Oh, Sure, Play The Race Card

Welcome to the BLACK Friday edition of Thinking Hard (posted two days after the fact). We here at TH know it can be difficult finding that unique gift for that special someone, so we put together a small Holiday Gift Guide to help you:

For the person with eyes as big as their stomach...but not as big as their mouth:
Might I suggest HAM? Oh, but don't toss it directly at their mouth...especially if they're looking away:



She might require nasal surgery! Did you hear how she was talking after she was hit??? She had this high-pitched southern...wait, sorry, what?...that's how she NORMALLY talks?...and they gave her a TV SHOW?...huh. To be fair, she probably would have caught the ham in her mouth, but she likes to put about 13 sticks of butter on her ham first (a baker's dozen).

For the person who seems to have everything, except a TV show:
How about a ticket to the State Dinner at the White House? In fact, just show up. You don't even have to be on the guest list. Like that couple trying to get on the new Bravo show "The Real Housewives of D.C." (side note: SERIOUSLY, BRAVO???) Now they're shopping their "first broadcast interview" to all the major networks...first one to pay 6-figures gets the interview. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME??? They didn't pay $100,000+ to hear what the PRESIDENT had to say...

Not a big fan of politics? Then can I suggest a trip to New Jersey, where MTV is getting ready for their new "Jersey Shore" show...wait, I'm just getting word that a group of italian-americans wants the show OFF the air before it even premieres! Yes, the group says the show relies on crude stereotypes of italians cursing and committing violent acts. Seriously...do they WATCH "The Real World"? Apparently not: the group accuses MTV of putting on "trash television." Do they just not have CABLE?

For the alcoholic named Uncle Rick:
A New York City tavern has cooked up the nation's first 100-proof turkey! The owner infused with fruit-flavored and 100-proof Georgi vodka for three days before cooking it. Sure, you say, the alcohol would burn off. But wait: there's vodka in the gravy too! Fuck tryptophan...I want to pass out DRUNK from my turkey!

For the Fox News employee in your family:
How about a memo from corporate saying "STOP FUCKING IT UP!" Yes, after the well-documented (especially here) video-editing blunders as of late on Fox News, corporate sent a memo to its employees saying it will now be under a "zero tolerance" policy for on-air errors. You make an error or you're part of the error chain, you get a write-up, possible suspension and maybe even FIRED. In an unrelated note, Jon Stewart announced "The Daily Show" will now be shortened to ten minutes.

Finally, for the FABULOUS people you know:
Tickets to an Adam Lambert concert. They'll apparently LOVE it, especially after he kissed a male dancer during a performance at the American Music Awards. ABC got about 1,500 complaint calls (1,499 from upset parents...and 1 from a guy calling from prison who complained the performance wasn't long enough and could an operator breathe heavily into the phone for about 2 more minutes), so Good Morning America cancelled a performance by Lambert. Maybe they were also worried about the point where he grinded (ground?) his crotch into a male dancer's face onstage. You know we've come full circle when this blog both starts AND ends with someone taking pork in the face.

-B-