Welcome, friends, to the post-Christmas-letdown edition of Thinking Hard. That feeling of indifference and "blah" going through your system right now? It's your body reminding you that Christmas is done and over with for another 364 days...or you just miss Brittany Murphy's acting THAT MUCH. I'll never tell.
Yes, sad news from the entertainment world: actress Brittany Murphy died this week of a heroi...er, *ahem*, a HEART problem. Murphy was perhaps best known for her work as a young, impressionable girl with crazy eyes in "Clueless"...or as a mental case with crazy eyes in "Don't Say A Word"...or as a woman with crazy eyes in REAL LIFE. No exact cause of death has been released yet, leaving many to speculate if and how many drugs were involved. But one thing's for sure...THIS is the celebrity actress death that should've been overshadowed by Michael Jackson.
While we're on the subject of crazy women, I hear the Pope hates them:
Yes, a mentally ill woman jumped a barricade at Christmas Eve mass at the Vatican and ATTACKED THE POPE (thereby ensuring her name will be on next year's "Naughty" list)! The Pope's okay...I mean, she didn't BITE him and turn him into a Zombie Pope (a new series that should come out from Marvel Comics) or anything...but, apparently, she tried the same thing LAST year and was stopped by security in time. Look, two things: 1. Security stopped her LAST year but not THIS year? What, are they upset about cutbacks in the Vatican? Have they been told to stop taking the corporate jet??? 2. If you are this woman's family, if she keeps saying "I'm just going for a short walk" around MIDNIGHT on CHRISTMAS EVE, maybe you want to consider...I don't know...STOPPING HER??? How about tying her to a chair or something...I'm sure you have a crapload of GARLAND you can use!
While we're on the subject of people who are nuts and the security people who ignore them, how about the asshole who's keeping me from getting my Ipod out of my carry-on bag while on an airplane? I'm talking about the sonuvabitch who tried to light a bomb on a plane over Detroit Christmas day. He ended up botching it and instead of an explosion, he started a fire. Passengers held him until the plane landed. Seriously? DETROIT??? Did al-Qaeda not hear how FUCKED Detroit is? He'd have been better off blowing up a plane over OMAHA! Also, because of this fuck-up, the FAA will no longer let any passengers access their carry-on bags mid-flight. So if I take a book on the plane to read and I change my mind and decide to play my Nintendo DS, I can't. Worst part? This guy's dad apparently expressed concern that his son was getting into trouble with al-Qaeda a MONTH before the attack! Sure, the IRS can spend the time and manpower trying to figure out if I pay my taxes, but government agents can't look into this dumb shit??? They're apparently too busy enforcing that new health care bill...oh, wait, IT'S NOT PASSED YET!
You think I'M upset??? Check out what MSNBC's Dylan Ratigan did to democratic congresswoman Debbie Wasserman Schultz of Florida during a live interview a week ago:
Y'know, a show where a newsman interviews himself for two hours...I think I could produce that. I have some experience...
Hey, I went Christmas Day to see the new "Sherlock Holmes" film with Robert Downey, Junior, and Jude Law. A charming film, but I would've enjoyed it better if I wasn't in a packed theater. Seeing it in a packed theater on Christmas Day gave me a little santa-claustrophobia.
Adding a couple new "Friends of the Show"...Fail Blog and Cake Wrecks Blog. Both are fun, and they occasionally offer great spelling errors seen in the wild. Enjoy!
While we're on the subject, Central Connecticut State University (School mascot: the Wherethefuckisthat) recently released its survey of most literate cities in the U.S. Seattle ranked at the top of the list of 75 cities. Charlotte, North Carolina, ranked 27th, just three spots ahead of Chicago...and 12 spots behind Lexington, Kentucky (really??). Let's see the last city...I'm sure it's somewhere in South Carolina...ah, better...El Paso, Texas. It's unfortunate that those texans can't learn what "cerveza" means...maybe they should go back to school.
And speaking of EPIC FAILS, Hewlett-Packard apparently has NO black people testing their products. HP recently came out with a new webcam that will track the user's face. Pretty cool...until customers started realizing the camera DOES NOT RECOGNIZE BLACK FACES!
In other news, HP will change its name to Hitler-Packard. "Hitler-Packard: working to erase everyone who's different than us." (I like how the guy in the video uses the term "blackness" like "computer virus.")
Actually, HP isn't NEARLY as bad as Kentucky Fried Chicken, which released THIS commercial in the UK, showing white fans how to deal with an awkward situation at cricket games (cricket's a sport, unlike NASCAR...I'm looking at YOU, Associated Press members who chose Jimmie Johnson as Athlete of the Year). Check out this ad and see if YOU can tell what's wrong with it:
The correct answer is: "Pepsi MAX??? Who drinks Pepsi MAX???"
-B-
Sunday, December 27, 2009
Sunday, December 20, 2009
The MOST wonderful time of the year? REALLY?!
Try telling that to the poor fuckers I left behind at O'Hare last night (after a 3-hour delay myself) who were trying to fly to DC or New York. In fact, I brought out a classic video clip that STILL works for this storm:
Let's heat things up for you in this winter storm...the high-priced call girl who brought down New York Governor Eliot Spitzer is now doing an ADVICE COLUMN! Hey, you KNOW it'll be awesome advice. After all, when this whole Tiger Woods thing got big, she said "At least I had the common sense to keep my mouth shut"...well, except for that one part, but he paid extra for it.
Speaking of keeping warm in bed, I am NOT one to promote Twitter. I think it's asinine and the people who use it apparently think they're more important than they really are. That said, ONE guy put it to good use. See, his buddy and his buddy's new wife asked him to house-sit while they went on their honeymoon. So, in his time, he RIGGED THEIR BED to update Twitter when they were having sex! It includes weight, length of time, a FRENZY RATING...even a JUDGE'S comments! Check this out...this is how their first "outing" started on Twitter: "They're on the job! #2 - Action commenced at 15.50GMT. Weight: 151KG." Here's how it ended 22 minutes later: "They're off the job! #2 - Action concluded at 16.12GMT. Duration: 22 m.05 s. Frenzy Index: 4 (easy listening). Judge's Comment: 'Good work!' 8:12 AM Dec 11th from Power Twitter" In an unrelated note, I'm available for housesitting...
I have to tell you, it's good to be back in town after all the crazy snow. No real cataclysms on my holiday break...just some real Christmas cheer for once. So, I'd like to spread a little cheer myself, especially for you Guitar Heroes and Rock Band members out there:
...okay, maybe this Guitar Hero thing is getting a little out of hand. Nothing says "Daddy doesn't have any time for you" like hooking up a giant Guitar Hero game to the garage.
-B-
Let's heat things up for you in this winter storm...the high-priced call girl who brought down New York Governor Eliot Spitzer is now doing an ADVICE COLUMN! Hey, you KNOW it'll be awesome advice. After all, when this whole Tiger Woods thing got big, she said "At least I had the common sense to keep my mouth shut"...well, except for that one part, but he paid extra for it.
Speaking of keeping warm in bed, I am NOT one to promote Twitter. I think it's asinine and the people who use it apparently think they're more important than they really are. That said, ONE guy put it to good use. See, his buddy and his buddy's new wife asked him to house-sit while they went on their honeymoon. So, in his time, he RIGGED THEIR BED to update Twitter when they were having sex! It includes weight, length of time, a FRENZY RATING...even a JUDGE'S comments! Check this out...this is how their first "outing" started on Twitter: "They're on the job! #2 - Action commenced at 15.50GMT. Weight: 151KG." Here's how it ended 22 minutes later: "They're off the job! #2 - Action concluded at 16.12GMT. Duration: 22 m.05 s. Frenzy Index: 4 (easy listening). Judge's Comment: 'Good work!' 8:12 AM Dec 11th from Power Twitter" In an unrelated note, I'm available for housesitting...
I have to tell you, it's good to be back in town after all the crazy snow. No real cataclysms on my holiday break...just some real Christmas cheer for once. So, I'd like to spread a little cheer myself, especially for you Guitar Heroes and Rock Band members out there:
...okay, maybe this Guitar Hero thing is getting a little out of hand. Nothing says "Daddy doesn't have any time for you" like hooking up a giant Guitar Hero game to the garage.
-B-
Friday, December 11, 2009
It's Bat-Shit Cold Up Here!
Greetings from the frozen tundra of Chicago, Illinois. I'm here for the next week and a half for the holidays. Local temperature: 6 degrees. Or, as I like to call it, "stupid cold."
Didn't want to leave you readers hanging over the holiday, so here are a couple of quick hits...
*At last count, nine different women claim to have slept with Tiger Woods (and none of them are very attractive). Looks like Tiger's gunning for the new holiday classic, "The Twelve Lays of Christmas."
*Color giant Pantone (yes, they specialize in colors...all of them) has selected the 2010 Color of the Year. And the winner is...TURQUOISE. Turquoise would have been here to accept, but he's currently on tour at a bunch of indian reservations, so Fuschia will be accepting...and Baby-Puke Yellow will be sitting in the audience, trying to figure out who she has to sleep with to get the damn award next year.
*Hey, who says you can't be SMART to work at Fox News? You just have to PLAY dumb to the lowest common denominator:
And a little something extra for your stocking...
I was told there would be no math...or spelling.
-B-
Didn't want to leave you readers hanging over the holiday, so here are a couple of quick hits...
*At last count, nine different women claim to have slept with Tiger Woods (and none of them are very attractive). Looks like Tiger's gunning for the new holiday classic, "The Twelve Lays of Christmas."
*Color giant Pantone (yes, they specialize in colors...all of them) has selected the 2010 Color of the Year. And the winner is...TURQUOISE. Turquoise would have been here to accept, but he's currently on tour at a bunch of indian reservations, so Fuschia will be accepting...and Baby-Puke Yellow will be sitting in the audience, trying to figure out who she has to sleep with to get the damn award next year.
*Hey, who says you can't be SMART to work at Fox News? You just have to PLAY dumb to the lowest common denominator:
| The Daily Show With Jon Stewart | Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c | |||
| Gretchen Carlson Dumbs Down | ||||
| ||||
And a little something extra for your stocking...
| The Daily Show With Jon Stewart | Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c | |||
| Beck - Not So Mellow Gold | ||||
| ||||
I was told there would be no math...or spelling.
-B-
Sunday, December 6, 2009
I Have A Feeling I'm Forgetting Something...
...ah, well, it'll come to me.
Speaking of forgetting things, it looks like I forgot a few choice gift ideas in last week's Black Friday blog. If you like poo, and who doesn't, might I suggest a reindeer-dung necklace from the Miller Park Zoo in Bloomington, IL. Yes, the $15 "limited-edition" (because, hey, we can't do this all day) Magical Reindeer Gem pendant necklace contains dried, sterilized (oh, yeah, that makes me feel MUCH better) reindeer droppings, SPRAYED WITH GLITTER, on a beaded chain. Because nothing says "See, honey, Santa and his reindeer ARE real...here are the carrots you left for Prancer" like a reindeer-shit necklace. Still, it sure beats a lump of...ew...in your stocking.
And for the people who can't EVER seem to figure out where they're driving (and if they like drugs), SNOOP DOGG is doing some voice work to give you directions on your GPS. Oh, sure, THAT'S gonna help...what fucking direction is LRIZZLE???
Hmm...I swear there was something else I was going to talk about. Let me turn on some Chinese TV...it always helps me remember. Ah, it looks like EA has the new Tiger Woods PGA Tour game demo out:
OH! THAT WAS IT! Yes, if you've been avoiding the television like the plague this week, you missed the fact that Tiger crashed into a fire hydrant and tree outside his home early Black Friday (which is odd, because usually when Tiger drives, he misses both the water AND the trees). His wife said she used the first thing she had available...a FIVE-IRON...to break out a rear window and pull Tiger out of the car. Later, it came out that Tiger's had a few...um...shall we say LIAISONS with other women. Apparently when he was talking about playing 18 holes at Pebble Beach, he was NOT talking about golf. So now there's talk that Tiger's wife might have attacked him and he drove off to get away. Now, while there's talk that he might have to pay his probably-soon-to-be-ex-wife millions of dollars, don't feel bad for Tiger just yet. EA and Nike have both said they're sticking with Tiger as a spokesman, and he's just picked up a sponsorship deal from the car safety device, The Club. Now, he's going to need a new club to replace the one wrapped around his head...er, I mean, used to heroically save his life...but he's already got one handy: the Tire Iron. Let's see what Saturday Night Live has to say about this whole thing:
And while we're talking about getting a little piece of ass on the side, check out this picture UNPHOTOSHOPPED to promote a Sesame Street appearance on "The Tyra Banks Show:"
Hey, don't get upset with CM...he did it all for the cookie, uh-huh, the cookie, uh-huh, so you can take that cookie and stick it up your a...
-B-
Speaking of forgetting things, it looks like I forgot a few choice gift ideas in last week's Black Friday blog. If you like poo, and who doesn't, might I suggest a reindeer-dung necklace from the Miller Park Zoo in Bloomington, IL. Yes, the $15 "limited-edition" (because, hey, we can't do this all day) Magical Reindeer Gem pendant necklace contains dried, sterilized (oh, yeah, that makes me feel MUCH better) reindeer droppings, SPRAYED WITH GLITTER, on a beaded chain. Because nothing says "See, honey, Santa and his reindeer ARE real...here are the carrots you left for Prancer" like a reindeer-shit necklace. Still, it sure beats a lump of...ew...in your stocking.
And for the people who can't EVER seem to figure out where they're driving (and if they like drugs), SNOOP DOGG is doing some voice work to give you directions on your GPS. Oh, sure, THAT'S gonna help...what fucking direction is LRIZZLE???
Hmm...I swear there was something else I was going to talk about. Let me turn on some Chinese TV...it always helps me remember. Ah, it looks like EA has the new Tiger Woods PGA Tour game demo out:
OH! THAT WAS IT! Yes, if you've been avoiding the television like the plague this week, you missed the fact that Tiger crashed into a fire hydrant and tree outside his home early Black Friday (which is odd, because usually when Tiger drives, he misses both the water AND the trees). His wife said she used the first thing she had available...a FIVE-IRON...to break out a rear window and pull Tiger out of the car. Later, it came out that Tiger's had a few...um...shall we say LIAISONS with other women. Apparently when he was talking about playing 18 holes at Pebble Beach, he was NOT talking about golf. So now there's talk that Tiger's wife might have attacked him and he drove off to get away. Now, while there's talk that he might have to pay his probably-soon-to-be-ex-wife millions of dollars, don't feel bad for Tiger just yet. EA and Nike have both said they're sticking with Tiger as a spokesman, and he's just picked up a sponsorship deal from the car safety device, The Club. Now, he's going to need a new club to replace the one wrapped around his head...er, I mean, used to heroically save his life...but he's already got one handy: the Tire Iron. Let's see what Saturday Night Live has to say about this whole thing:
And while we're talking about getting a little piece of ass on the side, check out this picture UNPHOTOSHOPPED to promote a Sesame Street appearance on "The Tyra Banks Show:"
Hey, don't get upset with CM...he did it all for the cookie, uh-huh, the cookie, uh-huh, so you can take that cookie and stick it up your a...
-B-
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