Don't Be A H-'08-er

Most common complaint from me about the new year?

Nope, not the "I had to work at the station overnight on New Year's Eve AGAIN and this time, they caught me with the whiskey in hand" complaint.

Not the "I can't believe I paid $150 to stand here for two hours listening to a tone-deaf band and eat 'hors d'ouevres' that are really just Ritz crackers with spray cheese" complaint either.

And sadly, not the popular "Why doesn't Dick Clark just DIE already???"

My biggest complaint about the new year? "Why can't I remember to write the correct year on my checks until March?" If I'm going to make any kind of New Year's Resolution, it's going to be to REMEMBER THE DAMN YEAR!

For everyone out there looking back on the 2007 that was and the 2008 that can be, I hope you find a way to live your dreams in the next 366 days...it's a leap year.

From those of us at Thinking Hard, have a safe and happy new year.
-B-

Peruvian Invasion

Sorry I've been off Blog island. My future in laws are here from Peru.

Not Peru, Iowa (actually there are cities in eight states named Peru) the actual Peru, SOUTH America. Home of Incas, pan flutes and ruins.

This trip they've had what I like to call a Very Cracker Christmas. We've done it with both sides of the family and everything was smooth.... except for the weather.

I don't think her dad is adjusting to the Minnesota winter, which has been mild. Sure, we've seen close to record snow fall in December, but the temps have been in the mid 20s. For those of you reading abroad, that is nice compared to the negative highs we can see in January and February.

Its been perfect winter weather to be outside. On Christmas day we had an impromptu snowball fight. Really, it was a snow throw. The snow was not sticky enough to roll into balls (I wanted to build a Snow Hombre (man) but that was not to be) so it became more of a snow throw.

Other than the food orgy, I don't have anything too memorable from Christmas to tell you. Gifts were open, cookies were munched, then it was over.

A Brief Happy Holidays Message From Mike Tyson

"Have a Merry Christmas...or I'll eat your children."

Seriously, though, for me, the packages have all been wrapped, then unwrapped, then ogled, then opened (stupid plastic blister-packing), then broken, then tried on (no three-armed sweaters this year...YAY!)... all for the sake of the holiday season.

I opened one package from my young cousin. I was there in Des Moines when she was born and remember her crying for others, but not me. We would chase each other around corners at my house (she was 2, I was 19...you're never too old) and I remember her playful laughter, then calling out my name "Blaaaaa-aaaaine," though because she was still working on her B's, she reduced it to "Maaaaa-aaaaaine." Next year, she starts driving. She's growing up...and now I know how my parents feel watching ME get older.

Anyway, she gave me a picture frame this year that she painstakingly decorated with paint, stars and endless amounts of glitter. She has always given me something she's painted/glued/assembled on her own. It's a Christmas tradition. And I think she found a way to put love in a Christmas present.

Whether you're with family and friends or just have a couple of people (or a cat) to keep you warm and snuggly this Christmas Eve night, I wish you all the best and hope you find everything you're looking for in the coming year...including the glitter.

-B-

Sex, Pop, Pop Sex, Video Games...And Other Teen Vices

Y'know, I'm on vacation. I really don't need to be bothered by this. But once I looked into it, it started to snowball (pun intended). Consider this my weekly "Where The Fuck Are Their Parents?" blog.

First up, the big news out of Hollywood...Britney Spears' 16-year-old sister and Nickelodeon pop star, Jamie Lynn Spears, is pregnant. I'm going to say this for you again, in case you were laughing so hard at the irony that you missed it...Britney's 16-YEAR-OLD sister is pregnant. Uh-huh. How much you want to bet she was bumpin' uglies with one of her Zoey 101 co-stars to a CHRISTINA AGUILERA song, just to spite big sis? "Yeah, that's right...whatever your name is...you make me nice and pregnant earlier than Brit ever was! 'Wanna get, wanna get, DRRRTY!'" Even more ridiculous to actually have to read in print or online, "Mother of the Year" Lynne Spears has put her memoir of motherhood on hold INDEFINITELY. That, coming from her CHRISTIAN book publisher Wednesday (http://www.breitbart.com/article.php?id=D8TKMPHG1&show_article=1). Now, I'm going out on a limb here, but I bet her publisher drops the title "Pop Culture Mom: A Real Story of Fame and Family in a Tabloid World" and Lynne takes her book to O.J. Simpson's publisher, who will re-title the book "If I Did It...Again."

Dateline: Toronto, Canada. I love those crazy canadians, with their deliciously cheap beer, their inability to finish a sentence without the word "eh?", and their... INCEST??? Where the fuck is this girl's father? Oh, wait...that's right...he's online HAVING SEX WITH HIS FOUR-YEAR-OLD DAUGHTER!!! (http://www.att.net/s/editorial.dll?pnum=1&bfromind=7401&eeid=5595061&_sitecat=1505&dcatid=0&eetype=article&render=y&ac=-2&ck=&ch=ne&rg=blsadstrgt) Okay, seriously, this disgusts me. Some a-hole was caught back in October 2006 just hours after he exposed his FOUR-YEAR-OLD DAUGHTER on a webcam. Now, here's the REALLY disturbing part...the judge, despite calling the crime "sick," only sentenced the 35-year-old man to FOUR YEARS IN PRISON. And, proof positive that the justice system fails...he's getting credit for time served, which means he'll be in jail another 20 months (better pack the KY, a-hole) and then serves three years probation. I have no joke here, no sarcastic remark, nothing. This is just sad.

Dateline: Johnstown, Colorado. Two teens (1 16-year-old GIRL, 1 17-year-old boy) are being held on $100,000 bond in the death of the girl's 7-year-old sister. They're accused of killing her while...get this...babysitting her and IMITATING MOVES FROM THE VIDEO GAME "MORTAL KOMBAT." (http://www.rockymountainnews.com/news/2007/dec/20/teens-held-girls-mortal-kombat-death/) This reminds me a lot of a story a few years ago where a young teenage boy beat his young sister to death with "wrestling moves." Only THIS time, a witness says the teens cracked an egg in the dead girl's mouth to see if she was "messing with them." That witness also asked why the teens didn't stop when the SEVEN-YEAR-OLD girl pleaded with them to halt the attack. The boy's response: "I don't know, I was drunk." WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOUR PARENTS, YOU DUMB SHIT??? And now the media's jumping all over the 16-year-old Mortal Kombat video game franchise (seriously, I was playing this in high school...in the early nineties). Um, yeah, because negligible parenting and alcohol (and probably sex) had absolutely NOTHING to do with this whatsoever.

Finally, San Francisco Mayor Gavin Newsom has suggested deterring underage drinking of sugary sodas by putting a SURCHARGE on pop. This guy's heart's in the right place. I love it. Now, here's the response from the most-affected American Beverage Association: Hey, don't blame us...it's all those video games that keep children from going out and exercising off our calories. (http://www.iht.com/articles/2007/12/18/america/18soda.php) Tell me he didn't just say that. For those of you NOT playing video games (I'm looking in your direction, American Beverage Association), there has been a remarkable effort in the last few years to make playing video games more active. Dance Dance Revolution, Guitar Hero (if you're standing up and playing it right), anything on the Nintendo Wii...all of these games involve physical motion. In fact, children are probably burning off YOUR BEVERAGE'S CALORIES by playing video games. But it's not enough. Parents have to make sure they feed their children balanced meals of all the major food groups (no, "Donuts," "Popcorn," "Twinkies," and "Sour Jacks" are NOT the major food groups...though I DO love me some Sour Jacks). And parents need to monitor sweet soda intake as well. C'mon, I know Al Gore says we're running out of water, but it's STILL safe and healthy to drink! Where the fuck are your parents???

I gotta go. MY parents are upstairs, waiting on me for some holiday family time.
Best to you and yours,
-B-

Home For The Holidays

Ho, Ho, Ho.

I asked for a BB gun, but was told I would put my eye out. Seriously, after all this time?

On christmas vaca...returning soon!

-B-

Yes Juno

If you see one pregnancy comedy all year see Juno.

The movie is about Juno (Ellen Page) who's awkward one-time chair tryst, becomes the stuff after school specials are made of.

Her boyfriend Paulie Bleeker (Michael Cera) doesn't know what to do, neither does she, but she hides it through a snarky-dry Midwestern sarcasm.

Page and Cera are both perfect for their roles. It may be a long shot, but Page should get an Oscar nod for the role. She is that good.

Juno, is Knocked up for smart people. The subject can get crass, but its handled with well timed one-liners.

The movie is seriously light-hearted. There are some hefty emotional moments, but they aren't forced, its all natural.

Plus, the ending is really sweet.

Juno, is in limited release. Catch it at your neighborhood arthouse theater if you can.

Your gonna die

Today I went to the doctor. She found not one but two health problems. So we got to talking and it turns out they are both related... to my job.

Turns out if I don't watch it, I'll be opening myself up for a whole host of future doctors visits if I don't get normal people hours.

Mommas don't let your babies grow up to be third shifters.

--A--

Ooo, look at me, I'm a celebrity! Oh, and vote Obama.

Let's get one thing perfectly clear right off the bat...I'm a news producer biased against politics. Not the right to vote that "my forefathers died for so I could go to the ballot box and choose who I want to be elected, only to face the disheartening reality that my vote really does NOT count when the other a-hole wins the election." That I'm cool with. What you do with your first Tuesdays in November standing behind a curtain is your own business.

No, I'm talking about this charade of the electoral process. Seriously, this has gotten WAY out of hand. It seems there are only a few things one has to do to become an elected official (choose at least one):

1. Get your name on the ballot. Illegal immigrants need not apply. Legal immigrants who starred in at least 2 "Terminator" movies and 1 "Predator" film NOT featuring Aliens...and who married an anchor from a national television network...will be entertained on a case-by-case basis. But only if your film credits do not include the words "Pumping," "Destroyer," "Kindergarten," or (I don't care if it IS the holiday season) "Jingle."

2. Build an acting career NOT in the sci-fi genre, then use the ol' "I'm not a politcian, but I play one on TV" trick. Oh, and bonus points if your wife is hot and young enough to be your great-great-granddaughter. (Don't blame me...I voted for Ice-T...he's on that OTHER show about order and law. Crap, what's it called now?...)

3. Celebrity endorsements! The lynchpin of every election since George Washington was voted into the White House in Gettysburg, Pennsylvania back in 1492. (What? I failed history. What do you want from me?) And I'm not saying you have to go out and spend millions to get Tom Cruise to go on national TV and say "You don't know Mitt Romney like I know Mitt Romney, Matt. I've studied him for years, you smug bastard. May the aliens hovering around my head devour your testicles." No, you can use ANY person seen on TV in the past 80 years and call him/her/it a celebrity. I'll start big...Oprah Winfrey, talk show maven and more likely to die in the next 50 years than Larry King, stood up in front of a crowd of 29,000-plus people in South Carolina last weekend and told them why she thinks Barack Obama should be elected to the White House. Given her recent judgment on her own talk show, I'm surprised she didn't put it out in book form and call it "A Thousand Little Obamas." Now, she's suffering backlash from her own viewers on her own website. And some claim she's turned it into a RACE for the White House (you see what I did there? It's a play on words. Y'know, because people think she's supporting Obama because they're both...oh, never mind). I think I hear Mark Fuhrman rushing to arrest Obama for something.

Meanwhile, Mike Huckabee is garnering support from "celebrity" spokesman, wrestling legend, and man-boob model, "Nature Boy" Ric Flair. What's he gonna do for your campaign there, Mike? Get all the red-blooded (read: -necked) americans out there to vote for you or hit them with a steel chair? I've BEEN to Home Depot and Lowe's...their "family dining" section is NOT that big.

So, all the good celebs are taken, you say? You wanted to ask Paris Hilton for her support, but she's off being a philanthropist (read: shooting a "movie") in a foreign continent (and they can KEEP her)? Britney Spears is too sane for your demographic? Here's the only two words you need to know, the greatest secret weapon EVER:

Ron Popeil.

Yes, the genius behind that little kitchen-rotisserie-thingy and...um...well...other great kitchen products (I'm sure there are knives in there somewhere)! As a guest speaker, Big Ron can hold a crowd for at least 30 minutes! And he can do it so neatly and cleanly, there'll hardly be anything left to clean up after the meal...er, rally!

Honestly, where do my celebrities get off? How can they tell me who to vote for? It's not like I watch them for satisfaction in other parts of my otherwise drivel-filled life. What I really want to know is what Dr. Phil thinks. Or Deidre Hall. That woman just DOES NOT AGE! But seriously, celebs can harp on for hours about the tragedy of 9/11 or that we need to bring our troops home. Hell, they can talk to me for hours on end about the dangers of autism or male-pattern baldness ("The threat is real. Millions of people each day fall victim, and we need to act now to stop it in its tracks."), but when it comes to letting ME decide which incompetent boob to put in the top position in our "free" nation, let me do it...and then break down in tears as my candidate loses.

4. Don't be afraid to use the critical polling measure: "Do you like me? Big box-yes, small box-no."
-B-

You lika da juice?

It's now official.

We know who used steroids in Major League baseball.

And yes, there were some Twins on the list.

I'm not going to defend the list, but here's something to keep in mind. Those involved with writing the Mitchell report didn't talk to many players. A lot of the info used came from a former NY Mets clubhouse attendant who had a very profitable side business selling drugs to major leaguers.

One thing I found interesting inside the reports 400+ pages were the canceled checks used by players to buy the juice, including former Twin/Yankee/Tiger Rondell White.

One player who did talk was former Twins reliever Dan Naulty. He apparently felt guilty about using. As you can see the drugs really did him some good.

Baseball purists say this is the equivalent to the 1919 Black Sox Scandal. This could be more far reaching. We are talking about future hall of famers here. This is a whole baseball era, not just one team, one year.

More will come out. We'll see how it plays out.

Things you do alone in the dark

No not that thing.

With technology at our fingertips the idea of shared experiences is becoming obsolete.

The New York Times reports Paramount is planing to release a new "web only" Jackass movie.

It's an experiment to see if online only content can be profitable. Jackass 2.5 contains some new stunts along with some that didn't make the cut for the second Jackass theatrical release.

You can watch the movie for free, but before it starts there are a few ads to sit through. It's like going to the movies without the sticky floors, crying babies, teens making out and $8 ticket.

This should come as no surprise. With more people legally or illegally downloading the latest Hollywood product a web only movie (I will not call Jackass a film) is just a natural progression. This may not be the end of the multi-plex, but it is the end of a Saturday night in America.

We are becoming more isolated. Technology may bring the world to us, it makes our world smaller.

People collect myspace friends, but are they real friends? Its just a picture hiding in front of cryptic computer code few people understand. Post all the messages you want, the chance of those people really becoming your friend are slim. They won't help through a difficult time, they can't give you a ride to work if your car breaks down, and they can't meet you at the movies.

So you are stuck watching Jackass, alone on your computer. There's no shared laughter or shutter of horror with strangers at the stunt. Instead of being projected on a 40-foot screen, we see it on a 13 inch laptop monitor. Its just you watching a group of friends having fun wishing you had friends.

Maybe you should get out of the dark and into the light of reality.

--A--

Bad For Grey's, Good For Kids!

All right, it's almost a foregone conclusion that a guy who works in mass media would blog about the writers/producers/best boy/best girl/grip/assistant to Mr. Pitt strike in Hollywood...so let's get it out of the way now.

Those poor bastards who actually write a lot of the funny or touching content we know and love on such critically-acclaimed shows like Lost, Grey's Anatomy, Ghost Whisperer (better watched with the volume OFF) and others...are pretty much getting screwed. Somehow, the big Hollywood execs decided the writers would NOT receive a substantial cut of DVD and internet profits based on the shows they help create on a weekly basis. And with more TV shows being released season after season on DVD or on iTunes, that's a lot of change they're missing out on.

Now, don't get me wrong...those writers have families to support, homes to pay for, yada yada. But many of them make more in one to five years than I will ever see in this lifetime. Still, what puts THEIR families in California's version of poverty (read: Schwarzenegger votes you off the "island" of America and sends you down to Mexico, where you're forced to drink the "water") is actually good for YOUR family.

Children of this generation are slowly working their way from Generation "X" and "Y" to Generation "Duh." Parents are working twice as hard to make ends meet, many times bringing their work home with them and telling the kiddos to plant their collective rears in front of the TV, zone out and stop annoying Mommy and Daddy. But you know what, folks? No writers means no new episodes. No new episodes means..*gasp*..RERUNS! In December! And twenty more "reality" shows, including one ungodly idea from overseas (I forget which direction) that Fox (of course) picked up where contestants can win "big cash money" just by sitting in a chair attached to a lie detector...and telling that formerly drunken, now rehabbing father that, no, they don't forgive them for slapping Mommy around and leaving the family on Christmas Eve. And yes, they DO wish Daddy was dead. How's THAT for family values? What, I couldn't just get "truth or dare" questions like "Who would you rather make out with, your hot cousin, or your hot sister-in-law?" And don't even get me STARTED on "The Hills."

So, parents and their children could finally be forced to..*gasp again*..turn off the TV! Whatever will they do? Talk? About drugs and violence at school? About pre-marital sex and how to protect themselves against STDs? About why taking another person's life at a shopping mall or a missionary training center, no matter how much you think they deserve to die, is wrong?

And here's another way families will be able to bond: the resurgence of board games. YES! The classics come back! Clue, Sorry!, Monopoly (okay, maybe not this one...my sister used to always end up scoring major "loans" from the bank), Scrabble...fun times spent with parents can create positive memories for children in the future, almost enough to compensate for that one night when Mommy got drunk and accused Daddy of "fornicating" (whatever that means) with the office secretary. Too bad Grandma had to see THAT one.

Besides the family bonding benefit, here's a HEALTH benefit: the Rush Alzheimer's Disease Center recently conducted a study that showed doing crossword puzzles and playing board games can stave off symptoms of dementia. (http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=1311109) And honestly, there are some VIDEO GAME versions of BOARD GAMES, thereby killing your children's eyes, but still offering the same anti-dementia benefit as regular board games.

So, yes, I will be distraught as I wait anxiously for new episodes of Chuck or Heroes or The Daily Show. But I'll feel better knowing that my illegitimate son will show up at my door, asking questions about why I did what I did to his Mommy...and I'll bust out Parcheesi and we'll have fun for hours.

-B-

First of the last posts

Looks like we made it to the blogosphere!

Sure it may be a few years late but meh... thus is life.

If you are expecting wit and charm here wait a while.

I just woke up.. sure it is about 4:15 p.m. CST. Before you envy me for a hard partying rock-n-roll lifestyle, don't. Though its always been a personal goal of mine to be a part of a cocaine-fueled backstage orgy. That will have to wait for another life

What Blaine forgot to tell you is we both work overnights. So its like being constantly tired, constantly sharp and constantly waiting for a good "day's" rest.

In the next few minutes I hope to eat something, go for a walk and finish writing this blog post.

Wait... I am finished.

Welcome...please keep your shoes off the table.

By popular demand... because NO ONE asked for it... welcome to the official blog of Andy Graning and Blaine Clark! *fanfare erupts*

Andy and I have been emailing back and forth about many general topics, and we've found interesting things to say about things going on in the world around us. Andy even finds some good articles that we banter about. So we thought we'd let you guys in on the private conversation.

If you don't know us (and honestly, the only ones reading this will be the ones who know us), Andy and I are news producers. We met working at WHAS in Louisville, Kentucky, and became good friends and running buddies. We're both known for our dry senses of humor, his love for Mah Jongg and my...um....well... I'm tall.

So, welcome to our brains. If this was a movie, it'd be "Being Andy Graning and Blaine Clark...oh, fine, John Malkovich can hang out too." We welcome input. Show us the love. This is the way Andy and I can connect between his station in Minneapolis and my station in Charlotte...covering Louisville in-between.

Let the games begin.
"Offering our dry wit, incessant ranting and red hair across the U.S. for more than 30 years."