zealand, which recently started showing THIS safety video in-flight to keep the attention of the passengers:
Yes, those people are naked with their clothes painted on...or, as I like to call it, another Monday morning at the office.
Oh, one more news item...Bernie Madoff got sentenced this week to more than 100 years in prison for running a scam on investors that netted him millions of dollars. The sentence means he will probably spend the rest of his life behind bars. But, on the plus side, he's already snagged an advertising deal. We here at Thinking Hard got an early look at the ad:
Happy 4th!
-B-
Breaking News! Michael Jackson is DEAD! More on that in a moment, but first, some ACTUAL news...
Breaking News! Alaska Governor Sarah Palin is resigning her office at the end of July. Friday, Palin announced she would be passing power to her lieutenant governor at the end of the month. Perhaps she's celebrating her independence by declaring herself a sovereign nation? Anyway, Andy actually sat through much of the statement (I don't have that kind of patience) and said it only took Palin SIX MINUTES to blame the media (that's me) for not covering the "good stories" in Alaska. After THAT Trigg-like rambling, she announced ELEVEN MINUTES in that she wasn't going to seek re-election...and ANOTHER MINUTE to say "Hey, wait a sec...did I mention I'm quitting office at the end of this month?" Well, good to see she got to the point quickly. Yes, Palin referred to the "rich" history of Alaska, including when it was purchased from Russia (she can STILL see it from her house) in what's called "Seward's Folly"...which was really only a smart purchase from the oil standpoint. Anyway, in what I'll consider "Palin's Folly," she says she can do more outside of government than as governor (well, at least she can get away with more...). Andy also mentioned that Palin said in her speech "The world needs MORE Triggs, not fewer." Really?
So, can a brotha get a new job title for Sarah Palin? Some speculate this could be the start of a presidential bid in 2012. Um, Mrs. Palin, I realize you're "America's Sweetheart" for the uneducated, but is it really a wise move to have a blotch on your political career that says "Resigned in the middle of term in a major government office" when you're looking to run for president??? Hey, at least she thinks she can beat Obama. In a recent interview with Runner's World magazine (apparently the only magazine she DOES read...or at least looks at the pictures), Palin said she could probably beat President Obama in a marathon. Maybe, but only if she doesn't stop halfway through the race. In unrelated news, I've decided to cancel my subscription to Runner's World. That and the expose of how former President "W" Bush used velcro on his shoes instead of laces just make me question the journalism involved.
We'll keep an eye on Palin's career as it moves ahea...er, whatever direction it's going. Now, to the other big story: Michael Jackson is dead! Did you hear about this? If you're like 2/3 of americans, you have and you stopped giving a fuck about 5 minutes into the 24-hour coverage. Yep, a survey this week shows 2 out of every 3 people in the U.S. are sick of the Jackson coverage. Can't say I blame him. The POPE didn't get this much press after he died! Maybe if the pope had been diddling young boys...
In a story that has NO CONNECTION to Michael Jackson WHATSOEVER, a guy boarded a US Airways flight from Charlotte, NC, to Los Angeles this week...and got naked midflight! Totally naked. The plane had to make an emergency landing in Albequerque to get him off (pun intended). Hey, that guy loves to fly, and it shows. Apparently the skies aren't THAT friendly. His tray-table wasn't the only thing in the upright position! Maybe he should have flied Air New Zealand, which recently started showing THIS safety video in-flight to keep the attention of the passengers:
Yes, those people are naked with their clothes painted on...or, as I like to call it, another Monday morning at the office.
Oh, one more news item...Bernie Madoff got sentenced this week to more than 100 years in prison for running a scam on investors that netted him millions of dollars. The sentence means he will probably spend the rest of his life behind bars. But, on the plus side, he's already snagged an advertising deal. We here at Thinking Hard got an early look at the ad:
Happy 4th!
-B-
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