This installment of Thinking Hard is all about a couple of presents from us at TH to you. I know, I know...don't thank us now. You can just send us a "late Christmas present" in cash.
If this is your first visit to TH, welcome. I encourage you to check out the entire year's worth of blogs (probably about 50 or so) because they're usually pretty entertaining. Sometimes. Okay, once in a while. But those of you who have stuck with the blog through the whole year know we strive to bring you some of the better video on the interwebs that you generally might not see anywhere else. No, no Miley Cyrus twerking here. Fuck that shit. No, you get local news fuck-ups, like the anchor who started his very first broadcast at his new station with the words "Fucking shit." Yes it's been a glorious year FULL of news bloopers...some of them seen here, others we might have missed. The researchers responsible for those have been fired. Twice. So, here it is, a year in review of some of the best news bloopers of 2013...
Y'know, one of the best things about working in TV news is being able to work in the station in onesie pajamas. I know, I know, they might seem passé, but they're making a comeback. Don't believe me? Check out this North Carolina guy's holiday greeting video.
Hey, there was a big UFC title fight last night. Had to be stopped because one competitor BROKE HIS SHIN during the fight! And I mean BROKE it. Like it bent 90 degrees against the other dude's leg. If you have a weak stomach, you might want to skip this video. If not, check this shit out...
It reminds me of a wrestling pay-per-view many years ago (late 90's-early 2000's) when one guy was just jumping off the top rope, landed funny, and his leg broke on pay-per-view! It was crazy! Here, take a look...
And now it's time for a little reflection. 2013 has been a very interesting year. Nominated for an Emmy...didn't win. Tried to get a new job...didn't succeed. Reconnected with a very dear friend of mine...that's probably one thing that went right for me over the year. It just goes to show you that no matter what you plan going into the new year, it never quite works out how you expect. Sometimes it's better, sometimes it's worse. But it's how we deal with those changes that shapes who we are on the inside. Makes us stronger in some cases. I think I was empowered by a line spoken by British actor Matt Smith: "Today's the day you save the world." Damn right it is. And with that, it's time to turn to a holiday classic. The holiday classic that didn't air on my local TV station, forcing me to work on Christmas morning. Yes, it's time for the Yule Log. You know the video...it shows for hours on TV stations and is literally JUST video of a fire burning in a fireplace. Usually it's accompanied by Christmas songs. This year, things are a little different. This year, it's got a cat with asthma called Lil Bub (cute as can be...and his tongue sticks out because he's missing teeth). If you need an hour of joy, this is it. Especially early on in the clip when it looks like he looks at the fire, then off-camera as if to say "Um, you guys know there's a FIRE back there, right??? Shouldn't someone be doing something about that???" So, I leave you with a Lil Bub Yule Log and the best wishes for a 2014 that is all that you hope for...and never more than you can handle. Peace to you all.
-B-
Sunday, December 29, 2013
Wednesday, December 25, 2013
Have Yourself A Melee Little Christmas
Seriously, Kentucky shoppers??? You gotta be all fighting THE DAY BEFORE CHRISTMAS??? That's like an automatic FIVE pieces of coal in your stocking...for the next ten years!
Hey, welcome to your Christmas present...a mid-week Thinking Hard. Merry Christmas to those who celebrate it, Happy Hanukkah to those who celebrate it, Happy Kwanzaa to those who celebrate it, and Happy Celebration Of Liberal-Bashing to those at Fox News who quietly celebrate it. They'd send their own greetings, but they're off fighting the war on Christmas.
Hey, wanna know what gets a news anchor FIRED from a station in Wichita, Kansas? On a Saturday night? And keeps him from getting ANOTHER JOB he had lined up? It's the last 6 words (7 if you like "outta" is better as "out of") in this clip...
Perhaps when he said "Let's get the fuck outta here," he meant "my career in news." Poor guy. Lesson #1 in news...if you have a microphone on, ALWAYS assume that it is turned on.
However, there were some other embarrassing moments in local news in the last couple of weeks. Take this brilliant blonde killjoy from a station in Raleigh. Perhaps she should have called out "SPOILER ALERT!"...
Is that meteorologist going for her jugular??? Awesome! Santa approves! But that's not all. How about we all just air the same script that comes to us from CNN, ABC, CBS, NBC or Fox? All around the nation? That way no one misses out!
Hey, lazy producers, it's okay if you go fuck yourselves too. Santa does NOT approve! And then there's the tweet sent out by the sports director of a station in Oklahoma City. It read “Happy we are the melting pot. Will be happier …if ppl who pour into our pot & sell me fuel & Milk Duds find time to learn our language.” I'm betting someone's gonna find Milk Duds in his fuel. More coal! Santa disapproval!
DUCK! Perhaps you heard about Phil Robertson of Duck Dynasty "fame" speaking about why he thinks gays are just wrong. He told GQ magazine (also, a quick "fuck you" to GQ magazine for thinking Robertson should be interviewed. What, George Zimmerman too busy? Santa does NOT approve in principle!) "It seems like, to me, a vagina -- as a man -- would be more desirable than a man's anus. That's just me. I'm just thinking: There's more there! She's got more to offer. I mean, come on, dudes! You know what I'm saying? But hey, sin: It's not logical, my man. It's just not logical." I believe by "more to offer," he meant in hillbilly-ese that "she can cook in the kitchen and clean clothes and birth babies all day." I wonder how he feels about a WOMAN'S anus. Maybe he thinks it smells like roses? Anyway, A&E thought enough to boot him from the show. Well, A&E, you're halfway there...now about the SHOW...
Finally, there's the Bloomberg (that's the money reporting folks) TV anchor who thought it would be interesting to give his co-anchors $20 in "bitcoin" last week. For those of you who aren't following it, bitcoin is the latest virtual currency that's starting to be used to buy stuff online and in actual stores and restaurants. A QR code is used to access the money. Which is why some greedy folks IMMEDIATELY jumped on their smartphones when the anchor SHOWED THE QR CODE ON TV!!! It's amazing how quickly 20 bucks can disappear into the interwebs. Seriously dude. That's like putting your credit card number AND security code on TV. I mean, I guess I could understand how you could make that mistake...IF YOU DIDN'T WORK AT BLOOMBERG!!! Santa disapproves HEAVILY!...but appreciates the 20 bucks.
Hey, thanks for coming back for this Christmas edition of Thinking Hard. I hope you and your loved ones are well and stay that way this holiday season. Cheers!
-B-
Hey, welcome to your Christmas present...a mid-week Thinking Hard. Merry Christmas to those who celebrate it, Happy Hanukkah to those who celebrate it, Happy Kwanzaa to those who celebrate it, and Happy Celebration Of Liberal-Bashing to those at Fox News who quietly celebrate it. They'd send their own greetings, but they're off fighting the war on Christmas.
Hey, wanna know what gets a news anchor FIRED from a station in Wichita, Kansas? On a Saturday night? And keeps him from getting ANOTHER JOB he had lined up? It's the last 6 words (7 if you like "outta" is better as "out of") in this clip...
Perhaps when he said "Let's get the fuck outta here," he meant "my career in news." Poor guy. Lesson #1 in news...if you have a microphone on, ALWAYS assume that it is turned on.
However, there were some other embarrassing moments in local news in the last couple of weeks. Take this brilliant blonde killjoy from a station in Raleigh. Perhaps she should have called out "SPOILER ALERT!"...
Is that meteorologist going for her jugular??? Awesome! Santa approves! But that's not all. How about we all just air the same script that comes to us from CNN, ABC, CBS, NBC or Fox? All around the nation? That way no one misses out!
Hey, lazy producers, it's okay if you go fuck yourselves too. Santa does NOT approve! And then there's the tweet sent out by the sports director of a station in Oklahoma City. It read “Happy we are the melting pot. Will be happier …if ppl who pour into our pot & sell me fuel & Milk Duds find time to learn our language.” I'm betting someone's gonna find Milk Duds in his fuel. More coal! Santa disapproval!
DUCK! Perhaps you heard about Phil Robertson of Duck Dynasty "fame" speaking about why he thinks gays are just wrong. He told GQ magazine (also, a quick "fuck you" to GQ magazine for thinking Robertson should be interviewed. What, George Zimmerman too busy? Santa does NOT approve in principle!) "It seems like, to me, a vagina -- as a man -- would be more desirable than a man's anus. That's just me. I'm just thinking: There's more there! She's got more to offer. I mean, come on, dudes! You know what I'm saying? But hey, sin: It's not logical, my man. It's just not logical." I believe by "more to offer," he meant in hillbilly-ese that "she can cook in the kitchen and clean clothes and birth babies all day." I wonder how he feels about a WOMAN'S anus. Maybe he thinks it smells like roses? Anyway, A&E thought enough to boot him from the show. Well, A&E, you're halfway there...now about the SHOW...
Finally, there's the Bloomberg (that's the money reporting folks) TV anchor who thought it would be interesting to give his co-anchors $20 in "bitcoin" last week. For those of you who aren't following it, bitcoin is the latest virtual currency that's starting to be used to buy stuff online and in actual stores and restaurants. A QR code is used to access the money. Which is why some greedy folks IMMEDIATELY jumped on their smartphones when the anchor SHOWED THE QR CODE ON TV!!! It's amazing how quickly 20 bucks can disappear into the interwebs. Seriously dude. That's like putting your credit card number AND security code on TV. I mean, I guess I could understand how you could make that mistake...IF YOU DIDN'T WORK AT BLOOMBERG!!! Santa disapproves HEAVILY!...but appreciates the 20 bucks.
Hey, thanks for coming back for this Christmas edition of Thinking Hard. I hope you and your loved ones are well and stay that way this holiday season. Cheers!
-B-
Sunday, December 8, 2013
For Nelson Mandela
Actually, to be honest, I know Mr. Mandela never read Thinking Hard when he was alive, so all I can really do to pay tribute to him is be my usual funny and snarky self. This one's for you, Nel-Man. (that's what I always called him in my letters to him...can't imagine why he never wrote back). Actually, let's do this memoriam right, and for that, I go to a news station in Detroit. Of COURSE it's Detroit:
Did you look closely at the picture of "Mandela" in the bottom left hand corner? I knew it! Mandela's been roiding and A-Rod has been masquerading as a peaceful world leader! J'accuse!
By the way, did you know it's getting colder? Ice on the roads? Snow falling from the sky? Hey, here's a tip from a local news station in Minneapolis...don't become the lead story:
Having grown up in Iowa, Midwest roads during the winter weather season are not fun to experience. To WATCH, yes. To EXPERIENCE, no.
Well that's all the brevity I have for this week. Hey, next weekend I'm taking my annual Christmas trip to Chicago to see the family. As always, I'll try to blog while I'm gone, but I make no promises. I might be out for two weekends, but keep checking back. If I don't blog at you before Christmas, have the happiest of holidays and do NOT give out the fruit cake. The fruit cake is a bullshit present for people that you don't know how to shop for...at which point, they'd really rather have a gift card.
-B-
Did you look closely at the picture of "Mandela" in the bottom left hand corner? I knew it! Mandela's been roiding and A-Rod has been masquerading as a peaceful world leader! J'accuse!
By the way, did you know it's getting colder? Ice on the roads? Snow falling from the sky? Hey, here's a tip from a local news station in Minneapolis...don't become the lead story:
Having grown up in Iowa, Midwest roads during the winter weather season are not fun to experience. To WATCH, yes. To EXPERIENCE, no.
Well that's all the brevity I have for this week. Hey, next weekend I'm taking my annual Christmas trip to Chicago to see the family. As always, I'll try to blog while I'm gone, but I make no promises. I might be out for two weekends, but keep checking back. If I don't blog at you before Christmas, have the happiest of holidays and do NOT give out the fruit cake. The fruit cake is a bullshit present for people that you don't know how to shop for...at which point, they'd really rather have a gift card.
-B-
Friday, November 29, 2013
Dear Mr. Baldwin, Would You Like To Work For Thinking Hard?
I know, I'm late or early, depending on how you want to view it. It's the holidays. I'm full of tryptophan. And I can't understand why all of my snow-covered patio furniture pictures aren't making it on my local TV station...
Yeah, people, fuck you. If we as local TV stations are gonna put out the request for your shitty-ass pictures, the least you can do is have the common decency not to be a lazy fucking ho-bag and go OUTSIDE and take pictures of your crappy patio furniture. Because, y'know, we just don't have time to take shitty-ass pictures of snow outside. Hey, we only have a couple of cameras and people barely competent enough to use them...what are we, miracle workers?
Hey it's Black Friday. On the competition this morning, viewers saw shoppers clamoring to get into a local mall. On our station, video from the same local mall showed...a couple people here, a couple people there, just casually wandering in. I wonder if we missed anything.
I don't really have anything else besides Alec Baldwin getting tossed from MSNBC. When the network announced he was getting his own talk show after all of the bad publicity he'd been getting for going after the paparazzi, I really wondered if it was just a ratings stunt. And now he's gone. So I imagine we'll see him with his own podcast or online talk show. Maybe MSNBC could book Stephen...he seems like less of a troublemaker. Also, my 15-years-ago self just had an aneurysm at that statement.
-B-
Yeah, people, fuck you. If we as local TV stations are gonna put out the request for your shitty-ass pictures, the least you can do is have the common decency not to be a lazy fucking ho-bag and go OUTSIDE and take pictures of your crappy patio furniture. Because, y'know, we just don't have time to take shitty-ass pictures of snow outside. Hey, we only have a couple of cameras and people barely competent enough to use them...what are we, miracle workers?
Hey it's Black Friday. On the competition this morning, viewers saw shoppers clamoring to get into a local mall. On our station, video from the same local mall showed...a couple people here, a couple people there, just casually wandering in. I wonder if we missed anything.
I don't really have anything else besides Alec Baldwin getting tossed from MSNBC. When the network announced he was getting his own talk show after all of the bad publicity he'd been getting for going after the paparazzi, I really wondered if it was just a ratings stunt. And now he's gone. So I imagine we'll see him with his own podcast or online talk show. Maybe MSNBC could book Stephen...he seems like less of a troublemaker. Also, my 15-years-ago self just had an aneurysm at that statement.
-B-
Sunday, November 17, 2013
Worse Mayor...Toronto's Rob Ford or Detroit's Kwame Kilpatrick?
At least Kwame didn't get a reality show before he left office and headed for jail.
What's up, peeps? Welcome back to a Sunday edition of Thinking Hard. I was just in Rome, Georgia, last night for an independent wrestling show. Funniest thing I saw? No, it wasn't the midget wrestler standing next to my 6'4" brother-in-law. It was the tag team called "The Movement"...who, for some reason, thought it made sense to put the team name on their ass. I hear they're facing the team of "Colonic Backup" next week.
Hey, didja know it was Rev. Billy Graham's 95th birthday? Didja? DIDJA? I only say it like that because I live in North Carolina where EVERYONE is clamoring to be up the elder Graham's ass. Fox News especially. Donald Trump attended the party. Greta Van Susterenenenenen also spoke. But my favorite part? The fact that the drivers of the buses bringing people to the event clearly aren't looking where they're going...much like other elderly people. Watch this reporter's expression after a bus almost backs into him...
Bus drivers. Psh.
Need something to disturb your brain? Check out this link of adults recreating childhood photos. Adults in diapers ahoy.
Speaking of diapers and poop humor, you might have seen the latest Thor movie that came out last week. The fabled god from the mythical realm of Asgard returns to Earth yadda yadda. Well, a major advertiser posted a great tweet about the movie this week...and simultaneously disappointed me that I didn't think of this first:
OMG! Butt joke FTW! I think I'm gonn-ass-wipe that joke. No?
Finally, let's wrap this on a good note. I don't usually (read: EVER) go for stories like this, but I fell in love with this one. Young kid fighting leukemia makes a wish with the foundation of the same name...and just wants to be Batman. So the city of San Francisco gets a shitload of THOUSANDS of volunteers to make his wish come true. Heck, even BEFORE the exciting day, a media agency set up a Twitter account for "The Penguin" to "taunt" the "Batkid." This is such a special story, even overshadowing the asshole city leader in San Francisco who thought the money would have been better distributed to children on food stamps. You know what dude? Batman's gonna throw a batarang into your eye and then fuck your sister. Dick. Anyway, check this out...
Kinda brings a tear to my eye to watch a city come together like that. I can think of a lot of other cities who can learn from that.
-B-
What's up, peeps? Welcome back to a Sunday edition of Thinking Hard. I was just in Rome, Georgia, last night for an independent wrestling show. Funniest thing I saw? No, it wasn't the midget wrestler standing next to my 6'4" brother-in-law. It was the tag team called "The Movement"...who, for some reason, thought it made sense to put the team name on their ass. I hear they're facing the team of "Colonic Backup" next week.
Hey, didja know it was Rev. Billy Graham's 95th birthday? Didja? DIDJA? I only say it like that because I live in North Carolina where EVERYONE is clamoring to be up the elder Graham's ass. Fox News especially. Donald Trump attended the party. Greta Van Susterenenenenen also spoke. But my favorite part? The fact that the drivers of the buses bringing people to the event clearly aren't looking where they're going...much like other elderly people. Watch this reporter's expression after a bus almost backs into him...
Bus drivers. Psh.
Need something to disturb your brain? Check out this link of adults recreating childhood photos. Adults in diapers ahoy.
Speaking of diapers and poop humor, you might have seen the latest Thor movie that came out last week. The fabled god from the mythical realm of Asgard returns to Earth yadda yadda. Well, a major advertiser posted a great tweet about the movie this week...and simultaneously disappointed me that I didn't think of this first:
OMG! Butt joke FTW! I think I'm gonn-ass-wipe that joke. No?
Finally, let's wrap this on a good note. I don't usually (read: EVER) go for stories like this, but I fell in love with this one. Young kid fighting leukemia makes a wish with the foundation of the same name...and just wants to be Batman. So the city of San Francisco gets a shitload of THOUSANDS of volunteers to make his wish come true. Heck, even BEFORE the exciting day, a media agency set up a Twitter account for "The Penguin" to "taunt" the "Batkid." This is such a special story, even overshadowing the asshole city leader in San Francisco who thought the money would have been better distributed to children on food stamps. You know what dude? Batman's gonna throw a batarang into your eye and then fuck your sister. Dick. Anyway, check this out...
Kinda brings a tear to my eye to watch a city come together like that. I can think of a lot of other cities who can learn from that.
-B-
Saturday, November 9, 2013
I Know What You're Thinking
...Blaine, where have you been?
...Blaine, why didn't you post a blog last week?
...Blaine, I think my baby is yours. Would you take this paternity test?
Ladies, ladies, ladies...and a couple of gentlemen...allow me to note that I'm still alive and kicking. Just had a long weekend last weekend and it didn't allow for any posting. So here I am, a day early (or 6 days late...your pick), to bring you my hard thoughts of the week...and there aren't many.
First, let me say that I want to run for mayor of Toronto, Canada, but I don't do enough drugs.
Second, I really want to punch someone for THIS idea that apparently was considered "good enough for morning news viewers across the nation"...
Maybe they mean it's a FUCKable conversation? I mean, shit. That's just dumb. I could see if they wanted to walk to a cock. Or a croutch. Or a crotch (see also "cock," but allow the ladies). Or even a conch.
The conch has spoken. But seriously? A commercial to walk to the couch? Shit. My commercial for walking over the couch is a fart. Also, overheard in the newsroom this week: snorefart. Hash-tag that bitch.
Hey, did you hear about the latest issues with Obamacare? Makes me smile...
Let's step away for just a moment to check out this poppin' new video from the band "Virgin Atlantic" called "Safety Video 2." Watch out, One Direction!
Finally today, a quick personal note. Intern Holly is leaving this weekend from the tree-filled hills of North Carolina to the crack-filled hills of Baltimore, Maryland. Holly makes me smile every day and I enjoy her wit, generally positive outlook...and her ability to interpret my incoherent scribbles on Draw Something (we're almost at a 1,000-drawing streak!). So, Holly, it's with a heavy heart that I say I hope you KILL IT in Baltimore and always remember there's a warm place for you to seek shelter here in Charlotte. Happy trails.
That's it, folks. Have a safe week. The countdown to the new Xbox and new Playstation is almost at an end.
-B-
...Blaine, why didn't you post a blog last week?
...Blaine, I think my baby is yours. Would you take this paternity test?
Ladies, ladies, ladies...and a couple of gentlemen...allow me to note that I'm still alive and kicking. Just had a long weekend last weekend and it didn't allow for any posting. So here I am, a day early (or 6 days late...your pick), to bring you my hard thoughts of the week...and there aren't many.
First, let me say that I want to run for mayor of Toronto, Canada, but I don't do enough drugs.
Second, I really want to punch someone for THIS idea that apparently was considered "good enough for morning news viewers across the nation"...
The Daily Show
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Maybe they mean it's a FUCKable conversation? I mean, shit. That's just dumb. I could see if they wanted to walk to a cock. Or a croutch. Or a crotch (see also "cock," but allow the ladies). Or even a conch.
The conch has spoken. But seriously? A commercial to walk to the couch? Shit. My commercial for walking over the couch is a fart. Also, overheard in the newsroom this week: snorefart. Hash-tag that bitch.
Hey, did you hear about the latest issues with Obamacare? Makes me smile...
The Daily Show
Get More: Daily Show Full Episodes,The Daily Show on Facebook
Let's step away for just a moment to check out this poppin' new video from the band "Virgin Atlantic" called "Safety Video 2." Watch out, One Direction!
Finally today, a quick personal note. Intern Holly is leaving this weekend from the tree-filled hills of North Carolina to the crack-filled hills of Baltimore, Maryland. Holly makes me smile every day and I enjoy her wit, generally positive outlook...and her ability to interpret my incoherent scribbles on Draw Something (we're almost at a 1,000-drawing streak!). So, Holly, it's with a heavy heart that I say I hope you KILL IT in Baltimore and always remember there's a warm place for you to seek shelter here in Charlotte. Happy trails.
That's it, folks. Have a safe week. The countdown to the new Xbox and new Playstation is almost at an end.
-B-
Monday, October 28, 2013
Haunted
I find myself haunted this Halloween. Haunted by spirits of the dead. Those whose time has come and gone, yet they simply refuse to stay at rest. For example, this delightful interview with porn star Jenna Jameson. She's had many "strokes" in her film career, but it seemed like she had one on-air during a local TV interview in New York. Lesson: porn stars + live TV = viral video.
New York News
A source told the New York Post that Jameson stumbled into the green room and took a nap after the interview. Her spokesperson said she'd just had a long flight and was tired. Oh THAT explains her face.
I'm also haunted by bad decisions in local news. Tip: CNN provides many local news stations with a news/video feed. That feed often comes with a script that's already written out. Should be easy for producers to copy and paste. But it's a crutch. People should be able to tell the stories in their own voices. Sadly, some people still don't get it...
Actually, let's hit up Conan one more time for a spooky edition of "Clueless Gamer"...
I'm also haunted by idiot drivers. People who should not be on the road AT ALL. NEVER. EVER. AGAIN. So let's go to Atlanta to see who has me frightened this week...
Honestly, the little bit of drool coming out of the driver's mouth gets me every time. I'm not just frightened on the road. I'm haunted at work. I'm scared I'll do something like THIS...
Investing also frightens me, especially with the idiots on Wall Street. And that includes the people COVERING Wall Street on CNBC.
And finally, I'm scared of losing my job. But I'm hoping what causes me to be fired won't be NEARLY as epic as what caused a North Carolina politician HIS job...AFTER this interview.
The thing that could be scariest of all? If I run out of video to show on this blog. BOO! Happy Halloween.
-B-
New York News
A source told the New York Post that Jameson stumbled into the green room and took a nap after the interview. Her spokesperson said she'd just had a long flight and was tired. Oh THAT explains her face.
I'm also haunted by bad decisions in local news. Tip: CNN provides many local news stations with a news/video feed. That feed often comes with a script that's already written out. Should be easy for producers to copy and paste. But it's a crutch. People should be able to tell the stories in their own voices. Sadly, some people still don't get it...
Actually, let's hit up Conan one more time for a spooky edition of "Clueless Gamer"...
I'm also haunted by idiot drivers. People who should not be on the road AT ALL. NEVER. EVER. AGAIN. So let's go to Atlanta to see who has me frightened this week...
Honestly, the little bit of drool coming out of the driver's mouth gets me every time. I'm not just frightened on the road. I'm haunted at work. I'm scared I'll do something like THIS...
Investing also frightens me, especially with the idiots on Wall Street. And that includes the people COVERING Wall Street on CNBC.
The Daily Show
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And finally, I'm scared of losing my job. But I'm hoping what causes me to be fired won't be NEARLY as epic as what caused a North Carolina politician HIS job...AFTER this interview.
The thing that could be scariest of all? If I run out of video to show on this blog. BOO! Happy Halloween.
-B-
Sunday, October 20, 2013
So Now THAT'S Over...Right????
Welcome back to Thinking Hard as we COUNT down to Halloween! (get it? it's a Dracula pun...never mind) And it feels a little like "Trick or Treat" in Washington. This week, the "Treat" was that Congress pulled its head out of its collective ass and finally passed a bill to both end the federal shutdown AND avoid the debt ceiling deadline, which saved the country's credit rating. Yay, right? Not really. Because the bill only delays the issue until after the first of the year...when a NEW deadline is expected to be reached. And Congress STILL doesn't have its budget issues ironed out! What the fuck, Congress? Are you done crying for your MUMMY yet? (see what I did there? it's another Halloween season pun...ah, forget it) And that's not even the "Trick." The figurehead for a lot of the shutdown issues... the guy who spoke for SEVERAL hours and even quoted (in terrible fashion) Dr. Seuss...Texas Republican Senator Ted Cruz...says, party be damned, he's heavily considering trying to shut down the government AGAIN! All to get rid of the program that he perceives (though is not directly quoted as saying...I acknowledge I'm putting words in his mouth here) Obamacare as the devil. Worse than the holocaust. Is responsible for the deaths of millions of people!...oh, wait, that's right, the only part of it that's taken effect so far is the SIGN UP!!! Chill! The! Fuck! Out! God forbid someone ELSE have an idea that might actually WORK! And if it doesn't??? Elect your guy into office in 2016 and have him/her (let's be honest...it's the republicans...so, "him") repeal it! It only works in your favor if the big O puts a huge plan into effect that fucks the democrats! You'll have NO PROBLEM coming up with campaign fundraising if the plan fails! But that's not the issue, is it? It's "What if this works?" You're concerned that a successful plan will make the Tea Party look like a bunch of backwoods morons who should go back to making moonshine in their bathtubs. Which means you'll lose support to a republican who might actually be interested in getting something DONE in Washington. But hey, Mr. Cruz, that's cool. Go back to your pet project of trying to get a republican elected in 2016 by shutting down the government. Go back to fucking the American people. Don't stop not thinking about tomorrow. Maybe at some point the American people will realize what you and several others on Capitol Hill are doing and vote you out of office. Actually, come to think of it, that probably won't happen. So when Tea Party republicans knock on my door for a donation, I'm going to egg them and turn the hose on them. Trick or treat.
-B-
-B-
Sunday, October 13, 2013
Even Though The Government Is Shut Down, Thinking Hard Rages On!
So...we're still shut down. Okay. Let's see how Fox News is covering this:
Thanks Fox. Tonight on Hannity, what The Onion reports is wrong with janitors at Walmart. Y'know what would help Fox? More tech...
To be fair, CNN is also having its fair share of problems. Like geography. Did you know Hong Kong has been moved???
I believe that places Hong Kong somewhere in Brazil. I could be wrong. Maybe we're back to Pangaea.
And now for our very special cooking segment here on Thinking Hard. This week's recipe: "The 5-Second Rule."
WFSB 3 Connecticut
I'm sure his cat just got sick watching him on TV.
Hey, it's Sunday, so many of you are probably at church. Consider this the next time you offer a tithe...the Vatican just cut production of 6,000 medals to mark the first year of Pope Francis' papacy. The reason? Some idiot misspelled a word on the medal. A tiny little mistake. Nothing big. They just spelled the name LESUS CHRIST!!! LESUS!!! On a coin commissioned by the VATICAN!!! Yeah, I'm pretty sure he's going to be asking for a LOT of forgiveness.
Now, NONE of what I've shown you so far is nearly as offensive as this new video game out for smartphones. It's a great example of the lack of anyone WATCHING and PLAYING these games at Google before they hit the market. I'm not sure which is more offensive...that this exists, or that it exists for $2.65. So, without further ado, I present to you...(please also note the name of the company that made this game)...Popsicle Showdown:
I feel dirty. Let's wrap this week up with an unfortunate moment for some coffee drinkers...who didn't need the caffeine after all to wake up:
ALL I WANTED WAS AN EXTRA ESPRESSO SHOT!!!
-B-
Thanks Fox. Tonight on Hannity, what The Onion reports is wrong with janitors at Walmart. Y'know what would help Fox? More tech...
To be fair, CNN is also having its fair share of problems. Like geography. Did you know Hong Kong has been moved???
I believe that places Hong Kong somewhere in Brazil. I could be wrong. Maybe we're back to Pangaea.
And now for our very special cooking segment here on Thinking Hard. This week's recipe: "The 5-Second Rule."
WFSB 3 Connecticut
I'm sure his cat just got sick watching him on TV.
Hey, it's Sunday, so many of you are probably at church. Consider this the next time you offer a tithe...the Vatican just cut production of 6,000 medals to mark the first year of Pope Francis' papacy. The reason? Some idiot misspelled a word on the medal. A tiny little mistake. Nothing big. They just spelled the name LESUS CHRIST!!! LESUS!!! On a coin commissioned by the VATICAN!!! Yeah, I'm pretty sure he's going to be asking for a LOT of forgiveness.
Now, NONE of what I've shown you so far is nearly as offensive as this new video game out for smartphones. It's a great example of the lack of anyone WATCHING and PLAYING these games at Google before they hit the market. I'm not sure which is more offensive...that this exists, or that it exists for $2.65. So, without further ado, I present to you...(please also note the name of the company that made this game)...Popsicle Showdown:
I feel dirty. Let's wrap this week up with an unfortunate moment for some coffee drinkers...who didn't need the caffeine after all to wake up:
ALL I WANTED WAS AN EXTRA ESPRESSO SHOT!!!
-B-
Sunday, October 6, 2013
Are We Still Shut Down?
Welcome all my friends to the shutdown that never ends. As we speak, I'm hearing House Speaker John Boehner dodge questions from ABC News anchor George Stephanopoulos (or similarly spelled). But to be fair, the big O has been avoiding his fair share of questions at news conferences. So, bottom line...week 1 of the shutdown is almost in the books, and it's not likely that we'll get anything hammered out. Also, we're about to hit the debt ceiling. So there's that. Yay government. Y'know, I'm just gonna hand this thing off to Jon Stewart because this is so frustrating to watch, I can't even comprehend it. Thanks a lot, Tea Party. (ps: CNN, a countUP clock is the most bizarre thing I've seen you do since the election teleporter)
Now, watch closely as Fox News goes from "Who gives a shit" to "Wait, our DEMOGRAPHIC gives a shit!"
Hey, whether old people get to see a war memorial doesn't really matter to me...so the shutdown isn't a problem?
-B-
Now, watch closely as Fox News goes from "Who gives a shit" to "Wait, our DEMOGRAPHIC gives a shit!"
Hey, whether old people get to see a war memorial doesn't really matter to me...so the shutdown isn't a problem?
-B-
Tuesday, October 1, 2013
Congress Shut Down The Government Because Breaking Bad Ended
#iwish
What's up, party people? Welcome to October, with exciting days like Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year's Eve on the horizon, not to mention my personal favorite, Martin Luther King, Jr., Day. I have a dream too. It involves a shitload of money and a lot of hookers. No?
I mean, seriously, what kind of world is it where Bill Nye ISN'T The Dancing Guy??? Where a simple investigation into a shirtless old guy at his home turns into fisticuffs caught on camera. (Sorry, guys, there was no way to embed this video)
Hey, you know what I don't like to see in my congressional debate coverage? A--holes quoting Dr. Seuss. I didn't know the good Doctor personally, but I'm pretty sure he's spinning in his grave at the thought of a lawmaker saying "I do not like green eggs and ham...and I don't like Obamacare either." Fucking REALLY? THAT was the best fucking line you could come up with??? Here, let me give it a whirl..."In a land full of dingledippers and jazzpats, it takes a true republican to come out looking like an asshat. I would kick them in a box...because they sound like a bunch of cocks." Seriously, you guys have people who write shit for you...THEY can do better. Hell, even those of us at Thinking Hard can do better. Yes we can.
I'll be honest, I have next to nothing this week. I was on a great lake vacation (not to be confused with a vacation at a Great Lake) with the family and it was awesome...until night fell, at which point I believed Jason Voorhees was going to slowly work his way out of the water and come after me, despite a lack of recent sexual action. I HAD been drinking, and you know how Captain Hockey Mask feels about drinkers too. And I might have been able to outrun the guy, but he has that uncanny ability to APPEAR OUT OF FUCKING NOWHERE! And to add to the comedy, it was only on the SECOND night that it occurred to me to check under the bed. Don't judge. That shit will keep you alive in any horror movie. But yeah, good time. So I hope everyone has an awesome week. We'll get back up with you this weekend here on TH. 'Til then, peace.
-B-
What's up, party people? Welcome to October, with exciting days like Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year's Eve on the horizon, not to mention my personal favorite, Martin Luther King, Jr., Day. I have a dream too. It involves a shitload of money and a lot of hookers. No?
I mean, seriously, what kind of world is it where Bill Nye ISN'T The Dancing Guy??? Where a simple investigation into a shirtless old guy at his home turns into fisticuffs caught on camera. (Sorry, guys, there was no way to embed this video)
Hey, you know what I don't like to see in my congressional debate coverage? A--holes quoting Dr. Seuss. I didn't know the good Doctor personally, but I'm pretty sure he's spinning in his grave at the thought of a lawmaker saying "I do not like green eggs and ham...and I don't like Obamacare either." Fucking REALLY? THAT was the best fucking line you could come up with??? Here, let me give it a whirl..."In a land full of dingledippers and jazzpats, it takes a true republican to come out looking like an asshat. I would kick them in a box...because they sound like a bunch of cocks." Seriously, you guys have people who write shit for you...THEY can do better. Hell, even those of us at Thinking Hard can do better. Yes we can.
I'll be honest, I have next to nothing this week. I was on a great lake vacation (not to be confused with a vacation at a Great Lake) with the family and it was awesome...until night fell, at which point I believed Jason Voorhees was going to slowly work his way out of the water and come after me, despite a lack of recent sexual action. I HAD been drinking, and you know how Captain Hockey Mask feels about drinkers too. And I might have been able to outrun the guy, but he has that uncanny ability to APPEAR OUT OF FUCKING NOWHERE! And to add to the comedy, it was only on the SECOND night that it occurred to me to check under the bed. Don't judge. That shit will keep you alive in any horror movie. But yeah, good time. So I hope everyone has an awesome week. We'll get back up with you this weekend here on TH. 'Til then, peace.
-B-
Wednesday, September 25, 2013
Maybe We Should Do This Mid-Week Thing More Often
We'll get to the blog in just a moment, but first, an unprecedented crime alert out of Phoenix...and a slight bit of redundancy...
You see what I did there?
Also, along those lines, check out this arrest! No wonder the woman looks so happy!
Hey, anyone celebrate International Talk Like A Pirate Day? This horse race should be watched EVERY YEAR on September 19...
Hey, anyone played Grand Theft Auto 5 yet? If not, here's a review that will probably give you a good idea of what to expect...apparently a lot of strip clubbing...
Let's do all this again in a week, shall we?
-B-
You see what I did there?
Also, along those lines, check out this arrest! No wonder the woman looks so happy!
Hey, anyone celebrate International Talk Like A Pirate Day? This horse race should be watched EVERY YEAR on September 19...
Hey, anyone played Grand Theft Auto 5 yet? If not, here's a review that will probably give you a good idea of what to expect...apparently a lot of strip clubbing...
Let's do all this again in a week, shall we?
-B-
Wednesday, September 18, 2013
I Know, I Know, I'm Running Late
I just haven't had the time to blog this week and thought about taking my birthday off, but decided against it, so let's roll.
Anthony Weiner...lost the New York City mayor's race. BIG time. And rather than fade back into obscurity like Elliot Spitzer, who ALSO lost his race (for NYC comptroller), Weiner made one final big splash in the headlines:
Ah, yes, Mr. Weiner, keeping it classy by flippin' the bird. That'll show those New York voters what they missed out on. I guess they'll just have to find some OTHER dude's penis-pic online.
A quick note...a dozen people (as of the printing of this blog) were killed at the Navy Yard in Washington, D.C., this week, along with the man who murdered them. It's coming out now that he had security clearance AND several mental disorders, like paranoia and hearing voices. Shouldn't there be some more IN-DEPTH SCREENING to make sure these people DON'T have access to top military leaders and/or guns?
Now, let's go live to this guy in Macon, Georgia, for some story that apparently doesn't even matter to HIM...
That's just a quick snippit of the craziness of the world...minus the stuff about Syria, because, let's face it, aren't we all about sick of Syria by now?
-B-
Anthony Weiner...lost the New York City mayor's race. BIG time. And rather than fade back into obscurity like Elliot Spitzer, who ALSO lost his race (for NYC comptroller), Weiner made one final big splash in the headlines:
Ah, yes, Mr. Weiner, keeping it classy by flippin' the bird. That'll show those New York voters what they missed out on. I guess they'll just have to find some OTHER dude's penis-pic online.
A quick note...a dozen people (as of the printing of this blog) were killed at the Navy Yard in Washington, D.C., this week, along with the man who murdered them. It's coming out now that he had security clearance AND several mental disorders, like paranoia and hearing voices. Shouldn't there be some more IN-DEPTH SCREENING to make sure these people DON'T have access to top military leaders and/or guns?
Now, let's go live to this guy in Macon, Georgia, for some story that apparently doesn't even matter to HIM...
That's just a quick snippit of the craziness of the world...minus the stuff about Syria, because, let's face it, aren't we all about sick of Syria by now?
-B-
Monday, September 9, 2013
Late, But No Less Awesome
Forgive me...I was tired yesterday morning.
Hey, I tried to get a job in this place...to work on this particular show. But to be fair, the woman on set is kinda saying everything I'm thinking...
Hey, Anthony Weiner's about to lose the primary for New York City's mayor...never too soon to try out for a new job:
New York News
Now we just need to make sure he doesn't talk about an "extended warm front" and point to his crotch.
Finally, Jon Stewart's back on The Daily Show. Welcome back, Jon. Great job, John Oliver. Now, you know how it is...you take a vacation and you come back to work and you have to get all caught up...
Danger!...Danger!...
-B-
(Published through Blogger.com)
Hey, I tried to get a job in this place...to work on this particular show. But to be fair, the woman on set is kinda saying everything I'm thinking...
Hey, Anthony Weiner's about to lose the primary for New York City's mayor...never too soon to try out for a new job:
New York News
Now we just need to make sure he doesn't talk about an "extended warm front" and point to his crotch.
Finally, Jon Stewart's back on The Daily Show. Welcome back, Jon. Great job, John Oliver. Now, you know how it is...you take a vacation and you come back to work and you have to get all caught up...
Danger!...Danger!...
-B-
(Published through Blogger.com)
Sunday, September 1, 2013
Time To Go To Twerk
First, I'd like to give a special greeting to (apparently) my longtime readers, the National Security Agency. I assume that you have a sense of humor...since you haven't sent agents to my home yet.
Okay, so I'm sure many of you have been waiting all week for me to address the hot-mess topic of the week (nope, not Khloe Kardashian...though I hear she hates when people talk shit about her family). So for those of you who haven't seen it yet, here's the clip that everyone is talking about...
I'm sure you probably figured out that we're not talking about Smiley Iris (yes, I meant to type it like that...I can't guarantee that typing her actual name won't put me on a watch list) just yet. That was actually a clip from the (who knew THIS existed) Miss Philippines USA pageant. And in case you're trying to recap this for your friends and co-workers, let me present you with a transcript of this second-place finisher for the "Biggest Abortion on a Stage This Week" award:
Presenter: Among the five senses, what do you prefer to have if you could only have one and why?...Would you like me to repeat that?
Contestant: No. Thank you for that wonderful question. If I have to pick out of FIVE senses, I would pick 'seeing.' Because seeing is the best sense that we can ever see because seeing...is believing. And believing into what you see is perfect. And...um...out of all those senses...um...seeing...would...really...be wonderful because thank you.
Hey, wait, you forgot about the maps and such!!! Maybe she SHOULD have had the question repeated. Although, to be fair, it WAS kind of a ridiculous question. I wonder if they had 5th-graders submit the questions.
Okay, let's dive right into Miley (ew). Surely by now you've seen the clip of Miley gyrating on a foam finger and twerking on Robin Thicke (I really can't tell the difference between the two of them) at the MTV Video Music Awards last week. I'm not showing it here. Go Google it on your own. I don't have a LOT of good taste, but I have to draw the line somewhere. No, we're gonna add a little CLASS to that ridiculous display of "Pay attention to meeeeeee!" We're gonna have a FULLY CLOTHED person present the bizarreness of the incident. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome...the man who just woke up from an on-air nap to do this shenanigan...Mr. MORGAN FREEMAN!
I hope Miley gets Shawshanked. But if I could wake up every day to Morgan Freeman saying the phrase "thrusting hip movements," I could die happy. Seriously, I think Miley's performance set women's rights back about 100 years. I will appreciate, however, the blog post this week by a woman who didn't want her daughter to ever pull shit like that. It's a great case of "people who have good parents who give a shit DON'T do stupid bullshit like that." So, please let me present in its entirety, the letter this mother posted on roadkillgoldfish.com ...
Dear daughter, let Miley Cyrus be a lesson to you.
Yes, this is what happens when you constantly hear everything you do is awesome. This is what happens when people fawn over your every Tweet and Instagram photo. This is what happens when no responsible adult has ever said the word “no,” made you change your clothes before leaving the house, or never spanked your butt for deliberate defiance.
If you ever even consider doing something like that, I promise you that I will run up and twerk so you will see how ridiculous twerking looks. I will duct tape your mouth shut so your tongue doesn’t hang out like an overheated hound dog. I will smack any male whom you decide to smash against his pelvis – after I first knock you on your butt for forgetting how a lady acts in public.
Why would I do that? Because I love you and I want you to respect yourself. Miley Cyrus is not edgy or cool or sexy. She’s a desperate girl screaming for attention: Notice me. Tell me I’m pretty. See how hot I am. I know all the guys want me. All the girls want to be me.
You probably know girls who will emulate this behavior at the next school dance. Don’t do it with them. You are far too valuable to sell yourself so cheaply. Walk away. Let the boys gawk and know in your heart that they see only a body that can be used for their pleasure and then forgotten.
I’m sorry if you’ve ever felt sad because I haven’t gushed over everything you’ve done. My role is to praise when praise is due, but also to offer constructive criticism and correction when it is needed as well. I’m sorry if you’ve ever felt demoralized because your Instagram following isn’t in the thousands, and I’m sorry those “selfies” can never capture how amazingly beautiful you truly are. I’m sorry if you’ve ever wished you had a friend instead of a mom, and I promise you that I will probably get worse when you hit high school.
Dear daughter, I am going to fight or die trying to keep you from becoming like the Miley Cyruses of the world.
You can thank me later.
I really like the sentiment behind that. It's nice to know there are parents out there who care. And if I have but one wish, it's that something ELSE happens this week to ensure I don't have to sit through another week of clips about TWERKING!!!!
-B-
Okay, so I'm sure many of you have been waiting all week for me to address the hot-mess topic of the week (nope, not Khloe Kardashian...though I hear she hates when people talk shit about her family). So for those of you who haven't seen it yet, here's the clip that everyone is talking about...
I'm sure you probably figured out that we're not talking about Smiley Iris (yes, I meant to type it like that...I can't guarantee that typing her actual name won't put me on a watch list) just yet. That was actually a clip from the (who knew THIS existed) Miss Philippines USA pageant. And in case you're trying to recap this for your friends and co-workers, let me present you with a transcript of this second-place finisher for the "Biggest Abortion on a Stage This Week" award:
Presenter: Among the five senses, what do you prefer to have if you could only have one and why?...Would you like me to repeat that?
Contestant: No. Thank you for that wonderful question. If I have to pick out of FIVE senses, I would pick 'seeing.' Because seeing is the best sense that we can ever see because seeing...is believing. And believing into what you see is perfect. And...um...out of all those senses...um...seeing...would...really...be wonderful because thank you.
Hey, wait, you forgot about the maps and such!!! Maybe she SHOULD have had the question repeated. Although, to be fair, it WAS kind of a ridiculous question. I wonder if they had 5th-graders submit the questions.
Okay, let's dive right into Miley (ew). Surely by now you've seen the clip of Miley gyrating on a foam finger and twerking on Robin Thicke (I really can't tell the difference between the two of them) at the MTV Video Music Awards last week. I'm not showing it here. Go Google it on your own. I don't have a LOT of good taste, but I have to draw the line somewhere. No, we're gonna add a little CLASS to that ridiculous display of "Pay attention to meeeeeee!" We're gonna have a FULLY CLOTHED person present the bizarreness of the incident. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome...the man who just woke up from an on-air nap to do this shenanigan...Mr. MORGAN FREEMAN!
I hope Miley gets Shawshanked. But if I could wake up every day to Morgan Freeman saying the phrase "thrusting hip movements," I could die happy. Seriously, I think Miley's performance set women's rights back about 100 years. I will appreciate, however, the blog post this week by a woman who didn't want her daughter to ever pull shit like that. It's a great case of "people who have good parents who give a shit DON'T do stupid bullshit like that." So, please let me present in its entirety, the letter this mother posted on roadkillgoldfish.com ...
Dear daughter, let Miley Cyrus be a lesson to you.
Yes, this is what happens when you constantly hear everything you do is awesome. This is what happens when people fawn over your every Tweet and Instagram photo. This is what happens when no responsible adult has ever said the word “no,” made you change your clothes before leaving the house, or never spanked your butt for deliberate defiance.
If you ever even consider doing something like that, I promise you that I will run up and twerk so you will see how ridiculous twerking looks. I will duct tape your mouth shut so your tongue doesn’t hang out like an overheated hound dog. I will smack any male whom you decide to smash against his pelvis – after I first knock you on your butt for forgetting how a lady acts in public.
Why would I do that? Because I love you and I want you to respect yourself. Miley Cyrus is not edgy or cool or sexy. She’s a desperate girl screaming for attention: Notice me. Tell me I’m pretty. See how hot I am. I know all the guys want me. All the girls want to be me.
You probably know girls who will emulate this behavior at the next school dance. Don’t do it with them. You are far too valuable to sell yourself so cheaply. Walk away. Let the boys gawk and know in your heart that they see only a body that can be used for their pleasure and then forgotten.
I’m sorry if you’ve ever felt sad because I haven’t gushed over everything you’ve done. My role is to praise when praise is due, but also to offer constructive criticism and correction when it is needed as well. I’m sorry if you’ve ever felt demoralized because your Instagram following isn’t in the thousands, and I’m sorry those “selfies” can never capture how amazingly beautiful you truly are. I’m sorry if you’ve ever wished you had a friend instead of a mom, and I promise you that I will probably get worse when you hit high school.
Dear daughter, I am going to fight or die trying to keep you from becoming like the Miley Cyruses of the world.
You can thank me later.
I really like the sentiment behind that. It's nice to know there are parents out there who care. And if I have but one wish, it's that something ELSE happens this week to ensure I don't have to sit through another week of clips about TWERKING!!!!
-B-
Sunday, August 25, 2013
It's All About The Backlash
You know the saying "Bad press is better than no press," right? Well then it's been a pretty good week for two key figures in TV and movies...
Let's start with Dr. Phil. Mr. "You need to make a change fer YOU" took to Twitter this week with a fairly controversial question to draw a response from viewers. It said "If a girl is drunk, is it OK to have sex with her?" Now, that's not to say that I haven't taken women out, gotten them drunk, then had sex with them. However, it was all consensual, and I think the question Dr. Phil was asking was about non-consensual stuff...also known as rape. Twitter users also believed that to be the line of questioning and kinda tore the Doc a new one. One of the responders wrote "If Dr. Phil is drunk, is it okay for him to tweet?" Look, America, I get it. The phrasing of Dr. Phil's question could have been so much better. Like "Do you agree with raping a drunk girl?" But let's consider this from a PR standpoint. The way the question was phrased started a major firestorm on the interwebs. It got people talking about Dr. Phil again, which, if you're not living in North Carolina looking for a missing teenage girl, no one is really doing (but he usually does some major shit in his season premiere, so I'll be watching for that...or not). People will tune in to this particular episode to see how the Doc effs things up...but will over the course of the hour learn a valuable lesson from "Big 'Stache." After all, the Doc has to make his money. He can't just offer those mustache rides for free. (I'm kidding, Big Phil!)
Now to the other big internet outrage...Ben Affleck will be the next Batman. No joke. He'll be playing the Dark Knight in the Batman/Superman movie that I swore I was so excited about just 4 days ago. Now, let's address something here...Ben Affleck is not a bad actor (see Argo). Ben Affleck has shown he can at least REASONABLY portray superheroes on film (see Daredevil...but pretend Jennifer Garner isn't in it). But can he pull off Batman? Sure, he can pass for an adorkable Bruce Wayne...which kinda flies in the face of the socially awkward but dashingly handsome Bruce Wayne we've seen for years. Shit, they relied so heavily on "handsome" they had George Fucking Clooney (seriously, that's his middle name) play him in one (godawful) film! But can he do BATMAN??? There are some people out there who say this is a response similar to the announcement that Heath Ledger was going to play the Joker. Y'know, the portrayal that got him a posthumous Oscar nomination. To be fair, there had been nothing prior to "The Dark Knight" that showed whether Ledger could or could not pull off a brutal villain like the Joker. So a lot of that criticism was probably unfounded. But we've SEEN Affleck do a superhero movie...with "meh" results. Honestly, a lot of it will probably come down to the script and directing. The greatest writer and the best director can polish a turd with relative ease. So I'll go on the record so I can come back to this in a couple years and see what I wrote...I hope Affleck does well as Batman. I think it'd be another great opportunity (like Argo) to step out of the Affleck/Damon shadow that Matt Damon leapt out of almost immediately into a successful career. Ben, best of luck to you. You're going to step into a franchise that I have a LOT of love for. Individually, Batman is amazing and I enjoy him enough I got the bat-signal tattooed on my arm. The Batman/Superman comics have been AWESOME for the most part. So you have been offered a great part in a great legacy. More power to you. But it will probably be the deal-breaker for me and I won't see it.
I'm done bitching for the day. Go back to your regularly scheduled activities of porn and cute cat videos (but never both at once...NEVER. BOTH. AT. ONCE.)...
-B-
Let's start with Dr. Phil. Mr. "You need to make a change fer YOU" took to Twitter this week with a fairly controversial question to draw a response from viewers. It said "If a girl is drunk, is it OK to have sex with her?" Now, that's not to say that I haven't taken women out, gotten them drunk, then had sex with them. However, it was all consensual, and I think the question Dr. Phil was asking was about non-consensual stuff...also known as rape. Twitter users also believed that to be the line of questioning and kinda tore the Doc a new one. One of the responders wrote "If Dr. Phil is drunk, is it okay for him to tweet?" Look, America, I get it. The phrasing of Dr. Phil's question could have been so much better. Like "Do you agree with raping a drunk girl?" But let's consider this from a PR standpoint. The way the question was phrased started a major firestorm on the interwebs. It got people talking about Dr. Phil again, which, if you're not living in North Carolina looking for a missing teenage girl, no one is really doing (but he usually does some major shit in his season premiere, so I'll be watching for that...or not). People will tune in to this particular episode to see how the Doc effs things up...but will over the course of the hour learn a valuable lesson from "Big 'Stache." After all, the Doc has to make his money. He can't just offer those mustache rides for free. (I'm kidding, Big Phil!)
Now to the other big internet outrage...Ben Affleck will be the next Batman. No joke. He'll be playing the Dark Knight in the Batman/Superman movie that I swore I was so excited about just 4 days ago. Now, let's address something here...Ben Affleck is not a bad actor (see Argo). Ben Affleck has shown he can at least REASONABLY portray superheroes on film (see Daredevil...but pretend Jennifer Garner isn't in it). But can he pull off Batman? Sure, he can pass for an adorkable Bruce Wayne...which kinda flies in the face of the socially awkward but dashingly handsome Bruce Wayne we've seen for years. Shit, they relied so heavily on "handsome" they had George Fucking Clooney (seriously, that's his middle name) play him in one (godawful) film! But can he do BATMAN??? There are some people out there who say this is a response similar to the announcement that Heath Ledger was going to play the Joker. Y'know, the portrayal that got him a posthumous Oscar nomination. To be fair, there had been nothing prior to "The Dark Knight" that showed whether Ledger could or could not pull off a brutal villain like the Joker. So a lot of that criticism was probably unfounded. But we've SEEN Affleck do a superhero movie...with "meh" results. Honestly, a lot of it will probably come down to the script and directing. The greatest writer and the best director can polish a turd with relative ease. So I'll go on the record so I can come back to this in a couple years and see what I wrote...I hope Affleck does well as Batman. I think it'd be another great opportunity (like Argo) to step out of the Affleck/Damon shadow that Matt Damon leapt out of almost immediately into a successful career. Ben, best of luck to you. You're going to step into a franchise that I have a LOT of love for. Individually, Batman is amazing and I enjoy him enough I got the bat-signal tattooed on my arm. The Batman/Superman comics have been AWESOME for the most part. So you have been offered a great part in a great legacy. More power to you. But it will probably be the deal-breaker for me and I won't see it.
I'm done bitching for the day. Go back to your regularly scheduled activities of porn and cute cat videos (but never both at once...NEVER. BOTH. AT. ONCE.)...
-B-
Sunday, August 18, 2013
This One's A Quickie
First, I saw "We're The Millers" last night. Entertaining. Also, Emma Roberts and Jennifer Aniston? Call me.
I don't think anything in this next clip will surprise people, given all of the jokes and movies that feature people on TV wearing more CASUAL attire behind the newsdesk, but it still amuses me when people get called out on it:
Boston News, Weather, Sports | FOX 25 | MyFoxBoston
Wow, speaking of WHITEY BULGER...yuck. For the record, I usually blog without pants...awkward...
Hey, let's bring this bad boy home with a clip from John Oliver's last week as interim host of The Daily Show. I just want to say that watching him has been very entertaining and I hope this means very good things for his career...
G'day indeed! Foster's...Australian for how voters can stomach going to the polls.
-B-
I don't think anything in this next clip will surprise people, given all of the jokes and movies that feature people on TV wearing more CASUAL attire behind the newsdesk, but it still amuses me when people get called out on it:
Boston News, Weather, Sports | FOX 25 | MyFoxBoston
Wow, speaking of WHITEY BULGER...yuck. For the record, I usually blog without pants...awkward...
Hey, let's bring this bad boy home with a clip from John Oliver's last week as interim host of The Daily Show. I just want to say that watching him has been very entertaining and I hope this means very good things for his career...
G'day indeed! Foster's...Australian for how voters can stomach going to the polls.
-B-
Sunday, August 11, 2013
It's Shark Week!
We'll get to that in a second, but first, some (quite literally) breaking news...regarding a hailstorm in Minnesota:
Yeah, that sucks. Hey, you guys know by now how much I enjoy The Daily Show. And you probably also know how much I loathe the backwoods North Carolina political scene. So THIS segment makes me happy. And has me thinking about motorcycle helmets...
So now, back to our lead story...it's Shark Week. One of my top favorite ocean-predator-themed weeks of television coverage...besides "7 Days of the Orca" and "Dolphin Rape Week." But it appears the kids over at the Discovery Channel are catching a little flack...
They really should just have done what the idiotically-spelled SyFy channel did (seriously, where are the Ys in "science" and "fiction"???) and just thrown Tara Reid and Beverly Hills 90210-alum Ian Ziering into it. Speaking of, be sure to catch...and I swear I'm not making this up...the original SyFy channel movie, "Ghost Shark," coming next month. The brilliant idea behind this is the aforementioned "shark of ghosts" will kill you if you have any water on you...AT ALL. "Just when you thought it was safe to splash a little cool water on your face..." Also, I should point out, after an extensive social media campaign, the kids at Syfy also came up with a subtitle for their "Sharknado 2" film. Before I reveal this to you, I want to make sure you understand that the channel reports it got something like 1,000 ideas for names. Knowing how people on social media think, you're probably only guaranteed about 20 GOOD ideas...which means there's no excuse for this: "Sharknado 2: The Second One." #facepalm Here's a trailer...
I'll totally watch that...but only if that sexy co-star starts taking off her clothes. Hey, a quick shout-out this morning...congratulations to Nate and Kim on the birth of their first child, Lizzy. I have seen this beautiful child and she has what Nate describes as a "great startled look" when she's nudged while sleeping. Her arms shoot up and shake a little...like one of those skinny inflatable things outside car dealers.
I'm out.
-B-
Yeah, that sucks. Hey, you guys know by now how much I enjoy The Daily Show. And you probably also know how much I loathe the backwoods North Carolina political scene. So THIS segment makes me happy. And has me thinking about motorcycle helmets...
So now, back to our lead story...it's Shark Week. One of my top favorite ocean-predator-themed weeks of television coverage...besides "7 Days of the Orca" and "Dolphin Rape Week." But it appears the kids over at the Discovery Channel are catching a little flack...
They really should just have done what the idiotically-spelled SyFy channel did (seriously, where are the Ys in "science" and "fiction"???) and just thrown Tara Reid and Beverly Hills 90210-alum Ian Ziering into it. Speaking of, be sure to catch...and I swear I'm not making this up...the original SyFy channel movie, "Ghost Shark," coming next month. The brilliant idea behind this is the aforementioned "shark of ghosts" will kill you if you have any water on you...AT ALL. "Just when you thought it was safe to splash a little cool water on your face..." Also, I should point out, after an extensive social media campaign, the kids at Syfy also came up with a subtitle for their "Sharknado 2" film. Before I reveal this to you, I want to make sure you understand that the channel reports it got something like 1,000 ideas for names. Knowing how people on social media think, you're probably only guaranteed about 20 GOOD ideas...which means there's no excuse for this: "Sharknado 2: The Second One." #facepalm Here's a trailer...
I'll totally watch that...but only if that sexy co-star starts taking off her clothes. Hey, a quick shout-out this morning...congratulations to Nate and Kim on the birth of their first child, Lizzy. I have seen this beautiful child and she has what Nate describes as a "great startled look" when she's nudged while sleeping. Her arms shoot up and shake a little...like one of those skinny inflatable things outside car dealers.
I'm out.
-B-
Sunday, August 4, 2013
Ah, The Randomness Of The Summer Doldrums
Do you like offensive Fox News interviews? Do you have 10 minutes to watch a guy who wrote a book about Jesus get grilled because he's a muslim and apparently muslims aren't allow to study or write about Jesus? Then have I got the clip for you:
If, for some reason, that's not your cup of tea...hey, thanks for sticking around! Maybe instead I could offer you this link to a blog from a now FORMER investigative reporter. In it, she offers some dirty little secrets of her job (and probably some things OTHER reporters do...like nap in a news car...hey, they DO work long hours some days). And when word got out of the blog post, she got canned. If you want to see what gets someone fired from a job in news, this is a brief but interesting read.
What? I still haven't grabbed you? How about a warning for drivers in California that might be a little distracting?
Okay, fine, if nothing else has entertained you today, perhaps this little gem will. Apparently the jobs of garbagemen are now being outsourced...
So. Damn. Adorable.
Thanks for joining me for the quickie this week. We'll see if I feel like putting more words on your screen next week. Vote Weiner! (not the candidate...vote for my penis.)
-B-
If, for some reason, that's not your cup of tea...hey, thanks for sticking around! Maybe instead I could offer you this link to a blog from a now FORMER investigative reporter. In it, she offers some dirty little secrets of her job (and probably some things OTHER reporters do...like nap in a news car...hey, they DO work long hours some days). And when word got out of the blog post, she got canned. If you want to see what gets someone fired from a job in news, this is a brief but interesting read.
What? I still haven't grabbed you? How about a warning for drivers in California that might be a little distracting?
Okay, fine, if nothing else has entertained you today, perhaps this little gem will. Apparently the jobs of garbagemen are now being outsourced...
So. Damn. Adorable.
Thanks for joining me for the quickie this week. We'll see if I feel like putting more words on your screen next week. Vote Weiner! (not the candidate...vote for my penis.)
-B-
Sunday, July 28, 2013
Things I Can't Unsee
I'd like to
Now a quick piece of breaking news from our "Woman on the Street"...
To recap today's top story, she got news for you. I love a good "person attacks reporter" video...as long as I am neither "reporter" nor "person."
There's also some other news...I guess some baby was born this week. I don't care.
And now, breaking news about a big back-up on the roads...
Man, they better get that cleared up soon. I'm hearing that could cause some real, long-term damage if it's just allowed to build up like that. Wait, I think I see an exit to the north...but it's going to be just a very small hole in the trouble, and there are going to be millions of people trying to get through that tiny hole. And when they finally get through, THAT is going to be a serious mess.
I don't know if you've been watching the blog over the past few weeks, but earlier this month, we showed you a clip from a San Francisco TV station newscast identifying four pilots aboard a wrecked Asiana Airlines flight. I would pull the clip up again, but the TV station in question has ordered ALL the clips removed from the interwebs, so the only clip on this blog that still has it is last week's Colbert Report clip. Which is fine. Anywho, the station has also gone ahead and fired three producers associated with the error. One is a "special projects" producer (bonus points if you can tell me what a person in THAT position does). One of the other producers spoke out about his firing. I'm going to print his statement the way he wrote it...VERBATIM...and as you read this, keep in mind this producer also teaches JOURNALISM at San Francisco State University. Again, this man is a teacher. Of reporters:
"My hard-earned reputation is intack. There are lawyers, so eager as I am to anser all questions, I must refrain."
Clearly this is a smear campaign against this particular producer. If he can't even spell INTACT or ANSWER correctly, there's NO WAY he could have spelled Sum Ting Wong...unless he actually thought the pilots were AMERICAN. Then I understand.
Finally, it was a lovely day out swimm...HEY, FUCKER, NOT SO CLOSE!
Turns out it got so close because it was a SPERM whale. Named Anthony Weiner.
-Carlos Danger-
Sunday, July 21, 2013
Famous Last Words
Let's start with a little movie news...it was just announced at San Diego Comic-Con yesterday that a new Superman movie will be shooting next year...set to open in 2015...that ALSO STARS BATMAN!!!! Oh, hang on a sec, I need to clean up my nerdgasm...okay, all good now. Seriously, DC, what a novel idea, to put separate characters from separate comic books into the same movie! What a unique and brilliant idea! I mean, you're only two sequels behind one of the first MARVEL movies to do that (see the end of "Iron Man" when they bring in Nick Fury). But hey, I'm not gonna bitch that loud because the Superman/Batman comic series is really enjoyable and I'll pay money to see this movie. One movie I won't pay to see, even on cable..."Sharknado." In fact, the twitterverse got so excited about this, they just announced a "Sharknado 2" this week. I hope they sell this series of movies as "The last thing 'Glee' actor Cory Monteith ever sent a tweet about...SHARKNADO!" Yeah, no joke...Monteith was found dead of a heroin/alcohol overdose in a hotel in Canada last weekend, and I shit you not, his last two tweets were about that God-awful movie, which his last words being "Oh. IT'S SHARKS IN A TORNADO!" I'd be tweeting "C'mon, Tara Reid, I want to see some botched boobs! #plastICKsurgery" Honestly though, it reminds me why I'm glad I don't tweet. Can you imagine people finding some random, embarrassing thing I tweeted before I died that would be considered my last words? It'd probably be something like "11 donuts gone from the dozen. That last one is crying out to me."
Hey, you saw it here last week...San Francisco station KTVU aired fake (yet funny) names of the pilots in the Asiana Airlines crash earlier this month. Asiana threated to sue KTVU...but backed off 3 days later because the station aired a correction 15 minutes after it ran the names. Wait, Asiana made them sit and stew for three days? Seems a little harsh. But not as harsh as how Stephen Colbert responded to it. And you know how often I put Colbert on here...this MUST be good:
Over on The Daily Show, John Oliver is making history...but not in the way he wants. Also, this is a good interview with "Newsroom" scribe Aaron Sorkin:
Speaking of shaking up newscasts, hey, Texas, breaking news...a house just exploded nearby:
KiiiTV3.com South Texas, Corpus Christi, Coastal Bend
I'm looking for a date, but she has to have one very specific physical trait...
I'm gonna quote someone's comment on YouTube...it was funny, but it wasn't THAT funny. Even SHE didn't think it was that funny.
Hey, let's wrap this all up with the Little Psychic Who Couldn't.
Free Trayvon Martin.
-B-
Hey, you saw it here last week...San Francisco station KTVU aired fake (yet funny) names of the pilots in the Asiana Airlines crash earlier this month. Asiana threated to sue KTVU...but backed off 3 days later because the station aired a correction 15 minutes after it ran the names. Wait, Asiana made them sit and stew for three days? Seems a little harsh. But not as harsh as how Stephen Colbert responded to it. And you know how often I put Colbert on here...this MUST be good:
The Colbert Report
Get More: Colbert Report Full Episodes,Indecision Political Humor,Video Archive
Over on The Daily Show, John Oliver is making history...but not in the way he wants. Also, this is a good interview with "Newsroom" scribe Aaron Sorkin:
Speaking of shaking up newscasts, hey, Texas, breaking news...a house just exploded nearby:
KiiiTV3.com South Texas, Corpus Christi, Coastal Bend
I'm looking for a date, but she has to have one very specific physical trait...
I'm gonna quote someone's comment on YouTube...it was funny, but it wasn't THAT funny. Even SHE didn't think it was that funny.
Hey, let's wrap this all up with the Little Psychic Who Couldn't.
Free Trayvon Martin.
-B-
Sunday, July 14, 2013
George Zimmerman Found Not Guilty
I have no jokes or analysis to go with that headline. I just wanted to make it seem like you could get actual news content on this blog. Oh, and we have some MORE breaking news...
Also, the inflight meal was soup, Cream of Sum Yung Guy...and inflight entertainment is an old woman at the back named No Teef Blow. Sorry, ladies, you're out of luck. Seriously, how did NO ONE at that station catch that??? In fact, it later came out that the station had the names first, then asked an NTSB INTERN to confirm them. Really guys? NO ONE has a sense of humor at that station? Perhaps your producer is ALSO named Sum Ting Wong. Let's get the apology out first...
The sad part is, it's not all that uncommon for shit like that to happen. Need I remind you of what happened here several weeks ago?
I swear no one's actually in charge at these stations. Now to sports, for the worst game of HORSE ever. "Hey, kid, do it for America..."
And by "it," I mean "learn how to catch a pass, son!" I hear that kid is going to play guard for the Charlotte Bobcats. Speaking of mistakes in the wilderness, it's Survival Time with Intrepid Reporter Julie Tremmel. Tonight, Julie has some important information about how to pass gas without disturbing a nearby bear:
If you need me, I'll be off in the corner, punching myself in the face until I go unconscious.
-B-
Also, the inflight meal was soup, Cream of Sum Yung Guy...and inflight entertainment is an old woman at the back named No Teef Blow. Sorry, ladies, you're out of luck. Seriously, how did NO ONE at that station catch that??? In fact, it later came out that the station had the names first, then asked an NTSB INTERN to confirm them. Really guys? NO ONE has a sense of humor at that station? Perhaps your producer is ALSO named Sum Ting Wong. Let's get the apology out first...
The sad part is, it's not all that uncommon for shit like that to happen. Need I remind you of what happened here several weeks ago?
I swear no one's actually in charge at these stations. Now to sports, for the worst game of HORSE ever. "Hey, kid, do it for America..."
And by "it," I mean "learn how to catch a pass, son!" I hear that kid is going to play guard for the Charlotte Bobcats. Speaking of mistakes in the wilderness, it's Survival Time with Intrepid Reporter Julie Tremmel. Tonight, Julie has some important information about how to pass gas without disturbing a nearby bear:
If you need me, I'll be off in the corner, punching myself in the face until I go unconscious.
-B-
Sunday, July 7, 2013
Statues Do Weird Things
No joke. Statues do some pretty bizarre shit. Especially ones that are uncovered in mummy's tombs. Now I'm not talking about some crazy curse where a guy gets a statue, then his head is replaced with the head of a donkey. Nothing like that. But check out this video caused on surveillance camera by a security guard who thought someone was messing with him. YOU try and explain this:
That story would have been better without Ben Stiller in it.
There wasn't much else going on this week, what with people getting blown up by idiots with fireworks. But we DID get a pretty hilarious moment during the George Zimmerman trial. I know, that sounds unkind. But this moment came when lawyers tried to question someone via Skype. While showing his Skype address. On national TV. You can imagine what happens next:
The only thing I enjoyed more was an associate medical examiner explaining to the defense why opinions matter and why they can change. This guy made my day.
I love that guy. I want him to testify at every trial. Even stuff he's not involved in. "Sir, I understand you have an opinion, and that opinion can change, but all I asked was for your name." -B-
That story would have been better without Ben Stiller in it.
There wasn't much else going on this week, what with people getting blown up by idiots with fireworks. But we DID get a pretty hilarious moment during the George Zimmerman trial. I know, that sounds unkind. But this moment came when lawyers tried to question someone via Skype. While showing his Skype address. On national TV. You can imagine what happens next:
The only thing I enjoyed more was an associate medical examiner explaining to the defense why opinions matter and why they can change. This guy made my day.
I love that guy. I want him to testify at every trial. Even stuff he's not involved in. "Sir, I understand you have an opinion, and that opinion can change, but all I asked was for your name." -B-
Sunday, June 30, 2013
Same-Sex Marriage & Knock-Knock Jokes
We'll get to all that in a second, but first, this week's top story out of Spokane, Washington:
Lessons to be learned here: ANY time a reporter is holding/wearing a microphone, they should not drop the f-bomb. Even if they think a microphone MIGHT be present. Also, to the editor who cut the piece, would it have killed you to actually spend an extra minute and a half WATCHING what you just edited to avoid this problem??? Fuck me.
Also, let's get a look at a shot from a live report from Florida station WCTV. Pay extra close attention to the ad showing behind the reporter:
For those of you playing along at home, the TV station advertised behind this reporter is NOT the TV station that this reporter works for. Let's hear it for unfortunate timing.
Hey, I don't know if anyone heard, but apparently same-sex marriage is now okay. Which is entirely cool with me. Same-sex couples should be allowed to be just as miserable as heterosexual couples who realize they shouldn't have gotten married. What struck me about this week's arguments about the ruling is that republican lawmakers...who fought so hard against same-sex marriage...now say the Supreme Court is in the wrong because it shouldn't be playing God. Yes. Only the republicans should be playing God. It says so in the Bible. Just ask them. The entire book basically says republicans know better than anyone else and changing with modern times is a terrible idea. Also, they seem really upset about the Supreme Court's actions, saying the justices aren't elected bodies and shouldn't overturn what the American public has voted on. I don't know if they missed civics class, but I always learned that the judicial branch of the government...which, y'know, includes the Supreme Court...was to set up a system of checks and balances so lawmakers don't get way out of line with their laws. But, hey, what do I know? I'm not a government major. Let's hear more on the topic:
Hey, knock knock? Who's there? I'm a terrible attorney. I'm a terrible attorney who? I'm a terrible attorney who's going to get the jury to hate me within the first 2 minutes of the defense's opening statements in its effort to save George Zimmerman from prison or death:
Man, even I could tear up that courtroom. I'd be like Eddie Murphy! "Trayvon Martin walks like THIS...but George Zimmerman walks like THIS...with a gun!"
Hey, has anyone played the next great computer game, Where in the World is Edward Snowden? It plays a little like Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego, except NO ONE EVER FINDS EDWARD SNOWDEN! Like reporters getting on a flight that they hear he's going to be riding on...and they don't WAIT to MAKE SURE HE BOARDS BEFORE THEY GET ON A PLANE TO CUBA! I can't even imagine the phone call to their boss: "Yes, I need a pick-up in Havana...do I have the interview with Snowden?...when you say 'with Snowden,' do you mean WITH Snowden?...do you mean I'm fired AFTER I get back to the U.S.?..."
Can you hear me shaking my head right now? Fuck me. I can't fucking find Edward Snowden today.
-B-
Also, let's get a look at a shot from a live report from Florida station WCTV. Pay extra close attention to the ad showing behind the reporter:
For those of you playing along at home, the TV station advertised behind this reporter is NOT the TV station that this reporter works for. Let's hear it for unfortunate timing.
Hey, I don't know if anyone heard, but apparently same-sex marriage is now okay. Which is entirely cool with me. Same-sex couples should be allowed to be just as miserable as heterosexual couples who realize they shouldn't have gotten married. What struck me about this week's arguments about the ruling is that republican lawmakers...who fought so hard against same-sex marriage...now say the Supreme Court is in the wrong because it shouldn't be playing God. Yes. Only the republicans should be playing God. It says so in the Bible. Just ask them. The entire book basically says republicans know better than anyone else and changing with modern times is a terrible idea. Also, they seem really upset about the Supreme Court's actions, saying the justices aren't elected bodies and shouldn't overturn what the American public has voted on. I don't know if they missed civics class, but I always learned that the judicial branch of the government...which, y'know, includes the Supreme Court...was to set up a system of checks and balances so lawmakers don't get way out of line with their laws. But, hey, what do I know? I'm not a government major. Let's hear more on the topic:
Hey, knock knock? Who's there? I'm a terrible attorney. I'm a terrible attorney who? I'm a terrible attorney who's going to get the jury to hate me within the first 2 minutes of the defense's opening statements in its effort to save George Zimmerman from prison or death:
Man, even I could tear up that courtroom. I'd be like Eddie Murphy! "Trayvon Martin walks like THIS...but George Zimmerman walks like THIS...with a gun!"
Hey, has anyone played the next great computer game, Where in the World is Edward Snowden? It plays a little like Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego, except NO ONE EVER FINDS EDWARD SNOWDEN! Like reporters getting on a flight that they hear he's going to be riding on...and they don't WAIT to MAKE SURE HE BOARDS BEFORE THEY GET ON A PLANE TO CUBA! I can't even imagine the phone call to their boss: "Yes, I need a pick-up in Havana...do I have the interview with Snowden?...when you say 'with Snowden,' do you mean WITH Snowden?...do you mean I'm fired AFTER I get back to the U.S.?..."
Can you hear me shaking my head right now? Fuck me. I can't fucking find Edward Snowden today.
-B-
Sunday, June 23, 2013
Creating Education Better
I love the Miss USA pageant. The odds are usually pretty good that you're going to get some really classic answers in the "interview" portion (which I like to refer to as "The essay exam that no one studied for"). You remember Miss South Carolina, right? With the "maps and such?" Looks like we got an "east coast vs. west coast" thing going on this year for most classically wrong answer...
To be fair, she's from Utah, so it's a good thing she didn't get a gay marriage question. She probably thinks the only REAL form of marriage is "one man, one woman, one woman, one woman, one woman, one woman, one woman...etc."
Hey, y'all, let's see what's cooking with America's favorite diabetic..
Also, a quick note, actor James Gandolfini died this week. He went from inspiring the adult movie, "The Sopornos," to starring as Gandolf-ini in the Lord of the Rings movies. He was also in the Emmy-award winning movie "The Mexican." Also, only part of the information here is accurate. I had to do some research on Quickie-pedia, That's what the kids use these days, right? Anyway, sorry to see him go.
And if I can put in a quick review of the HBO series "The Newsroom": it's good.
-B-
Hey, y'all, let's see what's cooking with America's favorite diabetic..
I'd like to say 2 things. 1. I made that "non-fat" n-word joke before I saw it on The Daily Show (c'mon, guys, HIRE ME!). 2. I can't wait to see Paula try to make something with brown sugar now: "Now we grab 2 cups of br...wait, what's the term? African-American sugar?" or else she creates a new word "sigga."
Also, a quick note, actor James Gandolfini died this week. He went from inspiring the adult movie, "The Sopornos," to starring as Gandolf-ini in the Lord of the Rings movies. He was also in the Emmy-award winning movie "The Mexican." Also, only part of the information here is accurate. I had to do some research on Quickie-pedia, That's what the kids use these days, right? Anyway, sorry to see him go.
And if I can put in a quick review of the HBO series "The Newsroom": it's good.
-B-
Sunday, June 16, 2013
You Know You're Having A Bad Day When...
...you have a Freudian slip at the WORST POSSIBLE MOMENT...like accidentally saying "Fag" before what appears to be a gay pride story and after what seems like it could be a story about gay boy scouts:
...when you tell people it's probably a good idea to try to outrun a tornado, then they drown in a tunnel trying to outrun said tornado...then you get blamed for it.
...you're single and you read a new study by cashback site Quidco that says, on average, men have 13 romantic relationships before settling down. Women have 10. And that you'll go on an average of SEVEN disaster dates. And that first dates alone cost $2,100 total for one's lifetime. And the average cost of the first year of a relationship is $5,600. And you spend the rest of your day trying to figure out exactly how much MORE than $5,600 you've blown on previous relationships. And then you break down and cry.
...you run out of things to put in your blog.
-B-
...you're single and you read a new study by cashback site Quidco that says, on average, men have 13 romantic relationships before settling down. Women have 10. And that you'll go on an average of SEVEN disaster dates. And that first dates alone cost $2,100 total for one's lifetime. And the average cost of the first year of a relationship is $5,600. And you spend the rest of your day trying to figure out exactly how much MORE than $5,600 you've blown on previous relationships. And then you break down and cry.
...you run out of things to put in your blog.
-B-
Sunday, June 9, 2013
June=Nerdapalooza...and I LOVE IT!!!
Greetings from Charlotte, North Carolina, home of the annual HeroesCon Comic (and etc.) Convention. It's always a lot of fun with good art and great writers of the trade. But for the first time this year, convention attendees get a little EXTRA fun...the building that's holding the comic convention is also holding the STATE GOP CONVENTION! I'm telling you, I saw a LOT of nicely dressed old people walking through yesterday, trying to understand why some of the young'uns in line for the comic con were wearing full spandex outfits of Spider-Man...and several other characters they've never heard of and will never experience before the upcoming ends of their lives. SOOOOO entertaining. Also, it should be noted that the annual Electronics Entertainment Expo kicks off this week. Microsoft is making waves with its new Xbox video game console, the Xbox One. One of the key sticking points is that it requires the owner/user to connect to the internet on a fairly regular basis. Guys, remember when it was just an Atari or Nintendo? When you just plugged shit in and played it? Didn't have to worry about bandwidth. It was a good time. Sure, there are AMAZING games now. But for a company to basically require an internet connection to play those games? Terrible. And here's where I make my transition into national/local news this week. You know what else is terrible? Hearing "We're following breaking news...a little child/puppy/old Republican is missing. Let's go live to the search..." No one gives a shit. Breaking news is too often just BS to get eyes to a TV set. But here's a unique approach from a Fox (if you can believe it) station in Louisville, Kentucky:
Breaking broken news. Outstanding. But I'm sure at least people at THAT station can tolerate each other...unlike THIS station:
As I recall, one of those Type-A chicks is a beauty queen. Fits. Hey, take a look at this next story and see how many double entendres you can come up with. I can think of about a MILLION:
My favorite part (aside from the thief wearing the fake wig to come back to the store...and dropping the ever important BOTTOM HALF of the mannequin) is where the reporter says the store brings couples closer together...and they show the handcuffs. TOO CLOSE! TOO CLOSE! I should be attached to a bed frame, not my partner.
Hey, I tried to download a piece of video, but I'm going to have to send you to this link instead. Sorry. But it's totally worth it. A couple of stations in Texas were covering a serious traffic issue. And one station decided to tweet another station's live coverage pictures out to ITS viewers. So that station called them on it. On air. This brief commercial is nothing short of AMAZING. Go watch it, then come right back. I'll wait.
.............
Oh, good, you're back. And now, my weekly award for the civilian who ABSOLUTELY did not want to be interviewed by her local TV station (who, frankly, just wanted to tell her someone had been arrested in the shooting of her daughter): ABC6 - Providence, RI and New Bedford, MA News, Weather Doesn't she kinda look like Jay-Z's sister? Looks almost as good as the most famous woman in Florida: I'm out. I have comics to buy and read.
-B-
Hey, I tried to download a piece of video, but I'm going to have to send you to this link instead. Sorry. But it's totally worth it. A couple of stations in Texas were covering a serious traffic issue. And one station decided to tweet another station's live coverage pictures out to ITS viewers. So that station called them on it. On air. This brief commercial is nothing short of AMAZING. Go watch it, then come right back. I'll wait.
.............
Oh, good, you're back. And now, my weekly award for the civilian who ABSOLUTELY did not want to be interviewed by her local TV station (who, frankly, just wanted to tell her someone had been arrested in the shooting of her daughter): ABC6 - Providence, RI and New Bedford, MA News, Weather Doesn't she kinda look like Jay-Z's sister? Looks almost as good as the most famous woman in Florida: I'm out. I have comics to buy and read.
-B-
Sunday, June 2, 2013
Seriously, People, MOVE OUT OF OKLAHOMA!
This message has been brought to you by the Texas Tourism Authority. Seriously, though, ANOTHER round of deadly tornadoes smacked Oklahoma upside its head! To be fair though, Tornado Alley is like Rihanna...it's just begging to be smacked around. The state is so friggin' flat that it makes it almost a big neon sign that says "Tornadoes, hit here!" Tornadoes love flat land. It's just dangerous to move anywhere there. And, again, it's dangerous for news reporters and anchors as well. I mean, look at the lengths THIS station had to go to just to get news to people...
Y'know, I'm a huge fan of Linkin Park. I even liked Minutes to Midnight, even though most people didn't. I also REALLY like Linkin Park's mash-up album with Jay-Z, Collision Course. Nothing like hearing Jay-Z drop "nigga" to LP's mad beats. So I don't know WHY it took so long for this (sort-of) mash-up...of Linkin Park and STONE TEMPLE PILOTS! LP's lead singer/screamer Chester Bennington is filling in for Scott Weiland...and I'm pulling for collaboration after hearing him: Game on.
-B-
Visit NBCNews.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy
So, yeah, Midwest be having tornadoes, West and East Coast be gettin' ready for hurricanes...and people in Minnesota just be happy it's not snowing.Y'know, I'm a huge fan of Linkin Park. I even liked Minutes to Midnight, even though most people didn't. I also REALLY like Linkin Park's mash-up album with Jay-Z, Collision Course. Nothing like hearing Jay-Z drop "nigga" to LP's mad beats. So I don't know WHY it took so long for this (sort-of) mash-up...of Linkin Park and STONE TEMPLE PILOTS! LP's lead singer/screamer Chester Bennington is filling in for Scott Weiland...and I'm pulling for collaboration after hearing him: Game on.
-B-
Sunday, May 26, 2013
Morgan Freeman Is Working Too Damn Hard
We'll get to that. First, a quick thought...our prayers here at Thinking Hard go out to the victims of the Oklahoma tornado and the families of those killed. Tornado Alley is no joke. I don't recommend living or vacationing there. Ever. Kansas had to deal with tornadoes a day earlier, and even the NEWS PEOPLE didn't want to fuck around with it:
But at least it wasn't SNOWING IN MY BEDROOM...wait, sorry, had a "Weird Science" moment there. What I meant was at least it wasn't RAINING IN THE STUDIO...
That, ladies and gentlemen, is CALLED a "broken sprinkler system" but is written in the station budget as "new studio paid for by insurance because of 'accident' in old studio."
Also, Intern Kelsay says she tore the house down with her open mic stand-up comedy this week. She also says she swindled several people out of money playing pool. Do. Not. Play. Pool. Against. Her.
Hey, a quick note...a news anchor in St. Louis is out of a job because he claimed openly that the IRS was targeting him. He said it was because of hard questions he asked Mr. Obama in an interview months earlier. However, he later said that his IRS problems pre-dated that interview by YEARS. So yeah, the bosses took him off-air for a couple days...then they fired him. Now he's looking at suing. Isn't TV news wild and crazy? One day, a tornado rips through a town. The next, Morgan Freeman, as he puts in, "beta tests for Google Eyelids"... Morgan Freeman is working too damn hard. His next movie narration will probably be *SNORRRRRRRE*. But, to be fair, Michael Caine does have a soothing voice that could put a stampeding elephant to sleep...maybe.
And now, perhaps one of the top three greatest moments of cable TV this week...
New thing I learned this week...Anna Kendrick is a solid actress, but she has a GREAT set of pipes:
I saw her and Anna Camp in "Pitch Perfect" this morning. Since Kendrick has experience in Twilight and Camp has been on True Blood, I wonder if I could put them in my own show called "Two Broke Vamps."
-B-
Also, Intern Kelsay says she tore the house down with her open mic stand-up comedy this week. She also says she swindled several people out of money playing pool. Do. Not. Play. Pool. Against. Her.
Hey, a quick note...a news anchor in St. Louis is out of a job because he claimed openly that the IRS was targeting him. He said it was because of hard questions he asked Mr. Obama in an interview months earlier. However, he later said that his IRS problems pre-dated that interview by YEARS. So yeah, the bosses took him off-air for a couple days...then they fired him. Now he's looking at suing. Isn't TV news wild and crazy? One day, a tornado rips through a town. The next, Morgan Freeman, as he puts in, "beta tests for Google Eyelids"... Morgan Freeman is working too damn hard. His next movie narration will probably be *SNORRRRRRRE*. But, to be fair, Michael Caine does have a soothing voice that could put a stampeding elephant to sleep...maybe.
And now, perhaps one of the top three greatest moments of cable TV this week...
| The Daily Show with Jon Stewart | Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c | |||
| The Only Unfair Thing Ever | ||||
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-B-
Sunday, May 19, 2013
Technical Difficulties
Welcome back, all, and happy mid-May. Where has the time gone??? On the plus side, this has been a year of discovery for me so far. I discovered a new variety show on foreign TV...and I'll keep watching this over and over if they keep offering it:
(More like "Bazumbas del Pop") She's the new human on Sesame Street, right? Because they'll have to start airing that show at 2am. Thanks for the mammaries. It offers a little something for everyone: makes dads horny, makes kids hungry. I like how she went to fix her top...and she went for the boob that WASN'T hanging out FIRST. That'd be like me detecting a draft in my nether-region when my fly is down...and checking my ass first to make sure it wasn't hanging out. (Also, did she cry out "Nelly Furtado!" at the end of that clip???) That reminds me...Intern Kelsay takes another crack at open mic standup comedy tomorrow night. Good luck! If you start to lose the crowd, might I make a suggestion...
Hey, this one goes out to all the ladies out there...with the cheating husbands. Let's get a little advice from resident 700 Club Love Expert Pat Robertson: Because that's the way God made us...men can fuck anything that walks, women are to blame. Pat Robertson. Lost. His. Damn. Mind.
Hey, I just finished taking flying lessons! I want to be a skywriter. I've perfected all letters of the alphabet and even some letters in the Greek and Hebrew alphabet to make myself more marketable. It should be a great career move!...except I can't shake the feeling that I forgot to take one class...
Y'know, I'll be the first to admit I tend to write this blog in a way that heavily favors the liberals and kinda pokes fun at conservatives. A lot. Well, to be fair, the government isn't always right. And it proved it in a BIG way this week:
Yes, government makes mistakes. So do voters. See: South Carolinians Elect Known Adulterer Mark Sanford To Congress. Gotta thank Intern Sam for this one. She found an article that shows Mark Sanford is the "Frat Boy Who Never Grew Up" in this article. Yup, he's a real PETER Pan. Hey, speaking of college mentions, remember that video I had a couple weeks ago with the term "cunt punter" and I loved it so much I KEEP using the term? Much to the chagrin of my mother, who couldn't understand why I'd included it on her Mother's Day card? Let's put a counter on Jon Stewart for this story about self-image and Disney:
I think he needs about 5 more "cunt punt" references. Then we're good.
-CP-
Hey, this one goes out to all the ladies out there...with the cheating husbands. Let's get a little advice from resident 700 Club Love Expert Pat Robertson: Because that's the way God made us...men can fuck anything that walks, women are to blame. Pat Robertson. Lost. His. Damn. Mind.
Hey, I just finished taking flying lessons! I want to be a skywriter. I've perfected all letters of the alphabet and even some letters in the Greek and Hebrew alphabet to make myself more marketable. It should be a great career move!...except I can't shake the feeling that I forgot to take one class...
Y'know, I'll be the first to admit I tend to write this blog in a way that heavily favors the liberals and kinda pokes fun at conservatives. A lot. Well, to be fair, the government isn't always right. And it proved it in a BIG way this week:
| The Daily Show with Jon Stewart | Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c | |||
| Barack Trek: Into Darkness | ||||
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| The Daily Show with Jon Stewart | Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c | |||
| The Princess and the P.R. | ||||
| ||||
-CP-
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