Welcome to the BLACK Friday edition of Thinking Hard (posted two days after the fact). We here at TH know it can be difficult finding that unique gift for that special someone, so we put together a small Holiday Gift Guide to help you:
For the person with eyes as big as their stomach...but not as big as their mouth:
Might I suggest HAM? Oh, but don't toss it directly at their mouth...especially if they're looking away:
She might require nasal surgery! Did you hear how she was talking after she was hit??? She had this high-pitched southern...wait, sorry, what?...that's how she NORMALLY talks?...and they gave her a TV SHOW?...huh. To be fair, she probably would have caught the ham in her mouth, but she likes to put about 13 sticks of butter on her ham first (a baker's dozen).
For the person who seems to have everything, except a TV show:
How about a ticket to the State Dinner at the White House? In fact, just show up. You don't even have to be on the guest list. Like that couple trying to get on the new Bravo show "The Real Housewives of D.C." (side note: SERIOUSLY, BRAVO???) Now they're shopping their "first broadcast interview" to all the major networks...first one to pay 6-figures gets the interview. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME??? They didn't pay $100,000+ to hear what the PRESIDENT had to say...
Not a big fan of politics? Then can I suggest a trip to New Jersey, where MTV is getting ready for their new "Jersey Shore" show...wait, I'm just getting word that a group of italian-americans wants the show OFF the air before it even premieres! Yes, the group says the show relies on crude stereotypes of italians cursing and committing violent acts. Seriously...do they WATCH "The Real World"? Apparently not: the group accuses MTV of putting on "trash television." Do they just not have CABLE?
For the alcoholic named Uncle Rick:
A New York City tavern has cooked up the nation's first 100-proof turkey! The owner infused with fruit-flavored and 100-proof Georgi vodka for three days before cooking it. Sure, you say, the alcohol would burn off. But wait: there's vodka in the gravy too! Fuck tryptophan...I want to pass out DRUNK from my turkey!
For the Fox News employee in your family:
How about a memo from corporate saying "STOP FUCKING IT UP!" Yes, after the well-documented (especially here) video-editing blunders as of late on Fox News, corporate sent a memo to its employees saying it will now be under a "zero tolerance" policy for on-air errors. You make an error or you're part of the error chain, you get a write-up, possible suspension and maybe even FIRED. In an unrelated note, Jon Stewart announced "The Daily Show" will now be shortened to ten minutes.
Finally, for the FABULOUS people you know:
Tickets to an Adam Lambert concert. They'll apparently LOVE it, especially after he kissed a male dancer during a performance at the American Music Awards. ABC got about 1,500 complaint calls (1,499 from upset parents...and 1 from a guy calling from prison who complained the performance wasn't long enough and could an operator breathe heavily into the phone for about 2 more minutes), so Good Morning America cancelled a performance by Lambert. Maybe they were also worried about the point where he grinded (ground?) his crotch into a male dancer's face onstage. You know we've come full circle when this blog both starts AND ends with someone taking pork in the face.
-B-
Sunday, November 29, 2009
Saturday, November 21, 2009
Holy Shit, What The Hell Happened To Wayne Newton's Face???
Yes, it's time for the newest segment here on Thinking Hard, "Holy Shit, What The Hell Happened To Wayne Newton's Face???":
Seriously? It looks like Kathie Lee sang into the right side of his face and the grimace he made froze! He looks like he's still half asleep and just can't quite open that eye. He should not tell his plastic surgeon "Danke Schoen," unless the meaning of "Danke Schoen" has recently changed to "No, that's okay...I really didn't like my face anyway."
Little business to take care of here...the Bad First Dates Blog has been removed from the "Friends of the Show," quite frankly because there hadn't been an update in four months. In its place, please welcome "Whitewater Wishes," a collection of pictures, videos and thoughts on the beautiful and exciting sport of whitewater rafting/kayaking/walking by new Thinking Hard reader James Capozzi. Welcome, James. I'd go rafting more often, but the sound of rushing water makes my bladder excited.
So, next week's Thanksgiving. Happy early Thanksgiving (and the ensuing Black Friday madness) to you and yours. That means that the cold winter months are right around the corner. Looking for that perfect thing to keep the homefires burning? Yep, Sarah Palin's memoir came out this week. It's called "How I Learned To Drivel"...wait, it's NOT?...that's TOTALLY what I told the publisher to print on it...anyway, it's a great chance for Palin to get back into the mainstream liberal media that she's loves so muc...WHAT? She HATES it??? Then why in the hell is she...oh, that's right...she's unemployed...and looking at a presidential bid?...but if she cost McCain HIS presidential chances, what makes her think...oh, that's sad...retardation must be hereditary. Apparently, though, she was drawing BIG crowds for her book signings:
Oh, wait, that's video of her during McCain's presidential campaign last year. Yup, look at those crowds. Anyway, here's what Jon Stewart had to say about the book:
(By the way, wait until you see the reception Stewart gave Lou Dobbs in the same show...that's coming up...)
My thoughts: Wait, Fox News has a contributor named PETER JOHNSON...JUNIOR??? That's hilarious! That's what I call my...wait, never mind.
Speaking of Fox News and onions, Suzanne Sena anchored for Fox News between 2006 and 2008, but now, her job is to INTENTIONALLY sound like an idiot as Ana Gentry:
Hey, were you waiting to catch a morning flight this week...and waited...and waited? Turns out there was a computer error with the FAA that kept hundreds of flights on the ground. That's right, a COMPUTER ERROR did what it took FOUR CRASHED FLIGHTS and A BUNCH OF TERRORISTS to do in 2001: GROUNDED FLIGHTS! Seriously, fuck terrorists...we can screw ourselves over just as easily. That reminds me...they just upgraded my computer system at work. Hope THAT doesn't cra*
*ofabitch Glenn Beck is just waiting to push that RED BUTTON next week! You wait...you'll see I'm right. Tell your friends.
Hey, here's something I want you to watch now or come back to later and watch. Jon Stewart had Lou Dobbs, formerly of CNN, on The Daily Show this week to talk about Dobbs leaving CNN and whether it had anything to do with his anti-immigration talk or suggestions that President Obama wasn't even born in this country. As always, I love Jon Stewart (it's in 2 parts):
Hey, you like music? You like going to concerts where the performers shout the name of your city/state/ethnic group? Yeah, so did the people watching Bruce Springsteen last week. Keep in mind, he's performing at the Palace of Auburn Hills in MICHIGAN:
Eventually, one of his bandmembers whispered in his ear that they were performing in Michigan. Springsteen said "Oh, I'm sorry you guys! I probably would've kept on saying OHIO all night if not for the members of the F-STREET BAND! Let's give 'em a hand!"
Finally, having trouble relating to teens? Then let Taylor Swift do it for you. She's putting out a line of GREETING CARDS through American Greetings. I have a couple hear that she sent out for early promotions...
"Hope you enjoy your beautiful wedding day. (open to inside) Let's hope you didn't invite Kanye."
"Happy birthday, girlfriend! Boys can never OWN US! (open to inside) Especially those sonsabitches you break up with you on your cell phone who you thought were cute but now you just can't stand because they're performing with their stupid brothers who you THOUGHT were on your side, but they're just a bunch of bastards, just like every man named JONAS."
Huh...I wish she would just open up and talk about her feelings...
Happy Thanksgiving!
-B-
Seriously? It looks like Kathie Lee sang into the right side of his face and the grimace he made froze! He looks like he's still half asleep and just can't quite open that eye. He should not tell his plastic surgeon "Danke Schoen," unless the meaning of "Danke Schoen" has recently changed to "No, that's okay...I really didn't like my face anyway."
Little business to take care of here...the Bad First Dates Blog has been removed from the "Friends of the Show," quite frankly because there hadn't been an update in four months. In its place, please welcome "Whitewater Wishes," a collection of pictures, videos and thoughts on the beautiful and exciting sport of whitewater rafting/kayaking/walking by new Thinking Hard reader James Capozzi. Welcome, James. I'd go rafting more often, but the sound of rushing water makes my bladder excited.
So, next week's Thanksgiving. Happy early Thanksgiving (and the ensuing Black Friday madness) to you and yours. That means that the cold winter months are right around the corner. Looking for that perfect thing to keep the homefires burning? Yep, Sarah Palin's memoir came out this week. It's called "How I Learned To Drivel"...wait, it's NOT?...that's TOTALLY what I told the publisher to print on it...anyway, it's a great chance for Palin to get back into the mainstream liberal media that she's loves so muc...WHAT? She HATES it??? Then why in the hell is she...oh, that's right...she's unemployed...and looking at a presidential bid?...but if she cost McCain HIS presidential chances, what makes her think...oh, that's sad...retardation must be hereditary. Apparently, though, she was drawing BIG crowds for her book signings:
Oh, wait, that's video of her during McCain's presidential campaign last year. Yup, look at those crowds. Anyway, here's what Jon Stewart had to say about the book:
| The Daily Show With Jon Stewart | Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c | |||
| Daily Show: The Rogue Warrior | ||||
| ||||
(By the way, wait until you see the reception Stewart gave Lou Dobbs in the same show...that's coming up...)
My thoughts: Wait, Fox News has a contributor named PETER JOHNSON...JUNIOR??? That's hilarious! That's what I call my...wait, never mind.
Speaking of Fox News and onions, Suzanne Sena anchored for Fox News between 2006 and 2008, but now, her job is to INTENTIONALLY sound like an idiot as Ana Gentry:
Hey, were you waiting to catch a morning flight this week...and waited...and waited? Turns out there was a computer error with the FAA that kept hundreds of flights on the ground. That's right, a COMPUTER ERROR did what it took FOUR CRASHED FLIGHTS and A BUNCH OF TERRORISTS to do in 2001: GROUNDED FLIGHTS! Seriously, fuck terrorists...we can screw ourselves over just as easily. That reminds me...they just upgraded my computer system at work. Hope THAT doesn't cra*
*ofabitch Glenn Beck is just waiting to push that RED BUTTON next week! You wait...you'll see I'm right. Tell your friends.
Hey, here's something I want you to watch now or come back to later and watch. Jon Stewart had Lou Dobbs, formerly of CNN, on The Daily Show this week to talk about Dobbs leaving CNN and whether it had anything to do with his anti-immigration talk or suggestions that President Obama wasn't even born in this country. As always, I love Jon Stewart (it's in 2 parts):
| The Daily Show With Jon Stewart | Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c | |||
| Exclusive - Lou Dobbs Extended Interview Pt. 1 | ||||
| ||||
| The Daily Show With Jon Stewart | Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c | |||
| Exclusive - Lou Dobbs Extended Interview Pt. 2 | ||||
| ||||
Hey, you like music? You like going to concerts where the performers shout the name of your city/state/ethnic group? Yeah, so did the people watching Bruce Springsteen last week. Keep in mind, he's performing at the Palace of Auburn Hills in MICHIGAN:
Eventually, one of his bandmembers whispered in his ear that they were performing in Michigan. Springsteen said "Oh, I'm sorry you guys! I probably would've kept on saying OHIO all night if not for the members of the F-STREET BAND! Let's give 'em a hand!"
Finally, having trouble relating to teens? Then let Taylor Swift do it for you. She's putting out a line of GREETING CARDS through American Greetings. I have a couple hear that she sent out for early promotions...
"Hope you enjoy your beautiful wedding day. (open to inside) Let's hope you didn't invite Kanye."
"Happy birthday, girlfriend! Boys can never OWN US! (open to inside) Especially those sonsabitches you break up with you on your cell phone who you thought were cute but now you just can't stand because they're performing with their stupid brothers who you THOUGHT were on your side, but they're just a bunch of bastards, just like every man named JONAS."
Huh...I wish she would just open up and talk about her feelings...
Happy Thanksgiving!
-B-
Sunday, November 15, 2009
I Blow'd Up Them Terrorists Good
Glad you could be with me for this installment of Thinking Hard. I'm also glad I could tear myself away from the video game that shattered sales records this week, Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2. Here's the premise: you kill terrorists and save the world. You kill terrorists from a gun turret in Afghanistan. You kill terrorists on the rooftops of the slums of Rio de Janeiro (hey, I can see Olympic stadium from here!), and you kill terrorists while in a high-speed SNOWMOBILE CHASE. Also, there's apparently some level that the media doesn't like whereyouplayasaterroristandkilldozensofinnocentsatanairport... Wait, WHAT??? You play AS A TERRORIST??? You play AS A soldier-from-America-who's-undercover-with-a-bunch-of-russian-terrorists-in-an-effort-to-stop-an-even-larger-scale-attack TERRORIST??? That's SO UN-AMERICAN!! I mean, it's not like it's a quick level that ends with that particular character being shot in the head by the russians who already know he's undercover...in a level players can choose to SKIP altogether. Oh, wait, yes it is. But hey, I'm not going to complain about the media. The more bitching they do, the more hype and the more game sales. Remember all the hubbub of "hey, you can't smack a hooker around after you've had your way with her just to get your money back" from Grand Theft Auto 3? Yeah, that didn't stop the following FIVE SEQUELS from being some of the biggest-selling games of all time. I wonder if they asked Eliot "Stop Calling Me 'Swallow'" Spitzer for HIS thoughts on the game.
While we're talking about the media, let me extend a hearty congratulations to CNN's Lou Dobbs, who announced this week his immediate departure from his prime-time program to "pursue other interests." Wow, with all of his anti-immigrant, anti-Obama talk on his program, I can't IMAGINE what cable network he'll show up on next. Wait, what's this? I shit you not...he's going on O'Reilly's show Monday night. Maybe there'll be a spot for him on ANOTHER Fox talk show that could easily be renamed "Glenn and Scary's." Maybe they'll consider putting out ice cream flavors. Probably all vanilla.
More on Fox in a moment, but former beauty pageant whore and current MEDIA whore Carrie Prejean is doing a talk show circuit for her new autobiography (isn't she, like, 20???). But it's been overshadowed by talk that the reason she dropped her lawsuit against the folks at the Miss California pageant is that they had a sex tape on her! Y'know, there are some sex tapes I just don't care to see (like Tommy Lee's junk just to see Pam Anderson naked), but in this case, I could make an exception. Miss Prejean told NBC's Meredith Viera that she didn't need to "phone a friend"...the "sex tape" is a SOLO act she made for her boyfriend at the time. (cue the song "All By Myself") She didn't have a problem answering THAT question, but for some reason, she thought THIS was inappropriate:
That's only slightly less awkward television than that time she talked about "opposite marriage"...and that South Carolina chick talking about giving maps to children in South Africa or WHATEVER the fuck that chick was talking about. Or MTV doing a reality series on the guidos at the beaches of New Jersey. I WISH I was kidding. Or the announcement this week of a NEW "Charlie's Angels" coming to television. The creators say it will be for the "new generation of viewers who also remember the original from the late 1970s." You'll have to pardon me...I think my brain just ruptured.
While we're talking about shoddy television, there was a little problem with a story on Fox News this week. Can you spot it before Jon Stewart points it out?:
I wonder how Fox responded to that...
A high school in Massachusetts this week banned ANOTHER 4-letter word...Meep. Yes, meep. The thing that Beaker from The Muppet Show always says. Meep. Students apparently used Facebook to set up a disruption in classes using the word. Now, to recap: students said "Meep" so much in class, the school banned the word. Are you meeping kidding me?
Speaking of people with too much free time, apparently vaccuming with a Roomba is too easy and not exciting enough, so a group of guys did THIS:
You'd have to be on drugs to do that...or want some drugs really bad. Like the guy in Bessemer City, North Carolina, who's accused of trading his mother's silver Honda Accord for SIXTY DOLLARS worth of crack cocaine. $60! For a Honda Accord! Apparently the government started a new program called "Cash for Crunkers."
And let's wrap this up like we started it...with a very special look at video games:
That's surveillance video of a cab robbery in New York on Halloween night. Police say the victim survived the attack and could only tell them they were "looking for the best mushrooms" and "arguing about why the guy in the red was always the one who got to nail the 'princess.'"
Meep off.
-B-
While we're talking about the media, let me extend a hearty congratulations to CNN's Lou Dobbs, who announced this week his immediate departure from his prime-time program to "pursue other interests." Wow, with all of his anti-immigrant, anti-Obama talk on his program, I can't IMAGINE what cable network he'll show up on next. Wait, what's this? I shit you not...he's going on O'Reilly's show Monday night. Maybe there'll be a spot for him on ANOTHER Fox talk show that could easily be renamed "Glenn and Scary's." Maybe they'll consider putting out ice cream flavors. Probably all vanilla.
More on Fox in a moment, but former beauty pageant whore and current MEDIA whore Carrie Prejean is doing a talk show circuit for her new autobiography (isn't she, like, 20???). But it's been overshadowed by talk that the reason she dropped her lawsuit against the folks at the Miss California pageant is that they had a sex tape on her! Y'know, there are some sex tapes I just don't care to see (like Tommy Lee's junk just to see Pam Anderson naked), but in this case, I could make an exception. Miss Prejean told NBC's Meredith Viera that she didn't need to "phone a friend"...the "sex tape" is a SOLO act she made for her boyfriend at the time. (cue the song "All By Myself") She didn't have a problem answering THAT question, but for some reason, she thought THIS was inappropriate:
That's only slightly less awkward television than that time she talked about "opposite marriage"...and that South Carolina chick talking about giving maps to children in South Africa or WHATEVER the fuck that chick was talking about. Or MTV doing a reality series on the guidos at the beaches of New Jersey. I WISH I was kidding. Or the announcement this week of a NEW "Charlie's Angels" coming to television. The creators say it will be for the "new generation of viewers who also remember the original from the late 1970s." You'll have to pardon me...I think my brain just ruptured.
While we're talking about shoddy television, there was a little problem with a story on Fox News this week. Can you spot it before Jon Stewart points it out?:
| The Daily Show With Jon Stewart | Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c | |||
| Sean Hannity Uses Glenn Beck's Protest Footage | ||||
| ||||
I wonder how Fox responded to that...
| The Daily Show With Jon Stewart | Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c | |||
| Sean Hannity Apologizes to Jon | ||||
| ||||
A high school in Massachusetts this week banned ANOTHER 4-letter word...Meep. Yes, meep. The thing that Beaker from The Muppet Show always says. Meep. Students apparently used Facebook to set up a disruption in classes using the word. Now, to recap: students said "Meep" so much in class, the school banned the word. Are you meeping kidding me?
Speaking of people with too much free time, apparently vaccuming with a Roomba is too easy and not exciting enough, so a group of guys did THIS:
You'd have to be on drugs to do that...or want some drugs really bad. Like the guy in Bessemer City, North Carolina, who's accused of trading his mother's silver Honda Accord for SIXTY DOLLARS worth of crack cocaine. $60! For a Honda Accord! Apparently the government started a new program called "Cash for Crunkers."
And let's wrap this up like we started it...with a very special look at video games:
That's surveillance video of a cab robbery in New York on Halloween night. Police say the victim survived the attack and could only tell them they were "looking for the best mushrooms" and "arguing about why the guy in the red was always the one who got to nail the 'princess.'"
Meep off.
-B-
Saturday, November 7, 2009
Thinking Hard with Jebediah and The Piglet
(Wait...I think that makes ME The Piglet...ah, well, if the curly tail fits...)
Y'know, if there's one thing I heard from TH fans over the last week, it's this: "Wait, Bruce Willis is DEAD?!" Yes, apparently I should have offered more of a set-up to last week's "movie ending spoiler trivia challenge" than just starting the blog with "1. Bruce Willis is dead." Although, to be fair, isn't his career basically being lowered into the grave at this point? I mean, is "The Surrogates" even still PLAYING in a theater? So, I tossed out an easy one and a couple that were slightly more obscure. The last one was more for literature buffs in honor of Halloween:
1. Bruce Willis is dead - "The Sixth Sense"
2. The chick's a dude - "The Crying Game"
3. The killer's an orangutan - "Murders in the Rue Morgue" by Edgar Allen Poe, and yes, it was turned into a movie with Jason Robards in the 1970s...you'd really have to be more familiar with the story itself than the existence of the movie.
Okay, so no more quizes. Instead, just another installment of the weird and unnecessary news of the week. Like this: ABC is doing ANOTHER celebrity dance show, where the celebs will re-enact famous dance routines. It'll be hosted by HUGE STAR Kathy Griffin. Gosh, with all of the big names already dancing on "Dancing with the Stars," I hope they can find other stars who are desperate enough for crack mone...I mean, BUSY CELEBRITIES who can spare their time to entertain ABC's viewers. I mean, it's a huge enough coup that ABC could pull Kathy Griffin from the D-List to host such an interesting prospect. I hear they're going to call it "So You Think Your Career Can't Sink Any Lower."
In other unnecessary reality show news, Kirstie Alley, perhaps known best for her role in "Cheers" and eating half of Cleveland, is getting her own reality series on A&E (soon to be known as the "Awkward & Extremely-hard-on-the-eyes Network"). The series will be about her being a single mom, raising a teenage boy and girl, and trying to lose weight. Apparently she's getting ready to give birth to another teenager. Maybe if they adapt it to an NPR audio program, they can call it "Weight, weight, don't eat me."
For those of you who STILL aren't on the Snuggie bandwagon (seriously, what's WRONG with you people?) AND who miss musicians that haven't put anything good out since the late 1990s, have I got a deal for you! The band Weezer is offering its new album "Raditude" (which is as socially relevant now as it was ten years ago) with a SNUGGIE! Yes, you can pay $30 for a snuggie...and some CD you assume your grandchildren will enjoy...or pay $50 for a deluxe "zebra-print" snuggie and get a free "deluxe-edition" CD that doubles as a paint-scraper. Operators are standing by.
Speaking of operators, there's apparently some health care bill that's popular in Washington, DC, this weekend. Something about me being put before a firing squad called a "public option"...I'm not really following it. Fortunately, The Daily Show is:
I don't get the Mark Foley joke. Can anyone...yes, you?...uh-huh...and he put the WHAT WHERE?...but how does that then...ohhhhhhh...ew.
And one more tidbit of unnecessary news this week, the geeks are revolting! Apparently, their hands are too covered in baby oil to properly steer their cars (don't judge), so they think you should use an IPHONE to drive it...from FOUR INCHES away (which, after all, is the same length that got them in trouble in the first place)! Yes, it worked for James Bond...now you TOO can operate a car from the backseat:
I bet that SUCKS when AT&T's service drops out..
-B-
Y'know, if there's one thing I heard from TH fans over the last week, it's this: "Wait, Bruce Willis is DEAD?!" Yes, apparently I should have offered more of a set-up to last week's "movie ending spoiler trivia challenge" than just starting the blog with "1. Bruce Willis is dead." Although, to be fair, isn't his career basically being lowered into the grave at this point? I mean, is "The Surrogates" even still PLAYING in a theater? So, I tossed out an easy one and a couple that were slightly more obscure. The last one was more for literature buffs in honor of Halloween:
1. Bruce Willis is dead - "The Sixth Sense"
2. The chick's a dude - "The Crying Game"
3. The killer's an orangutan - "Murders in the Rue Morgue" by Edgar Allen Poe, and yes, it was turned into a movie with Jason Robards in the 1970s...you'd really have to be more familiar with the story itself than the existence of the movie.
Okay, so no more quizes. Instead, just another installment of the weird and unnecessary news of the week. Like this: ABC is doing ANOTHER celebrity dance show, where the celebs will re-enact famous dance routines. It'll be hosted by HUGE STAR Kathy Griffin. Gosh, with all of the big names already dancing on "Dancing with the Stars," I hope they can find other stars who are desperate enough for crack mone...I mean, BUSY CELEBRITIES who can spare their time to entertain ABC's viewers. I mean, it's a huge enough coup that ABC could pull Kathy Griffin from the D-List to host such an interesting prospect. I hear they're going to call it "So You Think Your Career Can't Sink Any Lower."
In other unnecessary reality show news, Kirstie Alley, perhaps known best for her role in "Cheers" and eating half of Cleveland, is getting her own reality series on A&E (soon to be known as the "Awkward & Extremely-hard-on-the-eyes Network"). The series will be about her being a single mom, raising a teenage boy and girl, and trying to lose weight. Apparently she's getting ready to give birth to another teenager. Maybe if they adapt it to an NPR audio program, they can call it "Weight, weight, don't eat me."
For those of you who STILL aren't on the Snuggie bandwagon (seriously, what's WRONG with you people?) AND who miss musicians that haven't put anything good out since the late 1990s, have I got a deal for you! The band Weezer is offering its new album "Raditude" (which is as socially relevant now as it was ten years ago) with a SNUGGIE! Yes, you can pay $30 for a snuggie...and some CD you assume your grandchildren will enjoy...or pay $50 for a deluxe "zebra-print" snuggie and get a free "deluxe-edition" CD that doubles as a paint-scraper. Operators are standing by.
Speaking of operators, there's apparently some health care bill that's popular in Washington, DC, this weekend. Something about me being put before a firing squad called a "public option"...I'm not really following it. Fortunately, The Daily Show is:
| The Daily Show With Jon Stewart | Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c | |||
| Health Care: Bigger, Longer and Uncut | ||||
| ||||
I don't get the Mark Foley joke. Can anyone...yes, you?...uh-huh...and he put the WHAT WHERE?...but how does that then...ohhhhhhh...ew.
And one more tidbit of unnecessary news this week, the geeks are revolting! Apparently, their hands are too covered in baby oil to properly steer their cars (don't judge), so they think you should use an IPHONE to drive it...from FOUR INCHES away (which, after all, is the same length that got them in trouble in the first place)! Yes, it worked for James Bond...now you TOO can operate a car from the backseat:
I bet that SUCKS when AT&T's service drops out..
-B-
Sunday, November 1, 2009
Spoiler Alert!
1. Bruce Willis is dead.
2. The woman is actually a man.
3. The killer is an orangutan.
(It's like a Jeopardy category...I tell you the ending of a movie, you tell me which movie. A little Halloween fun for the Comments section. Hint: #3 is also a classic piece of literature.)
Hey, welcome to the post-Halloween festivities. I'm just cleaning up the candy corn and vodka, but thought you might want a little something to quell your hangover. Also, stick around for the end of the show, when I'll show you something I can almost GUARANTEE you've never seen before.
First, you KNOW I can't resist a little jab at Fox News...or a 10-minute long jab at Fox News by The Daily Show:
Now, to be ENTIRELY fair, there are at least SOME occasions on Fox News when the anchors realize things could be better:
And to be MORE fair and balanced, there are days when the crew over at MSNBC could be doing just a little better:
Hey, time for a commercial break...you know, we have a Sham-wow, we have a Slap-Chop, we even have a Snuggie, but you know what we're missing? A workout device that promotes masturbation:
"No longer will you have those embarrassing situations where your right arm is more muscular than your left...now you can get the same, c*ck-grabbing workout in BOTH arms...without that uncomfortable 'Wait, what do I do with THIS hand' feeling." I'm considering failed names for the Shake Weight...perhaps the Nordic-Jack?
Okay, now for the thing you've probably NEVER seen. A German company (keep in mind, this is something that REALLY happened) SOMEHOW got little advertising flags on FLIES (a la the banners that are attached to the back of small airplanes that ask "Linda, well yu murry meh?"...next time, pay for the extra spell-check) and released about TWO-HUNDRED of them at a convention. You HAVE to see this:
I haven't decided with advertising technique is more annoying...the flies, or the people who show up at my door to spend 45 minutes asking me if I've found God. Can't decide...I kinda want to smack them both.
-B-
2. The woman is actually a man.
3. The killer is an orangutan.
(It's like a Jeopardy category...I tell you the ending of a movie, you tell me which movie. A little Halloween fun for the Comments section. Hint: #3 is also a classic piece of literature.)
Hey, welcome to the post-Halloween festivities. I'm just cleaning up the candy corn and vodka, but thought you might want a little something to quell your hangover. Also, stick around for the end of the show, when I'll show you something I can almost GUARANTEE you've never seen before.
First, you KNOW I can't resist a little jab at Fox News...or a 10-minute long jab at Fox News by The Daily Show:
| The Daily Show With Jon Stewart | Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c | |||
| For Fox Sake! | ||||
| ||||
Now, to be ENTIRELY fair, there are at least SOME occasions on Fox News when the anchors realize things could be better:
And to be MORE fair and balanced, there are days when the crew over at MSNBC could be doing just a little better:
Hey, time for a commercial break...you know, we have a Sham-wow, we have a Slap-Chop, we even have a Snuggie, but you know what we're missing? A workout device that promotes masturbation:
"No longer will you have those embarrassing situations where your right arm is more muscular than your left...now you can get the same, c*ck-grabbing workout in BOTH arms...without that uncomfortable 'Wait, what do I do with THIS hand' feeling." I'm considering failed names for the Shake Weight...perhaps the Nordic-Jack?
Okay, now for the thing you've probably NEVER seen. A German company (keep in mind, this is something that REALLY happened) SOMEHOW got little advertising flags on FLIES (a la the banners that are attached to the back of small airplanes that ask "Linda, well yu murry meh?"...next time, pay for the extra spell-check) and released about TWO-HUNDRED of them at a convention. You HAVE to see this:
I haven't decided with advertising technique is more annoying...the flies, or the people who show up at my door to spend 45 minutes asking me if I've found God. Can't decide...I kinda want to smack them both.
-B-
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