Let's get one thing perfectly clear right off the bat...I'm a news producer biased against politics. Not the right to vote that "my forefathers died for so I could go to the ballot box and choose who I want to be elected, only to face the disheartening reality that my vote really does NOT count when the other a-hole wins the election." That I'm cool with. What you do with your first Tuesdays in November standing behind a curtain is your own business.
No, I'm talking about this charade of the electoral process. Seriously, this has gotten WAY out of hand. It seems there are only a few things one has to do to become an elected official (choose at least one):
1. Get your name on the ballot. Illegal immigrants need not apply. Legal immigrants who starred in at least 2 "Terminator" movies and 1 "Predator" film NOT featuring Aliens...and who married an anchor from a national television network...will be entertained on a case-by-case basis. But only if your film credits do not include the words "Pumping," "Destroyer," "Kindergarten," or (I don't care if it IS the holiday season) "Jingle."
2. Build an acting career NOT in the sci-fi genre, then use the ol' "I'm not a politcian, but I play one on TV" trick. Oh, and bonus points if your wife is hot and young enough to be your great-great-granddaughter. (Don't blame me...I voted for Ice-T...he's on that OTHER show about order and law. Crap, what's it called now?...)
3. Celebrity endorsements! The lynchpin of every election since George Washington was voted into the White House in Gettysburg, Pennsylvania back in 1492. (What? I failed history. What do you want from me?) And I'm not saying you have to go out and spend millions to get Tom Cruise to go on national TV and say "You don't know Mitt Romney like I know Mitt Romney, Matt. I've studied him for years, you smug bastard. May the aliens hovering around my head devour your testicles." No, you can use ANY person seen on TV in the past 80 years and call him/her/it a celebrity. I'll start big...Oprah Winfrey, talk show maven and more likely to die in the next 50 years than Larry King, stood up in front of a crowd of 29,000-plus people in South Carolina last weekend and told them why she thinks Barack Obama should be elected to the White House. Given her recent judgment on her own talk show, I'm surprised she didn't put it out in book form and call it "A Thousand Little Obamas." Now, she's suffering backlash from her own viewers on her own website. And some claim she's turned it into a RACE for the White House (you see what I did there? It's a play on words. Y'know, because people think she's supporting Obama because they're both...oh, never mind). I think I hear Mark Fuhrman rushing to arrest Obama for something.
Meanwhile, Mike Huckabee is garnering support from "celebrity" spokesman, wrestling legend, and man-boob model, "Nature Boy" Ric Flair. What's he gonna do for your campaign there, Mike? Get all the red-blooded (read: -necked) americans out there to vote for you or hit them with a steel chair? I've BEEN to Home Depot and Lowe's...their "family dining" section is NOT that big.
So, all the good celebs are taken, you say? You wanted to ask Paris Hilton for her support, but she's off being a philanthropist (read: shooting a "movie") in a foreign continent (and they can KEEP her)? Britney Spears is too sane for your demographic? Here's the only two words you need to know, the greatest secret weapon EVER:
Ron Popeil.
Yes, the genius behind that little kitchen-rotisserie-thingy and...um...well...other great kitchen products (I'm sure there are knives in there somewhere)! As a guest speaker, Big Ron can hold a crowd for at least 30 minutes! And he can do it so neatly and cleanly, there'll hardly be anything left to clean up after the meal...er, rally!
Honestly, where do my celebrities get off? How can they tell me who to vote for? It's not like I watch them for satisfaction in other parts of my otherwise drivel-filled life. What I really want to know is what Dr. Phil thinks. Or Deidre Hall. That woman just DOES NOT AGE! But seriously, celebs can harp on for hours about the tragedy of 9/11 or that we need to bring our troops home. Hell, they can talk to me for hours on end about the dangers of autism or male-pattern baldness ("The threat is real. Millions of people each day fall victim, and we need to act now to stop it in its tracks."), but when it comes to letting ME decide which incompetent boob to put in the top position in our "free" nation, let me do it...and then break down in tears as my candidate loses.
4. Don't be afraid to use the critical polling measure: "Do you like me? Big box-yes, small box-no."
-B-
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment