Y'know, I'm on vacation. I really don't need to be bothered by this. But once I looked into it, it started to snowball (pun intended). Consider this my weekly "Where The Fuck Are Their Parents?" blog.
First up, the big news out of Hollywood...Britney Spears' 16-year-old sister and Nickelodeon pop star, Jamie Lynn Spears, is pregnant. I'm going to say this for you again, in case you were laughing so hard at the irony that you missed it...Britney's 16-YEAR-OLD sister is pregnant. Uh-huh. How much you want to bet she was bumpin' uglies with one of her Zoey 101 co-stars to a CHRISTINA AGUILERA song, just to spite big sis? "Yeah, that's right...whatever your name is...you make me nice and pregnant earlier than Brit ever was! 'Wanna get, wanna get, DRRRTY!'" Even more ridiculous to actually have to read in print or online, "Mother of the Year" Lynne Spears has put her memoir of motherhood on hold INDEFINITELY. That, coming from her CHRISTIAN book publisher Wednesday (http://www.breitbart.com/article.php?id=D8TKMPHG1&show_article=1). Now, I'm going out on a limb here, but I bet her publisher drops the title "Pop Culture Mom: A Real Story of Fame and Family in a Tabloid World" and Lynne takes her book to O.J. Simpson's publisher, who will re-title the book "If I Did It...Again."
Dateline: Toronto, Canada. I love those crazy canadians, with their deliciously cheap beer, their inability to finish a sentence without the word "eh?", and their... INCEST??? Where the fuck is this girl's father? Oh, wait...that's right...he's online HAVING SEX WITH HIS FOUR-YEAR-OLD DAUGHTER!!! (http://www.att.net/s/editorial.dll?pnum=1&bfromind=7401&eeid=5595061&_sitecat=1505&dcatid=0&eetype=article&render=y&ac=-2&ck=&ch=ne&rg=blsadstrgt) Okay, seriously, this disgusts me. Some a-hole was caught back in October 2006 just hours after he exposed his FOUR-YEAR-OLD DAUGHTER on a webcam. Now, here's the REALLY disturbing part...the judge, despite calling the crime "sick," only sentenced the 35-year-old man to FOUR YEARS IN PRISON. And, proof positive that the justice system fails...he's getting credit for time served, which means he'll be in jail another 20 months (better pack the KY, a-hole) and then serves three years probation. I have no joke here, no sarcastic remark, nothing. This is just sad.
Dateline: Johnstown, Colorado. Two teens (1 16-year-old GIRL, 1 17-year-old boy) are being held on $100,000 bond in the death of the girl's 7-year-old sister. They're accused of killing her while...get this...babysitting her and IMITATING MOVES FROM THE VIDEO GAME "MORTAL KOMBAT." (http://www.rockymountainnews.com/news/2007/dec/20/teens-held-girls-mortal-kombat-death/) This reminds me a lot of a story a few years ago where a young teenage boy beat his young sister to death with "wrestling moves." Only THIS time, a witness says the teens cracked an egg in the dead girl's mouth to see if she was "messing with them." That witness also asked why the teens didn't stop when the SEVEN-YEAR-OLD girl pleaded with them to halt the attack. The boy's response: "I don't know, I was drunk." WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOUR PARENTS, YOU DUMB SHIT??? And now the media's jumping all over the 16-year-old Mortal Kombat video game franchise (seriously, I was playing this in high school...in the early nineties). Um, yeah, because negligible parenting and alcohol (and probably sex) had absolutely NOTHING to do with this whatsoever.
Finally, San Francisco Mayor Gavin Newsom has suggested deterring underage drinking of sugary sodas by putting a SURCHARGE on pop. This guy's heart's in the right place. I love it. Now, here's the response from the most-affected American Beverage Association: Hey, don't blame us...it's all those video games that keep children from going out and exercising off our calories. (http://www.iht.com/articles/2007/12/18/america/18soda.php) Tell me he didn't just say that. For those of you NOT playing video games (I'm looking in your direction, American Beverage Association), there has been a remarkable effort in the last few years to make playing video games more active. Dance Dance Revolution, Guitar Hero (if you're standing up and playing it right), anything on the Nintendo Wii...all of these games involve physical motion. In fact, children are probably burning off YOUR BEVERAGE'S CALORIES by playing video games. But it's not enough. Parents have to make sure they feed their children balanced meals of all the major food groups (no, "Donuts," "Popcorn," "Twinkies," and "Sour Jacks" are NOT the major food groups...though I DO love me some Sour Jacks). And parents need to monitor sweet soda intake as well. C'mon, I know Al Gore says we're running out of water, but it's STILL safe and healthy to drink! Where the fuck are your parents???
I gotta go. MY parents are upstairs, waiting on me for some holiday family time.
Best to you and yours,
-B-
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